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I teach negotiation.


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I do research in negotiation.


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I write books in negotiation.

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And I work with students and executives

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to help them get more of what they want
from their negotiations.

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And one of the biggest challenges
that we face in negotiations

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is that we view negotiations as a battle.

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And that battle is characterized

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by "I'm going to try to get stuff from you
that you don't want to give me;

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and I'm going to try to keep you
from getting my stuff."

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And if we view negotiations as a battle,

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we already have a problem.

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I'm going to suggest
that what's more important

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is that we look at negotiations

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as an opportunity
for collaborative problem-solving,

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looking for a solution
that makes me better off,

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better off than my alternatives,
better off than my status quo.

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But because there is no command
and control in negotiation,

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I cannot force you to say "Yes."

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All I can do is present proposals

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where you believe
it is in your interest to say "Yes."

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And so, once I take
that perspective on negotiation

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which highlights the importance
of the other as well as me,

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so many more things
open up to negotiation:

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whether it's a new job -

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I'm trying to negotiate the terms
of my employment contract -

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whether I'm trying to do
an acquisition for my company;

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whether I'm in a meeting;

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whether I'm deciding with my spouse

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who's going to take the dog out
on a cold and rainy night;

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or whether I'm thinking
about what the rules are

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that my offspring will have to follow
and I will have to agree to

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when they use my car.

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And this is very good advice,

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but I am here today with a confession

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that I don't always follow
my very good advice.

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And I want to introduce you
to my longtime negotiating counterpart.

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This is Sal.

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Sal is a 15-year-old quarter horse.

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She is a mare.

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And Sal came to me
as a gift from my husband.

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My husband was the prior owner of Sal,
and he discovered, very quickly,

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that Sal was more horse
than he could handle.

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So, as a solution to his problem,
he thought he would just give her to me.

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And he did that because he thought -
and he told this to me -

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"You two are so alike."

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(Laughter)

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And to demonstrate that,
we have a picture.

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So this is Sal and me,
but early on in our relationship.

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And we are about to attempt
a relatively complex maneuver

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called the flying lead change.

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Look at my jaw: it's tight,
my lips: pressed.

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My eyes, if you can see them
through the sunglasses,

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there's a laser-like focus
on where I need to be with my horse,

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and my reins have a death grip.

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But this is a move that requires
both of us, both Sal and me.

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And if you look at Sal, you see
she has a similar look on her face.

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Her jaw is tight.

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Look at her ears.

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Clearly, I have a goal in mind
but so does she,

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and it might not be the same thing.

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(Laughter)

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But my vision was good:
what I wanted us to be was good.

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Let me show you what I had in my head
about how we might look.

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(Music)

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This is Buck Brannamon
and his horse Rebel.

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Look at these.

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Look at how they move together.

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The smoothness with which they move
across the pasture.

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It's stunning - the fluidity, the dance.

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It's as if this man's brain
is attached directly to this horse's feet.

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This is what I wanted. 


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That was a good goal.

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So, I decided, "Yes."

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And I started working hard
on getting Sal to look like Rebel.

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And the harder and harder I pushed her,

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the more she got resistant,
the more she got tight,

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the more she got anxious,
the more we didn't go forward.

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And it came to a head 
about three years ago.

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Two of my friends
and I were in the pasture.

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And they took off to go do
something with their horses,

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but I decided that Sal and I should stay

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and work on a particular dance step
that we were trying to achieve.

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And when they left, she got anxious,
which is not surprising,

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because horses are prey animals,
their herds are their source of support.

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And when she was left alone,
she was feeling very scared.

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And I made, of course, 
my first mistake in all of this.

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I focused on winning,
on getting her to do what I wanted

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rather than problem solving.

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And so if she saw
herself alone - no support -

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she certainly didn't see
me as her support.

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What she saw was the thing
that could protect her, her herd,

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was leaving, and now she was alone.

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She was isolated, and she was at risk.

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And so as we continued,
I tried to keep her with me,

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but she wanted to go with them.

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And what happened was

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because she couldn't go forward,

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the only thing she could do is go up.

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And she reared.

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And I struggled mightily
to get all four feet back on the ground,

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and I did for a moment,
but soon after that,

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she reared again, and then a third time,

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and at that point, 
scared for my life, I bailed on Sal.

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I abandoned her.

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Now, at this point,
I had created a power struggle.

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And, at that moment, we were both
in a struggle for our survival.

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Right now, you are probably thinking,
"You know, you are such a drama queen."

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(Laughter)

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"What's a little rear?"

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I mean, after all, if you are my age,
you remember Roy Rogers and Trigger.

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Right? And Trigger would rear.

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I remember my younger self
seeing that, thinking,

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"I want a horse like that.
I want that power, that beauty."

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Or if you are much younger than me

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and maybe one of the few people who saw
that latest movie "The Lone Ranger,"

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you might have seen Silver rearing,
and again, power and beauty.

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But these are Hollywood horses,
and those are tricks.

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What rearing is like in the real world?

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It is not beautiful.

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It is scary. It is dangerous.

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When a horse rears,
they can fall over backwards.

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And when they fall over backwards,
the rider is crushed or killed.

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And when they fall over backwards,

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they hit their head on the way down.

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And they are dead.

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So, while rearing has this Hollywood view,

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in the real world, it is so dangerous.

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And while I know my goal,
my vision was good and important,

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what I had forgotten
was to be flexible in how I got there.

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And my vision was good.

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This is a beautiful picture.

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Sal and I could be ...
we could be wonderful together.

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But while I was hoping for this,

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this is more like Sal thought.

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What Sal saw was:
we were at a complete impasse.

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This wasn't a win-win.
This wasn't even a win-lose.

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For us, we were at lose-lose.

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And maybe I was at the time
where I had to, like my husband, Al,

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say, "This horse was too much for me."

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And maybe give her to a rider
who could do more with her,

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who could help her out.

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But I cared about this horse,
and I cared about us,

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and I cared about our relationship.

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So I had to change.

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After all, I'm the one with the big brain;
I'm the one with the opposable thumbs.

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And I have all these tools.

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I'm the one who needed to change.


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So I talked to my teachers.

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And I went back and they said to me,

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"You have forgotten
the most important lesson:

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that this relationship between
you and Sal is a partnership.

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It's not a dictatorship.


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So, you need to go back

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because Sal doesn't have the language
of words to make offers and counteroffers.

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She can't say 'No' to you."

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But what Sal was doing
with every fiber of her being

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was using her language
of touch and feel to say,

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"No." This wasn't working.
This wasn't a partnership.

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And she was afraid.

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She was not being stubborn
when she reared;

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she was fearing for her life.

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And so we did go back.

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And I could tell you
I had to start all over again

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because I had to be the leader
where she found comfort and support.

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Because if I were fearful,
she could feel that fear

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through the layers of leather
of a western saddle.

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And if I, the rider,
the person in charge, was afraid,

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what hope did she as a prey animal have?

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I had to remember a lesson that I learned
when I - for being an academic,

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is that you can't just bull
your way through things.

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You have to learn how to problem-solve.

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But, for some reason,
I hadn't brought that lesson to Sal.

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And so I had to go back.


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I had to become that calm, confident
leader that allowed Sal to make mistakes

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and to learn from those mistakes.

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Because horses have
really two motivations:

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they do what they think
they are supposed to do,

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or they do what they need
to do to survive.

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And I had to move us
out of a survival mode

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because nobody can learn then,

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and move us into a learning mode.

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Now, it's been almost three years
to the day that that happened.

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And Sal and I are very different.

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We did go back, and we moved forward
with such speed this time

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that I'd never have predicted back then
that we would ever make it to here.

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Now, are we perfect? No.

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Sal and I have good days,
and we have bad days.

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And I make mistakes all the time.


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But the difference
is that now Sal sees me

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as a source of support
and comfort for her.

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She sees me as someone
who will where good things happen,

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and I can keep the bad things away.

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And to demonstrate,

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let me show you a picture of Sal and me

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that was taken by Al last March.

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This was like last month.

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Now I want you to notice a couple
of things about this picture.

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Notice that there is nothing
on Sal's face;

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there is no rope, no reins, no bridle.

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Sal is behaving exactly
as she chooses to behave.

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And notice that she is choosing.

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Her horse buddies are behind her
in the background.

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She is choosing to walk away
from them and with me.

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And look at her.

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She is soft; she is willing; she is calm.

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And look at me. I'm really different too.

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I am soft, and I am calm,
and I am confident.

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So, perhaps, as you think
about your next big negotiation,

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you might be tempted to see
if you can borrow Sal

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for a little tune-up in how to negotiate.

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But what might be more,
safer for all of us

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is that if you just remember
the lessons of Sal and me.

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Focus on solving the problem,
not on winning the battle,

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because if you find yourself in a battle,
in a power struggle in a negotiation,

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you have already lost.

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And the key to being able to solve
problems in a negotiation

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is to understand your counterpart,
to know what motivates them,

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what will influence them to move
down that path of agreement

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with you, of their own volition.

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Remember there is no command
and control in negotiation;

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I can't force you to say "Yes."

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And remember that that works
for your counterparts,

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whether they are human or horse.

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And goals are important;

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you absolutely need to know
what a good deal is for you.

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But you also need to have flexibility
in how to achieve that goal.

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And for me, this is the lesson
that I must learn and relearn

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because too often, I choose a path 
to my goal because I have chosen it,

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not because it is the right one.

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And in closing, I want to acknowledge
the considerable debt I owe

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for becoming a better negotiator
and a better human to my partner Sal.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)