0:00:00.120,0:00:02.100
- [Announcer] Coming[br]up on "Dystopia Daily".

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- You're gonna die alone unless[br]you start looking relatable.

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"Mentally ill and only[br]listens to sad music."

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Why is the hand on the neck?

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Big bottom energy.

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(skeleton laughs)

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Gay rights.

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Are you relentlessly chasing that dick?

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(sad music)

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Oh my God!

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(upbeat music)

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Hi, I'm Dan.

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And to further exploit the[br]parasocial relationship

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that I have with my followers,

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I am now going to interact[br]with you because I know you.

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I love you.

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We are friends.

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Buy tickets to come see me[br]on tour at danielhowell.com.

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Welcome to Community Corner.

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(bright music)

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Now, if I know one thing,[br]it is how to sell yourself.

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'Cause you know, if I'm[br]working with all of this

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and I manage to pull this together,

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then you have no excuse to[br]not be realizing your dreams.

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You deserve love, and more importantly,

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attention from strangers.

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And I am here to help because today,

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I am going to review your dating profiles.

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(upbeat music)

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I asked you guys to send me[br]the picture and descriptions

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that you are using to brand yourself

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for potential soulmates.

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And this is a big deal, okay?

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I mean, you have to somehow[br]simultaneously look cute, sexy,

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but funny, cool, and yet relatably uncool,

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high-key, low-key, chill,[br]extra and incredibly ironic

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at the same time.

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If people do not like the[br]first word on your profile,

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you are gonna die alone.

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So the specificness of this shit matters.

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Let's see what you are[br]working with, right?

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First up, we've got Bry who[br]said, "I was made for this one,"

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and it is a picture of a coffin

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with some flowers saying, "DAD".

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About me, "You don't have to[br]worry about meeting my dad."

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(Dan laughing)

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I mean, fuck yeah, filter them out.

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That is a good way to do it.

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And people are gonna be in there.

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Marion wants us to judge her.

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I love that you have a[br]friend and you said, no,

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the friend is ugly, gonna[br]put a big heart emoji

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over her face.

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And then, holy shit.

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You have got a photo of you being kissed

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from behind by Shrek.

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Why is the hand on the neck?

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I mean, I don't know, if I saw that,

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I would be like, "Swipe!"

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A picture of me. What the hell?

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I matched with John in 2019.

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I told him he looked familiar,

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and then he deleted his whole profile.

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Hey John, you straight, single, monogamous

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six foot one man with an average build.

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How fucking dare you?

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I'm six foot three.

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"Looking for single women[br]between 18 and 40 for hookup

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and new friends."

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That is so incorrect.

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I am never looking for friends.

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Amelia, hot damn.

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Okay, I'm sorry.

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What is going on this second photo?

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Jesus Christ.

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That is the most sexual hair[br]I've ever seen in my life.

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Does anyone even say yes to you,

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or are they just too scared?

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You might need to turn it down a bit.

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Although I love you just hanging out

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with a bunch of pricks in the first photo.

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Same.

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Ooh, we got Puk here who is into fashion,

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museums, art, and politics.

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All right.

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Jesus Christ. Who are you[br]trying to show off for?

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Oh, and then you are[br]listening to Arctic Monkeys

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and David Bowie.

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You're too fuckin' cool. Go away.

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You're gonna die alone unless[br]you start looking relatable.

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Just kidding. I'm jealous.

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We've got one here from[br]Twitter user @cafecrackhead

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who has made a Tinder profile[br]roleplaying as a leaf.

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Age 19.

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Miserable and on the ground.

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Same.

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Are you actually looking[br]to smash with this?

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I mean, what happens?

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Is this like a severe hazing ritual?

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If you can meet me at my[br]leafest, you get the leaf fussy.

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You know what I'm saying?

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Cooper is a clinically[br]hyperactive Jewess in distress.

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Up front with the red flags.

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And wait a minute, you[br]can serve that and that?

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You can give the people that[br]or that on any day of the week?

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You are too powerful.

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Are you going for 100%[br]completion on Tinder?

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Em lives in Glasgow.

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She is mentally ill and[br]only listens to sad music

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by pretty women like Phoebe and Lorde.

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(Dan laughing)

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Starredhowell.

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I have to be nice to this person.

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Okay, here we go.

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"When I was being slutty[br]in my first year of uni,

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this was my profile.

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Also, I quickly discovered[br]I needed a physics tutor

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so I clickbaited men[br]into matching with me.

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LMFAO.

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If you know college[br]physics, please superlike me

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and I will match."

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(Dan laughing)

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Get it, girl. Hell yeah.

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You know, I was questioning[br]the dateability of you guys.

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This is going quite well.

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Steph O Sims is coming in.

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"My dump truck so fat, I[br]haven't been able to fit

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through a door frame since 2017."

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Good for you.

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I went for Halloween[br]dressed as Areola Grande,

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and it's just a giant tit with bunny ears.

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Areola Grande. Who would[br]not match with you?

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What else do you need?

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Okay, Aiyuna went to Vegas, good for you.

0:04:55.980,0:04:59.220
And I can see in your fifth[br]photo you chose to include one

0:04:59.220,0:05:01.380
of you taking a selfie[br]with a mascot outside

0:05:01.380,0:05:03.090
of Hershey's Chocolate World.

0:05:03.090,0:05:04.230
Priorities.

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Though unfortunately, Americans,

0:05:05.880,0:05:07.380
Hershey's does taste like piss

0:05:07.380,0:05:09.080
and your dead grandma's ashes, so.

0:05:09.960,0:05:11.100
MacDoesIt tweeted me.

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Oh my God, I watch your videos

0:05:12.630,0:05:14.070
when I'm just like in the bath,

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wanting to hear some[br]opinions about fashion.

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And you were banned from Tinder.

0:05:17.555,0:05:19.116
(Dan laughing)

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What? What happened here?

0:05:21.187,0:05:22.440
"This decision is final.

0:05:22.440,0:05:25.230
You will no longer be able to[br]access your Tinder account."

0:05:25.230,0:05:27.150
What about all the matches you made?

0:05:27.150,0:05:30.480
What if you found your[br]superlike fantasy husband

0:05:30.480,0:05:31.313
from the future,

0:05:31.313,0:05:32.610
and you'll never be able[br]to contact them again?

0:05:32.610,0:05:33.930
We got Hunter coming in.

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Immediately, he's got a cello out.

0:05:36.300,0:05:37.860
Cello out for the lads.

0:05:37.860,0:05:39.870
Absolutely. Tickle that G string.

0:05:39.870,0:05:41.190
And a pussy on the shoulder.

0:05:41.190,0:05:42.023
And your About Me:

0:05:42.023,0:05:45.240
"You should be that boyfriend[br]who plays video games with me.

0:05:45.240,0:05:46.560
Smiley Face.

0:05:46.560,0:05:48.930
Maybe I could teach you a[br]thing or two about music."

0:05:48.930,0:05:49.860
You've got a cello.

0:05:49.860,0:05:50.910
You got a cat.

0:05:50.910,0:05:52.530
And you've got a one liner.

0:05:52.530,0:05:53.565
You don't need me.

0:05:53.565,0:05:54.398
(gentle music)

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Be free. Frolic into the world.

0:05:55.890,0:05:58.890
We've got Simon from Kentucky who's posted

0:05:58.890,0:06:02.370
an incredibly moody cherry blossom photo.

0:06:02.370,0:06:04.680
And your only question that you answered

0:06:04.680,0:06:06.450
to describe your whole personality

0:06:06.450,0:06:09.663
is I will never shut up about Luigi.

0:06:10.500,0:06:11.340
Fuck yeah.

0:06:11.340,0:06:14.310
Big bottom energy, Luigi has. We all know.

0:06:14.310,0:06:16.380
Mady here, already upside down.

0:06:16.380,0:06:17.340
Goth on the slide.

0:06:17.340,0:06:19.440
Definitely has undiagnosed ADD

0:06:19.440,0:06:21.840
and mommy issues, but at[br]least she's funny sometimes.

0:06:21.840,0:06:23.580
Small boobs, zero ass.

0:06:23.580,0:06:24.720
You know what you got?

0:06:24.720,0:06:25.740
You got sass.

0:06:25.740,0:06:28.380
And who needs ass when you've got sarcasm

0:06:28.380,0:06:29.700
and a completely black outfit.

0:06:29.700,0:06:30.960
That's what I tell myself.

0:06:30.960,0:06:32.160
Well, I don't need to tell myself that

0:06:32.160,0:06:34.080
'cause I've got a dump truck.

0:06:34.080,0:06:35.700
I dunno what I was expecting,

0:06:35.700,0:06:37.590
but I'm so impressed, honestly.

0:06:37.590,0:06:39.870
I'm not saying that I[br]thought you'd all die alone,

0:06:39.870,0:06:41.550
and maybe you can all[br]just find each other.

0:06:41.550,0:06:44.430
Have like a "Dystopia Daily", you know,

0:06:44.430,0:06:46.563
one of those swinger hotel conventions.

0:06:47.580,0:06:48.720
We'll call it a business event,

0:06:48.720,0:06:50.070
and then you can all just[br]cheat on your partners.

0:06:50.070,0:06:52.470
Silas hitting us with the bap.

0:06:52.470,0:06:55.320
He's a student and an online creator,

0:06:55.320,0:06:58.290
and he is goated with the sauce.

0:06:58.290,0:07:01.530
Hey. And no, I'm sorry, what[br]the hell is that sandwich?

0:07:01.530,0:07:02.363
Enhance!

0:07:03.420,0:07:07.590
That would appear to[br]be a piece of ciabatta,

0:07:07.590,0:07:12.590
and then 13 slices of cheese[br]and a single piece of lettuce.

0:07:13.830,0:07:14.880
Is that digestible?

0:07:14.880,0:07:16.440
You are brave. Holy shit.

0:07:16.440,0:07:17.640
I mean, that's what you did after this.

0:07:17.640,0:07:19.320
You did an extremely unholy shit

0:07:19.320,0:07:21.330
after you finished all of those[br]fries and all that cheese.

0:07:21.330,0:07:22.770
Jesus, Jesus Christ.

0:07:22.770,0:07:24.450
And finally, here we go.

0:07:24.450,0:07:25.710
I was waiting for this my whole life.

0:07:25.710,0:07:27.390
We have a Grindr photo.

0:07:27.390,0:07:29.580
James coming in saying[br]that they are looking

0:07:29.580,0:07:33.330
for friends with benefits,[br]toys, twinks, vanilla,

0:07:33.330,0:07:38.330
gaming, and "RuPaul's Drag[br]Race" at the same time.

0:07:38.400,0:07:40.710
Hell yeah. That's what "Drag Race UK"

0:07:40.710,0:07:41.880
while playing a bit of "Mario Kart"

0:07:41.880,0:07:43.470
and I'm being absolutely railed.

0:07:43.470,0:07:45.990
I'm gonna be honest, for[br]the first time in my life,

0:07:45.990,0:07:48.210
I'm not disappointed with[br]my audience. (laughs)

0:07:48.210,0:07:49.290
No, I'm just kidding.

0:07:49.290,0:07:51.360
Wow. Yeah, you are unflinching.

0:07:51.360,0:07:53.790
Is this the generation that I have molded?

0:07:53.790,0:07:56.790
People that are just upfront[br]with their self-deprecation,

0:07:56.790,0:08:00.240
just being unabashedly,[br]horny, terrifying bisexuals

0:08:00.240,0:08:02.250
just let loose into society?

0:08:02.250,0:08:04.110
I'm proud of you.

0:08:04.110,0:08:04.943
Get it.

0:08:04.943,0:08:07.073
And for those of you that[br]were an absolute hot mess,

0:08:07.073,0:08:09.420
I dunno what to say, I'm not[br]gonna be that mean to you.

0:08:09.420,0:08:11.460
But at least population decline is good

0:08:11.460,0:08:12.900
for the climate crisis.

0:08:12.900,0:08:13.870
Doing your part.

0:08:13.870,0:08:14.703
(upbeat music)

0:08:14.703,0:08:18.180
And now like a good friend, or[br]a controlling family member,

0:08:18.180,0:08:21.840
I would never do anything[br]without your permission

0:08:21.840,0:08:23.340
or valuable feedback.

0:08:23.340,0:08:26.700
And the first place any[br]intelligent human goes

0:08:26.700,0:08:27.990
when they're looking for that?

0:08:27.990,0:08:30.093
YouTube comments, of course.

0:08:30.093,0:08:32.490
(upbeat music)

0:08:32.490,0:08:34.626
When I announced the tour of my new show,

0:08:34.626,0:08:35.459
"We're All Doomed",

0:08:35.460,0:08:37.889
I spent way too much time[br]and money making a trailer

0:08:37.889,0:08:39.885
where the moon falls out of the sky.

0:08:39.885,0:08:42.119
(intense music)

0:08:42.120,0:08:44.280
I'm not gonna tell you how much[br]I spent on that six seconds.

0:08:44.280,0:08:47.434
I did a little teaser,[br]weeding out my bucket list.

0:08:47.434,0:08:52.434
Ah, OnlyFans feet picks for[br]charity called OnlyDans.

0:08:52.482,0:08:53.760
And a BTS of the photo shoot

0:08:53.760,0:08:56.100
where I talked about[br]reclaiming picket signs.

0:08:56.100,0:08:58.560
We're kind of going for[br]West Baptist Church,

0:08:58.560,0:08:59.850
but instead of God hates (bleeps),

0:08:59.850,0:09:01.980
it's, "I am one, and that's okay."

0:09:01.980,0:09:02.813
Can I say that?

0:09:03.689,0:09:04.522
(people laughing)

0:09:04.522,0:09:07.410
And what did you have to[br]say about the announcement

0:09:07.410,0:09:10.950
of the most exciting thing Dan[br]has ever done with his life?

0:09:10.950,0:09:11.783
Well, let's see.

0:09:11.783,0:09:14.880
Ella said, "He looks at that[br]skeleton with genuine love."

0:09:14.880,0:09:16.680
And what are the fan theories?

0:09:16.680,0:09:17.820
Who is that skeleton?

0:09:17.820,0:09:19.230
You know who it is?

0:09:19.230,0:09:20.063
Your mom.

0:09:20.063,0:09:21.870
Elias J. said, "Is it just me,

0:09:21.870,0:09:25.260
or does he look extra[br]British in this video?"

0:09:25.260,0:09:26.400
Cry-laugh face.

0:09:26.400,0:09:27.810
What the hell does that mean?

0:09:27.810,0:09:31.200
I can literally only possibly[br]take offense to that.

0:09:31.200,0:09:33.960
Saying I have a big Prince[br]Charles nose or something.

0:09:33.960,0:09:35.610
Clammy Prince Andrew skin.[br]We're not gonna go there.

0:09:35.610,0:09:38.010
Brethney Neal said,[br]"Legally can't die now.

0:09:38.010,0:09:39.510
I have to stay alive for the tour."

0:09:39.510,0:09:40.343
Damn right.

0:09:40.343,0:09:41.520
That's why I'm doing the tour,

0:09:41.520,0:09:44.220
just to gimme something to keep me going.

0:09:44.220,0:09:46.177
And finally, Crow Soto said,

0:09:46.177,0:09:48.000
"Dan wearing all black is gonna blend him

0:09:48.000,0:09:50.820
with the backstage crew and[br]I can't wait to see him."

0:09:50.820,0:09:54.090
You know, this is a thing, me[br]being incredibly intelligent,

0:09:54.090,0:09:56.130
wearing only black, decided, hey,

0:09:56.130,0:09:57.420
I wanna make an all black stage.

0:09:57.420,0:09:59.130
And I realized if I[br]have to stand at the top

0:09:59.130,0:10:02.250
of a staircase with a[br]blinding spotlight in my eyes,

0:10:02.250,0:10:05.670
I will fall down the stairs[br]and die at any moment.

0:10:05.670,0:10:07.530
And people keep saying, "Don't say that."

0:10:07.530,0:10:08.363
It's a numbers game.

0:10:08.363,0:10:09.960
I'm doing like 82 shows.

0:10:09.960,0:10:12.330
I will stack it down the[br]stairs and break my neck.

0:10:12.330,0:10:15.510
So if you wanna see me[br]die, live on stage, get in.

0:10:15.510,0:10:16.920
That's gonna be some good content.

0:10:16.920,0:10:18.090
Well, thank you.

0:10:18.090,0:10:20.760
I'm so glad I spent all that money,

0:10:20.760,0:10:23.910
and I hope that you bought[br]tickets, you sassy fuck.

0:10:23.910,0:10:25.572
Thank you for your support.

0:10:25.572,0:10:26.820
Okay.

0:10:26.820,0:10:30.660
Enough excitement, you horny[br]and doom-mongering devils.

0:10:30.660,0:10:33.540
It is time to slow it[br]down and see some cute

0:10:33.540,0:10:36.660
and carefree images to cleanse your soul.

0:10:36.660,0:10:37.710
Don't blink.

0:10:37.710,0:10:40.103
It is time for some bleach.

0:10:40.103,0:10:42.770
(gentle music)

0:10:45.240,0:10:47.070
And if we are trying to take it slow,

0:10:47.070,0:10:51.030
what better inspiration than[br]today's Eye Bleach mascot,

0:10:51.030,0:10:53.970
Captain Ahab, the tortoise.

0:10:53.970,0:10:56.250
Why are you called Captain Ahab?

0:10:56.250,0:10:58.350
Are you relentlessly chasing that dick?

0:10:58.350,0:10:59.970
Me too.

0:10:59.970,0:11:02.790
This is the kind of pace[br]that I like to take life at.

0:11:02.790,0:11:04.320
I have got no chill.

0:11:04.320,0:11:06.270
Ahab over here has got nothing but chill.

0:11:06.270,0:11:07.440
I am jealous.

0:11:07.440,0:11:10.620
Here are the wholesome[br]things that are happening

0:11:10.620,0:11:11.790
in your lives.

0:11:11.790,0:11:14.043
Head towards the snack.

0:11:14.970,0:11:15.803
You can do it.

0:11:15.803,0:11:18.990
Des is following their dreams[br]of becoming a journalist,

0:11:18.990,0:11:22.080
and got a front page[br]story in the local paper.

0:11:22.080,0:11:23.160
Heck yeah.

0:11:23.160,0:11:24.420
Get that scoop.

0:11:24.420,0:11:26.940
Eddie is working at a stop motion studio,

0:11:26.940,0:11:29.370
and gets to make tiny things.

0:11:29.370,0:11:31.590
Oh my God, they are so cute.

0:11:31.590,0:11:33.030
I wanna crush them.

0:11:33.030,0:11:34.230
That's you-sized.

0:11:34.230,0:11:37.525
Anna's dad's dog had a little nap outside.

0:11:37.525,0:11:39.930
Aw, bet you could out nap them, huh?

0:11:39.930,0:11:42.630
You'll just knock out[br]for a month. Relatable.

0:11:42.630,0:11:47.630
Worm and Maria adopted a[br]cursed demon called Thimble.

0:11:47.760,0:11:48.780
What on earth is that?

0:11:48.780,0:11:51.120
It will be a beautiful[br]addition to your home.

0:11:51.120,0:11:53.670
Jen's daughter loves sitting in bags.

0:11:53.670,0:11:56.130
I mean, why wouldn't you?

0:11:56.130,0:11:58.500
I wish there was a bag big[br]enough for me to get in,

0:11:58.500,0:11:59.670
other than a body bag.

0:11:59.670,0:12:00.720
Sorry, that's not the vibe.

0:12:00.720,0:12:03.030
Lucy met a bunch of friends at college,

0:12:03.030,0:12:06.000
and they look like the[br]best bunch of dorks ever.

0:12:06.000,0:12:07.143
Isn't that right?

0:12:08.010,0:12:10.130
You detecting any micro turtle noises?

0:12:10.130,0:12:10.963
- [Camera Person] Yeah,[br]he makes a little noises.

0:12:10.963,0:12:13.800
- Christine went on a retreat[br]for her master's degree,

0:12:13.800,0:12:15.090
and oh my god,

0:12:15.090,0:12:18.385
you are living in a Windows[br]Desktop background photo.

0:12:18.385,0:12:19.218
(sighs)

0:12:19.218,0:12:21.570
Charlotte saw a corgi in the wild,

0:12:21.570,0:12:24.510
and this corgi said, "Gay rights."

0:12:24.510,0:12:27.303
Can you say, gay rights, Captain Ahab?

0:12:31.110,0:12:33.120
Possibly homophobic tortoise, okay,

0:12:33.120,0:12:34.110
just putting it out there.

0:12:34.110,0:12:36.780
And Chloe graduated with a first,

0:12:36.780,0:12:38.520
and made a dress to celebrate.

0:12:38.520,0:12:41.850
You are so impressive in so many ways.

0:12:41.850,0:12:43.530
I am happy for you.

0:12:43.530,0:12:45.060
Well, whether you wanna stick your neck

0:12:45.060,0:12:47.640
out in the world to bite the leaf of life,

0:12:47.640,0:12:51.180
or retreat into your shell[br]and be put in a box to sleep

0:12:51.180,0:12:54.870
for several months, you are valid.

0:12:54.870,0:12:59.585
Thank you for watching[br]Episode 3 of "Dystopia Daily".

0:12:59.585,0:13:02.252
(upbeat music)