[scratching]
[hummm]
[school bell ] r-r-r-r-i-n-g-g-g!
[percussion music]
(Robert Wuhl) I want to welcome everyone
to “Assume the Position”.
I like that title.
[audience laughing]
And, this is going to be a different way to look at history.
Tolstoy said, "History is a wonderful thing,
if only it were true."
[audience laughing]
And that’s what the course is.
It’s the stories that made up America, and the stories that America made up.
[History is Pop Culture]
I’m going to assume the position, right off the bat,
that history is pop culture.
Now, when I say pop culture, what comes to your mind?
Who…who comes to your mind? Anybody in particular?
(Male Student #1) Brittney Spears.
Brittney Spears! Never fails! Never, never fails! Anybody else?
(Male Student #2) Paris Hilton.
Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, you think back…
I think...Christopher Columbus. [audience laughing]
Behind me are three interpretations of Christopher Columbus.
I say interpretations, because Chris never sat for a portrait
during his entire lifetime.
So nobody REALLY knows what this guy looks like.
You can have a Paul Giamatti Columbus… [audience laughing]
the Sting Columbus… [audience laughing]
or, the John Malckovich Columbus. [audience laughing]
Now, there are very few universal truths in the world.
One is, food always tastes better, when somebody else is paying for it.
Universal truth. The other is that everybody in this room was taught
the story of how Columbus went before Queen Isabella of Spain,
and he was going to prove to her that the world was…
(Audience) Round.
Do you know Queen Isabella of Spain? Pretty smart woman, I gotta believe,
would’ve said to Christopher Columbus when he laid this line on her, he would...
she would look at him and go, “Chris [inaudible], Aristotle figured out the world
was round 2,000 years ago! This is 1492, the year they invented...the globe.”
[tap] Tonk! [audience laughing]
So, this world is round story, is a 100% bullshit.
It’s total fiction, yet, HOW did our grandparents learn this?
We learned this, our grandchildren are probably going to learn this.
How come? Because, history is pop culture.
And, the early 1800s, the biggest pop culture figure in America
decided HE was going to tell the story. His name…Washington Irving.
This is Washington Irving, and he is our nation’s first American idol.
[audience chuckling]
Now, we gotta remember, what is media in the early 1800s?
What is media, then? Ahmmm, you got a town crier,
so his circulation is what— about 50 yards?
[audience laughing]
You got newspapers, and they’re local.
And, you have books. Books are everything.
And, when it came to books, this guy becomes Stephen King,
Steven Tyler, and Steven Spielberg rolled up into one,
starting with his first book, The Knickerbocker Tales.
Now, how popular was this book?
The New York Knicks, to this day, get their name from the Knickerbockers.
How popular was this book? Because Diedrich Knickerbocker
wore his pants below the knee, we came up with “knickers”.
OK, so this guy’s hot. He’s like Quentin Tarantino at the Pulp Fiction.
What’s he gonna follow up with? What can possibly beat the first one?
How about a little thing called, Rip Van Winkle?
You remember Rip Van Winkle? A story about a man with a nagging wife,
he gets drunk, goes to sleep for twenty years,
wakes up, his wife is dead, and he lives happily ever after.
[audience laughing]
That’s the story of Rip Van Winkle! OK, so now he’s two for two, right?
He’s like outcast following Ms. Jackson with, “Hey ya!”
What can he possibly come up with next? A little something called,
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. How popular was this book?
Two hundred years later, Johnny Depp wanted in.
[audience laughing]
So now, Washington Irving
is America’s first internationally known author.
He has got a worldwide audience,
so he wants to write a worldwide best seller.
And, what does he come up with?
[swipe in]
The Life and Voyages of Christopher Columbus.
This becomes the biggest hit in American publishing history…
at least until [swipe in] Volume 2.
[audience laughing]
OK—I threw in the Fellowship of the Ships.
This becomes the biggest hit
in publishing only until . . . [swipe in] Volume 3.
Sequels--nothing is new.
They had ‘em then, they’ll have ‘em forever. OK?
But, what’s more important is that HERE is where the “world is round”
stories come from. It’s not out of fact; it is totally out of his fiction.
You know, Napoleon once said, “History is a myth
that men agree to believe.” Well, so many people have read this myth
that it creates what I have to call, The Liberty Valance Effect.
There is a great old western, if you haven’t seen it, called,
“The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance”.
It stars Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne, and it was directed by...
(male student) John Ford.
Awwww . . . there you go. John Ford.
Only two film students came up with that? Shame on you!
Shame on you! Orson Wells, when once asked, "Who are the three
greatest American directors?" replied, “John Ford, John Ford, and John Ford.”
John Ford has four academy awards. Four! Not that the Academy awards
is a “be all and end all” of everything. I mean, Ben Affleck’s got a fuckin’
Oscar for God sakes you know what I'm saying?
[audience laughing]
You know, let’s put things in perspective a little bit here.
But, in this movie, Jimmy Stewart plays a man who rises to become
a hero, because he’s credited with killing the notorious outlaw,
Liberty Valance. At the end of the movie, however,
Jimmy Stewart confesses to his biographer that he really didn’t kill Liberty Valance...
that John Wayne did. Hearing this, his biographer takes his notes,
and tears them all up. And Jimmy goes, “W-w-w-what, you’re not gonna use that?”
The biographist says, No.” This is the West, sir.
When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.
Say that with me. When the legend becomes fact,
(audience) print the legend.
This is what's happened with Washington Irving and Columbus.
He has created the Columbus legend, the legend has become fact,
and we print the legend.
Now, you can say this is some isolated incident,
and I would say, “Oh, contraire mon Frere”.
How about this guy?
1775, Boston Massachusetts, a British postal worker, 23 years old,
a postal rider, hears that the British are invading.
He gets on a horse and rides 350 miles to warn the colonists. And, his name is…
(audience) Paul Revere.
His name is Israel Bissell. [audience laughing]
Israel Bissell. Now, did Paul Revere ride?
Absolutely. He went a good… [descending sound] oooh…19 miles.
[audience laughing] Nineteen miles. He went
from Boston to Cambridge. [audience laughing]
The only person he could’ve warned was the Dean of Harvard. [audience laughing]
Israel Bissell, on the other hand, goes from Boston,
[horse galloping] across Massachusetts, down through Rhode Island,
across Connecticut, down into New York, across New Jersey, to Philadelphia.
Guys, how chafed are Bissell’s balls at this point I want to tell ya?
I mean he’s on a horse. This is a long ride on Amtrak!
[audience laughing]
But, the question is, how come
we never heard of Israel Bissell, but everybody knows Paul Revere?
How come? Because, pop culture is history,
and in the 1860’s, the biggest pop culture figure of that time decided
HE was going to tell the story. His name, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
Now, I would say Longfellow was probably the Jerry Bruckheimer
of romantic poetry.
He writes these big, action-packed, stirring sagas, these epic length poems,
starting with one you may have heard called, Evangeline.
D' remember--everyone know about Evangeline?
Has one of the great, great dramatic opening lines of all time.
It went like this, “This is the forest primeval.
Caw, caw, caw, caw.”
[audience laughing]
You like that little [inaudible] I threw in right there, eh?
Ok, he follows that with not one, but two blockbusters—
The Courtship of Miles Standish. And, he follows that up with,
The Song of Hiawatha. You know the song of Hiawatha?
[drumming to beat of Hiawatha]
By the shores of Gitche Gumee,
by the shining Big-Sea-Waters, so the wigwam of nakomis,
and I don’t know any "mora". [audience laughing]
He is America’s most popular poet til this day!
But, along comes 1860, and what’s about to happen in 1860?
(Audience) Civil War.
Civil War’s about to happen. Now, Longfellow considers
himself a patriot.
And, he’ll do anything to keep the country from splitting apart.
So, he wants to write this stirring saga that will inspire patriotism in everyone,
except, he’s got a problem. He’s like Jerry Bruckheimer.
He needs a name, and Israel Bissell isn’t inspiring anybody with his name.
Israel Bissell sounds like a Jewish vacuum cleaner.
[audience laughing]
So instead, he turns on the guy
who went 19 miles and creates a hero, because, “Listen my children,
and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere.”
Sounds a whole hell of a lot better than, “Come along kiddies!
Daddy’s gonna whistle while he tells you all the story
about Israel Bissell Ahhh!” We cast our heroes. We always have.
We always will. And let’s face facts. Paul Revere is better casting
than Israel Bissell, right? So instead he creates
the Legend of Paul Revere. And once again, this creates
the Liberty Valance Effect. When the legend becomes fact,
print the legend. So, assume the position
that pop culture is history. A hundred years from now,
when the Longfellow or the Irving of 2105
decides HE wants to tell his story his way,
history may very well show that Al Gore did invent the internet,
that George W. Bush was the most articulate statesman
the world has ever known, and that Michael Jackson
was really the only normal one among us all. [audience laughing]
[upbeat wind instrument]
(Tucker Carlson, MSNBC) In my view, history is…is is an air,
is a morality tale, passion play.
(Sarah Vowell, Author) I don’t know what history is
I don’t know what history is, but I know what it isn’t,
and it isn’t the good old days, a more innocent time when people
were more good, and less beholden to their pocketbooks and their genitalia.
(Jeff Greenfield, CNN) I…I think history turns on a dime;
it turns on a plugged nickel.
(Tucker Carlson, MSNBC) History has a purpose. It’s not a random
series of events and facts. It tells a story, and it’s used
by every generation to tell stories they find useful.
(Sarah Vowell, Author) I mean everyone loves a good story,
and I’m just as susceptible to it as the next guy.
(Jeff Greenfield, CNN) I do remember a junior high school
teacher of mine explaining that a lot of the founding fathers were smugglers,
and that’s why they were so opposed to the British control of…
that’s how they got around the British imports and taxes,
and I thought, “Really? Smugglers. Hmmm.” [A More Perfect Union]
I’m going to take it forgranted that everybody here loves their country.
Now, everybody loves their country in a little bit different way.
[For] some people, it’s a love or leave it type of thing.
And, for those of us who have been married for twenty-plus years,
it’s more of a, “Sure she pisses me off at times.
What the fuck am I gonna do, ya know?” [audience laughing]
But, all I’ve been hearing about lately is how great the founding fathers were!
How smart these guys were! Well, they may have been smart.
They may have been geniuses, but I know one thing for sure…
they were human. And, humans make mistakes.
Like in the oh…say the… first sentence of the Constitution.
[audience chuckling] Right? Say it with me. We the People…
(audience and Wuhl) Right? Say it with me. We the People…
of the United States, in order to form…
(audience) a more perfect union…
(Wuhl) A what?
(audience) a more…
(Robert Wuhl) A what? A what? A what?
[audience laughing] There is no such thing as more perfect.
You’re either perfect or you’re not. So, right off the bat, our country
is based upon a grammatical fuck up. [audience laughing]
Who are these founding fathers? Are they the common man?
Are they the working man? Hell, no! They’re rich white men
that didn’t want to pay taxes. Boy, how things have changed!
[audience laughing] By the way, you know why?
You know why they wore all that stuff? There was a way to show wealth.
The more material you had on, you could show off how wealthy you were,
how upper class it was. And I often wonder myself, if two people wanted to hook up,
what did they have to take off, ok? For example, a woman…
[audience laughing] a woman would have to take off her cap,
a heavily embroidered, brocade gown, laced down the back with 26 grommets,
under that a petticoat with dozens of hooks lacing up the back, right?
She has a farmingdale. That’s this wide thing…
it has clothes with 19…I tell ya, this is the only time it paid
to be a peasant. They had no rules--no worry.
They just went ahead and just did what they had to do.
[audience laughing] He has to wear a tricorn hat, a perry wig,
[female screaming in ecstasy] a heavily embroidered brocade coat with 32 gold buttons,
flared sleeves and laced sleeves, a brocaded vest
with more than 20 buttons. The kneel…I think it’s safe
to assume the position that there was no such thing
as a colonial quickie. [audience laughing and applauding]
You didn’t think you were going to have show-and-tell, did you? [audience laughing]
[As American as Apple Pie] I call this, “As American as Apple Pie.”
Now, this refers to something that we think is a recent phenomenon,
but I—I assume the position that it’s been around forever.
Tonight’s topic will be... “Star Fucking”. [audience laughing]
Now, I gotta tell you I have no political agenda whatsoever.
My dad was a republican, my mom was a democrat,
so I kind of see both sides of every issue.
That said, my wife is to the left of Lenin.
[audience laughing] I mean, she sees this guy.
She goes berserk. How did this guy get to be governor?
This guy? He’s a celebrity! It shouldn’t be a popularity contest.
And I look at her and I go, “What? Are you out of your mind?”
All elections are popularity contests, since the beginning of time.
I don’t care if it’s the prom queen, class president,
or President of the United States. Whoever wins is the most
popular person at that time. Who are our first celebrities?
The war heroes, right? Let’s start with um, our old buddy here,
George Washington. [audience laughing]
OK…George. He was the hero of the revolution.
Do you know how many battles he fought? Nine. You know how many he actually won?
(male student) Zero.
(Robert Wuhl) Three. Three. Zero, we wouldn’t be here,
if he won zero. [audience laughing]
But actually, he won three, so that makes his record three and six.
Three and six? Three and six doesn’t get you
into the Gator Bowl, leave alone the White House, right?
But, we elected George Washington. Why? Because he was a star, and star fucking is…
(audience in unison) as American as apple pie.
How about our next guy, Andrew Jackson,
hero of the Battle of New Orleans during the War of 1812.
Ahh, by the way, we don’t hear much about the war of 1812, do we?
You think it’s because we got our ass kicked?
[audience and Robert Wuhl laughs] Missed that one, huh?
Actually, one of the few battles we win is the Battle of New Orleans,
and, does anybody know… where’s my history majors?
What makes the Battle of New Orleans unique?
(Male Student) The war is over.
(Female Student) Yeah.
(Robert Wuhl) It’s fought when the war is over.
You know, I’ve always found that when one side says,
“You know, let’s go home,” and the other guy goes, “Attack!”
That side usually wins. [audience laughing]
But, we elect Andrew Jackson. Why? Because Jackson’s a star
and star fucking is…
(audience) as American as apple pie.
The next guy up--the most popular man of the 19th century, more popular
than Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant, hero of the Civil War,
and one of the great all-time American drunks.
[audience laughing] I said drunk--not an alcoholic.
You know the old joke between— what’s the difference between
a drunk and an alcoholic? Drunks don’t have to go
to those meetings! [audience laughing]
But, America elects Grant, because Grant’s a star,
and star fucking is…
(audience) as American as apple pie.
In the 20th century, media changes. So, now we got more than
just newspapers and war heroes. Now, we have media heroes.
We have actors, we have TV, we have radio.
So, it’s not uncommon to see celebrities become politicians.
I mean for…I mean, I dunno— it’s like—of course,
we had Ronald Reagan, we had an actor, become a politician.
We also had a basketball player, a wrestler, a gopher,
a non-alcoholic beverage. [audience laughing]
So, if say…Alec Baldwin decides to run for office,
it’s not the exception. It’s the norm. In the 1800s, the biggest star
in America was Edwin Booth. He may have had political aspirations,
but unfortunately, his brother, John Wilkes, put the kibosh on that.
[single gunshot] So, if I were Alec Baldwin,
personally, I’d be on the lookout for Steven Baldwin.
[audience laughing] I’ll tell you something else
that’s American as apple pie. [rhythm of We Will Rock You]
You’re at the stadium. Everybody… [rhythm of “We Will Rock You”]
OK. No matter what the score is, everybody gets into this, right?
They’re all unified.
(Female Singer) Buddy you’re a boy
(Wuhl joins in) make a big noise, playin’ in the street,
gonna be a big man someday. Everybody, c’mon! You got mud
on yo’ face, you big disgrace,
(class joins in) kickin’ your can all over the place.
Singin’, we will we will rock you. Yeah, everybody! Everybody together!
We will we will rock you. We got a battle cry!
We’ll follow you, man! And, who are we following?
Who we gonna follow? We’re following Freddie Mercury, man!
[audience laughing] That’s who we’re following.
I guarantee you, 90% of the people in that stadium wouldn’t follow
Freddie Mercury into the front door of their own home.
But, right now, we’ll follow him to hell. [audience laughing] How come? Because, he’s created
a gay battle cry. [audience chuckling] A gay battle cry unites the crowd.
Now, you might think this is a totally unique situation,
and I would assume the position that gay battle cries are
(Wuhl and audience) as American as apple pie.
[audience laughing]
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
Mr. Wuhl, now you’ve gone too far. I would say, look no farther for proof
than the quintessential American sing-along song. It used to go
something like this. [Yankee Doodle song]
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony. Everyone!
(Everyone) Stuck a feather in his hat
and called it macaroni. OK, raise your hand if you ever wondered
why the hell he called it macaroni. [audience laughing]
Why call it macaroni? During the 1700s, in London,
which is where this song originated, there was a very, very, very, very,
notorious club known as the “Macaroni Club”.
The Macaroni Club consisted of a feet, dandy, foppish, young men
who would gather together to discuss the latest in fashion,
culture, and cuisine. Basically, we are talking
“ye old queer eye”. [audience laughing]
Now, the word “yankee” actually comes from the Dutch word, “yok”,
which means like a rube, a hick, a hillbilly. So, what the upper-class Brits
were actually saying is, here comes this yankee into town,
this yankee doodle, and he’s probably gonna wind up at the old Macaroni Club.
I have no idea where he put the feather.
[audience laughing] But, the only thing that the Brits
hated worse than the “poofs” in London, were these asshole American colonists
across the pond causing trouble. So, they decide to insult all of us
by calling all of us yankee doodles and doing this song.
But, we don’t know anything about a Macaroni Club, but we knew
a good tune when we heard one. [audience laughing]
So, we ran with it! So, the next time you hear,
“We Will Rock You”, you think of “Yankee Doodle”,
because gay battle cries are…
(audience) as American as apple pie.
[Yankee Doodle song]
[background music] (Tucker Carlson, MSNBC) Personal favorite historic—yeah,
Teddy Roosevelt was a complete bad ass, total bad ass.
Swam every day in Rock Creek, naked, played squash every day,
invited heads of state, foreign heads of state over to the White House
and then challenged them to boxing matches.
(Sarah Vowell, Author) I guess Louis Armstrong.
He was…when I was a little girl, I wanted to be Louis Armstrong.
And uh, so I was a trumpet player. In fact, I’m just a failed trumpet player.
(David Cross, Humorist) You know, a lot of things I think
about historically probably have to do with art or literature.
Ah, um…I dunno…who did the first um…porn on VHS?
(Jeff Greenfield, CNN) You know, Alexander Hamilton
was the first Secretary of the Treasury,
but he was also the…the protagonist of America’s first sex scandal.
Um, it’s a wonderful story. He was accused by his republican/
democratic opponents of um… paying somebody off for some kind
of economic gain, and he wrote this… he published this long thing.
He said, “No, no, no. No, they were blackmailing me,
because I was sleeping with his wife.
[I Shit You Not]
(Robert Wuhl) I shit you not. [audience laughing]
There’s a sort of history vice such as…this is the great racehorse,
Man of War. Between 1919 and 1920,
Man of War raced twenty-one times. You know how many times it won?
Twenty. Won twenty, lost one race. Lost to a horse named Upset.
Now, what’s interesting about this is up to this point, “upset” meant,
I’m very upset with you, or I have an upset stomach.
But, from this moment forward, anytime the underdog beat a favorite,
he was said to have pulled an…
(audience) upset.
And that’s where the term comes from. I shit you not.
This is George Grant, son of slaves. In 1870, George Grant becomes
the first African-American graduate of Harvard Dental School.
He then goes on to develop the first device for cleft-palate patients.
But then, he invents something that
revolutionizes every doctor’s practice… the golf tee.
[audience laughing]
Thereby cementing his place in American Medical History.
Dr. George Grant, inventor of the golf tee.
I shit you not. [audience laughing]
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the book most often
stolen from libraries every year is “The Guinness Book of World Records.”
[audience laughing] I shit you not.
Alfred Nobel. We know Alfred Nobel, founder of the great
Alfred Nobel foundation.
Who can tell me, where did Alfred Nobel make all his money from?
(Audience) Dynamite.
He invented dynamite! Dynamite! This son of a bitch blew up half the world--
has the balls to get a peace prize. [audience laughing]
Edward Hyde, cousin of Queen Anne. Edward Hyde becomes Lord Cornbury,
and becomes the colonial governor of New York and New Jersey
in the early 1700s. He becomes a man that was so corrupt
that it is said that he did more than any other single individual
to unite the colonies against Britain. Oh, by the way, he had one other quirk
that pissed people off. This is the actual portrait of him
that hangs in the New York Historical Society.
Lord Cornbury, America’s first transvestite governor.
I shit you not. [audience laughing]
Ben Affleck has an Oscar. I shit you not.
[audience laughing and applauding]
The Hundred Years War lasted a hundred sixteen years.
[audience laughing]
Who was the Hundred Years War fought between?
(Male Student) French and English
Ahhhhh. One person. One person! French and English, this is amazing,
hundred sixteen years war, and only one person remembers?
You know how long a hundred sixteen years is?
That’s from…ah…1890 til next May. [audience laughing]
One person remembered, but I guarantee ya everybody in this room
remembers something that came out of it.
Yes, first of all, it was fought between the English and the French.
The reason was, because Britain believed that France belonged to them.
Now, historically, Britain always believes that everything belongs to them.
[audience chuckling] But something happens during this war.
First of all, the first great piece of long-range artillery is introduced
during this war. It is the English longbow.
Uh, known as the machine gun of its time, it was made from the English yew tree.
Y-E-W…very strong tree, and you would… and what you would do is you pull back
with your middle finger, you would pull back on the bow, and pluck.
This was known as “plucking the yew”.
You could hit targets from 250 yards away with the long bow.
The French hated the long bow and feared it so much that whenever
they would capture a British soldier, they would chop off their middle finger
making them unable to shoot. Look there, bligh there, mate!
I can’t pluck me yew! [audience chuckling]
I can’t pluck me yew! I got no middle finger!
But, the tide turns at the Battle of Agincourt
where 20,000 Frenchmen have 5,000 Englishmen surrounded.
They are so overconfident that the night before, they had this victory party.
They had the croissants, a little pate, a little wine…
[Wuhl sings La Vie En Rose]
Meanwhile, the English rally… and, who do they rally around?
Henry V—this is the Henry V battle of Agincourt where Henry
rallies everyone and says, “Once more into the breach,
ye men, ye merry men, ye band of brothers!”
And, the greatest upset since David, the British defeat the French.
Not only do they defeat the French, but to taunt the French,
they would hold up their hands, showing they still had their middle finger
and say, “Hey! Froggy,
I still got me middle finger! I can still pluck you!
I can still pluck you!” The “pl” became anglocized to “f”,
and that’s where you get, “I can fuck you”.
[audience laughing]
And that’s the legend of where giving the finger comes from.
Is it true? It doesn’t matter! It’s the legend.
And, when the legend becomes fact…
(audience) print the legend.
I want to thank everyone for attending class today.
I appreciate it. Class dismissed! [audience cheering and applauding] [upbeat music]
(Wuhl) Thank you. Thank you.
(Sarah Vowell, Author) When I was a little kid, my parents
had this record in their record collection called, “History Repeats Itself”.
And it was this whole list of Lincoln/Kennedy
assassination coincidences.
[Sarah hums to “America the Beautiful” while Wuhl speaks]
Lincoln has a secretary named Kennedy. Kennedy has a secretary named Lincoln.
Ahh…both were shot in front of their wives.
(Sarah) Uh huh.
(Wuhl) Ahhh… John Wilkes Booth…
(Sarah) I got tired of humming.
(Wuhl) OK. Ja -w-w-w-k-do you have-OK…
John Wilkes Boothand Lee Harvey Oswald
had the same amount of letters in their names.
Right, and ah, Oswald shoots Kennedy and runs to a theater…
Oh, Oswald shoots Kennedy in a warehouse and runs to a theater.
Booth shoots Lincoln in a theater and runs to a warehouse,
which is actually a barn, but…
(Wuhl) OK. Lincoln is born in a log cabin.
Kennedy once spilled Lob Cabin syrup in his dad’s Lincoln.
[Sarah and Wuhl laugh]
[air blowing] [note on an organ]
[schoolbell] R-r-r-r-i-n-n-g-g-g!
[percussion and synthesizer music]
I wanna welcome everybody to “Assume the Position 201.”
[audience applauding] I want to thank everyone
for attending class, which once again are the stories
that made up America, and the stories that America made up.
Today, I am going to assume the position that history is based on a true story.
[audience laughing] And the story I’m going to tell you
about today is about our most exclusive country club—our Chief Executives.
Talk about members only. [audience laughing]
In 218 years, only 42 of ‘em. And, I gotta say, for a country
that’s been built upon diversity… [audience laughing]
Not a whole lotta hell of it up there, is there?
In fact, the only diversity I see up there is facial hair. That’s it!
First 15 presidents before Lincoln— no facial hair.
Next 7 out of 8—facial hair. [audience laughing]
And the only reason Andrew Johnson doesn’t have any is, because
Lincoln got shot, and he didn’t have enough time to grow a beard.
[audience laughing]
Now, in my lifetime, there have been 10 different presidents.
Some good, some not so good, all of them clean shaven,
and none of them could get rid of Castro. [audience laughing]
His secret? Facial hair! [audience laughing]
But, for the first time in this upcoming election,
there is a very real possibility that a white male may NOT be elected
to our nation’s highest office.
In fact, there is a real chance that we could have a white woman
and a black man running on the same national party ticket.
That’s groundbreaking. That’s monumental.
This has never happened in the history of our country since 1872.
[audience laughing]
In 1872, this was the presidential ticket for the Equal Rights Party.
The vice-presidential candidate was the abolitionist, Frederick Douglass,
a former slave who later became the leading orator of his time.
And the presidential candidate was the, oh, so controversial
Victoria Woodhull,who despite the fact that women won’t have the right
to vote for almost another 50 years, becomes the first woman
to run for president.
Along with Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton,
Woodhull is the superstar of the Women’s Suffrage Movement.
But, what makes her controversial is she not only believes
in a woman’s right to vote, she believes in a woman’s right for free love.
And, by free love, she means sex.
She means sex with who she wants, when she wants, where she wants.
[audience laughing] Personally, I’d rather party with Vicky.
[audience laughing] Look at her. She’s got a little ah…
Maggie Gyllenhaal thing going on there, doesn’t she?
[audience laughing] But, the fact that she wants
to come…means she’s gotta go! [audience laughing]
In fact, she’s so controversial, even her own two buddies
kick her off “The View”. [audience laughing] [slinging sound]
The thought of Victoria Woodhull becoming president obviously
frightened a lot of people.
Me? I’m an equal rights guy. I believe that women should have every right
to be just as incompetent as men. [audience laughing]
I mean in retrospect, could she possibly have been any worse than this guy?
Franklin Pierce, in 1852, little known rich kid Senator Franklin Pierce
wakes up one morning and says, “You know? I’m clean shaven;
I’m gonna run for president.” However, he’s got obstacles.
His two rivals to the democratic nomination
are Steven Douglas who stood an imposing 4’6”…
[audience laughing] and James Buchannan,
a lifelong bachelor who many thought led an alternative lifestyle.
OK, this is not the toughest competition in the world, right? This is like
beating Mini-Me and Lance Bass. [audience laughing]
OK, so Pierce gets the nomination, but still, nationally,
he’s not very well known.
So, he’s gotta get out the word, and how d’ya get out the word?
The same way you do now. You gotta use the media.
But, what is media back then in 1852? There’s no radio,
there’s no TV, there’s no webcast, there’s no podcast, there’s no outcast.
[audience laughing] No, what you have is books.
Books are everything. So, he puts out a book,
but the question is, OK, it’s one thing to put out a book.
It’s another thing to get people to read it.
It all comes down to who’s telling…
(audience) the story.
And who’s telling Pierce’s story? None other than his old college
drinking buddy by the name of Nathaniel Hawthorne.
That’s his college buddy.
Only the biggest pop culture figure of his time, right?
He has just written back-to-back best sellers.
First, The Scarlet Letter, a love triangle about adultery—
it’s sort of the original Grey’s Anatomy. [audience laughing]
Then he follows that with The House of the Seven Gables.
That’s the original, romantic, haunted house story.
It’s sort of a cross between The Notebook and Saw.
[buzzing saw, audience laughs] So, Hawthorne’s now two for two.
He’s like J.T. Follow Me and Cry Me a River sexy bath.
[audience laughing] Everybody wants to know
what’s Hawthorne going to write next.
What story is Hawthorne going to tell next?
And, what story is he going to tell next?
Well, he’s going to tell the story of his good buddy, Franklin Pierce.
Now, think about this... Hawthorne putting his brand
on somebody’s biography would be like Tom Clancy
writing “The Hunt” for Mitt Romney. [audience laughing]
Or, J.K. Rowling writing Dennis Kucinich
and A Cold Day in Hell. [audience laughing]
But, the fact is, millions of people would read those books.
And millions of people read Hawthorne’s, “The Life of Franklin Pierce.”
And this is what we would call today, based on a true story.
Now, when we hear the term, based on a true story today,
we generally don’t think about books, do we?
We usually think about it in movies.
For example, this movie, A Beautiful Mind.
It told the inspiring story of mathematician, John Nash,
who went from schizophrenia, to the Nobel Prize,
into the arms of a woman he loved. The end.
Now, the filmmakers did leave out a few details of Nash’s life.
They left out the fact that John Nash fathered a child
out of wedlock and was a deadbeat dad.
They left out the fact that John Nash, when delusional,
went on anti semitic rants that would have make Mel Gibson go,
“Holy Fuck!” [audience laughing]
And they left out the fact that previously, John Nash had unusual interests in men,
away from the arms of the woman he loved. [audience laughing]
Leaving out these details changes the story a little bit, doesn’t it?
I mean, to me, this would be like making OJ.
He went from junior college to the Heisman trophy
into the arms of the woman he loved. The end!
[audience laughing] Coming soon—
Simpson, based on a true story. [audience laughing]
You know Oscar Wilde once said, “Anybody can make history,
but it takes a great man to write it.”
And, Hawthorne’s a pretty great writer, neglecting the fact that Franklin Pierce
is a pro-slavery, raging alcoholic, he paints him as America’s savior,
a cross between Mother Teresa and James Bond.
[audience softly laughs] In August, Hawthorne’s book
comes out—in August.
And, because of this book, by November, this little known
dark horse candidate carries 27 out of the 31 states in the country
and becomes our 14th President of the United States,
based on a true story.
And you know what happens? Pierce really sucks.
[audience softly laughs]
As Shakespeare wrote, “He doth REALLY SUCK!”
How bad was Franklin Pierce? Because of his pro-slavery actions,
he did more than any other single individual
to hasten the outbreak of the Civil War.
How bad was Franklin Pierce? To this day, he remains the ONLY
incumbent president in our history not to get his OWN party’s nomination
for a second term. [audience softly laughs]
How does he respond? Pierce later gets drunk, gets on a horse,
and drives over a woman becoming the first president with a DUI.
[horse neighing] [female student in audience screams]
But, you know the funny thing? We got through it.
See, that’s the thing about Americans. We’re tough. We’re resilient.
We’ll get through it.
Which brings me to my next point, we’ll get through it.
[audience laughing and applauding]
I’m an optimist. I really am. I’m a positive person.
I always look at the bong as half full. [audience laughing]
And, by the way, I have no political agenda.
My dad was a republican, my mom was a democrat,
so I respect both points of view.
Now that said, my wife, Ms. Lefty Pinko Capelli herself
looks at Old W here and says, “George W. Bush is the worst
president in the history of the United States!”
And, I go, “The worst? Holy hyperbole Batman.”
[audience chuckling] You know, we’ve had some
really lousy leaders in this country.
In fact, I’m going to assume the position that lousy leaders ARE
as American as apple pie. [audience cheers and applauses]
Starting with Aaron Burr. Aaron Burr. Aaron Burr.
We all know Aaron Burr from the Got Milk commercial,
you know. Aaron Burr…
[saying Aaron Burr but with a slur, audience laughs]
This is our 3rd presidential election.
Aaron Burr actually tied Thomas Jefferson in electoral college
and only became vice-president, because his old nemesis,
Alexander Hamilton, used his influence to elect Jefferson.
Uh, Burr, a less than gracious loser, responds by shooting Alexander Hamilton
[single gunshot] thereby becoming our first vice-president
to shoot somebody. [single gunshot]
[audience laughing] He is later arraigned for treason,
not once, not twice, not three times— how many times, Aaron?
[ding from cash register] Four times! Four times!
Talk about a lousy leader. But, you know what?
We got through it, because lousy leaders are…
(audience) as American as apple pie.
Oh, let’s keep going. [audience laughing]
William Henry Harrison, hero of the Mexican War.
On his inauguration day, March 4th, 1841. It’s raining,
it’s freezing, it’s windy, [wind blowing] but Mr. macho war hero
doesn’t want anybody to think he’s a pussy.
[audience chuckling] So, he stands and gives
his inauguration address without a hat, without a coat, without his gloves.
Well, didn’t your mother tell ya, if ya didn’t cover up,
you’d catch pneumonia? Well, guess what? He catches…
(Audience) pneumonia.
March 4th, he’s making history; April 4th, he is history.
[audience chuckling] One month…one MONTH!
His administration lasted less than Lindsay Lohan’s last rehab.
[audience laughing] Now, you gotta remember
this was the first time a president had ever died in office.
But, fortunately, we had John Tyler of Virginia.
How committed to the United States was this guy?
When he’s not reelected, this mother fucker switches sides!
[audience laughing]
Then, there was Millard Fillmore.
He put the “I” in anti-immigration. He not only wanted to keep anymore
Irish Catholics from entering the country, he wants to kick out the ones
that are already here. [kicing ball]
[audience laughing]
Then there was Warren G. Harding. How bad was this guy?
He once actually lost the White House china in a poker game.
[audience laughing] [cash register] Which brings me to Calvin Coolidge,
who on a summer vacation, 1927, goes fishing in South Dakota,
and catches so many fish in South Dakota
that he decides to stay for 3 months! Three months the President stays away.
Washington’s at a standstill. Cal’s catchin’ fish.
[audience laughing] Now, just prior to this,
America has suffered its greatest natural disaster.
The Mississippi River overflows flooding 6 states. Cal’s catchin’ fish.
I mean, can you imagine the president being that insensitive
during a natural disaster? Inconceivable! [audience laughs loudly]
But the real story isn’t just that Cal’s catching fish,
it’s why he’s catching so many fish.
Because, unbeknownst to Cal, South Dakota’s state officials
have chicken-wired the lake, and every night are restocking thousands of fish.
Why? Because they need Cal to fall in love with South Dakota.
Why? Because, they need to generate income in South Dakota.
Why? Because South Dakota is in the middle of east bum fuck America!
[audience laughing]
There’s only 8 people living there per square mile!
[audience laughing]
That’s only 8 more people living there than there are on Mars!
They need tourism dollars, and they need Cal’s help to finance
their new tourist attraction. And, what is their new tourist attraction?
That mountain. They needed tourism dollars so they create Mt…
(audience) Rushmore.
Mt. Rushmore was totally created as a tourist trap.
And, you know what? It works.
It works completely just weeks before the attack on Pearl Harbor.
Mt. Rushmore becomes an instant national shrine
and a quintessential American image. But tell the truth.
Doesn’t it look like the poster for The Departed?
[gunshots, audience laughing] Now, my point is,
although Calvin Coolidge may have been hoodwinked
into paying for Mt. Rushmore, without his help, it never gets made—
which only goes to prove that no matter how lousy a leader one may be,
you gotta give props where props are due.
So, regardless of what you think of W’s legacy,
you gotta give him the following— first, he can throw strikes.
[audience laughing] He is the best ever
at throwing out the first pitch. [audience chuckling]
And, secondly, he is his mother’s son. And, by that by the way,
I mean no disrespect whatsoever to Barbara Bush.
In fact, I’ll have ya know, back in the day
Barbara Bush is a little bit of a hottie. No, I say he is his mother’s son,
because before she was Barbara Bush, she was born Barbara Pierce.
And, she is a direct descendent of none other than
old fuck up himself, Franklin Pierce, which brings us full circle and explains
how things got to where we are today. And, you know what?
We’ll get through it, AGAIN. [audience laughing]
Why? Because lousy leaders are…
(audience joined by Wuhl) as American as apple pie.
You betcha!
[upbeat music]
(Male 1) Now, there’s apparently room for one more
face on Mt. Rushmore, and it seems to me it’s pretty obvious who it is.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Martin Luther King
Meryl Streep
Is Roosevelt on there already?
Uh…it’s Franklin Roosevelt
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Is he already on? No? Maybe Roosevelt.
And perhaps…
Francis Coppola?
Tony Morrison
Ronald Reagan
If there was a Canadian Mt. Rushmore,
it would be all people who are on SETV.
Cough, cough, sorry…
(Sarah Vowell, Author) No, I can’t even get through
that with a straight face? [Sarah laughs]
[handwriting] I Shit You Not
(Wuhl) I call this next segment… I Shit You Not
[audience chuckling]
A little history story, little fun facts— here we go.
One wonders if Ramses is really the proper name for a condom,
when you consider it’s named after the great pharaoh, Ramses,
who fathered over 110 kids during his life. I shit you not.
[audience laughing]
In the dining room of the Titanic, they actually served iceberg lettuce.
[audience laughing] I shit you not.
On April 9th, Playboy magazine founder and sexual liberator,
Hugh Hefner, turned 81. He was then given a birthday party
by the three women who love him— whose combined age is 81!
[audience laughing] I shit you not!
The croissant was introduced into what country?
(Male in Audience) France
(Wuhl) Correct! Austria!
[audience laughing]
To celebrate their victory over the Battle of Vienna,
Austrian bakers decided to create a pastry in the shape of the crescent
on the Ottoman flag. Crescent… croissant…crescent…croissant…
and, in fact, the croissant does not arrive in France until
a hundred years later when it’s brought over
by a 16-year old Austrian princess by the name of Kirsten Dunst.
[audience laughing] In 1990, Pfizer Labs is experimenting
with sildenaphil, which is a drug to treat heart patients.
Well, after doing a lot of testing, nobody’s blood pressure goes down,
but everybody’s dick goes up. [audience laughing]
Well, so long sildenaphil, hello Viagra! [audience laughing]
And, speaking on behalf of all the middle-aged men
who’d been married to the same woman for 24 years,
this is one of the great moments in American history. I shit you not!
[audience laughing] Now, I’m sure many of you
dismissed Ms. Spears as some exhibitionist,
club-hopping bimbo. But, not me! No, I got Britney’s back.
[audience chuckling]
Because, as my father used to say, judge slowly.
Behind me, this is the first nude scene in motion picture history.
In the 1933 Czech film, Ecstasy, 20-year old Hedy Lamarr shocks the world
by becoming the first woman to bare her breasts on camera,
thus becoming the original Girl Gone Wild! [audience laughing]
Her outrageous behavior makes her an international film star
and a pop-culture icon who once said, “Any woman can become glamorous.
All she has to do is stand still, and look stupid.”
[audience chuckling] Ahhhhh…but early in 1941,
shortly after WWII begins, Hedy is out partying.
Concerned about the Nazi’s jamming allied radio signals,
Hedy takes out a cocktail napkin, and on the back of it, draws up a plan
that will become known as frequency hopping.
This is a way to make jamming radio signals impossible.
I mean, look at it. This is Hedy’s actual patent
for frequency hopping.
And, this isn’t a handbag or cosmetics line she’s putting
her name on, right?
This is impressive stuff.
So, who many thought was an exhibitionist, club-hopping,
bimbo of her time invents a revolutionary defense system that has been used
in everything from the Cuban Missile Crisis,
to wi-fi, to cell phones.
Well, stand still and look stupid—my ass! [audience chuckling]
Which brings me back to my girl, Britney. [audience chuckling]
And, once again, I say judge slowly, because in the future,
we may very well learn that Britney went into that car
with underwear on! [audience laughing]
And the reason they came off may someday change history.
[audience laughing] I shit you not.
[audience laughs and applauses] [handwriting] Fiction and Facts from Wuhl's Almanac
In the first half of the 20th century,
the most popular woman in America was First Lady, Eleanor Roosevelt.
However you may be surprised— the second most popular woman
in America was this woman right here.
Anybody know who she is? (random voices)
That is Betty Crocker.
(random voices) Oh, yeah.
The spokeswoman for Gold Medal Flour and Bisquick, she was THE media superstar
of the first half of the 20th century.
How big was Betty Crocker? In the country—one-third the population
that it is now, her weekly radio shows drew the same sized audience
as American Idol. [synthesizer music] [audience laughing]
Betty Crocker got 4,000 letters a day. A day--I get 10 emails—I’m wiggin’ out.
[audience laughing]
She was the woman that American women turned to and trusted.
But then, in 1945, in a shocking expose, Betty Crocker is outed.
Fortune magazine reveals that no, she’s not gay.
[audience chuckling] She’s not straight.
They reveal Betty Crocker is not REAL.
America is shocked to find out that Betty Crocker is a fictional character
created by General Mills, who by the way, is not a real general.
[audience laughing] People were crushed.
I mean this would be like finding out that Oprah is CGI.
[audience laughing] So I got to thinkin’ who else?
Who else besides Betty have we mislaid our trust to?
Who else have we given our hearts and our stomachs to?
So with the public’s interest in mind, it is time to play Real or No Real.
[upbeat music]
Hi Ladies!
(Ladies) Hi Mr. Wuhl!
Are you ready to play Real or No Real?
(Ladies) Hell, yeah!
Are you ready to play Real or No Real?
(Audience) Hell, yeah!
[audience laughing]
Well then let’s play Real or No Real starting with Chef Boyardee.
We all know Chef Boyardee, but was he Real or No Real?
(Several in Audience) Real.
Chef Boyardee was…
(Female 1) Real!
[audience cheering and applauding]
In 1926, Hector Boiardi opens Giardino d’Italia,
a restaurant in Cleveland, Ohio.
There, his spaghetti sauce became so popular, he decides
to market it nationally, spelling his name phonetically…
[audience chuckling]
and thereby introduces much of America to authentic, Italian cuisine.
Although, my Italian mother-in-law wants to know what part of Italy
did beefaroni come from? [audience laughing]
Next, little Debbie, we all know little Debbie,
but was she real or no real? [audience hollering out mixed answers]
Little Debbie was…
(Female 2) Real!
[audience cheering and applauding]
In 1960, O.D. McKee is looking for a logo for his new snack cake,
and he decides to use a picture of his little granddaughter, Debbie;
however, O.D. does so without telling little Debbie’s parents.
In fact, Debbie’s parents don’t find out about this until the product
is almost on the shelves!
So, needless to say, little Debbie’s parents are POed O.D.
for exploiting their daughter, at least until Little Debbie
starts making big bucks. [audience laughing]
Next, Jose Cuervo. We all know Jose Cuervo.
Sometimes, we wake up, and we wish we didn’t know Jose Cuervo.
[audience laughing] But, was he real or no real?
[audience shouting varying answers]
Jose Cuervo was…
(Female 3) Real!
[female] Yes! [audience cheering and applauding]
In 1756, Jose Cuervo gets a license to produce mezcal wine,
and opens the first Mexican distillery in the village of..
(Audience) tequila!
[audience laughing] Take a shot, babe.
[gulping noise] [audience laughing] Next, Aunt Jemima!
We all know Aunt Jemima, but was she real or no real?
[audience shouts out differing answers] Aunt Jemima was…
(Female 4) No real!
(audience) Ohhhhh.
Aunt Jemima is not real; however, Nancy Green was.
In 1893, the Chicago World Fair opens. Millions of people came
from around the world to visit America and to see
their new technology and products.
Electricity is first introduced at the Chicago World’s Fair.
Ferris introduces his wheel at the Chicago World’s Fair.
But the biggest hit may have been Nancy Green,
a former slave who becomes our nation’s first African-American
spokeswoman when she introduces a new pancake mix based
on of all things, a hit pop song of its time.
Singing songs, giving cooking demonstrations,
and telling stories, Nancy Green became such a sensation
that Aunt Jemima executives make her their spokeswoman for life!
And, for the next 30 years, she tours across America
as a pancake rockstar!
[audience laughing]
Until sadly, she’s run over by a car in 1923.
No truth however to the rumor it’s driven by Mrs. Butterworth.
[screeching car, audience laughing]
So, in summation, there was a Baskin and a Robbins,
a Ben and a Jerry, but no Haagen, No Dazs…
(All Deal or No Deal Females) No queen of the dairy.
[slurping, [audience laughing]
Dr. Scholl made us walk, Jack Daniel made us crawl,
there is a Paul Newman…
(Deal or No Deal Females) and there was a Mrs. Paul.
[ripping paper, audience laughing, Real or No Real Females clapping as Wuhl chants]
There was a Pontiac, a Cadillac, a Buick and an Olds.
A Dodge and a Chevrolet, a…
(Deal or No Deal Females and Wuhl) Royce never Rolls.
There was a Dr. Pepper…
(Deal or No Deal Females and Wuhl) there ain’t no Mr. Pibb.
But, Pepperidge Farm and Maxwell House were once somebody’s crib.
I’m only going to do one more, and then I’ll say goodbye,
and that’s Marie Calendar, who made the…
(Deal or No Deal Females and Wuhl) mother fuckin’ pie!
[audience laughing and applauding] I wanna thank everybody
for attending today—I appreciate it! Class dismissed!
[school bell ringing, audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you! Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you!
(Jeff Greenfield) OK. Whaddaya wanna know?
(Patricia Williams) My favorite invention?
(Vowell) Well, my public answer would be the, uh, printing press.
(Patricia Williams) It’s the computer. I just cannot believe
that I was lucky enough to be born in the age of computers.
(Vowell) My private answer would be caller ID.
(Seth Rogen) Satellite television.
(Jeff Greenfield) Video on demand.
(Louis C.K.) Yeah, I have to take this.
(Seth Rogen) I did enjoy history class
very much growing up. (Louis C.K.)
I loved it. I flunked it, but I loved it.
(Patricia Williams) I guess history is a great battlefield,
and that’s simply in the sense of warriors.
(Manning Marable) It boils down to this.
Who’s telling the story? Whose story is it?
(Jeff Greenfield) The more you learn about these people,
the more you learn about ambiguity.
(Manning Marable) Historical memory is always selective.
(Jeff Greenfield) If there were one test
I could give to a president, a potential president,
it would be how much history does he or she know.