1
00:00:01,098 --> 00:00:03,179
[scratching]


2
00:00:03,225 --> 00:00:05,697
[hummm]

3
00:00:05,928 --> 00:00:07,938
[school bell ] r-r-r-r-i-n-g-g-g!

4
00:00:07,938 --> 00:00:09,305
[percussion music]

5
00:00:10,672 --> 00:00:12,040

(Robert Wuhl)
I want to welcome everyone

6
00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:14,004
to “Assume the Position”.

7
00:00:14,403 --> 00:00:15,138
I like that title.

8
00:00:15,138 --> 00:00:16,687
[audience laughing]

9
00:00:16,687 --> 00:00:20,219
And, this is going to be a different way
to look at history.

10
00:00:21,096 --> 00:00:23,459
Tolstoy said, "History is
a wonderful thing,

11
00:00:23,567 --> 00:00:24,888
if only it were true."

12
00:00:24,888 --> 00:00:26,686
[audience laughing]

13
00:00:26,686 --> 00:00:27,740
And that’s what the course is.

14
00:00:27,740 --> 00:00:31,898
It’s the stories that made up America,
and the stories that America made up.

15
00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:34,568


16
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,326
[History is Pop Culture]

17
00:00:36,326 --> 00:00:39,099
I’m going to assume the position,
right off the bat,


18
00:00:39,099 --> 00:00:41,909
that history is pop culture.

19
00:00:42,078 --> 00:00:43,481
Now, when I say pop culture,
what comes to your mind?

20
00:00:43,481 --> 00:00:44,772
Who…who comes to your mind?
Anybody in particular?

21
00:00:44,772 --> 00:00:46,057
(Male Student #1)
Brittney Spears.

22
00:00:46,057 --> 00:00:50,048
Brittney Spears! Never fails!
Never, never fails! Anybody else?

23
00:00:50,048 --> 00:00:51,057
(Male Student #2)
Paris Hilton.

24
00:00:51,057 --> 00:00:54,185
Paris Hilton, Britney Spears,
you think back…

25
00:00:54,185 --> 00:01:00,224
I think...Christopher Columbus.
[audience laughing]

26
00:01:00,224 --> 00:01:03,552
Behind me are three interpretations
of Christopher Columbus.

27
00:01:03,552 --> 00:01:07,344
I say interpretations, because Chris
never sat for a portrait

28
00:01:07,344 --> 00:01:08,712
during his entire lifetime.

29
00:01:08,712 --> 00:01:11,171
So nobody REALLY knows
what this guy looks like.


30
00:01:11,171 --> 00:01:15,415
You can have a Paul Giamatti Columbus…
[audience laughing]

31
00:01:15,415 --> 00:01:18,410
the Sting Columbus…
[audience laughing]

32
00:01:18,410 --> 00:01:22,603
or, the John Malckovich Columbus.
[audience laughing]

33
00:01:22,695 --> 00:01:26,765
Now, there are very few
universal truths in the world.

34
00:01:26,765 --> 00:01:31,440
One is, food always tastes better,
when somebody else is paying for it.

35
00:01:32,055 --> 00:01:34,991
Universal truth. The other is that
everybody in this room was taught

36
00:01:34,991 --> 00:01:38,356
the story of how Columbus went
before Queen Isabella of Spain,

37
00:01:38,356 --> 00:01:41,405
and he was going to prove to her
that the world was…

38
00:01:41,405 --> 00:01:44,101
(Audience) Round.

39
00:01:44,917 --> 00:01:49,077
Do you know Queen Isabella of Spain?
Pretty smart woman, I gotta believe,

40
00:01:49,077 --> 00:01:53,186
would’ve said to Christopher Columbus
when he laid this line on her, he would...

41
00:01:53,186 --> 00:01:56,592
she would look at him and go,
“Chris [inaudible], Aristotle figured out the world

42
00:01:56,592 --> 00:02:02,056
was round 2,000 years ago! This is 1492,
the year they invented...the globe.”


43
00:02:02,718 --> 00:02:05,732
[tap] 
Tonk!
[audience laughing]

44
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:10,732
So, this world is round story,
is a 100% bullshit.

45
00:02:10,732 --> 00:02:14,876
It’s total fiction, yet, HOW
did our grandparents learn this?

46
00:02:14,876 --> 00:02:17,598
We learned this, our grandchildren
are probably going to learn this.

47
00:02:17,598 --> 00:02:21,049
How come?
Because, history is pop culture.

48
00:02:21,049 --> 00:02:25,084
And, the early 1800s, the biggest
pop culture figure in America

49
00:02:25,084 --> 00:02:31,657
decided HE was going to tell the story.
His name…Washington Irving.

50
00:02:31,657 --> 00:02:35,831
This is Washington Irving, and he
is our nation’s first American idol.

51
00:02:35,831 --> 00:02:37,588
[audience chuckling]

52
00:02:37,588 --> 00:02:40,138
Now, we gotta remember,
what is media in the early 1800s?

53
00:02:40,138 --> 00:02:43,471
What is media, then? Ahmmm,
you got a town crier,

54
00:02:43,471 --> 00:02:45,912
so his circulation is what—
about 50 yards?


55
00:02:45,912 --> 00:02:49,061
[audience laughing]

56
00:02:49,813 --> 00:02:51,858
You got newspapers, and they’re local.

57
00:02:51,858 --> 00:02:55,443
And, you have books. 
Books are everything.

58
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:58,522
And, when it came to books,
this guy becomes Stephen King,

59
00:02:58,522 --> 00:03:02,817
Steven Tyler, and Steven Spielberg
rolled up into one,

60
00:03:02,817 --> 00:03:06,939
starting with his first book,
The Knickerbocker Tales.

61
00:03:06,939 --> 00:03:08,774
Now, how popular was this book?


62
00:03:08,774 --> 00:03:13,349
The New York Knicks, to this day,
get their name from the Knickerbockers.

63
00:03:13,349 --> 00:03:16,188
How popular was this book?
Because Diedrich Knickerbocker

64
00:03:16,188 --> 00:03:21,039
wore his pants below the knee,
we came up with “knickers”.

65
00:03:21,039 --> 00:03:26,183
OK, so this guy’s hot. He’s like
Quentin Tarantino at the Pulp Fiction.

66
00:03:26,183 --> 00:03:29,022
What’s he gonna follow up with?
What can possibly beat the first one?

67
00:03:29,022 --> 00:03:32,055
How about a little thing called,
Rip Van Winkle?

68
00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:36,047
You remember Rip Van Winkle?
A story about a man with a nagging wife,

69
00:03:36,047 --> 00:03:38,386
he gets drunk, goes to sleep
for twenty years,

70
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:41,184
wakes up, his wife is dead,
and he lives happily ever after.

71
00:03:41,184 --> 00:03:45,726
[audience laughing]

72
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:49,852
That’s the story of Rip Van Winkle!
OK, so now he’s two for two, right?

73
00:03:49,852 --> 00:03:53,457
He’s like outcast following Ms. Jackson
with, “Hey ya!”

74
00:03:53,703 --> 00:03:56,646
What can he possibly come up with next?
A little something called,

75
00:03:56,646 --> 00:04:00,192
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.
How popular was this book?

76
00:04:00,192 --> 00:04:02,749
Two hundred years later,
Johnny Depp wanted in.


77
00:04:02,749 --> 00:04:05,601
[audience laughing]

78
00:04:05,601 --> 00:04:07,207

So now, Washington Irving

79
00:04:07,207 --> 00:04:10,685
is America’s first
internationally known author.

80
00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:13,161
He has got a worldwide audience,


81
00:04:13,207 --> 00:04:15,726
so he wants to write
a worldwide best seller.


82
00:04:15,726 --> 00:04:16,753
And, what does he come up with?

83
00:04:16,753 --> 00:04:17,412
[swipe in]

84
00:04:17,412 --> 00:04:19,998
The Life and Voyages
of Christopher Columbus.

85
00:04:20,921 --> 00:04:24,435
This becomes the biggest hit
in American publishing history…

86
00:04:24,435 --> 00:04:27,059
at least until
[swipe in]
Volume 2.


87
00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:29,265
[audience laughing]



88
00:04:29,265 --> 00:04:32,485
OK—I threw in the
Fellowship of the Ships.

89
00:04:32,532 --> 00:04:33,678
This becomes the biggest hit


90
00:04:33,678 --> 00:04:37,436
in publishing only until . . .
[swipe in]
Volume 3.

91
00:04:37,436 --> 00:04:38,772
Sequels--nothing is new.


92
00:04:38,772 --> 00:04:40,546
They had ‘em then,
they’ll have ‘em forever. OK?

93
00:04:40,546 --> 00:04:44,991
But, what’s more important
is that HERE is where the “world is round”

94
00:04:44,991 --> 00:04:50,026
stories come from. It’s not out of fact;
it is totally out of his fiction.

95
00:04:50,026 --> 00:04:52,663
You know, Napoleon once said,
“History is a myth

96
00:04:52,663 --> 00:04:57,129
that men agree to believe.”
Well, so many people have read this myth

97
00:04:57,129 --> 00:05:01,687
that it creates what I have to call,
The Liberty Valance Effect.

98
00:05:01,687 --> 00:05:03,658
There is a great old western,
if you haven’t seen it, called,

99
00:05:03,658 --> 00:05:05,438
“The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance”.

100
00:05:05,438 --> 00:05:07,858
It stars Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne,
and it was directed by...

101
00:05:07,858 --> 00:05:09,962
(male student)
John Ford.

102
00:05:09,962 --> 00:05:11,289
Awwww . . . there you go. 
John Ford.

103
00:05:11,289 --> 00:05:13,721
Only two film students came up with that?
Shame on you!

104
00:05:13,721 --> 00:05:17,147
Shame on you! Orson Wells,
when once asked, "Who are the three

105
00:05:17,147 --> 00:05:22,402
greatest American directors?" replied,
“John Ford, John Ford, and John Ford.”

106
00:05:22,402 --> 00:05:27,103
John Ford has four academy awards.
Four! Not that the Academy awards

107
00:05:27,103 --> 00:05:29,605
is a “be all and end all” of everything.
I mean, Ben Affleck’s got a fuckin’

108
00:05:29,605 --> 00:05:31,401
Oscar for God sakes
you know what I'm saying?

109
00:05:31,401 --> 00:05:34,415
[audience laughing]

110
00:05:34,415 --> 00:05:37,908
You know, let’s put things
in perspective a little bit here.

111
00:05:37,908 --> 00:05:42,609
But, in this movie, Jimmy Stewart
plays a man who rises to become

112
00:05:42,609 --> 00:05:46,379
a hero, because he’s credited
with killing the notorious outlaw,

113
00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:49,268
Liberty Valance.
At the end of the movie, however,

114
00:05:49,268 --> 00:05:54,275
Jimmy Stewart confesses to his biographer
that he really didn’t kill Liberty Valance...

115
00:05:54,275 --> 00:05:57,800
that John Wayne did. Hearing this,
his biographer takes his notes,


116
00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:03,319
and tears them all up. And Jimmy goes,
“W-w-w-what, you’re not gonna use that?”

117
00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,804
The biographist says,
No.” This is the West, sir.

118
00:06:05,804 --> 00:06:10,044
When the legend becomes fact,
print the legend.

119
00:06:10,044 --> 00:06:13,150
When the legend becomes fact, 
print the legend.

120
00:06:13,150 --> 00:06:16,104
Say that with me. 
When the legend becomes fact,

121
00:06:16,104 --> 00:06:17,377
(audience) 
print the legend.

122
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,408
This is what's happened
with Washington Irving and Columbus.

123
00:06:20,408 --> 00:06:23,519
He has created the Columbus legend,
the legend has become fact,

124
00:06:23,519 --> 00:06:26,524
and we print the legend.

125
00:06:26,524 --> 00:06:28,328
Now, you can say this
is some isolated incident,

126
00:06:28,328 --> 00:06:31,624
and I would say, 
“Oh, contraire mon Frere”.



127
00:06:31,732 --> 00:06:32,565
How about this guy?

128
00:06:32,889 --> 00:06:38,540
1775, Boston Massachusetts,
a British postal worker, 23 years old,

129
00:06:38,540 --> 00:06:40,986
a postal rider, hears that
the British are invading.

130
00:06:40,986 --> 00:06:45,596
He gets on a horse and rides 350 miles
to warn the colonists. And, his name is…


131
00:06:45,596 --> 00:06:47,262
(audience)
Paul Revere.

132
00:06:47,262 --> 00:06:50,644
His name is Israel Bissell.
[audience laughing]

133
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:53,871
Israel Bissell.
Now, did Paul Revere ride?

134
00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:58,095
Absolutely. He went a good…
[descending sound]
oooh…19 miles.

135
00:06:58,095 --> 00:07:01,851
[audience laughing]
Nineteen miles. He went

136
00:07:01,851 --> 00:07:05,267
from Boston to Cambridge.
[audience laughing]

137
00:07:05,267 --> 00:07:10,460
The only person he could’ve warned
was the Dean of Harvard.
[audience laughing]

138
00:07:10,460 --> 00:07:12,633
Israel Bissell, on the other hand,
goes from Boston,


139
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:17,198
[horse galloping] 
across Massachusetts,
down through Rhode Island,

140
00:07:17,198 --> 00:07:22,852
across Connecticut, down into New York,
across New Jersey, to Philadelphia.

141
00:07:22,852 --> 00:07:27,330
Guys, how chafed are Bissell’s balls
at this point I want to tell ya?

142
00:07:27,330 --> 00:07:29,726
I mean he’s on a horse.
This is a long ride on Amtrak!

143
00:07:29,726 --> 00:07:33,080
[audience laughing]

144
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,121
But, the question is, how come

145
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:40,140
we never heard of Israel Bissell,
but everybody knows Paul Revere?

146
00:07:40,140 --> 00:07:44,053
How come?
Because, pop culture is history,

147
00:07:44,053 --> 00:07:48,535
and in the 1860’s, the biggest pop culture
figure of that time decided

148
00:07:48,535 --> 00:07:54,448
HE was going to tell the story.
His name, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

149
00:07:54,448 --> 00:07:58,045
Now, I would say Longfellow
was probably the Jerry Bruckheimer


150
00:07:58,045 --> 00:07:59,986
of romantic poetry.

151
00:07:59,986 --> 00:08:04,915
He writes these big, action-packed,
stirring sagas, these epic length poems,

152
00:08:04,915 --> 00:08:08,255
starting with one you may have heard
called, Evangeline.

153
00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:10,257
D' remember--everyone know 
about Evangeline?

154
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:13,613
Has one of the great, great dramatic
opening lines of all time.

155
00:08:13,613 --> 00:08:19,164
It went like this,
“This is the forest primeval.

156
00:08:19,164 --> 00:08:21,203
Caw, caw, caw, caw.”


157
00:08:21,203 --> 00:08:24,802
[audience laughing]

158
00:08:24,802 --> 00:08:28,537
You like that little [inaudible]
I threw in right there, eh?



159
00:08:28,537 --> 00:08:31,700
Ok, he follows that with not one,
but two blockbusters—

160
00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:34,576
The Courtship of Miles Standish.
And, he follows that up with,

161
00:08:34,576 --> 00:08:39,648
The Song of Hiawatha.
You know the song of Hiawatha?

162
00:08:39,648 --> 00:08:44,759
[drumming to beat of Hiawatha]


163
00:08:44,759 --> 00:08:47,121
By the shores of Gitche Gumee,

164
00:08:47,121 --> 00:08:52,199
by the shining Big-Sea-Waters,
so the wigwam of nakomis,

165
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:58,407
and I don’t know any "mora".
[audience laughing]

166
00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:01,986
He is America’s most popular poet
til this day!

167
00:09:01,986 --> 00:09:05,590
But, along comes 1860,
and what’s about to happen in 1860?

168
00:09:05,590 --> 00:09:07,900
(Audience)
Civil War.

169
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:09,082
Civil War’s about to happen.
Now, Longfellow considers

170
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:12,786
himself a patriot.

171
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:17,534
And, he’ll do anything to keep
the country from splitting apart.

172
00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:21,202
So, he wants to write this stirring saga
that will inspire patriotism in everyone,

173
00:09:21,202 --> 00:09:26,033
except, he’s got a problem.
He’s like Jerry Bruckheimer.

174
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:29,159
He needs a name, and Israel Bissell
isn’t inspiring anybody with his name.

175
00:09:29,159 --> 00:09:34,505
Israel Bissell sounds like
a Jewish vacuum cleaner.

176
00:09:34,505 --> 00:09:35,946
[audience laughing]


177
00:09:35,946 --> 00:09:41,285
So instead, he turns on the guy

178
00:09:41,285 --> 00:09:44,989
who went 19 miles and creates a hero,
because, “Listen my children,

179
00:09:44,989 --> 00:09:48,257
and you shall hear of the midnight ride
of Paul Revere.”

180
00:09:48,257 --> 00:09:50,273
Sounds a whole hell of a lot better than,
“Come along kiddies!

181
00:09:50,273 --> 00:09:56,869
Daddy’s gonna whistle
while he tells you all the story

182
00:09:56,869 --> 00:09:59,911
about Israel Bissell Ahhh!”
We cast our heroes. We always have.

183
00:09:59,911 --> 00:10:02,618
We always will. And let’s face facts.
Paul Revere is better casting

184
00:10:02,618 --> 00:10:07,077
than Israel Bissell, right?
So instead he creates

185
00:10:07,077 --> 00:10:10,340
the Legend of Paul Revere.
And once again, this creates

186
00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:11,725
the Liberty Valance Effect.
When the legend becomes fact,

187
00:10:11,725 --> 00:10:13,806
print the legend.
So, assume the position

188
00:10:13,806 --> 00:10:17,851
that pop culture is history.
A hundred years from now,

189
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:21,698
when the Longfellow 
or the Irving of 2105

190
00:10:21,698 --> 00:10:23,589
decides HE wants to tell 
his story his way,

191
00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:29,156
history may very well show
that Al Gore did invent the internet,

192
00:10:29,156 --> 00:10:31,295
that George W. Bush
was the most articulate statesman

193
00:10:31,295 --> 00:10:33,731
the world has ever known,
and that Michael Jackson

194
00:10:33,731 --> 00:10:40,238
was really the only normal one 
among us all.
[audience laughing]

195
00:10:40,238 --> 00:10:43,184
[upbeat wind instrument]

196
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:45,339
(Tucker Carlson, MSNBC)
In my view, history is…is is an air,

197
00:10:45,339 --> 00:10:48,307
is a morality tale, passion play.

198
00:10:48,307 --> 00:10:50,466
(Sarah Vowell, Author)
I don’t know what history is

199
00:10:50,466 --> 00:10:52,162
I don’t know what history is,
but I know what it isn’t,

200
00:10:52,162 --> 00:10:55,650
and it isn’t the good old days,
a more innocent time when people

201
00:10:55,650 --> 00:11:01,849
were more good, and less beholden
to their pocketbooks and their genitalia.

202
00:11:01,849 --> 00:11:03,640
(Jeff Greenfield, CNN)
I…I think history turns on a dime;

203
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,131
it turns on a plugged nickel.


204
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:07,243
(Tucker Carlson, MSNBC)
History has a purpose. It’s not a random

205
00:11:07,243 --> 00:11:10,098
series of events and facts.
It tells a story, and it’s used

206
00:11:10,098 --> 00:11:13,429
by every generation
to tell stories they find useful.

207
00:11:13,429 --> 00:11:15,181
(Sarah Vowell, Author)
I mean everyone loves a good story,

208
00:11:15,181 --> 00:11:18,076
and I’m just as susceptible to it
as the next guy.

209
00:11:18,076 --> 00:11:19,453
(Jeff Greenfield, CNN)
I do remember a junior high school

210
00:11:19,453 --> 00:11:22,384
teacher of mine explaining that a lot
of the founding fathers were smugglers,

211
00:11:22,384 --> 00:11:24,491
and that’s why they were so opposed
to the British control of…

212
00:11:24,491 --> 00:11:27,734
that’s how they got around
the British imports and taxes,

213
00:11:27,734 --> 00:11:30,990
and I thought, “Really? Smugglers. Hmmm.”
[A More Perfect Union]

214
00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:31,231
I’m going to take it forgranted
that everybody here loves their country.

215
00:11:31,231 --> 00:11:34,699
Now, everybody loves their country
in a little bit different way.

216
00:11:34,699 --> 00:11:39,089
[For] some people,
it’s a love or leave it type of thing.

217
00:11:39,089 --> 00:11:43,534
And, for those of us who have been
married for twenty-plus years,

218
00:11:43,534 --> 00:11:45,900
it’s more of a,
“Sure she pisses me off at times.

219
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:49,128
What the fuck am I gonna do, ya know?”
[audience laughing]

220
00:11:49,128 --> 00:11:53,959
But, all I’ve been hearing about lately
is how great the founding fathers were!

221
00:11:53,959 --> 00:11:57,799
How smart these guys were!
Well, they may have been smart.

222
00:11:57,799 --> 00:12:00,798
They may have been geniuses,
but I know one thing for sure…

223
00:12:00,798 --> 00:12:04,381
they were human.
And, humans make mistakes.

224
00:12:04,381 --> 00:12:08,857
Like in the oh…say the…
first sentence of the Constitution.

225
00:12:08,857 --> 00:12:11,840
[audience chuckling]
Right? Say it with me. We the People…

226
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:13,665
(audience and Wuhl)
Right? Say it with me. We the People…

227
00:12:13,665 --> 00:12:14,929
of the United States, in order to form…

228
00:12:14,929 --> 00:12:16,965
(audience)
a more perfect union…


229
00:12:16,965 --> 00:12:18,007
(Wuhl)
A what?

230
00:12:18,007 --> 00:12:18,994
(audience)
a more…

231
00:12:18,994 --> 00:12:21,985
(Robert Wuhl)
A what? A what? A what?

232
00:12:21,985 --> 00:12:27,216
[audience laughing]
There is no such thing as more perfect.

233
00:12:27,216 --> 00:12:32,411
You’re either perfect or you’re not.
So, right off the bat, our country

234
00:12:32,411 --> 00:12:38,463
is based upon a grammatical fuck up.
[audience laughing]

235
00:12:38,463 --> 00:12:41,043
Who are these founding fathers?
Are they the common man?

236
00:12:41,043 --> 00:12:43,689
Are they the working man?
Hell, no! They’re rich white men

237
00:12:43,689 --> 00:12:48,529
that didn’t want to pay taxes.
Boy, how things have changed!

238
00:12:48,529 --> 00:12:49,824
[audience laughing]
By the way, you know why?

239
00:12:49,824 --> 00:12:54,137
You know why they wore all that stuff?
There was a way to show wealth.

240
00:12:54,137 --> 00:12:58,290
The more material you had on,
you could show off how wealthy you were,

241
00:12:58,290 --> 00:13:02,177
how upper class it was. And I often wonder
myself, if two people wanted to hook up,

242
00:13:02,177 --> 00:13:05,083
what did they have to take off, ok?
For example, a woman…


243
00:13:05,083 --> 00:13:10,440
[audience laughing] a woman
would have to take off her cap,

244
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:17,751
a heavily embroidered, brocade gown,
laced down the back with 26 grommets,

245
00:13:17,751 --> 00:13:24,164
under that a petticoat with dozens
of hooks lacing up the back, right?

246
00:13:24,164 --> 00:13:28,733
She has a farmingdale.
That’s this wide thing…

247
00:13:28,733 --> 00:13:32,069
it has clothes with 19…I tell ya,
this is the only time it paid

248
00:13:32,069 --> 00:13:36,220
to be a peasant.
They had no rules--no worry.

249
00:13:36,220 --> 00:13:38,221
They just went ahead and just did
what they had to do.


250
00:13:38,221 --> 00:13:46,742
[audience laughing]
He has to wear a tricorn hat, a perry wig,

251
00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:53,702
[female screaming in ecstasy]
a heavily embroidered
brocade coat with 32 gold buttons,

252
00:13:53,702 --> 00:13:57,755
flared sleeves and laced sleeves,
a brocaded vest

253
00:13:57,755 --> 00:14:03,337
with more than 20 buttons.
The kneel…I think it’s safe

254
00:14:03,337 --> 00:14:05,749
to assume the position
that there was no such thing

255
00:14:05,749 --> 00:14:15,930
as a colonial quickie.
[audience laughing and applauding]

256
00:14:15,930 --> 00:14:17,472
You didn’t think you were going
to have show-and-tell, did you?
[audience laughing]

257
00:14:17,472 --> 00:14:23,336
[As American as Apple Pie]
I call this, “As American as Apple Pie.”

258
00:14:23,336 --> 00:14:26,857
Now, this refers to something
that we think is a recent phenomenon,

259
00:14:26,857 --> 00:14:29,365
but I—I assume the position
that it’s been around forever.

260
00:14:29,365 --> 00:14:37,349
Tonight’s topic will be... “Star Fucking”.
[audience laughing]

261
00:14:37,349 --> 00:14:39,714
Now, I gotta tell you I have
no political agenda whatsoever.

262
00:14:39,714 --> 00:14:42,191
My dad was a republican,
my mom was a democrat,

263
00:14:42,191 --> 00:14:44,197
so I kind of see both sides
of every issue.

264
00:14:44,197 --> 00:14:48,431
That said, my wife
is to the left of Lenin.

265
00:14:48,431 --> 00:14:53,684
[audience laughing]
I mean, she sees this guy.

266
00:14:53,684 --> 00:14:57,000
She goes berserk.
How did this guy get to be governor?

267
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:01,768
This guy? He’s a celebrity!
It shouldn’t be a popularity contest.

268
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:04,845
And I look at her and I go,
“What? Are you out of your mind?”

269
00:15:04,845 --> 00:15:08,330
All elections are popularity contests,
since the beginning of time.

270
00:15:08,330 --> 00:15:11,358
I don’t care if it’s the prom queen,
class president,

271
00:15:11,358 --> 00:15:14,466
or President of the United States.
Whoever wins is the most

272
00:15:14,466 --> 00:15:18,046
popular person at that time.
Who are our first celebrities?

273
00:15:18,046 --> 00:15:21,841
The war heroes, right?
Let’s start with um, our old buddy here,

274
00:15:21,841 --> 00:15:24,384
George Washington.
[audience laughing]

275
00:15:24,384 --> 00:15:26,830
OK…George.
He was the hero of the revolution.

276
00:15:26,830 --> 00:15:30,835
Do you know how many battles he fought?
Nine. You know how many he actually won?

277
00:15:30,835 --> 00:15:31,974
(male student)
Zero.

278
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,243
(Robert Wuhl)
Three. Three. Zero, we wouldn’t be here,

279
00:15:34,243 --> 00:15:41,218
if he won zero.
[audience laughing]

280
00:15:41,218 --> 00:15:44,909
But actually, he won three,
so that makes his record three and six.

281
00:15:44,909 --> 00:15:46,676
Three and six?
Three and six doesn’t get you

282
00:15:46,676 --> 00:15:49,207
into the Gator Bowl,
leave alone the White House, right?

283
00:15:49,207 --> 00:15:54,884
But, we elected George Washington. Why?
Because he was a star, and star fucking is…

284
00:15:54,884 --> 00:15:58,383
(audience in unison)
as American as apple pie.

285
00:15:58,383 --> 00:16:00,798

How about our next guy, Andrew Jackson,

286
00:16:00,798 --> 00:16:05,379
hero of the Battle of New Orleans
during the War of 1812.

287
00:16:05,379 --> 00:16:08,327
Ahh, by the way, we don’t hear much
about the war of 1812, do we?

288
00:16:08,327 --> 00:16:10,325
You think it’s because
we got our ass kicked?

289
00:16:10,325 --> 00:16:12,797
[audience and Robert Wuhl laughs]
Missed that one, huh?

290
00:16:12,797 --> 00:16:15,473
Actually, one of the few battles
we win is the Battle of New Orleans,

291
00:16:15,473 --> 00:16:17,181
and, does anybody know…
where’s my history majors?

292
00:16:17,181 --> 00:16:19,748
What makes the Battle of New Orleans
unique?

293
00:16:19,748 --> 00:16:21,221
(Male Student)
The war is over.

294
00:16:21,221 --> 00:16:22,358
(Female Student)
Yeah.

295
00:16:22,358 --> 00:16:23,635
(Robert Wuhl)
It’s fought when the war is over.

296
00:16:23,635 --> 00:16:25,946
You know, I’ve always found
that when one side says,

297
00:16:25,946 --> 00:16:29,106
“You know, let’s go home,”
and the other guy goes, “Attack!”

298
00:16:29,106 --> 00:16:34,964
That side usually wins.
[audience laughing]

299
00:16:34,964 --> 00:16:38,322
But, we elect Andrew Jackson. Why?
Because Jackson’s a star

300
00:16:38,322 --> 00:16:39,595
and star fucking is…

301
00:16:39,595 --> 00:16:42,740
(audience)
as American as apple pie.

302
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:46,344
The next guy up--the most popular man
of the 19th century, more popular

303
00:16:46,344 --> 00:16:49,969
than Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant,
hero of the Civil War,

304
00:16:49,969 --> 00:16:53,504
and one of the great
all-time American drunks.

305
00:16:53,504 --> 00:16:56,611
[audience laughing]
I said drunk--not an alcoholic.

306
00:16:56,611 --> 00:16:58,007
You know the old joke between—
what’s the difference between

307
00:16:58,007 --> 00:16:59,575
a drunk and an alcoholic?
Drunks don’t have to go

308
00:16:59,575 --> 00:17:04,864
to those meetings!
[audience laughing]

309
00:17:04,864 --> 00:17:07,421
But, America elects Grant,
because Grant’s a star,

310
00:17:07,421 --> 00:17:08,727
and star fucking is…


311
00:17:08,727 --> 00:17:11,509
(audience)
as American as apple pie.

312
00:17:11,509 --> 00:17:14,350
In the 20th century, media changes.
So, now we got more than

313
00:17:14,350 --> 00:17:16,890
just newspapers and war heroes.
Now, we have media heroes.

314
00:17:16,890 --> 00:17:19,403
We have actors, we have TV,
we have radio.

315
00:17:19,403 --> 00:17:23,554
So, it’s not uncommon to see
celebrities become politicians.

316
00:17:23,554 --> 00:17:25,879
I mean for…I mean, I dunno—
it’s like—of course,

317
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:28,800
we had Ronald Reagan,
we had an actor, become a politician.

318
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:35,344
We also had a basketball player,
a wrestler, a gopher,

319
00:17:35,344 --> 00:17:42,947
a non-alcoholic beverage.
[audience laughing]

320
00:17:42,947 --> 00:17:46,410
So, if say…Alec Baldwin
decides to run for office,

321
00:17:46,410 --> 00:17:49,103
it’s not the exception. It’s the norm.
In the 1800s, the biggest star

322
00:17:49,103 --> 00:17:54,227
in America was Edwin Booth.
He may have had political aspirations,

323
00:17:54,227 --> 00:17:57,538
but unfortunately, his brother,
John Wilkes, put the kibosh on that.

324
00:17:57,538 --> 00:18:00,081
[single gunshot]
So, if I were Alec Baldwin,

325
00:18:00,081 --> 00:18:02,799
personally, I’d be on the lookout
for Steven Baldwin.

326
00:18:02,799 --> 00:18:07,781
[audience laughing]
I’ll tell you something else

327
00:18:07,781 --> 00:18:11,774
that’s American as apple pie.
[rhythm of We Will Rock You]

328
00:18:11,774 --> 00:18:15,886
You’re at the stadium. Everybody…
[rhythm of “We Will Rock You”]

329
00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:18,870
OK. No matter what the score is,
everybody gets into this, right?

330
00:18:18,870 --> 00:18:20,477
They’re all unified.

331
00:18:20,477 --> 00:18:22,993
(Female Singer)
Buddy you’re a boy

332
00:18:22,993 --> 00:18:24,957
(Wuhl joins in)
make a big noise, playin’ in the street,

333
00:18:24,957 --> 00:18:26,818
gonna be a big man someday.
Everybody, c’mon! You got mud

334
00:18:26,818 --> 00:18:28,838
on yo’ face, you big disgrace,

335
00:18:28,838 --> 00:18:31,527
(class joins in)
kickin’ your can all over the place.

336
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:38,214
Singin’, we will we will rock you.
Yeah, everybody! Everybody together!

337
00:18:38,214 --> 00:18:41,388
We will we will rock you.
We got a battle cry!

338
00:18:41,388 --> 00:18:43,819
We’ll follow you, man!
And, who are we following?

339
00:18:43,819 --> 00:18:47,263
Who we gonna follow?
We’re following Freddie Mercury, man!

340
00:18:47,263 --> 00:18:52,971
[audience laughing]
That’s who we’re following.

341
00:18:52,971 --> 00:18:57,007
I guarantee you, 90% of the people
in that stadium wouldn’t follow

342
00:18:57,007 --> 00:19:03,008
Freddie Mercury into the front door 
of their own home.

343
00:19:03,008 --> 00:19:10,121
But, right now, we’ll follow him to hell.
[audience laughing]
How come? Because, he’s created


344
00:19:10,121 --> 00:19:13,112

a gay battle cry.
[audience chuckling]
A gay battle cry unites the crowd.

345
00:19:13,112 --> 00:19:15,922
Now, you might think this is a
totally unique situation,

346
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:18,975
and I would assume the position
that gay battle cries are

347
00:19:18,975 --> 00:19:23,384
(Wuhl and audience)
as American as apple pie.

348
00:19:24,547 --> 00:19:25,316
[audience laughing]

349
00:19:25,316 --> 00:19:26,934
Now, I know what you’re thinking.

350
00:19:26,934 --> 00:19:35,645
Mr. Wuhl, now you’ve gone too far.
I would say, look no farther for proof

351
00:19:35,645 --> 00:19:39,503
than the quintessential American
sing-along song. It used to go

352
00:19:39,503 --> 00:19:45,863
something like this.
[Yankee Doodle song]

353
00:19:45,863 --> 00:19:48,253
Yankee Doodle went to town,
riding on a pony. Everyone!

354
00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:49,890
(Everyone)
Stuck a feather in his hat

355
00:19:49,890 --> 00:19:52,388
and called it macaroni.
OK, raise your hand if you ever wondered

356
00:19:52,388 --> 00:19:56,188
why the hell he called it macaroni.
[audience laughing]

357
00:19:56,188 --> 00:20:04,134
Why call it macaroni?
During the 1700s, in London,

358
00:20:04,134 --> 00:20:07,775
which is where this song originated,
there was a very, very, very, very,

359
00:20:07,775 --> 00:20:11,542
notorious club known as
the “Macaroni Club”.

360
00:20:11,542 --> 00:20:15,895
The Macaroni Club consisted of a feet,
dandy, foppish, young men

361
00:20:15,895 --> 00:20:19,332
who would gather together
to discuss the latest in fashion,

362
00:20:19,332 --> 00:20:21,064
culture, and cuisine.
Basically, we are talking

363
00:20:21,064 --> 00:20:26,618
“ye old queer eye”.
[audience laughing]

364
00:20:26,618 --> 00:20:30,324
Now, the word “yankee” actually comes
from the Dutch word, “yok”,

365
00:20:30,324 --> 00:20:34,296
which means like a rube, a hick, a hillbilly.
So, what the upper-class Brits

366
00:20:34,296 --> 00:20:37,108
were actually saying is,
here comes this yankee into town,

367
00:20:37,108 --> 00:20:41,980
this yankee doodle, and he’s probably
gonna wind up at the old Macaroni Club.

368
00:20:41,980 --> 00:20:44,623
I have no idea where he put the feather.

369
00:20:44,623 --> 00:20:47,477
[audience laughing]
But, the only thing that the Brits

370
00:20:47,477 --> 00:20:52,915
hated worse than the “poofs” in London,
were these asshole American colonists

371
00:20:52,915 --> 00:20:56,479
across the pond causing trouble.
So, they decide to insult all of us

372
00:20:56,479 --> 00:21:00,121
by calling all of us yankee doodles
and doing this song.

373
00:21:00,121 --> 00:21:03,475
But, we don’t know anything
about a Macaroni Club, but we knew

374
00:21:03,475 --> 00:21:08,154
a good tune when we heard one.
[audience laughing]

375
00:21:08,154 --> 00:21:12,499
So, we ran with it!
So, the next time you hear,

376
00:21:12,499 --> 00:21:14,608
“We Will Rock You”,
you think of “Yankee Doodle”,

377
00:21:14,608 --> 00:21:16,644
because gay battle cries are…


378
00:21:16,644 --> 00:21:19,650
(audience)
as American as apple pie.

379
00:21:19,650 --> 00:21:26,493
[Yankee Doodle song]

380
00:21:26,493 --> 00:21:28,380
[background music]
(Tucker Carlson, MSNBC)
Personal favorite historic—yeah,

381
00:21:28,380 --> 00:21:30,640
Teddy Roosevelt was a complete
bad ass, total bad ass.

382
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:34,384
Swam every day in Rock Creek,
naked, played squash every day,

383
00:21:34,384 --> 00:21:37,308
invited heads of state, foreign heads
of state over to the White House

384
00:21:37,308 --> 00:21:40,533
and then challenged them
to boxing matches.

385
00:21:40,533 --> 00:21:41,603
(Sarah Vowell, Author)
I guess Louis Armstrong.

386
00:21:41,603 --> 00:21:44,306
He was…when I was a little girl,
I wanted to be Louis Armstrong.

387
00:21:44,306 --> 00:21:47,875
And uh, so I was a trumpet player.
In fact, I’m just a failed trumpet player.

388
00:21:47,875 --> 00:21:49,839
(David Cross, Humorist)
You know, a lot of things I think

389
00:21:49,839 --> 00:21:58,717
about historically probably
have to do with art or literature.

390
00:21:58,717 --> 00:22:02,616
Ah, um…I dunno…who did
the first um…porn on VHS?

391
00:22:02,616 --> 00:22:03,753
(Jeff Greenfield, CNN)
You know, Alexander Hamilton

392
00:22:03,753 --> 00:22:05,146
was the first Secretary of the Treasury,

393
00:22:05,146 --> 00:22:08,469
but he was also the…the protagonist
of America’s first sex scandal.

394
00:22:08,469 --> 00:22:13,225
Um, it’s a wonderful story.
He was accused by his republican/

395
00:22:13,225 --> 00:22:18,594
democratic opponents of um…
paying somebody off for some kind

396
00:22:18,594 --> 00:22:20,457
of economic gain, and he wrote this…
he published this long thing.


397
00:22:20,457 --> 00:22:23,768
He said, “No, no, no.
No, they were blackmailing me,

398
00:22:23,768 --> 00:22:27,810
because I was sleeping with his wife.


399
00:22:27,810 --> 00:22:29,808
[I Shit You Not]

400
00:22:29,808 --> 00:22:33,768
(Robert Wuhl) I shit you not.
[audience laughing]

401
00:22:33,768 --> 00:22:37,888
There’s a sort of history vice
such as…this is the great racehorse,

402
00:22:37,888 --> 00:22:41,430
Man of War.
Between 1919 and 1920,

403
00:22:41,430 --> 00:22:44,622
Man of War raced twenty-one times.
You know how many times it won?

404
00:22:44,622 --> 00:22:47,490
Twenty. Won twenty, lost one race.
Lost to a horse named Upset.

405
00:22:47,490 --> 00:22:52,667
Now, what’s interesting about this
is up to this point, “upset” meant,

406
00:22:52,667 --> 00:22:55,395
I’m very upset with you,
or I have an upset stomach.

407
00:22:55,395 --> 00:22:59,118
But, from this moment forward,
anytime the underdog beat a favorite,

408
00:22:59,118 --> 00:23:00,716
he was said to have pulled an…

409
00:23:00,716 --> 00:23:02,016
(audience)
upset.

410
00:23:02,016 --> 00:23:05,580
And that’s where the term comes from.
I shit you not.

411
00:23:05,580 --> 00:23:09,212
This is George Grant, son of slaves.
In 1870, George Grant becomes

412
00:23:09,212 --> 00:23:12,717
the first African-American graduate
of Harvard Dental School.

413
00:23:12,717 --> 00:23:17,589
He then goes on to develop the first
device for cleft-palate patients.

414
00:23:17,589 --> 00:23:23,978
But then, he invents something that

415
00:23:23,978 --> 00:23:25,146
revolutionizes every doctor’s practice…
the golf tee.

416
00:23:25,146 --> 00:23:26,696
[audience laughing]

417
00:23:26,696 --> 00:23:29,926
Thereby cementing his place
in American Medical History.

418
00:23:29,926 --> 00:23:32,066
Dr. George Grant,
inventor of the golf tee.

419
00:23:32,066 --> 00:23:34,606
I shit you not.
[audience laughing]

420
00:23:34,606 --> 00:23:37,743
According to the Guinness Book
of World Records, the book most often

421
00:23:37,743 --> 00:23:41,837
stolen from libraries every year is
“The Guinness Book of World Records.”

422
00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:45,893
[audience laughing]
I shit you not.

423
00:23:45,893 --> 00:23:49,948
Alfred Nobel. We know Alfred Nobel,
founder of the great

424
00:23:49,948 --> 00:23:53,304
Alfred Nobel foundation.

425
00:23:53,304 --> 00:23:54,368
Who can tell me, where did Alfred Nobel
make all his money from?

426
00:23:54,368 --> 00:23:55,542
(Audience)
Dynamite.

427
00:23:55,542 --> 00:23:59,233
He invented dynamite! Dynamite!
This son of a bitch blew up half the world--

428
00:23:59,233 --> 00:24:04,411
has the balls to get a peace prize.
[audience laughing]

429
00:24:04,411 --> 00:24:08,521
Edward Hyde, cousin of Queen Anne.
Edward Hyde becomes Lord Cornbury,

430
00:24:08,521 --> 00:24:11,588
and becomes the colonial governor
of New York and New Jersey

431
00:24:11,588 --> 00:24:14,617
in the early 1700s.
He becomes a man that was so corrupt

432
00:24:14,617 --> 00:24:17,321
that it is said that he did more
than any other single individual

433
00:24:17,321 --> 00:24:21,242
to unite the colonies against Britain.
Oh, by the way, he had one other quirk

434
00:24:21,242 --> 00:24:28,225
that pissed people off.
This is the actual portrait of him

435
00:24:28,225 --> 00:24:29,223
that hangs in the New York
Historical Society.

436
00:24:29,223 --> 00:24:32,208
Lord Cornbury, America’s
first transvestite governor.

437
00:24:32,208 --> 00:24:35,214
I shit you not.
[audience laughing]

438
00:24:35,214 --> 00:24:39,464
Ben Affleck has an Oscar.
I shit you not.

439
00:24:39,464 --> 00:24:45,551
[audience laughing and applauding]

440
00:24:45,551 --> 00:24:48,281
The Hundred Years War
lasted a hundred sixteen years.

441
00:24:48,281 --> 00:24:51,508
[audience laughing]

442
00:24:51,508 --> 00:24:53,278
Who was the Hundred Years War
fought between?

443
00:24:53,278 --> 00:24:54,775
(Male Student)
French and English

444
00:24:54,775 --> 00:24:57,623
Ahhhhh. One person. One person!
French and English, this is amazing,

445
00:24:57,623 --> 00:24:59,496
hundred sixteen years war,
and only one person remembers?

446
00:24:59,496 --> 00:25:01,245
You know how long
a hundred sixteen years is?

447
00:25:01,245 --> 00:25:06,593
That’s from…ah…1890 til next May.
[audience laughing]

448
00:25:06,593 --> 00:25:09,980
One person remembered,
but I guarantee ya everybody in this room

449
00:25:09,980 --> 00:25:11,183
remembers something that came out of it.

450
00:25:11,183 --> 00:25:13,160
Yes, first of all, it was fought
between the English and the French.

451
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,512
The reason was, because Britain believed
that France belonged to them.

452
00:25:16,512 --> 00:25:21,007
Now, historically, Britain always believes
that everything belongs to them.

453
00:25:21,007 --> 00:25:23,229
[audience chuckling]
But something happens during this war.

454
00:25:23,229 --> 00:25:26,751
First of all, the first great piece
of long-range artillery is introduced

455
00:25:26,751 --> 00:25:29,222
during this war.
It is the English longbow.

456
00:25:29,222 --> 00:25:34,188
Uh, known as the machine gun of its time,
it was made from the English yew tree.

457
00:25:34,188 --> 00:25:37,059
Y-E-W…very strong tree, and you would…
and what you would do is you pull back

458
00:25:37,059 --> 00:25:39,167
with your middle finger, you would
pull back on the bow, and pluck.

459
00:25:39,167 --> 00:25:42,481
This was known as “plucking the yew”.

460
00:25:42,481 --> 00:25:47,394
You could hit targets from 250 yards away
with the long bow.

461
00:25:47,394 --> 00:25:50,815
The French hated the long bow
and feared it so much that whenever

462
00:25:50,815 --> 00:25:55,008
they would capture a British soldier,
they would chop off their middle finger

463
00:25:55,008 --> 00:25:58,159
making them unable to shoot.
Look there, bligh there, mate!

464
00:25:58,159 --> 00:26:02,527
I can’t pluck me yew!
[audience chuckling]

465
00:26:02,527 --> 00:26:06,201
I can’t pluck me yew!
I got no middle finger!

466
00:26:06,201 --> 00:26:10,084
But, the tide turns
at the Battle of Agincourt

467
00:26:10,084 --> 00:26:15,417
where 20,000 Frenchmen
have 5,000 Englishmen surrounded.

468
00:26:15,417 --> 00:26:21,272
They are so overconfident that the night
before, they had this victory party.

469
00:26:21,272 --> 00:26:23,308
They had the croissants,
a little pate, a little wine…

470
00:26:23,308 --> 00:26:33,415
[Wuhl sings La Vie En Rose]

471
00:26:33,415 --> 00:26:36,200
Meanwhile, the English rally…
and, who do they rally around?

472
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:39,551
Henry V—this is the Henry V
battle of Agincourt where Henry

473
00:26:39,551 --> 00:26:42,211
rallies everyone and says,
“Once more into the breach,

474
00:26:42,211 --> 00:26:45,631
ye men, ye merry men,
ye band of brothers!”

475
00:26:45,631 --> 00:26:53,355
And, the greatest upset since David,
the British defeat the French.

476
00:26:53,355 --> 00:26:56,230
Not only do they defeat the French,
but to taunt the French,

477
00:26:56,230 --> 00:26:59,547
they would hold up their hands, 
showing they still had their middle finger


478
00:26:59,547 --> 00:27:00,865
and say, “Hey! Froggy,

479
00:27:00,865 --> 00:27:04,798
I still got me middle finger!
I can still pluck you!

480
00:27:04,798 --> 00:27:08,335
I can still pluck you!”
The “pl” became anglocized to “f”,

481
00:27:08,335 --> 00:27:10,403
and that’s where you get,
“I can fuck you”.

482
00:27:10,403 --> 00:27:11,879
[audience laughing]

483
00:27:11,879 --> 00:27:15,036
And that’s the legend of where
giving the finger comes from.

484
00:27:15,036 --> 00:27:20,893
Is it true? It doesn’t matter!
It’s the legend.

485
00:27:20,893 --> 00:27:22,218
And, when the legend becomes fact…

486
00:27:22,218 --> 00:27:24,406
(audience)
print the legend.

487
00:27:24,406 --> 00:27:26,338
I want to thank everyone
for attending class today.

488
00:27:26,338 --> 00:27:35,223
I appreciate it. Class dismissed!
[audience cheering and applauding]
[upbeat music]

489
00:27:35,223 --> 00:27:39,187
(Wuhl)
Thank you. Thank you.

490
00:27:39,187 --> 00:27:50,137
(Sarah Vowell, Author)
When I was a little kid, my parents

491
00:27:50,137 --> 00:27:54,600
had this record in their record collection
called, “History Repeats Itself”.

492
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:59,382
And it was this whole list of 
Lincoln/Kennedy

493
00:27:59,382 --> 00:28:01,093
assassination coincidences.

494
00:28:01,093 --> 00:28:03,205
[Sarah hums to “America the Beautiful”
while Wuhl speaks]

495
00:28:03,205 --> 00:28:04,849
Lincoln has a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy has a secretary named Lincoln.

496
00:28:04,849 --> 00:28:08,757
Ahh…both were shot in front of their wives.

497
00:28:08,757 --> 00:28:10,109
(Sarah)
Uh huh.

498
00:28:10,109 --> 00:28:11,910
(Wuhl)
Ahhh… John Wilkes Booth…

499
00:28:11,910 --> 00:28:13,024
(Sarah)
I got tired of humming.

500
00:28:13,024 --> 00:28:14,354
(Wuhl)
OK. Ja -w-w-w-k-do you have-OK…

501
00:28:14,354 --> 00:28:16,350
John Wilkes Boothand Lee Harvey Oswald


502
00:28:16,350 --> 00:28:18,164
had the same amount
of letters in their names.

503
00:28:18,164 --> 00:28:24,136
Right, and ah, Oswald shoots Kennedy
and runs to a theater…

504
00:28:24,136 --> 00:28:28,560
Oh, Oswald shoots Kennedy
in a warehouse and runs to a theater.

505
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:32,876
Booth shoots Lincoln in a theater
and runs to a warehouse,

506
00:28:32,876 --> 00:28:34,917
which is actually a barn, but…

507
00:28:34,917 --> 00:28:39,690
(Wuhl)
OK. Lincoln is born in a log cabin.

508
00:28:39,690 --> 00:28:42,573
Kennedy once spilled
Lob Cabin syrup in his dad’s Lincoln.

509
00:28:42,573 --> 00:28:58,335
[Sarah and Wuhl laugh]

510
00:28:58,335 --> 00:29:04,520


511
00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:06,348
[air blowing]
[note on an organ]

512
00:29:06,348 --> 00:29:09,687
[schoolbell] R-r-r-r-i-n-n-g-g-g!

513
00:29:09,687 --> 00:29:10,711
[percussion and synthesizer music]

514
00:29:10,711 --> 00:29:11,821
I wanna welcome everybody
to “Assume the Position 201.”

515
00:29:11,821 --> 00:29:13,473
[audience applauding]
I want to thank everyone

516
00:29:13,473 --> 00:29:16,873
for attending class,
which once again are the stories

517
00:29:16,873 --> 00:29:23,507
that made up America, 
and the stories that America made up.

518
00:29:23,507 --> 00:29:31,674
Today, I am going to assume the position
that history is based on a true story.

519
00:29:31,674 --> 00:29:33,128
[audience laughing]
And the story I’m going to tell you

520
00:29:33,128 --> 00:29:33,975
about today is about our most exclusive
country club—our Chief Executives.

521
00:29:33,975 --> 00:29:41,223
Talk about members only.
[audience laughing]

522
00:29:41,223 --> 00:29:48,993
In 218 years, only 42 of ‘em.
And, I gotta say, for a country

523
00:29:48,993 --> 00:29:58,715
that’s been built upon diversity…
[audience laughing]

524
00:29:58,715 --> 00:30:01,402
Not a whole lotta hell of it up there,
is there?

525
00:30:01,402 --> 00:30:06,520
In fact, the only diversity
I see up there is facial hair. That’s it!

526
00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:09,959
First 15 presidents before Lincoln—
no facial hair.

527
00:30:09,959 --> 00:30:14,334
Next 7 out of 8—facial hair.
[audience laughing]

528
00:30:14,334 --> 00:30:16,839
And the only reason Andrew Johnson
doesn’t have any is, because

529
00:30:16,839 --> 00:30:19,722
Lincoln got shot, and he didn’t have
enough time to grow a beard.

530
00:30:19,722 --> 00:30:22,471
[audience laughing]

531
00:30:22,471 --> 00:30:26,307
Now, in my lifetime, there have been
10 different presidents.

532
00:30:26,307 --> 00:30:29,993
Some good, some not so good,
all of them clean shaven,

533
00:30:29,993 --> 00:30:33,945
and none of them could get rid of Castro.
[audience laughing]

534
00:30:33,945 --> 00:30:38,618
His secret? Facial hair!
[audience laughing]

535
00:30:38,618 --> 00:30:41,434
But, for the first time
in this upcoming election,

536
00:30:41,434 --> 00:30:48,124
there is a very real possibility
that a white male may NOT be elected

537
00:30:48,124 --> 00:30:50,143
to our nation’s highest office.

538
00:30:50,143 --> 00:30:53,512
In fact, there is a real chance
that we could have a white woman

539
00:30:53,512 --> 00:30:57,874
and a black man running
on the same national party ticket.

540
00:30:57,874 --> 00:31:00,348
That’s groundbreaking. That’s monumental.

541
00:31:00,348 --> 00:31:05,028
This has never happened
in the history of our country since 1872.

542
00:31:05,028 --> 00:31:09,772
[audience laughing]

543
00:31:09,772 --> 00:31:14,614
In 1872, this was the presidential ticket
for the Equal Rights Party.

544
00:31:14,614 --> 00:31:18,457
The vice-presidential candidate
was the abolitionist, Frederick Douglass,

545
00:31:18,457 --> 00:31:21,522
a former slave who later became
the leading orator of his time.

546
00:31:21,522 --> 00:31:25,656
And the presidential candidate
was the, oh, so controversial

547
00:31:25,656 --> 00:31:30,839
Victoria Woodhull,who despite
the fact that women won’t have the right

548
00:31:30,839 --> 00:31:34,233
to vote for almost another 50 years,
becomes the first woman

549
00:31:34,233 --> 00:31:37,781
to run for president.

550
00:31:37,781 --> 00:31:40,196
Along with Susan B. Anthony
and Elizabeth Cady Stanton,

551
00:31:40,196 --> 00:31:44,541
Woodhull is the superstar
of the Women’s Suffrage Movement.

552
00:31:44,541 --> 00:31:47,472
But, what makes her controversial
is she not only believes

553
00:31:47,472 --> 00:31:52,503
in a woman’s right to vote, she believes
in a woman’s right for free love.

554
00:31:52,503 --> 00:31:56,800
And, by free love, she means sex.

555
00:31:56,800 --> 00:32:00,835
She means sex with who she wants,
when she wants, where she wants.

556
00:32:00,835 --> 00:32:04,667
[audience laughing]
Personally, I’d rather party with Vicky.

557
00:32:04,667 --> 00:32:08,128
[audience laughing]
Look at her. She’s got a little ah…

558
00:32:08,128 --> 00:32:13,405
Maggie Gyllenhaal thing
going on there, doesn’t she?

559
00:32:13,405 --> 00:32:15,269
[audience laughing]
But, the fact that she wants

560
00:32:15,269 --> 00:32:21,600
to come…means she’s gotta go!
[audience laughing]

561
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:23,938
In fact, she’s so controversial,
even her own two buddies

562
00:32:23,938 --> 00:32:29,762
kick her off “The View”.
[audience laughing]
[slinging sound]

563
00:32:29,762 --> 00:32:32,470
The thought of Victoria Woodhull
becoming president obviously

564
00:32:32,470 --> 00:32:33,922
frightened a lot of people.

565
00:32:33,922 --> 00:32:37,490
Me? I’m an equal rights guy. I believe
that women should have every right

566
00:32:37,490 --> 00:32:40,937
to be just as incompetent as men.
[audience laughing]

567
00:32:40,937 --> 00:32:44,479
I mean in retrospect, could she possibly
have been any worse than this guy?

568
00:32:44,479 --> 00:32:49,589
Franklin Pierce, in 1852, little known
rich kid Senator Franklin Pierce

569
00:32:49,589 --> 00:32:53,655
wakes up one morning and says,
“You know? I’m clean shaven;

570
00:32:53,655 --> 00:32:57,592
I’m gonna run for president.”
However, he’s got obstacles.

571
00:32:57,592 --> 00:32:59,833
His two rivals 
to the democratic nomination

572
00:32:59,833 --> 00:33:07,480
are Steven Douglas
who stood an imposing 4’6”…

573
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:09,131
[audience laughing]
and James Buchannan,

574
00:33:09,131 --> 00:33:13,846
a lifelong bachelor who many thought
led an alternative lifestyle.

575
00:33:13,846 --> 00:33:14,221
OK, this is not the toughest competition
in the world, right? This is like

576
00:33:14,221 --> 00:33:25,900
beating Mini-Me and Lance Bass.
[audience laughing]

577
00:33:25,900 --> 00:33:28,196
OK, so Pierce gets the nomination,
but still, nationally,

578
00:33:28,196 --> 00:33:30,324
he’s not very well known.


579
00:33:30,324 --> 00:33:32,642
So, he’s gotta get out the word,
and how d’ya get out the word?

580
00:33:32,642 --> 00:33:36,568
The same way you do now.
You gotta use the media.

581
00:33:36,568 --> 00:33:39,635
But, what is media back then in 1852?
There’s no radio,

582
00:33:39,635 --> 00:33:44,227
there’s no TV, there’s no webcast,
there’s no podcast, there’s no outcast.

583
00:33:44,227 --> 00:33:47,158
[audience laughing]
No, what you have is books.

584
00:33:47,158 --> 00:33:49,507
Books are everything.
So, he puts out a book,

585
00:33:49,507 --> 00:33:51,825
but the question is, OK,
it’s one thing to put out a book.

586
00:33:51,825 --> 00:33:54,503
It’s another thing
to get people to read it.

587
00:33:54,503 --> 00:33:56,446
It all comes down to who’s telling…

588
00:33:56,446 --> 00:33:57,926
(audience)
the story.

589
00:33:57,926 --> 00:34:01,158
And who’s telling Pierce’s story?
None other than his old college

590
00:34:01,158 --> 00:34:06,086
drinking buddy by the name
of Nathaniel Hawthorne.

591
00:34:06,086 --> 00:34:08,986
That’s his college buddy.

592
00:34:08,986 --> 00:34:11,863
Only the biggest pop culture figure
of his time, right?

593
00:34:11,863 --> 00:34:14,214
He has just written
back-to-back best sellers.

594
00:34:14,214 --> 00:34:17,798
First, The Scarlet Letter,
a love triangle about adultery—

595
00:34:17,798 --> 00:34:26,425
it’s sort of the original Grey’s Anatomy.
[audience laughing]

596
00:34:26,425 --> 00:34:30,670
Then he follows that with
The House of the Seven Gables.

597
00:34:30,670 --> 00:34:33,165
That’s the original, romantic,
haunted house story.

598
00:34:33,165 --> 00:34:38,839
It’s sort of a cross between
The Notebook and Saw.

599
00:34:38,839 --> 00:34:41,356
[buzzing saw, audience laughs]
So, Hawthorne’s now two for two.

600
00:34:41,356 --> 00:34:46,461
He’s like J.T. Follow Me
and Cry Me a River sexy bath.

601
00:34:46,461 --> 00:34:48,600
[audience laughing]
Everybody wants to know

602
00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:49,444
what’s Hawthorne going to write next.

603
00:34:49,444 --> 00:34:50,942
What story is Hawthorne
going to tell next?

604
00:34:50,942 --> 00:34:52,203
And, what story is he going to tell next?

605
00:34:52,203 --> 00:34:58,613
Well, he’s going to tell the story
of his good buddy, Franklin Pierce.

606
00:34:58,613 --> 00:35:01,522
Now, think about this...
Hawthorne putting his brand

607
00:35:01,522 --> 00:35:04,851
on somebody’s biography
would be like Tom Clancy

608
00:35:04,851 --> 00:35:10,215
writing “The Hunt” for Mitt Romney.
[audience laughing]

609
00:35:10,215 --> 00:35:12,977
Or, J.K. Rowling
writing Dennis Kucinich

610
00:35:12,977 --> 00:35:19,584
and A Cold Day in Hell.
[audience laughing]

611
00:35:19,584 --> 00:35:22,592
But, the fact is, millions of people
would read those books.

612
00:35:22,592 --> 00:35:27,061
And millions of people read Hawthorne’s,
“The Life of Franklin Pierce.”

613
00:35:27,061 --> 00:35:33,158
And this is what we would call today,
based on a true story.

614
00:35:33,158 --> 00:35:38,153
Now, when we hear the term,
based on a true story today,

615
00:35:38,153 --> 00:35:39,433
we generally don’t think
about books, do we?

616
00:35:39,433 --> 00:35:40,448
We usually think about it in movies.

617
00:35:40,448 --> 00:35:42,099
For example, this movie,
A Beautiful Mind.

618
00:35:42,099 --> 00:35:44,996
It told the inspiring story
of mathematician, John Nash,

619
00:35:44,996 --> 00:35:48,469
who went from schizophrenia,
to the Nobel Prize,

620
00:35:48,469 --> 00:35:52,469
into the arms
of a woman he loved. The end.

621
00:35:52,469 --> 00:35:55,802
Now, the filmmakers did leave out
a few details of Nash’s life.

622
00:35:55,802 --> 00:35:58,183
They left out the fact
that John Nash fathered a child

623
00:35:58,183 --> 00:36:00,915
out of wedlock and was a deadbeat dad.

624
00:36:00,915 --> 00:36:03,863
They left out the fact 
that John Nash, when delusional,

625
00:36:03,863 --> 00:36:07,153
went on anti semitic rants
that would have make Mel Gibson go,

626
00:36:07,153 --> 00:36:15,381
“Holy Fuck!”
[audience laughing]

627
00:36:15,381 --> 00:36:20,787
And they left out the fact that previously,
John Nash had unusual interests in men,

628
00:36:20,787 --> 00:36:28,100
away from the arms of the woman he loved.
[audience laughing]

629
00:36:28,100 --> 00:36:31,078
Leaving out these details
changes the story a little bit, doesn’t it?

630
00:36:31,078 --> 00:36:33,657
I mean, to me,
this would be like making OJ.

631
00:36:33,657 --> 00:36:35,535
He went from junior college
to the Heisman trophy

632
00:36:35,535 --> 00:36:39,036
into the arms of the woman he loved.
The end!

633
00:36:39,036 --> 00:36:41,677
[audience laughing]
Coming soon—

634
00:36:41,677 --> 00:36:53,693
Simpson, based on a true story.
[audience laughing]

635
00:36:53,693 --> 00:36:56,806
You know Oscar Wilde once said,
“Anybody can make history,

636
00:36:56,806 --> 00:36:58,652
but it takes a great man to write it.”

637
00:36:58,652 --> 00:37:03,342
And, Hawthorne’s a pretty great writer,
neglecting the fact that Franklin Pierce

638
00:37:03,342 --> 00:37:09,278
is a pro-slavery, raging alcoholic,
he paints him as America’s savior,

639
00:37:09,278 --> 00:37:11,136
a cross between Mother Teresa
and James Bond.

640
00:37:11,136 --> 00:37:16,615
[audience softly laughs]
In August, Hawthorne’s book

641
00:37:16,615 --> 00:37:18,023
comes out—in August.

642
00:37:18,023 --> 00:37:20,974
And, because of this book,
by November, this little known

643
00:37:20,974 --> 00:37:25,620
dark horse candidate carries 27
out of the 31 states in the country

644
00:37:25,620 --> 00:37:28,206
and becomes our 14th President
of the United States,

645
00:37:28,206 --> 00:37:33,063
based on a true story.

646
00:37:33,063 --> 00:37:36,078
And you know what happens?
Pierce really sucks.

647
00:37:36,078 --> 00:37:37,379
[audience softly laughs]

648
00:37:37,379 --> 00:37:42,276
As Shakespeare wrote,
“He doth REALLY SUCK!”

649
00:37:42,276 --> 00:37:45,406
How bad was Franklin Pierce?
Because of his pro-slavery actions,

650
00:37:45,406 --> 00:37:47,630
he did more than
any other single individual

651
00:37:47,630 --> 00:37:49,878
to hasten the outbreak of the Civil War.

652
00:37:49,878 --> 00:37:53,370
How bad was Franklin Pierce?
To this day, he remains the ONLY

653
00:37:53,370 --> 00:37:58,398
incumbent president in our history
not to get his OWN party’s nomination

654
00:37:58,398 --> 00:38:01,723
for a second term.
[audience softly laughs]

655
00:38:01,723 --> 00:38:04,531
How does he respond?
Pierce later gets drunk, gets on a horse,

656
00:38:04,531 --> 00:38:08,311
and drives over a woman
becoming the first president with a DUI.

657
00:38:08,311 --> 00:38:12,678
[horse neighing]
[female student in audience screams]

658
00:38:12,678 --> 00:38:15,644
But, you know the funny thing?
We got through it.

659
00:38:15,644 --> 00:38:20,376
See, that’s the thing about Americans.
We’re tough. We’re resilient.

660
00:38:20,376 --> 00:38:22,503
We’ll get through it.

661
00:38:22,503 --> 00:38:26,738
Which brings me to my next point,
we’ll get through it.

662
00:38:26,738 --> 00:38:35,827
[audience laughing and applauding]

663
00:38:35,827 --> 00:38:38,093
I’m an optimist. I really am.
I’m a positive person.

664
00:38:38,093 --> 00:38:43,070
I always look at the bong as half full.
[audience laughing]

665
00:38:43,070 --> 00:38:46,204
And, by the way,
I have no political agenda.

666
00:38:46,204 --> 00:38:50,579
My dad was a republican,
my mom was a democrat,

667
00:38:50,579 --> 00:38:52,682
so I respect both points of view.

668
00:38:52,682 --> 00:38:55,048
Now that said, my wife,
Ms. Lefty Pinko Capelli herself

669
00:38:55,048 --> 00:38:58,771
looks at Old W here and says,
“George W. Bush is the worst

670
00:38:58,771 --> 00:39:01,479
president in the history
of the United States!”

671
00:39:01,479 --> 00:39:06,592
And, I go, “The worst?
Holy hyperbole Batman.”

672
00:39:06,592 --> 00:39:08,249
[audience chuckling]
You know, we’ve had some

673
00:39:08,249 --> 00:39:10,473
really lousy leaders in this country.

674
00:39:10,473 --> 00:39:13,941
In fact, I’m going to assume the position
that lousy leaders ARE

675
00:39:13,941 --> 00:39:21,973
as American as apple pie.
[audience cheers and applauses]

676
00:39:21,973 --> 00:39:26,292
Starting with Aaron Burr.
Aaron Burr. Aaron Burr.

677
00:39:26,292 --> 00:39:27,704
We all know Aaron Burr
from the Got Milk commercial,

678
00:39:27,704 --> 00:39:31,016
you know. Aaron Burr…

679
00:39:31,016 --> 00:39:33,858
[saying Aaron Burr but with a slur,
audience laughs]

680
00:39:33,858 --> 00:39:35,751
This is our 3rd presidential election.

681
00:39:35,751 --> 00:39:39,344
Aaron Burr actually tied Thomas Jefferson
in electoral college

682
00:39:39,344 --> 00:39:42,440
and only became vice-president,
because his old nemesis,

683
00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:47,430
Alexander Hamilton, used his influence
to elect Jefferson.

684
00:39:47,430 --> 00:39:52,977
Uh, Burr, a less than gracious loser,
responds by shooting Alexander Hamilton

685
00:39:52,977 --> 00:39:57,902
[single gunshot]
thereby becoming our first vice-president

686
00:39:57,902 --> 00:40:01,939
to shoot somebody.
[single gunshot]

687
00:40:01,939 --> 00:40:06,555
[audience laughing]
He is later arraigned for treason,

688
00:40:06,555 --> 00:40:10,751
not once, not twice, not three times—
how many times, Aaron?

689
00:40:10,751 --> 00:40:15,207
[ding from cash register]
Four times! Four times!

690
00:40:15,207 --> 00:40:18,685
Talk about a lousy leader.
But, you know what?

691
00:40:18,685 --> 00:40:21,227
We got through it,
because lousy leaders are…

692
00:40:21,227 --> 00:40:24,499
(audience)
as American as apple pie.

693
00:40:24,499 --> 00:40:28,100
Oh, let’s keep going.
[audience laughing]

694
00:40:28,100 --> 00:40:29,867
William Henry Harrison,
hero of the Mexican War.

695
00:40:29,867 --> 00:40:34,108
On his inauguration day,
March 4th, 1841. It’s raining,

696
00:40:34,108 --> 00:40:37,430
it’s freezing, it’s windy,
[wind blowing]
but Mr. macho war hero

697
00:40:37,430 --> 00:40:40,010
doesn’t want anybody
to think he’s a pussy.

698
00:40:40,010 --> 00:40:41,937
[audience chuckling]
So, he stands and gives

699
00:40:41,937 --> 00:40:46,061
his inauguration address without a hat,
without a coat, without his gloves.

700
00:40:46,061 --> 00:40:48,149
Well, didn’t your mother tell ya,
if ya didn’t cover up,

701
00:40:48,149 --> 00:40:51,426
you’d catch pneumonia?
Well, guess what? He catches…

702
00:40:51,426 --> 00:40:53,546
(Audience)
pneumonia.

703
00:40:53,546 --> 00:40:57,738
March 4th, he’s making history;
April 4th, he is history.

704
00:40:57,738 --> 00:41:01,727
[audience chuckling]
One month…one MONTH!

705
00:41:01,727 --> 00:41:06,176
His administration lasted
less than Lindsay Lohan’s last rehab.

706
00:41:06,176 --> 00:41:11,124
[audience laughing]
Now, you gotta remember

707
00:41:11,124 --> 00:41:13,309
this was the first time a president
had ever died in office.

708
00:41:13,309 --> 00:41:16,925
But, fortunately,
we had John Tyler of Virginia.

709
00:41:16,925 --> 00:41:19,472
How committed to the United States
was this guy?

710
00:41:19,472 --> 00:41:23,385
When he’s not reelected,
this mother fucker switches sides!

711
00:41:23,385 --> 00:41:30,798
[audience laughing]


712
00:41:30,798 --> 00:41:32,398
Then, there was Millard Fillmore.

713
00:41:32,398 --> 00:41:37,046
He put the “I” in anti-immigration.
He not only wanted to keep anymore

714
00:41:37,046 --> 00:41:40,293
Irish Catholics from entering the country,
he wants to kick out the ones

715
00:41:40,293 --> 00:41:46,623
that are already here.
[kicing ball]

716
00:41:46,623 --> 00:41:47,705
[audience laughing]

717
00:41:47,705 --> 00:41:49,135
Then there was Warren G. Harding.
How bad was this guy?

718
00:41:49,135 --> 00:41:53,934
He once actually lost
the White House china in a poker game.

719
00:41:53,934 --> 00:42:00,666
[audience laughing]
[cash register]
Which brings me to Calvin Coolidge,

720
00:42:00,666 --> 00:42:04,968
who on a summer vacation, 1927,
goes fishing in South Dakota,

721
00:42:04,968 --> 00:42:07,470
and catches so many fish
in South Dakota

722
00:42:07,470 --> 00:42:14,061
that he decides to stay for 3 months!
Three months the President stays away.

723
00:42:14,061 --> 00:42:17,466
Washington’s at a standstill.
Cal’s catchin’ fish.

724
00:42:17,466 --> 00:42:21,054
[audience laughing]
Now, just prior to this,

725
00:42:21,054 --> 00:42:23,951
America has suffered
its greatest natural disaster.

726
00:42:23,951 --> 00:42:29,391
The Mississippi River overflows
flooding 6 states. Cal’s catchin’ fish.

727
00:42:29,391 --> 00:42:32,978
I mean, can you imagine
the president being that insensitive

728
00:42:32,978 --> 00:42:41,751
during a natural disaster? Inconceivable!
[audience laughs loudly]

729
00:42:41,751 --> 00:42:43,970
But the real story isn’t just that
Cal’s catching fish,

730
00:42:43,970 --> 00:42:46,581
it’s why he’s catching so many fish.

731
00:42:46,581 --> 00:42:50,475
Because, unbeknownst to Cal,
South Dakota’s state officials

732
00:42:50,475 --> 00:42:54,428
have chicken-wired the lake,
and every night are restocking
thousands of fish.

733
00:42:54,428 --> 00:43:03,833
Why? Because they need Cal
to fall in love with South Dakota.

734
00:43:03,833 --> 00:43:08,366
Why? Because, they need
to generate income in South Dakota.

735
00:43:08,366 --> 00:43:13,164
Why? Because South Dakota
is in the middle of east bum fuck America!

736
00:43:13,164 --> 00:43:14,865
[audience laughing]

737
00:43:14,865 --> 00:43:18,504
There’s only 8 people
living there per square mile!

738
00:43:18,504 --> 00:43:19,450
[audience laughing]

739
00:43:19,450 --> 00:43:23,207
That’s only 8 more people
living there than there are on Mars!

740
00:43:23,207 --> 00:43:30,296
They need tourism dollars,
and they need Cal’s help to finance

741
00:43:30,296 --> 00:43:34,612
their new tourist attraction. 
And, what is their new tourist attraction?

742
00:43:34,612 --> 00:43:39,825
That mountain. They needed tourism dollars
so they create Mt…

743
00:43:39,825 --> 00:43:41,726
(audience)
Rushmore.

744
00:43:41,726 --> 00:43:45,353
Mt. Rushmore was totally created
as a tourist trap.

745
00:43:45,353 --> 00:43:48,064
And, you know what? It works.

746
00:43:48,064 --> 00:43:50,950
It works completely just weeks
before the attack on Pearl Harbor.

747
00:43:50,950 --> 00:43:53,933
Mt. Rushmore becomes
an instant national shrine

748
00:43:53,933 --> 00:43:56,928
and a quintessential American image.
But tell the truth.

749
00:43:56,928 --> 00:44:00,307
Doesn’t it look like
the poster for The Departed?

750
00:44:00,307 --> 00:44:06,793
[gunshots, audience laughing]
Now, my point is,

751
00:44:06,793 --> 00:44:09,478
although Calvin Coolidge
may have been hoodwinked

752
00:44:09,478 --> 00:44:13,725
into paying for Mt. Rushmore,
without his help, it never gets made—

753
00:44:13,725 --> 00:44:17,996
which only goes to prove that
no matter how lousy a leader one may be,

754
00:44:17,996 --> 00:44:21,483
you gotta give props where props are due.

755
00:44:21,483 --> 00:44:24,331
So, regardless of what you think
of W’s legacy,

756
00:44:24,331 --> 00:44:28,726
you gotta give him the following—
first, he can throw strikes.

757
00:44:28,726 --> 00:44:33,710
[audience laughing]
He is the best ever

758
00:44:33,710 --> 00:44:38,521
at throwing out the first pitch.
[audience chuckling]

759
00:44:38,521 --> 00:44:40,281
And, secondly, he is his mother’s son.
And, by that by the way,

760
00:44:40,281 --> 00:44:42,185
I mean no disrespect whatsoever
to Barbara Bush.

761
00:44:42,185 --> 00:44:43,836
In fact, I’ll have ya know,
back in the day

762
00:44:43,836 --> 00:44:48,999
Barbara Bush is a little bit of a hottie.
No, I say he is his mother’s son,

763
00:44:48,999 --> 00:44:51,945
because before she was Barbara Bush,
she was born Barbara Pierce.

764
00:44:51,945 --> 00:44:54,519
And, she is a direct descendent
of none other than

765
00:44:54,519 --> 00:44:59,151
old fuck up himself, Franklin Pierce,
which brings us full circle and explains

766
00:44:59,151 --> 00:45:02,301
how things got to where we are today.
And, you know what?

767
00:45:02,301 --> 00:45:17,822
We’ll get through it, AGAIN.
[audience laughing]

768
00:45:17,822 --> 00:45:19,085
Why? Because lousy leaders are…

769
00:45:19,085 --> 00:45:21,813
(audience joined by Wuhl)
as American as apple pie.

770
00:45:21,813 --> 00:45:27,667
You betcha!

771
00:45:27,667 --> 00:45:29,408
[upbeat music]

772
00:45:29,408 --> 00:45:31,225
(Male 1)
Now, there’s apparently room for one more

773
00:45:31,225 --> 00:45:33,092
face on Mt. Rushmore, and it seems
to me it’s pretty obvious who it is.

774
00:45:33,092 --> 00:45:35,209
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

775
00:45:35,209 --> 00:45:36,108
Martin Luther King

776
00:45:36,108 --> 00:45:37,269
Meryl Streep

777
00:45:37,269 --> 00:45:38,612
Is Roosevelt on there already?

778
00:45:38,612 --> 00:45:39,894

Uh…it’s Franklin Roosevelt

779
00:45:39,894 --> 00:45:41,406
Franklin D. Roosevelt

780
00:45:41,406 --> 00:45:43,541
Is he already on? No? Maybe Roosevelt.

781
00:45:43,541 --> 00:45:45,693
And perhaps…

782
00:45:48,942 --> 00:45:49,435
Francis Coppola?

783
00:45:49,435 --> 00:45:50,522
Tony Morrison

784
00:45:50,522 --> 00:45:51,098
Ronald Reagan

785
00:45:51,098 --> 00:45:51,721
If there was a Canadian Mt. Rushmore,

786
00:45:51,721 --> 00:45:53,789
it would be all people who are on SETV.

787
00:45:53,789 --> 00:45:55,170
Cough, cough, sorry…

788
00:45:55,170 --> 00:45:57,069
(Sarah Vowell, Author)
No, I can’t even get through

789
00:45:57,069 --> 00:45:59,558
that with a straight face?
[Sarah laughs]

790
00:45:59,558 --> 00:46:04,485
[handwriting] 
I Shit You Not

791
00:46:04,485 --> 00:46:09,975
(Wuhl)
I call this next segment…
I Shit You Not

792
00:46:09,975 --> 00:46:10,695
[audience chuckling]

793
00:46:10,695 --> 00:46:11,817
A little history story, little fun facts—
here we go.

794
00:46:11,817 --> 00:46:13,184
One wonders if Ramses is really
the proper name for a condom,

795
00:46:13,184 --> 00:46:15,069
when you consider it’s named
after the great pharaoh, Ramses,

796
00:46:15,069 --> 00:46:19,392
who fathered over 110 kids
during his life. I shit you not.

797
00:46:19,392 --> 00:46:22,061
[audience laughing]

798
00:46:22,061 --> 00:46:26,543
In the dining room of the Titanic,
they actually served iceberg lettuce.

799
00:46:26,543 --> 00:46:30,280
[audience laughing]
I shit you not.

800
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:34,740
On April 9th, Playboy magazine founder
and sexual liberator,

801
00:46:34,740 --> 00:46:38,492
Hugh Hefner, turned 81.
He was then given a birthday party

802
00:46:38,492 --> 00:46:43,869
by the three women who love him—
whose combined age is 81!

803
00:46:43,869 --> 00:46:50,241
[audience laughing]
I shit you not!

804
00:46:50,241 --> 00:46:51,898
The croissant was introduced
into what country?

805
00:46:51,898 --> 00:46:53,429
(Male in Audience)
France

806
00:46:53,429 --> 00:46:55,305
(Wuhl)
Correct! Austria!

807
00:46:55,305 --> 00:46:58,188
[audience laughing]

808
00:46:58,188 --> 00:47:00,218
To celebrate their victory
over the Battle of Vienna,

809
00:47:00,218 --> 00:47:03,532
Austrian bakers decided to create
a pastry in the shape of the crescent

810
00:47:03,532 --> 00:47:05,471
on the Ottoman flag. Crescent…
croissant…crescent…croissant…

811
00:47:05,471 --> 00:47:14,751
and, in fact, the croissant does not
arrive in France until

812
00:47:14,751 --> 00:47:16,285
a hundred years later
when it’s brought over

813
00:47:16,285 --> 00:47:21,784
by a 16-year old Austrian princess
by the name of Kirsten Dunst.

814
00:47:21,784 --> 00:47:29,194
[audience laughing]
In 1990, Pfizer Labs is experimenting

815
00:47:29,194 --> 00:47:31,493
with sildenaphil, which is a drug
to treat heart patients.

816
00:47:31,493 --> 00:47:35,467
Well, after doing a lot of testing,
nobody’s blood pressure goes down,

817
00:47:35,467 --> 00:47:39,208
but everybody’s dick goes up.
[audience laughing]

818
00:47:39,208 --> 00:47:44,548
Well, so long sildenaphil, hello Viagra!
[audience laughing]

819
00:47:44,548 --> 00:47:47,281
And, speaking on behalf
of all the middle-aged men

820
00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:50,305
who’d been married to the same woman
for 24 years,

821
00:47:50,305 --> 00:47:55,385
this is one of the great moments
in American history. I shit you not!

822
00:47:55,385 --> 00:48:01,109
[audience laughing]
Now, I’m sure many of you

823
00:48:01,109 --> 00:48:05,111
dismissed Ms. Spears
as some exhibitionist,

824
00:48:05,111 --> 00:48:12,405
club-hopping bimbo. But, not me!
No, I got Britney’s back.

825
00:48:12,405 --> 00:48:13,829
[audience chuckling]

826
00:48:13,829 --> 00:48:17,347
Because, as my father used to say,
judge slowly.

827
00:48:17,347 --> 00:48:22,084
Behind me, this is the first nude scene
in motion picture history.

828
00:48:22,084 --> 00:48:27,533
In the 1933 Czech film, Ecstasy,
20-year old Hedy Lamarr shocks the world

829
00:48:27,533 --> 00:48:32,271
by becoming the first woman
to bare her breasts on camera,

830
00:48:32,271 --> 00:48:39,730
thus becoming the original Girl Gone Wild!
[audience laughing]

831
00:48:39,730 --> 00:48:44,757
Her outrageous behavior makes her
an international film star

832
00:48:44,757 --> 00:48:49,039
and a pop-culture icon who once said,
“Any woman can become glamorous.

833
00:48:49,039 --> 00:48:52,480
All she has to do is stand still,
and look stupid.”

834
00:48:52,480 --> 00:48:57,830
[audience chuckling]
Ahhhhh…but early in 1941,

835
00:48:57,830 --> 00:48:59,993
shortly after WWII begins,
Hedy is out partying.

836
00:48:59,993 --> 00:49:07,204
Concerned about the Nazi’s
jamming allied radio signals,

837
00:49:07,204 --> 00:49:11,483
Hedy takes out a cocktail napkin,
and on the back of it, draws up a plan

838
00:49:11,483 --> 00:49:15,833
that will become known
as frequency hopping.

839
00:49:15,833 --> 00:49:19,029
This is a way to make
jamming radio signals impossible.

840
00:49:19,029 --> 00:49:21,282
I mean, look at it.
This is Hedy’s actual patent

841
00:49:21,282 --> 00:49:22,433
for frequency hopping.

842
00:49:22,433 --> 00:49:24,325
And, this isn’t a handbag
or cosmetics line she’s putting

843
00:49:24,325 --> 00:49:25,838
her name on, right?

844
00:49:25,838 --> 00:49:27,511
This is impressive stuff.

845
00:49:27,511 --> 00:49:31,091
So, who many thought
was an exhibitionist, club-hopping,

846
00:49:31,091 --> 00:49:35,421
bimbo of her time invents a revolutionary
defense system that has been used

847
00:49:35,421 --> 00:49:37,626
in everything from
the Cuban Missile Crisis,

848
00:49:37,626 --> 00:49:41,230
to wi-fi, to cell phones.

849
00:49:41,230 --> 00:49:45,311
Well, stand still and look stupid—my ass!
[audience chuckling]

850
00:49:45,311 --> 00:49:50,551
Which brings me back to my girl, Britney.
[audience chuckling]

851
00:49:50,551 --> 00:49:54,602
And, once again, I say judge slowly,
because in the future,

852
00:49:54,602 --> 00:49:58,379
we may very well learn
that Britney went into that car

853
00:49:58,379 --> 00:50:03,212
with underwear on!
[audience laughing]

854
00:50:03,212 --> 00:50:08,842
And the reason they came off
may someday change history.

855
00:50:08,842 --> 00:50:14,396
[audience laughing]
I shit you not.

856
00:50:14,396 --> 00:50:26,470
[audience laughs and applauses]
[handwriting]
Fiction and Facts from Wuhl's Almanac


857
00:50:26,470 --> 00:50:27,666
In the first half of the 20th century,

858
00:50:27,666 --> 00:50:30,725
the most popular woman in America
was First Lady, Eleanor Roosevelt.

859
00:50:30,725 --> 00:50:33,331
However you may be surprised—
the second most popular woman

860
00:50:33,331 --> 00:50:35,400
in America was this woman right here.

861
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:38,531
Anybody know who she is?
(random voices)

862
00:50:38,531 --> 00:50:41,166
That is Betty Crocker.

863
00:50:41,166 --> 00:50:42,708
(random voices) 
Oh, yeah.

864
00:50:42,708 --> 00:50:48,787
The spokeswoman for Gold Medal Flour
and Bisquick, she was THE media superstar

865
00:50:48,787 --> 00:50:50,287
of the first half of the 20th century.

866
00:50:50,287 --> 00:50:53,761
How big was Betty Crocker?
In the country—one-third the population

867
00:50:53,761 --> 00:50:59,087
that it is now, her weekly radio shows
drew the same sized audience

868
00:50:59,087 --> 00:51:05,631
as American Idol.
[synthesizer music]
[audience laughing]

869
00:51:05,631 --> 00:51:08,936
Betty Crocker got 4,000 letters a day.
A day--I get 10 emails—I’m wiggin’ out.

870
00:51:08,936 --> 00:51:11,377
[audience laughing]

871
00:51:11,377 --> 00:51:14,468
She was the woman that American women
turned to and trusted.

872
00:51:14,468 --> 00:51:22,665
But then, in 1945, in a shocking expose,
Betty Crocker is outed.

873
00:51:22,665 --> 00:51:26,301
Fortune magazine reveals that no,
she’s not gay.

874
00:51:26,301 --> 00:51:28,257
[audience chuckling]
She’s not straight.

875
00:51:28,257 --> 00:51:33,256
They reveal Betty Crocker is not REAL.

876
00:51:33,256 --> 00:51:36,580
America is shocked to find out
that Betty Crocker is a fictional character

877
00:51:36,580 --> 00:51:41,671
created by General Mills, who by the way,
is not a real general.

878
00:51:41,671 --> 00:51:44,818
[audience laughing]
People were crushed.

879
00:51:44,818 --> 00:51:49,993
I mean this would be like
finding out that Oprah is CGI.

880
00:51:49,993 --> 00:51:56,025
[audience laughing]
So I got to thinkin’ who else?

881
00:51:56,025 --> 00:51:58,690
Who else besides Betty
have we mislaid our trust to?

882
00:51:58,690 --> 00:52:01,236
Who else have we given our hearts
and our stomachs to?

883
00:52:01,236 --> 00:52:17,967
So with the public’s interest in mind,
it is time to play Real or No Real.

884
00:52:17,967 --> 00:52:19,562
[upbeat music]

885
00:52:19,562 --> 00:52:21,219
Hi Ladies!

886
00:52:21,219 --> 00:52:22,438
(Ladies)
Hi Mr. Wuhl!

887
00:52:22,438 --> 00:52:23,537
Are you ready to play Real or No Real?

888
00:52:23,537 --> 00:52:25,121
(Ladies)
Hell, yeah!

889
00:52:25,121 --> 00:52:27,301
Are you ready to play Real or No Real?

890
00:52:27,301 --> 00:52:29,562
(Audience)
Hell, yeah!

891
00:52:29,562 --> 00:52:31,391
[audience laughing]

892
00:52:31,391 --> 00:52:36,384
Well then let’s play Real or No Real
starting with Chef Boyardee.

893
00:52:36,384 --> 00:52:40,597
We all know Chef Boyardee,
but was he Real or No Real?

894
00:52:40,597 --> 00:52:46,593
(Several in Audience)
Real.

895
00:52:46,593 --> 00:52:48,450
Chef Boyardee was…

896
00:52:48,450 --> 00:52:50,524
(Female 1)
Real!

897
00:52:50,524 --> 00:52:54,611
[audience cheering and applauding]

898
00:52:54,611 --> 00:53:00,775
In 1926, Hector Boiardi 
opens Giardino d’Italia,

899
00:53:00,775 --> 00:53:02,531
a restaurant in Cleveland, Ohio.

900
00:53:02,531 --> 00:53:05,569
There, his spaghetti sauce
became so popular, he decides

901
00:53:05,569 --> 00:53:09,256
to market it nationally,
spelling his name phonetically…

902
00:53:09,256 --> 00:53:10,806
[audience chuckling]

903
00:53:10,806 --> 00:53:14,860
and thereby introduces much of America
to authentic, Italian cuisine.

904
00:53:14,860 --> 00:53:17,623
Although, my Italian mother-in-law
wants to know what part of Italy

905
00:53:17,623 --> 00:53:21,827
did beefaroni come from?
[audience laughing]

906
00:53:21,827 --> 00:53:24,939
Next, little Debbie,
we all know little Debbie,

907
00:53:24,939 --> 00:53:33,481
but was she real or no real?
[audience hollering out mixed answers]

908
00:53:33,481 --> 00:53:34,540
Little Debbie was…

909
00:53:34,540 --> 00:53:36,142
(Female 2)
Real!

910
00:53:36,142 --> 00:53:38,473
[audience cheering and applauding]

911
00:53:38,473 --> 00:53:42,796
In 1960, O.D. McKee is looking
for a logo for his new snack cake,

912
00:53:42,796 --> 00:53:45,822
and he decides to use a picture
of his little granddaughter, Debbie;

913
00:53:45,822 --> 00:53:51,260
however, O.D. does so without telling
little Debbie’s parents.

914
00:53:51,260 --> 00:53:55,173
In fact, Debbie’s parents don’t find out
about this until the product

915
00:53:55,173 --> 00:53:56,589
is almost on the shelves!

916
00:53:56,589 --> 00:54:00,466
So, needless to say,
little Debbie’s parents are POed O.D.

917
00:54:00,466 --> 00:54:03,747
for exploiting their daughter,
at least until Little Debbie

918
00:54:03,747 --> 00:54:08,764
starts making big bucks.
[audience laughing]

919
00:54:08,764 --> 00:54:13,100
Next, Jose Cuervo.
We all know Jose Cuervo.

920
00:54:13,100 --> 00:54:17,258
Sometimes, we wake up, and we wish
we didn’t know Jose Cuervo.

921
00:54:17,258 --> 00:54:20,694
[audience laughing]
But, was he real or no real?

922
00:54:20,694 --> 00:54:25,147
[audience shouting varying answers]

923
00:54:25,147 --> 00:54:26,794
Jose Cuervo was…

924
00:54:26,794 --> 00:54:28,588
(Female 3)
Real!

925
00:54:28,588 --> 00:54:33,107
[female] Yes!
[audience cheering and applauding]

926
00:54:33,107 --> 00:54:36,642
In 1756, Jose Cuervo gets a license
to produce mezcal wine,

927
00:54:36,642 --> 00:54:43,084
and opens the first Mexican distillery
in the village of..

928
00:54:43,084 --> 00:54:44,774
(Audience)
tequila!

929
00:54:44,774 --> 00:54:46,635
[audience laughing]
Take a shot, babe.

930
00:54:46,635 --> 00:54:51,327
[gulping noise] [audience laughing]
Next, Aunt Jemima!

931
00:54:51,327 --> 00:54:55,678
We all know Aunt Jemima,
but was she real or no real?

932
00:54:55,678 --> 00:55:01,735
[audience shouts out differing answers]
Aunt Jemima was…

933
00:55:01,735 --> 00:55:03,486
(Female 4)
No real!

934
00:55:03,486 --> 00:55:05,377
(audience)
Ohhhhh.

935
00:55:05,377 --> 00:55:10,789
Aunt Jemima is not real;
however, Nancy Green was.

936
00:55:10,789 --> 00:55:16,013
In 1893, the Chicago World Fair opens.
Millions of people came

937
00:55:16,013 --> 00:55:17,519
from around the world
to visit America and to see

938
00:55:17,519 --> 00:55:18,885
their new technology and products.

939
00:55:18,885 --> 00:55:23,079
Electricity is first introduced
at the Chicago World’s Fair.

940
00:55:23,079 --> 00:55:25,431
Ferris introduces his wheel
at the Chicago World’s Fair.

941
00:55:25,431 --> 00:55:29,124
But the biggest hit
may have been Nancy Green,

942
00:55:29,124 --> 00:55:35,286
a former slave who becomes
our nation’s first African-American

943
00:55:35,286 --> 00:55:36,796
spokeswoman when she introduces
a new pancake mix based

944
00:55:36,796 --> 00:55:41,149
on of all things,
a hit pop song of its time.

945
00:55:41,149 --> 00:55:43,501
Singing songs,
giving cooking demonstrations,

946
00:55:43,501 --> 00:55:46,322
and telling stories, Nancy Green
became such a sensation

947
00:55:46,322 --> 00:55:51,207
that Aunt Jemima executives
make her their spokeswoman for life!

948
00:55:51,207 --> 00:55:53,945
And, for the next 30 years,
she tours across America

949
00:55:53,945 --> 00:55:57,449
as a pancake rockstar!

950
00:55:57,449 --> 00:55:58,702
[audience laughing]

951
00:55:58,702 --> 00:56:01,403
Until sadly, she’s run over
by a car in 1923.

952
00:56:01,403 --> 00:56:05,634
No truth however to the rumor
it’s driven by Mrs. Butterworth.

953
00:56:05,634 --> 00:56:09,015
[screeching car, audience laughing]

954
00:56:09,015 --> 00:56:12,234
So, in summation,
there was a Baskin and a Robbins,

955
00:56:12,234 --> 00:56:15,849
a Ben and a Jerry,
but no Haagen, No Dazs…

956
00:56:15,849 --> 00:56:18,046
(All Deal or No Deal Females)
No queen of the dairy.

957
00:56:18,046 --> 00:56:20,644
[slurping, [audience laughing]

958
00:56:20,644 --> 00:56:24,173
Dr. Scholl made us walk,
Jack Daniel made us crawl,

959
00:56:24,173 --> 00:56:26,055
there is a Paul Newman…

960
00:56:26,055 --> 00:56:27,985
(Deal or No Deal Females)
and there was a Mrs. Paul.

961
00:56:27,985 --> 00:56:31,351
[ripping paper, audience laughing, 
Real or No Real Females clapping as Wuhl chants]

962
00:56:31,351 --> 00:56:33,574
There was a Pontiac, a Cadillac,
a Buick and an Olds.

963
00:56:33,574 --> 00:56:35,229
A Dodge and a Chevrolet, a…

964
00:56:35,229 --> 00:56:36,801
(Deal or No Deal Females and Wuhl)
Royce never Rolls.

965
00:56:36,801 --> 00:56:38,388
There was a Dr. Pepper…

966
00:56:38,388 --> 00:56:40,259
(Deal or No Deal Females and Wuhl)
there ain’t no Mr. Pibb.

967
00:56:40,259 --> 00:56:43,201
But, Pepperidge Farm and Maxwell House
were once somebody’s crib.

968
00:56:43,201 --> 00:56:46,257
I’m only going to do one more,
and then I’ll say goodbye,

969
00:56:46,257 --> 00:56:48,657
and that’s Marie Calendar, who made the…

970
00:56:48,657 --> 00:56:50,363
(Deal or No Deal Females and Wuhl)
mother fuckin’ pie!

971
00:56:50,363 --> 00:56:57,738
[audience laughing and applauding]
I wanna thank everybody

972
00:56:57,738 --> 00:57:00,852
for attending today—I appreciate it!
Class dismissed!

973
00:57:00,852 --> 00:57:06,988
[school bell ringing, 
audience cheering and applauding]

974
00:57:06,988 --> 00:57:09,613
Thank you! Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you!

975
00:57:09,613 --> 00:57:25,164
(Jeff Greenfield)
OK. Whaddaya wanna know?

976
00:57:25,164 --> 00:57:26,670
(Patricia Williams)
My favorite invention?

977
00:57:26,670 --> 00:57:27,300
(Vowell)
Well, my public answer would be
the, uh, printing press.

978
00:57:27,300 --> 00:57:30,339
(Patricia Williams)
It’s the computer. I just cannot believe

979
00:57:30,339 --> 00:57:32,229
that I was lucky enough to be born
in the age of computers.

980
00:57:32,229 --> 00:57:34,567
(Vowell)
My private answer would be caller ID.

981
00:57:34,567 --> 00:57:36,332
(Seth Rogen)
Satellite television.

982
00:57:36,332 --> 00:57:37,732
(Jeff Greenfield)
Video on demand.

983
00:57:37,732 --> 00:57:38,988
(Louis C.K.)
Yeah, I have to take this.

984
00:57:38,988 --> 00:57:40,636
(Seth Rogen)
I did enjoy history class

985
00:57:40,636 --> 00:57:42,211
very much growing up.
(Louis C.K.)

986
00:57:42,211 --> 00:57:44,069
I loved it. I flunked it, but I loved it.


987
00:57:44,069 --> 00:57:46,516
(Patricia Williams)
I guess history is a great battlefield,


988
00:57:46,516 --> 00:57:49,391
and that’s simply
in the sense of warriors.

989
00:57:49,391 --> 00:57:50,734
(Manning Marable)
It boils down to this.

990
00:57:50,734 --> 00:57:51,981
Who’s telling the story?
Whose story is it?

991
00:57:51,981 --> 00:57:53,016
(Jeff Greenfield)
The more you learn about these people,

992
00:57:53,016 --> 00:57:55,189
the more you learn about ambiguity.

993
00:57:55,189 --> 00:57:57,756
(Manning Marable)
Historical memory is always selective.

994
00:57:57,756 --> 00:57:59,345
(Jeff Greenfield)
If there were one test

995
00:57:59,345 --> 00:58:01,804
I could give to a president,
a potential president,

996
00:58:01,804 --> 00:58:08,780
it would be how much history
does he or she know.

997
00:58:08,780 --> 99:59:59,999


998
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999


999
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999


1000
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999


1001
99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999