0:00:11.234,0:00:12.964
I teach negotiation.[br]

0:00:13.714,0:00:15.963
I do research in negotiation.[br]

0:00:16.453,0:00:18.593
I write books in negotiation.

0:00:19.263,0:00:21.254
And I work with students and executives

0:00:21.254,0:00:24.923
to help them get more of what they want[br]from their negotiations.

0:00:25.203,0:00:28.304
And one of the biggest challenges[br]that we face in negotiations

0:00:28.304,0:00:30.584
is that we view negotiations as a battle.

0:00:31.114,0:00:32.685
And that battle is characterized

0:00:32.685,0:00:36.184
by "I'm going to try to get stuff from you[br]that you don't want to give me;

0:00:36.184,0:00:38.873
and I'm going to try to keep you[br]from getting my stuff."

0:00:39.343,0:00:42.346
And if we view negotiations as a battle,

0:00:43.215,0:00:44.985
we already have a problem.

0:00:45.265,0:00:47.455
I'm going to suggest[br]that what's more important

0:00:47.455,0:00:48.945
is that we look at negotiations

0:00:48.945,0:00:51.805
as an opportunity[br]for collaborative problem-solving,

0:00:52.155,0:00:55.225
looking for a solution[br]that makes me better off,

0:00:55.705,0:01:00.559
better off than my alternatives,[br]better off than my status quo.

0:01:01.036,0:01:04.977
But because there is no command[br]and control in negotiation,

0:01:05.167,0:01:07.475
I cannot force you to say "Yes."

0:01:08.184,0:01:09.995
All I can do is present proposals

0:01:09.995,0:01:13.536
where you believe[br]it is in your interest to say "Yes."

0:01:14.556,0:01:18.706
And so, once I take[br]that perspective on negotiation

0:01:18.706,0:01:22.266
which highlights the importance[br]of the other as well as me,

0:01:23.396,0:01:26.247
so many more things[br]open up to negotiation:

0:01:26.247,0:01:27.497
whether it's a new job -

0:01:27.497,0:01:30.378
I'm trying to negotiate the terms[br]of my employment contract -

0:01:30.378,0:01:32.977
whether I'm trying to do[br]an acquisition for my company;

0:01:32.977,0:01:34.355
whether I'm in a meeting;

0:01:34.525,0:01:36.677
whether I'm deciding with my spouse

0:01:36.677,0:01:39.427
who's going to take the dog out[br]on a cold and rainy night;

0:01:39.427,0:01:42.316
or whether I'm thinking[br]about what the rules are

0:01:42.316,0:01:45.757
that my offspring will have to follow[br]and I will have to agree to

0:01:45.757,0:01:47.707
when they use my car.

0:01:49.757,0:01:52.287
And this is very good advice,

0:01:52.687,0:01:55.347
but I am here today with a confession

0:01:55.867,0:01:59.809
that I don't always follow[br]my very good advice.

0:02:00.459,0:02:06.287
And I want to introduce you[br]to my longtime negotiating counterpart.

0:02:07.857,0:02:09.468
This is Sal.

0:02:09.958,0:02:13.398
Sal is a 15-year-old quarter horse.

0:02:13.778,0:02:14.898
She is a mare.

0:02:15.518,0:02:22.358
And Sal came to me[br]as a gift from my husband.

0:02:23.358,0:02:27.768
My husband was the prior owner of Sal,[br]and he discovered, very quickly,

0:02:27.768,0:02:30.957
that Sal was more horse[br]than he could handle.

0:02:31.167,0:02:37.249
So, as a solution to his problem,[br]he thought he would just give her to me.

0:02:38.209,0:02:42.388
And he did that because he thought -[br]and he told this to me -

0:02:42.388,0:02:44.927
"You two are so alike."

0:02:45.097,0:02:46.217
(Laughter)

0:02:49.807,0:02:53.329
And to demonstrate that,[br]we have a picture.

0:02:53.859,0:02:58.430
So this is Sal and me,[br]but early on in our relationship.

0:02:58.770,0:03:02.249
And we are about to attempt[br]a relatively complex maneuver

0:03:02.249,0:03:04.069
called the flying lead change.

0:03:04.569,0:03:10.339
Look at my jaw: it's tight,[br]my lips: pressed.

0:03:10.339,0:03:12.829
My eyes, if you can see them[br]through the sunglasses,

0:03:12.829,0:03:17.400
there's a laser-like focus[br]on where I need to be with my horse,

0:03:17.400,0:03:19.950
and my reins have a death grip.

0:03:21.000,0:03:25.810
But this is a move that requires[br]both of us, both Sal and me.

0:03:26.170,0:03:32.409
And if you look at Sal, you see[br]she has a similar look on her face.

0:03:32.799,0:03:34.630
Her jaw is tight.

0:03:35.150,0:03:36.692
Look at her ears.

0:03:37.072,0:03:39.782
Clearly, I have a goal in mind[br]but so does she,

0:03:39.782,0:03:42.721
and it might not be the same thing.

0:03:42.721,0:03:43.631
(Laughter)

0:03:45.451,0:03:49.370
But my vision was good:[br]what I wanted us to be was good.

0:03:49.630,0:03:53.670
Let me show you what I had in my head[br]about how we might look.

0:03:53.800,0:03:55.260
(Music)

0:03:55.440,0:03:58.021
This is Buck Brannamon[br]and his horse Rebel.

0:03:58.801,0:04:00.191
Look at these.

0:04:00.191,0:04:02.190
Look at how they move together.

0:04:02.190,0:04:05.881
The smoothness with which they move[br]across the pasture.

0:04:06.071,0:04:10.441
It's stunning - the fluidity, the dance.

0:04:11.071,0:04:17.363
It's as if this man's brain[br]is attached directly to this horse's feet.

0:04:18.423,0:04:20.692
This is what I wanted. [br]

0:04:22.352,0:04:23.942
That was a good goal.

0:04:23.942,0:04:27.232
So, I decided, "Yes."

0:04:27.252,0:04:33.182
And I started working hard[br]on getting Sal to look like Rebel.

0:04:33.652,0:04:35.952
And the harder and harder I pushed her,

0:04:36.172,0:04:39.892
the more she got resistant,[br]the more she got tight,

0:04:40.052,0:04:44.302
the more she got anxious,[br]the more we didn't go forward.

0:04:45.482,0:04:49.112
And it came to a head [br]about three years ago.

0:04:50.602,0:04:52.922
Two of my friends[br]and I were in the pasture.

0:04:53.122,0:04:56.022
And they took off to go do[br]something with their horses,

0:04:56.032,0:05:00.163
but I decided that Sal and I should stay

0:05:00.703,0:05:04.022
and work on a particular dance step[br]that we were trying to achieve.

0:05:05.222,0:05:09.574
And when they left, she got anxious,[br]which is not surprising,

0:05:09.574,0:05:14.723
because horses are prey animals,[br]their herds are their source of support.

0:05:15.133,0:05:19.584
And when she was left alone,[br]she was feeling very scared.

0:05:20.834,0:05:23.585
And I made, of course, [br]my first mistake in all of this.

0:05:23.725,0:05:27.624
I focused on winning,[br]on getting her to do what I wanted

0:05:28.664,0:05:30.614
rather than problem solving.

0:05:30.804,0:05:34.263
And so if she saw[br]herself alone - no support -

0:05:34.263,0:05:36.984
she certainly didn't see[br]me as her support.

0:05:37.604,0:05:42.543
What she saw was the thing[br]that could protect her, her herd,

0:05:42.543,0:05:45.054
was leaving, and now she was alone.

0:05:45.374,0:05:48.655
She was isolated, and she was at risk.

0:05:49.695,0:05:53.745
And so as we continued,[br]I tried to keep her with me,

0:05:53.745,0:05:55.325
but she wanted to go with them.

0:05:55.335,0:05:56.835
And what happened was

0:05:56.835,0:05:58.835
because she couldn't go forward,

0:05:58.835,0:06:02.275
the only thing she could do is go up.

0:06:03.755,0:06:05.105
And she reared.

0:06:05.795,0:06:10.795
And I struggled mightily[br]to get all four feet back on the ground,

0:06:11.195,0:06:13.255
and I did for a moment,[br]but soon after that,

0:06:13.255,0:06:15.157
she reared again, and then a third time,

0:06:15.157,0:06:20.013
and at that point, [br]scared for my life, I bailed on Sal.

0:06:20.666,0:06:21.936
I abandoned her.

0:06:22.856,0:06:26.865
Now, at this point,[br]I had created a power struggle.

0:06:28.305,0:06:34.386
And, at that moment, we were both[br]in a struggle for our survival.

0:06:35.346,0:06:39.906
Right now, you are probably thinking,[br]"You know, you are such a drama queen."

0:06:39.986,0:06:40.796
(Laughter)

0:06:41.076,0:06:42.627
"What's a little rear?"

0:06:42.947,0:06:48.796
I mean, after all, if you are my age,[br]you remember Roy Rogers and Trigger.

0:06:49.136,0:06:50.697
Right? And Trigger would rear.

0:06:50.707,0:06:53.608
I remember my younger self[br]seeing that, thinking,

0:06:54.308,0:06:59.147
"I want a horse like that.[br]I want that power, that beauty."

0:06:59.697,0:07:01.837
Or if you are much younger than me

0:07:02.067,0:07:06.708
and maybe one of the few people who saw[br]that latest movie "The Lone Ranger,"

0:07:06.878,0:07:13.197
you might have seen Silver rearing,[br]and again, power and beauty.

0:07:13.687,0:07:16.778
But these are Hollywood horses,[br]and those are tricks.

0:07:17.698,0:07:20.138
What rearing is like in the real world?

0:07:20.138,0:07:21.608
It is not beautiful.

0:07:21.958,0:07:25.628
It is scary. It is dangerous.

0:07:26.338,0:07:29.859
When a horse rears,[br]they can fall over backwards.

0:07:30.569,0:07:34.428
And when they fall over backwards,[br]the rider is crushed or killed.

0:07:34.908,0:07:36.689
And when they fall over backwards,

0:07:37.399,0:07:39.448
they hit their head on the way down.

0:07:39.448,0:07:41.718
And they are dead.

0:07:42.138,0:07:45.788
So, while rearing has this Hollywood view,

0:07:46.138,0:07:50.148
in the real world, it is so dangerous.

0:07:51.308,0:07:56.069
And while I know my goal,[br]my vision was good and important,

0:07:56.209,0:08:00.818
what I had forgotten[br]was to be flexible in how I got there.

0:08:01.068,0:08:02.619
And my vision was good.

0:08:02.739,0:08:04.600
This is a beautiful picture.

0:08:04.600,0:08:08.200
Sal and I could be ...[br]we could be wonderful together.

0:08:08.410,0:08:10.239
But while I was hoping for this,

0:08:10.259,0:08:13.239
this is more like Sal thought.

0:08:13.239,0:08:16.570
What Sal saw was:[br]we were at a complete impasse.

0:08:17.290,0:08:20.380
This wasn't a win-win.[br]This wasn't even a win-lose.

0:08:20.679,0:08:23.059
For us, we were at lose-lose.

0:08:23.399,0:08:28.540
And maybe I was at the time[br]where I had to, like my husband, Al,

0:08:29.190,0:08:31.110
say, "This horse was too much for me."

0:08:31.150,0:08:34.810
And maybe give her to a rider[br]who could do more with her,

0:08:34.890,0:08:36.340
who could help her out.

0:08:37.350,0:08:40.870
But I cared about this horse,[br]and I cared about us,

0:08:41.160,0:08:43.450
and I cared about our relationship.

0:08:44.050,0:08:46.570
So I had to change.

0:08:47.260,0:08:52.629
After all, I'm the one with the big brain;[br]I'm the one with the opposable thumbs.

0:08:52.839,0:08:54.631
And I have all these tools.

0:08:55.621,0:08:58.181
I'm the one who needed to change.[br]

0:08:59.441,0:09:02.061
So I talked to my teachers.

0:09:03.011,0:09:06.771
And I went back and they said to me,

0:09:07.091,0:09:10.630
"You have forgotten[br]the most important lesson:

0:09:12.200,0:09:16.420
that this relationship between[br]you and Sal is a partnership.

0:09:16.780,0:09:19.101
It's not a dictatorship.[br]

0:09:20.141,0:09:21.941
So, you need to go back

0:09:21.941,0:09:26.380
because Sal doesn't have the language[br]of words to make offers and counteroffers.

0:09:26.490,0:09:28.842
She can't say 'No' to you."

0:09:29.702,0:09:33.422
But what Sal was doing[br]with every fiber of her being

0:09:33.422,0:09:37.103
was using her language[br]of touch and feel to say,

0:09:37.103,0:09:41.802
"No." This wasn't working.[br]This wasn't a partnership.

0:09:42.072,0:09:43.442
And she was afraid.

0:09:43.482,0:09:45.762
She was not being stubborn[br]when she reared;

0:09:45.762,0:09:47.492
she was fearing for her life.

0:09:48.952,0:09:50.733
And so we did go back.

0:09:51.043,0:09:54.053
And I could tell you[br]I had to start all over again

0:09:54.053,0:09:59.123
because I had to be the leader[br]where she found comfort and support.

0:09:59.623,0:10:03.782
Because if I were fearful,[br]she could feel that fear

0:10:03.782,0:10:07.662
through the layers of leather[br]of a western saddle.

0:10:07.792,0:10:13.032
And if I, the rider,[br]the person in charge, was afraid,

0:10:13.302,0:10:16.133
what hope did she as a prey animal have?

0:10:17.523,0:10:21.834
I had to remember a lesson that I learned[br]when I - for being an academic,

0:10:21.834,0:10:24.283
is that you can't just bull[br]your way through things.

0:10:24.283,0:10:26.174
You have to learn how to problem-solve.

0:10:26.174,0:10:30.244
But, for some reason,[br]I hadn't brought that lesson to Sal.

0:10:30.874,0:10:32.434
And so I had to go back.[br]

0:10:33.314,0:10:38.764
I had to become that calm, confident[br]leader that allowed Sal to make mistakes

0:10:38.994,0:10:41.063
and to learn from those mistakes.

0:10:41.774,0:10:45.074
Because horses have[br]really two motivations:

0:10:45.074,0:10:48.614
they do what they think[br]they are supposed to do,

0:10:48.814,0:10:51.654
or they do what they need[br]to do to survive.

0:10:52.344,0:10:54.614
And I had to move us[br]out of a survival mode

0:10:54.614,0:10:56.664
because nobody can learn then,

0:10:56.744,0:11:00.234
and move us into a learning mode.

0:11:01.874,0:11:07.405
Now, it's been almost three years[br]to the day that that happened.

0:11:08.455,0:11:10.544
And Sal and I are very different.

0:11:11.444,0:11:16.045
We did go back, and we moved forward[br]with such speed this time

0:11:16.835,0:11:21.264
that I'd never have predicted back then[br]that we would ever make it to here.

0:11:22.494,0:11:24.556
Now, are we perfect? No.

0:11:24.556,0:11:27.486
Sal and I have good days,[br]and we have bad days.

0:11:28.726,0:11:31.076
And I make mistakes all the time.[br]

0:11:31.996,0:11:35.171
But the difference[br]is that now Sal sees me

0:11:35.584,0:11:38.606
as a source of support[br]and comfort for her.

0:11:38.945,0:11:43.026
She sees me as someone[br]who will where good things happen,

0:11:43.036,0:11:45.436
and I can keep the bad things away.

0:11:46.376,0:11:47.566
And to demonstrate,

0:11:47.566,0:11:50.546
let me show you a picture of Sal and me

0:11:50.546,0:11:54.085
that was taken by Al last March.

0:11:54.085,0:11:56.185
This was like last month.

0:11:56.475,0:11:59.466
Now I want you to notice a couple[br]of things about this picture.

0:11:59.706,0:12:02.266
Notice that there is nothing[br]on Sal's face;

0:12:02.506,0:12:05.337
there is no rope, no reins, no bridle.

0:12:05.547,0:12:10.107
Sal is behaving exactly[br]as she chooses to behave.

0:12:10.487,0:12:12.457
And notice that she is choosing.

0:12:12.477,0:12:15.247
Her horse buddies are behind her[br]in the background.

0:12:15.247,0:12:19.677
She is choosing to walk away[br]from them and with me.

0:12:21.087,0:12:22.287
And look at her.

0:12:22.307,0:12:27.287
She is soft; she is willing; she is calm.

0:12:28.319,0:12:31.708
And look at me. I'm really different too.

0:12:32.468,0:12:36.768
I am soft, and I am calm,[br]and I am confident.

0:12:38.598,0:12:44.237
So, perhaps, as you think[br]about your next big negotiation,

0:12:44.827,0:12:48.618
you might be tempted to see[br]if you can borrow Sal

0:12:48.968,0:12:51.828
for a little tune-up in how to negotiate.

0:12:52.238,0:12:57.338
But what might be more,[br]safer for all of us

0:12:57.338,0:13:01.939
is that if you just remember[br]the lessons of Sal and me.

0:13:02.959,0:13:08.079
Focus on solving the problem,[br]not on winning the battle,

0:13:08.099,0:13:13.464
because if you find yourself in a battle,[br]in a power struggle in a negotiation,

0:13:13.788,0:13:16.539
you have already lost.

0:13:19.019,0:13:23.780
And the key to being able to solve[br]problems in a negotiation

0:13:23.800,0:13:28.561
is to understand your counterpart,[br]to know what motivates them,

0:13:28.768,0:13:32.509
what will influence them to move[br]down that path of agreement

0:13:32.529,0:13:34.959
with you, of their own volition.

0:13:34.969,0:13:38.570
Remember there is no command[br]and control in negotiation;

0:13:38.590,0:13:40.460
I can't force you to say "Yes."

0:13:42.740,0:13:45.490
And remember that that works[br]for your counterparts,

0:13:45.490,0:13:48.440
whether they are human or horse.

0:13:49.480,0:13:51.094
And goals are important;

0:13:51.104,0:13:54.920
you absolutely need to know[br]what a good deal is for you.

0:13:55.840,0:14:00.580
But you also need to have flexibility[br]in how to achieve that goal.

0:14:00.730,0:14:06.081
And for me, this is the lesson[br]that I must learn and relearn

0:14:06.101,0:14:12.381
because too often, I choose a path [br]to my goal because I have chosen it,

0:14:12.621,0:14:14.951
not because it is the right one.

0:14:16.451,0:14:21.591
And in closing, I want to acknowledge[br]the considerable debt I owe

0:14:21.981,0:14:28.822
for becoming a better negotiator[br]and a better human to my partner Sal.

0:14:29.732,0:14:30.791
Thank you.

0:14:30.791,0:14:32.311
(Applause)