0:00:00.000,0:00:02.440 Hi, class. This is William. 0:00:02.440,0:00:04.080 In this video, I want to 0:00:04.080,0:00:05.920 talk about listening[br]with our eyes. 0:00:05.920,0:00:08.500 In other words,[br]reading body language. 0:00:08.500,0:00:10.680 Now, you've probably[br]seen a lot of 0:00:10.680,0:00:12.980 websites and books[br]that tell you, 0:00:12.980,0:00:15.920 here are 14 signs that[br]he's lying to you. 0:00:15.920,0:00:18.495 Sometimes these websites[br]can actually be 0:00:18.495,0:00:20.920 dangerous because they imply 0:00:20.920,0:00:23.000 that a single individual cue, 0:00:23.000,0:00:25.360 such as scratching the nose or 0:00:25.360,0:00:28.745 looking to the right,[br]indicates deception. 0:00:28.745,0:00:32.070 It leaves out important[br]core concepts 0:00:32.070,0:00:34.030 to reading body language. 0:00:34.030,0:00:36.740 Now, there are two[br]in particular. 0:00:36.740,0:00:39.190 Two very important[br]concepts to always 0:00:39.190,0:00:40.810 consider anytime you're trying 0:00:40.810,0:00:43.190 to read someone's body language. 0:00:43.190,0:00:47.330 The first one is something[br]called the baseline. 0:00:47.330,0:00:50.550 The baseline is what[br]is normal for them. 0:00:50.550,0:00:52.940 For example, if someone normally 0:00:52.940,0:00:55.420 looks you when the eyes say 60, 0:00:55.420,0:00:58.000 70% of the time that[br]they're talking to you, 0:00:58.000,0:01:01.120 but then when they're[br]telling you this story, 0:01:01.120,0:01:02.660 the amount of eye contact 0:01:02.660,0:01:05.780 significantly changes,[br]that's interesting. 0:01:05.780,0:01:07.720 It's interesting because we're 0:01:07.720,0:01:09.600 looking for how[br]the body language 0:01:09.600,0:01:11.240 changes from the baseline 0:01:11.240,0:01:13.780 when the catalyst is introduced. 0:01:13.780,0:01:16.000 The catalyst here is like, 0:01:16.000,0:01:18.100 if you're reading[br]somebody at a poker game, 0:01:18.100,0:01:20.405 the catalyst would be when[br]they look at their cards, 0:01:20.405,0:01:22.500 it's whatever caused the change. 0:01:22.500,0:01:25.240 We're looking for how[br]their body language 0:01:25.240,0:01:28.665 is different than normal[br]when that occurs. 0:01:28.665,0:01:32.310 The second one is something[br]called clustering. 0:01:32.310,0:01:35.830 We're not looking for an[br]individual cue to tell us that 0:01:35.830,0:01:37.230 somebody is being deceptive or 0:01:37.230,0:01:39.150 that they're hostile[br]or closed off, 0:01:39.150,0:01:40.990 rather, we're looking[br]for a sentence. 0:01:40.990,0:01:42.690 We're looking for multiple cues 0:01:42.690,0:01:44.370 that confirm the same thing. 0:01:44.370,0:01:47.450 For example, kinesics[br]specialists 0:01:47.450,0:01:48.550 tell us that there are 0:01:48.550,0:01:53.590 approximately 17 cues that[br]indicate deceptive behavior. 0:01:53.590,0:01:56.350 Now, if somebody engages[br]in one of these cues, 0:01:56.350,0:01:58.530 that's too easily a coincidence. 0:01:58.530,0:02:02.790 However, if they engage in[br]eight or nine of these cues, 0:02:02.790,0:02:06.470 that cluster of cues[br]indicating the same thing, 0:02:06.470,0:02:09.580 that's reason to be suspicious. 0:02:10.510,0:02:12.630 Now, there are a[br]lot of different 0:02:12.630,0:02:14.210 elements of body language, 0:02:14.210,0:02:16.750 and there are a number[br]of good books out there. 0:02:16.750,0:02:18.890 For example, a book that I 0:02:18.890,0:02:20.950 would highly recommend[br]to anyone who is 0:02:20.950,0:02:22.470 interested in[br]learning how to read 0:02:22.470,0:02:24.130 body language better is 0:02:24.130,0:02:28.470 a book called "What every body[br]is saying" by Joe Davaro. 0:02:28.470,0:02:30.890 I'll be posting a[br]link to this with 0:02:30.890,0:02:33.950 information as an[br]Internet resource. 0:02:33.950,0:02:36.110 For our purposes here, 0:02:36.110,0:02:38.630 I want to introduce[br]how different elements 0:02:38.630,0:02:40.830 of body language work together. 0:02:40.830,0:02:43.510 So we're going to focus[br]on three elements, 0:02:43.510,0:02:48.130 the eyes, gravity,[br]and pacification. 0:02:50.850,0:02:52.850 The first element we're going to 0:02:52.850,0:02:54.270 be talking about are the eyes. 0:02:54.270,0:02:57.650 Our eyes are drawn to[br]what interests us. 0:02:57.850,0:03:00.850 This will tell you[br]what or who someone is 0:03:00.850,0:03:04.210 engaged with and gives an[br]indication when they disengage. 0:03:04.210,0:03:06.910 Now, we have anecdotal[br]evidence of this. 0:03:06.910,0:03:10.270 For example, if you introduce[br]a friend to a group 0:03:10.270,0:03:12.050 of friends and your[br]friend continually 0:03:12.050,0:03:13.810 looks at the same person, 0:03:13.810,0:03:17.110 we conclude that they're[br]interested in that person. 0:03:17.110,0:03:20.660 If a child is on stage[br]and feeling stage fright, 0:03:20.660,0:03:22.660 their eyes will often be drawn 0:03:22.660,0:03:25.060 to their parents[br]or to the teacher. 0:03:25.060,0:03:28.120 What they're interested[br]in is affirmation. 0:03:28.120,0:03:31.380 They're feeling scrutinized[br]and wanting to feel secure. 0:03:31.380,0:03:33.600 If somebody is[br]afraid of heights, 0:03:33.600,0:03:35.120 it's very difficult for 0:03:35.120,0:03:37.320 them to not look[br]down to the ground. 0:03:37.320,0:03:41.300 The ground represents a sense[br]of safety, of security. 0:03:41.300,0:03:44.155 It tells us what[br]they're engaged with. 0:03:44.155,0:03:47.750 Salesmen use this[br]oftentimes to great effect. 0:03:47.750,0:03:50.490 If they're pointing out[br]elements on a package, 0:03:50.490,0:03:52.510 if they notice your[br]eyes continue to be 0:03:52.510,0:03:54.830 drawn to the same feature[br]of their product, 0:03:54.830,0:03:57.370 they know that that's[br]a major selling point. 0:03:57.370,0:04:01.210 If, however, your eyes[br]tend to ignore something, 0:04:01.210,0:04:02.710 that indicates to them that 0:04:02.710,0:04:04.855 you're not particularly[br]interested in that. 0:04:04.855,0:04:07.300 If they have multiple[br]items to sell, 0:04:07.300,0:04:10.240 they'll oftentimes lay the[br]items out in front of you, 0:04:10.240,0:04:12.000 and as they're listening to you, 0:04:12.000,0:04:13.580 talk about whatever[br]it is you need 0:04:13.580,0:04:16.100 fixed or what[br]you're looking for. 0:04:16.100,0:04:18.660 In addition to listening[br]to your words, 0:04:18.660,0:04:20.480 they'll be watching your eyes. 0:04:20.480,0:04:22.440 If your eyes continue to look at 0:04:22.440,0:04:24.700 the second item in the list, 0:04:24.700,0:04:26.580 the second item laid down, 0:04:26.580,0:04:28.500 then they know that[br]they're no longer 0:04:28.500,0:04:30.840 selling you items one,[br]three, four and five. 0:04:30.840,0:04:33.345 They're looking to[br]sell you Number 2. 0:04:33.345,0:04:35.160 After a little while, they might 0:04:35.160,0:04:37.055 say something like, well, 0:04:37.055,0:04:38.820 I got to tell you[br]I think any one of 0:04:38.820,0:04:41.320 these items would probably[br]help you with that problem, 0:04:41.320,0:04:43.700 and they're all 49, 95. 0:04:43.700,0:04:46.920 However, they'll walk over[br]and they hold up Number 2, 0:04:46.920,0:04:49.390 the one that you were[br]looking at, and they'll say, 0:04:49.390,0:04:52.880 this is our best seller.[br]This is the one that I use. 0:04:52.880,0:04:54.120 I can use any of them, and this 0:04:54.120,0:04:55.860 I found to be the[br]most effective. 0:04:55.860,0:04:57.900 In fact, it gets great reviews. 0:04:57.900,0:05:00.220 This feeds our[br]confirmation bias. 0:05:00.220,0:05:02.280 Our mind loves being right, 0:05:02.280,0:05:05.755 and here we are being told[br]that we picked the right one, 0:05:05.755,0:05:08.340 and then to add a sense[br]of urgency, they'll say, 0:05:08.340,0:05:10.100 and while all of these are 49, 0:05:10.100,0:05:12.960 95, this one happens[br]to be on sale today. 0:05:12.960,0:05:14.680 Today is the last[br]day of the sale, 0:05:14.680,0:05:16.900 but if you buy today, you[br]can get it for half price. 0:05:16.900,0:05:19.720 $25. Oh, the luck. 0:05:19.720,0:05:22.180 The one that we wanted[br]happens to be on sale, 0:05:22.180,0:05:23.460 but we need to hurry up and buy 0:05:23.460,0:05:25.825 it because the sale ends today. 0:05:25.825,0:05:29.070 Our eyes actually told the[br]salesman everything that 0:05:29.070,0:05:33.030 he or she needed to know in[br]order to close the sale. 0:05:34.550,0:05:37.440 The next element is gravity. 0:05:37.440,0:05:41.680 Our eyes will tell the person[br]what we're engaged in. 0:05:41.680,0:05:45.310 Gravity will tell somebody[br]how we feel about it. 0:05:45.310,0:05:46.840 When we like what we're 0:05:46.840,0:05:49.120 engaged with or what[br]we just learned, 0:05:49.120,0:05:52.280 our body will show signs[br]of defining gravity. 0:05:52.280,0:05:54.260 Our rib cage might raise, 0:05:54.260,0:05:56.680 we sit up or stand up a[br]little bit straighter, 0:05:56.680,0:05:58.400 our neck will straighten out, 0:05:58.400,0:06:01.800 eyebrows and cheekbones[br]will be raised. 0:06:01.800,0:06:04.320 If we're walking, there[br]suddenly develops 0:06:04.320,0:06:05.800 almost a bounce to our step 0:06:05.800,0:06:08.135 as if gravity can't[br]hold us down. 0:06:08.135,0:06:12.270 Conversely, when we[br]disapprove with the catalyst, 0:06:12.270,0:06:15.830 now all of a sudden gravity[br]seems to weigh heavily on us. 0:06:15.830,0:06:17.770 Our cheekbones might sink, 0:06:17.770,0:06:20.930 our rib cage fall, we[br]might slouch over. 0:06:20.930,0:06:24.390 If we're walking, sometimes[br]gravity weighs on us so much, 0:06:24.390,0:06:26.990 we can't even lift our[br]feet fully off the ground, 0:06:26.990,0:06:30.055 and they'll drag[br]along the ground. 0:06:30.055,0:06:33.730 Eyes tell us what the[br]person is engaged in, 0:06:33.730,0:06:36.770 and gravity will indicate[br]how do they feel about it. 0:06:36.770,0:06:40.310 The third one is pacification. 0:06:40.310,0:06:45.370 Pacification will show us[br]how strong that feeling is. 0:06:46.040,0:06:48.140 Part of our brain called 0:06:48.140,0:06:52.875 the limbic system is in charge[br]of emotion and survival. 0:06:52.875,0:06:55.600 As our emotion is getting[br]stronger and stronger, 0:06:55.600,0:06:57.920 the limbic system is[br]getting stimulated. 0:06:57.920,0:07:00.360 If it becomes overstimulated, 0:07:00.360,0:07:02.800 the limbic system[br]has the power to 0:07:02.800,0:07:05.400 short circuit the[br]prefrontal cortex, 0:07:05.400,0:07:07.220 the part of your[br]brain in charge of 0:07:07.220,0:07:10.340 executive functioning,[br]and takeover. 0:07:10.340,0:07:12.640 Now, in order to stop this, 0:07:12.640,0:07:14.400 the prefrontal cortex will 0:07:14.400,0:07:17.560 oftentimes try to pacify[br]the limbic system. 0:07:17.560,0:07:20.380 So pacification cues indicate 0:07:20.380,0:07:23.820 that the limbic system[br]is being overstimulated, 0:07:23.820,0:07:27.610 therefore the emotion[br]is getting very strong. 0:07:29.320,0:07:31.980 While there are a number[br]of different types 0:07:31.980,0:07:33.480 of pacification cues, 0:07:33.480,0:07:35.740 I want to just cover[br]a few examples. 0:07:35.740,0:07:37.780 Now, we're all[br]familiar that when 0:07:37.780,0:07:40.280 a baby wants to pacify[br]him or herself, 0:07:40.280,0:07:42.620 they oftentimes will[br]suck their thumb. 0:07:42.620,0:07:45.320 Well, adults, we generally[br]don't suck our thumb, 0:07:45.320,0:07:47.460 at least in public, so we 0:07:47.460,0:07:50.700 actually run the tongue along[br]the inside of our mouth. 0:07:50.700,0:07:54.090 That is effectively[br]pacifying the limbic system, 0:07:54.090,0:07:56.440 and acts similar to how 0:07:56.440,0:07:59.795 a baby sucking[br]their thumb reacts. 0:07:59.795,0:08:01.680 The second one is there 0:08:01.680,0:08:02.940 certain parts of the body 0:08:02.940,0:08:04.540 that are particularly[br]vulnerable. 0:08:04.540,0:08:07.820 For example, if you feel[br]at the lower end of 0:08:07.820,0:08:09.620 your neck just in 0:08:09.620,0:08:12.500 the middle of your neck[br]above the rib cage, 0:08:12.500,0:08:15.740 you can feel a very[br]vulnerable location, 0:08:15.740,0:08:17.520 a spot on your throat that 0:08:17.520,0:08:18.940 a direct attack could 0:08:18.940,0:08:21.560 potentially lead to[br]fatal consequences, 0:08:21.560,0:08:24.340 and there's no bone[br]protecting that area. 0:08:24.340,0:08:28.240 As a result of that,[br]the limbic system 0:08:28.240,0:08:31.335 is particularly frightened[br]of this location, 0:08:31.335,0:08:35.020 so the prefrontal[br]cortex will block it. 0:08:35.020,0:08:37.500 Sometimes they'll have the hand 0:08:37.500,0:08:39.300 adjust a tie that was fine, 0:08:39.300,0:08:40.680 they'll scratch their neck, 0:08:40.680,0:08:43.020 crossing their arm[br]over that location, 0:08:43.020,0:08:45.140 or sometimes they'll simply 0:08:45.140,0:08:47.340 put their hand over[br]it, blocking it. 0:08:47.340,0:08:50.320 This reassures the limbic[br]system that our survival 0:08:50.320,0:08:54.080 is not in danger and[br]therefore can calm it down. 0:08:54.080,0:08:56.920 The third one is stimulating 0:08:56.920,0:08:59.920 both sides of the brain[br]nearly simultaneously. 0:08:59.920,0:09:02.220 Now, that sounds[br]probably strange, 0:09:02.220,0:09:04.640 but there are a variety[br]of ways we can do this. 0:09:04.640,0:09:07.200 One way that's sometimes used in 0:09:07.200,0:09:12.210 therapy is the eyes darting[br]back and forth side to side. 0:09:12.210,0:09:16.790 This rapid eye movement[br]pacifies the limbic system. 0:09:16.790,0:09:19.350 In therapy, someone might 0:09:19.350,0:09:22.330 be sitting straight with[br]their head forward, 0:09:22.330,0:09:26.090 and then lights on each side[br]of them flash on and off. 0:09:26.090,0:09:27.550 Their eyes go back and 0:09:27.550,0:09:30.090 forth to the light[br]each time it turns on. 0:09:30.090,0:09:33.610 As their eyes go back[br]and forth right to left, 0:09:33.610,0:09:36.550 it stimulates both[br]sides of the brain and 0:09:36.550,0:09:40.680 restores the prefrontal cortex[br]calming the limbic system. 0:09:40.680,0:09:44.190 Oftentimes we use[br]tactile sensation. 0:09:44.190,0:09:46.150 Since our eyes darting back and 0:09:46.150,0:09:47.930 forth might look[br]a little awkward, 0:09:47.930,0:09:51.130 sometimes we'll say rub[br]our hands together. 0:09:51.130,0:09:53.650 If you touch the right[br]side of your body, 0:09:53.650,0:09:56.270 the sensation crosses[br]the body's meridian 0:09:56.270,0:09:57.830 to the left side of your brain. 0:09:57.830,0:10:00.070 If you touch the left[br]side of your body, 0:10:00.070,0:10:01.770 it crosses the body's meridian 0:10:01.770,0:10:03.375 to the right side of your brain. 0:10:03.375,0:10:05.470 Rubbing our hands together, 0:10:05.470,0:10:09.690 tapping both legs, rubbing[br]our arms together, 0:10:09.690,0:10:11.830 rubbing the back of your neck. 0:10:11.830,0:10:15.190 These are different ways to[br]accomplish that purpose. 0:10:15.190,0:10:17.910 Again, there are a number[br]of different cues that 0:10:17.910,0:10:20.850 people use to pacify[br]the limbic system. 0:10:20.850,0:10:23.050 But three of them is 0:10:23.050,0:10:25.430 running the tongue along[br]the inside of our mouth, 0:10:25.430,0:10:27.710 covering vulnerable areas, 0:10:27.710,0:10:30.730 and stimulating both[br]sides of the brain. 0:10:30.730,0:10:36.810 That concludes our video[br]on non verbal listening. 0:10:36.810,0:10:38.610 As always, if you[br]have any questions 0:10:38.610,0:10:39.830 or concerns about the course, 0:10:39.830,0:10:41.750 please don't hesitate[br]to contact me. 0:10:41.750,0:10:44.790 My email address and other[br]contact information is 0:10:44.790,0:10:46.470 available on the[br]syllabus as well as 0:10:46.470,0:10:49.250 on our course Moodle[br]page. Thank you.