WEBVTT 00:00:01.527 --> 00:00:03.597 My name is Carl Palmer. 00:00:03.767 --> 00:00:08.363 I've returned home to find the son I abandoned in Catterick when he was just four years old. 00:00:08.527 --> 00:00:10.199 This is the story of that search. 00:00:10.367 --> 00:00:13.723 - Our Carl, I'm over 'ere! - It's nice to see you, man. 00:00:13.887 --> 00:00:17.277 - Let's get the pints in, eh? - Good to see you! 00:00:19.127 --> 00:00:22.483 - How are we gonna get to Catterick? - By car. 00:00:22.647 --> 00:00:25.605 - We haven't got a car. - Let's go get one, then. 00:00:25.767 --> 00:00:29.077 - I was interested in one of your cars. - Let's go for a test drive. 00:00:30.127 --> 00:00:32.402 - All right? - Jesus, who's the monkey? 00:00:32.567 --> 00:00:34.637 Watch your mouth, mate, that's me brother. 00:00:35.647 --> 00:00:38.207 - Oi! Fuckers. - Whoo-hoo! 00:00:38.367 --> 00:00:40.835 You two are dead. 00:00:42.527 --> 00:00:43.926 (CHRIS) So where to now? 00:00:44.087 --> 00:00:48.558 Where else but a four-crown-rated English Tourist Board hotel? 00:00:48.727 --> 00:00:51.321 What level of luxury is four crowns? 00:00:51.487 --> 00:00:53.478 Oh, it's the best, man, you know. 00:00:53.647 --> 00:00:55.842 You've got en suite TV and bath, 00:00:56.007 --> 00:00:58.567 minibar, 24-hour room service, 00:00:58.727 --> 00:01:01.764 tea and coffee-making facilities, in the room, mind. 00:01:01.927 --> 00:01:04.236 So basically it's the ultimate in luxury. 00:01:04.407 --> 00:01:07.160 Nah, Chris, that would be five crowns. 00:01:08.407 --> 00:01:13.322 - So what do you get for the extra crown? - A nightly pillow chocolate and slippers. 00:01:13.487 --> 00:01:17.605 Oh, man, that's too much luxury. A man could suffocate in such luxury. 00:01:17.767 --> 00:01:19.678 (SIREN) 00:01:25.687 --> 00:01:28.997 (AMERICAN ACCENT) OK, listen up. I am Detective Fowler, 00:01:29.167 --> 00:01:34.036 and I will be leading this investigation to its dreadful conclusion. 00:01:34.207 --> 00:01:37.677 Cordon off this entire area with the finest silken thread. 00:01:37.847 --> 00:01:42.398 Erect roadblocks on every adjacent highway and seal off every potential escape route. 00:01:42.567 --> 00:01:44.876 To work! 00:01:54.727 --> 00:01:56.445 Double vodka, please. 00:01:58.767 --> 00:02:00.439 - What? - Double vodka. 00:02:00.607 --> 00:02:02.325 Oh. 00:02:02.487 --> 00:02:06.480 You know, a couple of rooms at the Mermade have got four-posters. 00:02:06.647 --> 00:02:08.797 So? I've got five posters on my wall. 00:02:08.967 --> 00:02:12.437 Well, four and a 'alf. I ripped George Clooney when he left ''ER''. 00:02:12.607 --> 00:02:14.643 Oh, that's a shame, that is. 00:02:14.807 --> 00:02:19.722 You got a lot of pleasure out of that poster. Have you found a replacement yet? 00:02:19.887 --> 00:02:23.277 Yes, I've looked round and I've found a replacement poster. 00:02:23.447 --> 00:02:25.438 - Oh, yeah, what is it? - Kevin Bacon. 00:02:25.607 --> 00:02:27.404 I'm sorry, I don't know him. 00:02:30.207 --> 00:02:32.482 Oh, right, him out of ''Footloose'', yeah. 00:02:35.887 --> 00:02:37.764 Hold on a minute, Chris. 00:02:43.607 --> 00:02:46.804 I'm not 'appy with this, Chris. I'm not 'appy at all. 00:02:48.327 --> 00:02:52.479 - I've been stupid, haven't I, Carl? - Yeah, you have a bit, to be honest. 00:02:54.127 --> 00:02:55.765 What's happening over the road? 00:02:55.927 --> 00:02:58.600 I don't know. There was a robbery or something. 00:02:58.767 --> 00:03:01.918 Quite dramatic. Took the owner away in an ambulance. 00:03:02.087 --> 00:03:04.043 Was he dead? 00:03:04.207 --> 00:03:06.437 I don't know. I don't think so. 00:03:06.607 --> 00:03:11.397 They took him out on a stretcher. He had tubes attached and all that shit. 00:03:11.567 --> 00:03:13.922 He were flattened like a spatchcock. 00:03:14.087 --> 00:03:16.840 - What? - It's a type of flattened chicken. 00:03:17.007 --> 00:03:21.080 - D'you want one? We're doing a special... - No! Did anyone see owt? 00:03:21.247 --> 00:03:22.646 Don't know. 00:03:22.807 --> 00:03:25.799 The police talked to Ian and Glen for ages. Five pound. 00:03:25.967 --> 00:03:28.401 Oh, right. Thanks very much. 00:03:37.047 --> 00:03:39.515 D'you know, Chris, you're just being stupid. 00:03:39.687 --> 00:03:42.485 It was a perfectly good George Clooney poster. 00:03:42.647 --> 00:03:46.162 Someone else could have got a lot of pleasure out of it too, 00:03:46.327 --> 00:03:51.765 and you've just ripped it in 'alf. It's ridiculous. I'm going to get some air. 00:04:16.527 --> 00:04:18.836 (Sorry.) 00:04:20.166 --> 00:04:22.556 Terrible business over the road. Did you see? 00:04:22.727 --> 00:04:27.084 No, no. To be honest, we were busy drinking with a mate and his brother. 00:04:27.247 --> 00:04:31.035 - He's just out of the army. - You don't mean Carl, do you? 00:04:32.207 --> 00:04:33.526 Blond hair? Short-arse? 00:04:33.687 --> 00:04:37.566 - Yeah. D'you know him? - Know him? I served with him in the... 00:04:37.727 --> 00:04:40.002 Battle of Britain. 00:04:40.167 --> 00:04:41.486 (Shit.) 00:04:41.647 --> 00:04:45.356 Oh, I've missed him, 'ave I? It's just I owe him some money. 00:04:45.527 --> 00:04:49.156 I wish I'd caught him. How unfortunate. Do you have an address? 00:04:50.727 --> 00:04:55.562 I imagine he's staying with his brother Chris. I'll write it down for you if you like. 00:05:00.487 --> 00:05:04.162 Hey, baby man, I need to see your mate and his monkey. 00:05:04.327 --> 00:05:06.477 Now give me the address. 00:05:08.247 --> 00:05:11.080 It's all right, man, Glen, it's his friend. 00:05:12.447 --> 00:05:15.723 Last chance, baby man! Now give me the address! 00:05:25.927 --> 00:05:27.918 Hey, thanks. Really. It's a great help. 00:05:28.087 --> 00:05:30.999 I'll go and catch up with him now. See you around. 00:05:32.967 --> 00:05:37.279 'Ere, d'you reckon a crabstick dispenser would go down well in the toilet, 00:05:37.447 --> 00:05:40.041 next to a blob machine? 00:05:41.927 --> 00:05:43.804 Lads? Lads? 00:05:43.967 --> 00:05:48.324 So there I was, surrounded by dirty bum-lickin' scumbags 00:05:48.487 --> 00:05:51.524 in one of the most notorious brothels on the Eastern Seaboard. 00:05:51.687 --> 00:05:54.485 A cop alone and in serious trouble. 00:05:54.647 --> 00:06:00.517 What they didn't know was that I had concealed my pistol in my Tooperware box. 00:06:01.127 --> 00:06:04.244 Yes, I owe my life to Tooperware. 00:06:05.247 --> 00:06:08.239 Yes, what is it, Sergeant Mingemungeington? 00:06:08.407 --> 00:06:11.126 Sir, er...what's Tooperware? 00:06:11.287 --> 00:06:15.599 You know, it's an airtight, see-through range of plastic convenience boxes. 00:06:17.767 --> 00:06:21.680 For transporting cookies, pretzels, turkey jerky, corn muffins... 00:06:21.847 --> 00:06:24.156 Er...it's pronounced ''Tupperware'', sir. 00:06:24.327 --> 00:06:27.717 OK, I concealed my pistol in my Tooperware box. 00:06:30.647 --> 00:06:33.798 OK, enough already. We've got work to do. 00:06:33.967 --> 00:06:38.722 I want that Range Rover. I want it yesterday. It is my destiny to confront this beast. 00:06:38.887 --> 00:06:42.402 May the police force be with you. My God! 00:06:46.807 --> 00:06:48.798 The Mermade. 00:06:53.927 --> 00:06:56.680 Has Mr Clooney heard about what you've done? 00:06:56.847 --> 00:07:00.157 - How d'you think that would make him feel? - Look, I'm sorry! 00:07:00.327 --> 00:07:05.196 You're gonna write a letter of apology, Chris, that's what you're gonna do. 00:07:18.727 --> 00:07:20.399 Help you? 00:07:20.567 --> 00:07:24.526 Could I check in? I'm Palmer. I've got a double room for two nights. 00:07:24.687 --> 00:07:26.757 Oh, yeah. Mr Palmer. 00:07:28.927 --> 00:07:31.725 Are you here for fun or specially for the flotilla? 00:07:31.887 --> 00:07:35.038 They say it's gonna be the best ever this year. 00:07:35.207 --> 00:07:40.361 Erm...no, not for the flotilla. We're just 'ere for fun, I suppose. And a rest. 00:07:40.527 --> 00:07:45.521 - I've just had a long flight from Cyprus. - Mm, Cyprus, eh? How exotic. 00:07:45.687 --> 00:07:48.679 - I expect you've still got the shits, have yer? - Sorry? 00:07:50.167 --> 00:07:54.240 No, no, no, I'm nice and, er... nice and stiff, thanks. 00:07:54.407 --> 00:07:57.126 I had six hard-boiled eggs on the flight. 00:07:57.287 --> 00:08:01.326 Six? No way. You're tickling my turnips, in't yer? 00:08:02.327 --> 00:08:05.478 No, I wouldn't do that. It's an old army trick. Honest. 00:08:05.647 --> 00:08:08.036 Oh. Is it? 00:08:08.207 --> 00:08:12.962 - So, this flotilla's popular, is it? - Very. Did you not 'ear about last year's? 00:08:13.127 --> 00:08:18.406 It was terrible. Three ships lost, 27 sailors injured, 00:08:18.567 --> 00:08:21.798 hundreds of spectators inconvenienced for months, 00:08:21.967 --> 00:08:27.360 all because one woman took it upon herself to bare her breasts in a gale force seven. 00:08:27.527 --> 00:08:30.200 Still, seems to be better organised this year. 00:08:31.887 --> 00:08:35.243 - (WHEEzES) - Ooh, whoops-a-daisy. 00:08:35.407 --> 00:08:37.477 Is that for your asthma, is it? 00:08:37.647 --> 00:08:41.275 - No, just makes me feel better. - Yeah, it does, doesn't it? 00:08:41.447 --> 00:08:44.006 - Doesn't last long. - Oh, that's a shame. 00:08:44.167 --> 00:08:48.445 So, er...Mr Palmer, that's room seven on the second floor. 00:08:48.607 --> 00:08:52.361 - Someone will take you up. - I like this, but the 'ead's too big. 00:08:52.527 --> 00:08:55.519 (MUSIC: ''KINKY BOOTS'') 00:08:55.687 --> 00:08:58.918 # Everybody's going for those kinky boots, kinky boots 00:09:00.087 --> 00:09:03.124 - # kinky boots # - I'll give you head in a minute. 00:09:03.287 --> 00:09:06.996 Leave my fountain alone! How would you like it if I fingered YOUR rim? 00:09:07.167 --> 00:09:09.203 I'm not bothered. 00:09:13.447 --> 00:09:15.563 Here we are, gentlemen. 00:09:16.247 --> 00:09:20.081 Oh! Can we go anywhere in the room we want? 00:09:20.247 --> 00:09:24.240 Of course, sir, we allow, er... complete freedom of movement. 00:09:24.407 --> 00:09:27.524 Who made the bed? Your mam? 00:09:27.687 --> 00:09:30.918 - Er...no, a chambermaid does it every day. - I know. 00:09:34.407 --> 00:09:36.398 (HINGES CREAK) 00:09:41.287 --> 00:09:44.199 (TV NEWS BROADCAST) 00:09:47.047 --> 00:09:51.643 Now we return to today's main i' em, the daylight robbery of Neil 's Wheels. 00:09:51.807 --> 00:09:56.881 (FOWLER) Yes, I can confirm that we are linking today's attacks at Neil 's Wheels 00:09:57.047 --> 00:10:00.244 with a similar occurrence last week at Car Pavilion. 00:10:00.407 --> 00:10:03.365 And can I assure you that I, DI Fowler, 00:10:03.527 --> 00:10:08.203 will catch this dickhead, using the most advanced DNA techniques. 00:10:08.367 --> 00:10:10.164 I can smell his scent, 00:10:10.327 --> 00:10:14.843 and I will pursue him over swamp, over dale. My God! 00:10:15.727 --> 00:10:18.639 A...are you 'ere for the flotilla, Mr Palmer? 00:10:18.807 --> 00:10:23.005 Ah, no, not really. Although we've heard it's gonna be good this year, yeah? 00:10:23.167 --> 00:10:25.727 Bound to be better than last year's. 00:10:26.967 --> 00:10:31.563 It was a bloodbath. Don't know how many died. It was too 'orrible to count. 00:10:31.727 --> 00:10:35.606 It was summat to do with a woman getting her cowies out, wasn't it? 00:10:35.767 --> 00:10:38.486 You know, getting her, erm... her bosoms out, yeah? 00:10:38.647 --> 00:10:40.877 Oh, yeah. The bitch. 00:10:41.047 --> 00:10:46.326 Look, Carl! Slippers! They're not meant to be 'ere. It's only four-crown. 00:10:46.487 --> 00:10:50.036 Oh, that's a new thing. We're trying to obtain a fifth one. 00:10:51.047 --> 00:10:53.083 Well, we don't want 'em. 00:10:53.247 --> 00:10:56.717 We came 'ere to relax, not to suffocate. 00:10:56.887 --> 00:10:58.957 Er...as you wish. 00:11:03.887 --> 00:11:06.845 (PHONE RINGS) 00:11:07.007 --> 00:11:09.043 (That's sick!) 00:11:09.207 --> 00:11:11.596 How could anyone do that? 00:11:12.887 --> 00:11:15.799 - (ANSWERPHONE BEEPS) - (IAN) Hello, Chris ? Carl? 00:11:15.967 --> 00:11:19.277 I'm just phoning to say that there's some fella after you. 00:11:19.447 --> 00:11:23.360 He's a nasty piece of work. Gave some bullshi' about owing you money. 00:11:23.527 --> 00:11:26.837 We had to give him your address and he got qui' e violent. 00:11:27.007 --> 00:11:30.716 I didn't say you were going to the Mermade, so you'll be Ok there. 00:11:30.887 --> 00:11:36.757 So take care. Oh, hey, he's a short lad, about five foot tall, a bi' piggy-faced... 00:11:40.367 --> 00:11:43.086 I say, mate, what's the name of the receptionist? 00:11:43.247 --> 00:11:45.522 - Tess. - Tess. 00:11:45.687 --> 00:11:48.247 - She's a lovely lass, i'nt she? - Oh, mm. 00:11:48.407 --> 00:11:50.238 Has she got a boyfriend or owt? 00:11:50.407 --> 00:11:55.845 Oh, yeah. She lives 'ere with the hotel manager, Mr Roy Oates. 00:11:56.007 --> 00:11:59.795 - He's a lucky lad, then, i'nt he? - (SIGHS) 00:11:59.967 --> 00:12:04.643 Anyway, er...dinner is served from 6.30. And, erm... 00:12:04.807 --> 00:12:07.480 Well, er...I don't know if you're interested, 00:12:07.647 --> 00:12:12.926 but I am the resident DJ at the jazz fusion disco in the bar. 00:12:13.087 --> 00:12:16.636 Everything from Spyro Gyra to Weather Report, 00:12:16.807 --> 00:12:20.163 with a guest appearance by Average White Band at 2200 hours. 00:12:20.327 --> 00:12:24.525 # A doodle da, diddly da, doodly deh-deh Da-da de-deh, pick up the pieces # 00:12:24.687 --> 00:12:27.520 - I know that one, yeah. - Oh, yeah. 00:12:27.687 --> 00:12:29.757 There should be some women there, 00:12:29.927 --> 00:12:32.236 but there won't be. And, er... 00:12:32.407 --> 00:12:35.444 I'll leave you to freshen up and do your ablutions. 00:12:35.607 --> 00:12:38.201 My name's Mark if you should need anything. 00:12:38.367 --> 00:12:42.565 - OK. Pleased to meet you, Mark. - You too, Mr Palmer. It's a p-pleasure. 00:12:44.767 --> 00:12:47.520 - Yeah, bye. - Yeah. I'll see you, then. 00:12:54.967 --> 00:12:57.037 - Hello, Mummy? - Hello, Tony. 00:12:57.207 --> 00:13:00.279 I'm just phoning to say I'll be late for tea. 00:13:00.447 --> 00:13:04.645 I have to pick up some, er...cutlery from the Mermade Hotel. 00:13:04.807 --> 00:13:08.083 - It's for the pop-in centre. - You're such a good lad. 00:13:08.247 --> 00:13:11.842 - I'll be as quick as I can. - I want you back for teaI 00:13:12.007 --> 00:13:15.238 - Yes, I promise. - OK, love, I'll see you at teatime. 00:13:15.407 --> 00:13:18.558 - Bye. - Bye. 00:13:19.687 --> 00:13:22.724 (GOBBLING) 00:13:32.487 --> 00:13:34.284 (COCKS GUN) 00:13:46.527 --> 00:13:49.325 (HAIRDRYER) 00:13:54.687 --> 00:13:57.406 - Chris, pass me the phone, please. - Why? 00:13:57.567 --> 00:14:00.365 - Because I wanna make a phone call. - Who to? 00:14:00.527 --> 00:14:03.644 It's none of your business, Chris. Just pass me the phone. 00:14:03.807 --> 00:14:06.321 It's George Clooney, innit? 00:14:06.487 --> 00:14:09.206 Yes, actually, Chris. Now, give me the phone. 00:14:11.687 --> 00:14:16.920 No, Carl, don't do it. Not with this phone. Don't tell George Clooney I ripped his poster. 00:14:17.087 --> 00:14:18.679 Too late now, Chris. 00:14:20.807 --> 00:14:24.846 Hello, could I speak to George Cloo... Oh, it is you, George. Hello there. 00:14:25.007 --> 00:14:27.282 Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. 00:14:27.447 --> 00:14:30.325 Yeah, I was phoning about me brother Chris. 00:14:30.487 --> 00:14:32.842 Yeah, yeah, with the woolly hair. 00:14:33.007 --> 00:14:37.603 I'm sorry to tell you this, George, but he's ripped one of your posters in half. 00:14:39.087 --> 00:14:43.763 Oh, try not to be so upset, George, man... Yeah, of course you're devastated. 00:14:43.927 --> 00:14:49.559 Hello there. Yeah, could I have two fried eggs on toast, please? Room seven. 00:14:50.567 --> 00:14:52.683 Was he really angry? 00:14:52.847 --> 00:14:56.726 He was more upset than angry, really, Chris. 00:14:56.887 --> 00:14:59.879 Why's he sending us eggs, then? 00:15:00.047 --> 00:15:03.960 I'll tell you why. Because he's a decent bloke. He doesn't bear a grudge. 00:15:04.127 --> 00:15:06.436 You're a lucky lad, Chris. 00:15:11.647 --> 00:15:14.400 D'you want your face washing, Carl? 00:15:14.567 --> 00:15:17.127 Yeah, that would be nice, thank you. 00:15:18.287 --> 00:15:20.482 (RUNS TAP BRIEFLY) 00:15:25.647 --> 00:15:27.000 That's it. 00:15:27.167 --> 00:15:29.362 Cheers, Chris. Want me to do yours? 00:15:29.527 --> 00:15:31.836 - Yeah. - Take your gegs off. 00:15:33.967 --> 00:15:37.118 - Go 'way! Go 'way, man! - Ah, come on, Chris. 00:15:37.287 --> 00:15:39.164 - It'll freshen you up. - Away! 00:15:41.247 --> 00:15:42.646 (CAWS) 00:15:45.607 --> 00:15:48.519 - (TYRES SQUEAL) - (CRASH) 00:15:50.367 --> 00:15:55.361 - (MAN GROANS) - Now keep calm, it's going to be OK. 00:15:55.527 --> 00:16:00.396 - I'm a doctor. I saw it. It wasn't your fault. - He just stepped out. I didn't see him. 00:16:00.567 --> 00:16:03.684 Why does this always happen to me? 00:16:03.847 --> 00:16:06.281 Why does it always happen to me, more like! 00:16:06.447 --> 00:16:10.679 He's bleeding badly. I need a tourniquet. Take your tights off. 00:16:10.847 --> 00:16:14.044 (CAR STEREO: ''I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS'') 00:16:19.327 --> 00:16:20.680 (SCREAMS) 00:16:20.847 --> 00:16:25.284 What is that wonderful smell? It's like fruits of the forest. 00:16:25.447 --> 00:16:29.201 - Er...it's Fanny Fresh. - And what is that? 00:16:29.367 --> 00:16:31.198 Prat spray. 00:16:31.367 --> 00:16:35.758 - It's wonderful. It's wonderful. I love you! - (THUNDER ROLLS) 00:16:35.927 --> 00:16:39.681 # I wanna know what love is 00:16:42.447 --> 00:16:45.962 # I want you to show me 00:16:48.087 --> 00:16:51.204 # I wanna feel what love is 00:16:54.287 --> 00:16:58.121 # I know you can show me 00:16:59.967 --> 00:17:03.243 # I wanna know what love is ... # 00:17:05.607 --> 00:17:07.837 That was a super little meal, wasn't it? 00:17:13.727 --> 00:17:16.116 - You 'aving a pudding? - I've already 'ad one. 00:17:16.287 --> 00:17:18.242 - No, you 'aven't. - I know. 00:17:18.406 --> 00:17:21.444 Every picture tells a story, and this one's a whodunnit. 00:17:21.607 --> 00:17:24.758 - Oh, right, so who did do it? - I dunno. 00:17:25.926 --> 00:17:29.363 Have you never heard anything about me son Paul whilst I was away? 00:17:29.527 --> 00:17:33.964 Read about him doing summat brave, or winning a trophy for running fast? 00:17:34.127 --> 00:17:38.040 Last I 'eard, he was working in Riley's Garden Centre on the Catterick Road, 00:17:38.207 --> 00:17:39.799 but that was three years ago. 00:17:39.967 --> 00:17:43.243 - Who told you that, like? - Dan Dan the Shellfish Man. 00:17:43.407 --> 00:17:46.922 Talk to him. He moves about and he's a nosy get. 00:17:54.567 --> 00:17:57.127 (SIGHING) 00:17:58.127 --> 00:18:01.597 Hang on in there. It von't be long. 00:18:06.207 --> 00:18:12.203 - Hello. Do you mind if I join you? - Oh, erm...no, Mr Palmer, that's fine. Please do. 00:18:12.367 --> 00:18:14.358 Thanks very much. 00:18:16.247 --> 00:18:19.045 So, Mr Palmer, is everything OK? 00:18:19.207 --> 00:18:21.675 Yeah, it's a super little hotel, it really is. 00:18:21.847 --> 00:18:24.725 And, er...are you still egg-bound? 00:18:24.887 --> 00:18:28.243 Oh, no, no, I've unburdened meself, up in the room, you know. 00:18:28.407 --> 00:18:31.479 It was spectacular. It was like a Jean Michael Jarre concert. 00:18:31.647 --> 00:18:34.559 You know, all singing and dancing. 00:18:34.727 --> 00:18:40.484 I phoned up the port authority to alert them that there might be a blip on the radar. 00:18:40.647 --> 00:18:44.879 It's the flotilla tomorrow. Let's hope it doesn't get in the way. 00:18:45.047 --> 00:18:49.359 Yeah. There she blows! Man the poop deck! 00:18:50.607 --> 00:18:52.359 Shit ahoy! 00:18:52.527 --> 00:18:57.726 - (NEEDLE SKIPS ON RECORD ) - I'll, er...just go and fix my record deck. 00:19:02.167 --> 00:19:06.319 - Nice fella, Mark, i'nt he? - Yeah. As men go, yeah. 00:19:06.487 --> 00:19:09.001 I like... I like your scarf. 00:19:12.087 --> 00:19:14.078 I bought it in a shop, so... 00:19:15.767 --> 00:19:20.397 - Is there anywhere good around here? - Over there by the window's quite popular. 00:19:20.567 --> 00:19:23.604 Yeah, I've been there. It's a hell of a view, innit? 00:19:23.767 --> 00:19:26.725 I was exhausted after about two minutes. 00:19:26.887 --> 00:19:31.005 To be honest with you, Tess, I, er...prefer the view from here, really. 00:19:34.727 --> 00:19:39.323 Oh, look, there's your...friend up at the bar. I'd better go and serve him. 00:19:39.487 --> 00:19:42.923 Oh, right. Hey, maybe we could have a dance later, eh? 00:19:44.287 --> 00:19:45.959 Maybe. 00:19:48.847 --> 00:19:50.883 Did you see or hear anything? 00:19:51.047 --> 00:19:54.926 C'mon, it's like trying to draw blood out of a bowl with you guys. 00:19:55.087 --> 00:19:56.725 No. Nothin'. 00:19:56.887 --> 00:19:58.445 No. 00:19:58.607 --> 00:20:02.282 And you? Where did you get that damage to your chin? 00:20:02.447 --> 00:20:07.396 - My hunch is it's a recent occurrence. - Me and Pat had a fight. 00:20:07.567 --> 00:20:10.957 About what, may I incredulously inquire? 00:20:11.967 --> 00:20:13.923 - Whose hands... - Were the heaviest. 00:20:14.087 --> 00:20:16.555 Were the heaviest. 00:20:17.447 --> 00:20:19.642 OK, I'll buy that for now. 00:20:19.807 --> 00:20:23.197 But if any of you remember anything, give me a call. 00:20:23.367 --> 00:20:26.643 Or dial 999 and ask for the American Eagle. 00:20:26.807 --> 00:20:28.559 Oh, one more thing. 00:20:28.727 --> 00:20:33.243 Might I ask that none of you leave Europe until this investigation is over? 00:20:35.607 --> 00:20:37.996 Come, Webster, we must away. 00:20:41.727 --> 00:20:44.719 Pint of lager, pint of cider and a pint of bitter. 00:20:44.887 --> 00:20:49.165 And a selection of pickles for two male adults, please, and make it snappy. 00:20:49.327 --> 00:20:51.602 That's a crocodile joke. Ha ha. 00:20:51.767 --> 00:20:54.600 - See them coasters there? - Yeah. 00:20:54.767 --> 00:20:57.122 They're multilayered. There's no adhesive. 00:20:57.287 --> 00:20:59.960 No adhesive? You're shitting on me. 00:21:00.127 --> 00:21:03.517 I wouldn't do that. I used to work in the paper factory. 00:21:03.687 --> 00:21:06.247 Hey. Hush, whisht, whisht. Listen. 00:21:06.407 --> 00:21:12.846 One day this bloke working the coaster press got his finger caught under the piston, 00:21:13.007 --> 00:21:15.919 and when he pulled it out, it had gone. 00:21:16.087 --> 00:21:19.523 There was no evidence. It just disappeared in a puff of smoke. 00:21:19.687 --> 00:21:22.565 No way. You're feeling my fanny. 00:21:22.727 --> 00:21:25.480 And that lonely coaster press operative 00:21:25.647 --> 00:21:27.797 lives today to tell the tale. 00:21:27.967 --> 00:21:31.642 And that bloke...is not me. 00:21:31.807 --> 00:21:34.799 Cheeky get, licking my arse like that. 00:21:34.967 --> 00:21:37.640 - I know. - (LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY) 00:21:40.887 --> 00:21:42.923 Pull me finger. 00:21:43.087 --> 00:21:44.964 (FARTS) 00:21:50.087 --> 00:21:52.601 I...I didn't see that coming! 00:21:52.767 --> 00:21:54.246 Uh? 00:21:56.207 --> 00:22:00.280 - (FARTS) - (LAUGHS) You're funny. 00:22:00.447 --> 00:22:05.726 #Judy Teen, the queen of the scene, she's rag doll amore 00:22:08.047 --> 00:22:13.997 #Judy Teen grew sick of the scene, just bragging to fools 00:22:15.087 --> 00:22:19.000 # Together riding on a crest, i' was swell We stole her face 00:22:19.167 --> 00:22:25.481 # And oh, how we laughed She made us happy... 00:22:30.447 --> 00:22:32.039 (NEEDLE SKIPS) 00:22:33.887 --> 00:22:37.562 This ungodly, feverish display vill stop now! 00:22:37.727 --> 00:22:40.116 I know your game. Back to your duties! 00:22:44.927 --> 00:22:47.441 -Vot do you call this? - Er...a disco night. 00:22:47.607 --> 00:22:50.679 ''Er...a disco night.'' 00:22:50.847 --> 00:22:55.204 And let me count the number of people at your disco night. 00:22:55.367 --> 00:22:59.804 One, two, three, four, five. 00:22:59.967 --> 00:23:04.961 I only need one hand, which leaves me the other free to thmack your head with! 00:23:05.127 --> 00:23:07.277 Come on, mate, give him a break. 00:23:07.447 --> 00:23:12.396 - Good idea. I'll break his neck. - Mr Oates, why are you so down on me today? 00:23:12.567 --> 00:23:18.244 Yes, I vill go down on you. Very hard and very forcibly until you come good. 00:23:21.247 --> 00:23:23.761 Hey, you two, tossers, off. 00:23:26.247 --> 00:23:30.763 - That's it. Get out! - You can't throw us out, we're residents. 00:23:30.927 --> 00:23:34.681 Vell, the bar is shut, so you can PISS OFF back to your room. 00:23:34.847 --> 00:23:38.203 And as for you, baby bellboy, 00:23:38.367 --> 00:23:40.562 I vill deal with you in the morning. 00:23:40.727 --> 00:23:42.843 Now, everybody out! 00:23:43.007 --> 00:23:44.679 All right, mate. 00:23:50.927 --> 00:23:54.761 - (MOUTHS) - I told you to get out. 00:24:03.247 --> 00:24:05.841 Er...Chris, can I have a word? 00:24:06.007 --> 00:24:10.683 Erm...your brother's told me all about this George Clooney business. 00:24:10.847 --> 00:24:12.485 - Aaargh! - No, Chris. 00:24:12.647 --> 00:24:16.196 I have to say I'm with your brother over this. What possessed you? 00:24:16.367 --> 00:24:18.517 Pull my finger. 00:24:23.647 --> 00:24:25.922 (SQUELCHING) 00:24:27.767 --> 00:24:29.086 (THUD ) 00:24:29.247 --> 00:24:32.557 Come with me. I've got something to show you. 00:24:36.967 --> 00:24:39.800 How did he do that? 00:24:41.007 --> 00:24:45.478 How dare you look at me like that? You whore! Go to the room now! 00:24:46.327 --> 00:24:48.522 Piss off, Roy. 00:24:48.687 --> 00:24:51.679 Just piss off and leave me alone! 00:24:51.847 --> 00:24:55.283 (MUSIC: MORRISSEY'S ''SATAN REJECTED MY SOUL'') 00:25:05.807 --> 00:25:09.004 # Satan rejected my soul 00:25:09.167 --> 00:25:13.046 # As low as he goes, he never qui' e goes this low 00:25:13.207 --> 00:25:15.437 # He's seen my face around 00:25:15.607 --> 00:25:21.000 # He knows heaven doesn't seem to be my home 00:25:21.167 --> 00:25:26.764 # So I must find somewhere else to go 00:25:26.927 --> 00:25:31.443 # I must find somewhere else to go 00:25:31.607 --> 00:25:35.077 # So take i', please 00:25:35.247 --> 00:25:39.798 # Call me in , call me in , call me in 00:25:41.447 --> 00:25:42.926 # Come on, come on 00:25:43.087 --> 00:25:48.320 # Oh, come on, come on, la, la, la la la la 00:25:48.487 --> 00:25:50.682 # Ooh # 00:25:57.647 --> 00:25:59.877 Don't leave me, Tess. 00:26:00.047 --> 00:26:03.119 Please don't leave me! 00:26:05.127 --> 00:26:08.563 - (SQUELCHING) - Don't leave me, Tess. 00:26:12.007 --> 00:26:16.159 Erm...I found that in a skip. 00:26:16.327 --> 00:26:20.115 If it'll 'elp to smooth things out with you and Carl, it's yours. 00:26:22.767 --> 00:26:24.519 (SOBS) 00:26:26.647 --> 00:26:28.000 It's all right, Chris. 00:26:35.927 --> 00:26:38.202 - You little liar! - (SCREAMS) 00:26:39.247 --> 00:26:42.398 Mum! What are you doing? Aagh! My hair! 00:26:43.607 --> 00:26:46.167 What are you doing, Mum? Get off me! 00:26:47.287 --> 00:26:49.755 You're not collecting cutlery. You're on the run again! 00:26:49.927 --> 00:26:54.796 - No, Mum, honest! You've got it wrong! - Get in there now! 00:26:54.967 --> 00:26:57.356 I got it direct from the police! 00:27:02.847 --> 00:27:05.156 Don't leave me, Tess. 00:27:05.327 --> 00:27:09.320 Not now! Soon we will be complete. 00:27:09.487 --> 00:27:11.045 (WHIMPERS) 00:27:11.207 --> 00:27:13.277 Don't leave me, Tess! 00:27:14.367 --> 00:27:17.803 # I wanna know what love is 00:27:20.567 --> 00:27:24.242 # I want you to show me 00:27:26.207 --> 00:27:29.279 # I wanna feel what love is 00:27:32.487 --> 00:27:35.923 # I know you can show me 00:27:38.007 --> 00:27:41.124 # I wanna know what love is ... 00:27:42.207 --> 00:27:44.767 (TONY) You two are dead.