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Well!

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As you can see it on this map, la Suisse, die Schweiz

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is made up of four linguistic regions but mainly two regions:

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First we have here in blue "la Suisse romande", where people speak french

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in other words normal people

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and we have "la Suisse Alémanique", primitive Switzerland

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which is mainly habited by swiss germans

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that we call "les bourbines" in order to simplify

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La Suisse romande, "the French Switzerland"

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has a border in the north with France

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and another one in the south with Italy.

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Two latin countries with an excellent influence.

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On the other hand

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German-speaking Switzerland is surrounded by Liechtenstein

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which is a kind of Monaco with a bad weather

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by Austria, "Österreich" and by Germany, "Deutschland"

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two countries with an influence but no need to tell you which one

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You might not know but Switzerland isn't a member

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of the European Union even if it's right in the middle of Europe.

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And you don't know why?

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Because each time there's a referendum the french-speaking swisses vote yes

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and "bourbines" say nein, nein!

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Pay attention, this is not german.

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"Bourbines" speak a language that nobody understands except them.

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It's called swiss-german

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It's a bit like german but they spit it.

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"Schwiizerdütsch".

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It's nice. "Schwiizerdütsch".

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In German we say "Schweizerdeutsch" 
but they say "Schwiizerdütsch".

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The need to stain everything.

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For exemple they say Kroala bear for Koala bear

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A camera becomes a kramera.

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They don't say "ka" but "kra".

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Can you imagine when they order a Coca-Cola?

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By the way they also change our cities name.

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Geneva is called Genf. Morat becomes Murten.

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Soleure is Solothurn.

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The limit is Porrentruy.
They call it Pruntrut.

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Pruntrut, seriously?

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Can you imagine the trauma that represents for a child?

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"Where do you live? I live in Pruntrut."

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Even Germans are frightened when they meet Swiss-Germans.

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One has to get up early to scare a german.

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For exemple, how are you doing in german we say

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"Wie geht es?"

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But "Bourbines" say "Wie gots".

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and when you are fine you don't answer "Gut"

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but you say "Guet".

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Wie gots? Guet. Wie gots? Guet. 
Wie gots? Guet.

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Let's try. Wie gots?

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No, not guet, gueet.

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with the mouth which falls and with a very disgusted face

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Like this yes, it means you're fine.

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Wie gots? Wie gots? Wie gots?

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You must be swiss-german. It's not possible.

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Wie gots?

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Läck bisch du blöd du fetti schnäpfe? (insults in swiss-german)

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false alarm.

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We never know. Is there a swiss-german in the room?

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We always ask if there's a doctor

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but we never think to ask if there's a sick person.

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Don't tell me there is
no swiss-german tonight

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Where? Oh over there!

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Hallo! Wie gots?

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She's a real one, she's a real one.

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What's your name?

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Cornelia

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Cornelia, this is definitively a real one.

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Tell me where do you come from?

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(Cornelia): Luzern.

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This is nice of you to made such a long trip to see me.

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But reassure me, you came in Lausanne for the show

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then you'll go back to german-speaking Switzerland
and leave french-speaking Switzerland!

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Have a nice trip!

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(Applauses)

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I get lost. Let's come back to my geography class.

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Switzerland, that we also call Helvetian Confederation

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was founded in 1291. Eh Cornelia?

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"Zwolfhundertnünününtkkht."

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Contrary to what people think

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the capital is not Geneva or Zürich but the city of Bern.

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You don't know Bern? How can I describe it to you?

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Have you ever fallen into a coma?

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It's nearly the same but in Bern

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you almost have no chance to wake up.

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Hence the expression, 
"mettre le drapeau en berne" (lower the flag)

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Pay attention Bern is only the political capital

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We have an economical capital : Zürich

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a diplomatical capital : Geneva

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and an anatomical capital : "Gland" (glans)

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Gland, that's where I live, near lake Geneva.

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Yes, Gland! I don't see what is funny!

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In France, you have a village called Montcul (my ass).

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Isn't it?

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By the way I think we should pair Gland with Montcul.

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I get lost, I get lost.

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Zürich is the biggest city of Switzerland with 1,5 mio of idiots...

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of inhabitants!

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This is only if we take the suburbs into account

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Gattikon, Dietikon, Effretikon, 
Oerlikon, Pfäffikon, Zollikon. (conne = stupid)

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They are a lot in the region.

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In the middle there is what we call the Röschtigrabe, the barrier of Röschti.

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(traditional music)

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We can immediately see that their music represents them.

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I am joking, I am joking. I love the swiss-germans.

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By the way I'm sure that you do too.

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We're not going to do a war in our own country.

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Well, on the other hand they should not have started

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"The bourbines" are a sect trying to infiltrate french-speaking Switzerland.

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Haven't you noticed? They are more and more

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They come here and say we're lazy, we don't know how to work

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that we only think about laughing. They are sooo "chiant" (boring).

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The bourbines are chiantologists.

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On Saturdays and Sundays,

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we have a good time, we go out, we party.

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But they spend their Sundays cleaning, mopping the floor (swiss word)

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The "panosse" (mop), that's something they don't know in Paris

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Over there we have to say "serpillière" (French word for mop)

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(piano music of "La Bohème")

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♪ I am speaking about something that French people do not know ♪

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♪ We use it here and there, after the party to clean our windows ♪

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♪ From the floor to the ceiling, it's this humble duster ♪

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♪ which cleans the kitchen ♪

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♪ this ecru piece of cloth, that seduces my neighbours ♪

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♪ but is unknown to you ♪

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♪ "La panosse, la panosse" ♪


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♪ we can say what we want but it cleans everything ♪

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♪ "La panosse, la panosse" ♪



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♪ This is how we call it here ♪