0:00:01.397,0:00:04.119
So our story started several years ago,

0:00:04.143,0:00:06.635
when my wife and I[br]got a complaint letter in the mail

0:00:06.659,0:00:08.698
from an anonymous neighbor.

0:00:09.485,0:00:11.131
(Laughter)

0:00:11.155,0:00:15.839
I'll never forget the way[br]my wife transformed before my eyes

0:00:15.863,0:00:19.603
from this graceful, peaceful, sweet woman

0:00:19.627,0:00:24.564
into just an angry mother grizzly bear[br]whose cubs needed to be protected.

0:00:24.588,0:00:26.175
It was intense.

0:00:26.675,0:00:28.342
So here's what happened.

0:00:28.366,0:00:29.656
This is our family.

0:00:29.680,0:00:32.566
This is my wife and I[br]and our five awesome kids.

0:00:32.590,0:00:35.854
We're pretty loud,[br]we're pretty rambunctious,

0:00:35.878,0:00:37.028
we're us.

0:00:37.657,0:00:39.876
You'll notice, though,[br]that two of our children

0:00:39.900,0:00:41.871
look a little different than Mary and I,

0:00:41.895,0:00:44.346
and that's because they came to us[br]through adoption.

0:00:44.370,0:00:47.005
Our neighbor, though,[br]saw two different-looking children

0:00:47.029,0:00:49.640
playing outside of our house every day

0:00:49.664,0:00:50.919
and came to the conclusion

0:00:50.943,0:00:54.180
that we must have been running[br]an illegal day care out of our home.

0:00:54.204,0:00:56.783
(Murmuring)

0:00:57.720,0:01:01.363
We were really angry to have[br]our children stereotyped like that,

0:01:01.387,0:01:05.767
but I know that's a relatively[br]minor example of racial profiling.

0:01:06.934,0:01:09.673
But isn't it sometimes[br]what we all tend to do

0:01:09.697,0:01:12.006
with people who think differently,

0:01:12.030,0:01:15.831
or believe differently[br]or maybe even vote differently?

0:01:16.483,0:01:19.014
Instead of engaging as true neighbors,

0:01:19.038,0:01:20.791
we keep our distance

0:01:20.815,0:01:22.387
and our actions towards those

0:01:22.411,0:01:26.077
are guided by who we think[br]sees the world as we do

0:01:26.101,0:01:27.701
or who we think doesn't.

0:01:28.872,0:01:32.785
See, what my neighbor suffered from[br]is a condition called agonism.

0:01:33.579,0:01:36.849
And sometimes we all suffer[br]from the same condition.

0:01:36.873,0:01:40.632
It's not a medical condition,[br]but it is contagious.

0:01:41.522,0:01:43.926
So let's talk a little bit[br]about what agonism is.

0:01:44.316,0:01:46.404
My favorite definition of agonism

0:01:46.428,0:01:52.187
is taking a warlike stance[br]in contexts that are not literally war.

0:01:53.125,0:01:56.021
Agonism comes from the same[br]Greek root word "agon"

0:01:56.045,0:01:57.494
from which we get "agony."

0:01:57.518,0:01:59.370
How very appropriate.

0:02:01.649,0:02:03.744
We all tend to show symptoms of agonism

0:02:03.768,0:02:06.321
when we hold on[br]to two deeply held beliefs,

0:02:06.345,0:02:09.541
first identified by author Rick Warren.

0:02:10.053,0:02:13.832
The first one is that if love someone,

0:02:13.856,0:02:16.887
we must agree with all they do or believe.

0:02:18.221,0:02:19.698
And the second is the inverse,

0:02:19.722,0:02:21.316
that if we disagree with someone,

0:02:21.340,0:02:24.525
it must mean that we fear or we hate them.

0:02:25.811,0:02:29.685
Not sure we really recognize the agony[br]this way of thinking brings to us,

0:02:29.709,0:02:32.089
when our relationships die

0:02:32.113,0:02:35.109
because we think[br]we have to agree or disagree

0:02:35.133,0:02:36.878
no matter what.

0:02:37.807,0:02:41.403
Think about the conversations[br]we've had around Brexit,

0:02:41.427,0:02:43.126
or Hong Kong,

0:02:43.150,0:02:46.435
maybe Israeli settlements[br]or perhaps impeachment.

0:02:47.649,0:02:50.763
I bet we could all think[br]of at least one personal relationship

0:02:50.787,0:02:55.514
that's been strained or maybe even ended[br]because of these topics,

0:02:55.538,0:02:56.887
or tragically,

0:02:56.911,0:03:00.109
over a topic much more trivial than those.

0:03:01.276,0:03:03.895
The cure for agonism is not out of reach.

0:03:03.919,0:03:05.783
The question is how.

0:03:06.704,0:03:08.664
So might I suggest two strategies

0:03:08.688,0:03:11.307
that my experience[br]has taught me to start with.

0:03:12.141,0:03:16.410
First, cultivate common ground,

0:03:16.434,0:03:18.967
which means focusing on what we share.

0:03:19.862,0:03:23.149
I want you to know I'm using my words[br]very, very deliberately.

0:03:23.173,0:03:26.377
By "cultivate," I mean[br]we have to intentionally work

0:03:26.401,0:03:28.734
to find common ground with someone.

0:03:29.218,0:03:32.035
Just like a farmer works[br]to cultivate the soil.

0:03:32.687,0:03:35.252
And common ground is a common term,

0:03:35.276,0:03:37.379
so let me at least explain[br]what I don't mean,

0:03:37.403,0:03:40.847
which is I don't mean by common ground[br]that we were exact,

0:03:40.871,0:03:43.037
or that we totally agree and approve.

0:03:43.061,0:03:46.371
All I mean is that we find[br]one unifying thing

0:03:46.395,0:03:51.307
that we can have in a relationship[br]in common with another person.

0:03:52.456,0:03:55.098
You know, sometimes[br]that one thing is hard to find.

0:03:55.122,0:03:56.956
So I'd like to share a personal story,

0:03:56.980,0:03:58.138
but before I do,

0:03:58.162,0:04:00.400
let me tell you a little bit[br]more about myself.

0:04:00.424,0:04:01.617
I'm Caucasian,

0:04:01.641,0:04:04.599
cisgender male,

0:04:04.623,0:04:07.196
middle class, evangelical Christian.

0:04:08.276,0:04:11.276
And I know, as soon as some[br]of those words came out of my mouth,

0:04:11.300,0:04:13.395
some of you had some perceptions about me.

0:04:13.419,0:04:14.617
And it's OK,

0:04:14.641,0:04:17.402
I know that not all[br]those perceptions are positive.

0:04:18.411,0:04:20.791
But for those who share my faith,

0:04:20.815,0:04:23.712
know that I'm about[br]to cut across the grain.

0:04:23.736,0:04:25.869
And you may tune me out as well.

0:04:26.315,0:04:27.466
So as we go,

0:04:27.490,0:04:29.531
if you're having a hard time hearing me,

0:04:29.555,0:04:32.156
I just gently ask that you reflect

0:04:32.180,0:04:34.823
and see if you're buying into agonism.

0:04:34.847,0:04:36.045
If you're rejecting me

0:04:36.069,0:04:39.863
simply because you think[br]you see the world differently than I do,

0:04:39.887,0:04:42.196
because isn't that[br]what we're here talking about?

0:04:42.740,0:04:43.890
Alright, ready?

0:04:44.398,0:04:48.089
So I've been thinking a lot[br]about how to find common ground

0:04:48.113,0:04:50.676
in the area of gender fluidity,

0:04:50.700,0:04:52.567
as an evangelical Christian.

0:04:53.427,0:04:55.371
For Christians like me,

0:04:55.395,0:04:59.323
we believe that God[br]created us man and woman.

0:04:59.553,0:05:00.704
So what do I do?

0:05:00.728,0:05:02.243
Do I throw up my hands and say,

0:05:02.267,0:05:05.094
"I can't have a relationship[br]with anybody who is transgender

0:05:05.118,0:05:08.005
or LGBTQIA?"

0:05:08.029,0:05:09.180
No.

0:05:09.204,0:05:11.471
That would be giving into agonism.

0:05:12.164,0:05:15.228
So I started looking[br]at the foundational aspects of my faith,

0:05:15.252,0:05:16.965
the first of which

0:05:16.989,0:05:21.021
is that of the three billion genes[br]that make us human --

0:05:21.045,0:05:25.966
and by the way, we share[br]99.9 percent of those genes --

0:05:25.990,0:05:29.926
that I believe those three billion genes[br]are the result of an intelligent designer.

0:05:29.950,0:05:33.672
And that immediately gives me[br]common ground with anybody.

0:05:33.696,0:05:35.231
What it also gives me ...

0:05:37.454,0:05:40.326
is the belief that each[br]and every one of us

0:05:40.350,0:05:43.398
have been given the right to life

0:05:43.422,0:05:46.318
by that same intelligent designer.

0:05:50.514,0:05:51.847
I dug deeper though.

0:05:52.752,0:05:54.736
I found that my faith didn't teach me

0:05:54.760,0:05:57.054
to start relationships[br]by arguing with somebody

0:05:57.078,0:05:59.624
until they believed what I believed,

0:05:59.648,0:06:00.879
or I convinced them.

0:06:00.903,0:06:03.073
No, it taught me to start relationships

0:06:03.097,0:06:07.029
by loving them as a coequal member[br]of the human race.

0:06:09.357,0:06:10.508
Honestly though,

0:06:10.532,0:06:12.944
some who share my faith draw a line

0:06:12.968,0:06:16.809
and refuse to address somebody[br]by their preferred gender pronoun.

0:06:17.112,0:06:20.561
But isn't that believing the lie[br]that in order for me to honor you,

0:06:20.585,0:06:22.785
I have to give up what I believe?

0:06:25.616,0:06:26.958
Come back in time with me --

0:06:26.982,0:06:28.323
let's say it's 20 years ago,

0:06:28.347,0:06:31.030
and Muhammad Ali comes to your doorstep.

0:06:31.054,0:06:32.454
And you open the door.

0:06:33.078,0:06:35.633
Would you address him as Muhammad Ali

0:06:35.657,0:06:37.924
or his former name of Cassius Clay?

0:06:39.013,0:06:42.347
I'm guessing that most of you[br]would say Muhammad Ali.

0:06:42.371,0:06:44.799
And I'm also guessing that most of you

0:06:44.823,0:06:48.521
wouldn't think we'd have to[br]immediately convert to Islam,

0:06:48.545,0:06:50.079
just by using his name.

0:06:51.569,0:06:55.093
To honor him would cost me,[br]would cost any of us

0:06:55.117,0:06:56.624
absolutely nothing,

0:06:56.648,0:07:00.815
and it would give us the common ground[br]to have a relationship.

0:07:01.863,0:07:04.814
And it's the relationship[br]that cures agonism,

0:07:04.838,0:07:07.196
not giving up what we believe.

0:07:09.045,0:07:11.728
So for me to honor my faith,

0:07:11.752,0:07:14.997
it means rejecting[br]these rigid symptoms of agonism.

0:07:15.021,0:07:17.894
Meaning, I can and I will love you.

0:07:17.918,0:07:19.910
I can and I will accept you,

0:07:19.934,0:07:23.243
and I don't have to buy into the lie

0:07:23.267,0:07:26.029
that if I do these things,[br]I have to give up what I believe

0:07:26.053,0:07:28.148
or chose to fear and hate you.

0:07:28.617,0:07:31.632
Because I'm focusing[br]on what we have in common.

0:07:35.045,0:07:39.497
When you can find even the smallest bit[br]of common ground with somebody,

0:07:39.521,0:07:44.765
it allows you to understand[br]just the beautiful wonder

0:07:44.789,0:07:46.023
and complexity

0:07:47.415,0:07:49.773
and majesty of the other person.

0:07:53.583,0:07:55.579
Our second strategy

0:07:55.603,0:07:57.855
gives us room to (Inhales)

0:07:57.879,0:07:59.029
breathe.

0:07:59.672,0:08:00.822
To pause.

0:08:01.299,0:08:02.751
To calm down.

0:08:03.474,0:08:07.465
To have the kind of relationships[br]that cure agonism.

0:08:08.188,0:08:10.988
And how to keep those relationships alive.

0:08:12.815,0:08:18.238
Our second strategy is to exchange[br]extravagant grace.

0:08:18.262,0:08:19.412
(Laughs)

0:08:20.101,0:08:21.816
Once again, I'm not mincing words --

0:08:21.840,0:08:24.635
by grace, I don't mean[br]we should all go sign up for ballet,

0:08:24.659,0:08:25.899
that would be weird.

0:08:25.923,0:08:27.204
(Laughter)

0:08:27.228,0:08:31.561
What I mean is not canceling[br]everything over one mistake.

0:08:32.003,0:08:34.446
Even if that mistake[br]personally offended you.

0:08:35.012,0:08:36.212
Maybe even deeply.

0:08:37.703,0:08:42.910
Perhaps Holocaust survivor[br]Corrie ten Boom put it best

0:08:42.934,0:08:44.489
when she said,

0:08:44.513,0:08:48.593
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free,

0:08:48.617,0:08:50.698
only to realize that prisoner was me."

0:08:54.009,0:08:57.556
My faith teaches me that we humans[br]will never be perfect,

0:08:57.580,0:08:59.313
myself very much included.

0:08:59.839,0:09:02.434
So we need the grace of a savior,

0:09:02.458,0:09:04.330
who for me is Jesus.

0:09:05.275,0:09:07.815
And while I define grace[br]in the context of my faith,

0:09:07.839,0:09:12.013
I know there's a lot of other people[br]who have defined it differently

0:09:12.037,0:09:13.299
and in different ways.

0:09:13.323,0:09:16.923
One of my favorites is radio broadcaster[br]Oswald Hoffmann, who said,

0:09:16.947,0:09:20.500
"Grace is the love that loves the unlovely

0:09:20.524,0:09:22.587
and the unlovable."

0:09:23.064,0:09:25.597
And I just love that picture of grace.

0:09:26.361,0:09:27.551
Because I know I am,

0:09:27.575,0:09:29.607
and maybe a lot of you can think of a time

0:09:29.631,0:09:32.440
when we're just pretty dadgum unlovable.

0:09:37.021,0:09:40.450
So it would be the height of hypocrisy,

0:09:40.474,0:09:43.751
dare I say repulsive to my faith,

0:09:43.775,0:09:45.545
for me to accept

0:09:45.569,0:09:49.958
the unconditional, unqualified[br]grace and love from God

0:09:49.982,0:09:51.854
and then turn around

0:09:51.878,0:09:55.759
and put one precondition[br]on the love I give you.

0:09:57.013,0:09:59.546
What in the world would I be thinking?

0:10:04.886,0:10:08.101
And by extravagant, I mean over the top,

0:10:08.125,0:10:09.838
not just checking a box.

0:10:10.601,0:10:12.402
We can all remember when we were kids

0:10:12.426,0:10:14.796
and our parents forced us[br]to apologize to somebody

0:10:14.820,0:10:17.549
and we walked up to them[br]and said, (Angrily) "I'm sorry."

0:10:17.573,0:10:19.235
We just got it over with, right?

0:10:19.259,0:10:20.995
That's not what we're talking about.

0:10:21.019,0:10:23.878
What we're talking about[br]is not having to give someone grace

0:10:23.902,0:10:26.243
but choosing to and wanting to.

0:10:26.267,0:10:29.592
That's how we exchange extravagant grace.

0:10:31.585,0:10:34.712
Listen, I know this can sound[br]really, really theoretical.

0:10:34.736,0:10:37.521
So I'd like to tell you[br]about a hero of mine.

0:10:37.847,0:10:39.576
A hero of grace.

0:10:40.347,0:10:42.235
It's 2014.

0:10:42.918,0:10:44.068
In Iran.

0:10:44.696,0:10:48.600
And the mother of a murdered son[br]is in a public square.

0:10:51.281,0:10:54.844
The man who murdered her son[br]is also in that square,

0:10:54.868,0:10:56.614
by a gallows,

0:10:57.313,0:10:59.606
on a chair of some kind,

0:10:59.630,0:11:01.982
a noose around his neck

0:11:02.006,0:11:04.243
and a blindfold over his eyes.

0:11:05.736,0:11:07.207
Samereh Alinejad

0:11:07.231,0:11:11.244
had been given the sole right[br]under the laws of her country

0:11:11.268,0:11:14.133
to either pardon this man

0:11:14.157,0:11:16.323
or initiate his execution.

0:11:17.188,0:11:19.648
Put another way, she could pardon him

0:11:19.672,0:11:23.216
or literally push that chair[br]out from underneath his feet.

0:11:25.521,0:11:26.671
(Exhales)

0:11:27.926,0:11:29.076
I just ...

0:11:29.633,0:11:33.562
I can't picture the agony[br]going through both Samereh and this man

0:11:33.586,0:11:34.744
at the time.

0:11:34.768,0:11:36.418
Samereh with her choice to make,

0:11:36.442,0:11:40.069
and this man, in the account[br]that I read, was just weeping,

0:11:40.093,0:11:42.489
just begging for forgiveness.

0:11:43.696,0:11:45.296
And Samereh had a choice.

0:11:45.759,0:11:48.616
And she chose in that moment[br]to walk up to this man

0:11:48.640,0:11:51.794
and to slap him right across the face.

0:11:51.818,0:11:54.603
And that signaled her pardon.

0:11:56.707,0:11:57.857
It gets better.

0:11:58.551,0:12:01.738
Right afterwards, somebody asked her,

0:12:01.762,0:12:04.269
they interviewed her,[br]and she was quoted as saying,

0:12:04.293,0:12:08.070
"I felt as if rage vanished[br]from within my heart

0:12:08.094,0:12:11.852
and the blood in my veins[br]began to flow again."

0:12:12.173,0:12:13.640
Isn't that incredible?

0:12:14.021,0:12:17.916
I mean, what a picture of grace,[br]what a hero of grace.

0:12:17.940,0:12:20.193
And there's a lesson in there[br]for all of us.

0:12:20.217,0:12:21.948
That as theologian John Piper said,

0:12:21.972,0:12:26.864
"Grace is power, not just pardon."

0:12:27.974,0:12:30.228
And if you think about it,

0:12:30.252,0:12:33.580
grace is the gift we give[br]someone else in a relationship

0:12:33.604,0:12:38.093
that says our relationship[br]is way more important

0:12:38.117,0:12:39.902
than the things that separate us.

0:12:41.672,0:12:44.172
And if you really think[br]about it some more,

0:12:44.196,0:12:49.450
we all have the power to execute[br]in our relationships,

0:12:49.474,0:12:50.624
or to pardon.

0:12:55.109,0:12:58.389
We never did find out[br]the identity of our anonymous neighbor.

0:12:59.086,0:13:00.236
(Laughter)

0:13:00.690,0:13:03.627
But if we did, I'd hope we'd simply say,

0:13:03.651,0:13:05.051
"Can we have coffee?"

0:13:06.222,0:13:08.806
And maybe there's somebody[br]you need to have coffee with

0:13:08.830,0:13:11.297
and find your common ground with them.

0:13:11.909,0:13:14.829
Or maybe there's somebody[br]you're in a relationship with

0:13:14.853,0:13:17.787
and you need to exchange[br]extravagant grace.

0:13:18.569,0:13:19.719
Maybe go first.

0:13:21.323,0:13:23.314
These two strategies have taught me

0:13:23.338,0:13:26.574
how to exchange extravagant grace[br]in my relationships

0:13:26.598,0:13:30.859
and to enjoy the beautiful design[br]of my neighbors.

0:13:32.169,0:13:36.526
I want to continue to choose[br]relationships over agonism.

0:13:37.476,0:13:39.276
Will you choose to join me?

0:13:40.174,0:13:41.333
Thank you.

0:13:41.357,0:13:46.864
(Applause)