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www.SubCentral.de
presents...

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The Inbetweeners S03E01
"The Fashion Show"

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Sync & corrections: extreme

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My name is Will McKenzie
and my first year in state education

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has been an unqualified success.

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And by unqualified,
I mean I failed all my exams.

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That said, I have made three friends.
Yep, three whole friends in one year.

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And they're the sort of friends everyone
should have. Ones that are so tragic,

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- they almost make someone like me...
- Feisty one, you are!

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...look normal. But things were
going to be different this year.

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For one, Jay could now drive,
meaning we had a choice

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of which shit embarrassing car
we got a lift to school in.

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Simon's was more yellow,
but Jay's was more dangerous.

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Morning, benders.
Jump in the minge mobile.

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Strange thing to
call your mum's car.

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Jay driving us to school really
did make me feel like royalty.

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Unfortunately, the royalty
I felt like was Princess Diana.

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- Roundabout, Jay!
- Give way to the fucking left!

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Stupid old bint.

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- I think it's the right, mate.
- Is it?

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Oh, wait, yeah,
that does sound familiar.

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- What's that in your ear?
- Oh, it's a piercing.

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It's just a stud for now, but my dad's
mining me a diamond to put in it.

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- Cool.
- Hang on,

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- have you had your left ear pierced?
- Yes.

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Isn't that the one you get
pierced to show you're gay?

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- Fuck off!
- Oh, yeah, that is the gay one.

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There's a quick way to tell, Neil -
which ear has your dad got pierced?

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- Neither, cos he's not bent.
- Course not. Will, which ear is gay?

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- I'm the last person to ask.
- I thought you knew everything?

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I don't know any men who've had their ears
pierced cos I went to a private school.

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- Why have you that done anyway?
- I like to keep my look fresh.

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Plus I'll probably need it
for the fashion show tomorrow.

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Oh, yes, the school charity fashion show.
Where only people deemed good-looking enough

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by other good-looking people
get to take part and raise money.

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- Well, there's going to be special guests.
- Special guests?

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I wonder who that's going to be?
Maybe Beyonce and Jay-Z? The Obamas?

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Look, I don't give a shit what you think
about it, because when I'm up there modelling,

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I'll have my pick of the snatch. Everyone
knows male models get all the pussy.

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- I didn't know they asked you to model, Jay.
- They haven't yet. They haven't asked anyone.

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- I think they have.
- I'm telling you they haven't

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- cos no-one's asked me.
- But it's tomorrow.

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Are you deaf? I've not been asked.

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I'd be the first in line for
any modelling work. Look at me.

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- Well, I've been asked.
- Fuck off!

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Carli's one of the organisers
and she's asked me to model.

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You? Who wants a model
that looks like a spotty baby

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- crossed with the Statue of Liberty?
- Statue of Liberty?

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- His hair.
- Oh, yeah.

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It was hard to know where Jay got
the idea he should be a male model.

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It seemed like it just stemmed from a sense
of thinking Simon was spectacularly ugly.'

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Seriously, what clothes are going
to look better on you than me?

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- Apart from a paper bag for your fucking head.
- Brilliant. Shall we give it a rest now, Jay?

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Good morning. Shut up and
let's get this over with. Right.

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Wait a minute, Cartwright,
what is that?

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It's a stud, sir,
and I don't mean the earring.

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- Take it out or I will rip it out.
- But... what about my human rights?

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You have to be human for those
to apply, Cartwright. Out, now.

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Right, I'm sure that most of you
will remember Alistair Scott.

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- Yes, Sutherland?
- I don't.

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You sat next to him in
registration for four years.

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Oh, Alistair!

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Well, thankfully,
after a tough year,

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they found a donor
and he's finally on the mend.

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In preparation for his return to school,
he's coming in at lunchtime to answer

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any questions you might have
about his illness. Yes, Sutherland?

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- Can I catch it?
- No, you cannot catch kidney failure.

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McKenzie, my office, 10 minutes.

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What's Gilbert want?

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Probably wants me to act as a
chaperone for that Alistair kid.

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Poor guy, imagine
what he's been through.

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- He's a dick.
- Jay!

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What? He is a dick. I never
liked him when he was well,

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I never liked him when he was ill, and I don't
like him now he's getting better. Simples.

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- Oh, he was all right.
- No, he wasn't.

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He was a complete bell-end.
He was worse than Briefcase.

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Thanks very much. Look, he's had a
hugely traumatic time. Maybe he's changed.

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He's not going to have got more interesting in a
hospital bed attached to a drip for a year, is he?

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What a sympathetic view
of a life-threatening illness.

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- And he used to stink. I'm not going.
- Come on, Jay, there might be sausage rolls.

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- Why would there be sausage rolls?
- We had sausage rolls when my nan died.

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- He's not dead, Neil.
- Isn't he?

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They still might
have sausage rolls, though.

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Fine, fuck it, I'll come,
but I'm warning you, he's a dick.

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If Jay thought Alistair was a dick,
he was almost certainly a nice bloke.

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Unlike Mr Gilbert.

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- You wanted to see me, sir?
- "Want" is an overstatement.

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I'm putting you in charge of collecting
the money for tomorrow's fashion show.

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Last time they had a collection for charity,
nearly half the money went missing,

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and then the organisers started
turning up in new trainers.

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Well, whilst I'm really pleased
that you think I'm trustworthy...

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Oh, it's not that.

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I just know that if anything did
happen, I could break you.

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Right. Well, the thing is, I object to
the fashion show on a moral level.

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- I'm sorry?
- It's not about raising money,

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it's a popularity parade. It's just the
self-elected attractive people

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using charity as an excuse to show off.

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Well, this is a first. As it happens,
McKenzie, I agree with you.

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- You do?
- Yes.

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Great. So you understand why I'd
rather not compromise my principles.

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Yes I do, totally. Unfortunately for you,
it's not the First World War.

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You can't conscientiously object.

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So, you either collect
the money, or it's detention,

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starting now
and continuing indefinitely.

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But...you said you agreed with me.

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Yes, I know.
It's a tricky one, isn't it?

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OK, fine, I'll do it. But I'm still
exercising my right to protest.

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Good. Just make sure it's not
a dirty protest like the last one.

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Just as a stopped clock gives
the correct time twice a day,

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once a term,
Neil gets something right.'

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- Told you there'd be sausage rolls.
- Look at him,

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- fucking milking it.
- Jay, he's in a wheelchair.

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- He was always a bit lazy, though.
- I don't think it's that, Neil.

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Why is Carli finding
him so funny? I mean,

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what can he be saying that's
so funny? He was never funny.

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Excuse me, everyone,
quiet, I want to talk.

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I wanted to say
super thanks to everyone

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who's given up their time to take
part in the fashion show tomorrow

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to raise money for a new dialysis
machine for St Margarets.

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Especially all the sexy girls.

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Did he just say "super thanks"?

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No-one told me we was
raising money for that twat.

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- I might think twice about modelling tomorrow.
- You're not modelling anyway.

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It's going to be a gash-a-rama.
I might try getting a job backstage,

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so that way, I'll get to see some
close-up flange, but for charity.

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Hi, Simon. You coming to
the rehearsal after school?

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- Yeah, course.
- How much rehearsal does it take

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- to walk up and down in a straight line?
- It's more for timings and stuff, really.

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- Do you need any helpers, Carli?
- Oh, brilliant, we do, actually.

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Hardly anyone has volunteered and we really
need people to help get the models dressed.

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Christ, I knew they were stupid,
but can't they even dress themselves?

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It's for the quick changes, actually.
Whip one outfit off and another on.

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- If you're sure you don't mind, Neil?
- Are you joking?

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Great, thanks.

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Hey, guys, everybody cool?

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Hi, I'm Will, by the way,
I'm relatively new.

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Are you the kid who
shit himself in the exam?

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Nice to meet you, too. Now, I was wondering
if you and I could have a chat about other ways

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to raise money, ways that could
include everyone, whatever they look like?

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Yeah, could do, only
you're not as pretty as Carli,

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so I think right now, I'm going
to chat to her, yeah? See ya.

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- Carli? Carli?
- Dick.

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You don't think him
and Carli are...

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- If they are, I bet he's "wheely" good at it.
- Brilliant.

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I'm going to have to go. I've got
a missed call from Ralph Lauren.

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Didn't even ring, did it?

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I'm well excited. Imagine the
birds I'm going to see as a dresser.

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It's not top international models, Neil, it's
just girls from school that you see every day.

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Yeah, but I think I'd fancy them
a lot more if I saw them naked.

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I'll say this for Neil, at least his ambitions
were simple. See tits and or fanny.

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Jay's were a lot more unrealistic.

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- Carli, can I have a word?
- I'm a bit busy. What's up?

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I was just wondering if you
need any more models for tomorrow?

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- No, we're fine.
- Good, good.

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I don't know if you noticed
but I've had my ear pierced.

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Oh, right.

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So do you think you
could fit one more in now?

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Well, no, because we only
have a certain amount of clothes.

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- I could wear my own clothes.
- We're probably OK.

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So I'm like "first reserve" then?

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We haven't really got
any reserves, so, sort of, no.

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Cool, cool, cool. Simples.

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How about a free ticket instead?

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Well, it's for charity, so there
aren't really any free tickets.

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Yeah, nice one, Carls.
I'll catch you later, yeah?

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So Jay had a size zero chance of becoming
a model, but Simon was practicing hard.

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Simon's my best friend.
This bloke is my best friend.

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What the fuck do you think
you're doing? Spying on me?

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Spying, is that
how you get your kicks?

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It's all right. It's just I think
we've found the new David Beckham.

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Right, that's it. That is it.

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I'm sick of you people. I'm leaving.

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You're not going out now,
you've got school tomorrow.

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Yeah, run away at the weekend
when you've got your car back.

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Well, I'm not spending another second
in this house with you utter twats!

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Where are you going, Paris or Milan?

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Fuck off!

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He's just like Naomi Campbell.

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So Simon was well on his way
to becoming a supermodel.

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He had the temperament, now all he needed
was bulimia and a cocaine addiction.

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The next night was the fashion show
and I realised in my role as doorman,

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I had the perfect opportunity
to ruin everything for everyone.

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I'm not saying don't give to
charity, do give to charity.

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I'm just saying you can give without
supporting this vanity fest.

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My daughter is one of the models.

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- Then you've failed her.
- What?

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God, 5, please.

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Will, I think it's so great you're
helping out. I knew you'd come round.

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I haven't come round! I still feel exactly the
same about this sham popularity parade.

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You're being such an arse!
What is wrong with you?

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Alistair nearly died. God!

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- Carli! What did you say to her?
- Nothing.

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Maybe a small dose of the truth.

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Will, seriously, you have to stop
cock-blocking with all this principled shit.

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Simon, if Nelson Mandela hadn't stood up
for his beliefs, where would we be now?

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- We wouldn't have Nelson's Column, for a start.
- Yes, we would.

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Right, I'd better have a
piss before this starts.

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- And a poo, Si?
- What have you done?

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- It's my new look.
- What, the Pat Butcher look?

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- I'd say more Pirates Of The Caribbean.
- Exactly!

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- If the pirates shopped at Matalan.
- You won't be laughing

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when I'm getting all the pussy
cos I'm up on the catwalk.

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You're not on the catwalk.
You aren't modelling.

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- I'm first reserve.
- What, in case the models

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fancy themselves so much they
actually eat themselves?

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- You would if you could, though.
- What?

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- Suck yourself off.
- That's not what I meant.

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Yeah, but I bet you've tried it.
We all have.

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I managed to lick the tip once, but it took a
lot of stretching, twice a day for couple weeks.

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- Well, thanks for sharing, Neil.
- Right, I'm desperate for a piss.

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00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:08,056
Neil may have had dirty stretching powers,
but what he really needed was X-ray vision.

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- Oh, what the fuck is this?
- It's a curtain.

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Where's all the birds? I thought it would
be wall-to-wall poontang in here.

214
00:10:13,575 --> 00:10:15,896
- Presumably they're on the other side.
- Well, why have they done that?

215
00:10:15,897 --> 00:10:18,987
- We can't see them getting undressed.
- For that exact reason, Neil.

216
00:10:18,988 --> 00:10:23,334
Fucking bollocks! That's a spanner
to my plan. There's got to be a hole.

217
00:10:23,335 --> 00:10:24,800
Come on, you're meant to
be getting my clothes ready.

218
00:10:24,801 --> 00:10:26,999
Yeah, I think this is
a little bit more important!

219
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,308
- You ready to go, yeah, Simon?
- Yeah, nearly ready.

220
00:10:29,309 --> 00:10:31,522
Great. We're having an after-party
in the common room later.

221
00:10:31,523 --> 00:10:33,551
Mark Donovan's got some booze,
so you'll come to that, yeah?

222
00:10:33,552 --> 00:10:35,797
Yeah, obviously. Amazing.

223
00:10:38,595 --> 00:10:41,534
I was washing my hands and
it splashed back onto my lap.

224
00:10:41,535 --> 00:10:44,987
It's fine. Just make sure everything
is spotless for the runway, yeah?

225
00:10:44,988 --> 00:10:46,523
- I'm really sorry.
- It's OK.

226
00:10:46,524 --> 00:10:49,705
I've got to run. There's a million
things to deal with. Oh, Neil?

227
00:10:49,706 --> 00:10:53,896
- Do you know which boys you're dressing?
- Boys? I thought I was dressing the girls?

228
00:10:53,897 --> 00:10:56,654
No, of course not. You and
Mr Kennedy are dressing the boys.

229
00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:59,350
You were the only volunteers.
See you later.

230
00:10:59,351 --> 00:11:00,856
Oh, no.

231
00:11:01,523 --> 00:11:04,054
Paedo Kennedy? I suppose at least if
you run out of space you'll be able

232
00:11:04,055 --> 00:11:06,301
to hang the clothes on
the end of his erect cock.

233
00:11:06,302 --> 00:11:10,334
So, no naked girls for Neil.
Just a sexual predator in a waistcoat.

234
00:11:10,335 --> 00:11:13,978
Meanwhile, I was having difficulty
convincing proud parents to join my boycott.

235
00:11:13,979 --> 00:11:16,842
- Charity, not vanity!
- Hello, stranger.

236
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,482
- Charlotte!
- Hi.

237
00:11:18,483 --> 00:11:21,487
- Charlotte. Here!
- Yeah, good spot.

238
00:11:21,488 --> 00:11:24,553
Yes! No! I mean,
what are you doing here?

239
00:11:24,554 --> 00:11:26,741
Well, I had a reading week,
so I thought I'd come home.

240
00:11:26,742 --> 00:11:29,623
I didn't know this was your
sort of thing. You know, fashion.

241
00:11:29,624 --> 00:11:32,899
Oh, it's not. I think it's shit and everyone
taking part is a vain, talentless twat.

242
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,894
- I'm in it.
- Apart from you. And maybe Si.

243
00:11:36,411 --> 00:11:38,298
Why did no-one tell me
you were in it?

244
00:11:38,299 --> 00:11:42,234
I didn't know if I could make it,
so they put me down as a "special guest",

245
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:44,328
just cos I once did some
catalogue modelling.

246
00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:46,202
- Underwear?
- No.

247
00:11:46,203 --> 00:11:49,966
You are going to come and watch me though,
aren't you? Even though I'm a "talentless twat"?

248
00:11:49,967 --> 00:11:53,501
Yeah! No, I was only joking. Oh, yeah,
I'm really behind this whole thing,

249
00:11:53,502 --> 00:11:56,269
- taking the money, helping set it up...
- Why are you trying to ruin this event, McKenzie?

250
00:11:56,270 --> 00:11:58,368
- Good timing.
- Do you think kidney patients like me

251
00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:01,985
- should die? Is that it?
- Come on, mate. That's a bit extreme.

252
00:12:01,986 --> 00:12:05,621
- Is he trying to stop you coming in too?
- No, I'm one of the models.

253
00:12:05,622 --> 00:12:07,744
Oh, you must be Charlotte.

254
00:12:08,153 --> 00:12:10,595
Wowzeroony!

255
00:12:10,961 --> 00:12:14,017
Are you aware this weasel's trying to
stop people giving money to charity?

256
00:12:14,018 --> 00:12:16,779
- Will?
- No, that's not...entirely correct.

257
00:12:16,780 --> 00:12:19,094
Alistair, why don't we go chat
about this somewhere different, eh?

258
00:12:19,095 --> 00:12:22,655
- No, let's talk about it here.
- Wasn't a request. See you later, Charlotte!

259
00:12:22,656 --> 00:12:25,443
What are you doing?
Are you trying to wheel me away?

260
00:12:25,444 --> 00:12:28,003
This thing's got brakes, you know.
You can't just roll me off!

261
00:12:28,004 --> 00:12:29,999
You're trying to sabotage this event.

262
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,656
I won't stand for it.

263
00:12:31,657 --> 00:12:35,527
You know what, I...
I won't stand for it. I won't have it.

264
00:12:36,030 --> 00:12:39,071
This is my special day
and you're trying to ruin it!

265
00:12:39,072 --> 00:12:41,363
I'm going to go and get ready.

266
00:12:42,392 --> 00:12:45,693
Well, I think I got away with that.
Brilliant.

267
00:12:51,306 --> 00:12:54,526
At the school fashion show,
Simon's big moment had almost arrived.

268
00:12:54,527 --> 00:12:57,317
- And Neil didn't give a shit.
- Neil, give me a hand.

269
00:12:57,318 --> 00:13:00,444
This is torture. I've spent a week thinking
about the snatches back there.

270
00:13:00,445 --> 00:13:03,300
- I'm in a rush, Neil.
- I reckon Sarah Bell's got lovely nipples,

271
00:13:03,301 --> 00:13:06,338
- and I bet Jo Larken shaves her pubes.
- We can hear you, you pervert.

272
00:13:06,339 --> 00:13:08,111
- Who said that?
- It's only a curtain,

273
00:13:08,112 --> 00:13:10,900
- we can hear everything you're saying.
- Shit. He's really sorry.

274
00:13:10,901 --> 00:13:13,301
I recognise one of the
voices, it's Simon Cooper.

275
00:13:13,302 --> 00:13:15,740
- Do something, Neil.
- How big are Sarah Bell's nipples?

276
00:13:15,741 --> 00:13:19,213
- Right. That's it I'm getting a teacher.
- Shit. Thanks, Neil, good job.

277
00:13:19,214 --> 00:13:22,328
- All right, Yves Saint le Ponce, what's going on?
- Neil's getting me in shit.

278
00:13:22,329 --> 00:13:25,591
They've put a curtain up so we can't
see the clunge. It's totally sexist.

279
00:13:25,592 --> 00:13:28,624
The crafty fuckers. They tried
this when we did the school play.

280
00:13:28,625 --> 00:13:32,023
We cut a hole in the curtain and stuck
our knobs through. It was well horny.

281
00:13:32,024 --> 00:13:34,864
- We were getting noshed-off between scenes.
- We can still hear you.

282
00:13:34,865 --> 00:13:37,851
- And that never happened.
- Simon, you're on, hon.

283
00:13:37,852 --> 00:13:41,726
- It's models only back here.
- Yeah, but look. Two.

284
00:13:41,727 --> 00:13:44,360
The left one looks infected.
Please hurry up, Simon, you're on next.

285
00:13:44,361 --> 00:13:46,560
Can someone just help me with
my fucking cufflinks, please?

286
00:13:46,561 --> 00:13:50,316
All right, precious. I'll help you.
But if you haven't got them on in 30 seconds

287
00:13:50,317 --> 00:13:51,980
- I'm going out there in your place.
- No, you aren't.

288
00:13:51,981 --> 00:13:55,181
The girls said there was
some sort of problem back...

289
00:13:57,103 --> 00:14:00,142
Come on, we'd better get
you out of these clothes.

290
00:14:00,143 --> 00:14:02,330
But, Sir, I'm not modelling.

291
00:14:04,375 --> 00:14:05,597
You should be.

292
00:14:05,598 --> 00:14:10,028
As Neil swerved the advances of a man
who it seemed incredible the school employed,

293
00:14:10,029 --> 00:14:12,306
the world's least stylish
fashion show got underway.

294
00:14:12,307 --> 00:14:15,107
Our first collection's
theme is glamorous nights,

295
00:14:15,108 --> 00:14:18,714
and is put together,
incorrect tense, by Carli D'Amato.

296
00:14:18,715 --> 00:14:22,415
Modelling, that should be two Ls,
these gorgeous outfits

297
00:14:22,416 --> 00:14:25,798
are the equally gorgeous...
Christ who wrote this...

298
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:29,770
Stephen DeBell,
Richard Murray and Simon Cooper.

299
00:14:34,154 --> 00:14:36,756
I'm not sure what the word
for the opposite of cool is,

300
00:14:36,757 --> 00:14:39,207
but I think I know
what it looks like.

301
00:14:44,788 --> 00:14:47,877
Sadly, I couldn't enjoy Simon's
dreadful modelling for long.

302
00:14:47,878 --> 00:14:51,406
I had a two-wheeled
nightmare on my case.

303
00:14:52,130 --> 00:14:53,836
McKenzie!

304
00:14:54,503 --> 00:14:57,873
- You try anything like that again...
- I think we got off on the wrong foot...

305
00:14:57,874 --> 00:15:01,303
Is that meant to be a joke about the chair?
I can walk, you know, I just get tired easy.

306
00:15:01,304 --> 00:15:03,937
No, it's not that. I think
we just differ on ways to raise money.

307
00:15:03,938 --> 00:15:06,526
I happen to think that this
is exclusive and about vanity.

308
00:15:06,527 --> 00:15:09,063
And I happen to
think you're a wanker!

309
00:15:09,064 --> 00:15:12,619
- That's not very mature, is it?
- Even in this chair, I could kick your arse.

310
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,367
I could kick your arse right in.

311
00:15:15,736 --> 00:15:18,322
- Let's not make a scene.
- Come on!

312
00:15:18,323 --> 00:15:20,963
You're mental. He's mental!

313
00:15:21,135 --> 00:15:22,533
Fuck you!

314
00:15:22,534 --> 00:15:25,571
Will, you've got to help me. I was supposed
to be modelling with Paul Keenan,

315
00:15:25,572 --> 00:15:30,387
but he got so nervous, he drank a bottle of vodka
and passed out. Please, will you take his place?

316
00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:31,657
Me?

317
00:15:33,935 --> 00:15:36,790
He won't do it, he thinks
it's exclusive vanity.

318
00:15:36,791 --> 00:15:38,616
- Right.
- No, he's talking shit, it's the painkillers.

319
00:15:38,617 --> 00:15:40,894
- Of course I'll do it.
- Great.

320
00:15:40,895 --> 00:15:44,729
- What?! You hypocrite!
- OK. Right, you, time for a sleep.

321
00:15:44,730 --> 00:15:47,229
- Don't touch me!
- Come on!

322
00:15:47,230 --> 00:15:48,708
- Is he OK?
- Yeah. He's fine.

323
00:15:48,709 --> 00:15:51,128
He gets very grumpy when he's tired.

324
00:15:51,129 --> 00:15:54,727
Yes, this is going really well.
Amazingly, no cock-ups so far.

325
00:15:54,728 --> 00:15:58,507
Well done, you've mastered walking like a knob
and looking like a dick at the same time.

326
00:15:58,508 --> 00:16:02,046
This is actually enjoyable in an
"I'm shitting myself" kind of way.

327
00:16:02,047 --> 00:16:04,063
If you've shit in them trousers,
I'm ain't touching them.

328
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:05,795
- Of course I haven't.
- You walk like you have.

329
00:16:05,796 --> 00:16:08,575
- Neil, quick, I need help getting dressed.
- You are dressed.

330
00:16:08,576 --> 00:16:11,343
Dressed into something else.
This. For the fashion show,

331
00:16:11,344 --> 00:16:14,477
- I'm modelling in the fashion show.
- That's not happening, I'm first reserve.

332
00:16:14,478 --> 00:16:16,324
- No, no way!
- What's up with you?

333
00:16:16,325 --> 00:16:19,373
- I thought this was the worst sort of vanity?
- Yeah, well, I've changed my mind.

334
00:16:19,374 --> 00:16:23,243
Somebody pulled out and Charlotte
asked me to fill in. So give me the clothes.

335
00:16:23,244 --> 00:16:27,176
Now it makes sense. One flash of Charlotte's
tits and your morals go out the window.

336
00:16:27,177 --> 00:16:31,227
We can discuss my morals later, after I get
these fucking jeans on! God, they're tight.

337
00:16:31,228 --> 00:16:34,372
It can't be comfortable
to wear jeans this tight every day.

338
00:16:34,373 --> 00:16:35,905
Here. Let me help.

339
00:16:35,906 --> 00:16:39,033
Well, this is fucking bang
out of order! I'm first reserve!

340
00:16:39,034 --> 00:16:42,973
It was me Charlotte wanted, she chose me,
that's the only reason I'm doing it.

341
00:16:42,974 --> 00:16:45,901
- They'll be sorry. I'll show them.
- Columbine massacre show them,

342
00:16:45,902 --> 00:16:49,297
- or futile gesture show them?
- Whatever's worse.

343
00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:52,210
Neil, you just brushed my penis there.

344
00:16:52,211 --> 00:16:53,438
Yeah.

345
00:16:54,687 --> 00:16:57,363
- That's the second time.
- Yeah, I know.

346
00:16:57,364 --> 00:17:00,773
Of course, the only reason I was taking part in
the fashion show was to get my penis brushed.

347
00:17:00,774 --> 00:17:03,612
But by Charlotte. Not Neil.

348
00:17:04,472 --> 00:17:06,879
Well done for getting ready
so quickly. Exciting, isn't it?

349
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,835
Yeah. Look, I just wanted to say, I'm really
pleased you picked me. It means a lot.

350
00:17:10,836 --> 00:17:13,231
- I didn't have a choice, really, did I?
- Didn't you?

351
00:17:13,232 --> 00:17:15,735
No, we had to find someone
to fit the clothes and I was like,

352
00:17:15,736 --> 00:17:19,261
"Who do I know that's really short?"
And then obviously I thought of you.

353
00:17:19,262 --> 00:17:21,931
- Is that really the reason?
- No, not really.

354
00:17:21,932 --> 00:17:24,593
They let me choose
who I wanted, and I chose you.

355
00:17:24,594 --> 00:17:27,324
- Thanks, Charlotte.
- Although it did have to be someone short.

356
00:17:27,325 --> 00:17:29,950
- Right.
- And the next theme is...

357
00:17:30,058 --> 00:17:31,645
'70s Disco.

358
00:17:31,785 --> 00:17:32,926
Oh, brilliant.

359
00:17:37,609 --> 00:17:40,380
I'm a principled man.
And one of those principles turns out

360
00:17:40,381 --> 00:17:44,086
to be I'll do literally
anything a girl I fancy asks me to.

361
00:17:53,253 --> 00:17:57,486
All right. I'm willing to admit
I also got a bit carried away.

362
00:18:02,044 --> 00:18:04,850
But they do say a woman can tell a
lot about what a man's like in bed

363
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:07,659
from the way he dances. Which
meant that if I did pull Charlotte,

364
00:18:07,660 --> 00:18:10,884
she'd be expecting surprising
enthusiasm, a lot of finger-work,

365
00:18:10,885 --> 00:18:14,526
and an abrupt stop
when I remembered where I was.

366
00:18:16,788 --> 00:18:20,986
Meanwhile, backstage, Neil was finally
experiencing some job satisfaction.

367
00:18:20,987 --> 00:18:23,842
- Fucking hell. At last.
- Simon, there's been a slight change of plan.

368
00:18:23,843 --> 00:18:26,483
Chris Yates was meant to be
wearing this for my sexy finale.

369
00:18:26,484 --> 00:18:30,258
But he's just taken off his shirt and his
back is disgustinglyhairy so I sacked him.

370
00:18:30,259 --> 00:18:32,507
- I thought this was for charity?
- You know when you get hair

371
00:18:32,508 --> 00:18:35,638
caught in the plughole,
and it gets matted and wet?

372
00:18:35,639 --> 00:18:39,027
His back looked like that, it nearly
made me vomit, so he's sacked. Anyway,

373
00:18:39,028 --> 00:18:42,493
it means that I need you to wear
this instead for the sexy finale.

374
00:18:42,494 --> 00:18:45,279
- Are they Speedos?
- You've been brilliant all night.

375
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:48,598
Plus you've got a great body.
Please, for me?

376
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:51,001
- Of course.
- Thanks.

377
00:18:51,002 --> 00:18:53,857
See you out there.
You've got one minute.

378
00:18:53,858 --> 00:18:56,966
This is so fucking unfair!
So I'm not even second reserve now.

379
00:18:56,967 --> 00:19:01,245
- Who's she going to ask next, Big John?
- Do you want to wear the Speedos?

380
00:19:01,246 --> 00:19:03,588
What's the point?

381
00:19:03,589 --> 00:19:06,765
Mate, your ear don't look
great, it's covered in puss.

382
00:19:06,766 --> 00:19:09,887
Fucking hell. I'd better get
this looked at. Good luck, boner.

383
00:19:09,888 --> 00:19:12,711
Try not to get a stiffy in them Speedos.

384
00:19:12,712 --> 00:19:15,687
He's right, you're in trouble. I nearly
shot my bolt just looking at her,

385
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,606
and all she was doing
was standing here.

386
00:19:17,607 --> 00:19:20,181
Did you hear what she said?
She thinks I've got a great body.

387
00:19:20,182 --> 00:19:22,406
If I could just do this one thing for her,
who knows what could happen?

388
00:19:22,407 --> 00:19:24,422
I know. You'll get a boner
in front of the whole school.

389
00:19:24,423 --> 00:19:26,841
And in Speedos,
there is no hiding it, trust me.

390
00:19:26,842 --> 00:19:30,214
It's only a couple of minutes,
I can do it.

391
00:19:30,215 --> 00:19:33,045
- I can do this.
- Simon, are you ready yet?

392
00:19:33,142 --> 00:19:35,331
Can you give me a hand, Neil?

393
00:19:35,751 --> 00:19:37,591
Nah, you're all right.

394
00:19:37,847 --> 00:19:39,278
Simon!

395
00:19:41,366 --> 00:19:45,086
That was so amazing, so brilliant.
I could not have done it without you.

396
00:19:45,087 --> 00:19:47,375
- How was it?
- He was brilliant!

397
00:19:47,376 --> 00:19:50,471
- Was he?
- Yeah, he was all, like, "Yay!"

398
00:19:50,758 --> 00:19:53,053
- I wasn't entirely "yay".
- And now, ladies and gentlemen,

399
00:19:53,054 --> 00:19:55,326
- it's time for the grand finale.
- Come on, Simon, we're on.

400
00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:58,475
- Are you all right?
- Please don't distract me.

401
00:19:58,809 --> 00:20:01,504
Simon was concentrating
so hard on not getting a boner,

402
00:20:01,505 --> 00:20:03,424
that he was oblivious to
what can only be described

403
00:20:03,425 --> 00:20:06,225
as quite a serious
wardrobe malfunction.

404
00:20:44,167 --> 00:20:47,355
I loved that. Seriously,
thank you, Will. I'm so grateful.

405
00:20:47,356 --> 00:20:49,751
It was nothing,
just what was left of my dignity.

406
00:20:49,752 --> 00:20:53,031
Come on. It wasn't that bad. And what
other guy would have done that for me?

407
00:20:53,032 --> 00:20:55,087
I mean, Uni's great,
but there's no-one there like you.

408
00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:57,184
- Shut up.
- Seriously,

409
00:20:57,185 --> 00:21:00,730
all I want is a boyfriend like you.
You're funny, and you're sweet,

410
00:21:00,731 --> 00:21:02,487
and you're kind to me.

411
00:21:02,488 --> 00:21:06,091
I think I'd be happy if I had
someone in my life just like you.

412
00:21:06,092 --> 00:21:08,757
Well, what about me?

413
00:21:10,371 --> 00:21:14,353
No, no, not you.
No, no, someone like you.

414
00:21:14,870 --> 00:21:17,436
You're so funny.
Not you, obviously.

415
00:21:17,881 --> 00:21:19,903
Come on, lovely,
let's go for a drink.

416
00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:23,556
No, I'm OK, thanks.
I'll just wait here, I think.

417
00:21:23,557 --> 00:21:24,803
OK.

418
00:21:28,415 --> 00:21:32,960
Nice one, twat-face, good dancing.
All that whining and complaining, for what?

419
00:21:32,961 --> 00:21:36,299
Nothing. You're what they call
a sanctimonious prick.

420
00:21:36,698 --> 00:21:39,267
Yes, well, good to talk
to you again, Al. Is that all?

421
00:21:39,268 --> 00:21:40,351
No.

422
00:21:40,674 --> 00:21:43,982
I hope one day
you get a serious illness, too.

423
00:21:46,208 --> 00:21:48,817
Oh, fuck off, Alistair, you dick!

424
00:21:48,818 --> 00:21:50,726
- You're a dick.
- You're a dick!

425
00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:52,608
- You were great!
- Bit of a weird reaction.

426
00:21:52,609 --> 00:21:54,286
It wasn't meant to be funny.
It was meant to be glamorous.

427
00:21:54,287 --> 00:21:56,196
- You're a dick!
- No, you're a dick!

428
00:21:56,197 --> 00:21:59,507
Guys, come on, calm down,
don't spoil a good evening.

429
00:21:59,508 --> 00:22:02,377
We've put on a great show and raised
a hell of a lot of money.

430
00:22:02,378 --> 00:22:05,450
- You know your testicle's sticking out?
- What?

431
00:22:05,451 --> 00:22:08,431
Is that why everyone was laughing?
Has it been out the whole time?

432
00:22:08,432 --> 00:22:11,241
Oh, my God, you've been
walking behind me, mocking me.

433
00:22:11,242 --> 00:22:15,022
You've ruined my big night.
I thought you liked me, you arsehole!

434
00:22:15,023 --> 00:22:19,067
- Carls, it's all right. It's cool. Come on.
- Carli, listen, please.

435
00:22:19,068 --> 00:22:22,326
- Bit overdramatic, it's only a bollock.
- Fucking hell, I'm going to kill Neil!

436
00:22:22,327 --> 00:22:24,201
- Didn't you feel a draft?
- It was tingling,

437
00:22:24,202 --> 00:22:26,962
but I thought it was nerves.
Oh, god. Do you think people saw?

438
00:22:26,963 --> 00:22:30,261
Yes. It was eye level
for most of the audience.

439
00:22:30,262 --> 00:22:32,607
God, no! No!

440
00:22:32,608 --> 00:22:36,288
Suppose you thought that was funny, did you?
Your little joke's got you in a lot of trouble.

441
00:22:36,289 --> 00:22:38,614
- Honestly, it wasn't a joke.
- No,

442
00:22:38,615 --> 00:22:41,093
there is nothing funny
about testicles, Cooper,

443
00:22:41,094 --> 00:22:43,807
as you'll discover tomorrow
in my office.

444
00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:46,133
- What?
- Sorry, sir.

445
00:22:46,134 --> 00:22:48,884
- That sounded a bit weird.
- No, it didn't.

446
00:22:49,265 --> 00:22:50,948
See me tomorrow.

447
00:22:51,238 --> 00:22:54,676
It did sound weird.
And talking of weird...

448
00:22:55,171 --> 00:22:58,388
Right, then,
let's get you out these clothes.

449
00:22:58,581 --> 00:23:02,202
- Sir, I told you I'm not modelling.
- No, you are, you are.

450
00:23:02,203 --> 00:23:04,730
I had a word with the man.
The man said.

451
00:23:04,731 --> 00:23:06,931
The show finished ten minutes ago.

452
00:23:07,503 --> 00:23:09,136
You been drinking, sir?

453
00:23:09,137 --> 00:23:12,037
Come on, John.
Let's go and get some fresh air.

454
00:23:12,433 --> 00:23:14,939
I'm putting my fucking neck
on the line for you, John!

455
00:23:14,940 --> 00:23:17,985
So we headed home, Simon
having learnt at least one thing.

456
00:23:17,986 --> 00:23:19,781
Never put on Speedos in a rush.

457
00:23:19,782 --> 00:23:21,892
Why did you agree
to wear it in the first place?

458
00:23:21,893 --> 00:23:22,982
Carli told me to.

459
00:23:22,983 --> 00:23:25,446
Even with your whole sack
covered, you'd look ridiculous.

460
00:23:25,447 --> 00:23:29,438
Speedos, DMs, top hat and a leash.
What maniac designed that?

461
00:23:29,439 --> 00:23:33,596
Who thought, "What's fashionable?
Dressing like an upper-class mental patient."

462
00:23:33,597 --> 00:23:35,589
- Did you get that boner, Si?
- No.

463
00:23:35,590 --> 00:23:36,546
Well done.

464
00:23:36,547 --> 00:23:38,741
But my left bollock was
sticking out the entire time.

465
00:23:38,742 --> 00:23:41,326
- Fucking hell! Unlucky.
- I blame you.

466
00:23:41,327 --> 00:23:43,763
- All right, gays?
- How's your ear, Jay?

467
00:23:43,764 --> 00:23:46,337
Perfect. That's why I've got
to wear this massive bandage.

468
00:23:46,338 --> 00:23:49,862
- That's your modelling career fucked.
- He never had a modelling career.

469
00:23:49,863 --> 00:23:52,474
I'm not bothered cos I fucked
the nurse that looked after me.

470
00:23:52,475 --> 00:23:54,286
The St John's Ambulance lady?

471
00:23:54,287 --> 00:23:56,566
- Yes.
- Isn't she Warren Duncan's nan?

472
00:23:56,567 --> 00:23:58,646
Nah, there was another one
that looked like Lucy Pinder.

473
00:23:58,647 --> 00:24:00,566
- Course there was.
- We going to this party, then?

474
00:24:00,567 --> 00:24:03,366
- I'm definitely not going.
- Nor me, I think I'd burst into tears.

475
00:24:03,367 --> 00:24:07,074
- Oh, what, cos you're so unpopular?
- No, Neil, because of Charlotte.

476
00:24:07,075 --> 00:24:08,711
- What happened with her, then?
- She basically told me

477
00:24:08,712 --> 00:24:11,486
- I had no chance, at all, ever.
- I told you that!

478
00:24:11,487 --> 00:24:13,738
Yeah, but funnily enough,
it hurt more coming from her.

479
00:24:13,739 --> 00:24:17,072
- You know I snogged her once.
- No, I did not know that!

480
00:24:17,073 --> 00:24:18,246
I could have sworn I told you.

481
00:24:18,247 --> 00:24:20,581
I think I would have remembered
such crushing news.

482
00:24:20,582 --> 00:24:22,945
- Don't worry, it was after you.
- That makes it worse.

483
00:24:22,946 --> 00:24:26,636
- Now it's like a betrayal, too.
- Was it just a snog?

484
00:24:26,637 --> 00:24:28,166
Neil, please.

485
00:24:28,167 --> 00:24:30,193
Yeah, course, mate.
Course. Just a snog.

486
00:24:30,194 --> 00:24:32,256
Well, that's something.

487
00:24:34,538 --> 00:24:38,206
I'd learnt a few things that week
myself. None good, all bad.

488
00:24:38,207 --> 00:24:40,832
Jay's driving is worse
than his fashion sense.

489
00:24:40,833 --> 00:24:42,686
Neil is catnip for paedos.

490
00:24:42,687 --> 00:24:45,804
Just because you've only got one kidney
doesn't mean you're not a total dick.

491
00:24:45,805 --> 00:24:48,846
And Simon has extremely hairy balls.

492
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:57,000
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