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When my 91-year-old mother, Elia,
moved in with me,

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I thought I was doing her a service.

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In fact, it was the other way around.

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You see, Mom was having issues
with memory loss and accepting her age.

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She looked defeated.

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I tried to make her
as comfortable as possible,

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but when I was at my easel, painting,

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I would peek over
and see her just ... there.

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She'd be staring at nothing in particular.

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I'd watch her slowly climb the stairs,

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and she wasn't the Mom I grew up with.

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I saw, instead, a frail,

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tiny, old woman.

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A few weeks went by,
and I needed a break from my painting.

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I wanted to play with the new camera
I had just bought.

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I was excited --
it had all sorts of dials,

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buttons and settings I wanted to learn,

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so I set up my tripod
facing this large mirror,

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blocking the doorway
to the only bathroom in the house.

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(Laughter)

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After a while, I hear,

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(Imitating Italian accent)
"I need to use the washroom."

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(Laughter)

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"Five minutes, Mom. I need to do this."

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15 minutes later, and I hear, again,

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"I need to use the washroom."

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"Five more minutes."

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Then this happened.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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And this.

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(Laughter)

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And then, this.

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(Laughter)

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I had my "aha!" moment.

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We connected.

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We had something tangible
we could do together.

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My Mom was born in a small
mountain village in central Italy,

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where her parents had land and sheep.

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At a young age,
her father died of pneumonia,

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leaving his wife and two daughters alone
with all the heavy chores.

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They found that they couldn't cope.

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So a very hard decision was made.

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Mom, the oldest, at 13,

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was married off to a complete
stranger twice her age.

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She went from being just a kid
and was pushed into adulthood.

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Mom had her first child
when she was only 16.

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Years later, and now living in Toronto,

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Mom got work in a clothing factory

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and soon became manager
of a very large sewing department.

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And because it was full
of immigrant workers,

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Mom taught herself words
from translation books.

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She then practiced them in French,
Greek, Spanish, Portuguese, Danish,

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Polish, Russian, Romanian, Hungarian,
all around the house.

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I was in awe of her focus
and determination to succeed

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at whatever she loved to do.

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After that bathroom "aha!" moment,

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I practiced my newfound camera skills
with Mom as portrait model.

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Through all of this,
she talked, and I listened.

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She'd tell me about her early childhood
and how she was feeling now.

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We had each other's attention.

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Mom was losing her short-term memory,

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but was better recalling
her younger years.

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I'd ask, and she would tell me stories.

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I listened, and I was her audience.

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I got ideas.

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I wrote them down,
and I sketched them out.

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I showed her what to do
by acting out the scenarios myself.

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We would then stage them.

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So she posed, and I learned
more about photography.

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Mom loved the process, the acting.

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She felt worthy again,
she felt wanted and needed.

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And she certainly wasn't camera-shy.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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Mom laughed hysterically at this one.

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(Laughter)

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The idea for this image
came from an old German film I'd seen,

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about a submarine, called "Das Boot."

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As you can see, what I got instead
looked more like "E.T."

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(Laughter)

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So I put this image aside,
thinking it was a total failure,

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because it didn't reach
my particular vision.

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But Mom laughed so hard,

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I eventually, for fun,
decided to post it online anyway.

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It got an incredible amount of attention.

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Now, with any Alzheimer's, dementia,

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there's a certain amount
of frustration and sadness

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for everyone involved.

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This is Mom's silent scream.

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Her words to me one day were,

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"Why is my head so full of things to say,

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but before they reach my mouth,
I forget what they are?"

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"Why is my head so full of things to say,

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but before they reach my mouth,
I forget what they are?"

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(Applause)

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Now, as full-time care partner
and full-time painter,

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I had my frustrations too.

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(Laughter)

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But to balance off
all the difficulties, we played.

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That was Mom's happy place.

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And I needed her to be there, too.

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(Laughter)

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(Laughter)

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(Laughter)

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Now, Mom was also preoccupied with aging.

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She would say,
"How did I get so old, so fast?"

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(Audience sighs)

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"So old."

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"So fast."

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I also got Mom to model
for my oil paintings.

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This painting is called "The Dressmaker."

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I remember, as a kid,

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Mom sewing clothes for the whole family

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on this massive, heavy sewing machine

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that was bolted
to the floor in the basement.

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Many nights, I would go downstairs
and bring my schoolwork with me.

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I would sit behind her
in this overstuffed chair.

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The low hum of the huge motor
and the repetitive stitching sounds

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were comforting to me.

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When Mom moved into my house,

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I saved this machine and stored it
in my studio for safekeeping.

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This painting brought me
back to my childhood.

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The interesting part

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was that it was now Mom,
sitting behind me,

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watching me paint her

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working on that very same
machine she sewed at

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when I sat behind her, watching her sew,

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50 years earlier.

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I also gave Mom a project to do,
to keep her busy and thinking.

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I provided her with a small camera

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and asked her to take at least
10 pictures a day of anything she wanted.

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These are Mom's photographs.

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She's never held a camera
in her life before this.

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She was 93.

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We would sit down together
and talk about our work.

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I would try to explain

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(Laughter)

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how and why I did them,

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the meaning, the feeling,
why they were relevant.

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Mom, on the other hand,
would just bluntly say,

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"sì,"

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"no,"

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"bella" or "bruta."

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(Laughter)

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I watched her facial expressions.

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She always had the last say,
with words or without.

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This voyage of discovery
hasn't ended with Mom.

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She is now in an assisted
living residence,

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a 10-minute walk away from my home.

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I visit her every other day.

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Her dementia had gotten to the point

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where it was unsafe for her
to be in my house.

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It has a lot of stairs.

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She doesn't know my name anymore.

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(Voice breaking)
But you know what? That's OK.

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She still recognizes my face

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and always has a big smile
when she sees me.

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(Applause)

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(Applause ends)

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I don't take pictures of her anymore.

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That wouldn't be fair
or ethical on my part.

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And she wouldn't understand
the reasons for doing them.

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My father,

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my brother,

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(Voice breaking) my nephew,

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my partner and my best friend,

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all passed away suddenly.

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And I didn't have the chance

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to tell them how much
I appreciated and loved them.

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With Mom, I need to be there

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and make it a very long goodbye.

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(Applause)

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(Applause ends)

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For me, it's about being present
and really listening.

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Dependents want to feel
a part of something, anything.

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It doesn't need to be something
exceptionally profound that's shared --

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it could be as simple as walks together.

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Give them a voice

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of interaction, participation,

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and a feeling of belonging.

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Make the time meaningful.

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Life, it's about wanting to live

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and not waiting to die.

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(Applause)

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(Applause ends)

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Can I get a wave and a smile
from everyone, please?

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(Laughter)

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This is for you, Mom.

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(Camera clicks)

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(Applause)