0:00:12.662,0:00:16.662
Well, emotional dependence is very[br]much frowned upon in today's society.

0:00:17.228,0:00:19.962
No one wants to be emotionally dependent,

0:00:19.962,0:00:22.475
because when we think of[br]emotional dependence

0:00:22.475,0:00:25.829
the first thing that comes to mind[br]is a person that's...

0:00:25.829,0:00:28.719
I don't know... clingy, people who don't[br]want to be alone,

0:00:28.822,0:00:32.262
people that don't end relationships[br]even if they are bad.

0:00:32.680,0:00:35.499
And this in our society[br]is exactly the opposite, right?

0:00:35.499,0:00:38.192
In the man and woman society[br]that were made by themselves

0:00:38.192,0:00:41.347
that's bad news; we want[br]people that are autonomous

0:00:41.347,0:00:43.942
self-sufficient, independent.

0:00:44.272,0:00:51.152
However, we forget that we are[br]the most social species on the planet.

0:00:51.292,0:00:53.513
And this is exactly the same as saying

0:00:53.513,0:00:57.263
that we are the most dependent species[br]that there is on the planet.

0:00:57.356,0:01:00.554
All of our development has been social.

0:01:00.554,0:01:02.522
I know many of you[br]will be saying, well...

0:01:02.522,0:01:04.672
it's normal for the kids[br]to be dependent

0:01:04.711,0:01:06.783
but the adults we have to[br]be independent

0:01:06.783,0:01:10.068
that is what psychologists have[br]thought up until recently.

0:01:10.088,0:01:12.833
We thought that development[br]was to go

0:01:12.833,0:01:15.583
from absolute dependency [br]in infancy

0:01:15.583,0:01:18.893
to absolute independence[br]in adulthood.

0:01:18.978,0:01:21.988
But, we now know that people[br]ultimately don't become independent

0:01:22.010,0:01:24.480
Actually, what we know,

0:01:24.480,0:01:28.160
is that if there were an absolutely[br]independent adult,

0:01:28.160,0:01:31.980
that would be a social and emotional[br]disease. It would be a problem.

0:01:31.980,0:01:34.233
Whether because of the [br]solitude of that person,

0:01:34.233,0:01:37.381
or whether because of the lack of empathy[br]that this problems carry.

0:01:37.381,0:01:41.261
Actually, we're not making any progress[br]from dependence to independence.

0:01:41.296,0:01:44.806
What happens is that we change[br]our type of dependence.

0:01:44.875,0:01:49.305
When we are little we have what we call[br]a vertical dependence.

0:01:49.436,0:01:52.033
Ok? I don't know if you see me up there

0:01:52.033,0:01:56.659
In which there is a person that cares[br]and a person that is being cared.

0:01:56.659,0:01:59.040
A person that provides, and[br]another that recieves.

0:01:59.040,0:02:01.350
That is what happens[br]with children and parents.

0:02:01.356,0:02:04.766
Throughout our life[br]the dependency doesn't disappear

0:02:04.766,0:02:06.886
but rather we go on changing its capacity

0:02:06.886,0:02:11.880
up to the point of having the[br]ability to depend horizontally,

0:02:11.880,0:02:15.870
on each other; where one takes care[br]and the other one is being cared,

0:02:15.870,0:02:19.520
but also the one being cared[br]takes care and both give.

0:02:19.520,0:02:25.070
This would be the dependency ratio [br]ideal between adults: interdependence.

0:02:26.089,0:02:29.946
Now you know that there are many adults[br]who don't get there. You know, right?

0:02:29.946,0:02:34.046
Some are your partners, and[br]well they should have reached this point.

0:02:34.314,0:02:37.251
There are people who have difficulties[br]with this transition.

0:02:37.251,0:02:42.169
There are parents that are[br]very good parents with dependent babies

0:02:42.169,0:02:44.827
but when these children[br]become adolescents,

0:02:44.827,0:02:47.866
and they start to seek autonomy,[br]this is a conflict.

0:02:47.866,0:02:50.817
And then there are adults who,[br]in their intimate relationships,

0:02:50.817,0:02:54.323
don't look for these type of relationships[br]but continue to look for these.

0:02:54.323,0:02:57.585
They keep searching for someone[br]to care for them or provide for them.

0:02:57.585,0:03:00.485
Or are there others that are[br]looking for someone to look after

0:03:00.485,0:03:02.075
or for someone who they can save.

0:03:02.075,0:03:04.196
Or, sometimes, someone they[br]can dominate, ok?

0:03:04.447,0:03:06.769
And these are not healthy relationships.

0:03:06.769,0:03:10.999
The good dependency relationships between[br]adults are these: the horizontal ones.

0:03:11.529,0:03:15.877
What does it take to have[br]horizontal relationships between adults?

0:03:15.877,0:03:16.702
Two things.

0:03:16.702,0:03:18.652
That's what I like, to be simple.

0:03:18.858,0:03:21.008
Autonomy and intimacy.

0:03:21.008,0:03:22.728
And now the next question:

0:03:22.728,0:03:25.347
How can we have autonomy and intimacy?

0:03:25.347,0:03:29.006
The first variable is[br]emotional regulation.

0:03:29.006,0:03:31.396
Emotional regulation is all[br]that I have,

0:03:31.396,0:03:35.009
to influence my state of mind[br]and my emotions.

0:03:35.414,0:03:39.464
As human beings we basically have[br]two main types of emotional regulation:

0:03:39.464,0:03:42.472
Self-regulation and co-regulation.

0:03:42.829,0:03:46.439
Self-regulation is all that which[br]I do by myself,

0:03:46.439,0:03:51.271
in order to influence my state of mind:[br]going out to play sports, meditating,

0:03:51.271,0:03:54.211
relaxing...[br]all of this is self-regulation

0:03:54.211,0:03:58.191
co-regulation is what I do[br]with another person or with other people

0:03:58.191,0:04:00.917
to make me feel better.[br]I get bad news,

0:04:00.917,0:04:05.408
and I call someone and talking with[br]this person makes me feel better.

0:04:05.408,0:04:06.579
This is co-regulation.

0:04:06.579,0:04:08.673
These are the two main ways.

0:04:08.673,0:04:12.916
We see that there are people that[br]are very good at self-regulating

0:04:12.916,0:04:17.258
but really bad at co-regulating.[br]What happens to these people?

0:04:17.258,0:04:19.762
When they feel bad or when[br]they experience a dispute,

0:04:19.762,0:04:24.426
they tend to isolate themselves,[br]they go because they need to self-regulate

0:04:24.426,0:04:27.236
before again making contact with others.

0:04:27.546,0:04:29.946
And we also see that there are people[br]who are the opposite.

0:04:29.946,0:04:34.870
That they are very good at co-regulating,[br]but very bad at self-regulating.

0:04:34.870,0:04:37.801
What happens? When there is[br]a conflict or they feel bad,

0:04:37.801,0:04:40.966
they need to find someone else,[br]they look for people.

0:04:42.676,0:04:44.996
Let us imagine that these[br]two become a couple

0:04:44.996,0:04:49.056
You don't have to imagine too much.[br]They're very frequent.

0:04:49.056,0:04:52.938
In which there is an "self-regulator"[br]and a "co" and they have a conflict,

0:04:52.938,0:04:54.468
what's going to happen?

0:04:55.008,0:04:59.718
The "self-regulator" will try to run[br]and the "co" will go behind him, right?

0:05:00.208,0:05:02.306
What happens?[br]There will be no co-regulation.

0:05:02.306,0:05:06.606
They will "co-deregulate" each other.

0:05:06.996,0:05:12.577
This variable, the co-regulation or the [br]co-deregulation, it is the central element

0:05:12.577,0:05:17.237
that distinguishes couples that work[br]the good ones that malfunction.

0:05:18.487,0:05:21.927
That's a problem because people[br]as long as it co-deregulates

0:05:21.927,0:05:26.047
goes further and further, it doesn't[br]come closer, it's getting worse.

0:05:26.047,0:05:30.164
And people, when they co-deregulate[br]don't solve the conflicts.

0:05:30.164,0:05:32.613
So what you simply do? Leave them, right?

0:05:33.803,0:05:38.633
And what makes a relationship grow [br]is the ability to resolve conflicts.

0:05:38.633,0:05:40.283
The conflicts aren't the problem.

0:05:40.283,0:05:42.952
The problem is how[br]we solve those conflicts, ok?

0:05:43.122,0:05:48.481
So notice that, this element [br]apparently insignificant is essential.

0:05:48.481,0:05:52.933
Along with co-regulation, another variable[br]very important is relational security.

0:05:52.933,0:05:55.795
Which is how safe [br]I feel when I'm alone

0:05:55.795,0:05:58.565
and how safe I feel[br]when I'm with people.

0:05:58.565,0:06:01.764
Then we already know where[br]autonomy is.

0:06:01.764,0:06:07.154
If I'm able to co-regulate myself[br]and I'm able to be fine alone,

0:06:07.154,0:06:09.019
I have autonomy capacity.

0:06:09.019,0:06:14.329
If I'm able to co-regulate myself[br]and I'm able to be fine with others,

0:06:14.329,0:06:16.279
I have privacy capacity.

0:06:17.099,0:06:22.779
And this is what we need to be able[br]to maintain healthy adult relationships,

0:06:22.779,0:06:24.173
horizontals we said, right?

0:06:24.173,0:06:26.751
People able to have autonomy and privacy.

0:06:27.371,0:06:34.321
The news I bring you is that[br]those people, we believe they exist.

0:06:35.241,0:06:38.585
We don't know where they are. [br]We're looking for them, don't worry.

0:06:38.585,0:06:40.808
When we find them, we'll tell you.

0:06:40.808,0:06:43.329
I call them "the Greens".

0:06:43.329,0:06:44.364
They're represented with a green dot.

0:06:44.364,0:06:46.504
If by any chance you find a "Green"

0:06:46.504,0:06:48.869
immediately get married!

0:06:48.869,0:06:49.819
(Laughter)

0:06:49.829,0:06:53.592
No domestic partnerships. Get married![br]"But he's so ugly." It doesn't matter!

0:06:53.592,0:06:58.164
But he's a guy and I'm not gay.[br]Well, nobody's perfect! Get married!

0:06:58.164,0:07:00.424
I don't know if he's good...

0:07:00.424,0:07:01.770
Thanks a lot! Thank you!

0:07:01.770,0:07:04.923
(Applause)

0:07:05.993,0:07:09.289
And best part:[br]I don't know if he's good in bed.

0:07:09.289,0:07:11.976
He actually is! That's the worse.

0:07:11.976,0:07:15.796
Because the biggest cause [br]of sexual dysfunction

0:07:15.796,0:07:17.165
is interpersonal anxiety.

0:07:17.165,0:07:21.235
And they don't have it![br]Those guys and girls don't have it.

0:07:21.235,0:07:22.912
I mean, they're good in bed, too.

0:07:22.912,0:07:27.312
¡Get married! Don't think about it[br]and you'll have a happy marriage as

0:07:27.312,0:07:30.300
Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy,[br]you know they did it very well.

0:07:30.300,0:07:35.160
But well, since most people don't [br]we have that high level of regulation

0:07:35.160,0:07:38.311
you'll most likely find yourselves [br]with people with other issues.

0:07:38.311,0:07:43.254
For example, more people at this side,[br]at the co-regulation side, okay?

0:07:43.254,0:07:45.385
They are people who are [br]co-regulated, we said,

0:07:45.385,0:07:48.307
who had more problems [br]for autonomy.

0:07:48.307,0:07:50.477
So what's their fear?

0:07:50.477,0:07:52.917
Many times they are unconscious [br]about this fear.

0:07:52.917,0:07:55.383
But their basic fear is to be abandoned.

0:07:55.383,0:07:57.653
In a real way or emotionally.

0:07:57.653,0:07:59.577
Their fear is people[br]stopping to love them.

0:07:59.577,0:08:03.519
They are constantly[br]forcing people to love them.

0:08:03.519,0:08:07.641
How? Being liked,[br]working for it a lot,

0:08:07.641,0:08:10.481
being very effective,[br]being very efficient.

0:08:10.481,0:08:12.811
I guess many of you[br]can find themselves here.

0:08:13.036,0:08:17.306
Forgetting about their own needs,[br]looking at the needs of others.

0:08:17.421,0:08:19.581
They can hardly say no.

0:08:19.728,0:08:22.676
They say no two times[br]but the third one will be a yes.

0:08:22.676,0:08:24.996
So you always have to insist three times.

0:08:25.496,0:08:29.826
I always say that if you're having a[br]work team, you must have, at least,

0:08:29.826,0:08:33.289
one of this side, we call this side[br]"dependent-submissive."

0:08:33.289,0:08:35.784
You must have at least[br]one "dependent-submissive",

0:08:35.784,0:08:38.789
who is the one doing the tasks[br]no one else wants to do, ok?

0:08:38.789,0:08:42.054
- We have to go to pick up a speaker.[br]- But it's daughter's birthday.

0:08:42.054,0:08:45.679
"We have to go to pick". Three times.[br]"Ok, I'll go". And leaves the daughter.

0:08:45.679,0:08:47.565
So these are very good for work teams.

0:08:47.565,0:08:49.515
They're usually done after 4 or 5 years.

0:08:49.515,0:08:53.545
Fire them and put someone else in.[br]No fixing there anymore. Remember that.

0:08:53.738,0:08:55.108
Getting a bit serious

0:08:55.164,0:08:58.182
these kind of people[br]are the ones that are in risk

0:08:58.182,0:09:00.262
to begin abusive relationships.

0:09:01.202,0:09:05.403
Because they can start them[br]and if they start them it's easier

0:09:05.403,0:09:07.663
people won't let them[br]quit the relationships.

0:09:07.663,0:09:08.923
You can also find...

0:09:08.923,0:09:12.060
And what should we do with them?[br]With the Greens I told you to get married.

0:09:12.060,0:09:14.629
Have you seen these ones are in yellow?

0:09:14.629,0:09:15.749
What should we do?

0:09:15.749,0:09:21.697
It depends... If your mate is[br]a bit caring, that's amazing!

0:09:21.697,0:09:25.503
Amazing! They'll treat you really good.[br]You should go on with them.

0:09:25.503,0:09:28.780
They're a bit a pain in the ass;[br]every month and a half approximately

0:09:28.780,0:09:30.966
they tell you you don't love them enough,

0:09:30.966,0:09:33.872
feel bad when they made you the super gift

0:09:33.872,0:09:35.916
and you didn't remember their birthday...

0:09:35.916,0:09:39.686
Those are little things[br]that you can easily solve.

0:09:39.686,0:09:44.876
If they're very dependent,[br]too much from the obedient side, no.

0:09:44.876,0:09:47.848
One thing is you going out[br]one night with your friends

0:09:47.848,0:09:49.758
and receive one text at 1 a.m. saying:

0:09:49.758,0:09:53.864
"Have fun with your friends, baby.[br]I love you", and another one at 3 a.m.

0:09:53.864,0:09:56.604
That's ok.[br]Another thing is receiving 15 texts!

0:09:56.991,0:09:58.426
If you do get 15...

0:09:58.426,0:10:01.666
If it's your partner and you have kids,[br]you started loving them...

0:10:01.666,0:10:06.436
then you stay with them! But if not[br]there's plenty of people in the world!

0:10:07.007,0:10:11.112
Look around and you'll see. At TED...[br]A lot of people. You can search.

0:10:11.112,0:10:14.636
(Laughter) (Applause)

0:10:14.636,0:10:17.716
Thank you!

0:10:17.856,0:10:20.566
You can also find a person[br]from the exact opposite side.

0:10:20.566,0:10:24.376
If that's from the dependent side, this is[br]the contradependent or avoidant side.

0:10:24.376,0:10:29.046
If they are afraid of autonomy,[br]these ones are afraid of intimacy.

0:10:29.374,0:10:33.114
If their fear was of being abandoned,[br]those ones' fear is to be invaded.

0:10:33.154,0:10:36.474
Losing their individuality, losing [br]that autonomy they treasure.

0:10:36.481,0:10:39.902
What do they do then?[br]They get away, drift apart.

0:10:39.902,0:10:44.062
Tend to put apart the others,[br]need a lot more space than the rest.

0:10:44.192,0:10:47.441
Not only with the others, but also [br]they need space with themselves.

0:10:47.441,0:10:51.354
They don't know it, but they don't notice[br]their emotions in a good way, ok?

0:10:51.354,0:10:53.544
They think they feel less than the rest.

0:10:53.544,0:10:58.424
Either they think the rest of the world[br]is crazy and we have a lot of emotions.

0:10:58.424,0:11:01.358
But they really feel [br]less emotions than normal.

0:11:01.358,0:11:04.010
I'm sorry for the ones[br]that are discovering this today.

0:11:04.010,0:11:07.300
Most of them are physically disconnected.

0:11:07.300,0:11:11.021
They're, usually, the ones[br]who dance very bad.

0:11:11.021,0:11:13.706
They work in computer science[br]with a certain frequency.

0:11:13.706,0:11:16.747
(Laughter) So you get to know them...

0:11:16.747,0:11:20.757
There are simple ways to recognize them.[br]You can put yourselves in front of one...

0:11:20.757,0:11:22.677
They're so far apart. [br]of their feelings,

0:11:22.677,0:11:25.570
that you can put yourselves[br]in front of of one and tell him:

0:11:25.570,0:11:28.320
"Hey! How do you feel? [br]Let's talk about your feelings."

0:11:28.320,0:11:32.110
And they usually get paralyzed.[br]They blink about three times and say: huh?

0:11:32.129,0:11:34.480
Avoidant. No doubts.

0:11:34.480,0:11:40.074
There are evident avoidance manifestos.[br]You've been with him for three years.

0:11:40.074,0:11:43.464
You've never met no one from his family.

0:11:43.464,0:11:45.731
He never met your friends.

0:11:45.731,0:11:49.371
If you haven't noticed he's avoidant[br]I don't know what it needs anymore!

0:11:49.371,0:11:52.350
These are the manifestos[br]but also there are emotional ones

0:11:52.350,0:11:54.944
who are people who,[br]apparently, are very well related,

0:11:54.944,0:11:56.677
but not really intimate.

0:11:57.070,0:11:59.990
By a mystery of nature, [br]that I don't know yet,

0:11:59.990,0:12:02.075
anyone could do a doctoral thesis about it

0:12:02.075,0:12:06.145
in every family there's[br]an emotional avoidant brother-in-law.

0:12:06.145,0:12:10.985
We don't know why. It's this character[br]you meet at Christmas meals,

0:12:10.985,0:12:14.088
at barbecues... You talk to him and says:[br]"How are you? Good".

0:12:14.088,0:12:17.708
"Hey, how are you? Everything fine,[br]very, very good". But he doesn't connect.

0:12:17.708,0:12:19.626
You may know one of those, right?

0:12:19.626,0:12:24.633
Emotional avoidance. It seems that....[br]But intimacy costs you a lot, doesn't it?

0:12:24.633,0:12:27.493
If their self-esteem [br]depended on the others.

0:12:27.493,0:12:30.011
They are less dependent [br]of other people's opinions.

0:12:30.011,0:12:32.492
At a given moment they are[br]more capable to say yes.

0:12:32.492,0:12:35.441
If those who feel [br]don't get what they give,

0:12:35.441,0:12:39.464
they often feel like,[br]too much demand, right?

0:12:39.464,0:12:43.053
Like other people ask a lot of them,[br]they ask for a lot of bonding.

0:12:43.053,0:12:45.043
They also get tired.

0:12:45.043,0:12:47.423
They're people... many times[br]when they are carers

0:12:47.423,0:12:49.003
they're very tired carers.

0:12:49.003,0:12:51.967
And they also feel guilty

0:12:51.967,0:12:54.927
because they feel they[br]don't deserve all the love they recieve.

0:12:54.927,0:12:57.189
Or that they don't want [br]as much as anyone else.

0:12:57.189,0:13:00.984
And the third big block, the one that[br]doesn't have so much to do with regulation

0:13:00.984,0:13:04.351
but with relational security, [br]is the block we call the dominant block.

0:13:04.351,0:13:07.574
If those were submissive dependents,[br]these are self-dependent.

0:13:07.574,0:13:09.323
These are dominants.

0:13:09.323,0:13:13.903
If the dependents are afraid[br]of being abandoned,

0:13:13.903,0:13:16.281
the dominant ones aren't afraid[br]of being abandoned,

0:13:16.281,0:13:18.328
it's like they have, again,[br]unconsciously,

0:13:18.328,0:13:20.228
deep down, the conviction

0:13:20.228,0:13:24.218
that if people really know them[br]they're going to leave them.

0:13:24.218,0:13:27.020
It's like they're worth so little,

0:13:27.020,0:13:29.530
they're convinced[br]that they're going to be abandoned.

0:13:29.530,0:13:32.670
Or, sometimes, the conviction that [br]have come throughout his life,

0:13:32.670,0:13:34.750
is that they can't trust anyone.

0:13:34.750,0:13:37.327
That others are going for you [br]to end up betraying you.

0:13:37.327,0:13:40.497
So, when you're like this, [br]how do you get into a relationship?

0:13:40.497,0:13:41.666
From the control.

0:13:41.666,0:13:45.366
It's the only way they have. So then[br]use different forms of control.

0:13:45.676,0:13:49.156
How? Aggressive control. Direct domain.

0:13:49.156,0:13:50.827
You know you can find a lot of it.

0:13:50.827,0:13:53.547
Sometimes indirect control. [br]Aggressive-passive.

0:13:53.547,0:13:55.497
The one you don't seem to be controlling.

0:13:55.497,0:13:57.465
"Mom, I'm going for some beers."

0:13:57.465,0:14:00.525
"You go, son. Have fun.[br]Well, don't come home too late...

0:14:00.525,0:14:03.473
you know I can't go to bed[br]until you don't arrive home...

0:14:04.243,0:14:07.470
you know I do when I don't sleep, [br]my blood pressure goes high...

0:14:07.470,0:14:10.757
and when this happens, [br]the doctor who can give me a heart attack.

0:14:10.757,0:14:12.447
Be home by 11."

0:14:12.447,0:14:16.057
It would be an aggressive passive domain. [br]That you don't realize.

0:14:16.237,0:14:19.688
There are even more subtle ones, [br]and there are some that we call

0:14:19.688,0:14:21.168
the inverse dependence.

0:14:21.168,0:14:23.677
What they do is taking care,[br]but taking care so much

0:14:23.677,0:14:26.865
that they make you[br]become dependent of that care.

0:14:26.865,0:14:29.045
They're castration-caregivers.

0:14:29.045,0:14:33.155
People who are totally engulfing you.[br]There's a book by Stephen King, "Misery".

0:14:33.280,0:14:37.320
There's a film too that portrays a bit[br]exaggerated about this kind of pattern.

0:14:37.320,0:14:41.253
Well, there you see, there we have[br]those three big sides, right?

0:14:41.253,0:14:43.162
What happens with any[br]of these blocks?

0:14:43.162,0:14:46.452
You can see that none of them keep[br]horizontal relationships, right?

0:14:46.452,0:14:49.318
What happens with these people [br]when they meet the greens?

0:14:49.318,0:14:53.381
They are very few, but we find some.[br]They hardly ever go into a relationship.

0:14:53.742,0:14:57.772
The greens become racist and[br]they don't understand the others.

0:14:57.932,0:15:00.712
But the others don't understand either[br]to the greens, okay?

0:15:00.892,0:15:02.651
What other groups would fit together?

0:15:02.651,0:15:07.121
For example, if we have[br]two caregivers, will they be a couple?

0:15:07.557,0:15:11.197
They both try to please.[br]They both try to take care of each other.

0:15:11.450,0:15:16.030
None being able to receive care.[br]That's not good. That ends it.

0:15:16.131,0:15:20.099
Two avoidants? They may say hello[br]to each other on the street

0:15:20.619,0:15:23.764
but I'm not so sure about it.[br]How are they going to be a couple?

0:15:23.764,0:15:25.929
But imagine the exact opposite:

0:15:25.929,0:15:31.248
A pleasant-caregiver with an avoidant.[br]The pleasant-caregiver can't help it

0:15:31.248,0:15:33.908
he wants to save the avoidant[br]from his sadness.

0:15:34.538,0:15:37.638
He can't, that helpless being, [br]who speaks little and ducks his eyes.

0:15:37.710,0:15:41.040
Look how well they fit together: [br]The Coyote and Road Runner, right?

0:15:41.170,0:15:45.695
The same goes for the dominant [br]and the most submissive, right?

0:15:45.695,0:15:48.814
It's very difficult fot the dominant[br]to fit with another dominant.

0:15:48.814,0:15:51.628
But dominant with submissive[br]they fit perfectly well too.

0:15:51.628,0:15:54.038
That's why we see[br]so many couples of that side.

0:15:54.114,0:15:56.927
That's where they go into,[br]not into a conflictive balance

0:15:56.927,0:15:58.887
but into a conflictive escalation.

0:15:58.887,0:16:02.648
That's why you've seen[br]the dominant have the red lights

0:16:02.648,0:16:04.038
I mean the red light bulbs.

0:16:04.038,0:16:06.608
Those are the ones you[br]mustn't be a couple with.

0:16:06.969,0:16:10.290
Well, those will be a bit...[br]It could work for a while, but...

0:16:10.290,0:16:12.980
The ideas was creating a cartoon

0:16:13.450,0:16:17.106
an animated cartoon[br]of the different kind of relationships.

0:16:17.106,0:16:19.256
How they're formed[br]how they're structured.

0:16:19.256,0:16:23.886
And how they're holding up.[br]I'd like to finish with two quotes:

0:16:24.031,0:16:28.201
From the English poet, Auden[br]that says the following:

0:16:28.201,0:16:32.291
"We must attach or die."[br]He's English but seems Mediterranean.

0:16:32.473,0:16:36.993
And the one from Sartre:[br]"Hell is other people."

0:16:36.993,0:16:40.620
These two quotes represent the two sides.[br]And the idea of quoting is that,

0:16:40.620,0:16:44.873
between these two poles, between that [br]kind of suffocating relationships

0:16:44.873,0:16:47.373
and living the others like hell,

0:16:47.373,0:16:52.303
there's a wide range[br]of possible healthy relationships.

0:16:52.303,0:16:56.723
And these healthy relationships are[br]very interesting for two reasons:

0:16:56.723,0:17:02.487
First of all, because we really[br]know each other in relation to the rest.

0:17:03.057,0:17:07.319
When I'm with the others, [br]when I have conflicts with others,

0:17:07.319,0:17:12.806
In those conflicts, those parts of me[br]that I don't like to see usually come out.

0:17:12.806,0:17:16.813
The second reason why relationships[br]are interesting, I think, is because

0:17:16.813,0:17:22.973
if conflicts are resolved they help[br]for us to learn how to love people.

0:17:22.973,0:17:26.230
They are fallible, they make [br]mistakes, they are wrong...

0:17:26.230,0:17:27.950
Kind of like the rest of us, right?

0:17:27.950,0:17:32.791
So you know, now when I'm done,[br]on the break, when you meet out there,

0:17:32.791,0:17:39.793
get involved, as it says,[br]get involved or whatever you want.

0:17:39.793,0:17:43.943
Depend on each other, but, [br]please, depend in a healthy way.

0:17:43.943,0:17:45.163
Thank you very much!

0:17:45.163,0:17:47.244
(Applause)

0:17:47.244,0:17:48.403
Thank you.

0:17:48.403,0:17:51.243
(Applause)