WEBVTT

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So people tell me I'm a nice person ...

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to the point where it's part
of my personal and professional identity

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that I'm so nice

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and able to get long with anyone,

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even my most fierce opponents.

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It's like my "thing,"

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it's what I'm known for.

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(Laughter)

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But ...

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what no one knows

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is that I was a bully.

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Honestly, I didn't think
about it much myself.

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I buried the memories for years,

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and even still, a lot of it's really hazy.

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Denial, by the way, apparently
is also one of my things.

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But the more people started to praise me

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for being a liberal who could
get along with conservatives,

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and the more I wrote articles
about being nice

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and gave talks about being nice,

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the more I felt this hypocrisy
creeping up inside me.

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What if I was actually really mean?

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When I was 10 years old,

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there was a girl in my class
at school named Vicky.

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And I tormented her ...

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mercilessly.

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I mean, everyone did.

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Even the teachers picked on her.

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It doesn't make it any better, does it?

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Vicky was clearly a troubled kid.

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She would hit herself
and give herself bloody noses

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and she had hygiene problems --

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she had big hygiene problems.

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But instead of helping this girl,

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who was plainly suffering
from hardships in her life,

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we called her, "Sticky Vicky."

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I called her, "Sticky Vicky."

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My clearest memory
is standing in the empty hallway

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outside the fifth grade classrooms

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waiting for Vicky
to come out of the bathroom,

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and I have a clipboard and a pen
and a survey I've made up,

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asking about shampoo preferences,

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like I'm doing a study
for science class or something.

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And when Vicky comes out of the bathroom,

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I pounce on her

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and I ask her what shampoo she uses.

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Now, to put this in perspective,

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I can't remember the names of my teachers,

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I can't remember the names
of any of the books I read that year,

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I pretty much can't remember
anything from fifth grade,

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but I remember that VIcky told me
she used White Rain shampoo.

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Clear as yesterday,

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like it just happened.

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And as classes let out,

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I ran down the hall shouting
at all the other kids,

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"Sticky Vicky uses White Rain shampoo.

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Don't use White Rain shampoo,

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or you'll smell like Sticky Vicky."

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I forgot about this memory
for a long time.

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When I finally started remembering it,

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I immediately needed to know more.

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I reached out to friends
and eventually social media,

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and I did everything I could
to try to find Vicky.

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I needed to know that she was OK,

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and that I hadn't ruined her life.

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What I quickly realized

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was I wasn't just trying to figure out
what happened to Vicky.

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I was trying to figure out
what happened to me.

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When I was 10 years old,

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I treated another human being
like some worthless other ...

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like I was better than her,

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and she was garbage.

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What kind of a nice person does that?

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I mean, I know I was only a kid,

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but not all kids do that.

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Most kids don't do that, right?

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So, what if I wasn't nice afterall?

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I was really just a hateful monster.

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Then I started to notice myself
having these mean impulses,

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thinking mean thoughts

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and wanting to say them.

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Admittedly, most of my mean
thoughts were about conservatives.

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(Laughter)

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But not just conservatives.

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I also caught myself thinking mean things
about mushy, centrist liberals

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and greedy Wall Street bankers

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and Islamaphobes

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and slow drivers,

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because I really hate slow drivers.

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(Laughter)

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And as I'd catch myself
in these moments of hypocrisy,

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either I was just noticing them

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or they were getting worse,

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especially in the last few years.

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And as I felt more [hageful]--

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rageful, really,

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I noticed the world around me
seemed to be getting more hateful, too.

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Like there was this steady
undercurrent of hate

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bubbling up all around us

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and increasingly overflowing.

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So the plus side, I guess,

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is that I realized that hate
was not just my problem,

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which is like, the most
selfish plus side ever --

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(Laughter)

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because now instead of just my own hate
and cruelty to try to figure out,

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I had a whole world of hate
I wanted to unravel

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and understand and fix.

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So I did what all overly intellectual
people do when they have a problem

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that they want to understand,

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and I wrote a book.

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(Laughter)

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I wrote a book about hate.

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Spoiler alert:

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I'm against it.

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(Laughter)

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Now at this point,

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you might be thinking to yourself,

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"Why are y'all worried about hate?

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You didn't hate Vicky.

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Bullying isn't hate."

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Isn't it?

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Gordon Allport,

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the psychologist who pioneered
the study of hate in the early 1900s,

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he developed what he called
a "scale of prejudice."

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At one end are things like genocide
and other bias-motivated violence.

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But at the other end

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are things like believing
that your in-group

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is inherently superior to some out-group,

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or avoiding social interaction
with those others.

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Isn't that all hate?

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I mean, it wasn't an accident

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that I was a rich kid
picking on a poor kid,

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or that Vicky, it turns out,
would eventually end up being gay.

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Poor kids and gay kids
are more likely to be bullied

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even by kids who also end up being gay.

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I know there was a lot going on
in my little 10-year-old mind.

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I'm not saying hate was the only
reason I picked on Vicky

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or even that I was consciously
hateful or anything,

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but the fact is,

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the people we discriminate against
in our public policies and in our culture

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are also the groups of people
most likely to be bullied in school.

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That is not just a coincidence.

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That's hate.

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I am defining hate in a broad way

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because I think we have a big problem.

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And we need to solve all of it,

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not just the most extremes.

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So for instance,

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we probably all agree
that marching down the street,

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chanting about you should take away
rights from some group of people

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because of their skin
color or their gender,

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we'd all agree that's hate, right?

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OK.

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What if you believe
that group of people is inferior,

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but you don't say it?

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Is that hate?

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Or what if you believe
that group of people is inferior

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but you aren't aware
that you believe it --

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what's known as implicit bias --

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is that hate?

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I mean they all have
the same roots, don't they?

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In the historic patterns
of racism and sexism

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that have shaped our history

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and still infect our society today.

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Isn't it all hate?

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I'm not saying they're the same thing,

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just like I am not saying
that bullying --

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being a bully is as bad as being a nazi,

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just like I'm not saying that being a nazi
is the same thing as punching a nazi ...

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(Laughter)

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But hating a nazi is still hate, right?

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What about hating someone
who isn't as enlightened as you?

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See, what I learned

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is that we all are against hate

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and we all think hate is a problem ...

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we think it's their problem,

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not our problem.

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They're hateful.

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I mean, if i think the people
who didn't vote like me

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are stupid racist monsters who don't
deserve to call themselves Americans,

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all right, fine, I'm not being nice,

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I get it.

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(Laughter)

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I'm not hateful,

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I'm just right,

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right?

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(Laughter)

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Wrong.

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We all hate.

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And I do not mean that
in some abstract, generic sense.

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I mean all of us ...

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me and you.

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That sanctimonious pedestal of superiority
on which we all place ourselves,

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that they are hateful and we are not,

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is a manifestation
of the essential root of hate:

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that we are fundamentally good
and they are not,

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which is what needs to change.

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So in trying to understand
and solve hate,

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I read every book and every
research study I could find,

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but I also went and talked
to some former nazis

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and some former terrorists

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and some former genocidal killers

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because I figured if they could
figure out how to escape hate,

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surely the rest of us could.

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Let me give you just one example
of the former terrorist I spent time with

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in the West Bank.

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When Bassam Aramin was 16 years old,

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he tried to blow up an Israeli
military convoy with a grenade.

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He failed, fortunately,

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but he was still sentecned
to seven years in prison.

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When he was in prison,

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they showed a film about the Holocaust.

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Up until that point,

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Bassam had thought the Hocolcaust
was mostly a myth.

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He went to go watch the film

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because he thought he would enjoy
seeing Jews get killed.

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But when he saw what really happened,

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he broke down crying.

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And eventually after prison,

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Bassam went on to get a master's
degree in Holocaust studies

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and he founded and organization
where former Palestinian combatants

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and Israel combatants come together,

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work together,

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try to find common ground.

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By his own account,

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Bassam used to hate Israelis,

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but through knowing Israelis
and learning their stories

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and working together for peace,

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he overcame his hate.

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Bassam says he still
doesn't hate Israelis,

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even after the Israeli military shot
and killed his 10-year-old daughter,

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Abir,

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while she was walking to school.

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Bassam even forgave the soldier
who killed his daughter.

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That soldier,

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he taught me,

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was just a product of the same
hateful system as he was.

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If a former terrorist --

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if a terrorist can learn to stop hating

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and still not hate
when their child is killed,

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surely the rest of us can stop our habits

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of demeaning and
dehumanizing each other.

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And I will tell you there are stories
like Bassam's all over the world,

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plus study after study after study

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that says, no, we are neither designed
nor destined as human beings to hate,

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but rather taught to hate
by the world around us.

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I promise you,

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none of us pops out of the womb
hating black people or Republicans.

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There is nothing in our DNA
that makes us hate Muslims or Mexicans.

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For better or for worse,

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we are all a product
of the culture around us.

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And the good news is

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we're also the ones
who shape that culture,

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which means we can change it.

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The first step is starting to recognize
the hate inside ourselves.

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We need to catch ourselves

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and our hateful thoughts
in all their forms

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in all of us,

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and work to challenge
our ideas and assumptions.

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That doesn't happen overnight,

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I am telling you right here,

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it is a lifelong journey

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but it's one we all need to take.

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And then second:

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if we want to challenge
the hate in our societies,

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we need to promote policies
and institutions and practices

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that connect us as communities.

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Literally, like integrative
neighborhoods and schools.

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That by the way is the reason
to support integration.


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Not just because
it's the right thing to do,

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but because integration
systematically combats hate.

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There are studies
that teenagers who participate

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in racially integrated classes
and activities reduce their racial bias.

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And when little kids go to racially
integrated kindergartens

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and elementary schools,

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they develop less bias to begin with.

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But the fact is in so many ways
and in so many places around our world,

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we are separated from each other.

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In the United States for instance,

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three-quarters of white people
don't have any non-white friends.

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So in addition to promoting
those proactive solutions,

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the other thing we need to do
is upend the hate in our institutions

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and our policies

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that perpetuate dehumanization

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and difference

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and otherizing

00:14:07.880 --> 00:14:08.802
and hate,

00:14:08.802 --> 00:14:13.090
like systems of sexual harassment

00:14:13.090 --> 00:14:14.850
and sexual assault in the workplace,

00:14:14.850 --> 00:14:18.833
or our deeply, racially imbalanced

00:14:18.833 --> 00:14:22.204
and deeply racially biased
criminal "justice" system.

00:14:22.934 --> 00:14:24.613
We need to change that.

00:14:24.613 --> 00:14:26.488
Again, it will not happen overnight.

00:14:26.488 --> 00:14:28.438
It needs to happen.

00:14:29.859 --> 00:14:32.242
And then ...

00:14:32.242 --> 00:14:34.918
when we connect together

00:14:34.918 --> 00:14:38.645
in these connection spaces,

00:14:38.645 --> 00:14:42.767
faciliated by connection systems,

00:14:42.767 --> 00:14:47.096
we need to change the way
we talk to each other

00:14:47.096 --> 00:14:48.805
and connect with one antoher

00:14:48.805 --> 00:14:53.926
and relate with generosity
and open-mindedness

00:14:53.926 --> 00:14:55.440
and kindness and compassion

00:14:55.440 --> 00:14:56.623
and not hate.

00:14:57.853 --> 00:14:58.850
And that's it.

00:14:59.451 --> 00:15:00.451
That's it.

00:15:00.770 --> 00:15:04.826
(Applause)

00:15:05.154 --> 00:15:06.670
I have solved it all, right?

00:15:06.900 --> 00:15:07.904
That's it.

00:15:07.904 --> 00:15:08.976
That is pretty much --

00:15:08.976 --> 00:15:10.128
there's a few details --

00:15:10.128 --> 00:15:12.101
but that's pretty much all we have to do.

00:15:12.101 --> 00:15:13.824
It's not that complicated, right?

00:15:15.573 --> 00:15:16.797
But it's hard.

00:15:18.625 --> 00:15:24.077
The hate that we feel
towards certain groups of people

00:15:24.077 --> 00:15:26.948
because of who they are
or what they believe

00:15:26.948 --> 00:15:30.306
is so ingrained in our minds
and in our society

00:15:30.306 --> 00:15:33.262
that it can feel inevitable

00:15:33.262 --> 00:15:34.708
and impossible to change.

00:15:37.457 --> 00:15:38.841
Change is possible.

00:15:41.236 --> 00:15:46.259
Just look at the terrorist
who became a peace activist.

00:15:47.603 --> 00:15:52.916
Or look at the bully who learned
to apologize to her victim.

00:15:55.481 --> 00:15:59.618
The entire time I was traveling
around the Middle East

00:15:59.618 --> 00:16:00.817
and Rwanda

00:16:00.817 --> 00:16:02.115
and across the United States,

00:16:02.115 --> 00:16:06.233
hearing these unbelievable stories
of people in communities

00:16:06.233 --> 00:16:08.939
who had left entire histories
of hate behind,

00:16:08.939 --> 00:16:10.396
I was still looking for Vicky.

00:16:11.031 --> 00:16:14.191
It was so hard find her in fact
that I hired a private investigator

00:16:14.191 --> 00:16:15.188
and he found her.

00:16:15.344 --> 00:16:17.108
I mean, he sort of found her.

00:16:17.414 --> 00:16:18.638
The truth is,

00:16:18.638 --> 00:16:19.640
it became clear

00:16:19.640 --> 00:16:24.651
that the person I'm calling Vicky
had gone to extraordinary lengths

00:16:24.651 --> 00:16:26.832
to hide her identity.

00:16:28.715 --> 00:16:30.017
But anyway,

00:16:30.017 --> 00:16:34.683
a year after I began my journey,

00:16:34.683 --> 00:16:36.179
I wrote Vicky an apology.

00:16:38.311 --> 00:16:40.600
And a few months later,

00:16:40.600 --> 00:16:41.715
she wrote back.

00:16:45.209 --> 00:16:47.761
I'm not going to lie,

00:16:47.761 --> 00:16:49.052
I wanted to be forgiven.

00:16:53.192 --> 00:16:54.194
I wasn't.

00:16:56.061 --> 00:16:58.720
She offered me sort of
conditional forgiveness.

00:16:59.171 --> 00:17:01.357
What she wrote was,

00:17:01.357 --> 00:17:06.024
"Messages such as yours
cannot absolve you of your past actions.

00:17:07.026 --> 00:17:10.345
The only way to do that
is to improve the world,

00:17:10.345 --> 00:17:14.260
prevent others
from behaving in similar ways

00:17:14.260 --> 00:17:15.769
and foster compassion."

00:17:17.905 --> 00:17:19.200
And Vicky's right.

00:17:21.633 --> 00:17:22.983
Which is why I'm here.

00:17:23.705 --> 00:17:24.705
Thank you.

00:17:25.090 --> 00:17:28.017
(Applause)