WEBVTT 00:00:01.098 --> 00:00:03.179 [scratching] 00:00:03.225 --> 00:00:05.697 [hummm] 00:00:05.928 --> 00:00:07.938 [school bell ] r-r-r-r-i-n-g-g-g! 00:00:07.938 --> 00:00:09.305 [percussion music] 00:00:10.672 --> 00:00:12.040 (Robert Wuhl) I want to welcome everyone 00:00:12.040 --> 00:00:14.004 to “Assume the Position”. 00:00:14.403 --> 00:00:15.138 I like that title. 00:00:15.138 --> 00:00:16.687 [audience laughing] 00:00:16.687 --> 00:00:20.219 And, this is going to be a different way to look at history. 00:00:21.096 --> 00:00:23.459 Tolstoy said, "History is a wonderful thing, 00:00:23.567 --> 00:00:24.888 if only it were true." 00:00:24.888 --> 00:00:26.686 [audience laughing] 00:00:26.686 --> 00:00:27.740 And that’s what the course is. 00:00:27.740 --> 00:00:31.898 It’s the stories that made up America, and the stories that America made up. 00:00:31.898 --> 00:00:34.568 00:00:34.568 --> 00:00:36.326 [History is Pop Culture] 00:00:36.326 --> 00:00:39.099 I’m going to assume the position, right off the bat, 00:00:39.099 --> 00:00:41.909 that history is pop culture. 00:00:42.078 --> 00:00:43.481 Now, when I say pop culture, what comes to your mind? 00:00:43.481 --> 00:00:44.772 Who…who comes to your mind? Anybody in particular? 00:00:44.772 --> 00:00:46.057 (Male Student #1) Brittney Spears. 00:00:46.057 --> 00:00:50.048 Brittney Spears! Never fails! Never, never fails! Anybody else? 00:00:50.048 --> 00:00:51.057 (Male Student #2) Paris Hilton. 00:00:51.057 --> 00:00:54.185 Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, you think back… 00:00:54.185 --> 00:01:00.224 I think...Christopher Columbus. [audience laughing] 00:01:00.224 --> 00:01:03.552 Behind me are three interpretations of Christopher Columbus. 00:01:03.552 --> 00:01:07.344 I say interpretations, because Chris never sat for a portrait 00:01:07.344 --> 00:01:08.712 during his entire lifetime. 00:01:08.712 --> 00:01:11.171 So nobody REALLY knows what this guy looks like. 00:01:11.171 --> 00:01:15.415 You can have a Paul Giamatti Columbus… [audience laughing] 00:01:15.415 --> 00:01:18.410 the Sting Columbus… [audience laughing] 00:01:18.410 --> 00:01:22.603 or, the John Malckovich Columbus. [audience laughing] 00:01:22.695 --> 00:01:26.765 Now, there are very few universal truths in the world. 00:01:26.765 --> 00:01:31.440 One is, food always tastes better, when somebody else is paying for it. 00:01:32.055 --> 00:01:34.991 Universal truth. The other is that everybody in this room was taught 00:01:34.991 --> 00:01:38.356 the story of how Columbus went before Queen Isabella of Spain, 00:01:38.356 --> 00:01:41.405 and he was going to prove to her that the world was… 00:01:41.405 --> 00:01:44.101 (Audience) Round. 00:01:44.917 --> 00:01:49.077 Do you know Queen Isabella of Spain? Pretty smart woman, I gotta believe, 00:01:49.077 --> 00:01:53.186 would’ve said to Christopher Columbus when he laid this line on her, he would... 00:01:53.186 --> 00:01:56.592 she would look at him and go, “Chris [inaudible], Aristotle figured out the world 00:01:56.592 --> 00:02:02.056 was round 2,000 years ago! This is 1492, the year they invented...the globe.” 00:02:02.718 --> 00:02:05.732 [tap] Tonk! [audience laughing] 00:02:06.994 --> 00:02:10.732 So, this world is round story, is a 100% bullshit. 00:02:10.732 --> 00:02:14.876 It’s total fiction, yet, HOW did our grandparents learn this? 00:02:14.876 --> 00:02:17.598 We learned this, our grandchildren are probably going to learn this. 00:02:17.598 --> 00:02:21.049 How come? Because, history is pop culture. 00:02:21.049 --> 00:02:25.084 And, the early 1800s, the biggest pop culture figure in America 00:02:25.084 --> 00:02:31.657 decided HE was going to tell the story. His name…Washington Irving. 00:02:31.657 --> 00:02:35.831 This is Washington Irving, and he is our nation’s first American idol. 00:02:35.831 --> 00:02:37.588 [audience chuckling] 00:02:37.588 --> 00:02:40.138 Now, we gotta remember, what is media in the early 1800s? 00:02:40.138 --> 00:02:43.471 What is media, then? Ahmmm, you got a town crier, 00:02:43.471 --> 00:02:45.912 so his circulation is what— about 50 yards? 00:02:45.912 --> 00:02:49.061 [audience laughing] 00:02:49.813 --> 00:02:51.858 You got newspapers, and they’re local. 00:02:51.858 --> 00:02:55.443 And, you have books. Books are everything. 00:02:55.443 --> 00:02:58.522 And, when it came to books, this guy becomes Stephen King, 00:02:58.522 --> 00:03:02.817 Steven Tyler, and Steven Spielberg rolled up into one, 00:03:02.817 --> 00:03:06.939 starting with his first book, The Knickerbocker Tales. 00:03:06.939 --> 00:03:08.774 Now, how popular was this book? 00:03:08.774 --> 00:03:13.349 The New York Knicks, to this day, get their name from the Knickerbockers. 00:03:13.349 --> 00:03:16.188 How popular was this book? Because Diedrich Knickerbocker 00:03:16.188 --> 00:03:21.039 wore his pants below the knee, we came up with “knickers”. 00:03:21.039 --> 00:03:26.183 OK, so this guy’s hot. He’s like Quentin Tarantino at the Pulp Fiction. 00:03:26.183 --> 00:03:29.022 What’s he gonna follow up with? What can possibly beat the first one? 00:03:29.022 --> 00:03:32.055 How about a little thing called, Rip Van Winkle? 00:03:33.087 --> 00:03:36.047 You remember Rip Van Winkle? A story about a man with a nagging wife, 00:03:36.047 --> 00:03:38.386 he gets drunk, goes to sleep for twenty years, 00:03:38.386 --> 00:03:41.184 wakes up, his wife is dead, and he lives happily ever after. 00:03:41.184 --> 00:03:45.726 [audience laughing] 00:03:45.726 --> 00:03:49.852 That’s the story of Rip Van Winkle! OK, so now he’s two for two, right? 00:03:49.852 --> 00:03:53.457 He’s like outcast following Ms. Jackson with, “Hey ya!” 00:03:53.703 --> 00:03:56.646 What can he possibly come up with next? A little something called, 00:03:56.646 --> 00:04:00.192 The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. How popular was this book? 00:04:00.192 --> 00:04:02.749 Two hundred years later, Johnny Depp wanted in. 00:04:02.749 --> 00:04:05.601 [audience laughing] 00:04:05.601 --> 00:04:07.207 So now, Washington Irving 00:04:07.207 --> 00:04:10.685 is America’s first internationally known author. 00:04:10.685 --> 00:04:13.161 He has got a worldwide audience, 00:04:13.207 --> 00:04:15.726 so he wants to write a worldwide best seller. 00:04:15.726 --> 00:04:16.753 And, what does he come up with? 00:04:16.753 --> 00:04:17.412 [swipe in] 00:04:17.412 --> 00:04:19.998 The Life and Voyages of Christopher Columbus. 00:04:20.921 --> 00:04:24.435 This becomes the biggest hit in American publishing history… 00:04:24.435 --> 00:04:27.059 at least until [swipe in] Volume 2. 00:04:27.059 --> 00:04:29.265 [audience laughing] 00:04:29.265 --> 00:04:32.485 OK—I threw in the Fellowship of the Ships. 00:04:32.532 --> 00:04:33.678 This becomes the biggest hit 00:04:33.678 --> 00:04:37.436 in publishing only until . . . [swipe in] Volume 3. 00:04:37.436 --> 00:04:38.772 Sequels--nothing is new. 00:04:38.772 --> 00:04:40.546 They had ‘em then, they’ll have ‘em forever. OK? 00:04:40.546 --> 00:04:44.991 But, what’s more important is that HERE is where the “world is round” 00:04:44.991 --> 00:04:50.026 stories come from. It’s not out of fact; it is totally out of his fiction. 00:04:50.026 --> 00:04:52.663 You know, Napoleon once said, “History is a myth 00:04:52.663 --> 00:04:57.129 that men agree to believe.” Well, so many people have read this myth 00:04:57.129 --> 00:05:01.687 that it creates what I have to call, The Liberty Valance Effect. 00:05:01.687 --> 00:05:03.658 There is a great old western, if you haven’t seen it, called, 00:05:03.658 --> 00:05:05.438 “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance”. 00:05:05.438 --> 00:05:07.858 It stars Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne, and it was directed by... 00:05:07.858 --> 00:05:09.962 (male student) John Ford. 00:05:09.962 --> 00:05:11.289 Awwww . . . there you go. John Ford. 00:05:11.289 --> 00:05:13.721 Only two film students came up with that? Shame on you! 00:05:13.721 --> 00:05:17.147 Shame on you! Orson Wells, when once asked, "Who are the three 00:05:17.147 --> 00:05:22.402 greatest American directors?" replied, “John Ford, John Ford, and John Ford.” 00:05:22.402 --> 00:05:27.103 John Ford has four academy awards. Four! Not that the Academy awards 00:05:27.103 --> 00:05:29.605 is a “be all and end all” of everything. I mean, Ben Affleck’s got a fuckin’ 00:05:29.605 --> 00:05:31.401 Oscar for God sakes you know what I'm saying? 00:05:31.401 --> 00:05:34.415 [audience laughing] 00:05:34.415 --> 00:05:37.908 You know, let’s put things in perspective a little bit here. 00:05:37.908 --> 00:05:42.609 But, in this movie, Jimmy Stewart plays a man who rises to become 00:05:42.609 --> 00:05:46.379 a hero, because he’s credited with killing the notorious outlaw, 00:05:46.379 --> 00:05:49.268 Liberty Valance. At the end of the movie, however, 00:05:49.268 --> 00:05:54.275 Jimmy Stewart confesses to his biographer that he really didn’t kill Liberty Valance... 00:05:54.275 --> 00:05:57.800 that John Wayne did. Hearing this, his biographer takes his notes, 00:05:57.800 --> 00:06:03.319 and tears them all up. And Jimmy goes, “W-w-w-what, you’re not gonna use that?” 00:06:03.319 --> 00:06:05.804 The biographist says, No.” This is the West, sir. 00:06:05.804 --> 00:06:10.044 When the legend becomes fact, print the legend. 00:06:10.044 --> 00:06:13.150 When the legend becomes fact, print the legend. 00:06:13.150 --> 00:06:16.104 Say that with me. When the legend becomes fact, 00:06:16.104 --> 00:06:17.377 (audience) print the legend. 00:06:17.377 --> 00:06:20.408 This is what's happened with Washington Irving and Columbus. 00:06:20.408 --> 00:06:23.519 He has created the Columbus legend, the legend has become fact, 00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:26.524 and we print the legend. 00:06:26.524 --> 00:06:28.328 Now, you can say this is some isolated incident, 00:06:28.328 --> 00:06:31.624 and I would say, “Oh, contraire mon Frere”. 00:06:31.732 --> 00:06:32.565 How about this guy? 00:06:32.889 --> 00:06:38.540 1775, Boston Massachusetts, a British postal worker, 23 years old, 00:06:38.540 --> 00:06:40.986 a postal rider, hears that the British are invading. 00:06:40.986 --> 00:06:45.596 He gets on a horse and rides 350 miles to warn the colonists. And, his name is… 00:06:45.596 --> 00:06:47.262 (audience) Paul Revere. 00:06:47.262 --> 00:06:50.644 His name is Israel Bissell. [audience laughing] 00:06:50.644 --> 00:06:53.871 Israel Bissell. Now, did Paul Revere ride? 00:06:53.871 --> 00:06:58.095 Absolutely. He went a good… [descending sound] oooh…19 miles. 00:06:58.095 --> 00:07:01.851 [audience laughing] Nineteen miles. He went 00:07:01.851 --> 00:07:05.267 from Boston to Cambridge. [audience laughing] 00:07:05.267 --> 00:07:10.460 The only person he could’ve warned was the Dean of Harvard. [audience laughing] 00:07:10.460 --> 00:07:12.633 Israel Bissell, on the other hand, goes from Boston, 00:07:12.633 --> 00:07:17.198 [horse galloping] across Massachusetts, down through Rhode Island, 00:07:17.198 --> 00:07:22.852 across Connecticut, down into New York, across New Jersey, to Philadelphia. 00:07:22.852 --> 00:07:27.330 Guys, how chafed are Bissell’s balls at this point I want to tell ya? 00:07:27.330 --> 00:07:29.726 I mean he’s on a horse. This is a long ride on Amtrak! 00:07:29.726 --> 00:07:33.080 [audience laughing] 00:07:33.080 --> 00:07:35.121 But, the question is, how come 00:07:35.121 --> 00:07:40.140 we never heard of Israel Bissell, but everybody knows Paul Revere? 00:07:40.140 --> 00:07:44.053 How come? Because, pop culture is history, 00:07:44.053 --> 00:07:48.535 and in the 1860’s, the biggest pop culture figure of that time decided 00:07:48.535 --> 00:07:54.448 HE was going to tell the story. His name, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. 00:07:54.448 --> 00:07:58.045 Now, I would say Longfellow was probably the Jerry Bruckheimer 00:07:58.045 --> 00:07:59.986 of romantic poetry. 00:07:59.986 --> 00:08:04.915 He writes these big, action-packed, stirring sagas, these epic length poems, 00:08:04.915 --> 00:08:08.255 starting with one you may have heard called, Evangeline. 00:08:08.779 --> 00:08:10.257 D' remember--everyone know about Evangeline? 00:08:10.257 --> 00:08:13.613 Has one of the great, great dramatic opening lines of all time. 00:08:13.613 --> 00:08:19.164 It went like this, “This is the forest primeval. 00:08:19.164 --> 00:08:21.203 Caw, caw, caw, caw.” 00:08:21.203 --> 00:08:24.802 [audience laughing] 00:08:24.802 --> 00:08:28.537 You like that little [inaudible] I threw in right there, eh? 00:08:28.537 --> 00:08:31.700 Ok, he follows that with not one, but two blockbusters— 00:08:31.700 --> 00:08:34.576 The Courtship of Miles Standish. And, he follows that up with, 00:08:34.576 --> 00:08:39.648 The Song of Hiawatha. You know the song of Hiawatha? 00:08:39.648 --> 00:08:44.759 [drumming to beat of Hiawatha] 00:08:44.759 --> 00:08:47.121 By the shores of Gitche Gumee, 00:08:47.121 --> 00:08:52.199 by the shining Big-Sea-Waters, so the wigwam of nakomis, 00:08:52.199 --> 00:08:58.407 and I don’t know any "mora". [audience laughing] 00:08:58.407 --> 00:09:01.986 He is America’s most popular poet til this day! 00:09:01.986 --> 00:09:05.590 But, along comes 1860, and what’s about to happen in 1860? 00:09:05.590 --> 00:09:07.900 (Audience) Civil War. 00:09:07.900 --> 00:09:09.082 Civil War’s about to happen. Now, Longfellow considers 00:09:09.082 --> 00:09:12.786 himself a patriot. 00:09:12.786 --> 00:09:17.534 And, he’ll do anything to keep the country from splitting apart. 00:09:17.534 --> 00:09:21.202 So, he wants to write this stirring saga that will inspire patriotism in everyone, 00:09:21.202 --> 00:09:26.033 except, he’s got a problem. He’s like Jerry Bruckheimer. 00:09:26.033 --> 00:09:29.159 He needs a name, and Israel Bissell isn’t inspiring anybody with his name. 00:09:29.159 --> 00:09:34.505 Israel Bissell sounds like a Jewish vacuum cleaner. 00:09:34.505 --> 00:09:35.946 [audience laughing] 00:09:35.946 --> 00:09:41.285 So instead, he turns on the guy 00:09:41.285 --> 00:09:44.989 who went 19 miles and creates a hero, because, “Listen my children, 00:09:44.989 --> 00:09:48.257 and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere.” 00:09:48.257 --> 00:09:50.273 Sounds a whole hell of a lot better than, “Come along kiddies! 00:09:50.273 --> 00:09:56.869 Daddy’s gonna whistle while he tells you all the story 00:09:56.869 --> 00:09:59.911 about Israel Bissell Ahhh!” We cast our heroes. We always have. 00:09:59.911 --> 00:10:02.618 We always will. And let’s face facts. Paul Revere is better casting 00:10:02.618 --> 00:10:07.077 than Israel Bissell, right? So instead he creates 00:10:07.077 --> 00:10:10.340 the Legend of Paul Revere. And once again, this creates 00:10:10.340 --> 00:10:11.725 the Liberty Valance Effect. When the legend becomes fact, 00:10:11.725 --> 00:10:13.806 print the legend. So, assume the position 00:10:13.806 --> 00:10:17.851 that pop culture is history. A hundred years from now, 00:10:17.851 --> 00:10:21.698 when the Longfellow or the Irving of 2105 00:10:21.698 --> 00:10:23.589 decides HE wants to tell his story his way, 00:10:23.589 --> 00:10:29.156 history may very well show that Al Gore did invent the internet, 00:10:29.156 --> 00:10:31.295 that George W. Bush was the most articulate statesman 00:10:31.295 --> 00:10:33.731 the world has ever known, and that Michael Jackson 00:10:33.731 --> 00:10:40.238 was really the only normal one among us all. [audience laughing] 00:10:40.238 --> 00:10:43.184 [upbeat wind instrument] 00:10:43.184 --> 00:10:45.339 (Tucker Carlson, MSNBC) In my view, history is…is is an air, 00:10:45.339 --> 00:10:48.307 is a morality tale, passion play. 00:10:48.307 --> 00:10:50.466 (Sarah Vowell, Author) I don’t know what history is 00:10:50.466 --> 00:10:52.162 I don’t know what history is, but I know what it isn’t, 00:10:52.162 --> 00:10:55.650 and it isn’t the good old days, a more innocent time when people 00:10:55.650 --> 00:11:01.849 were more good, and less beholden to their pocketbooks and their genitalia. 00:11:01.849 --> 00:11:03.640 (Jeff Greenfield, CNN) I…I think history turns on a dime; 00:11:03.640 --> 00:11:05.131 it turns on a plugged nickel. 00:11:05.131 --> 00:11:07.243 (Tucker Carlson, MSNBC) History has a purpose. It’s not a random 00:11:07.243 --> 00:11:10.098 series of events and facts. It tells a story, and it’s used 00:11:10.098 --> 00:11:13.429 by every generation to tell stories they find useful. 00:11:13.429 --> 00:11:15.181 (Sarah Vowell, Author) I mean everyone loves a good story, 00:11:15.181 --> 00:11:18.076 and I’m just as susceptible to it as the next guy. 00:11:18.076 --> 00:11:19.453 (Jeff Greenfield, CNN) I do remember a junior high school 00:11:19.453 --> 00:11:22.384 teacher of mine explaining that a lot of the founding fathers were smugglers, 00:11:22.384 --> 00:11:24.491 and that’s why they were so opposed to the British control of… 00:11:24.491 --> 00:11:27.734 that’s how they got around the British imports and taxes, 00:11:27.734 --> 00:11:30.990 and I thought, “Really? Smugglers. Hmmm.” [A More Perfect Union] 00:11:30.990 --> 00:11:31.231 I’m going to take it forgranted that everybody here loves their country. 00:11:31.231 --> 00:11:34.699 Now, everybody loves their country in a little bit different way. 00:11:34.699 --> 00:11:39.089 [For] some people, it’s a love or leave it type of thing. 00:11:39.089 --> 00:11:43.534 And, for those of us who have been married for twenty-plus years, 00:11:43.534 --> 00:11:45.900 it’s more of a, “Sure she pisses me off at times. 00:11:45.900 --> 00:11:49.128 What the fuck am I gonna do, ya know?” [audience laughing] 00:11:49.128 --> 00:11:53.959 But, all I’ve been hearing about lately is how great the founding fathers were! 00:11:53.959 --> 00:11:57.799 How smart these guys were! Well, they may have been smart. 00:11:57.799 --> 00:12:00.798 They may have been geniuses, but I know one thing for sure… 00:12:00.798 --> 00:12:04.381 they were human. And, humans make mistakes. 00:12:04.381 --> 00:12:08.857 Like in the oh…say the… first sentence of the Constitution. 00:12:08.857 --> 00:12:11.840 [audience chuckling] Right? Say it with me. We the People… 00:12:11.840 --> 00:12:13.665 (audience and Wuhl) Right? Say it with me. We the People… 00:12:13.665 --> 00:12:14.929 of the United States, in order to form… 00:12:14.929 --> 00:12:16.965 (audience) a more perfect union… 00:12:16.965 --> 00:12:18.007 (Wuhl) A what? 00:12:18.007 --> 00:12:18.994 (audience) a more… 00:12:18.994 --> 00:12:21.985 (Robert Wuhl) A what? A what? A what? 00:12:21.985 --> 00:12:27.216 [audience laughing] There is no such thing as more perfect. 00:12:27.216 --> 00:12:32.411 You’re either perfect or you’re not. So, right off the bat, our country 00:12:32.411 --> 00:12:38.463 is based upon a grammatical fuck up. [audience laughing] 00:12:38.463 --> 00:12:41.043 Who are these founding fathers? Are they the common man? 00:12:41.043 --> 00:12:43.689 Are they the working man? Hell, no! They’re rich white men 00:12:43.689 --> 00:12:48.529 that didn’t want to pay taxes. Boy, how things have changed! 00:12:48.529 --> 00:12:49.824 [audience laughing] By the way, you know why? 00:12:49.824 --> 00:12:54.137 You know why they wore all that stuff? There was a way to show wealth. 00:12:54.137 --> 00:12:58.290 The more material you had on, you could show off how wealthy you were, 00:12:58.290 --> 00:13:02.177 how upper class it was. And I often wonder myself, if two people wanted to hook up, 00:13:02.177 --> 00:13:05.083 what did they have to take off, ok? For example, a woman… 00:13:05.083 --> 00:13:10.440 [audience laughing] a woman would have to take off her cap, 00:13:10.440 --> 00:13:17.751 a heavily embroidered, brocade gown, laced down the back with 26 grommets, 00:13:17.751 --> 00:13:24.164 under that a petticoat with dozens of hooks lacing up the back, right? 00:13:24.164 --> 00:13:28.733 She has a farmingdale. That’s this wide thing… 00:13:28.733 --> 00:13:32.069 it has clothes with 19…I tell ya, this is the only time it paid 00:13:32.069 --> 00:13:36.220 to be a peasant. They had no rules--no worry. 00:13:36.220 --> 00:13:38.221 They just went ahead and just did what they had to do. 00:13:38.221 --> 00:13:46.742 [audience laughing] He has to wear a tricorn hat, a perry wig, 00:13:46.742 --> 00:13:53.702 [female screaming in ecstasy] a heavily embroidered brocade coat with 32 gold buttons, 00:13:53.702 --> 00:13:57.755 flared sleeves and laced sleeves, a brocaded vest 00:13:57.755 --> 00:14:03.337 with more than 20 buttons. The kneel…I think it’s safe 00:14:03.337 --> 00:14:05.749 to assume the position that there was no such thing 00:14:05.749 --> 00:14:15.930 as a colonial quickie. [audience laughing and applauding] 00:14:15.930 --> 00:14:17.472 You didn’t think you were going to have show-and-tell, did you? [audience laughing] 00:14:17.472 --> 00:14:23.336 [As American as Apple Pie] I call this, “As American as Apple Pie.” 00:14:23.336 --> 00:14:26.857 Now, this refers to something that we think is a recent phenomenon, 00:14:26.857 --> 00:14:29.365 but I—I assume the position that it’s been around forever. 00:14:29.365 --> 00:14:37.349 Tonight’s topic will be... “Star Fucking”. [audience laughing] 00:14:37.349 --> 00:14:39.714 Now, I gotta tell you I have no political agenda whatsoever. 00:14:39.714 --> 00:14:42.191 My dad was a republican, my mom was a democrat, 00:14:42.191 --> 00:14:44.197 so I kind of see both sides of every issue. 00:14:44.197 --> 00:14:48.431 That said, my wife is to the left of Lenin. 00:14:48.431 --> 00:14:53.684 [audience laughing] I mean, she sees this guy. 00:14:53.684 --> 00:14:57.000 She goes berserk. How did this guy get to be governor? 00:14:57.000 --> 00:15:01.768 This guy? He’s a celebrity! It shouldn’t be a popularity contest. 00:15:01.768 --> 00:15:04.845 And I look at her and I go, “What? Are you out of your mind?” 00:15:04.845 --> 00:15:08.330 All elections are popularity contests, since the beginning of time. 00:15:08.330 --> 00:15:11.358 I don’t care if it’s the prom queen, class president, 00:15:11.358 --> 00:15:14.466 or President of the United States. Whoever wins is the most 00:15:14.466 --> 00:15:18.046 popular person at that time. Who are our first celebrities? 00:15:18.046 --> 00:15:21.841 The war heroes, right? Let’s start with um, our old buddy here, 00:15:21.841 --> 00:15:24.384 George Washington. [audience laughing] 00:15:24.384 --> 00:15:26.830 OK…George. He was the hero of the revolution. 00:15:26.830 --> 00:15:30.835 Do you know how many battles he fought? Nine. You know how many he actually won? 00:15:30.835 --> 00:15:31.974 (male student) Zero. 00:15:31.974 --> 00:15:34.243 (Robert Wuhl) Three. Three. Zero, we wouldn’t be here, 00:15:34.243 --> 00:15:41.218 if he won zero. [audience laughing] 00:15:41.218 --> 00:15:44.909 But actually, he won three, so that makes his record three and six. 00:15:44.909 --> 00:15:46.676 Three and six? Three and six doesn’t get you 00:15:46.676 --> 00:15:49.207 into the Gator Bowl, leave alone the White House, right? 00:15:49.207 --> 00:15:54.884 But, we elected George Washington. Why? Because he was a star, and star fucking is… 00:15:54.884 --> 00:15:58.383 (audience in unison) as American as apple pie. 00:15:58.383 --> 00:16:00.798 How about our next guy, Andrew Jackson, 00:16:00.798 --> 00:16:05.379 hero of the Battle of New Orleans during the War of 1812. 00:16:05.379 --> 00:16:08.327 Ahh, by the way, we don’t hear much about the war of 1812, do we? 00:16:08.327 --> 00:16:10.325 You think it’s because we got our ass kicked? 00:16:10.325 --> 00:16:12.797 [audience and Robert Wuhl laughs] Missed that one, huh? 00:16:12.797 --> 00:16:15.473 Actually, one of the few battles we win is the Battle of New Orleans, 00:16:15.473 --> 00:16:17.181 and, does anybody know… where’s my history majors? 00:16:17.181 --> 00:16:19.748 What makes the Battle of New Orleans unique? 00:16:19.748 --> 00:16:21.221 (Male Student) The war is over. 00:16:21.221 --> 00:16:22.358 (Female Student) Yeah. 00:16:22.358 --> 00:16:23.635 (Robert Wuhl) It’s fought when the war is over. 00:16:23.635 --> 00:16:25.946 You know, I’ve always found that when one side says, 00:16:25.946 --> 00:16:29.106 “You know, let’s go home,” and the other guy goes, “Attack!” 00:16:29.106 --> 00:16:34.964 That side usually wins. [audience laughing] 00:16:34.964 --> 00:16:38.322 But, we elect Andrew Jackson. Why? Because Jackson’s a star 00:16:38.322 --> 00:16:39.595 and star fucking is… 00:16:39.595 --> 00:16:42.740 (audience) as American as apple pie. 00:16:42.740 --> 00:16:46.344 The next guy up--the most popular man of the 19th century, more popular 00:16:46.344 --> 00:16:49.969 than Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant, hero of the Civil War, 00:16:49.969 --> 00:16:53.504 and one of the great all-time American drunks. 00:16:53.504 --> 00:16:56.611 [audience laughing] I said drunk--not an alcoholic. 00:16:56.611 --> 00:16:58.007 You know the old joke between— what’s the difference between 00:16:58.007 --> 00:16:59.575 a drunk and an alcoholic? Drunks don’t have to go 00:16:59.575 --> 00:17:04.864 to those meetings! [audience laughing] 00:17:04.864 --> 00:17:07.421 But, America elects Grant, because Grant’s a star, 00:17:07.421 --> 00:17:08.727 and star fucking is… 00:17:08.727 --> 00:17:11.509 (audience) as American as apple pie. 00:17:11.509 --> 00:17:14.350 In the 20th century, media changes. So, now we got more than 00:17:14.350 --> 00:17:16.890 just newspapers and war heroes. Now, we have media heroes. 00:17:16.890 --> 00:17:19.403 We have actors, we have TV, we have radio. 00:17:19.403 --> 00:17:23.554 So, it’s not uncommon to see celebrities become politicians. 00:17:23.554 --> 00:17:25.879 I mean for…I mean, I dunno— it’s like—of course, 00:17:25.879 --> 00:17:28.800 we had Ronald Reagan, we had an actor, become a politician. 00:17:28.800 --> 00:17:35.344 We also had a basketball player, a wrestler, a gopher, 00:17:35.344 --> 00:17:42.947 a non-alcoholic beverage. [audience laughing] 00:17:42.947 --> 00:17:46.410 So, if say…Alec Baldwin decides to run for office, 00:17:46.410 --> 00:17:49.103 it’s not the exception. It’s the norm. In the 1800s, the biggest star 00:17:49.103 --> 00:17:54.227 in America was Edwin Booth. He may have had political aspirations, 00:17:54.227 --> 00:17:57.538 but unfortunately, his brother, John Wilkes, put the kibosh on that. 00:17:57.538 --> 00:18:00.081 [single gunshot] So, if I were Alec Baldwin, 00:18:00.081 --> 00:18:02.799 personally, I’d be on the lookout for Steven Baldwin. 00:18:02.799 --> 00:18:07.781 [audience laughing] I’ll tell you something else 00:18:07.781 --> 00:18:11.774 that’s American as apple pie. [rhythm of We Will Rock You] 00:18:11.774 --> 00:18:15.886 You’re at the stadium. Everybody… [rhythm of “We Will Rock You”] 00:18:15.886 --> 00:18:18.870 OK. No matter what the score is, everybody gets into this, right? 00:18:18.870 --> 00:18:20.477 They’re all unified. 00:18:20.477 --> 00:18:22.993 (Female Singer) Buddy you’re a boy 00:18:22.993 --> 00:18:24.957 (Wuhl joins in) make a big noise, playin’ in the street, 00:18:24.957 --> 00:18:26.818 gonna be a big man someday. Everybody, c’mon! You got mud 00:18:26.818 --> 00:18:28.838 on yo’ face, you big disgrace, 00:18:28.838 --> 00:18:31.527 (class joins in) kickin’ your can all over the place. 00:18:31.527 --> 00:18:38.214 Singin’, we will we will rock you. Yeah, everybody! Everybody together! 00:18:38.214 --> 00:18:41.388 We will we will rock you. We got a battle cry! 00:18:41.388 --> 00:18:43.819 We’ll follow you, man! And, who are we following? 00:18:43.819 --> 00:18:47.263 Who we gonna follow? We’re following Freddie Mercury, man! 00:18:47.263 --> 00:18:52.971 [audience laughing] That’s who we’re following. 00:18:52.971 --> 00:18:57.007 I guarantee you, 90% of the people in that stadium wouldn’t follow 00:18:57.007 --> 00:19:03.008 Freddie Mercury into the front door of their own home. 00:19:03.008 --> 00:19:10.121 But, right now, we’ll follow him to hell. [audience laughing] How come? Because, he’s created 00:19:10.121 --> 00:19:13.112 a gay battle cry. [audience chuckling] A gay battle cry unites the crowd. 00:19:13.112 --> 00:19:15.922 Now, you might think this is a totally unique situation, 00:19:15.922 --> 00:19:18.975 and I would assume the position that gay battle cries are 00:19:18.975 --> 00:19:23.384 (Wuhl and audience) as American as apple pie. 00:19:24.547 --> 00:19:25.316 [audience laughing] 00:19:25.316 --> 00:19:26.934 Now, I know what you’re thinking. 00:19:26.934 --> 00:19:35.645 Mr. Wuhl, now you’ve gone too far. I would say, look no farther for proof 00:19:35.645 --> 00:19:39.503 than the quintessential American sing-along song. It used to go 00:19:39.503 --> 00:19:45.863 something like this. [Yankee Doodle song] 00:19:45.863 --> 00:19:48.253 Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony. Everyone! 00:19:48.253 --> 00:19:49.890 (Everyone) Stuck a feather in his hat 00:19:49.890 --> 00:19:52.388 and called it macaroni. OK, raise your hand if you ever wondered 00:19:52.388 --> 00:19:56.188 why the hell he called it macaroni. [audience laughing] 00:19:56.188 --> 00:20:04.134 Why call it macaroni? During the 1700s, in London, 00:20:04.134 --> 00:20:07.775 which is where this song originated, there was a very, very, very, very, 00:20:07.775 --> 00:20:11.542 notorious club known as the “Macaroni Club”. 00:20:11.542 --> 00:20:15.895 The Macaroni Club consisted of a feet, dandy, foppish, young men 00:20:15.895 --> 00:20:19.332 who would gather together to discuss the latest in fashion, 00:20:19.332 --> 00:20:21.064 culture, and cuisine. Basically, we are talking 00:20:21.064 --> 00:20:26.618 “ye old queer eye”. [audience laughing] 00:20:26.618 --> 00:20:30.324 Now, the word “yankee” actually comes from the Dutch word, “yok”, 00:20:30.324 --> 00:20:34.296 which means like a rube, a hick, a hillbilly. So, what the upper-class Brits 00:20:34.296 --> 00:20:37.108 were actually saying is, here comes this yankee into town, 00:20:37.108 --> 00:20:41.980 this yankee doodle, and he’s probably gonna wind up at the old Macaroni Club. 00:20:41.980 --> 00:20:44.623 I have no idea where he put the feather. 00:20:44.623 --> 00:20:47.477 [audience laughing] But, the only thing that the Brits 00:20:47.477 --> 00:20:52.915 hated worse than the “poofs” in London, were these asshole American colonists 00:20:52.915 --> 00:20:56.479 across the pond causing trouble. So, they decide to insult all of us 00:20:56.479 --> 00:21:00.121 by calling all of us yankee doodles and doing this song. 00:21:00.121 --> 00:21:03.475 But, we don’t know anything about a Macaroni Club, but we knew 00:21:03.475 --> 00:21:08.154 a good tune when we heard one. [audience laughing] 00:21:08.154 --> 00:21:12.499 So, we ran with it! So, the next time you hear, 00:21:12.499 --> 00:21:14.608 “We Will Rock You”, you think of “Yankee Doodle”, 00:21:14.608 --> 00:21:16.644 because gay battle cries are… 00:21:16.644 --> 00:21:19.650 (audience) as American as apple pie. 00:21:19.650 --> 00:21:26.493 [Yankee Doodle song] 00:21:26.493 --> 00:21:28.380 [background music] (Tucker Carlson, MSNBC) Personal favorite historic—yeah, 00:21:28.380 --> 00:21:30.640 Teddy Roosevelt was a complete bad ass, total bad ass. 00:21:30.640 --> 00:21:34.384 Swam every day in Rock Creek, naked, played squash every day, 00:21:34.384 --> 00:21:37.308 invited heads of state, foreign heads of state over to the White House 00:21:37.308 --> 00:21:40.533 and then challenged them to boxing matches. 00:21:40.533 --> 00:21:41.603 (Sarah Vowell, Author) I guess Louis Armstrong. 00:21:41.603 --> 00:21:44.306 He was…when I was a little girl, I wanted to be Louis Armstrong. 00:21:44.306 --> 00:21:47.875 And uh, so I was a trumpet player. In fact, I’m just a failed trumpet player. 00:21:47.875 --> 00:21:49.839 (David Cross, Humorist) You know, a lot of things I think 00:21:49.839 --> 00:21:58.717 about historically probably have to do with art or literature. 00:21:58.717 --> 00:22:02.616 Ah, um…I dunno…who did the first um…porn on VHS? 00:22:02.616 --> 00:22:03.753 (Jeff Greenfield, CNN) You know, Alexander Hamilton 00:22:03.753 --> 00:22:05.146 was the first Secretary of the Treasury, 00:22:05.146 --> 00:22:08.469 but he was also the…the protagonist of America’s first sex scandal. 00:22:08.469 --> 00:22:13.225 Um, it’s a wonderful story. He was accused by his republican/ 00:22:13.225 --> 00:22:18.594 democratic opponents of um… paying somebody off for some kind 00:22:18.594 --> 00:22:20.457 of economic gain, and he wrote this… he published this long thing. 00:22:20.457 --> 00:22:23.768 He said, “No, no, no. No, they were blackmailing me, 00:22:23.768 --> 00:22:27.810 because I was sleeping with his wife. 00:22:27.810 --> 00:22:29.808 [I Shit You Not] 00:22:29.808 --> 00:22:33.768 (Robert Wuhl) I shit you not. [audience laughing] 00:22:33.768 --> 00:22:37.888 There’s a sort of history vice such as…this is the great racehorse, 00:22:37.888 --> 00:22:41.430 Man of War. Between 1919 and 1920, 00:22:41.430 --> 00:22:44.622 Man of War raced twenty-one times. You know how many times it won? 00:22:44.622 --> 00:22:47.490 Twenty. Won twenty, lost one race. Lost to a horse named Upset. 00:22:47.490 --> 00:22:52.667 Now, what’s interesting about this is up to this point, “upset” meant, 00:22:52.667 --> 00:22:55.395 I’m very upset with you, or I have an upset stomach. 00:22:55.395 --> 00:22:59.118 But, from this moment forward, anytime the underdog beat a favorite, 00:22:59.118 --> 00:23:00.716 he was said to have pulled an… 00:23:00.716 --> 00:23:02.016 (audience) upset. 00:23:02.016 --> 00:23:05.580 And that’s where the term comes from. I shit you not. 00:23:05.580 --> 00:23:09.212 This is George Grant, son of slaves. In 1870, George Grant becomes 00:23:09.212 --> 00:23:12.717 the first African-American graduate of Harvard Dental School. 00:23:12.717 --> 00:23:17.589 He then goes on to develop the first device for cleft-palate patients. 00:23:17.589 --> 00:23:23.978 But then, he invents something that 00:23:23.978 --> 00:23:25.146 revolutionizes every doctor’s practice… the golf tee. 00:23:25.146 --> 00:23:26.696 [audience laughing] 00:23:26.696 --> 00:23:29.926 Thereby cementing his place in American Medical History. 00:23:29.926 --> 00:23:32.066 Dr. George Grant, inventor of the golf tee. 00:23:32.066 --> 00:23:34.606 I shit you not. [audience laughing] 00:23:34.606 --> 00:23:37.743 According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the book most often 00:23:37.743 --> 00:23:41.837 stolen from libraries every year is “The Guinness Book of World Records.” 00:23:41.837 --> 00:23:45.893 [audience laughing] I shit you not. 00:23:45.893 --> 00:23:49.948 Alfred Nobel. We know Alfred Nobel, founder of the great 00:23:49.948 --> 00:23:53.304 Alfred Nobel foundation. 00:23:53.304 --> 00:23:54.368 Who can tell me, where did Alfred Nobel make all his money from? 00:23:54.368 --> 00:23:55.542 (Audience) Dynamite. 00:23:55.542 --> 00:23:59.233 He invented dynamite! Dynamite! This son of a bitch blew up half the world-- 00:23:59.233 --> 00:24:04.411 has the balls to get a peace prize. [audience laughing] 00:24:04.411 --> 00:24:08.521 Edward Hyde, cousin of Queen Anne. Edward Hyde becomes Lord Cornbury, 00:24:08.521 --> 00:24:11.588 and becomes the colonial governor of New York and New Jersey 00:24:11.588 --> 00:24:14.617 in the early 1700s. He becomes a man that was so corrupt 00:24:14.617 --> 00:24:17.321 that it is said that he did more than any other single individual 00:24:17.321 --> 00:24:21.242 to unite the colonies against Britain. Oh, by the way, he had one other quirk 00:24:21.242 --> 00:24:28.225 that pissed people off. This is the actual portrait of him 00:24:28.225 --> 00:24:29.223 that hangs in the New York Historical Society. 00:24:29.223 --> 00:24:32.208 Lord Cornbury, America’s first transvestite governor. 00:24:32.208 --> 00:24:35.214 I shit you not. [audience laughing] 00:24:35.214 --> 00:24:39.464 Ben Affleck has an Oscar. I shit you not. 00:24:39.464 --> 00:24:45.551 [audience laughing and applauding] 00:24:45.551 --> 00:24:48.281 The Hundred Years War lasted a hundred sixteen years. 00:24:48.281 --> 00:24:51.508 [audience laughing] 00:24:51.508 --> 00:24:53.278 Who was the Hundred Years War fought between? 00:24:53.278 --> 00:24:54.775 (Male Student) French and English 00:24:54.775 --> 00:24:57.623 Ahhhhh. One person. One person! French and English, this is amazing, 00:24:57.623 --> 00:24:59.496 hundred sixteen years war, and only one person remembers? 00:24:59.496 --> 00:25:01.245 You know how long a hundred sixteen years is? 00:25:01.245 --> 00:25:06.593 That’s from…ah…1890 til next May. [audience laughing] 00:25:06.593 --> 00:25:09.980 One person remembered, but I guarantee ya everybody in this room 00:25:09.980 --> 00:25:11.183 remembers something that came out of it. 00:25:11.183 --> 00:25:13.160 Yes, first of all, it was fought between the English and the French. 00:25:13.160 --> 00:25:16.512 The reason was, because Britain believed that France belonged to them. 00:25:16.512 --> 00:25:21.007 Now, historically, Britain always believes that everything belongs to them. 00:25:21.007 --> 00:25:23.229 [audience chuckling] But something happens during this war. 00:25:23.229 --> 00:25:26.751 First of all, the first great piece of long-range artillery is introduced 00:25:26.751 --> 00:25:29.222 during this war. It is the English longbow. 00:25:29.222 --> 00:25:34.188 Uh, known as the machine gun of its time, it was made from the English yew tree. 00:25:34.188 --> 00:25:37.059 Y-E-W…very strong tree, and you would… and what you would do is you pull back 00:25:37.059 --> 00:25:39.167 with your middle finger, you would pull back on the bow, and pluck. 00:25:39.167 --> 00:25:42.481 This was known as “plucking the yew”. 00:25:42.481 --> 00:25:47.394 You could hit targets from 250 yards away with the long bow. 00:25:47.394 --> 00:25:50.815 The French hated the long bow and feared it so much that whenever 00:25:50.815 --> 00:25:55.008 they would capture a British soldier, they would chop off their middle finger 00:25:55.008 --> 00:25:58.159 making them unable to shoot. Look there, bligh there, mate! 00:25:58.159 --> 00:26:02.527 I can’t pluck me yew! [audience chuckling] 00:26:02.527 --> 00:26:06.201 I can’t pluck me yew! I got no middle finger! 00:26:06.201 --> 00:26:10.084 But, the tide turns at the Battle of Agincourt 00:26:10.084 --> 00:26:15.417 where 20,000 Frenchmen have 5,000 Englishmen surrounded. 00:26:15.417 --> 00:26:21.272 They are so overconfident that the night before, they had this victory party. 00:26:21.272 --> 00:26:23.308 They had the croissants, a little pate, a little wine… 00:26:23.308 --> 00:26:33.415 [Wuhl sings La Vie En Rose] 00:26:33.415 --> 00:26:36.200 Meanwhile, the English rally… and, who do they rally around? 00:26:36.200 --> 00:26:39.551 Henry V—this is the Henry V battle of Agincourt where Henry 00:26:39.551 --> 00:26:42.211 rallies everyone and says, “Once more into the breach, 00:26:42.211 --> 00:26:45.631 ye men, ye merry men, ye band of brothers!” 00:26:45.631 --> 00:26:53.355 And, the greatest upset since David, the British defeat the French. 00:26:53.355 --> 00:26:56.230 Not only do they defeat the French, but to taunt the French, 00:26:56.230 --> 00:26:59.547 they would hold up their hands, showing they still had their middle finger 00:26:59.547 --> 00:27:00.865 and say, “Hey! Froggy, 00:27:00.865 --> 00:27:04.798 I still got me middle finger! I can still pluck you! 00:27:04.798 --> 00:27:08.335 I can still pluck you!” The “pl” became anglocized to “f”, 00:27:08.335 --> 00:27:10.403 and that’s where you get, “I can fuck you”. 00:27:10.403 --> 00:27:11.879 [audience laughing] 00:27:11.879 --> 00:27:15.036 And that’s the legend of where giving the finger comes from. 00:27:15.036 --> 00:27:20.893 Is it true? It doesn’t matter! It’s the legend. 00:27:20.893 --> 00:27:22.218 And, when the legend becomes fact… 00:27:22.218 --> 00:27:24.406 (audience) print the legend. 00:27:24.406 --> 00:27:26.338 I want to thank everyone for attending class today. 00:27:26.338 --> 00:27:35.223 I appreciate it. Class dismissed! [audience cheering and applauding] [upbeat music] 00:27:35.223 --> 00:27:39.187 (Wuhl) Thank you. Thank you. 00:27:39.187 --> 00:27:50.137 (Sarah Vowell, Author) When I was a little kid, my parents 00:27:50.137 --> 00:27:54.600 had this record in their record collection called, “History Repeats Itself”. 00:27:54.600 --> 00:27:59.382 And it was this whole list of Lincoln/Kennedy 00:27:59.382 --> 00:28:01.093 assassination coincidences. 00:28:01.093 --> 00:28:03.205 [Sarah hums to “America the Beautiful” while Wuhl speaks] 00:28:03.205 --> 00:28:04.849 Lincoln has a secretary named Kennedy. Kennedy has a secretary named Lincoln. 00:28:04.849 --> 00:28:08.757 Ahh…both were shot in front of their wives. 00:28:08.757 --> 00:28:10.109 (Sarah) Uh huh. 00:28:10.109 --> 00:28:11.910 (Wuhl) Ahhh… John Wilkes Booth… 00:28:11.910 --> 00:28:13.024 (Sarah) I got tired of humming. 00:28:13.024 --> 00:28:14.354 (Wuhl) OK. Ja -w-w-w-k-do you have-OK… 00:28:14.354 --> 00:28:16.350 John Wilkes Boothand Lee Harvey Oswald 00:28:16.350 --> 00:28:18.164 had the same amount of letters in their names. 00:28:18.164 --> 00:28:24.136 Right, and ah, Oswald shoots Kennedy and runs to a theater… 00:28:24.136 --> 00:28:28.560 Oh, Oswald shoots Kennedy in a warehouse and runs to a theater. 00:28:28.560 --> 00:28:32.876 Booth shoots Lincoln in a theater and runs to a warehouse, 00:28:32.876 --> 00:28:34.917 which is actually a barn, but… 00:28:34.917 --> 00:28:39.690 (Wuhl) OK. Lincoln is born in a log cabin. 00:28:39.690 --> 00:28:42.573 Kennedy once spilled Lob Cabin syrup in his dad’s Lincoln. 00:28:42.573 --> 00:28:58.335 [Sarah and Wuhl laugh] 00:28:58.335 --> 00:29:04.520 00:29:04.520 --> 00:29:06.348 [air blowing] [note on an organ] 00:29:06.348 --> 00:29:09.687 [schoolbell] R-r-r-r-i-n-n-g-g-g! 00:29:09.687 --> 00:29:10.711 [percussion and synthesizer music] 00:29:10.711 --> 00:29:11.821 I wanna welcome everybody to “Assume the Position 201.” 00:29:11.821 --> 00:29:13.473 [audience applauding] I want to thank everyone 00:29:13.473 --> 00:29:16.873 for attending class, which once again are the stories 00:29:16.873 --> 00:29:23.507 that made up America, and the stories that America made up. 00:29:23.507 --> 00:29:31.674 Today, I am going to assume the position that history is based on a true story. 00:29:31.674 --> 00:29:33.128 [audience laughing] And the story I’m going to tell you 00:29:33.128 --> 00:29:33.975 about today is about our most exclusive country club—our Chief Executives. 00:29:33.975 --> 00:29:41.223 Talk about members only. [audience laughing] 00:29:41.223 --> 00:29:48.993 In 218 years, only 42 of ‘em. And, I gotta say, for a country 00:29:48.993 --> 00:29:58.715 that’s been built upon diversity… [audience laughing] 00:29:58.715 --> 00:30:01.402 Not a whole lotta hell of it up there, is there? 00:30:01.402 --> 00:30:06.520 In fact, the only diversity I see up there is facial hair. That’s it! 00:30:06.520 --> 00:30:09.959 First 15 presidents before Lincoln— no facial hair. 00:30:09.959 --> 00:30:14.334 Next 7 out of 8—facial hair. [audience laughing] 00:30:14.334 --> 00:30:16.839 And the only reason Andrew Johnson doesn’t have any is, because 00:30:16.839 --> 00:30:19.722 Lincoln got shot, and he didn’t have enough time to grow a beard. 00:30:19.722 --> 00:30:22.471 [audience laughing] 00:30:22.471 --> 00:30:26.307 Now, in my lifetime, there have been 10 different presidents. 00:30:26.307 --> 00:30:29.993 Some good, some not so good, all of them clean shaven, 00:30:29.993 --> 00:30:33.945 and none of them could get rid of Castro. [audience laughing] 00:30:33.945 --> 00:30:38.618 His secret? Facial hair! [audience laughing] 00:30:38.618 --> 00:30:41.434 But, for the first time in this upcoming election, 00:30:41.434 --> 00:30:48.124 there is a very real possibility that a white male may NOT be elected 00:30:48.124 --> 00:30:50.143 to our nation’s highest office. 00:30:50.143 --> 00:30:53.512 In fact, there is a real chance that we could have a white woman 00:30:53.512 --> 00:30:57.874 and a black man running on the same national party ticket. 00:30:57.874 --> 00:31:00.348 That’s groundbreaking. That’s monumental. 00:31:00.348 --> 00:31:05.028 This has never happened in the history of our country since 1872. 00:31:05.028 --> 00:31:09.772 [audience laughing] 00:31:09.772 --> 00:31:14.614 In 1872, this was the presidential ticket for the Equal Rights Party. 00:31:14.614 --> 00:31:18.457 The vice-presidential candidate was the abolitionist, Frederick Douglass, 00:31:18.457 --> 00:31:21.522 a former slave who later became the leading orator of his time. 00:31:21.522 --> 00:31:25.656 And the presidential candidate was the, oh, so controversial 00:31:25.656 --> 00:31:30.839 Victoria Woodhull,who despite the fact that women won’t have the right 00:31:30.839 --> 00:31:34.233 to vote for almost another 50 years, becomes the first woman 00:31:34.233 --> 00:31:37.781 to run for president. 00:31:37.781 --> 00:31:40.196 Along with Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton, 00:31:40.196 --> 00:31:44.541 Woodhull is the superstar of the Women’s Suffrage Movement. 00:31:44.541 --> 00:31:47.472 But, what makes her controversial is she not only believes 00:31:47.472 --> 00:31:52.503 in a woman’s right to vote, she believes in a woman’s right for free love. 00:31:52.503 --> 00:31:56.800 And, by free love, she means sex. 00:31:56.800 --> 00:32:00.835 She means sex with who she wants, when she wants, where she wants. 00:32:00.835 --> 00:32:04.667 [audience laughing] Personally, I’d rather party with Vicky. 00:32:04.667 --> 00:32:08.128 [audience laughing] Look at her. She’s got a little ah… 00:32:08.128 --> 00:32:13.405 Maggie Gyllenhaal thing going on there, doesn’t she? 00:32:13.405 --> 00:32:15.269 [audience laughing] But, the fact that she wants 00:32:15.269 --> 00:32:21.600 to come…means she’s gotta go! [audience laughing] 00:32:21.600 --> 00:32:23.938 In fact, she’s so controversial, even her own two buddies 00:32:23.938 --> 00:32:29.762 kick her off “The View”. [audience laughing] [slinging sound] 00:32:29.762 --> 00:32:32.470 The thought of Victoria Woodhull becoming president obviously 00:32:32.470 --> 00:32:33.922 frightened a lot of people. 00:32:33.922 --> 00:32:37.490 Me? I’m an equal rights guy. I believe that women should have every right 00:32:37.490 --> 00:32:40.937 to be just as incompetent as men. [audience laughing] 00:32:40.937 --> 00:32:44.479 I mean in retrospect, could she possibly have been any worse than this guy? 00:32:44.479 --> 00:32:49.589 Franklin Pierce, in 1852, little known rich kid Senator Franklin Pierce 00:32:49.589 --> 00:32:53.655 wakes up one morning and says, “You know? I’m clean shaven; 00:32:53.655 --> 00:32:57.592 I’m gonna run for president.” However, he’s got obstacles. 00:32:57.592 --> 00:32:59.833 His two rivals to the democratic nomination 00:32:59.833 --> 00:33:07.480 are Steven Douglas who stood an imposing 4’6”… 00:33:07.480 --> 00:33:09.131 [audience laughing] and James Buchannan, 00:33:09.131 --> 00:33:13.846 a lifelong bachelor who many thought led an alternative lifestyle. 00:33:13.846 --> 00:33:14.221 OK, this is not the toughest competition in the world, right? This is like 00:33:14.221 --> 00:33:25.900 beating Mini-Me and Lance Bass. [audience laughing] 00:33:25.900 --> 00:33:28.196 OK, so Pierce gets the nomination, but still, nationally, 00:33:28.196 --> 00:33:30.324 he’s not very well known. 00:33:30.324 --> 00:33:32.642 So, he’s gotta get out the word, and how d’ya get out the word? 00:33:32.642 --> 00:33:36.568 The same way you do now. You gotta use the media. 00:33:36.568 --> 00:33:39.635 But, what is media back then in 1852? There’s no radio, 00:33:39.635 --> 00:33:44.227 there’s no TV, there’s no webcast, there’s no podcast, there’s no outcast. 00:33:44.227 --> 00:33:47.158 [audience laughing] No, what you have is books. 00:33:47.158 --> 00:33:49.507 Books are everything. So, he puts out a book, 00:33:49.507 --> 00:33:51.825 but the question is, OK, it’s one thing to put out a book. 00:33:51.825 --> 00:33:54.503 It’s another thing to get people to read it. 00:33:54.503 --> 00:33:56.446 It all comes down to who’s telling… 00:33:56.446 --> 00:33:57.926 (audience) the story. 00:33:57.926 --> 00:34:01.158 And who’s telling Pierce’s story? None other than his old college 00:34:01.158 --> 00:34:06.086 drinking buddy by the name of Nathaniel Hawthorne. 00:34:06.086 --> 00:34:08.986 That’s his college buddy. 00:34:08.986 --> 00:34:11.863 Only the biggest pop culture figure of his time, right? 00:34:11.863 --> 00:34:14.214 He has just written back-to-back best sellers. 00:34:14.214 --> 00:34:17.798 First, The Scarlet Letter, a love triangle about adultery— 00:34:17.798 --> 00:34:26.425 it’s sort of the original Grey’s Anatomy. [audience laughing] 00:34:26.425 --> 00:34:30.670 Then he follows that with The House of the Seven Gables. 00:34:30.670 --> 00:34:33.165 That’s the original, romantic, haunted house story. 00:34:33.165 --> 00:34:38.839 It’s sort of a cross between The Notebook and Saw. 00:34:38.839 --> 00:34:41.356 [buzzing saw, audience laughs] So, Hawthorne’s now two for two. 00:34:41.356 --> 00:34:46.461 He’s like J.T. Follow Me and Cry Me a River sexy bath. 00:34:46.461 --> 00:34:48.600 [audience laughing] Everybody wants to know 00:34:48.600 --> 00:34:49.444 what’s Hawthorne going to write next. 00:34:49.444 --> 00:34:50.942 What story is Hawthorne going to tell next? 00:34:50.942 --> 00:34:52.203 And, what story is he going to tell next? 00:34:52.203 --> 00:34:58.613 Well, he’s going to tell the story of his good buddy, Franklin Pierce. 00:34:58.613 --> 00:35:01.522 Now, think about this... Hawthorne putting his brand 00:35:01.522 --> 00:35:04.851 on somebody’s biography would be like Tom Clancy 00:35:04.851 --> 00:35:10.215 writing “The Hunt” for Mitt Romney. [audience laughing] 00:35:10.215 --> 00:35:12.977 Or, J.K. Rowling writing Dennis Kucinich 00:35:12.977 --> 00:35:19.584 and A Cold Day in Hell. [audience laughing] 00:35:19.584 --> 00:35:22.592 But, the fact is, millions of people would read those books. 00:35:22.592 --> 00:35:27.061 And millions of people read Hawthorne’s, “The Life of Franklin Pierce.” 00:35:27.061 --> 00:35:33.158 And this is what we would call today, based on a true story. 00:35:33.158 --> 00:35:38.153 Now, when we hear the term, based on a true story today, 00:35:38.153 --> 00:35:39.433 we generally don’t think about books, do we? 00:35:39.433 --> 00:35:40.448 We usually think about it in movies. 00:35:40.448 --> 00:35:42.099 For example, this movie, A Beautiful Mind. 00:35:42.099 --> 00:35:44.996 It told the inspiring story of mathematician, John Nash, 00:35:44.996 --> 00:35:48.469 who went from schizophrenia, to the Nobel Prize, 00:35:48.469 --> 00:35:52.469 into the arms of a woman he loved. The end. 00:35:52.469 --> 00:35:55.802 Now, the filmmakers did leave out a few details of Nash’s life. 00:35:55.802 --> 00:35:58.183 They left out the fact that John Nash fathered a child 00:35:58.183 --> 00:36:00.915 out of wedlock and was a deadbeat dad. 00:36:00.915 --> 00:36:03.863 They left out the fact that John Nash, when delusional, 00:36:03.863 --> 00:36:07.153 went on anti semitic rants that would have make Mel Gibson go, 00:36:07.153 --> 00:36:15.381 “Holy Fuck!” [audience laughing] 00:36:15.381 --> 00:36:20.787 And they left out the fact that previously, John Nash had unusual interests in men, 00:36:20.787 --> 00:36:28.100 away from the arms of the woman he loved. [audience laughing] 00:36:28.100 --> 00:36:31.078 Leaving out these details changes the story a little bit, doesn’t it? 00:36:31.078 --> 00:36:33.657 I mean, to me, this would be like making OJ. 00:36:33.657 --> 00:36:35.535 He went from junior college to the Heisman trophy 00:36:35.535 --> 00:36:39.036 into the arms of the woman he loved. The end! 00:36:39.036 --> 00:36:41.677 [audience laughing] Coming soon— 00:36:41.677 --> 00:36:53.693 Simpson, based on a true story. [audience laughing] 00:36:53.693 --> 00:36:56.806 You know Oscar Wilde once said, “Anybody can make history, 00:36:56.806 --> 00:36:58.652 but it takes a great man to write it.” 00:36:58.652 --> 00:37:03.342 And, Hawthorne’s a pretty great writer, neglecting the fact that Franklin Pierce 00:37:03.342 --> 00:37:09.278 is a pro-slavery, raging alcoholic, he paints him as America’s savior, 00:37:09.278 --> 00:37:11.136 a cross between Mother Teresa and James Bond. 00:37:11.136 --> 00:37:16.615 [audience softly laughs] In August, Hawthorne’s book 00:37:16.615 --> 00:37:18.023 comes out—in August. 00:37:18.023 --> 00:37:20.974 And, because of this book, by November, this little known 00:37:20.974 --> 00:37:25.620 dark horse candidate carries 27 out of the 31 states in the country 00:37:25.620 --> 00:37:28.206 and becomes our 14th President of the United States, 00:37:28.206 --> 00:37:33.063 based on a true story. 00:37:33.063 --> 00:37:36.078 And you know what happens? Pierce really sucks. 00:37:36.078 --> 00:37:37.379 [audience softly laughs] 00:37:37.379 --> 00:37:42.276 As Shakespeare wrote, “He doth REALLY SUCK!” 00:37:42.276 --> 00:37:45.406 How bad was Franklin Pierce? Because of his pro-slavery actions, 00:37:45.406 --> 00:37:47.630 he did more than any other single individual 00:37:47.630 --> 00:37:49.878 to hasten the outbreak of the Civil War. 00:37:49.878 --> 00:37:53.370 How bad was Franklin Pierce? To this day, he remains the ONLY 00:37:53.370 --> 00:37:58.398 incumbent president in our history not to get his OWN party’s nomination 00:37:58.398 --> 00:38:01.723 for a second term. [audience softly laughs] 00:38:01.723 --> 00:38:04.531 How does he respond? Pierce later gets drunk, gets on a horse, 00:38:04.531 --> 00:38:08.311 and drives over a woman becoming the first president with a DUI. 00:38:08.311 --> 00:38:12.678 [horse neighing] [female student in audience screams] 00:38:12.678 --> 00:38:15.644 But, you know the funny thing? We got through it. 00:38:15.644 --> 00:38:20.376 See, that’s the thing about Americans. We’re tough. We’re resilient. 00:38:20.376 --> 00:38:22.503 We’ll get through it. 00:38:22.503 --> 00:38:26.738 Which brings me to my next point, we’ll get through it. 00:38:26.738 --> 00:38:35.827 [audience laughing and applauding] 00:38:35.827 --> 00:38:38.093 I’m an optimist. I really am. I’m a positive person. 00:38:38.093 --> 00:38:43.070 I always look at the bong as half full. [audience laughing] 00:38:43.070 --> 00:38:46.204 And, by the way, I have no political agenda. 00:38:46.204 --> 00:38:50.579 My dad was a republican, my mom was a democrat, 00:38:50.579 --> 00:38:52.682 so I respect both points of view. 00:38:52.682 --> 00:38:55.048 Now that said, my wife, Ms. Lefty Pinko Capelli herself 00:38:55.048 --> 00:38:58.771 looks at Old W here and says, “George W. Bush is the worst 00:38:58.771 --> 00:39:01.479 president in the history of the United States!” 00:39:01.479 --> 00:39:06.592 And, I go, “The worst? Holy hyperbole Batman.” 00:39:06.592 --> 00:39:08.249 [audience chuckling] You know, we’ve had some 00:39:08.249 --> 00:39:10.473 really lousy leaders in this country. 00:39:10.473 --> 00:39:13.941 In fact, I’m going to assume the position that lousy leaders ARE 00:39:13.941 --> 00:39:21.973 as American as apple pie. [audience cheers and applauses] 00:39:21.973 --> 00:39:26.292 Starting with Aaron Burr. Aaron Burr. Aaron Burr. 00:39:26.292 --> 00:39:27.704 We all know Aaron Burr from the Got Milk commercial, 00:39:27.704 --> 00:39:31.016 you know. Aaron Burr… 00:39:31.016 --> 00:39:33.858 [saying Aaron Burr but with a slur, audience laughs] 00:39:33.858 --> 00:39:35.751 This is our 3rd presidential election. 00:39:35.751 --> 00:39:39.344 Aaron Burr actually tied Thomas Jefferson in electoral college 00:39:39.344 --> 00:39:42.440 and only became vice-president, because his old nemesis, 00:39:42.440 --> 00:39:47.430 Alexander Hamilton, used his influence to elect Jefferson. 00:39:47.430 --> 00:39:52.977 Uh, Burr, a less than gracious loser, responds by shooting Alexander Hamilton 00:39:52.977 --> 00:39:57.902 [single gunshot] thereby becoming our first vice-president 00:39:57.902 --> 00:40:01.939 to shoot somebody. [single gunshot] 00:40:01.939 --> 00:40:06.555 [audience laughing] He is later arraigned for treason, 00:40:06.555 --> 00:40:10.751 not once, not twice, not three times— how many times, Aaron? 00:40:10.751 --> 00:40:15.207 [ding from cash register] Four times! Four times! 00:40:15.207 --> 00:40:18.685 Talk about a lousy leader. But, you know what? 00:40:18.685 --> 00:40:21.227 We got through it, because lousy leaders are… 00:40:21.227 --> 00:40:24.499 (audience) as American as apple pie. 00:40:24.499 --> 00:40:28.100 Oh, let’s keep going. [audience laughing] 00:40:28.100 --> 00:40:29.867 William Henry Harrison, hero of the Mexican War. 00:40:29.867 --> 00:40:34.108 On his inauguration day, March 4th, 1841. It’s raining, 00:40:34.108 --> 00:40:37.430 it’s freezing, it’s windy, [wind blowing] but Mr. macho war hero 00:40:37.430 --> 00:40:40.010 doesn’t want anybody to think he’s a pussy. 00:40:40.010 --> 00:40:41.937 [audience chuckling] So, he stands and gives 00:40:41.937 --> 00:40:46.061 his inauguration address without a hat, without a coat, without his gloves. 00:40:46.061 --> 00:40:48.149 Well, didn’t your mother tell ya, if ya didn’t cover up, 00:40:48.149 --> 00:40:51.426 you’d catch pneumonia? Well, guess what? He catches… 00:40:51.426 --> 00:40:53.546 (Audience) pneumonia. 00:40:53.546 --> 00:40:57.738 March 4th, he’s making history; April 4th, he is history. 00:40:57.738 --> 00:41:01.727 [audience chuckling] One month…one MONTH! 00:41:01.727 --> 00:41:06.176 His administration lasted less than Lindsay Lohan’s last rehab. 00:41:06.176 --> 00:41:11.124 [audience laughing] Now, you gotta remember 00:41:11.124 --> 00:41:13.309 this was the first time a president had ever died in office. 00:41:13.309 --> 00:41:16.925 But, fortunately, we had John Tyler of Virginia. 00:41:16.925 --> 00:41:19.472 How committed to the United States was this guy? 00:41:19.472 --> 00:41:23.385 When he’s not reelected, this mother fucker switches sides! 00:41:23.385 --> 00:41:30.798 [audience laughing] 00:41:30.798 --> 00:41:32.398 Then, there was Millard Fillmore. 00:41:32.398 --> 00:41:37.046 He put the “I” in anti-immigration. He not only wanted to keep anymore 00:41:37.046 --> 00:41:40.293 Irish Catholics from entering the country, he wants to kick out the ones 00:41:40.293 --> 00:41:46.623 that are already here. [kicing ball] 00:41:46.623 --> 00:41:47.705 [audience laughing] 00:41:47.705 --> 00:41:49.135 Then there was Warren G. Harding. How bad was this guy? 00:41:49.135 --> 00:41:53.934 He once actually lost the White House china in a poker game. 00:41:53.934 --> 00:42:00.666 [audience laughing] [cash register] Which brings me to Calvin Coolidge, 00:42:00.666 --> 00:42:04.968 who on a summer vacation, 1927, goes fishing in South Dakota, 00:42:04.968 --> 00:42:07.470 and catches so many fish in South Dakota 00:42:07.470 --> 00:42:14.061 that he decides to stay for 3 months! Three months the President stays away. 00:42:14.061 --> 00:42:17.466 Washington’s at a standstill. Cal’s catchin’ fish. 00:42:17.466 --> 00:42:21.054 [audience laughing] Now, just prior to this, 00:42:21.054 --> 00:42:23.951 America has suffered its greatest natural disaster. 00:42:23.951 --> 00:42:29.391 The Mississippi River overflows flooding 6 states. Cal’s catchin’ fish. 00:42:29.391 --> 00:42:32.978 I mean, can you imagine the president being that insensitive 00:42:32.978 --> 00:42:41.751 during a natural disaster? Inconceivable! [audience laughs loudly] 00:42:41.751 --> 00:42:43.970 But the real story isn’t just that Cal’s catching fish, 00:42:43.970 --> 00:42:46.581 it’s why he’s catching so many fish. 00:42:46.581 --> 00:42:50.475 Because, unbeknownst to Cal, South Dakota’s state officials 00:42:50.475 --> 00:42:54.428 have chicken-wired the lake, and every night are restocking thousands of fish. 00:42:54.428 --> 00:43:03.833 Why? Because they need Cal to fall in love with South Dakota. 00:43:03.833 --> 00:43:08.366 Why? Because, they need to generate income in South Dakota. 00:43:08.366 --> 00:43:13.164 Why? Because South Dakota is in the middle of east bum fuck America! 00:43:13.164 --> 00:43:14.865 [audience laughing] 00:43:14.865 --> 00:43:18.504 There’s only 8 people living there per square mile! 00:43:18.504 --> 00:43:19.450 [audience laughing] 00:43:19.450 --> 00:43:23.207 That’s only 8 more people living there than there are on Mars! 00:43:23.207 --> 00:43:30.296 They need tourism dollars, and they need Cal’s help to finance 00:43:30.296 --> 00:43:34.612 their new tourist attraction. And, what is their new tourist attraction? 00:43:34.612 --> 00:43:39.825 That mountain. They needed tourism dollars so they create Mt… 00:43:39.825 --> 00:43:41.726 (audience) Rushmore. 00:43:41.726 --> 00:43:45.353 Mt. Rushmore was totally created as a tourist trap. 00:43:45.353 --> 00:43:48.064 And, you know what? It works. 00:43:48.064 --> 00:43:50.950 It works completely just weeks before the attack on Pearl Harbor. 00:43:50.950 --> 00:43:53.933 Mt. Rushmore becomes an instant national shrine 00:43:53.933 --> 00:43:56.928 and a quintessential American image. But tell the truth. 00:43:56.928 --> 00:44:00.307 Doesn’t it look like the poster for The Departed? 00:44:00.307 --> 00:44:06.793 [gunshots, audience laughing] Now, my point is, 00:44:06.793 --> 00:44:09.478 although Calvin Coolidge may have been hoodwinked 00:44:09.478 --> 00:44:13.725 into paying for Mt. Rushmore, without his help, it never gets made— 00:44:13.725 --> 00:44:17.996 which only goes to prove that no matter how lousy a leader one may be, 00:44:17.996 --> 00:44:21.483 you gotta give props where props are due. 00:44:21.483 --> 00:44:24.331 So, regardless of what you think of W’s legacy, 00:44:24.331 --> 00:44:28.726 you gotta give him the following— first, he can throw strikes. 00:44:28.726 --> 00:44:33.710 [audience laughing] He is the best ever 00:44:33.710 --> 00:44:38.521 at throwing out the first pitch. [audience chuckling] 00:44:38.521 --> 00:44:40.281 And, secondly, he is his mother’s son. And, by that by the way, 00:44:40.281 --> 00:44:42.185 I mean no disrespect whatsoever to Barbara Bush. 00:44:42.185 --> 00:44:43.836 In fact, I’ll have ya know, back in the day 00:44:43.836 --> 00:44:48.999 Barbara Bush is a little bit of a hottie. No, I say he is his mother’s son, 00:44:48.999 --> 00:44:51.945 because before she was Barbara Bush, she was born Barbara Pierce. 00:44:51.945 --> 00:44:54.519 And, she is a direct descendent of none other than 00:44:54.519 --> 00:44:59.151 old fuck up himself, Franklin Pierce, which brings us full circle and explains 00:44:59.151 --> 00:45:02.301 how things got to where we are today. And, you know what? 00:45:02.301 --> 00:45:17.822 We’ll get through it, AGAIN. [audience laughing] 00:45:17.822 --> 00:45:19.085 Why? Because lousy leaders are… 00:45:19.085 --> 00:45:21.813 (audience joined by Wuhl) as American as apple pie. 00:45:21.813 --> 00:45:27.667 You betcha! 00:45:27.667 --> 00:45:29.408 [upbeat music] 00:45:29.408 --> 00:45:31.225 (Male 1) Now, there’s apparently room for one more 00:45:31.225 --> 00:45:33.092 face on Mt. Rushmore, and it seems to me it’s pretty obvious who it is. 00:45:33.092 --> 00:45:35.209 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 00:45:35.209 --> 00:45:36.108 Martin Luther King 00:45:36.108 --> 00:45:37.269 Meryl Streep 00:45:37.269 --> 00:45:38.612 Is Roosevelt on there already? 00:45:38.612 --> 00:45:39.894 Uh…it’s Franklin Roosevelt 00:45:39.894 --> 00:45:41.406 Franklin D. Roosevelt 00:45:41.406 --> 00:45:43.541 Is he already on? No? Maybe Roosevelt. 00:45:43.541 --> 00:45:45.693 And perhaps… 00:45:48.942 --> 00:45:49.435 Francis Coppola? 00:45:49.435 --> 00:45:50.522 Tony Morrison 00:45:50.522 --> 00:45:51.098 Ronald Reagan 00:45:51.098 --> 00:45:51.721 If there was a Canadian Mt. Rushmore, 00:45:51.721 --> 00:45:53.789 it would be all people who are on SETV. 00:45:53.789 --> 00:45:55.170 Cough, cough, sorry… 00:45:55.170 --> 00:45:57.069 (Sarah Vowell, Author) No, I can’t even get through 00:45:57.069 --> 00:45:59.558 that with a straight face? [Sarah laughs] 00:45:59.558 --> 00:46:04.485 [handwriting] I Shit You Not 00:46:04.485 --> 00:46:09.975 (Wuhl) I call this next segment… I Shit You Not 00:46:09.975 --> 00:46:10.695 [audience chuckling] 00:46:10.695 --> 00:46:11.817 A little history story, little fun facts— here we go. 00:46:11.817 --> 00:46:13.184 One wonders if Ramses is really the proper name for a condom, 00:46:13.184 --> 00:46:15.069 when you consider it’s named after the great pharaoh, Ramses, 00:46:15.069 --> 00:46:19.392 who fathered over 110 kids during his life. I shit you not. 00:46:19.392 --> 00:46:22.061 [audience laughing] 00:46:22.061 --> 00:46:26.543 In the dining room of the Titanic, they actually served iceberg lettuce. 00:46:26.543 --> 00:46:30.280 [audience laughing] I shit you not. 00:46:30.280 --> 00:46:34.740 On April 9th, Playboy magazine founder and sexual liberator, 00:46:34.740 --> 00:46:38.492 Hugh Hefner, turned 81. He was then given a birthday party 00:46:38.492 --> 00:46:43.869 by the three women who love him— whose combined age is 81! 00:46:43.869 --> 00:46:50.241 [audience laughing] I shit you not! 00:46:50.241 --> 00:46:51.898 The croissant was introduced into what country? 00:46:51.898 --> 00:46:53.429 (Male in Audience) France 00:46:53.429 --> 00:46:55.305 (Wuhl) Correct! Austria! 00:46:55.305 --> 00:46:58.188 [audience laughing] 00:46:58.188 --> 00:47:00.218 To celebrate their victory over the Battle of Vienna, 00:47:00.218 --> 00:47:03.532 Austrian bakers decided to create a pastry in the shape of the crescent 00:47:03.532 --> 00:47:05.471 on the Ottoman flag. Crescent… croissant…crescent…croissant… 00:47:05.471 --> 00:47:14.751 and, in fact, the croissant does not arrive in France until 00:47:14.751 --> 00:47:16.285 a hundred years later when it’s brought over 00:47:16.285 --> 00:47:21.784 by a 16-year old Austrian princess by the name of Kirsten Dunst. 00:47:21.784 --> 00:47:29.194 [audience laughing] In 1990, Pfizer Labs is experimenting 00:47:29.194 --> 00:47:31.493 with sildenaphil, which is a drug to treat heart patients. 00:47:31.493 --> 00:47:35.467 Well, after doing a lot of testing, nobody’s blood pressure goes down, 00:47:35.467 --> 00:47:39.208 but everybody’s dick goes up. [audience laughing] 00:47:39.208 --> 00:47:44.548 Well, so long sildenaphil, hello Viagra! [audience laughing] 00:47:44.548 --> 00:47:47.281 And, speaking on behalf of all the middle-aged men 00:47:47.281 --> 00:47:50.305 who’d been married to the same woman for 24 years, 00:47:50.305 --> 00:47:55.385 this is one of the great moments in American history. I shit you not! 00:47:55.385 --> 00:48:01.109 [audience laughing] Now, I’m sure many of you 00:48:01.109 --> 00:48:05.111 dismissed Ms. Spears as some exhibitionist, 00:48:05.111 --> 00:48:12.405 club-hopping bimbo. But, not me! No, I got Britney’s back. 00:48:12.405 --> 00:48:13.829 [audience chuckling] 00:48:13.829 --> 00:48:17.347 Because, as my father used to say, judge slowly. 00:48:17.347 --> 00:48:22.084 Behind me, this is the first nude scene in motion picture history. 00:48:22.084 --> 00:48:27.533 In the 1933 Czech film, Ecstasy, 20-year old Hedy Lamarr shocks the world 00:48:27.533 --> 00:48:32.271 by becoming the first woman to bare her breasts on camera, 00:48:32.271 --> 00:48:39.730 thus becoming the original Girl Gone Wild! [audience laughing] 00:48:39.730 --> 00:48:44.757 Her outrageous behavior makes her an international film star 00:48:44.757 --> 00:48:49.039 and a pop-culture icon who once said, “Any woman can become glamorous. 00:48:49.039 --> 00:48:52.480 All she has to do is stand still, and look stupid.” 00:48:52.480 --> 00:48:57.830 [audience chuckling] Ahhhhh…but early in 1941, 00:48:57.830 --> 00:48:59.993 shortly after WWII begins, Hedy is out partying. 00:48:59.993 --> 00:49:07.204 Concerned about the Nazi’s jamming allied radio signals, 00:49:07.204 --> 00:49:11.483 Hedy takes out a cocktail napkin, and on the back of it, draws up a plan 00:49:11.483 --> 00:49:15.833 that will become known as frequency hopping. 00:49:15.833 --> 00:49:19.029 This is a way to make jamming radio signals impossible. 00:49:19.029 --> 00:49:21.282 I mean, look at it. This is Hedy’s actual patent 00:49:21.282 --> 00:49:22.433 for frequency hopping. 00:49:22.433 --> 00:49:24.325 And, this isn’t a handbag or cosmetics line she’s putting 00:49:24.325 --> 00:49:25.838 her name on, right? 00:49:25.838 --> 00:49:27.511 This is impressive stuff. 00:49:27.511 --> 00:49:31.091 So, who many thought was an exhibitionist, club-hopping, 00:49:31.091 --> 00:49:35.421 bimbo of her time invents a revolutionary defense system that has been used 00:49:35.421 --> 00:49:37.626 in everything from the Cuban Missile Crisis, 00:49:37.626 --> 00:49:41.230 to wi-fi, to cell phones. 00:49:41.230 --> 00:49:45.311 Well, stand still and look stupid—my ass! [audience chuckling] 00:49:45.311 --> 00:49:50.551 Which brings me back to my girl, Britney. [audience chuckling] 00:49:50.551 --> 00:49:54.602 And, once again, I say judge slowly, because in the future, 00:49:54.602 --> 00:49:58.379 we may very well learn that Britney went into that car 00:49:58.379 --> 00:50:03.212 with underwear on! [audience laughing] 00:50:03.212 --> 00:50:08.842 And the reason they came off may someday change history. 00:50:08.842 --> 00:50:14.396 [audience laughing] I shit you not. 00:50:14.396 --> 00:50:26.470 [audience laughs and applauses] [handwriting] Fiction and Facts from Wuhl's Almanac 00:50:26.470 --> 00:50:27.666 In the first half of the 20th century, 00:50:27.666 --> 00:50:30.725 the most popular woman in America was First Lady, Eleanor Roosevelt. 00:50:30.725 --> 00:50:33.331 However you may be surprised— the second most popular woman 00:50:33.331 --> 00:50:35.400 in America was this woman right here. 00:50:35.400 --> 00:50:38.531 Anybody know who she is? (random voices) 00:50:38.531 --> 00:50:41.166 That is Betty Crocker. 00:50:41.166 --> 00:50:42.708 (random voices) Oh, yeah. 00:50:42.708 --> 00:50:48.787 The spokeswoman for Gold Medal Flour and Bisquick, she was THE media superstar 00:50:48.787 --> 00:50:50.287 of the first half of the 20th century. 00:50:50.287 --> 00:50:53.761 How big was Betty Crocker? In the country—one-third the population 00:50:53.761 --> 00:50:59.087 that it is now, her weekly radio shows drew the same sized audience 00:50:59.087 --> 00:51:05.631 as American Idol. [synthesizer music] [audience laughing] 00:51:05.631 --> 00:51:08.936 Betty Crocker got 4,000 letters a day. A day--I get 10 emails—I’m wiggin’ out. 00:51:08.936 --> 00:51:11.377 [audience laughing] 00:51:11.377 --> 00:51:14.468 She was the woman that American women turned to and trusted. 00:51:14.468 --> 00:51:22.665 But then, in 1945, in a shocking expose, Betty Crocker is outed. 00:51:22.665 --> 00:51:26.301 Fortune magazine reveals that no, she’s not gay. 00:51:26.301 --> 00:51:28.257 [audience chuckling] She’s not straight. 00:51:28.257 --> 00:51:33.256 They reveal Betty Crocker is not REAL. 00:51:33.256 --> 00:51:36.580 America is shocked to find out that Betty Crocker is a fictional character 00:51:36.580 --> 00:51:41.671 created by General Mills, who by the way, is not a real general. 00:51:41.671 --> 00:51:44.818 [audience laughing] People were crushed. 00:51:44.818 --> 00:51:49.993 I mean this would be like finding out that Oprah is CGI. 00:51:49.993 --> 00:51:56.025 [audience laughing] So I got to thinkin’ who else? 00:51:56.025 --> 00:51:58.690 Who else besides Betty have we mislaid our trust to? 00:51:58.690 --> 00:52:01.236 Who else have we given our hearts and our stomachs to? 00:52:01.236 --> 00:52:17.967 So with the public’s interest in mind, it is time to play Real or No Real. 00:52:17.967 --> 00:52:19.562 [upbeat music] 00:52:19.562 --> 00:52:21.219 Hi Ladies! 00:52:21.219 --> 00:52:22.438 (Ladies) Hi Mr. Wuhl! 00:52:22.438 --> 00:52:23.537 Are you ready to play Real or No Real? 00:52:23.537 --> 00:52:25.121 (Ladies) Hell, yeah! 00:52:25.121 --> 00:52:27.301 Are you ready to play Real or No Real? 00:52:27.301 --> 00:52:29.562 (Audience) Hell, yeah! 00:52:29.562 --> 00:52:31.391 [audience laughing] 00:52:31.391 --> 00:52:36.384 Well then let’s play Real or No Real starting with Chef Boyardee. 00:52:36.384 --> 00:52:40.597 We all know Chef Boyardee, but was he Real or No Real? 00:52:40.597 --> 00:52:46.593 (Several in Audience) Real. 00:52:46.593 --> 00:52:48.450 Chef Boyardee was… 00:52:48.450 --> 00:52:50.524 (Female 1) Real! 00:52:50.524 --> 00:52:54.611 [audience cheering and applauding] 00:52:54.611 --> 00:53:00.775 In 1926, Hector Boiardi opens Giardino d’Italia, 00:53:00.775 --> 00:53:02.531 a restaurant in Cleveland, Ohio. 00:53:02.531 --> 00:53:05.569 There, his spaghetti sauce became so popular, he decides 00:53:05.569 --> 00:53:09.256 to market it nationally, spelling his name phonetically… 00:53:09.256 --> 00:53:10.806 [audience chuckling] 00:53:10.806 --> 00:53:14.860 and thereby introduces much of America to authentic, Italian cuisine. 00:53:14.860 --> 00:53:17.623 Although, my Italian mother-in-law wants to know what part of Italy 00:53:17.623 --> 00:53:21.827 did beefaroni come from? [audience laughing] 00:53:21.827 --> 00:53:24.939 Next, little Debbie, we all know little Debbie, 00:53:24.939 --> 00:53:33.481 but was she real or no real? [audience hollering out mixed answers] 00:53:33.481 --> 00:53:34.540 Little Debbie was… 00:53:34.540 --> 00:53:36.142 (Female 2) Real! 00:53:36.142 --> 00:53:38.473 [audience cheering and applauding] 00:53:38.473 --> 00:53:42.796 In 1960, O.D. McKee is looking for a logo for his new snack cake, 00:53:42.796 --> 00:53:45.822 and he decides to use a picture of his little granddaughter, Debbie; 00:53:45.822 --> 00:53:51.260 however, O.D. does so without telling little Debbie’s parents. 00:53:51.260 --> 00:53:55.173 In fact, Debbie’s parents don’t find out about this until the product 00:53:55.173 --> 00:53:56.589 is almost on the shelves! 00:53:56.589 --> 00:54:00.466 So, needless to say, little Debbie’s parents are POed O.D. 00:54:00.466 --> 00:54:03.747 for exploiting their daughter, at least until Little Debbie 00:54:03.747 --> 00:54:08.764 starts making big bucks. [audience laughing] 00:54:08.764 --> 00:54:13.100 Next, Jose Cuervo. We all know Jose Cuervo. 00:54:13.100 --> 00:54:17.258 Sometimes, we wake up, and we wish we didn’t know Jose Cuervo. 00:54:17.258 --> 00:54:20.694 [audience laughing] But, was he real or no real? 00:54:20.694 --> 00:54:25.147 [audience shouting varying answers] 00:54:25.147 --> 00:54:26.794 Jose Cuervo was… 00:54:26.794 --> 00:54:28.588 (Female 3) Real! 00:54:28.588 --> 00:54:33.107 [female] Yes! [audience cheering and applauding] 00:54:33.107 --> 00:54:36.642 In 1756, Jose Cuervo gets a license to produce mezcal wine, 00:54:36.642 --> 00:54:43.084 and opens the first Mexican distillery in the village of.. 00:54:43.084 --> 00:54:44.774 (Audience) tequila! 00:54:44.774 --> 00:54:46.635 [audience laughing] Take a shot, babe. 00:54:46.635 --> 00:54:51.327 [gulping noise] [audience laughing] Next, Aunt Jemima! 00:54:51.327 --> 00:54:55.678 We all know Aunt Jemima, but was she real or no real? 00:54:55.678 --> 00:55:01.735 [audience shouts out differing answers] Aunt Jemima was… 00:55:01.735 --> 00:55:03.486 (Female 4) No real! 00:55:03.486 --> 00:55:05.377 (audience) Ohhhhh. 00:55:05.377 --> 00:55:10.789 Aunt Jemima is not real; however, Nancy Green was. 00:55:10.789 --> 00:55:16.013 In 1893, the Chicago World Fair opens. Millions of people came 00:55:16.013 --> 00:55:17.519 from around the world to visit America and to see 00:55:17.519 --> 00:55:18.885 their new technology and products. 00:55:18.885 --> 00:55:23.079 Electricity is first introduced at the Chicago World’s Fair. 00:55:23.079 --> 00:55:25.431 Ferris introduces his wheel at the Chicago World’s Fair. 00:55:25.431 --> 00:55:29.124 But the biggest hit may have been Nancy Green, 00:55:29.124 --> 00:55:35.286 a former slave who becomes our nation’s first African-American 00:55:35.286 --> 00:55:36.796 spokeswoman when she introduces a new pancake mix based 00:55:36.796 --> 00:55:41.149 on of all things, a hit pop song of its time. 00:55:41.149 --> 00:55:43.501 Singing songs, giving cooking demonstrations, 00:55:43.501 --> 00:55:46.322 and telling stories, Nancy Green became such a sensation 00:55:46.322 --> 00:55:51.207 that Aunt Jemima executives make her their spokeswoman for life! 00:55:51.207 --> 00:55:53.945 And, for the next 30 years, she tours across America 00:55:53.945 --> 00:55:57.449 as a pancake rockstar! 00:55:57.449 --> 00:55:58.702 [audience laughing] 00:55:58.702 --> 00:56:01.403 Until sadly, she’s run over by a car in 1923. 00:56:01.403 --> 00:56:05.634 No truth however to the rumor it’s driven by Mrs. Butterworth. 00:56:05.634 --> 00:56:09.015 [screeching car, audience laughing] 00:56:09.015 --> 00:56:12.234 So, in summation, there was a Baskin and a Robbins, 00:56:12.234 --> 00:56:15.849 a Ben and a Jerry, but no Haagen, No Dazs… 00:56:15.849 --> 00:56:18.046 (All Deal or No Deal Females) No queen of the dairy. 00:56:18.046 --> 00:56:20.644 [slurping, [audience laughing] 00:56:20.644 --> 00:56:24.173 Dr. Scholl made us walk, Jack Daniel made us crawl, 00:56:24.173 --> 00:56:26.055 there is a Paul Newman… 00:56:26.055 --> 00:56:27.985 (Deal or No Deal Females) and there was a Mrs. Paul. 00:56:27.985 --> 00:56:31.351 [ripping paper, audience laughing, Real or No Real Females clapping as Wuhl chants] 00:56:31.351 --> 00:56:33.574 There was a Pontiac, a Cadillac, a Buick and an Olds. 00:56:33.574 --> 00:56:35.229 A Dodge and a Chevrolet, a… 00:56:35.229 --> 00:56:36.801 (Deal or No Deal Females and Wuhl) Royce never Rolls. 00:56:36.801 --> 00:56:38.388 There was a Dr. Pepper… 00:56:38.388 --> 00:56:40.259 (Deal or No Deal Females and Wuhl) there ain’t no Mr. Pibb. 00:56:40.259 --> 00:56:43.201 But, Pepperidge Farm and Maxwell House were once somebody’s crib. 00:56:43.201 --> 00:56:46.257 I’m only going to do one more, and then I’ll say goodbye, 00:56:46.257 --> 00:56:48.657 and that’s Marie Calendar, who made the… 00:56:48.657 --> 00:56:50.363 (Deal or No Deal Females and Wuhl) mother fuckin’ pie! 00:56:50.363 --> 00:56:57.738 [audience laughing and applauding] I wanna thank everybody 00:56:57.738 --> 00:57:00.852 for attending today—I appreciate it! Class dismissed! 00:57:00.852 --> 00:57:06.988 [school bell ringing, audience cheering and applauding] 00:57:06.988 --> 00:57:09.613 Thank you! Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you! 00:57:09.613 --> 00:57:25.164 (Jeff Greenfield) OK. Whaddaya wanna know? 00:57:25.164 --> 00:57:26.670 (Patricia Williams) My favorite invention? 00:57:26.670 --> 00:57:27.300 (Vowell) Well, my public answer would be the, uh, printing press. 00:57:27.300 --> 00:57:30.339 (Patricia Williams) It’s the computer. I just cannot believe 00:57:30.339 --> 00:57:32.229 that I was lucky enough to be born in the age of computers. 00:57:32.229 --> 00:57:34.567 (Vowell) My private answer would be caller ID. 00:57:34.567 --> 00:57:36.332 (Seth Rogen) Satellite television. 00:57:36.332 --> 00:57:37.732 (Jeff Greenfield) Video on demand. 00:57:37.732 --> 00:57:38.988 (Louis C.K.) Yeah, I have to take this. 00:57:38.988 --> 00:57:40.636 (Seth Rogen) I did enjoy history class 00:57:40.636 --> 00:57:42.211 very much growing up. (Louis C.K.) 00:57:42.211 --> 00:57:44.069 I loved it. I flunked it, but I loved it. 00:57:44.069 --> 00:57:46.516 (Patricia Williams) I guess history is a great battlefield, 00:57:46.516 --> 00:57:49.391 and that’s simply in the sense of warriors. 00:57:49.391 --> 00:57:50.734 (Manning Marable) It boils down to this. 00:57:50.734 --> 00:57:51.981 Who’s telling the story? Whose story is it? 00:57:51.981 --> 00:57:53.016 (Jeff Greenfield) The more you learn about these people, 00:57:53.016 --> 00:57:55.189 the more you learn about ambiguity. 00:57:55.189 --> 00:57:57.756 (Manning Marable) Historical memory is always selective. 00:57:57.756 --> 00:57:59.345 (Jeff Greenfield) If there were one test 00:57:59.345 --> 00:58:01.804 I could give to a president, a potential president, 00:58:01.804 --> 00:58:08.780 it would be how much history does he or she know. 00:58:08.780 --> 99:59:59.999 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999