0:00:16.880,0:00:17.849
NICKOLAS MEANS: How's everybody doing?

0:00:17.849,0:00:19.720
AUDIENCE: Good! Yeah! Yeah!

0:00:19.720,0:00:21.769
N.M.: Nobody's saying tired? I would have[br]said tired

0:00:21.769,0:00:24.800
if somebody asked me that question. I'm so[br]exhausted.

0:00:24.800,0:00:26.640
It's been a great conference, but it's been[br]long

0:00:26.640,0:00:28.800
and I am privileged to have the last speaking

0:00:28.800,0:00:30.529
slot. Which is a really funny joke to play

0:00:30.529,0:00:32.279
on a guy with impostor syndrome. So whoever[br]set

0:00:32.279,0:00:37.120
the schedule, nice job.

0:00:37.120,0:00:39.030
My name is Nickolas Means, but we are about

0:00:39.030,0:00:40.899
to be really good friends, so please call[br]me

0:00:40.899,0:00:42.870
Nick. You can find me-

0:00:42.870,0:00:43.589
AUDIENCE: Hi Nick!

0:00:43.589,0:00:45.440
N.M.: Hi. You can find me as @nmeans on

0:00:45.440,0:00:47.059
Twitter if you're playing along on your laptop[br]or

0:00:47.059,0:00:50.489
your phone. I'm an engineer at WellMatch health.[br]I'm

0:00:50.489,0:00:53.000
lucky enough to get to remote pair nearly[br]100%

0:00:53.000,0:00:55.920
of the time from beautiful Austin, Texas with[br]a

0:00:55.920,0:00:58.280
lot of really smart people, fixing some of[br]the

0:00:58.280,0:01:01.939
hard problems that vex our health care system.

0:01:01.939,0:01:04.409
I want to start by asking you to think

0:01:04.409,0:01:08.130
a little bit. What is your biggest fear at

0:01:08.130,0:01:10.229
work? What's the worst thing that could possibly[br]happen

0:01:10.229,0:01:12.150
to you at your job?

0:01:12.150,0:01:15.299
AUDIENCE: Get fired!

0:01:15.299,0:01:19.079
N.M.: I can tell you mine. I've been a

0:01:19.079,0:01:21.759
software developer for over a decade now.[br]I did

0:01:21.759,0:01:24.840
some PHP spaghetti for awhile. Moved into[br]Ruby. Been

0:01:24.840,0:01:28.939
doing Ruby for, gosh, eight years now. I've[br]worked

0:01:28.939,0:01:31.840
as a solo developer. I've worked as a cylo

0:01:31.840,0:01:33.259
developer where I was the only guy working[br]on

0:01:33.259,0:01:35.340
a product and I brought our team. I've worked

0:01:35.340,0:01:36.780
in a really good team environment which is[br]what

0:01:36.780,0:01:39.090
I'm in now.

0:01:39.090,0:01:41.159
But I've had this persistent fear, the whole[br]time

0:01:41.159,0:01:42.729
I've been a software developer, that I was[br]about

0:01:42.729,0:01:46.170
to be fired. Now, how many times do you

0:01:46.170,0:01:47.999
think I've been fired in my ten plus years

0:01:47.999,0:01:50.649
of software development?

0:01:50.649,0:01:52.350
Brandon right. Three.

0:01:52.350,0:01:53.700
No, zero.

0:01:53.700,0:01:56.789
I've never been fired. But it might happen[br]any

0:01:56.789,0:01:58.999
day now, or at least, that's what my brain

0:01:58.999,0:02:01.240
persists in telling me all the time. It's[br]just

0:02:01.240,0:02:03.799
a matter of time until my boss figures out

0:02:03.799,0:02:05.560
that I really have no idea what I'm talking

0:02:05.560,0:02:07.670
about and I'm a terrible software developer[br]and all

0:02:07.670,0:02:10.199
my commits are crap. And then I'm gonna get

0:02:10.199,0:02:12.680
the pink slip.

0:02:12.680,0:02:14.950
Which is not true, right? Because I've convinced[br]a

0:02:14.950,0:02:17.030
bunch of people to give me a job, and

0:02:17.030,0:02:19.740
I've shipped good code, and I've been through[br]pull

0:02:19.740,0:02:23.000
requests processes. My code's been reviewed.[br]I pair now.

0:02:23.000,0:02:27.360
So, I'm, I'm an OK developer?

0:02:27.360,0:02:31.310
This is the, the gist of impostor syndrome.[br]It's

0:02:31.310,0:02:34.310
a set of beliefs and behaviors that was first

0:02:34.310,0:02:37.620
identified back in 1978 by Doctors Pauline[br]Rose Clance

0:02:37.620,0:02:42.370
and Suzanne Imes at Georgia State University.[br]Dr. Clance

0:02:42.370,0:02:45.600
was on the psychological staff at Georgia[br]State and

0:02:45.600,0:02:47.880
Dr. Imes was a research, a predoctoral researcher[br]under

0:02:47.880,0:02:51.070
her. And they did a lot of interviews with

0:02:51.070,0:02:55.140
graduate students. Female graduate students[br]specifically. Now, these women

0:02:55.140,0:02:58.740
had all gotten into very competitive graduate[br]programs. They

0:02:58.740,0:03:03.590
had all been published in very prestigious[br]psychological journals.

0:03:03.590,0:03:06.760
But they still didn't think very much of themselves.

0:03:06.760,0:03:08.940
There's actually a really great definition[br]of impostor syndrome

0:03:08.940,0:03:14.130
in this abstract. Despite outstanding academic[br]and professional accomplishments,

0:03:14.130,0:03:17.000
women who experience the impostor phenomenon[br]persist in believing

0:03:17.000,0:03:19.410
that they are really not bright and have fooled

0:03:19.410,0:03:22.230
anyone who thinks otherwise.

0:03:22.230,0:03:24.760
So these women were all very prestigious,[br]all very

0:03:24.760,0:03:27.490
successful, but still thought that they had[br]everybody around

0:03:27.490,0:03:31.260
them fooled. And all the stuff that people[br]told

0:03:31.260,0:03:34.510
them about themselves was not true. So if[br]you've

0:03:34.510,0:03:37.820
experienced these kind of feelings, where[br]you think that

0:03:37.820,0:03:39.400
people around you say nice things about you[br]that

0:03:39.400,0:03:40.730
aren't really true, let me tell you a little

0:03:40.730,0:03:41.870
bit about yourself.

0:03:41.870,0:03:45.600
A pretty good chance that you're an introvert.[br]Pretty

0:03:45.600,0:03:49.210
good chance you're a perfectionist. At times[br]you're a

0:03:49.210,0:03:53.070
workaholic. At other times you are a procrastinator.[br]You

0:03:53.070,0:03:57.120
probably have a deep-seated and abiding fear[br]of failure.

0:03:57.120,0:03:59.060
You probably get really uncomfortable when[br]people pay you

0:03:59.060,0:04:03.150
a compliment. You probably feel less competent[br]than your

0:04:03.150,0:04:08.150
peers. If that resonates any, there's good[br]news. You're

0:04:08.150,0:04:09.950
not alone.

0:04:09.950,0:04:12.360
As it turns out, impostor feelings are really[br]pretty

0:04:12.360,0:04:16.569
common. Dr. Clance's research indicates that[br]about 70% of

0:04:16.569,0:04:19.738
people experience impostor syndrome at some[br]point in their

0:04:19.738,0:04:22.410
careers. Now, that's not to say that everybody[br]experiences

0:04:22.410,0:04:23.960
impostor syndrome the same way.

0:04:23.960,0:04:25.910
There's people like me, who have experienced[br]it throughout

0:04:25.910,0:04:28.930
their entire career as a persistent feeling,[br]afraid that

0:04:28.930,0:04:30.810
they were gonna be fired at any moment, and

0:04:30.810,0:04:32.650
there's other people that maybe it only happens[br]when

0:04:32.650,0:04:34.320
they start a new job or they, they emerge

0:04:34.320,0:04:36.540
from college into the workforce.

0:04:36.540,0:04:38.940
But no matter where you are on the scale,

0:04:38.940,0:04:40.710
there's things that you can do to lessen this

0:04:40.710,0:04:43.210
reaction that you feel. So there's two things[br]I

0:04:43.210,0:04:45.510
want to do in this talk. The first thing

0:04:45.510,0:04:46.720
is I want to tell you how your brain

0:04:46.720,0:04:49.120
trolls you. Cause there's a lot of stuff that

0:04:49.120,0:04:52.200
goes on in your head that reinforces this[br]impostorism,

0:04:52.200,0:04:55.410
and this inability to accept your success.

0:04:55.410,0:04:56.110
And I want to tell you how to patch

0:04:56.110,0:04:59.340
your brain. As it turns out, impostor syndrome[br]in

0:04:59.340,0:05:01.139
your head is sort of this infinite loop that

0:05:01.139,0:05:04.470
goes around and around and around. And what[br]we

0:05:04.470,0:05:06.490
have to do is find places where we can

0:05:06.490,0:05:09.030
hook into that loop and get out of that

0:05:09.030,0:05:12.290
cycle. And if we can do that, then we

0:05:12.290,0:05:14.620
can start functioning a little bit better.

0:05:14.620,0:05:15.960
But, before I do that, I want to tell

0:05:15.960,0:05:20.090
you a story. It's about the first conference[br]talk

0:05:20.090,0:05:23.040
I ever gave. And you folks didn't know this

0:05:23.040,0:05:24.400
when you walked into the room, but you're[br]lucky

0:05:24.400,0:05:26.500
enough to be part of this grand experiment.[br]Somebody

0:05:26.500,0:05:28.120
decided it was a good idea to give me

0:05:28.120,0:05:31.740
a speaking slot at RailsConf.

0:05:31.740,0:05:33.900
I decided, on a whim, about an hour before

0:05:33.900,0:05:35.660
the CFP closed that I was gonna put in

0:05:35.660,0:05:38.410
this talk proposal. And it's one that had[br]already

0:05:38.410,0:05:40.570
been rejected by a couple of conferences.[br]So I

0:05:40.570,0:05:41.889
tweaked it a little bit. I cleaned it up.

0:05:41.889,0:05:44.990
I made it a little bit better. And submitted

0:05:44.990,0:05:45.650
it.

0:05:45.650,0:05:48.760
And the RailsConf submission process is, like,[br]custom-tailored for

0:05:48.760,0:05:52.210
someone with impostor syndrome. Because the[br]first round is

0:05:52.210,0:05:53.480
blind. So I don't have to worry about it

0:05:53.480,0:05:54.760
that I don't have this great reputation in[br]the

0:05:54.760,0:05:57.980
community and nobody knows my name. And during[br]this

0:05:57.980,0:06:00.270
process, there's the chance for people reviewing[br]your proposal

0:06:00.270,0:06:01.020
to give you feedback.

0:06:01.020,0:06:04.100
So, Sarah Mae, bless her heart, read my early

0:06:04.100,0:06:07.310
rough draft and gave me some great feedback.[br]I

0:06:07.310,0:06:10.020
tightened up my abstract quite a lot, and[br]apparently

0:06:10.020,0:06:11.260
it was enough to get me through the final

0:06:11.260,0:06:14.490
selected, and I got a talk accepted.

0:06:14.490,0:06:16.790
So I was hanging out with my wife and

0:06:16.790,0:06:18.460
my three-year-old son when I got the email[br]that

0:06:18.460,0:06:22.210
my talk was accepted at RailsConf. And I gasped,

0:06:22.210,0:06:24.610
and I was speechless, and my wife thought[br]somebody

0:06:24.610,0:06:26.389
important had died.

0:06:26.389,0:06:30.630
Finally, I got the words out to tell her

0:06:30.630,0:06:34.350
what was happening. And I was very excited.[br]So

0:06:34.350,0:06:36.090
when I put the proposal in, the whole time

0:06:36.090,0:06:37.330
I'm waiting to see whether I got in or

0:06:37.330,0:06:40.380
not, I'm envisioning. Our team has a Friday[br]happy

0:06:40.380,0:06:42.010
hour, and I'm envisioning getting to tell[br]my team

0:06:42.010,0:06:44.120
mates that I got a talk accepted at RailsConf.

0:06:44.120,0:06:45.790
And I got to do that, and it was

0:06:45.790,0:06:47.010
glorious.

0:06:47.010,0:06:50.680
But, then reality sets in. I don't know if

0:06:50.680,0:06:53.010
any of you have ever spoken at a user

0:06:53.010,0:06:55.430
group or something, but as it turns out, you

0:06:55.430,0:06:57.720
don't actually have to write the talk before[br]it

0:06:57.720,0:07:01.190
gets accepted. So once your talk is accepted,[br]you

0:07:01.190,0:07:04.210
have to start writing it. And it plunged me,

0:07:04.210,0:07:08.530
immediately, into this worry, fear, panic[br]and dread.

0:07:08.530,0:07:10.010
I sat down, I tried to make an initial

0:07:10.010,0:07:12.639
outline. Total creative block. I couldn't[br]come up with

0:07:12.639,0:07:14.410
anything. I couldn't organize my thoughts[br]to save my

0:07:14.410,0:07:17.300
life. The funniest thing was my brain played[br]this

0:07:17.300,0:07:20.090
great trick on me. It told me I didn't

0:07:20.090,0:07:22.720
even have impostor syndrome bad enough to[br]give a

0:07:22.720,0:07:29.720
talk on impostor syndrome.

0:07:32.229,0:07:35.000
So I, I pushed through it. And I, I,

0:07:35.000,0:07:37.639
I took an impostor syndrome test, on which[br]I

0:07:37.639,0:07:40.880
scored very highly. And I'll share that test[br]with

0:07:40.880,0:07:45.510
you guys later. So after that, I jumped into

0:07:45.510,0:07:48.690
full-on overwork. Now, normally I am a huge[br]procrastinator.

0:07:48.690,0:07:50.650
Normally, I sit and wait until the very last

0:07:50.650,0:07:51.990
minute to do something. But I guess my brain

0:07:51.990,0:07:54.669
thought this was important, because it jumped[br]into overwork

0:07:54.669,0:07:56.830
from day one. Like, three days after I found

0:07:56.830,0:07:58.490
out my talk was accepted, my family was heading

0:07:58.490,0:08:00.639
on vacation, and, you know, as you do, I

0:08:00.639,0:08:03.490
loaded my Kindle up with psychological journal[br]articles and

0:08:03.490,0:08:05.600
brought books, and I spent most of my vacation

0:08:05.600,0:08:08.900
reading about impostor syndrome. Which is[br]not what I'd

0:08:08.900,0:08:13.130
planned to do.

0:08:13.130,0:08:15.000
And then hopefully the next step in the cycle

0:08:15.000,0:08:16.669
is success. Now, clearly the jury is still[br]out

0:08:16.669,0:08:19.180
on this. But hopefully when you're done you[br]won't

0:08:19.180,0:08:20.520
feel like your time has been wasted in this

0:08:20.520,0:08:23.080
room. And after that, I'm gonna feel some[br]initial

0:08:23.080,0:08:24.040
relief.

0:08:24.040,0:08:25.710
A coworker asked me - I had this long

0:08:25.710,0:08:27.280
list of things that I hope would happen after

0:08:27.280,0:08:29.560
the talk. And a coworker asked me, OK, so

0:08:29.560,0:08:31.139
what do you really want to happen after this

0:08:31.139,0:08:32.849
talk? Really, all I want out of this talk

0:08:32.849,0:08:35.679
is to help somebody. If I accomplish that,[br]that's

0:08:35.679,0:08:36.729
all I want out of this.

0:08:36.729,0:08:39.019
So, if that happens, I'll feel some initial[br]relief.

0:08:39.019,0:08:42.500
But then, as we do, I will move into

0:08:42.500,0:08:44.120
this step where I am focusing on all the

0:08:44.120,0:08:46.250
little failures in this talk. I'm gonna focus[br]on

0:08:46.250,0:08:48.570
the jokes that I didn't get just right. I'm

0:08:48.570,0:08:50.330
gonna focus on the times I said uh, and

0:08:50.330,0:08:53.610
um and stumbled over my points and the content

0:08:53.610,0:08:55.270
areas that I wish I had covered better or

0:08:55.270,0:08:58.020
phrased differently.

0:08:58.020,0:08:59.140
And then I'm gonna move into sort of the

0:08:59.140,0:09:02.130
meat of impostor syndrome. I'm gonna start[br]denying my

0:09:02.130,0:09:05.070
success. I'm gonna start feeling like people[br]saying nice

0:09:05.070,0:09:06.570
things to me in the hallway are just doing

0:09:06.570,0:09:09.620
it because they know I have impostor syndrome[br]and

0:09:09.620,0:09:12.630
need compliments.

0:09:12.630,0:09:14.610
And that's, you know, that's what we do. We

0:09:14.610,0:09:17.850
write off our success, and it robs you of

0:09:17.850,0:09:20.899
your ability to enjoy your success. So then,[br]when

0:09:20.899,0:09:23.240
the next opportunity comes up, you cycle right[br]back

0:09:23.240,0:09:25.140
into this thing, because you've never been[br]successful in

0:09:25.140,0:09:28.240
your life. At least in your own mind.

0:09:28.240,0:09:30.300
This is the impostor cycle. Again, this was,[br]this

0:09:30.300,0:09:34.640
was identified in Dr. Clance's research, and[br]it's, it's

0:09:34.640,0:09:36.950
driven by the superstition that we have to[br]go

0:09:36.950,0:09:40.980
through this fear and doubt and overwork and[br]panic

0:09:40.980,0:09:44.260
to get anything done. So you go through it,

0:09:44.260,0:09:47.430
you look back on it. You did OK. The

0:09:47.430,0:09:49.350
reason you did OK is because you went through

0:09:49.350,0:09:52.740
this big process of being all panicky and[br]fearful

0:09:52.740,0:09:54.410
and procrastinating and overworking.

0:09:54.410,0:09:56.730
So you develop this superstition that if you[br]don't

0:09:56.730,0:09:59.240
do that, if you don't go through that hell,

0:09:59.240,0:10:00.950
you're not gonna be able to pull of whatever

0:10:00.950,0:10:02.990
it is you're trying to pull off. And so

0:10:02.990,0:10:04.890
it denies you the ability to ever absorb your

0:10:04.890,0:10:06.880
success and feel like you actually are a capable,

0:10:06.880,0:10:07.890
competent person.

0:10:07.890,0:10:09.910
There's a lot of stuff going on in your

0:10:09.910,0:10:12.230
brain that causes this to happen. I alluded[br]this

0:10:12.230,0:10:15.020
to some of these earlier. A, one of the

0:10:15.020,0:10:18.140
first ones is introversion. There's probably[br]a lot of

0:10:18.140,0:10:21.500
introverts in this room. And the thing about[br]introverts

0:10:21.500,0:10:23.140
is we all spend a lot of time inside

0:10:23.140,0:10:25.330
our own heads, right. We spend a lot of

0:10:25.330,0:10:29.740
time replaying social interactions, wishing[br]we hadn't been awkward,

0:10:29.740,0:10:32.230
wishing we were better at small talk. We meet

0:10:32.230,0:10:34.290
this hero of ours at a conference. We go

0:10:34.290,0:10:36.010
talk to him and we say something really stupid

0:10:36.010,0:10:37.190
and put our foot in our mouth and we

0:10:37.190,0:10:40.170
spend the next six hours thinking about that.[br]So

0:10:40.170,0:10:44.339
we spend a lot of time in self-criticism.

0:10:44.339,0:10:47.200
The next thing is perfectionism. And the,[br]the two

0:10:47.200,0:10:51.500
most highly-correlated personality attributes[br]to impostor syndrome are introversion

0:10:51.500,0:10:54.589
and perfectionism. So the thing about perfectionism[br]is we

0:10:54.589,0:10:56.580
have very high standards for ourselves, right.[br]We want

0:10:56.580,0:10:59.810
to get the gold standard. So what happens[br]when

0:10:59.810,0:11:04.709
we hit silver plus, plus, plus? We have failed.

0:11:04.709,0:11:08.310
So, you have this inability to ever do as

0:11:08.310,0:11:10.130
well as you think you ought to do. You

0:11:10.130,0:11:11.920
have this inability to ever pull anything[br]off to

0:11:11.920,0:11:15.140
your own perfect standard. And then it goes[br]into

0:11:15.140,0:11:18.330
something even more sinister than that. There's[br]this need

0:11:18.330,0:11:21.520
in perfectionism that emerges to always be[br]the best.

0:11:21.520,0:11:23.700
It's not enough to be good. You have to

0:11:23.700,0:11:27.029
be the shining star. And so you get into

0:11:27.029,0:11:29.550
this, it, it can create some really weird[br]things

0:11:29.550,0:11:31.149
in your job.

0:11:31.149,0:11:34.550
So, when a coworker, say, gets a lot of

0:11:34.550,0:11:38.209
praise for pulling something off, I feel threatened[br]by

0:11:38.209,0:11:41.250
that. Which is stupid, right? I know, intellectually,[br]that

0:11:41.250,0:11:43.360
I shouldn't. I know that there's more than[br]enough

0:11:43.360,0:11:45.410
credit to go around. It's not a zero-sum game.

0:11:45.410,0:11:48.270
But I still feel like, somehow, my coworker[br]getting

0:11:48.270,0:11:52.020
praise is taking something away from my shiny[br]gold

0:11:52.020,0:11:54.800
star. And so it sets you up to always

0:11:54.800,0:11:56.240
have to be perfect.

0:11:56.240,0:11:58.149
It's terrible.

0:11:58.149,0:12:01.399
And it feeds into workaholism, because it[br]takes a

0:12:01.399,0:12:03.470
lot of work to live up to that standard

0:12:03.470,0:12:04.620
that we all think we need to live up

0:12:04.620,0:12:08.140
to. A whole lot of work. Or, when we

0:12:08.140,0:12:10.300
get into a situation where we know we can't,

0:12:10.300,0:12:15.480
we procrastinate. Now, I've been a world-champion[br]procrastinator for

0:12:15.480,0:12:18.589
the bulk of my career.

0:12:18.589,0:12:21.399
And it wasn't until maybe a year ago that

0:12:21.399,0:12:24.839
I realized how intertwined it was with impostor[br]syndrome.

0:12:24.839,0:12:27.149
Because what procrastination does for you,[br]when you're a

0:12:27.149,0:12:29.610
perfectionist, is it gives you a forcing function.[br]It

0:12:29.610,0:12:31.839
lets you get something out the door that might

0:12:31.839,0:12:33.260
not be as perfect as you want it to

0:12:33.260,0:12:35.390
be. It gives you a time box. And what

0:12:35.390,0:12:37.050
you can produce in that time box has to

0:12:37.050,0:12:38.190
be good enough.

0:12:38.190,0:12:42.640
And it also gives you a way out of

0:12:42.640,0:12:46.350
failure. Because, like I mentioned earlier,[br]impostors often have

0:12:46.350,0:12:49.220
a strong fear of failure. So if you procrastinate,

0:12:49.220,0:12:50.630
if you wait until the very last minute to

0:12:50.630,0:12:54.459
do something, and then you fail, well. It's[br]just

0:12:54.459,0:12:55.870
cause you didn't spend enough time on it.[br]It's

0:12:55.870,0:12:59.399
not a reflection of you as a person.

0:12:59.399,0:13:01.190
Which is the perfect segue into the next thing

0:13:01.190,0:13:03.080
going on in your head, which is fear of

0:13:03.080,0:13:08.980
failure. As impostors, we are terrified for[br]others to

0:13:08.980,0:13:13.050
see us struggle. We are scared to death to,

0:13:13.050,0:13:14.709
for anybody else to see that we might not

0:13:14.709,0:13:16.709
be able to pull it off the first time

0:13:16.709,0:13:19.480
we try. Because we feel like we're walking[br]on

0:13:19.480,0:13:22.180
eggshells. We have this very thin facade,[br]that if

0:13:22.180,0:13:24.000
anybody can get through, anybody can see around,[br]they're

0:13:24.000,0:13:26.360
gonna realize what a complete and total failure[br]we

0:13:26.360,0:13:28.310
are.

0:13:28.310,0:13:31.160
So anytime there's a crack in that armor,[br]we're

0:13:31.160,0:13:33.310
afraid that it's all gonna come tumbling down.[br]So

0:13:33.310,0:13:36.339
we develop this deep-seated fear of failure[br]that makes

0:13:36.339,0:13:38.220
it very hard to go and try to do

0:13:38.220,0:13:40.450
new things. It makes it hard to do anything

0:13:40.450,0:13:43.029
you think you might look foolish doing. A[br]perfect

0:13:43.029,0:13:45.360
example of that is the dance floor. And one

0:13:45.360,0:13:46.589
thing you will not see on the dance floor

0:13:46.589,0:13:49.209
is this guy.

0:13:49.209,0:13:50.470
Much to the chagrin of my wife, by the

0:13:50.470,0:13:51.950
way. She would really prefer me to get out

0:13:51.950,0:13:54.709
on the dance floor with her. But, I'm so

0:13:54.709,0:13:56.480
afraid that I'm gonna get out there and make

0:13:56.480,0:13:58.730
a fool of myself that I just won't do

0:13:58.730,0:14:01.130
it. I won't risk that part of my personality

0:14:01.130,0:14:03.579
because somehow it's gonna make people think[br]less of

0:14:03.579,0:14:05.860
me. I know it's kind of a contrived, trivial

0:14:05.860,0:14:07.480
example, but it plays out on the rest of

0:14:07.480,0:14:08.410
your professional life.

0:14:08.410,0:14:10.350
It plays out when you're trying to learn something

0:14:10.350,0:14:13.180
new, or you're trying to fight through a hard

0:14:13.180,0:14:17.519
problem. You're kind of afraid to admit that[br]you

0:14:17.519,0:14:20.990
don't know.

0:14:20.990,0:14:23.589
This one is really the meat of impostor syndrome.

0:14:23.589,0:14:26.610
This idea of denial of success. One thing[br]we're

0:14:26.610,0:14:30.300
all really good at, as impostors, is deflecting[br]objective

0:14:30.300,0:14:33.940
evidence that we're actually competent and[br]successful. We're very

0:14:33.940,0:14:37.589
good at pushing those things away. We deflect[br]compliments,

0:14:37.589,0:14:41.190
we write off promotions. We got new jobs because

0:14:41.190,0:14:44.380
we're good interviewers, not because we're[br]good developers.

0:14:44.380,0:14:47.480
In fact, when I found out my talk was

0:14:47.480,0:14:51.370
accepted, the first thought that came into[br]my mind

0:14:51.370,0:14:53.800
is, man, that's gonna be such a let-down tomorrow

0:14:53.800,0:14:55.490
when I get the email that their CFP system

0:14:55.490,0:14:59.820
screwed up and emailed everybody a letter[br]of acceptance.

0:14:59.820,0:15:01.570
So stupid, right?

0:15:01.570,0:15:03.320
But that's, the, these are the things that[br]your

0:15:03.320,0:15:06.339
brain does that traps you in this cycle. It

0:15:06.339,0:15:10.010
gets into attribution theory in psychology.[br]And that's the

0:15:10.010,0:15:14.050
idea of where you attribute success and failure.[br]As

0:15:14.050,0:15:16.820
impostors, we tend to contribute success to[br]external factors.

0:15:16.820,0:15:20.480
So, it's luck. And timing. And knowing the[br]right

0:15:20.480,0:15:22.170
people.

0:15:22.170,0:15:24.410
Whereas we take failure and we internalize[br]it. It

0:15:24.410,0:15:26.970
speaks to who we are as a person. If

0:15:26.970,0:15:29.110
we fail, it's completely a reflection on us.[br]But

0:15:29.110,0:15:31.170
if we succeed, it's not a reflection on us

0:15:31.170,0:15:32.800
at all, it's a reflection of the situations[br]we

0:15:32.800,0:15:35.519
found ourselves in.

0:15:35.519,0:15:36.540
We also have a little bit of fear of

0:15:36.540,0:15:39.589
success going on. There's this fear that being[br]successful

0:15:39.589,0:15:42.730
might ostracize you from your peers. I know[br]I

0:15:42.730,0:15:44.680
felt this in school a lot. I was the

0:15:44.680,0:15:47.339
kid that knew the answer every time, and by

0:15:47.339,0:15:50.209
about third grade I had developed a defense[br]mechanism

0:15:50.209,0:15:53.010
where I hardly ever raised my hand. Cause[br]I

0:15:53.010,0:15:53.910
didn't want to be the kid that knew all

0:15:53.910,0:15:57.779
the answers, cause that kid didn't have any[br]friends.

0:15:57.779,0:16:01.149
This is part of why people from marginalized[br]groups

0:16:01.149,0:16:04.339
suffer disproportionately more from impostor[br]syndrome than the rest

0:16:04.339,0:16:06.860
of us. The only marginalized group I'm a part

0:16:06.860,0:16:10.000
of is guys without hair. So, but I still

0:16:10.000,0:16:13.139
have a very strong case of impostor syndrome.[br]When

0:16:13.139,0:16:15.380
you get into a marginalized group and you[br]might

0:16:15.380,0:16:18.430
be more successful than some of your peers,[br]you're

0:16:18.430,0:16:20.279
afraid it might cause you to be outcast from

0:16:20.279,0:16:22.370
that peer group that's one of the only safe

0:16:22.370,0:16:24.010
places you have. One of the only places you

0:16:24.010,0:16:24.630
belong.

0:16:24.630,0:16:26.779
It's a scary thing.

0:16:26.779,0:16:30.180
There's a couple things that make impostor[br]syndrome more

0:16:30.180,0:16:33.540
prevalent in technology than it is in other[br]industries.

0:16:33.540,0:16:36.089
One of those things is the vastness of the

0:16:36.089,0:16:41.040
knowledge involved in being a technology worker.[br]Most of

0:16:41.040,0:16:42.790
us have heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect.[br]It's this

0:16:42.790,0:16:46.899
idea that unskilled people may not really[br]be able

0:16:46.899,0:16:48.430
to gage their level of competence. They may[br]feel

0:16:48.430,0:16:50.589
like they're more competent than they are[br]because they

0:16:50.589,0:16:52.399
don't know their gaps.

0:16:52.399,0:16:55.459
We have the diametric opposite problem of[br]that. We

0:16:55.459,0:16:58.290
know every last one of our gaps. We know

0:16:58.290,0:17:00.019
all the things that we don't know. We know

0:17:00.019,0:17:01.790
all the things that we need to improve about

0:17:01.790,0:17:07.279
ourselves. And we know how much we don't know.

0:17:07.279,0:17:10.089
And, DHH alluded to this in his keynote, actually,

0:17:10.089,0:17:12.789
when he talked about the impostor plexus.

0:17:12.789,0:17:14.169
We spend a lot of time wondering if we're

0:17:14.169,0:17:18.138
doing it right in software. But the definition[br]of

0:17:18.138,0:17:20.740
right is always moving around. It's very hard[br]to

0:17:20.740,0:17:23.089
track. And so it sets us up for this

0:17:23.089,0:17:25.199
feeling where we're never doing it right.[br]We're always

0:17:25.199,0:17:27.000
two steps behind. There's always something[br]else we need

0:17:27.000,0:17:29.059
to know to be able to be accepted in

0:17:29.059,0:17:29.740
our field.

0:17:29.740,0:17:35.860
The other thing is peer scrutiny. Actors,[br]scientists, college

0:17:35.860,0:17:40.410
professors, musicians, artists, all have a[br]hard time with

0:17:40.410,0:17:42.890
impostor syndrome. And the thing all those[br]professions have

0:17:42.890,0:17:45.360
in common with us is this idea of peer

0:17:45.360,0:17:47.950
scrutiny. We are always one code review away[br]from

0:17:47.950,0:17:49.960
somebody telling us that our work is crap[br]and

0:17:49.960,0:17:51.490
we are crap.

0:17:51.490,0:17:54.140
And it's, it's a scary place to be. So,

0:17:54.140,0:17:56.650
to cope with that fear, your brain starts[br]dutifully

0:17:56.650,0:17:58.500
preparing you for someone telling you that[br]your work

0:17:58.500,0:17:59.919
is crap by telling you that you're crap ahead

0:17:59.919,0:18:03.500
of time. It's really helpful.

0:18:03.500,0:18:05.160
The other thing we do is we compare the

0:18:05.160,0:18:08.370
finished work of other people to our messy[br]thought

0:18:08.370,0:18:11.140
process. So you, you look at this library[br]that

0:18:11.140,0:18:12.450
you admire. You look at the code. You look

0:18:12.450,0:18:13.820
at the structure. You look at the way it's

0:18:13.820,0:18:16.240
organized. It's fantastic code.

0:18:16.240,0:18:17.929
Then you look at your own code. But when

0:18:17.929,0:18:20.270
you look at your own code, you have the

0:18:20.270,0:18:22.000
back story of that code. You know how it

0:18:22.000,0:18:24.540
came to be. You know what a struggle it

0:18:24.540,0:18:27.380
was. So you assume this guy wrote this entire

0:18:27.380,0:18:30.740
text file, beautiful library in one pass.[br]But you

0:18:30.740,0:18:32.690
know how the sausage was made on your code.

0:18:32.690,0:18:35.020
And you know it wasn't a pretty process. So

0:18:35.020,0:18:38.169
you're setting yourself up for failure in[br]that comparison.

0:18:38.169,0:18:40.510
You're never gonna come out ahead when you[br]compare

0:18:40.510,0:18:42.880
your thought process to somebody else's finished[br]code.

0:18:42.880,0:18:47.710
So how does this work out in practice? There

0:18:47.710,0:18:52.250
are a lot of things that impostors don't do,

0:18:52.250,0:18:58.540
because of impostor syndrome. We don't participate[br]in conversations.

0:18:58.540,0:19:00.860
We go to user groups. We tend to hide

0:19:00.860,0:19:04.840
in the wings, right. Because if we hide, then

0:19:04.840,0:19:06.250
we don't have to put ourselves out there.[br]We

0:19:06.250,0:19:08.710
don't have to let anybody see us and figure

0:19:08.710,0:19:10.740
out that we don't know what we're talking[br]about

0:19:10.740,0:19:12.530
and shouldn't be where we are.

0:19:12.530,0:19:16.260
We don't ask questions. It's hard for us to

0:19:16.260,0:19:19.140
admit that we don't know something. We pretend[br]like

0:19:19.140,0:19:21.370
we know it. Fake it till you make it.

0:19:21.370,0:19:23.280
And then we come back later and frantically[br]scramble

0:19:23.280,0:19:24.760
to try to learn the things that we don't

0:19:24.760,0:19:28.070
know. So we write crappy code. We blindly[br]adhere

0:19:28.070,0:19:30.320
to best practices. We don't ask questions[br]that would

0:19:30.320,0:19:32.070
allow us to become somebody with a trained[br]eye

0:19:32.070,0:19:34.710
for code that actually knows how to apply[br]those

0:19:34.710,0:19:38.160
best practices well.

0:19:38.160,0:19:39.870
And we all know that if you just blindly

0:19:39.870,0:19:42.010
apply best practices, you're gonna end up[br]with some

0:19:42.010,0:19:44.380
code that's really pretty rough. But if you[br]don't

0:19:44.380,0:19:46.100
ask those questions, if you don't put yourself[br]out

0:19:46.100,0:19:48.510
there to admit that, yeah, you know what,[br]I

0:19:48.510,0:19:50.510
could learn to do this a little better, you

0:19:50.510,0:19:53.880
don't grow.

0:19:53.880,0:19:55.850
Impostors don't teach others. We don't give[br]user group

0:19:55.850,0:19:57.910
talks. We don't give convention talks. We[br]don't help

0:19:57.910,0:20:02.030
out at workshops. And the community is worse[br]off

0:20:02.030,0:20:05.440
for this. Brandon Hayes, in his talk this[br]morning,

0:20:05.440,0:20:07.210
alluded to the fact that everybody sitting[br]in the

0:20:07.210,0:20:08.929
audience has a talk that they could give.[br]There

0:20:08.929,0:20:11.720
is something out there that you know an awful

0:20:11.720,0:20:14.650
lot about. Maybe more about than anybody else.[br]But

0:20:14.650,0:20:15.710
if you're afraid to get up in front of

0:20:15.710,0:20:18.190
people and share that knowledge, the community[br]is lacking

0:20:18.190,0:20:21.960
that knowledge. The community is lacking your[br]unique viewpoint.

0:20:21.960,0:20:24.940
So impostor syndrome robs our community of[br]some voices

0:20:24.940,0:20:27.669
that would otherwise be very helpful and very[br]insightful.

0:20:27.669,0:20:30.320
Another thing impostors don't do is contribute[br]to open

0:20:30.320,0:20:34.770
source. I remember when I was a PHP developer

0:20:34.770,0:20:38.010
in the first year of my software development[br]career.

0:20:38.010,0:20:40.080
I said something really stupid on the WordPress[br]mailing

0:20:40.080,0:20:42.500
list. It was something along the lines of[br]WordPress

0:20:42.500,0:20:46.799
isn't supported on Microsoft stack. Or something,[br]I don't

0:20:46.799,0:20:49.150
know, something dumb. And I got my rear end

0:20:49.150,0:20:51.400
handed to me for it.

0:20:51.400,0:20:54.929
And ever since that happened, I have been[br]very

0:20:54.929,0:20:57.500
hesitant to do anything of any significance[br]in the

0:20:57.500,0:20:59.750
open source world. And I have a feeling that

0:20:59.750,0:21:00.679
there's a lot of people in the audience that

0:21:00.679,0:21:02.340
that's true for, as well. Maybe you got bit

0:21:02.340,0:21:04.510
one time. Maybe you're just afraid of getting[br]bit

0:21:04.510,0:21:08.070
by trying to contribute to open source. But[br]it's,

0:21:08.070,0:21:10.520
it's something that impostors don't do, because[br]we're afraid

0:21:10.520,0:21:14.070
of that rejection. We're afraid of that failure.

0:21:14.070,0:21:15.320
The other thing impostors don't do is they[br]don't

0:21:15.320,0:21:18.120
change jobs. I mentioned I was a solo developer

0:21:18.120,0:21:21.059
for the first chunk of my career. I was

0:21:21.059,0:21:24.030
in that job for five years. And it was,

0:21:24.030,0:21:25.380
it was a bit of a cushy position. I'll

0:21:25.380,0:21:29.120
admit that. But by being a solo developer,[br]I

0:21:29.120,0:21:31.610
deprived myself of the chance of learning[br]from other

0:21:31.610,0:21:34.080
developers. And by the time I left that job,

0:21:34.080,0:21:35.950
I was not making anything close to a market

0:21:35.950,0:21:36.730
salary.

0:21:36.730,0:21:39.690
But, as impostors, we kind of feel lucky to

0:21:39.690,0:21:41.179
have the job we have and to have the

0:21:41.179,0:21:43.640
people that are around us fooled. It seems[br]like

0:21:43.640,0:21:44.679
an awful lot of work to go take a

0:21:44.679,0:21:46.120
new job and have to fool a new group

0:21:46.120,0:21:48.919
of people, right? So we just sit where we

0:21:48.919,0:21:50.360
are.

0:21:50.360,0:21:54.669
So, clearly, these are not things that we[br]want

0:21:54.669,0:21:57.730
to happen in our community. So how do we

0:21:57.730,0:22:00.160
patch our brains to get out of this cycle?

0:22:00.160,0:22:02.360
Like I mentioned earlier, impostor syndrome,[br]that cycle, it's

0:22:02.360,0:22:03.929
kind of an infinite loop in your head. And

0:22:03.929,0:22:05.620
you just have to find the places that you

0:22:05.620,0:22:08.230
can hook into it so that you can get

0:22:08.230,0:22:09.320
out of it.

0:22:09.320,0:22:11.700
The good news is, is that for starters, knowing

0:22:11.700,0:22:14.900
is half the battle. If you just understand[br]that

0:22:14.900,0:22:19.400
this thing that you feel, this pervasive sense[br]of

0:22:19.400,0:22:23.390
incompetence that you feel actually has a[br]name. It's

0:22:23.390,0:22:26.000
called impostor syndrome. You know how it's[br]affecting your

0:22:26.000,0:22:29.580
thoughts. You know how it's affecting your[br]head. That's

0:22:29.580,0:22:32.200
the first start of the road to recovery. I

0:22:32.200,0:22:33.570
mentioned earlier, I've got an impostor survey,[br]I'll give

0:22:33.570,0:22:35.270
you the link at the end of the talk.

0:22:35.270,0:22:38.299
It's derived from research from Dr. Clance.[br]And it'll

0:22:38.299,0:22:40.690
give you a numeric score. It'll help you sort

0:22:40.690,0:22:42.360
of sort through some of the thoughts in your

0:22:42.360,0:22:44.799
head and figure out if it's something that[br]you're

0:22:44.799,0:22:47.110
dealing with.

0:22:47.110,0:22:48.690
So once you know what impostor syndrome is,[br]the

0:22:48.690,0:22:50.490
next thing is mindfulness. You have to start[br]paying

0:22:50.490,0:22:56.059
attention. And, I apologize, cause I know[br]this is

0:22:56.059,0:22:59.870
super cheesy, but I'm gonna do it anyway.[br]I

0:22:59.870,0:23:01.280
want you to turn to somebody next to you

0:23:01.280,0:23:04.419
in the audience and pay them a compliment.[br]If

0:23:04.419,0:23:06.970
it's somebody you know well, make it as specific

0:23:06.970,0:23:11.809
a compliment as you can. I'll wait.

0:23:11.809,0:23:14.570
AUDIENCE: [chatter]

0:23:14.570,0:23:21.570
N.M.: All right. All right, come on. Reeling[br]it

0:23:26.990,0:23:31.860
back in here. I wondered if this would happen

0:23:31.860,0:23:33.610
on the last day of the conference, and it

0:23:33.610,0:23:39.370
did.

0:23:39.370,0:23:46.370
So, think back to when the person sitting[br]next

0:23:47.250,0:23:48.780
to you paid you that compliment. How did you

0:23:48.780,0:23:53.450
react? Was your initial instinct to accept[br]that compliment

0:23:53.450,0:23:56.660
and take it at face value as true? Or

0:23:56.660,0:23:58.860
was it to try to write it off. To

0:23:58.860,0:24:01.700
try to find some way deflect it. Cause that's

0:24:01.700,0:24:03.340
what we do as impostors, right? If somebody[br]comes

0:24:03.340,0:24:05.480
up and says hey, nice job.

0:24:05.480,0:24:07.549
Oh, man, I was really lucky. It was an

0:24:07.549,0:24:10.400
easy topic to talk about. That sort of thing.

0:24:10.400,0:24:12.600
We tend to write it off. So you have

0:24:12.600,0:24:14.370
to pay attention to how you accept compliments.[br]You

0:24:14.370,0:24:15.940
have to work to accept them gracefully. If[br]you

0:24:15.940,0:24:17.289
don't know how to do that, just say thank

0:24:17.289,0:24:20.600
you. All you have to say. It's very hard

0:24:20.600,0:24:23.850
work, and I am still terrible at it.

0:24:23.850,0:24:25.640
The other thing you have to do, that you

0:24:25.640,0:24:28.909
can do to help you find how this is

0:24:28.909,0:24:31.400
happening in your head is to listen to yourself

0:24:31.400,0:24:36.600
talk. See if you do a lot of self-deprecation.

0:24:36.600,0:24:38.120
When you make a mistake in the code, you

0:24:38.120,0:24:40.390
say, oh man, I'm an idiot. Or do you

0:24:40.390,0:24:42.929
do, oh, I forgot a semi-colon. Not that we

0:24:42.929,0:24:44.270
ever do that because we're Rubyists and we[br]don't

0:24:44.270,0:24:48.559
write JavaScript or anything.

0:24:48.559,0:24:50.039
The next thing you have to do is accept

0:24:50.039,0:24:54.650
your success. Accept your success. Trust reality,[br]not your

0:24:54.650,0:24:57.070
feelings. Brandon Hayes is a friend of mine[br]from

0:24:57.070,0:24:59.539
Austin, said this probably as eloquently as[br]I've heard

0:24:59.539,0:25:02.539
it said. He was talking about leaving a previous

0:25:02.539,0:25:05.220
job and coworkers paying him compliments and[br]saying nice

0:25:05.220,0:25:06.220
things about him.

0:25:06.220,0:25:08.480
And he said, you know, at some point, I

0:25:08.480,0:25:11.309
had to stop the thought process in my head.

0:25:11.309,0:25:12.980
And I had to try to find these things

0:25:12.980,0:25:15.020
that people were saying about me inside myself.[br]I

0:25:15.020,0:25:18.250
had to find them as true. And it's hard.

0:25:18.250,0:25:20.270
It's hard. You have to try to accept that

0:25:20.270,0:25:22.900
compliments are true. You have to accept that[br]nice

0:25:22.900,0:25:24.880
things that people say about you are true,[br]rather

0:25:24.880,0:25:27.820
than immediately writing them off. Another[br]way to practice

0:25:27.820,0:25:29.720
that is to give more compliments.

0:25:29.720,0:25:31.630
I mentioned sort of this idea of a zero-sum

0:25:31.630,0:25:34.850
game, where it's, you have to be the shining

0:25:34.850,0:25:38.039
star and you're worried about what happens[br]when people

0:25:38.039,0:25:41.100
on your team get compliments. Well, give more[br]compliments.

0:25:41.100,0:25:44.240
Notice the genuineness with which you deliver[br]a compliment.

0:25:44.240,0:25:46.860
If you notice how genuine you're being, start[br]assuming

0:25:46.860,0:25:49.770
other people are being that genuine as well.[br]And

0:25:49.770,0:25:54.530
they're not just deluded into thinking you're[br]something you're

0:25:54.530,0:25:56.000
not.

0:25:56.000,0:25:58.950
You have to own your success. And even if

0:25:58.950,0:26:01.610
your success involved a lot of luck and timing,

0:26:01.610,0:26:03.240
you still had to be smart enough to use

0:26:03.240,0:26:05.490
that luck and timing to your benefit. So even

0:26:05.490,0:26:06.470
if you try to write it off as luck

0:26:06.470,0:26:08.760
and timing, you still had something to do[br]with

0:26:08.760,0:26:09.049
it.

0:26:09.049,0:26:12.000
You also need to be kind to yourself. Forgive

0:26:12.000,0:26:17.210
your mistakes. If you notice yourself being[br]very self-critical,

0:26:17.210,0:26:21.020
interrupt yourself. Notice what you did well,[br]in addition

0:26:21.020,0:26:22.539
to what you feel like you need to improve

0:26:22.539,0:26:23.210
on.

0:26:23.210,0:26:25.650
My wife's a middle-school English teacher.[br]And in her

0:26:25.650,0:26:28.100
classroom, she practices something that she[br]calls the compliment

0:26:28.100,0:26:31.820
sandwich. When she has to deliver some bad[br]news

0:26:31.820,0:26:33.140
to a student or tell them how they need

0:26:33.140,0:26:34.990
to improve their writing or, or something[br]like that,

0:26:34.990,0:26:38.500
she tells them first something they did really[br]well.

0:26:38.500,0:26:41.090
Then she delivers the improvement, and then[br]she tells

0:26:41.090,0:26:42.360
them something else they did really well.

0:26:42.360,0:26:44.429
Well, if you start doing this inside your[br]own

0:26:44.429,0:26:46.409
head, what'll happen is you'll have to find[br]something

0:26:46.409,0:26:49.470
you did well. Then you can indulge in that

0:26:49.470,0:26:52.620
self-criticism that feels so good to us. And[br]then

0:26:52.620,0:26:54.340
you tell yourself something else you did well.[br]And

0:26:54.340,0:26:56.980
over time, you'll notice that you start to[br]notice

0:26:56.980,0:26:59.600
your success more than the things that you[br]wish

0:26:59.600,0:27:02.370
you'd done better.

0:27:02.370,0:27:04.700
Another technique you can use is to ratchet[br]your

0:27:04.700,0:27:09.039
freak-out. And I use this one a lot this,

0:27:09.039,0:27:12.080
giving this talk. I mentioned that I moved[br]into

0:27:12.080,0:27:16.010
that fear and doubt and, cycle, pretty early[br]on.

0:27:16.010,0:27:18.429
Well, I made an agreement with myself that[br]I

0:27:18.429,0:27:20.470
was not gonna freak out until a week before

0:27:20.470,0:27:23.880
the conference.

0:27:23.880,0:27:26.990
And it actually worked pretty well. So, normally[br]when

0:27:26.990,0:27:28.679
I do something like this, I would freak out

0:27:28.679,0:27:30.480
a long time in advance. I would start worrying

0:27:30.480,0:27:32.140
about it and feeling like I wasn't gonna pull

0:27:32.140,0:27:33.950
it off. But I made an agreement with myself

0:27:33.950,0:27:35.840
that I wasn't gonna do that. And I sat

0:27:35.840,0:27:38.120
on it for awhile. And a week before the

0:27:38.120,0:27:40.190
conference. It actually worked. When it would[br]come up,

0:27:40.190,0:27:41.429
I would push it back down and say, you

0:27:41.429,0:27:42.760
get to freak out a week before the conference.

0:27:42.760,0:27:45.000
You don't get to freak out now. And then

0:27:45.000,0:27:46.470
the week before the conference got here and,[br]boy

0:27:46.470,0:27:49.200
did I freak out.

0:27:49.200,0:27:50.730
I stayed up till two in the morning most

0:27:50.730,0:27:53.630
nights not doing much of anything, but feeling[br]better

0:27:53.630,0:27:56.100
because I was doing something. Like I was[br]making

0:27:56.100,0:27:57.760
progress on my talk. It was very much a

0:27:57.760,0:28:01.520
coping mechanism. I wasn't accomplishing anything.[br]But instead of

0:28:01.520,0:28:03.840
doing that for a whole month, I only did

0:28:03.840,0:28:04.990
it for a week.

0:28:04.990,0:28:07.770
And the magic of this, is it lets you

0:28:07.770,0:28:12.150
be successful without freaking out for a month.[br]And

0:28:12.150,0:28:14.779
so you start to break down that superstition[br]that

0:28:14.779,0:28:16.150
you have to do a lot of freaking out

0:28:16.150,0:28:18.650
before you can be successful. You start to[br]chink

0:28:18.650,0:28:22.020
away at that bit by bit, until finally you

0:28:22.020,0:28:24.520
become convinced that it's not as necessary,[br]maybe, as

0:28:24.520,0:28:26.350
you believe it is.

0:28:26.350,0:28:31.470
Another thing is embrace vulnerability. Allow[br]yourself to admit

0:28:31.470,0:28:33.919
you don't know things and ask questions. If[br]you

0:28:33.919,0:28:35.740
don't know who that is in the background of

0:28:35.740,0:28:38.470
that slide, it's Renee Brown. If you haven't[br]seen

0:28:38.470,0:28:41.529
her TED talk, The Power of Vulnerability,[br]put that

0:28:41.529,0:28:44.450
very high on your to-do list.

0:28:44.450,0:28:46.900
I saw it probably two years ago, and it

0:28:46.900,0:28:49.779
was the start of my journey out of impostor

0:28:49.779,0:28:52.990
syndrome. Because it was the first time I'd[br]really

0:28:52.990,0:28:55.140
ever embraced the message that it was OK if

0:28:55.140,0:28:57.070
I wasn't perfect. It was OK if I didn't

0:28:57.070,0:29:00.510
know everything all the time.

0:29:00.510,0:29:02.520
When you start embracing vulnerability, it[br]frees you up

0:29:02.520,0:29:05.000
to be yourself, and to be OK with that.

0:29:05.000,0:29:09.100
To be OK with not knowing everything. And[br]once

0:29:09.100,0:29:11.480
you're comfortable with who you are, it gives[br]you

0:29:11.480,0:29:13.919
a much more solid foundation to build upon[br]and

0:29:13.919,0:29:16.500
to improve. Like, instead of trying to build[br]on

0:29:16.500,0:29:19.380
top of this shaky facade, you're building[br]on who

0:29:19.380,0:29:22.650
you actually are and what you actually know.

0:29:22.650,0:29:26.220
In the process of embracing vulnerability,[br]something you absolutely

0:29:26.220,0:29:30.679
need to try is pair programming. I don't have

0:29:30.679,0:29:32.250
a lot of time, but I will be more

0:29:32.250,0:29:33.850
than happy to pair with any of you if

0:29:33.850,0:29:35.190
I can find the time. Just ping me on

0:29:35.190,0:29:36.159
Twitter.

0:29:36.159,0:29:37.330
I'm lucky enough to be on a team that

0:29:37.330,0:29:40.460
does pair programming 100% of the time. And[br]what

0:29:40.460,0:29:43.669
you find, a coworker said this to me right

0:29:43.669,0:29:45.299
as I was walking in to give this talk.

0:29:45.299,0:29:49.470
What you find, is that knowledge becomes collective.[br]Not

0:29:49.470,0:29:51.049
something that you have to bring to the table

0:29:51.049,0:29:54.840
individually. So it's OK if you don't know[br]everything.

0:29:54.840,0:29:57.169
Your pair probably does. And there's no penalty[br]for

0:29:57.169,0:30:00.350
them knowing things and you not.

0:30:00.350,0:30:02.409
But it also makes you be vulnerable enough[br]to

0:30:02.409,0:30:04.309
work with somebody. Because if you're pair[br]programming with

0:30:04.309,0:30:08.450
somebody, there is no hiding. And it's really[br]the

0:30:08.450,0:30:12.390
first dose of having an accurate basis of[br]comparison

0:30:12.390,0:30:15.120
for my work that I ever had. Working with

0:30:15.120,0:30:18.090
somebody, seeing how they worked, seeing how[br]I worked.

0:30:18.090,0:30:19.429
Seeing how we did a lot of the same

0:30:19.429,0:30:23.289
things and approached problems the same ways,[br]convinced me

0:30:23.289,0:30:25.409
that maybe I wasn't that bad a developer after

0:30:25.409,0:30:26.529
all.

0:30:26.529,0:30:30.100
But most importantly, you gotta keep going.[br]You have

0:30:30.100,0:30:34.429
to keep going. The hell of impostor syndrome[br]is

0:30:34.429,0:30:38.480
that you are never fully recovered from it.[br]This

0:30:38.480,0:30:40.740
pattern of thought is so deeply ingrained[br]in your

0:30:40.740,0:30:44.880
head that is very hard to escape from. So

0:30:44.880,0:30:47.070
what you're working towards is becoming what[br]I like

0:30:47.070,0:30:51.380
to call a high-functioning impostor.

0:30:51.380,0:30:52.580
I've alluded to the fact that I have been

0:30:52.580,0:30:54.480
my own walking case study in the development[br]of

0:30:54.480,0:30:56.700
this talk. So, clearly I am not out of

0:30:56.700,0:30:59.120
the woods. Clearly, I still experience most[br]of these

0:30:59.120,0:31:03.460
things on a very regular basis. The difference[br]is,

0:31:03.460,0:31:06.070
I can work through it enough to be able

0:31:06.070,0:31:09.010
to get up and give a talk, or to,

0:31:09.010,0:31:12.309
to ship code and know it's actually decent[br]code.

0:31:12.309,0:31:14.700
And everybody can do this. It's not that hard.

0:31:14.700,0:31:17.000
You just have to start working through it[br]and

0:31:17.000,0:31:19.130
continue working through it and not giving[br]up when

0:31:19.130,0:31:21.600
it's hard and continue pushing against it.

0:31:21.600,0:31:23.409
The last thing I want to leave you with

0:31:23.409,0:31:27.179
is this. I talked about Dunning-Kruger effect[br]earlier. The

0:31:27.179,0:31:30.870
thing that you need to remember about impostor[br]syndrome

0:31:30.870,0:31:32.419
is you have a lot of very smart people

0:31:32.419,0:31:36.190
around you saying very nice things about you.[br]If

0:31:36.190,0:31:39.750
you believe that these people are full of[br]crap,

0:31:39.750,0:31:42.570
then you're saying that they're not smart[br]enough to

0:31:42.570,0:31:45.460
see through you. They're not good enough at[br]reading

0:31:45.460,0:31:48.850
code to tell that your code is terrible. And

0:31:48.850,0:31:50.240
these are also the people that serve as your

0:31:50.240,0:31:52.240
basis of comparison. So you're looking around[br]at all

0:31:52.240,0:31:54.360
these people that are very smart, and these[br]are

0:31:54.360,0:31:56.070
the people that you feel like you might be

0:31:56.070,0:31:57.460
inferior to.

0:31:57.460,0:31:59.840
Well, you're saying these people that you,[br]that you

0:31:59.840,0:32:02.470
consider to be smarter than you are not smart

0:32:02.470,0:32:06.039
enough to see through this facade. They are.[br]And

0:32:06.039,0:32:08.360
they're not, because there's no facade there.[br]So the

0:32:08.360,0:32:12.640
fact that you experience impostor syndrome[br]pretty much means

0:32:12.640,0:32:15.169
that you have no reason to experience impostor[br]syndrome.

0:32:15.169,0:32:17.020
It means you know enough about your skill[br]and

0:32:17.020,0:32:20.520
your craft to see your shortcomings and you[br]just

0:32:20.520,0:32:22.169
need to focus more on the things that you

0:32:22.169,0:32:23.309
know and the value that you bring to the

0:32:23.309,0:32:25.110
table.

0:32:25.110,0:32:27.580
Give yourself credit for that and focus less[br]on

0:32:27.580,0:32:29.020
the things that you still have to learn. Because

0:32:29.020,0:32:30.399
you have a long career ahead of you. You

0:32:30.399,0:32:33.120
don't have to know it all now.

0:32:33.120,0:32:33.559
Thanks.