[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.97,0:00:02.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I published this article
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.69,0:00:06.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the New York Times Modern Love column\Nin January of this year.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.73,0:00:09.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.19,0:00:11.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the article is about\Na psychological study
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.52,0:00:14.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,designed to create romantic love\Nin the laboratory,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.72,0:00:17.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my own experience\Ntrying to study myself
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.78,0:00:19.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one night last summer.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.71,0:00:22.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the procedure is fairly simple:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.36,0:00:29.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,two strangers take turns asking each other\N36 increasingly personal questions
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.23,0:00:31.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then they stare into each other's eyes
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.65,0:00:35.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without speaking for four minutes.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.38,0:00:38.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So here are a couple of sample questions.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.75,0:00:44.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow\Nhaving gained any one quality or ability,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.02,0:00:46.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what would it be?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.25,0:00:50.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number 28: When did you last cry\Nin front of another person?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.96,0:00:52.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,By yourself?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.52,0:00:56.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As you can see, they really do\Nget more personal as they go along.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.49,0:00:59.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number 30, I really like this one:
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.28,0:01:01.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tell your partner\Nwhat you like about them;
Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.76,0:01:03.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be very honest this time,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.53,0:01:09.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,saying things you might not say\Nto someone you just met.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.01,0:01:13.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when I first came across this study\Na few years earlier,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.35,0:01:15.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one detail really stuck out to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.69,0:01:18.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that was the rumor\Nthat two of the participants
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.60,0:01:21.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,had gotten married six months later,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.13,0:01:25.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they'd invited the entire lab\Nto the ceremony.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.05,0:01:28.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I was of course very skeptical
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.07,0:01:31.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about this process of just\Nmanufacturing romantic love,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.58,0:01:34.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but of course I was intrigued,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.76,0:01:38.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when I got the chance\Nto try this study myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.28,0:01:41.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with someone I knew\Nbut not particularly well,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.05,0:01:44.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wasn't expecting to fall in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.46,0:01:47.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then we did, and --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.22,0:01:49.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.15,0:01:53.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I thought it made a good story,\Nso I sent it to the Modern Love column
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.54,0:01:55.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a few months later.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.47,0:01:59.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, this was published in January,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.90,0:02:01.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and now it is August,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.81,0:02:04.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I'm guessing that some of you\Nare probably wondering,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.80,0:02:07.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are we still together?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.54,0:02:10.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the reason I think\Nyou might be wondering this
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.02,0:02:12.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is because I have been asked this question
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.65,0:02:16.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,again and again and again\Nfor the past seven months,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.94,0:02:20.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this question is really\Nwhat I want to talk about today.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.40,0:02:22.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But let's come back to it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.33,0:02:24.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.82,0:02:26.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the week before the article came out,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.88,0:02:29.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was very nervous.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.37,0:02:32.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had been working on a book\Nabout love stories
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.20,0:02:34.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the past few years,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.06,0:02:36.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I had gotten used to writing\Nabout my own experiences
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.89,0:02:39.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with romantic love on my blog.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.93,0:02:44.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But a blog post might get\Na couple hundred views at the most,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.44,0:02:47.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and those were usually\Njust my Facebook friends,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.06,0:02:50.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I figured my article\Nin the New York Times
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.15,0:02:53.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would probably get a few thousand views.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.96,0:02:56.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that felt like a lot of attention
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.88,0:03:00.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on a relatively new relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.06,0:03:04.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But as it turned out, I had no idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.17,0:03:06.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the article was published online
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.28,0:03:08.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on a Friday evening,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.26,0:03:14.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and by Saturday, this had happened\Nto the traffic on my blog,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.04,0:03:19.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and by Sunday, both the Today Show\Nand Good Morning America had called.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.87,0:03:25.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Within a month, the article\Nwould receive over 8 million views,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:25.26,0:03:27.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was, to say the least,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.53,0:03:31.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,underprepared for this sort of attention.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.45,0:03:34.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's one thing to work up\Nthe confidence to write honestly
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.40,0:03:36.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about your experiences with love,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.63,0:03:39.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it is another thing to discover
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.21,0:03:42.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that your love life\Nhas made international news --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.11,0:03:43.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) --
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.53,0:03:47.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to realize that people\Nacross the world
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.06,0:03:52.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are genuinely invested in the status\Nof your new relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.21,0:03:54.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.53,0:03:59.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when people called or emailed,\Nwhich they did every day for weeks,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.22,0:04:02.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they always asked the same question first:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.10,0:04:05.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are you guys still together?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.28,0:04:07.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, as I was preparing this talk,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.47,0:04:09.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did a quick search of my email inbox
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.79,0:04:11.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the phrase "Are you still together?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.67,0:04:14.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and several messages\Npopped up immediately.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.52,0:04:17.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were from students and journalists
Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.26,0:04:20.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and friendly strangers like this one.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.12,0:04:22.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did radio interviews and they asked.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.79,0:04:26.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I even gave a talk, and one woman\Nshouted up to the stage,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.44,0:04:30.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.13,0:04:33.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I promptly turned bright red.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.38,0:04:36.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand that this\Nis part of the deal.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.35,0:04:39.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you write about your relationship\Nin an international newspaper,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.81,0:04:43.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you should expect people to feel\Ncomfortable asking about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.55,0:04:48.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I just wasn't prepared\Nfor the scope of the response.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.17,0:04:52.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The 36 questions seem\Nto have taken on a life of their own.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.51,0:04:55.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, the New York Times\Npublished a follow-up article
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.81,0:04:57.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for Valentine's Day,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.55,0:05:01.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which featured readers' experiences\Nof trying the study themselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.57,0:05:04.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with varying degrees of success.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.86,0:05:08.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my first impulse in the face\Nof all of this attention
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.95,0:05:13.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was to become very protective\Nof my own relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.20,0:05:16.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said no to every request\Nfor the two of us
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.67,0:05:19.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to do a media appearance together.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.20,0:05:22.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I turned down TV interviews,\Nand I said no to every request
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.48,0:05:25.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for photos of the two us.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.22,0:05:27.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think I was afraid that we would become
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.68,0:05:32.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,inadvertent icons for the process\Nof falling in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.04,0:05:36.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a position I did not at all\Nfeel qualified for.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.16,0:05:39.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I get it:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.34,0:05:42.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people didn't just want to know\Nif the study worked,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.03,0:05:45.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they wanted to know if it really worked:
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.07,0:05:49.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that is, if it was capable of producing\Nlove that would last,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.34,0:05:55.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not just a fling, but real love,\Nsustainable love.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.10,0:05:59.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But this was a question I didn't feel\Ncapable of answering.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.16,0:06:01.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My own relationship\Nwas only a few months old,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.95,0:06:07.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I felt like people were asking\Nthe wrong question in the first place.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.62,0:06:12.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What would knowing whether or not\Nwe were still together really tell them?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.26,0:06:15.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If the answer was no,\Nwould it make the experience
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.30,0:06:20.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of doing these 36 questions\Nany less worthwhile?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.90,0:06:23.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote\Nabout these questions
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.71,0:06:27.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in this study here in 1997,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.78,0:06:32.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and here, the researcher's goal\Nwas not to produce romantic love.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.78,0:06:34.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, they wanted to foster
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.83,0:06:38.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,interpersonal closeness\Namong college students,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.22,0:06:40.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by using what Aron called
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.79,0:06:45.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"sustained, escalating, reciprocal,\Npersonalistic self-disclosure."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.88,0:06:48.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sounds romantic, doesn't it.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:48.92,0:06:51.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the study did work.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.50,0:06:54.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The participants did feel\Ncloser after doing it,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.14,0:06:59.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and several subsequent studies have also\Nused Aron's fast friends protocol
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.51,0:07:03.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as a way to quickly create trust\Nand intimacy between strangers.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:03.76,0:07:07.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They've used it between members\Nof the police and members of a community,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.08,0:07:11.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they've used it between people\Nof opposing political ideologies.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.81,0:07:13.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The original version of the story,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.73,0:07:15.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the one that I tried last summer,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.82,0:07:20.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that pairs the personal questions\Nwith four minutes of eye contact,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.23,0:07:22.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was referenced in this article,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.48,0:07:25.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but unfortunately it was never published.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.43,0:07:29.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So a few months ago, I was giving a talk
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.82,0:07:32.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at a small liberal arts college,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.00,0:07:34.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a student came up to me afterwards
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.91,0:07:37.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he said, kind of shyly,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.37,0:07:42.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"So, I tried your study,\Nand it didn't work."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.52,0:07:45.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He seemed a little mystified by this.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.47,0:07:49.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You mean, you didn't fall in love\Nwith the person you did it with?" I asked.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.86,0:07:52.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well..." He paused.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.91,0:07:57.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I think she just wants to be friends."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.48,0:08:01.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"But did you become\Nbetter friends?" I asked.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.24,0:08:04.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Did you feel like you got to really\Nknow each after doing the study?"
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.91,0:08:06.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He nodded.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.28,0:08:09.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"So, then it worked," I said.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.21,0:08:13.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't think this is the answer\Nhe was looking for.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.43,0:08:17.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, I don't think this the answer\Nthat any of us are looking for
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.80,0:08:20.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when it comes to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.10,0:08:23.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I first came across this study\Nwhen I was 29
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.30,0:08:26.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was going through\Na really difficult breakup.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.76,0:08:29.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had been in the relationship\Nsince I was 20,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.80,0:08:32.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which was basically my entire adult life,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:32.03,0:08:34.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he was my first real love,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.03,0:08:39.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I had no idea how or if\NI could make a life without him.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.44,0:08:41.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I turned to science.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.85,0:08:46.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I researched everything I could find\Nabout the science of romantic love,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.34,0:08:52.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I think I was hoping that it might\Nsomehow inoculate me from heartache.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.07,0:08:53.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know if I realized this
Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.86,0:08:55.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at the time --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.51,0:08:58.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought I was just doing research\Nfor this book I was writing --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.99,0:09:01.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it seems really obvious in retrospect.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.87,0:09:05.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hoped that if I armed myself\Nwith the knowledge of romantic love,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.91,0:09:12.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I might never have to feel\Nas terrible and lonely as I did then.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.20,0:09:16.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And all this knowledge\Nhas been useful in some ways.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.66,0:09:19.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am more patient with love.\NI am more relaxed.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.84,0:09:23.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am more confident\Nabout asking for what I want.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.09,0:09:26.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I can also see myself more clearly,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.92,0:09:31.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I can see that I what I want\Nis sometimes more
Dialogue: 0,0:09:31.29,0:09:34.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than can reasonably be asked for.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.68,0:09:38.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I want from love is a guarantee,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.09,0:09:40.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not just that I am loved today
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.41,0:09:42.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that I will be loved tomorrow,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:42.69,0:09:49.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that I will continue to be loved\Nby the person I love indefinitely.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.26,0:09:52.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And maybe it's this possibility\Nof a guarantee
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.58,0:09:54.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that people were really asking about
Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.76,0:09:58.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they wanted to know\Nif we were still together.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:58.17,0:10:02.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the story that the media told\Nabout the 36 questions
Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.56,0:10:06.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was that there might be\Na shortcut to falling in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.18,0:10:09.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There might be a way to somehow mitigate\Nsome of the risk involved,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.92,0:10:12.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this is a very appealing story,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:12.22,0:10:15.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because falling in love feels amazing,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.82,0:10:18.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's also terrifying.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:18.24,0:10:21.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The moment you admit to loving someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.04,0:10:24.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you admit to having a lot to lose,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.53,0:10:28.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's true that these questions\Ndo provide a mechanism
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.89,0:10:31.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for getting to know someone quickly,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.22,0:10:33.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is also a mechanism for being known,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.77,0:10:38.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I think this is the thing\Nthat most of us really want from love:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.20,0:10:43.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be known, to be seen, to be understood.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.24,0:10:46.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I think when it comes to love,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:46.00,0:10:49.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are too willing to accept\Nthe short version of the story,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.70,0:10:53.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the version of the story that asks\N"Are you still together?"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.27,0:10:57.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and is content with a yes or no answer.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.27,0:11:01.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So rather than that question,\NI would propose we ask
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.33,0:11:03.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some more difficult questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.30,0:11:05.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,questions like:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.07,0:11:08.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do you decide who deserves your love
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.12,0:11:10.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and who does not?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.10,0:11:14.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do you stay in love\Nwhen things get difficult,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.14,0:11:17.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and how do you know\Nwhen to just cut and run?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.62,0:11:19.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How do you live with the doubt
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.70,0:11:22.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that inevitably creeps\Ninto every relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.74,0:11:24.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or even harder,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.42,0:11:27.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how do you live with your partner's doubt?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.48,0:11:31.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't necessarily know\Nthe answers to these questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:31.24,0:11:36.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think they're an important start\Nat having a more thoughtful conversation
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.54,0:11:40.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about what it means to love someone.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.02,0:11:42.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, if you want it,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:42.55,0:11:46.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the short version of the story\Nof my relationship is this:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.75,0:11:49.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a year ago, an acquaintance\Nand I did a study
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.89,0:11:52.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,designed to create romantic love,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.26,0:11:54.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we fell in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:54.39,0:11:56.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we are still together,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.19,0:11:58.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I am so glad.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.91,0:12:04.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But falling in love is not\Nthe same thing as staying in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.53,0:12:08.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Falling in love is the easy part.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.36,0:12:12.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So at the end of my article, I wrote,\N"Love didn't happen to us.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.75,0:12:16.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're in love because we each\Nmade the choice to be."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.09,0:12:19.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I cringe a little\Nwhen I read that now,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:19.58,0:12:23.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not because it isn't true,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.15,0:12:26.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but because at the time,\NI really hadn't considered
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.01,0:12:29.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everything that was contained\Nin that choice.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.47,0:12:34.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't consider how many times\Nwe would each have to make that choice,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.71,0:12:38.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and how many times I will continue\Nto have to make that choice
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.17,0:12:42.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without knowing whether or not\Nhe will always choose me.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.24,0:12:47.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want it to be enough to have asked\Nand answered 36 questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:47.30,0:12:52.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to have chosen to love someone\Nso generous and kind and fun
Dialogue: 0,0:12:52.80,0:12:58.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to have broadcast that choice\Nin the biggest newspaper in America.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:58.91,0:13:01.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what I have done instead\Nis turn my relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.100,0:13:06.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into the kind of myth\NI don't quite believe in.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:06.20,0:13:09.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what I want, what perhaps\NI will spend my life wanting,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:09.74,0:13:13.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is for that myth to be true.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:13.20,0:13:17.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want the happy ending implied\Nby the title to my article,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.98,0:13:19.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is, incidentally,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:19.75,0:13:23.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the only part of the article\Nthat I didn't actually write.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:23.53,0:13:25.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:25.67,0:13:31.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what I have instead is the chance\Nto make the choice to love someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.06,0:13:34.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the hope that he will choose\Nto love me back,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.73,0:13:37.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it is terrifying,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:37.28,0:13:39.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but that's the deal with love.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.21,0:13:39.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.77,0:13:40.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)