0:00:01.254,0:00:05.206
When my 91-year-old mother, Elia,[br]moved in with me,

0:00:05.230,0:00:07.630
I thought I was doing her a service.

0:00:08.460,0:00:11.071
In fact, it was the other way around.

0:00:11.914,0:00:16.084
You see, Mom was having issues[br]with memory loss and accepting her age.

0:00:17.128,0:00:19.016
She looked defeated.

0:00:19.914,0:00:23.329
I tried to make her[br]as comfortable as possible,

0:00:23.353,0:00:25.749
but when I was at my easel, painting,

0:00:25.773,0:00:29.368
I would peek over[br]and see her just ... there.

0:00:29.836,0:00:32.857
She'd be staring at nothing in particular.

0:00:33.633,0:00:37.387
I'd watch her slowly climb the stairs,

0:00:37.411,0:00:39.662
and she wasn't the mom I grew up with.

0:00:40.053,0:00:43.418
I saw, instead, a frail,

0:00:43.442,0:00:47.109
tiny, old woman.

0:00:49.339,0:00:52.875
A few weeks went by,[br]and I needed a break from my painting.

0:00:52.899,0:00:55.557
I wanted to play with the new camera[br]I had just bought.

0:00:55.581,0:00:58.970
I was excited --[br]it had all sorts of dials,

0:00:58.994,0:01:01.319
buttons and settings I wanted to learn,

0:01:01.343,0:01:06.029
so I set up my tripod[br]facing this large mirror,

0:01:06.053,0:01:11.419
blocking the doorway[br]to the only bathroom in the house.

0:01:11.443,0:01:12.593
(Laughter)

0:01:13.244,0:01:15.815
After a while, I hear,

0:01:17.094,0:01:19.736
(Imitating Italian accent)[br]"I need to use the washroom."

0:01:19.760,0:01:20.761
(Laughter)

0:01:20.785,0:01:23.793
"Five minutes, Mom. I need to do this."

0:01:24.379,0:01:29.101
15 minutes later, and I hear, again,

0:01:30.205,0:01:32.797
"I need to use the washroom."

0:01:33.157,0:01:35.046
"Five more minutes."

0:01:35.913,0:01:37.180
Then this happened.

0:01:41.323,0:01:45.288
(Laughter)

0:01:45.312,0:01:52.255
(Applause)

0:01:53.072,0:01:54.786
And this.

0:01:57.136,0:02:02.585
(Laughter)

0:02:02.609,0:02:05.299
And then, this.

0:02:07.383,0:02:13.783
(Laughter)

0:02:13.807,0:02:16.848
I had my "aha!" moment.

0:02:17.198,0:02:18.348
We connected.

0:02:18.729,0:02:21.983
We had something tangible[br]we could do together.

0:02:24.991,0:02:29.325
My mom was born in a small[br]mountain village in central Italy,

0:02:29.349,0:02:31.815
where her parents had land and sheep.

0:02:32.658,0:02:35.537
At a young age,[br]her father died of pneumonia,

0:02:35.561,0:02:39.789
leaving his wife and two daughters alone[br]with all the heavy chores.

0:02:41.260,0:02:43.696
They found that they couldn't cope.

0:02:44.363,0:02:46.878
So a very hard decision was made.

0:02:47.490,0:02:50.950
Mom, the oldest, at 13,

0:02:50.974,0:02:55.895
was married off to a complete[br]stranger twice her age.

0:02:56.927,0:03:01.458
She went from being just a kid[br]and was pushed into adulthood.

0:03:02.621,0:03:06.518
Mom had her first child[br]when she was only 16.

0:03:08.726,0:03:11.720
Years later, and now living in Toronto,

0:03:11.744,0:03:14.030
Mom got work in a clothing factory

0:03:14.054,0:03:18.815
and soon became manager[br]of a very large sewing department.

0:03:19.839,0:03:22.363
And because it was full[br]of immigrant workers,

0:03:22.387,0:03:26.395
Mom taught herself words[br]from translation books.

0:03:26.419,0:03:30.768
She then practiced them in French,[br]Greek, Spanish, Portuguese, Danish,

0:03:30.792,0:03:34.982
Polish, Russian, Romanian, Hungarian,[br]all around the house.

0:03:35.695,0:03:41.425
I was in awe of her focus[br]and determination to succeed

0:03:41.449,0:03:44.183
at whatever she loved to do.

0:03:44.863,0:03:47.529
After that bathroom "aha!" moment,

0:03:47.553,0:03:52.066
I practiced my newfound camera skills[br]with Mom as portrait model.

0:03:53.053,0:03:56.504
Through all of this,[br]she talked, and I listened.

0:03:56.895,0:04:01.177
She'd tell me about her early childhood[br]and how she was feeling now.

0:04:01.952,0:04:03.952
We had each other's attention.

0:04:05.404,0:04:07.396
Mom was losing her short-term memory,

0:04:07.420,0:04:10.353
but was better recalling[br]her younger years.

0:04:11.023,0:04:13.521
I'd ask, and she would tell me stories.

0:04:13.884,0:04:16.995
I listened, and I was her audience.

0:04:17.932,0:04:19.353
I got ideas.

0:04:19.377,0:04:22.433
I wrote them down,[br]and I sketched them out.

0:04:22.926,0:04:26.736
I showed her what to do[br]by acting out the scenarios myself.

0:04:28.038,0:04:29.672
We would then stage them.

0:04:30.434,0:04:35.173
So she posed, and I learned[br]more about photography.

0:04:36.585,0:04:41.156
Mom loved the process, the acting.

0:04:41.180,0:04:45.347
She felt worthy again,[br]she felt wanted and needed.

0:04:46.419,0:04:48.744
And she certainly wasn't camera-shy.

0:04:48.768,0:04:52.540
(Laughter)

0:04:52.564,0:04:59.510
(Applause)

0:05:00.748,0:05:03.717
Mom laughed hysterically at this one.

0:05:04.236,0:05:07.069
(Laughter)

0:05:07.093,0:05:11.547
The idea for this image[br]came from an old German film I'd seen,

0:05:11.571,0:05:13.971
about a submarine, called "Das Boot."

0:05:14.483,0:05:18.244
As you can see, what I got instead[br]looked more like "E.T."

0:05:18.268,0:05:20.149
(Laughter)

0:05:20.173,0:05:23.839
So I put this image aside,[br]thinking it was a total failure,

0:05:23.863,0:05:26.728
because it didn't reach[br]my particular vision.

0:05:26.752,0:05:29.140
But Mom laughed so hard,

0:05:29.164,0:05:34.105
I eventually, for fun,[br]decided to post it online anyway.

0:05:35.129,0:05:39.065
It got an incredible amount of attention.

0:05:39.875,0:05:44.022
Now, with any Alzheimer's, dementia,

0:05:44.046,0:05:47.799
there's a certain amount[br]of frustration and sadness

0:05:47.823,0:05:49.290
for everyone involved.

0:05:50.434,0:05:53.196
This is Mom's silent scream.

0:05:54.530,0:05:56.712
Her words to me one day were,

0:05:56.736,0:06:00.950
"Why is my head so full of things to say,

0:06:00.974,0:06:05.513
but before they reach my mouth,[br]I forget what they are?"

0:06:08.239,0:06:13.802
"Why is my head so full of things to say,

0:06:15.946,0:06:20.119
but before they reach my mouth,[br]I forget what they are?"

0:06:21.968,0:06:28.833
(Applause)

0:06:32.564,0:06:37.818
Now, as full-time care partner[br]and full-time painter,

0:06:37.842,0:06:40.000
I had my frustrations too.

0:06:41.009,0:06:42.969
(Laughter)

0:06:43.588,0:06:46.842
But to balance off[br]all the difficulties, we played.

0:06:46.866,0:06:48.802
That was Mom's happy place.

0:06:49.160,0:06:51.426
And I needed her to be there, too.

0:06:53.909,0:06:55.607
(Laughter)

0:06:58.110,0:07:02.585
(Laughter)

0:07:03.093,0:07:07.172
(Laughter)

0:07:07.196,0:07:10.426
Now, Mom was also preoccupied with aging.

0:07:10.450,0:07:15.402
She would say,[br]"How did I get so old, so fast?"

0:07:17.770,0:07:19.690
(Audience sighs)

0:07:29.996,0:07:31.146
"So old."

0:07:36.795,0:07:37.945
"So fast."

0:07:41.292,0:07:44.902
I also got Mom to model[br]for my oil paintings.

0:07:45.942,0:07:48.742
This painting is called "The Dressmaker."

0:07:50.101,0:07:53.085
I remember, as a kid,

0:07:53.109,0:07:55.823
Mom sewing clothes for the whole family

0:07:55.847,0:07:59.364
on this massive, heavy sewing machine

0:07:59.388,0:08:02.161
that was bolted[br]to the floor in the basement.

0:08:03.173,0:08:07.591
Many nights, I would go downstairs[br]and bring my schoolwork with me.

0:08:08.808,0:08:12.560
I would sit behind her[br]in this overstuffed chair.

0:08:13.935,0:08:18.760
The low hum of the huge motor[br]and the repetitive stitching sounds

0:08:18.784,0:08:20.250
were comforting to me.

0:08:21.612,0:08:23.445
When Mom moved into my house,

0:08:23.469,0:08:27.405
I saved this machine and stored it[br]in my studio for safekeeping.

0:08:28.220,0:08:31.353
This painting brought me[br]back to my childhood.

0:08:32.284,0:08:34.099
The interesting part

0:08:34.123,0:08:38.026
was that it was now Mom,[br]sitting behind me,

0:08:39.181,0:08:41.427
watching me paint her

0:08:41.451,0:08:44.078
working on that very same[br]machine she sewed at

0:08:45.276,0:08:49.522
when I sat behind her, watching her sew,

0:08:49.546,0:08:51.886
50 years earlier.

0:08:55.466,0:08:59.807
I also gave Mom a project to do,[br]to keep her busy and thinking.

0:08:59.831,0:09:01.998
I provided her with a small camera

0:09:02.022,0:09:05.973
and asked her to take at least[br]10 pictures a day of anything she wanted.

0:09:06.545,0:09:08.412
These are Mom's photographs.

0:09:09.411,0:09:12.877
She's never held a camera[br]in her life before this.

0:09:13.625,0:09:15.156
She was 93.

0:09:41.386,0:09:44.481
We would sit down together[br]and talk about our work.

0:09:45.187,0:09:46.862
I would try to explain

0:09:46.886,0:09:48.044
(Laughter)

0:09:48.068,0:09:50.990
how and why I did them,

0:09:51.014,0:09:54.164
the meaning, the feeling,[br]why they were relevant.

0:09:55.490,0:09:58.855
Mom, on the other hand,[br]would just bluntly say,

0:09:58.879,0:10:00.053
"sì,"

0:10:00.077,0:10:01.561
"no,"

0:10:01.585,0:10:03.720
"bella" or "bruta."

0:10:03.744,0:10:05.323
(Laughter)

0:10:05.347,0:10:07.547
I watched her facial expressions.

0:10:09.681,0:10:14.554
She always had the last say,[br]with words or without.

0:10:16.641,0:10:20.407
This voyage of discovery[br]hasn't ended with Mom.

0:10:21.705,0:10:25.181
She is now in an assisted[br]living residence,

0:10:25.205,0:10:27.539
a 10-minute walk away from my home.

0:10:29.038,0:10:30.905
I visit her every other day.

0:10:33.651,0:10:35.405
Her dementia had gotten to the point

0:10:35.429,0:10:37.780
where it was unsafe for her[br]to be in my house.

0:10:38.667,0:10:40.267
It has a lot of stairs.

0:10:42.546,0:10:44.746
She doesn't know my name anymore.

0:10:46.760,0:10:48.993
(Voice breaking)[br]But you know what? That's OK.

0:10:50.783,0:10:53.314
She still recognizes my face

0:10:53.338,0:10:57.187
and always has a big smile[br]when she sees me.

0:10:58.813,0:11:05.574
(Applause)

0:11:11.219,0:11:12.369
(Applause ends)

0:11:13.077,0:11:15.544
I don't take pictures of her anymore.

0:11:16.292,0:11:19.077
That wouldn't be fair[br]or ethical on my part.

0:11:20.490,0:11:23.457
And she wouldn't understand[br]the reasons for doing them.

0:11:24.394,0:11:25.544
My father,

0:11:26.395,0:11:27.545
my brother,

0:11:28.253,0:11:29.625
(Voice breaking) my nephew,

0:11:34.893,0:11:37.354
my partner and my best friend,

0:11:37.378,0:11:39.242
all passed away suddenly.

0:11:39.980,0:11:41.998
And I didn't have the chance

0:11:42.022,0:11:45.485
to tell them how much[br]I appreciated and loved them.

0:11:46.807,0:11:50.740
With Mom, I need to be there

0:11:50.764,0:11:54.422
and make it a very long goodbye.

0:11:57.066,0:12:03.500
(Applause)

0:12:08.811,0:12:09.961
(Applause ends)

0:12:10.684,0:12:14.783
For me, it's about being present[br]and really listening.

0:12:15.382,0:12:18.549
Dependents want to feel[br]a part of something, anything.

0:12:18.573,0:12:22.065
It doesn't need to be something[br]exceptionally profound that's shared --

0:12:23.041,0:12:25.302
it could be as simple as walks together.

0:12:26.635,0:12:28.658
Give them a voice

0:12:29.262,0:12:32.558
of interaction, participation,

0:12:32.582,0:12:35.126
and a feeling of belonging.

0:12:36.363,0:12:39.085
Make the time meaningful.

0:12:40.688,0:12:44.117
Life, it's about wanting to live

0:12:44.141,0:12:46.648
and not waiting to die.

0:12:49.787,0:12:56.751
(Applause)

0:12:59.339,0:13:00.489
(Applause ends)

0:13:02.776,0:13:06.641
Can I get a wave and a smile[br]from everyone, please?

0:13:06.665,0:13:08.164
(Laughter)

0:13:08.188,0:13:09.588
This is for you, Mom.

0:13:11.554,0:13:12.704
(Camera clicks)

0:13:13.571,0:13:19.253
(Applause)