Well!
As you can see it on this map, la Suisse, die Schweiz
is made up of four linguistic regions but mainly two regions:
First we have here in blue "la Suisse romande", where people speak french
in other words normal people
and we have "la Suisse Alémanique", primitive Switzerland
which is mainly habited by swiss germans
that we call "les bourbines" in order to simplify
La Suisse romande, "the French Switzerland"
has a border in the north with France
and another one in the south with Italy.
Two latin countries with an excellent influence.
On the other hand
German-speaking Switzerland is surrounded by Liechtenstein
which is a kind of Monaco with a bad weather
by Austria, "Österreich" and by Germany, "Deutschland"
two countries with an influence but no need to tell you which one
You might not know but Switzerland isn't a member
of the European Union even if it's right in the middle of Europe.
And you don't know why?
Because each time there's a referendum the french-speaking swisses vote yes
and "bourbines" say nein, nein!
Pay attention, this is not german.
"Bourbines" speak a language that nobody understands except them.
It's called swiss-german
It's a bit like german but they spit it.
"Schwiizerdütsch".
It's nice. "Schwiizerdütsch".
In German we say "Schweizerdeutsch" but they say "Schwiizerdütsch".
The need to stain everything.
For exemple they say Kroala bear for Koala bear
A camera becomes a kramera.
They don't say "ka" but "kra".
Can you imagine when they order a Coca-Cola?
By the way they also change our cities name.
Geneva is called Genf. Morat becomes Murten.
Soleure is Solothurn.
The limit is Porrentruy. They call it Pruntrut.
Pruntrut, seriously?
Can you imagine the trauma that represents for a child?
"Where do you live? I live in Pruntrut."
Even Germans are frightened when they meet Swiss-Germans.
One has to get up early to scare a german.
For exemple, how are you doing in german we say
"Wie geht es?"
But "Bourbines" say "Wie gots".
and when you are fine you don't answer "Gut"
but you say "Guet".
Wie gots? Guet. Wie gots? Guet. Wie gots? Guet.
Let's try. Wie gots?
No, not guet, gueet.
with the mouth which falls and with a very disgusted face
Like this yes, it means you're fine.
Wie gots? Wie gots? Wie gots?
You must be swiss-german. It's not possible.
Wie gots?
Läck bisch du blöd du fetti schnäpfe? (insults in swiss-german)
false alarm.
We never know. Is there a swiss-german in the room?
We always ask if there's a doctor
but we never think to ask if there's a sick person.
Don't tell me there is no swiss-german tonight
Where? Oh over there!
Hallo! Wie gots?
She's a real one, she's a real one.
What's your name?
Cornelia
Cornelia, this is definitively a real one.
Tell me where do you come from?
(Cornelia): Luzern.
This is nice of you to made such a long trip to see me.
But reassure me, you came in Lausanne for the show
then you'll go back to german-speaking Switzerland and leave french-speaking Switzerland!
Have a nice trip!
(Applauses)
I get lost. Let's come back to my geography class.
Switzerland, that we also call Helvetian Confederation
was founded in 1291. Eh Cornelia?
"Zwolfhundertnünününtkkht."
Contrary to what people think
the capital is not Geneva or Zürich but the city of Bern.
You don't know Bern? How can I describe it to you?
Have you ever fallen into a coma?
It's nearly the same but in Bern
you almost have no chance to wake up.
Hence the expression, "mettre le drapeau en berne" (lower the flag)
Pay attention Bern is only the political capital
We have an economical capital : Zürich
a diplomatical capital : Geneva
and an anatomical capital : "Gland" (glans)
Gland, that's where I live, near lake Geneva.
Yes, Gland! I don't see what is funny!
In France, you have a village called Montcul (my ass).
Isn't it?
By the way I think we should pair Gland with Montcul.
I get lost, I get lost.
Zürich is the biggest city of Switzerland with 1,5 mio of idiots...
of inhabitants!
This is only if we take the suburbs into account
Gattikon, Dietikon, Effretikon, Oerlikon, Pfäffikon, Zollikon. (conne = stupid)
They are a lot in the region.
In the middle there is what we call the Röschtigrabe, the barrier of Röschti.
(traditional music)
We can immediately see that their music represents them.
I am joking, I am joking. I love the swiss-germans.
By the way I'm sure that you do too.
We're not going to do a war in our own country.
Well, on the other hand they should not have started
"The bourbines" are a sect trying to infiltrate french-speaking Switzerland.
Haven't you noticed? They are more and more
They come here and say we're lazy, we don't know how to work
that we only think about laughing. They are sooo "chiant" (boring).
The bourbines are chiantologists.
On Saturdays and Sundays,
we have a good time, we go out, we party.
But they spend their Sundays cleaning, mopping the floor (swiss word)
The "panosse" (mop), that's something they don't know in Paris
Over there we have to say "serpillière" (French word for mop)
(piano music of "La Bohème")
♪ I am speaking about something that French people do not know ♪
♪ We use it here and there, after the party to clean our windows ♪
♪ From the floor to the ceiling, it's this humble duster ♪
♪ which cleans the kitchen ♪
♪ this ecru piece of cloth, that seduces my neighbours ♪
♪ but is unknown to you ♪
♪ "La panosse, la panosse" ♪
♪ we can say what we want but it cleans everything ♪
♪ "La panosse, la panosse" ♪
♪ This is how we call it here ♪