[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.96,0:00:02.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I published this article
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.44,0:00:06.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the New York Times Modern Love column\Nin January of this year.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.84,0:00:09.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.20,0:00:11.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the article\Nis about a psychological study
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.52,0:00:14.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,designed to create romantic love\Nin the laboratory,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.96,0:00:17.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my own experience\Ntrying to study myself
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.72,0:00:19.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one night last summer.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.60,0:00:22.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the procedure is fairly simple:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.36,0:00:29.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,two strangers take turns asking each other\N36 increasingly personal questions
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.24,0:00:32.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then they stare into each other's eyes
Dialogue: 0,0:00:32.16,0:00:34.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without speaking for four minutes.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.36,0:00:38.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So here are a couple of sample questions.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.76,0:00:44.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow\Nhaving gained any one quality or ability,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.04,0:00:45.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what would it be?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.24,0:00:50.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number 28: When did you last cry\Nin front of another person?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.96,0:00:52.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,By yourself?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.20,0:00:56.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As you can see, they really do\Nget more personal as they go along.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.48,0:00:58.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number 30, I really like this one:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.88,0:01:01.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tell your partner\Nwhat you like about them;
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.76,0:01:03.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be very honest this time,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.64,0:01:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,saying things you might not say\Nto someone you just met.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.84,0:01:13.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when I first came across this study\Na few years earlier,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.40,0:01:15.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one detail really stuck out to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.52,0:01:18.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that was the rumor\Nthat two of the participants
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.60,0:01:21.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,had gotten married six months later,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.12,0:01:25.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they'd invited the entire lab\Nto the ceremony.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.32,0:01:28.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I was of course very skeptical
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.20,0:01:31.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about this process of just\Nmanufacturing romantic love,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.88,0:01:34.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but of course I was intrigued,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.76,0:01:38.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when I got the chance\Nto try this study myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.20,0:01:41.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with someone I knew\Nbut not particularly well,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.36,0:01:44.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wasn't expecting to fall in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.52,0:01:47.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then we did, and --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.24,0:01:49.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.16,0:01:53.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought it made a good story,\Nso I sent it to the Modern Love column
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.56,0:01:55.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a few months later.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.40,0:01:59.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this was published in January,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.88,0:02:01.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and now it is August,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.60,0:02:05.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I'm guessing that some of you\Nare probably wondering,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.24,0:02:07.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are we still together?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.64,0:02:10.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the reason I think\Nyou might be wondering this
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.04,0:02:12.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is because I have been asked this question
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.72,0:02:16.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,again and again and again\Nfor the past seven months,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.68,0:02:20.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this question is really\Nwhat I want to talk about today.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.40,0:02:21.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But let's come back to it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.88,0:02:24.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.88,0:02:26.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the week before the article came out,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.88,0:02:29.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was very nervous.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.60,0:02:32.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had been working\Non a book about love stories
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.20,0:02:34.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the past few years,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.04,0:02:36.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I had gotten used to writing\Nabout my own experiences
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.88,0:02:39.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with romantic love on my blog.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.92,0:02:44.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But a blog post might get\Na couple hundred views at the most,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.52,0:02:47.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and those were usually\Njust my Facebook friends,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.64,0:02:50.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I figured my article\Nin the New York Times
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.24,0:02:53.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would probably get a few thousand views.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.08,0:02:56.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that felt like a lot of attention
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.88,0:03:00.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on a relatively new relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.08,0:03:03.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But as it turned out, I had no idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.24,0:03:06.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the article was published online
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.16,0:03:08.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on a Friday evening,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.24,0:03:14.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and by Saturday, this had happened\Nto the traffic on my blog,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.40,0:03:19.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and by Sunday, both the Today Show\Nand Good Morning America had called.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.72,0:03:25.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Within a month, the article\Nwould receive over 8 million views,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.28,0:03:27.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was, to say the least,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.60,0:03:31.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,underprepared for this sort of attention.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.52,0:03:34.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's one thing to work up\Nthe confidence to write honestly
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.52,0:03:36.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about your experiences with love,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.64,0:03:39.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it is another thing to discover
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.12,0:03:42.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that your love life\Nhas made international news --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.12,0:03:43.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.36,0:03:47.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to realize\Nthat people across the world
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.20,0:03:52.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are genuinely invested\Nin the status of your new relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.20,0:03:54.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.40,0:03:59.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when people called or emailed,\Nwhich they did every day for weeks,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.24,0:04:02.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they always asked the same question first:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.60,0:04:05.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are you guys still together?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.28,0:04:07.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, as I was preparing this talk,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.64,0:04:09.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did a quick search of my email inbox
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.92,0:04:11.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the phrase "Are you still together?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.88,0:04:14.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and several messages\Npopped up immediately.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.60,0:04:17.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were from students and journalists
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.28,0:04:20.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and friendly strangers like this one.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.32,0:04:22.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did radio interviews and they asked.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.80,0:04:26.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I even gave a talk, and one woman\Nshouted up to the stage,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.76,0:04:30.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.12,0:04:33.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I promptly turned bright red.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.44,0:04:36.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand that this\Nis part of the deal.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.28,0:04:39.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you write about your relationship\Nin an international newspaper,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.84,0:04:43.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you should expect people\Nto feel comfortable asking about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.52,0:04:48.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I just wasn't prepared\Nfor the scope of the response.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.48,0:04:52.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The 36 questions seem\Nto have taken on a life of their own.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.36,0:04:55.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, the New York Times\Npublished a follow-up article
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.80,0:04:57.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for Valentine's Day,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.04,0:05:01.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which featured readers' experiences\Nof trying the study themselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.56,0:05:03.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with varying degrees of success.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.96,0:05:09.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my first impulse\Nin the face of all of this attention
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.20,0:05:12.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was to become very protective\Nof my own relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.92,0:05:16.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said no to every request\Nfor the two of us
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.96,0:05:19.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to do a media appearance together.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.32,0:05:21.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I turned down TV interviews,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.04,0:05:25.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I said no to every request\Nfor photos of the two us.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.20,0:05:27.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think I was afraid that we would become
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.80,0:05:31.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,inadvertent icons\Nfor the process of falling in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.96,0:05:35.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a position I did not at all\Nfeel qualified for.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.76,0:05:39.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I get it:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.24,0:05:42.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people didn't just want to know\Nif the study worked,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.04,0:05:44.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they wanted to know if it really worked:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.00,0:05:49.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that is, if it was capable\Nof producing love that would last,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.72,0:05:55.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not just a fling, but real love,\Nsustainable love.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.12,0:05:59.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But this was a question\NI didn't feel capable of answering.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.24,0:06:01.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My own relationship\Nwas only a few months old,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.96,0:06:06.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I felt like people were asking\Nthe wrong question in the first place.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.04,0:06:12.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What would knowing whether or not\Nwe were still together really tell them?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.20,0:06:13.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If the answer was no,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.88,0:06:17.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would it make the experience\Nof doing these 36 questions
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.88,0:06:20.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,any less worthwhile?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.80,0:06:23.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote\Nabout these questions
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.60,0:06:27.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in this study here in 1997,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.00,0:06:32.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and here, the researcher's goal\Nwas not to produce romantic love.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.76,0:06:34.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, they wanted to foster
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.72,0:06:38.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,interpersonal closeness\Namong college students,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.20,0:06:40.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by using what Aron called
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.96,0:06:45.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"sustained, escalating, reciprocal,\Npersonalistic self-disclosure."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.88,0:06:48.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sounds romantic, doesn't it?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.60,0:06:51.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the study did work.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.28,0:06:54.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The participants\Ndid feel closer after doing it,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.36,0:06:59.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and several subsequent studies have also\Nused Aron's fast friends protocol
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.68,0:07:03.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as a way to quickly create\Ntrust and intimacy between strangers.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.84,0:07:07.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They've used it between members\Nof the police and members of a community,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.29,0:07:10.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they've used it between people\Nof opposing political ideologies.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.80,0:07:13.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The original version of the story,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.60,0:07:16.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the one that I tried last summer,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.12,0:07:20.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that pairs the personal questions\Nwith four minutes of eye contact,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.36,0:07:22.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was referenced in this article,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.48,0:07:25.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but unfortunately it was never published.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.64,0:07:29.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So a few months ago, I was giving a talk
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.68,0:07:31.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at a small liberal arts college,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.00,0:07:34.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a student came up to me afterwards
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.72,0:07:36.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he said, kind of shyly,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.36,0:07:42.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"So, I tried your study,\Nand it didn't work."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.40,0:07:45.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He seemed a little mystified by this.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.68,0:07:50.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You mean, you didn't fall in love\Nwith the person you did it with?" I asked.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.48,0:07:52.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well..." He paused.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.92,0:07:55.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I think she just wants to be friends."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.48,0:08:01.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"But did you become\Nbetter friends?" I asked.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.24,0:08:04.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Did you feel like you got to really\Nknow each other after doing the study?"
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.92,0:08:06.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He nodded.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.24,0:08:09.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"So, then it worked," I said.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.20,0:08:13.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't think this is the answer\Nhe was looking for.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.44,0:08:17.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, I don't think this is the answer\Nthat any of us are looking for
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.80,0:08:20.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when it comes to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.08,0:08:21.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I first came across this study
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.84,0:08:23.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I was 29
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.32,0:08:26.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was going through\Na really difficult breakup.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.76,0:08:29.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had been in the relationship\Nsince I was 20,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.40,0:08:32.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which was basically my entire adult life,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.20,0:08:34.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he was my first real love,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.32,0:08:39.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I had no idea how or if\NI could make a life without him.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.44,0:08:41.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I turned to science.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.84,0:08:46.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I researched everything I could find\Nabout the science of romantic love,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.44,0:08:51.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I think I was hoping that it might\Nsomehow inoculate me from heartache.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.56,0:08:54.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know if I realized\Nthis at the time --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.12,0:08:58.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought I was just doing research\Nfor this book I was writing --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.44,0:09:01.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it seems really obvious in retrospect.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.88,0:09:06.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hoped that if I armed myself\Nwith the knowledge of romantic love,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.32,0:09:10.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I might never have to feel\Nas terrible and lonely as I did then.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.32,0:09:16.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And all this knowledge\Nhas been useful in some ways.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.64,0:09:19.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am more patient with love.\NI am more relaxed.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.96,0:09:23.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am more confident\Nabout asking for what I want.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.56,0:09:27.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I can also see myself more clearly,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.32,0:09:31.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I can see that what I want\Nis sometimes more
Dialogue: 0,0:09:31.60,0:09:34.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than can reasonably be asked for.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.68,0:09:38.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I want from love is a guarantee,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.16,0:09:40.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not just that I am loved today
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.40,0:09:42.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that I will be loved tomorrow,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.84,0:09:48.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that I will continue to be loved\Nby the person I love indefinitely.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.24,0:09:52.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Maybe it's this possibility of a guarantee
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.76,0:09:54.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that people were really asking about
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.76,0:09:57.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they wanted to know\Nif we were still together.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:58.80,0:10:02.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the story that the media told\Nabout the 36 questions
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.76,0:10:06.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was that there might be\Na shortcut to falling in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.08,0:10:09.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There might be a way to somehow\Nmitigate some of the risk involved,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.84,0:10:12.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this is a very appealing story,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:12.48,0:10:15.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because falling in love feels amazing,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.68,0:10:18.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's also terrifying.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:18.44,0:10:21.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The moment you admit to loving someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.04,0:10:23.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you admit to having a lot to lose,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.64,0:10:28.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's true that these questions\Ndo provide a mechanism
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.88,0:10:31.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for getting to know someone quickly,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.20,0:10:33.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is also a mechanism for being known,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.76,0:10:38.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I think this is the thing\Nthat most of us really want from love:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.24,0:10:42.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be known, to be seen, to be understood.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.20,0:10:45.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I think when it comes to love,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.16,0:10:49.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are too willing to accept\Nthe short version of the story.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.68,0:10:53.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The version of the story that asks\N"Are you still together?"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.28,0:10:56.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and is content with a yes or no answer.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.56,0:10:59.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So rather than that question,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.52,0:11:03.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would propose we ask\Nsome more difficult questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.20,0:11:04.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,questions like:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.08,0:11:08.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do you decide who deserves your love
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.12,0:11:09.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and who does not?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.84,0:11:14.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do you stay in love\Nwhen things get difficult,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.12,0:11:16.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and how do you know\Nwhen to just cut and run?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.88,0:11:19.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do you live with the doubt
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.80,0:11:22.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that inevitably creeps\Ninto every relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.84,0:11:24.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or even harder,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.48,0:11:26.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how do you live with your partner's doubt?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.80,0:11:31.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't necessarily know\Nthe answers to these questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:31.44,0:11:36.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think they're an important start\Nat having a more thoughtful conversation
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.60,0:11:38.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about what it means to love someone.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.08,0:11:42.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, if you want it,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.44,0:11:46.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the short version of the story\Nof my relationship is this:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.76,0:11:49.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a year ago, an acquaintance\Nand I did a study
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.88,0:11:52.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,designed to create romantic love,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.60,0:11:54.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we fell in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.32,0:11:56.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we are still together,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.20,0:11:58.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I am so glad.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:59.04,0:12:03.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But falling in love is not\Nthe same thing as staying in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.44,0:12:06.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Falling in love is the easy part.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.36,0:12:12.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So at the end of my article, I wrote,\N"Love didn't happen to us.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.76,0:12:16.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're in love because we each\Nmade the choice to be."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.08,0:12:20.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I cringe a little\Nwhen I read that now,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.28,0:12:22.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not because it isn't true,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:22.60,0:12:25.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but because at the time,\NI really hadn't considered
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.84,0:12:29.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everything that was contained\Nin that choice.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.48,0:12:34.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't consider how many times\Nwe would each have to make that choice,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.72,0:12:38.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and how many times I will continue\Nto have to make that choice
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.32,0:12:42.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without knowing whether or not\Nhe will always choose me.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.16,0:12:47.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want it to be enough to have asked\Nand answered 36 questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:47.68,0:12:52.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to have chosen to love someone\Nso generous and kind and fun
Dialogue: 0,0:12:52.92,0:12:57.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to have broadcast that choice\Nin the biggest newspaper in America.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:58.88,0:13:01.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what I have done instead\Nis turn my relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.00,0:13:06.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into the kind of myth\NI don't quite believe in.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:06.20,0:13:10.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what I want, what perhaps\NI will spend my life wanting,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.48,0:13:13.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is for that myth to be true.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:13.20,0:13:17.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want the happy ending\Nimplied by the title to my article,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:18.00,0:13:19.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is, incidentally,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:19.52,0:13:23.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the only part of the article\Nthat I didn't actually write.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.20,0:13:26.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.52,0:13:31.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what I have instead is the chance\Nto make the choice to love someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.24,0:13:34.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the hope that he will choose\Nto love me back,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.72,0:13:37.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it is terrifying,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:37.44,0:13:39.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that's the deal with love.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.20,0:13:40.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.