WEBVTT 00:00:00.904 --> 00:00:02.183 I used to think 00:00:02.207 --> 00:00:05.941 the whole purpose of life was pursuing happiness. 00:00:06.680 --> 00:00:10.064 Everyone said the path to happiness was success, 00:00:10.088 --> 00:00:12.586 so I searched for that ideal job, 00:00:12.610 --> 00:00:15.641 that perfect boyfriend, that beautiful apartment. 00:00:16.998 --> 00:00:19.996 But instead of ever feeling fulfilled, 00:00:20.020 --> 00:00:22.624 I felt anxious and adrift. 00:00:23.195 --> 00:00:27.204 And I wasn't alone; my friends -- they struggled with this, too. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:28.720 --> 00:00:32.989 Eventually, I decided to go to graduate school for positive psychology 00:00:33.013 --> 00:00:36.233 to learn what truly makes people happy. 00:00:36.971 --> 00:00:39.627 But what I discovered there changed my life. 00:00:40.452 --> 00:00:45.062 The data showed that chasing happiness can make people unhappy. 00:00:45.967 --> 00:00:48.224 And what really struck me was this: 00:00:49.058 --> 00:00:51.845 the suicide rate has been rising around the world, 00:00:51.869 --> 00:00:54.960 and it recently reached a 30-year high in America. 00:00:55.753 --> 00:00:58.516 Even though life is getting objectively better 00:00:58.540 --> 00:01:01.230 by nearly every conceivable standard, 00:01:01.254 --> 00:01:03.453 more people feel hopeless, 00:01:03.477 --> 00:01:05.602 depressed and alone. 00:01:06.214 --> 00:01:09.027 There's an emptiness gnawing away at people, 00:01:09.051 --> 00:01:12.321 and you don't have to be clinically depressed to feel it. 00:01:12.345 --> 00:01:15.245 Sooner or later, I think we all wonder: 00:01:15.784 --> 00:01:18.016 Is this all there is? 00:01:19.167 --> 00:01:22.373 And according to the research, what predicts this despair 00:01:22.397 --> 00:01:24.224 is not a lack of happiness. 00:01:24.248 --> 00:01:26.090 It's a lack of something else, 00:01:26.817 --> 00:01:29.755 a lack of having meaning in life. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:30.962 --> 00:01:33.355 But that raised some questions for me. 00:01:33.855 --> 00:01:36.454 Is there more to life than being happy? 00:01:37.216 --> 00:01:39.639 And what's the difference between being happy 00:01:39.663 --> 00:01:41.554 and having meaning in life? 00:01:42.879 --> 00:01:47.479 Many psychologists define happiness as a state of comfort and ease, 00:01:47.503 --> 00:01:49.392 feeling good in the moment. 00:01:50.098 --> 00:01:51.756 Meaning, though, is deeper. 00:01:52.278 --> 00:01:54.842 The renowned psychologist Martin Seligman says 00:01:54.866 --> 00:01:59.513 meaning comes from belonging to and serving something beyond yourself 00:01:59.537 --> 00:02:02.220 and from developing the best within you. 00:02:03.617 --> 00:02:06.212 Our culture is obsessed with happiness, 00:02:06.236 --> 00:02:10.343 but I came to see that seeking meaning is the more fulfilling path. 00:02:10.367 --> 00:02:13.296 And the studies show that people who have meaning in life, 00:02:13.320 --> 00:02:14.730 they're more resilient, 00:02:14.754 --> 00:02:17.311 they do better in school and at work, 00:02:17.335 --> 00:02:18.942 and they even live longer. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:19.985 --> 00:02:22.006 So this all made me wonder: 00:02:22.030 --> 00:02:24.504 How can we each live more meaningfully? 00:02:25.980 --> 00:02:29.658 To find out, I spent five years interviewing hundreds of people 00:02:29.682 --> 00:02:32.583 and reading through thousands of pages of psychology, 00:02:32.607 --> 00:02:34.708 neuroscience and philosophy. 00:02:35.366 --> 00:02:37.155 Bringing it all together, 00:02:37.179 --> 00:02:42.520 I found that there are what I call four pillars of a meaningful life. 00:02:42.544 --> 00:02:44.978 And we can each create lives of meaning 00:02:45.002 --> 00:02:48.351 by building some or all of these pillars in our lives. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:49.428 --> 00:02:51.616 The first pillar is belonging. 00:02:52.378 --> 00:02:54.685 Belonging comes from being in relationships 00:02:54.709 --> 00:02:57.414 where you're valued for who you are intrinsically 00:02:57.438 --> 00:02:59.551 and where you value others as well. 00:03:00.218 --> 00:03:04.908 But some groups and relationships deliver a cheap form of belonging; 00:03:04.932 --> 00:03:06.825 you're valued for what you believe, 00:03:06.849 --> 00:03:08.095 for who you hate, 00:03:08.119 --> 00:03:09.664 not for who you are. 00:03:10.420 --> 00:03:13.203 True belonging springs from love. 00:03:13.227 --> 00:03:16.212 It lives in moments among individuals, 00:03:16.236 --> 00:03:20.081 and it's a choice -- you can choose to cultivate belonging with others. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:20.661 --> 00:03:22.268 Here's an example. 00:03:22.292 --> 00:03:25.847 Each morning, my friend Jonathan buys a newspaper 00:03:25.871 --> 00:03:28.089 from the same street vendor in New York. 00:03:28.502 --> 00:03:30.782 They don't just conduct a transaction, though. 00:03:30.806 --> 00:03:33.489 They take a moment to slow down, talk, 00:03:33.513 --> 00:03:35.419 and treat each other like humans. 00:03:36.038 --> 00:03:39.432 But one time, Jonathan didn't have the right change, 00:03:39.456 --> 00:03:40.676 and the vendor said, 00:03:40.700 --> 00:03:42.220 "Don't worry about it." 00:03:42.244 --> 00:03:44.731 But Jonathan insisted on paying, 00:03:44.755 --> 00:03:47.767 so he went to the store and bought something he didn't need 00:03:47.791 --> 00:03:49.252 to make change. 00:03:49.992 --> 00:03:52.615 But when he gave the money to the vendor, 00:03:52.639 --> 00:03:54.161 the vendor drew back. 00:03:54.820 --> 00:03:56.098 He was hurt. 00:03:56.715 --> 00:03:58.564 He was trying to do something kind, 00:03:58.588 --> 00:04:00.835 but Jonathan had rejected him. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:02.113 --> 00:04:06.264 I think we all reject people in small ways like this without realizing it. 00:04:06.288 --> 00:04:07.486 I do. 00:04:07.510 --> 00:04:10.573 I'll walk by someone I know and barely acknowledge them. 00:04:10.597 --> 00:04:13.244 I'll check my phone when someone's talking to me. 00:04:13.678 --> 00:04:15.607 These acts devalue others. 00:04:15.631 --> 00:04:18.384 They make them feel invisible and unworthy. 00:04:19.130 --> 00:04:21.882 But when you lead with love, you create a bond 00:04:21.906 --> 00:04:23.578 that lifts each of you up. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:25.030 --> 00:04:28.658 For many people, belonging is the most essential source of meaning, 00:04:28.682 --> 00:04:30.680 those bonds to family and friends. 00:04:31.176 --> 00:04:35.181 For others, the key to meaning is the second pillar: purpose. 00:04:35.844 --> 00:04:38.759 Now, finding your purpose is not the same thing 00:04:38.783 --> 00:04:41.031 as finding that job that makes you happy. 00:04:41.520 --> 00:04:44.979 Purpose is less about what you want than about what you give. 00:04:45.003 --> 00:04:49.491 A hospital custodian told me her purpose is healing sick people. 00:04:49.515 --> 00:04:51.226 Many parents tell me, 00:04:51.250 --> 00:04:53.186 "My purpose is raising my children." 00:04:53.527 --> 00:04:57.571 The key to purpose is using your strengths to serve others. 00:04:58.381 --> 00:05:01.889 Of course, for many of us, that happens through work. 00:05:01.913 --> 00:05:04.892 That's how we contribute and feel needed. 00:05:04.916 --> 00:05:08.776 But that also means that issues like disengagement at work, 00:05:08.800 --> 00:05:10.213 unemployment, 00:05:10.237 --> 00:05:12.464 low labor force participation -- 00:05:12.488 --> 00:05:16.179 these aren't just economic problems, they're existential ones, too. 00:05:16.821 --> 00:05:19.034 Without something worthwhile to do, 00:05:19.058 --> 00:05:20.359 people flounder. 00:05:21.493 --> 00:05:24.109 Of course, you don't have to find purpose at work, 00:05:24.133 --> 00:05:26.862 but purpose gives you something to live for, 00:05:26.886 --> 00:05:28.966 some "why" that drives you forward. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:31.147 --> 00:05:34.447 The third pillar of meaning is also about stepping beyond yourself, 00:05:34.471 --> 00:05:36.313 but in a completely different way: 00:05:36.337 --> 00:05:37.924 transcendence. 00:05:37.948 --> 00:05:40.325 Transcendent states are those rare moments 00:05:40.349 --> 00:05:43.761 when you're lifted above the hustle and bustle of daily life, 00:05:43.785 --> 00:05:45.490 your sense of self fades away, 00:05:45.514 --> 00:05:48.288 and you feel connected to a higher reality. 00:05:49.214 --> 00:05:52.904 For one person I talked to, transcendence came from seeing art. 00:05:52.928 --> 00:05:55.458 For another person, it was at church. 00:05:55.482 --> 00:05:59.036 For me, I'm a writer, and it happens through writing. 00:05:59.060 --> 00:06:04.130 Sometimes I get so in the zone that I lose all sense of time and place. 00:06:04.757 --> 00:06:07.903 These transcendent experiences can change you. 00:06:07.927 --> 00:06:12.451 One study had students look up at 200-feet-tall eucalyptus trees 00:06:12.475 --> 00:06:13.676 for one minute. 00:06:14.263 --> 00:06:16.417 But afterwards they felt less self-centered, 00:06:16.441 --> 00:06:18.385 and they even behaved more generously 00:06:18.409 --> 00:06:20.479 when given the chance to help someone. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:21.582 --> 00:06:25.302 Belonging, purpose, transcendence. 00:06:26.374 --> 00:06:29.097 Now, the fourth pillar of meaning, I've found, 00:06:29.121 --> 00:06:30.876 tends to surprise people. 00:06:31.366 --> 00:06:34.100 The fourth pillar is storytelling, 00:06:34.124 --> 00:06:36.989 the story you tell yourself about yourself. 00:06:37.616 --> 00:06:41.760 Creating a narrative from the events of your life brings clarity. 00:06:41.784 --> 00:06:44.820 It helps you understand how you became you. 00:06:45.669 --> 00:06:48.765 But we don't always realize that we're the authors of our stories 00:06:48.789 --> 00:06:50.952 and can change the way we're telling them. 00:06:50.976 --> 00:06:53.467 Your life isn't just a list of events. 00:06:53.491 --> 00:06:56.707 You can edit, interpret and retell your story, 00:06:56.731 --> 00:06:58.951 even as you're constrained by the facts. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:59.681 --> 00:07:04.309 I met a young man named Emeka, who'd been paralyzed playing football. 00:07:04.920 --> 00:07:07.379 After his injury, Emeka told himself, 00:07:07.403 --> 00:07:10.108 "My life was great playing football, 00:07:10.132 --> 00:07:12.256 but now look at me." 00:07:14.002 --> 00:07:16.294 People who tell stories like this -- 00:07:16.318 --> 00:07:18.842 "My life was good. Now it's bad." -- 00:07:18.866 --> 00:07:21.688 tend to be more anxious and depressed. 00:07:21.712 --> 00:07:24.041 And that was Emeka for a while. 00:07:24.573 --> 00:07:27.964 But with time, he started to weave a different story. 00:07:28.415 --> 00:07:30.148 His new story was, 00:07:30.172 --> 00:07:33.439 "Before my injury, my life was purposeless. 00:07:33.463 --> 00:07:36.716 I partied a lot and was a pretty selfish guy. 00:07:36.740 --> 00:07:40.448 But my injury made me realize I could be a better man." 00:07:41.488 --> 00:07:45.029 That edit to his story changed Emeka's life. 00:07:45.053 --> 00:07:47.484 After telling the new story to himself, 00:07:47.508 --> 00:07:49.430 Emeka started mentoring kids, 00:07:49.454 --> 00:07:51.820 and he discovered what his purpose was: 00:07:51.844 --> 00:07:53.234 serving others. 00:07:54.101 --> 00:07:57.479 The psychologist Dan McAdams calls this a "redemptive story," 00:07:57.503 --> 00:07:59.786 where the bad is redeemed by the good. 00:08:00.627 --> 00:08:02.810 People leading meaningful lives, he's found, 00:08:02.834 --> 00:08:04.765 tend to tell stories about their lives 00:08:04.789 --> 00:08:07.811 defined by redemption, growth and love. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:08.723 --> 00:08:11.185 But what makes people change their stories? 00:08:11.725 --> 00:08:13.653 Some people get help from a therapist, 00:08:13.677 --> 00:08:15.487 but you can do it on your own, too, 00:08:15.511 --> 00:08:18.271 just by reflecting on your life thoughtfully, 00:08:18.295 --> 00:08:20.382 how your defining experiences shaped you, 00:08:20.406 --> 00:08:22.143 what you lost, what you gained. 00:08:22.589 --> 00:08:24.123 That's what Emeka did. 00:08:25.012 --> 00:08:27.058 You won't change your story overnight; 00:08:27.082 --> 00:08:29.427 it could take years and be painful. 00:08:29.451 --> 00:08:32.385 After all, we've all suffered, and we all struggle. 00:08:32.957 --> 00:08:37.296 But embracing those painful memories can lead to new insights and wisdom, 00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:40.385 to finding that good that sustains you. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:42.584 --> 00:08:47.117 Belonging, purpose, transcendence, storytelling: 00:08:47.863 --> 00:08:50.594 those are the four pillars of meaning. 00:08:51.626 --> 00:08:53.232 When I was younger, 00:08:53.256 --> 00:08:56.894 I was lucky enough to be surrounded by all of the pillars. 00:08:57.381 --> 00:09:01.921 My parents ran a Sufi meetinghouse from our home in Montreal. 00:09:02.686 --> 00:09:07.169 Sufism is a spiritual practice associated with the whirling dervishes 00:09:07.193 --> 00:09:08.586 and the poet Rumi. 00:09:09.430 --> 00:09:12.005 Twice a week, Sufis would come to our home 00:09:12.029 --> 00:09:15.789 to meditate, drink Persian tea, and share stories. 00:09:16.209 --> 00:09:19.166 Their practice also involved serving all of creation 00:09:19.190 --> 00:09:21.000 through small acts of love, 00:09:21.024 --> 00:09:24.365 which meant being kind even when people wronged you. 00:09:24.389 --> 00:09:27.543 But it gave them a purpose: to reign in the ego. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:28.912 --> 00:09:31.528 Eventually, I left home for college 00:09:31.552 --> 00:09:35.254 and without the daily grounding of Sufism in my life, 00:09:35.278 --> 00:09:36.866 I felt unmoored. 00:09:36.890 --> 00:09:40.478 And I started searching for those things that make life worth living. 00:09:40.502 --> 00:09:42.615 That's what set me on this journey. 00:09:43.012 --> 00:09:44.769 Looking back, I now realize 00:09:44.793 --> 00:09:48.035 that the Sufi house had a real culture of meaning. 00:09:48.059 --> 00:09:50.565 The pillars were part of the architecture, 00:09:50.589 --> 00:09:53.815 and the presence of the pillars helped us all live more deeply. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:54.414 --> 00:09:56.735 Of course, the same principle applies 00:09:56.759 --> 00:09:58.960 in other strong communities as well -- 00:09:58.984 --> 00:10:01.006 good ones and bad ones. 00:10:01.556 --> 00:10:03.585 Gangs, cults: 00:10:03.609 --> 00:10:06.622 these are cultures of meaning that use the pillars 00:10:06.646 --> 00:10:10.024 and give people something to live and die for. 00:10:10.048 --> 00:10:12.915 But that's exactly why we as a society 00:10:12.939 --> 00:10:15.048 must offer better alternatives. 00:10:15.072 --> 00:10:18.823 We need to build these pillars within our families and our institutions 00:10:18.847 --> 00:10:21.429 to help people become their best selves. 00:10:22.524 --> 00:10:25.110 But living a meaningful life takes work. 00:10:25.134 --> 00:10:27.009 It's an ongoing process. 00:10:27.033 --> 00:10:30.762 As each day goes by, we're constantly creating our lives, 00:10:30.786 --> 00:10:32.355 adding to our story. 00:10:32.831 --> 00:10:35.580 And sometimes we can get off track. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:36.362 --> 00:10:38.273 Whenever that happens to me, 00:10:38.297 --> 00:10:41.686 I remember a powerful experience I had with my father. 00:10:43.821 --> 00:10:46.468 Several months after I graduated from college, 00:10:46.492 --> 00:10:50.350 my dad had a massive heart attack that should have killed him. 00:10:51.033 --> 00:10:54.247 He survived, and when I asked him what was going through his mind 00:10:54.271 --> 00:10:55.893 as he faced death, 00:10:55.917 --> 00:10:58.600 he said all he could think about was needing to live 00:10:58.624 --> 00:11:00.762 so he could be there for my brother and me, 00:11:00.786 --> 00:11:03.375 and this gave him the will to fight for life. 00:11:04.063 --> 00:11:07.361 When he went under anesthesia for emergency surgery, 00:11:07.385 --> 00:11:09.715 instead of counting backwards from 10, 00:11:09.739 --> 00:11:12.909 he repeated our names like a mantra. 00:11:13.790 --> 00:11:17.601 He wanted our names to be the last words he spoke on earth 00:11:17.625 --> 00:11:18.850 if he died. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:21.033 --> 00:11:24.645 My dad is a carpenter and a Sufi. 00:11:25.185 --> 00:11:26.732 It's a humble life, 00:11:26.756 --> 00:11:28.025 but a good life. 00:11:28.564 --> 00:11:32.476 Lying there facing death, he had a reason to live: 00:11:32.500 --> 00:11:33.908 love. 00:11:33.932 --> 00:11:36.383 His sense of belonging within his family, 00:11:36.407 --> 00:11:38.136 his purpose as a dad, 00:11:38.160 --> 00:11:41.174 his transcendent meditation, repeating our names -- 00:11:41.198 --> 00:11:43.979 these, he says, are the reasons why he survived. 00:11:44.003 --> 00:11:46.442 That's the story he tells himself. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:47.747 --> 00:11:49.897 That's the power of meaning. 00:11:50.643 --> 00:11:53.435 Happiness comes and goes. 00:11:53.459 --> 00:11:55.308 But when life is really good 00:11:55.332 --> 00:11:57.221 and when things are really bad, 00:11:57.241 --> 00:12:00.294 having meaning gives you something to hold on to. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:00.322 --> 00:12:01.546 Thank you. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:01.570 --> 00:12:05.152 (Applause)