WEBVTT

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[Music]

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one of the powers of innocence is the

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ability to have a world that is safe to

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be able to play

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and experiment in

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without the threat of danger

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what happens with pornography or when

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sexuality intrudes through any form

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of violation

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as you all of a sudden realize there's a

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parallel world

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next to yours

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and that if you walk through this door

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nothing will ever be the same

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[Music]

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i remember being a kid and looking at a

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rosebud and thinking how pretty it was

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and i remember thinking oh well i want

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it to open up like a rose you know so

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i'll just pull back all the petals

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and it'll open up it'll be beautiful

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like a rose

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now i realize you can't force that

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that happens when that flower is ready

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to open and when it's being fed and

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nurtured and it opens and it's very

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similar to a child's or adolescent

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sexuality you know if you try to open

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those pedals too early

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i mean they will grow and they will open

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but they're going to be damaged

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they're not going to be the same person

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that they would have been

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[Music]

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[Music]

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so

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[Music]

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growing up my dad planted a church in a

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small rural town where everyone knows

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everyone

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we would always hang out in the streets

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you know playing football with the

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neighbors and stuff like that

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[Music]

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we're in this playground and

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a friend of mine was like hey richie i

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want to show you a picture

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[Music]

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he shows me this picture of this topless

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girl

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these sensations go through my body i'm

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not even aware of the language or even

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what to you know recognize or call them

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and

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i never forgot that it was like

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imprinted in my heart

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the next week or so

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i'm riding my bike

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and out of nowhere this paper blows on

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my yard

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i went over there and picked it up and

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it was a full page like someone ripped

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it out of a playboy magazine

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and i was like this is it this is like

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my chance of actually

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getting pornography for myself

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so i actually folded it put in my pocket

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and hid it in my room

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every time it was time for bed i would

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literally just take it out

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lock the door

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and just start looking at it

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and i remember doing that for hours even

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as a child

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[Music]

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from there

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porn created this whole mental script

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on how to relate to the opposite sex

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and so i remember i wanted to pursue

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girls

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[Music]

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and i had no idea how to approach them i

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had no idea how to start the

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conversation

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all i knew was he you know we go to the

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room and have sex

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[Music]

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so it's like how do you start a

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conversation

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so i'm like well

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i'll just um

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just be the shy type but it's all

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manipulation

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and so that's how i learned it was be a

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manipulator

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so

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when i first had a relationship

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i remember just thinking

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i hope she's gonna be okay with me

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putting my hands on her breasts

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and i hope that i can put my hands down

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her pants

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in my mind i'm hoping this happens i'm

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not going to push it i just want to be

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one of the shy guys and just kind of

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just sneak it in that way so that way i

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can i can gain her trust and then i can

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go ahead and just

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do what i want what i saw in the

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pictures

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[Music]

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[Music]

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there's pretty good documentation that

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the earlier someone is exposed to really

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explicit pornography and sexual imagery

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the more likely it is that they're going

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to have compulsive and addictive

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problems around their sexuality as an

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adult

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because that nine-year-old does not have

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the emotional and biological development

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to be able to really understand what the

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meaning is of what he knows it's

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incredibly arousing and amazing and

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distracting and fun and it feels good to

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look at but their brains are really not

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ready to handle it

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[Music]

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our sexuality is wired into us

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the most sexual organ is between our

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ears not between our legs

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so when you are developing your brain

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sexually

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what happens is that pornography

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begins building that script this is the

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way we're supposed to think about it

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and so when a young person views

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pornographic material they're

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neurologically now starting to put

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bricks in this wall of kind of building

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the structure of what sex means

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[Music]

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adolescent brain is not an adult brain

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with less experience it is in a unique

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place it is anatomically physiologically

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and biologically different and what

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occurs during adolescence is several

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brain changes that have a purpose and

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the purpose is to become very excited

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about sensation seeking about rewards

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about sex

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and it's to become wired up actually

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changing the structure of the brain to

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wire up to the environment

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and it has been shown to occur with

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nerve connections

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the way nerves connect and intertwine is

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really the basis for all learning and

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all memory

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so what occurs is around age 11 the

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adolescent brain prunes down these

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connections until you're set with the

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connections that will perhaps last a

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lifetime

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pornography is a teacher and modeler of

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sexual templates

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particularly when they're

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modeled early

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because it's a powerful neuroplasticity

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device

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neuroplasticity means that our brain

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changes and we change when we want and

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when we learn and we have seen it in

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pornography now people who are watching

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pornography compulsively their brains

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look different from those that are not

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a leading researcher said recently to me

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we are in the midst of the single

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largest unregulated social experiment in

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human history and what he was talking

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about

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was the inundation

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of the brains of young children

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with content that they're not prepared

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to deal with

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and what it is doing is normalizing

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behavior that is going to affect

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particularly young boys is going to

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affect their view of women their fewer

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relationships their view of the world

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[Music]

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a few years ago when i was 16.

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i

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dated this guy and we were both virgins

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maybe a month into our relationship we

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ended up having sex

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the next morning he was like hey i want

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to show you something

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we watched porn and i had never seen i

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didn't even know it was

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a thing

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until then but then that was when i

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realized he watches this all the time

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and he told me he's like i watch it all

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the time it's not a big deal

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over the course of our relationship the

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different sexual things that he wanted

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to do became more and more

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vile and abusive and

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[Music]

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uh

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scary for me

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i just remember he would talk about

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wanting to do like certain things that

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he would see

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in porn and he said

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that

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one of his favorite things about porn is

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how

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um at the end of some of the more

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hardcore ones

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the guy

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will

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[Music]

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punch a girl in the nose

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and

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finish on her face

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and it looks like a cherry sundae

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and i was like do not do that to me you

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can't do that to me and he was like i'm

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not gonna tell you like when i'm gonna

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do it it'll just be a surprise like you

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won't even have to think about it before

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and

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i just

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i was just scared

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i just

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i was really scared i didn't want that

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to happen to me and that was when i

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broke up with him

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[Music]

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it really just felt like i was an

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object for his pleasure and like i owed

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him anything he wanted

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the whole point is that

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he was a good guy who started watching

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porn and somehow it escalated to

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him thinking it's okay to punch his

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girlfriend in the nose and finish on her

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face like

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like

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where did that become okay like at some

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point in it he stopped seeing women as

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people because porn like

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messed up his mind

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and just like distorted his whole

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thinking

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[Music]

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there's this very dangerous thing that's

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going on in our culture right now where

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we're not having a strong enough a more

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vibrant conversation with young boys

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about their sexual lives

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in the absence of adults having

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meaningful ongoing open and honest

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conversations with young people about

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sexual behavior their bodies intimacy

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respecting themselves

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the lack of that conversation enables a

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very one-sided and dangerously one-sided

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presentation of sexual behavior which is

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the one that they have access to which

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in very very often case is

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pornography

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[Music]

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we know now that boys are accessing

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pornography at age 11

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and that there's an increasing

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consumption of pornography from girls

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and so if you think about it this way

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pornography is the biggest sex educator

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it is the most significant influential

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sex educator that young people have

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today

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so we have to look at what they're

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learning from this

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when the average 12 year old boy puts

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porn into google

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he's directed immediately to the pawn

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tube site such as you porn and pornhub

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and the most accessible is actually

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called gonzo porn that's the shorthand

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term for the violent porn that has no

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storyline

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[Music]

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if you want more soft core less violent

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porn you're going to have to spend a

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good 10 to 15 minutes looking for it and

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don't tell me that the average 12 13

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year old boy is going to start looking

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for that for 10-15 minutes he's going to

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go to that which is the most accessible

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the most popular pornography it's always

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around how men get satisfied

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it's very very rarely about women's

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pleasure

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women are there as instruments

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they're simply there as as tools

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literally

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for male pleasure

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the images they're seeing are about

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sexuality fused to domination

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an aggressive sexuality

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a sexuality that objectifies women

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treats them as nothing more than objects

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or male pleasure

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it's not about equality or egalitarian

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lovemaking

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it's all about doing something to her

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not sharing something with her

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said you'll do it right

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right

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most porn ends up with women being not

00:14:04.799 --> 00:14:08.399
only presented as the victims of

00:14:06.320 --> 00:14:11.760
violence but often presented as the

00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:15.519
victims of violence who love it

00:14:11.759 --> 00:14:18.639
i want you to do anything you want

00:14:15.519 --> 00:14:20.240
so girls are learning to be compliant

00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:23.519
and they're learning that what's most

00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:26.079
important is to be desirable to the boys

00:14:23.519 --> 00:14:28.480
not that their own sexual agency or

00:14:26.078 --> 00:14:31.638
their own sexual pleasure is important

00:14:28.480 --> 00:14:31.639
at all

00:14:32.078 --> 00:14:36.479
whatever you want to do to her

00:14:34.480 --> 00:14:38.320
however debasing

00:14:36.480 --> 00:14:41.199
however vile

00:14:38.320 --> 00:14:41.199
she says yes

00:14:41.278 --> 00:14:45.919
so in a way what you're doing is you're

00:14:43.278 --> 00:14:48.958
socializing men into thinking that women

00:14:45.919 --> 00:14:51.278
will consent to anything

00:14:48.958 --> 00:14:53.679
it teaches a very one-sided dangerous

00:14:51.278 --> 00:14:55.679
emotionless almost humanless sexual

00:14:53.679 --> 00:14:57.759
experience that so many young men are

00:14:55.679 --> 00:15:00.239
now seeing as being normal this is how

00:14:57.759 --> 00:15:02.480
it happens

00:15:00.240 --> 00:15:04.560
14 year old high school freshman daisy

00:15:02.480 --> 00:15:06.639
coleman says matthew barnett sexually

00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:08.319
assaulted her while she was unconscious

00:15:06.639 --> 00:15:09.919
cornett would later claim the encounter

00:15:08.320 --> 00:15:11.920
was consensual

00:15:09.919 --> 00:15:13.919
22 year old madison smith says the

00:15:11.919 --> 00:15:16.078
encounter started off with consensual

00:15:13.919 --> 00:15:18.240
sex but things turned violent when he

00:15:16.078 --> 00:15:20.239
started to strangle her and force her to

00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:22.079
perform a sex act

00:15:20.240 --> 00:15:24.399
two high school football stars sexually

00:15:22.078 --> 00:15:26.799
assaulted a visibly intoxicated 16 year

00:15:24.399 --> 00:15:29.278
old girl during the crime many did not

00:15:26.799 --> 00:15:31.519
step up to help but nearly all got out

00:15:29.278 --> 00:15:34.078
their cell phones and started snapping

00:15:31.519 --> 00:15:36.839
pictures and tweeting

00:15:34.078 --> 00:15:41.120
within five days children's mercy saw

00:15:36.839 --> 00:15:43.839
444 kids for sexual assault almost half

00:15:41.120 --> 00:15:45.919
of our perpetrators were minors

00:15:43.839 --> 00:15:47.040
gagging strangling

00:15:45.919 --> 00:15:49.519
when a child's acting out without

00:15:47.039 --> 00:15:50.958
extreme violence you have to contribute

00:15:49.519 --> 00:15:52.959
some of that to pornography because it

00:15:50.958 --> 00:15:56.078
directly correlates with the genres that

00:15:52.958 --> 00:15:56.078
kids are being exposed to

00:16:00.720 --> 00:16:04.240
i've seen numbers of these cases that i

00:16:02.799 --> 00:16:05.039
actually worked

00:16:04.240 --> 00:16:08.799
where

00:16:05.039 --> 00:16:10.879
kids who were sexualized early actually

00:16:08.799 --> 00:16:13.919
act out on that because they don't have

00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:16.000
the inhibitions or the knowledge of what

00:16:13.919 --> 00:16:17.759
the actual sexual acts are what they

00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:19.759
mean

00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:21.600
now maybe they'll have the self-control

00:16:19.759 --> 00:16:23.839
to get off that

00:16:21.600 --> 00:16:25.600
the more time they spend reinforcing

00:16:23.839 --> 00:16:27.519
that arousal pattern especially if

00:16:25.600 --> 00:16:29.199
they're looking at violent porn my god

00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:31.198
that's that's the worst possible thing

00:16:29.198 --> 00:16:33.838
they can look at because what what it

00:16:31.198 --> 00:16:36.479
will do will trip the wires in their

00:16:33.839 --> 00:16:38.000
brain it will make them feel really good

00:16:36.480 --> 00:16:40.079
about this stuff

00:16:38.000 --> 00:16:41.278
and it will overwhelm reason in their

00:16:40.078 --> 00:16:43.758
brain

00:16:41.278 --> 00:16:46.958
and they could go down this road and

00:16:43.759 --> 00:16:49.278
find that they don't have the willpower

00:16:46.958 --> 00:16:51.919
to stop themselves from doing it

00:16:49.278 --> 00:16:53.529
and it could surprise them how quickly

00:16:51.919 --> 00:17:12.878
that can happen

00:16:53.529 --> 00:17:12.878
[Music]

00:17:13.759 --> 00:17:18.160
in previous eras to get sexually

00:17:16.400 --> 00:17:20.000
explicit material you had to go to a

00:17:18.160 --> 00:17:22.959
pornographic movie theater you had to go

00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:26.318
to a bookstore now you can access

00:17:22.959 --> 00:17:28.318
pornography sitting at home at no cost

00:17:26.318 --> 00:17:30.720
over the internet

00:17:28.318 --> 00:17:32.000
the internet has made porn not only

00:17:30.720 --> 00:17:34.319
accessible it's really made it

00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:36.400
inescapable because now of course

00:17:34.319 --> 00:17:37.918
everybody has access to porn on their

00:17:36.400 --> 00:17:40.080
smartphone

00:17:37.919 --> 00:17:42.559
including children

00:17:40.079 --> 00:17:44.000
once the online world came about it was

00:17:42.558 --> 00:17:46.000
the game changer

00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:48.960
i mean i went from being a private

00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:50.319
practice clinician with one assistant to

00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:52.079
running a clinic with eight therapists

00:17:50.319 --> 00:17:54.319
and 150 clients a week i mean the

00:17:52.079 --> 00:17:56.079
internet just swamped us

00:17:54.319 --> 00:17:58.720
so many people started having so many

00:17:56.079 --> 00:18:00.960
problems so quickly in relationship to

00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:02.880
online porn and it was really just the

00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:05.600
very beginning

00:18:02.880 --> 00:18:07.039
because i'm now seeing 25 year old men

00:18:05.599 --> 00:18:08.798
who've been looking at hardcore porn

00:18:07.038 --> 00:18:10.079
since they were 15.

00:18:08.798 --> 00:18:12.079
and they've never had a date and they've

00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:14.480
never had sex with a person

00:18:12.079 --> 00:18:18.159
and online porn really feeds that in a

00:18:14.480 --> 00:18:18.160
way that pre-digital porn didn't

00:18:19.359 --> 00:18:23.359
there are actually studies that show

00:18:20.798 --> 00:18:26.160
that the internet has the ability to

00:18:23.359 --> 00:18:28.479
cause addiction-related brain changes

00:18:26.160 --> 00:18:30.960
the same brain changes that occur in a

00:18:28.480 --> 00:18:33.519
drug addiction so that tells us that the

00:18:30.960 --> 00:18:36.160
internet is different

00:18:33.519 --> 00:18:38.720
what's different is the ability to

00:18:36.160 --> 00:18:41.600
control arousal so you're sitting there

00:18:38.720 --> 00:18:42.720
with your mouse and you're clicking on a

00:18:41.599 --> 00:18:44.000
i don't want to look at that i want to

00:18:42.720 --> 00:18:45.600
look at that i want to look at it i want

00:18:44.000 --> 00:18:46.480
to see what george is doing i'm bored

00:18:45.599 --> 00:18:48.000
with that i want to see what this

00:18:46.480 --> 00:18:49.519
person's doing oh what about this

00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:51.279
message i want to read this and you can

00:18:49.519 --> 00:18:53.279
go on and go on and what you're doing is

00:18:51.279 --> 00:18:56.639
you're controlling your arousal you're

00:18:53.279 --> 00:18:59.038
controlling your dopamine

00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:01.759
is the motivation chemical to drive us

00:18:59.038 --> 00:19:05.200
towards natural rewards such as eating

00:19:01.759 --> 00:19:07.919
and achievement and falling in love and

00:19:05.200 --> 00:19:09.679
sexual desire

00:19:07.919 --> 00:19:13.520
when you're in the presence of something

00:19:09.679 --> 00:19:15.038
as arousing as images or a drama of

00:19:13.519 --> 00:19:17.918
sexuality

00:19:15.038 --> 00:19:20.879
your brain is going to produce two to

00:19:17.919 --> 00:19:22.640
four times the normal amount of dopamine

00:19:20.880 --> 00:19:25.679
where we get the word dope

00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:28.160
which is what our brains secrete as what

00:19:25.679 --> 00:19:31.840
we call our pleasure drug and it gives

00:19:28.160 --> 00:19:33.759
us a sense of motivation and joy for

00:19:31.839 --> 00:19:35.279
living our lives

00:19:33.759 --> 00:19:37.119
well food is about a hundred and fifty

00:19:35.279 --> 00:19:41.440
percent spike of dopamine

00:19:37.119 --> 00:19:42.558
and sex is 200 which is equivalent to

00:19:41.440 --> 00:19:44.880
morphine

00:19:42.558 --> 00:19:45.918
sexual orgasm is equivalent to a morphed

00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:48.880
rash

00:19:45.919 --> 00:19:51.280
that's a pretty powerful reward

00:19:48.880 --> 00:19:53.600
there's also though the frontal area

00:19:51.279 --> 00:19:56.319
over our forehead and these are

00:19:53.599 --> 00:19:59.359
important in judgment and in weighing

00:19:56.319 --> 00:20:01.599
the pleasure that we want

00:19:59.359 --> 00:20:04.079
and so you have these competing areas

00:20:01.599 --> 00:20:07.439
you have this dopaminergic drive that

00:20:04.079 --> 00:20:09.599
says do it with this frontal break of

00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:10.400
the brain it says think about it weigh

00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:13.199
it

00:20:10.400 --> 00:20:15.200
and in a way they're competing

00:20:13.200 --> 00:20:16.880
in young people those rental areas

00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:19.360
aren't fully developed

00:20:16.880 --> 00:20:21.919
and so that break isn't there

00:20:19.359 --> 00:20:23.759
our frontal judgment volitional areas

00:20:21.919 --> 00:20:25.759
aren't developed until we're in our mid

00:20:23.759 --> 00:20:27.519
to late 20s

00:20:25.759 --> 00:20:30.558
and so you have an eight-year-old with

00:20:27.519 --> 00:20:32.720
this undeveloped brain who doesn't

00:20:30.558 --> 00:20:35.599
really have the ability

00:20:32.720 --> 00:20:37.519
to weigh or to judge what they're seeing

00:20:35.599 --> 00:20:40.000
whether it's harmful not harmful what

00:20:37.519 --> 00:20:41.359
will the result be if they participate

00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:42.880
in this activity they don't even know

00:20:41.359 --> 00:20:46.158
what it is

00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:48.559
and so when we flood the child's brain

00:20:46.159 --> 00:20:52.159
with these powerful sexual images

00:20:48.558 --> 00:20:54.000
provide this physical emotional overload

00:20:52.159 --> 00:20:56.080
the child is powerless

00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:57.759
there it's absolutely impossible for

00:20:56.079 --> 00:20:59.678
them to resist

00:20:57.759 --> 00:21:01.440
this kind of stimulus

00:20:59.679 --> 00:21:03.519
now we combine that

00:21:01.440 --> 00:21:05.840
with a young male

00:21:03.519 --> 00:21:08.079
who has high hormones and is driven by

00:21:05.839 --> 00:21:11.038
interest and then you combine it with

00:21:08.079 --> 00:21:13.119
the novelty of the internet so all these

00:21:11.038 --> 00:21:15.038
qualities are put together

00:21:13.119 --> 00:21:18.479
and they're matched with our highest

00:21:15.038 --> 00:21:20.640
natural reward and your genes number one

00:21:18.480 --> 00:21:23.519
job and that's reproduction

00:21:20.640 --> 00:21:25.280
and that's what makes today's high-speed

00:21:23.519 --> 00:21:28.759
internet porn

00:21:25.279 --> 00:21:28.759
so enticing

00:21:46.240 --> 00:21:52.480
growing up i was very anti-social

00:21:49.839 --> 00:21:54.558
never really had any friends

00:21:52.480 --> 00:21:56.400
i'd never had a girlfriend until just a

00:21:54.558 --> 00:21:58.240
couple years ago

00:21:56.400 --> 00:22:00.798
so i felt like i was missing out on

00:21:58.240 --> 00:22:02.960
something i was very frustrated i was

00:22:00.798 --> 00:22:05.200
feel like i wasn't um like everybody

00:22:02.960 --> 00:22:05.200
else

00:22:06.558 --> 00:22:10.079
then

00:22:07.440 --> 00:22:13.038
when i was about 11 12 years old

00:22:10.079 --> 00:22:14.480
i found some porn magazines

00:22:13.038 --> 00:22:17.119
given our household we never really

00:22:14.480 --> 00:22:19.279
talked to much about sexuality at all so

00:22:17.119 --> 00:22:21.599
to see something like that was just a

00:22:19.279 --> 00:22:23.440
adrenaline rush it felt like what i

00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:25.038
thought would feel like if i had a

00:22:23.440 --> 00:22:27.759
girlfriend or had a relation real

00:22:25.038 --> 00:22:29.919
relationship

00:22:27.759 --> 00:22:33.038
and of course my progression goes along

00:22:29.919 --> 00:22:35.600
with technology as the internet came

00:22:33.038 --> 00:22:36.798
and we got our first computer i

00:22:35.599 --> 00:22:40.879
would sneak in there when nobody was

00:22:36.798 --> 00:22:42.720
looking and keep on looking at porn

00:22:40.880 --> 00:22:44.400
after a while the stuff that worked

00:22:42.720 --> 00:22:46.319
before didn't work as well

00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:48.080
you'll be able to tolerance

00:22:46.319 --> 00:22:50.000
so it would get more edgier as your

00:22:48.079 --> 00:22:52.399
stuff stuff that i wouldn't imagine ever

00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:54.720
looking at

00:22:52.400 --> 00:22:57.200
then i found a file sharing program

00:22:54.720 --> 00:22:58.880
which i was using to um download music

00:22:57.200 --> 00:23:01.600
and stuff like that

00:22:58.880 --> 00:23:03.440
and there uh by some accident i found

00:23:01.599 --> 00:23:04.558
illegal pornography

00:23:03.440 --> 00:23:06.240
childborn

00:23:04.558 --> 00:23:08.079
and um

00:23:06.240 --> 00:23:10.000
it was so easy to get it it was almost

00:23:08.079 --> 00:23:12.158
as it was as easy as getting the regular

00:23:10.000 --> 00:23:14.640
stuff

00:23:12.159 --> 00:23:16.159
i guess my curiosity got to me so i

00:23:14.640 --> 00:23:17.840
couldn't believe that it could be this

00:23:16.159 --> 00:23:19.760
easy so

00:23:17.839 --> 00:23:21.359
i downloaded it

00:23:19.759 --> 00:23:23.359
and i saw it

00:23:21.359 --> 00:23:24.798
and i got thrush

00:23:23.359 --> 00:23:28.879
it worked

00:23:24.798 --> 00:23:28.879
it worked like nothing else did anymore

00:23:29.919 --> 00:23:33.520
as much as i tried to get away from it

00:23:31.839 --> 00:23:35.359
from time to time i would always find

00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:37.519
myself going back to it because i was

00:23:35.359 --> 00:23:39.759
looking for that fix

00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:40.879
looking back it was a very dark

00:23:39.759 --> 00:23:43.599
journey

00:23:40.880 --> 00:23:45.840
i didn't even come to terms until i got

00:23:43.599 --> 00:23:45.839
caught

00:23:49.440 --> 00:23:55.038
i was a firefighter and i was going back

00:23:51.759 --> 00:23:55.038
home from work about a year ago

00:23:55.919 --> 00:23:58.720
and all of a sudden i had blue lights

00:23:57.359 --> 00:24:00.479
going by me

00:23:58.720 --> 00:24:01.759
pulling me out my truck

00:24:00.480 --> 00:24:04.759
handcuffed me and put me in back of a

00:24:01.759 --> 00:24:04.759
car

00:24:10.159 --> 00:24:13.200
pathologically speaking were you a

00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:14.798
pedophile

00:24:13.200 --> 00:24:16.640
no

00:24:14.798 --> 00:24:18.639
how would you explain reaching that

00:24:16.640 --> 00:24:21.360
point of wanting to see a child in a

00:24:18.640 --> 00:24:21.360
sexual act

00:24:21.839 --> 00:24:25.599
it was

00:24:22.720 --> 00:24:27.919
the dangerous dangerousness of it it was

00:24:25.599 --> 00:24:30.000
dangerous it was wrong and

00:24:27.919 --> 00:24:32.720
that part was appealing too

00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:35.440
just how wrong it was but

00:24:32.720 --> 00:24:37.519
it was what worked it was like the

00:24:35.440 --> 00:24:39.480
the heroin of

00:24:37.519 --> 00:24:52.900
pornography

00:24:39.480 --> 00:24:52.900
[Music]

00:24:55.839 --> 00:25:00.079
for each individual it's unclear what

00:24:57.759 --> 00:25:01.759
the outcome of viewing pornography will

00:25:00.079 --> 00:25:03.278
be

00:25:01.759 --> 00:25:04.558
it's not uncommon the more you look at

00:25:03.278 --> 00:25:05.839
porn the more you're going to stumble

00:25:04.558 --> 00:25:07.839
into things

00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:09.439
and so you may stumble into a genre of

00:25:07.839 --> 00:25:11.359
pornography that's inherently violent

00:25:09.440 --> 00:25:13.120
like rape porn

00:25:11.359 --> 00:25:15.038
where you may stumble into an area of

00:25:13.119 --> 00:25:16.239
pornography like child porn or something

00:25:15.038 --> 00:25:17.919
like that

00:25:16.240 --> 00:25:20.000
most people don't start out saying i

00:25:17.919 --> 00:25:21.919
want to go into this particular type of

00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.240
porn this is what i'm into it's that

00:25:21.919 --> 00:25:26.320
process by which you are now caught up

00:25:24.240 --> 00:25:28.480
in this wave of sexual arousal and

00:25:26.319 --> 00:25:30.639
excitement and so what happens then is

00:25:28.480 --> 00:25:33.599
you now as you're exposed to more things

00:25:30.640 --> 00:25:35.440
you run the risk of now being bound to

00:25:33.599 --> 00:25:37.439
more and more of these dangerous really

00:25:35.440 --> 00:25:40.960
uh dishonoring forms of pornography or

00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:40.960
illegal forms of pornography too

00:25:41.359 --> 00:25:45.759
sex addiction is often about escalation

00:25:44.000 --> 00:25:47.759
so someone could start looking at more

00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:49.679
violent images

00:25:47.759 --> 00:25:51.359
or more abusive images

00:25:49.679 --> 00:25:53.038
or things that they really never even

00:25:51.359 --> 00:25:54.719
thought would turn them on

00:25:53.038 --> 00:25:56.400
even though it might feel shameful or

00:25:54.720 --> 00:25:58.079
uncomfortable it's still intense and it

00:25:56.400 --> 00:26:00.320
makes the heart beat faster and faster

00:25:58.079 --> 00:26:02.319
and faster and that's very much what the

00:26:00.319 --> 00:26:04.079
non-substance addictions are about

00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:05.519
they're about adrenaline they're about

00:26:04.079 --> 00:26:07.759
endorphins they're about dopamine

00:26:05.519 --> 00:26:09.519
they're about feeling high and excited

00:26:07.759 --> 00:26:12.720
and totally into what you're doing for

00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:14.720
the sake of emotional escape

00:26:12.720 --> 00:26:16.880
the thing i'm most concerned with is

00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:19.120
that escalator effect

00:26:16.880 --> 00:26:21.520
the fact that today's images

00:26:19.119 --> 00:26:23.359
are not going to satisfy you tomorrow

00:26:21.519 --> 00:26:25.639
and tomorrow's images are not going to

00:26:23.359 --> 00:26:28.158
satisfy you the next day and there is a

00:26:25.640 --> 00:26:30.000
continuing quest

00:26:28.159 --> 00:26:31.200
for something new for something

00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:33.440
different

00:26:31.200 --> 00:26:36.080
and at some point because of the basic

00:26:33.440 --> 00:26:37.200
inclination of the person

00:26:36.079 --> 00:26:42.359
there's at least going to be a

00:26:37.200 --> 00:26:42.360
temptation to experience it in real life

00:26:51.750 --> 00:26:54.818
[Music]

00:26:55.200 --> 00:27:00.080
my junior senior year of high school i

00:26:58.319 --> 00:27:01.439
was getting more popular with not just

00:27:00.079 --> 00:27:04.399
girls but just with the whole school

00:27:01.440 --> 00:27:06.080
being homecoming king

00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:08.159
i started getting a little bit away from

00:27:06.079 --> 00:27:09.839
the porn a little bit it was just like

00:27:08.159 --> 00:27:11.520
an afterthought unless something

00:27:09.839 --> 00:27:14.558
triggered it

00:27:11.519 --> 00:27:16.879
and so i graduated from high school

00:27:14.558 --> 00:27:20.200
and i fell in love with this girl who's

00:27:16.880 --> 00:27:20.200
not my wife

00:27:20.240 --> 00:27:24.159
we moved from this town into actually

00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:27.200
where our family's at and everything

00:27:24.159 --> 00:27:27.200
both sides of our family

00:27:29.359 --> 00:27:34.158
it was during that time where i i was

00:27:31.839 --> 00:27:36.959
passing by a street here in town and

00:27:34.159 --> 00:27:38.720
there was like this adult store

00:27:36.960 --> 00:27:39.759
and i remember i'm like i don't want to

00:27:38.720 --> 00:27:41.679
go there

00:27:39.759 --> 00:27:44.319
i don't want to go there because if i go

00:27:41.679 --> 00:27:47.720
there that's it i'm going to go ride

00:27:44.319 --> 00:27:47.720
back to the bottom

00:27:48.319 --> 00:27:52.158
sure enough i found myself opening the

00:27:50.880 --> 00:27:53.290
door

00:27:52.159 --> 00:27:55.039
and i'm walking right in

00:27:53.289 --> 00:27:56.720
[Music]

00:27:55.038 --> 00:28:00.119
this was before smartphones this was

00:27:56.720 --> 00:28:00.120
like an 0.405

00:28:01.278 --> 00:28:04.980
and so i would just go to the adult

00:28:03.038 --> 00:28:08.278
store as often as i could

00:28:04.980 --> 00:28:08.278
[Music]

00:28:09.200 --> 00:28:14.159
from there the relationship i had with

00:28:11.359 --> 00:28:17.119
pornography was definitely progressive

00:28:14.159 --> 00:28:19.440
so you know first it was just a girl

00:28:17.119 --> 00:28:21.678
and then it became two girls

00:28:19.440 --> 00:28:25.440
and it was an orgy

00:28:21.679 --> 00:28:28.159
then it was oh all this behavior with

00:28:25.440 --> 00:28:31.919
certain body parts these fetishes

00:28:28.159 --> 00:28:34.320
and i'm like i really like this

00:28:31.919 --> 00:28:37.600
it came to a point where it's like

00:28:34.319 --> 00:28:39.759
uh i need to experience what i'm seeing

00:28:37.599 --> 00:28:42.319
because this is just like

00:28:39.759 --> 00:28:44.240
amazing what i'm seeing oh but it's just

00:28:42.319 --> 00:28:46.319
paper oh but it's just the page oh but

00:28:44.240 --> 00:28:48.558
it's on my phone

00:28:46.319 --> 00:28:49.918
my wife won't do any of this stuff no

00:28:48.558 --> 00:28:54.079
way she's gonna say where are you

00:28:49.919 --> 00:28:54.080
getting these ideas from so i'm like

00:28:54.558 --> 00:28:58.480
a stranger

00:28:56.079 --> 00:29:00.879
paying for it duh

00:28:58.480 --> 00:29:02.960
i pay for it and they do what i tell

00:29:00.880 --> 00:29:05.520
them because i'm paying for it

00:29:02.960 --> 00:29:05.519
that was it

00:29:10.319 --> 00:29:14.960
one night my wife was going to some

00:29:12.798 --> 00:29:17.839
function at church

00:29:14.960 --> 00:29:21.200
my kids were with my parents

00:29:17.839 --> 00:29:21.199
and i had my own laptop

00:29:21.759 --> 00:29:26.720
so i go on craigslist and i'm like

00:29:24.079 --> 00:29:29.439
what's this personal stuff

00:29:26.720 --> 00:29:32.558
i can contact someone here

00:29:29.440 --> 00:29:35.919
oh i am free right now to do whatever i

00:29:32.558 --> 00:29:37.038
want and no one knows anything

00:29:35.919 --> 00:29:39.278
and i said

00:29:37.038 --> 00:29:41.278
i'm gonna call

00:29:39.278 --> 00:29:43.038
so i'm like hi

00:29:41.278 --> 00:29:44.558
yeah we give massages and i'm like oh

00:29:43.038 --> 00:29:46.558
that's cool all right

00:29:44.558 --> 00:29:49.119
nude massages i'm like oh that's that's

00:29:46.558 --> 00:29:51.119
great that's fine

00:29:49.119 --> 00:29:52.319
so when can i come

00:29:51.119 --> 00:29:54.639
and she's like you can come right now if

00:29:52.319 --> 00:29:58.158
you want and i said right now that's

00:29:54.640 --> 00:29:58.159
what i needed to hear right now

00:30:01.359 --> 00:30:06.798
i go there and

00:30:03.440 --> 00:30:08.720
i'm naked and she's naked

00:30:06.798 --> 00:30:11.679
i can literally feel my heart pumping

00:30:08.720 --> 00:30:14.000
out of my chest and my mouth dry and my

00:30:11.679 --> 00:30:15.679
fingers shaking and i'm like what's

00:30:14.000 --> 00:30:17.200
going on what going on what's going on

00:30:15.679 --> 00:30:20.519
what am i doing what am i doing i'm

00:30:17.200 --> 00:30:20.519
thinking this

00:30:22.079 --> 00:30:26.960
but because of all those unspoken

00:30:25.599 --> 00:30:28.959
secrets

00:30:26.960 --> 00:30:31.360
they all just started taking over me and

00:30:28.960 --> 00:30:33.519
saying this is your chance

00:30:31.359 --> 00:30:36.240
this is your chance to be like a porn

00:30:33.519 --> 00:30:38.398
star or you can say and ask the person

00:30:36.240 --> 00:30:40.558
to do whatever you want and because

00:30:38.398 --> 00:30:42.079
you're paying for it they will do it

00:30:40.558 --> 00:30:43.200
when your wife was like i don't want to

00:30:42.079 --> 00:30:45.759
do that

00:30:43.200 --> 00:30:47.440
should this lady here she will and i

00:30:45.759 --> 00:30:51.839
said in my mind

00:30:47.440 --> 00:30:51.840
that is so right it's so true

00:30:53.039 --> 00:30:55.678
[Music]

00:30:54.640 --> 00:30:59.120
and so

00:30:55.679 --> 00:31:02.159
that was the lowest i have ever been

00:30:59.119 --> 00:31:04.269
and it was a porn dream that i had as a

00:31:02.159 --> 00:31:14.130
child

00:31:04.269 --> 00:31:14.129
[Music]

00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:22.558
after we were finished

00:31:20.240 --> 00:31:23.839
she looked at my ring

00:31:22.558 --> 00:31:26.798
and she was like

00:31:23.839 --> 00:31:29.599
how are you and your wife

00:31:26.798 --> 00:31:32.639
and i said something so twisted

00:31:29.599 --> 00:31:34.000
i said you know i love my wife and she

00:31:32.640 --> 00:31:36.799
was like you do

00:31:34.000 --> 00:31:37.369
and i said i i do

00:31:36.798 --> 00:31:39.278
i need to go

00:31:37.369 --> 00:31:41.359
[Music]

00:31:39.278 --> 00:31:43.200
i gave her my money

00:31:41.359 --> 00:31:45.359
and i left

00:31:43.200 --> 00:31:47.840
and i went in my car

00:31:45.359 --> 00:31:50.240
and i wept

00:31:47.839 --> 00:31:53.439
i said i can't believe i did this oh my

00:31:50.240 --> 00:31:56.720
gosh like this trust

00:31:53.440 --> 00:32:00.038
am i going to tell anyone this

00:31:56.720 --> 00:32:00.038
it was scary

00:32:00.079 --> 00:32:07.149
[Music]

00:32:07.278 --> 00:32:12.230
okay

00:32:09.089 --> 00:32:12.230
[Music]

00:32:13.679 --> 00:32:18.310
take us back to that moment that you

00:32:16.240 --> 00:32:20.640
found out what did he say to you

00:32:18.309 --> 00:32:24.319
[Music]

00:32:20.640 --> 00:32:26.799
we were lying in bed and he asked me to

00:32:24.319 --> 00:32:29.200
not get mad at him he was going to tell

00:32:26.798 --> 00:32:31.759
me something he's like you promise you

00:32:29.200 --> 00:32:33.600
don't get mad and i was like i promise

00:32:31.759 --> 00:32:36.798
he's like you promise you won't get mad

00:32:33.599 --> 00:32:38.158
and i was like yeah just tell me

00:32:36.798 --> 00:32:40.960
um

00:32:38.159 --> 00:32:43.360
and so he tells me

00:32:40.960 --> 00:32:46.240
and it just like felt like i got punched

00:32:43.359 --> 00:32:46.240
in the heart

00:32:47.278 --> 00:32:50.880
um

00:32:48.960 --> 00:32:53.600
and he just started crying and i just

00:32:50.880 --> 00:32:53.600
held him

00:32:54.240 --> 00:33:00.240
i just held him because

00:32:57.119 --> 00:33:01.789
i've messed up really bad you know

00:33:00.240 --> 00:33:06.108
and people would hold me

00:33:01.789 --> 00:33:06.108
[Music]

00:33:06.558 --> 00:33:10.879
and um

00:33:08.650 --> 00:33:12.480
[Music]

00:33:10.880 --> 00:33:14.320
so that was hard

00:33:12.480 --> 00:33:15.679
because i was

00:33:14.319 --> 00:33:18.480
you know

00:33:15.679 --> 00:33:20.480
expressing love to him and then i felt

00:33:18.480 --> 00:33:23.390
like i didn't want you to be by him

00:33:20.480 --> 00:33:24.558
anymore

00:33:23.390 --> 00:33:26.720
[Music]

00:33:24.558 --> 00:33:27.759
and she's like richie i can't even see

00:33:26.720 --> 00:33:30.159
you right now

00:33:27.759 --> 00:33:31.919
you need to sleep in the boys room

00:33:30.159 --> 00:33:33.200
so i'd be in the boys room and my boys

00:33:31.919 --> 00:33:35.919
would be like

00:33:33.200 --> 00:33:38.480
why are you here daddy

00:33:35.919 --> 00:33:41.519
i remember crying i hurt mama

00:33:38.480 --> 00:33:41.519
i hurt mommy and

00:33:41.599 --> 00:33:45.759
i i'm here right now i need i was so

00:33:44.240 --> 00:33:47.759
broken i just remember saying i hurt

00:33:45.759 --> 00:33:49.519
mama

00:33:47.759 --> 00:33:53.038
and

00:33:49.519 --> 00:33:55.278
hearing myself saying that to my my own

00:33:53.038 --> 00:33:57.519
son my two little boys

00:33:55.278 --> 00:34:02.200
something in my heart was like

00:33:57.519 --> 00:34:02.200
i remember when i was their age

00:34:06.079 --> 00:34:09.840
i don't want this to repeat in my kids

00:34:10.800 --> 00:34:47.710
this can't happen anymore

00:34:13.360 --> 00:34:47.710
[Music]

00:34:51.900 --> 00:34:55.900
[Music]

00:35:01.519 --> 00:35:13.909
[Music]

00:35:18.230 --> 00:35:39.240
[Music]

00:35:36.239 --> 00:35:39.239
so

00:35:40.079 --> 00:35:46.460
[Music]

00:35:52.550 --> 00:35:55.929
[Music]

00:35:59.230 --> 00:36:37.030
[Music]

00:36:57.119 --> 00:36:59.200
you