WEBVTT 00:15:31.937 --> 00:15:36.460 (掌聲) NOTE Paragraph 00:00:00.730 --> 00:00:03.424 最壞嘅情況會變成點? 00:00:04.336 --> 00:00:06.558 大概喺十年前 00:00:06.582 --> 00:00:10.307 我坐喺一個非常凍嘅診症室 00:00:10.331 --> 00:00:12.828 等我嘅腫瘤醫生 00:00:12.852 --> 00:00:14.787 我好驚 00:00:14.811 --> 00:00:18.788 即使我嘅另一半當時就坐喺我嘅右手邊 00:00:18.812 --> 00:00:20.787 我仲係覺得好孤獨 00:00:21.298 --> 00:00:24.284 我啱啱被確診有乳腺瘤 00:00:24.308 --> 00:00:25.934 似乎同時 00:00:25.958 --> 00:00:30.131 掃描圖上我右肺上有一個白點 00:00:30.155 --> 00:00:33.090 意味著我嘅癌症已經開始擴散 00:00:33.719 --> 00:00:36.123 我患咗擴散咗嘅乳腺癌 00:00:36.701 --> 00:00:39.166 當時我仲未開始我嘅醫學培訓 00:00:39.190 --> 00:00:41.280 但我知如果呢個結果係真嘅 00:00:42.076 --> 00:00:44.360 會係無藥可治嘅乳腺瘤 00:00:45.745 --> 00:00:48.263 係末期嘅乳腺瘤 00:00:48.988 --> 00:00:51.390 我當時只有 27 歲 00:00:51.414 --> 00:00:54.075 啱啱有醫學院錄取咗我 00:00:54.099 --> 00:00:57.357 但我要思考我嘅人生係咪走向咗盡頭 NOTE Paragraph 00:00:58.438 --> 00:01:03.006 我嘅腫瘤醫生唔係一個好熱情嘅人 00:01:04.117 --> 00:01:06.371 佢比較注重客觀事實 00:01:06.395 --> 00:01:08.774 就好似其他專業嘅醫生一樣 00:01:09.747 --> 00:01:13.623 佢啱開口講「我哋嘅身體 係由好多細胞組成嘅……」 00:01:14.361 --> 00:01:15.941 我就打斷佢,我話 00:01:16.385 --> 00:01:18.574 「我就快開始讀醫學院, 00:01:18.598 --> 00:01:19.828 所以我知。」 00:01:20.796 --> 00:01:25.493 佢無繼續講 00:01:25.517 --> 00:01:27.227 而係直接進入正題 00:01:27.251 --> 00:01:29.704 佢話我要開始進行化療 00:01:29.728 --> 00:01:31.188 去控制住癌症 00:01:31.212 --> 00:01:34.744 佢開始講藥物嘅細節同副作用 00:01:34.768 --> 00:01:35.963 仲有成個療程 00:01:36.542 --> 00:01:40.504 我提佢佢仲未幫我肺部嘅白點做活檢 00:01:40.528 --> 00:01:44.474 真係可以確認我有癌症? NOTE Paragraph 00:01:45.282 --> 00:01:50.748 我記得佢當時對我嘅問題表現震驚 00:01:50.772 --> 00:01:54.266 或者佢當時認為我唔係好信佢 00:01:54.290 --> 00:01:56.852 甚至認為我否認佢講嘅嘢 00:01:57.935 --> 00:02:01.372 但我只係想令佢明白,作為佢嘅病人 00:02:01.420 --> 00:02:06.754 活檢唔係單純一個形式 用嚟證明已成定局嘅結論 00:02:06.754 --> 00:02:11.057 佢仲係一條鋼針 穿過皮膚、肌肉同骨 00:02:11.105 --> 00:02:15.377 會令我更加深刻噉意識到呢個問題 00:02:15.377 --> 00:02:18.251 一個我希望無遇到嘅問題 00:02:18.275 --> 00:02:22.540 活檢之前,我係一個 27 歲嘅女人 00:02:22.564 --> 00:02:25.578 或者我嘅乳腺癌會擴散 00:02:25.602 --> 00:02:29.023 或者我嘅乳腺癌已經擴散咗 00:02:29.047 --> 00:02:31.427 呢兩樣嘢係有關鍵性嘅分別 00:02:31.451 --> 00:02:35.917 但係最精英嘅腫瘤學培訓裡面 無人會強調呢一點 00:02:36.774 --> 00:02:40.771 所以佢無視我嘅問題 而係決定直接開始治療 00:02:40.795 --> 00:02:42.487 僅僅幾個禮拜之後 NOTE Paragraph 00:02:43.531 --> 00:02:47.185 自從第一次確診後 好多事情都隨之而來 00:02:47.209 --> 00:02:50.459 諷刺嘅係,活檢不單止係一種形式 00:02:50.483 --> 00:02:53.514 我之前嘅腫瘤醫生係啱嘅 NOTE Paragraph 00:02:53.538 --> 00:02:54.661 (笑聲) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:54.685 --> 00:02:56.273 確實係癌症 00:02:56.297 --> 00:03:00.237 不過係完全唔同嘅肺癌 00:03:00.261 --> 00:03:02.256 聽起身好瘋狂係咪? 00:03:02.280 --> 00:03:04.996 一個好消息係 00:03:05.020 --> 00:03:07.596 我無擴散性乳腺癌 00:03:07.620 --> 00:03:09.909 我係有兩種唔同嘅癌症 00:03:09.933 --> 00:03:12.377 但呢兩種癌症都係局部性嘅 00:03:12.401 --> 00:03:14.655 而肺癌嘅局部範圍細到 00:03:14.679 --> 00:03:16.563 可以被移除 00:03:16.587 --> 00:03:20.258 所以治療從肺部手術開始 00:03:20.282 --> 00:03:21.996 跟著就係化療 00:03:22.020 --> 00:03:26.228 我 28 歲生日後做咗胸部手術 NOTE Paragraph 00:03:26.925 --> 00:03:28.623 兩個禮拜後 00:03:29.298 --> 00:03:31.355 我開始去醫學院返學 00:03:32.360 --> 00:03:34.675 我有一個新嘅腫瘤醫生…… NOTE Paragraph 00:03:34.699 --> 00:03:35.733 (笑聲) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:35.757 --> 00:03:40.626 佢同我嘅溝通比較愉快 佢講咗啲客觀事實,同對我影響 00:03:40.650 --> 00:03:42.138 佢建議埋我 00:03:42.162 --> 00:03:46.195 應該延遲一年入學 00:03:46.219 --> 00:03:49.954 將時間用喺休息、康復度 00:03:49.978 --> 00:03:51.793 我接納咗佢嘅意見 00:03:51.817 --> 00:03:56.442 喺高強度嘅化療過程中,我覺得好痛苦 00:03:56.466 --> 00:03:58.077 我寫信畀醫學院嘅院長 00:03:58.101 --> 00:04:00.125 解釋咗我嘅情況 00:04:00.149 --> 00:04:02.648 我嘅延期申請好快就批咗 NOTE Paragraph 00:04:03.460 --> 00:04:05.945 我稍微好少少嘅時候 00:04:05.969 --> 00:04:09.232 我開始思考 呢一年嘅時間裡我應該做咩呢 00:04:09.804 --> 00:04:12.201 我應該去海灘嗎 NOTE Paragraph 00:04:12.225 --> 00:04:13.257 (笑聲) NOTE Paragraph 00:04:13.281 --> 00:04:15.704 但其實我唔係一個鍾意去海灘嘅人 NOTE Paragraph 00:04:15.728 --> 00:04:16.806 (笑聲) NOTE Paragraph 00:04:16.830 --> 00:04:20.851 我仲有幾多年命呢 00:04:20.875 --> 00:04:23.029 我真係好想去醫學院讀書 00:04:23.053 --> 00:04:25.869 呢件事就好似我人生裡面 唔見咗嘅一塊拼圖 NOTE Paragraph 00:04:26.474 --> 00:04:30.018 與其猶豫不決 00:04:30.042 --> 00:04:33.044 我開始問自己,最壞嘅情況會係點 00:04:33.068 --> 00:04:36.882 或者我可能會太虛弱或者 病得太嚴重而無法學習 00:04:36.906 --> 00:04:39.328 或者我會情緒崩潰 00:04:39.352 --> 00:04:42.279 或者我會考試唔過 00:04:42.303 --> 00:04:45.901 但我諗,呢啲一定唔會係 發生喺我身上最壞嘅事 00:04:45.925 --> 00:04:47.341 更加唔會係嗰一年裡發生最壞嘅事 00:04:47.365 --> 00:04:50.142 咁點解唔返學校呢 00:04:50.166 --> 00:04:54.123 咁點解唔按照我想要嘅方式去生活呢 00:04:54.671 --> 00:04:56.218 所以我決定好 NOTE Paragraph 00:04:56.242 --> 00:04:58.221 當時我無頭髮又瘦骨嶙峋 00:04:58.245 --> 00:05:01.894 我戴我最好嘅耳環,著我最鍾意嘅裙 00:05:01.918 --> 00:05:03.624 開始返去讀書 00:05:03.648 --> 00:05:05.807 我扮我係屬於嗰度嘅 00:05:05.831 --> 00:05:07.292 然後就開始啦 00:05:07.918 --> 00:05:11.029 我唔知點形容有幾困難 00:05:11.053 --> 00:05:13.509 有啲日子我甚至覺得 無辦法繼續支撐落去 00:05:14.082 --> 00:05:18.336 我感覺我喺度做啲對未來無意義嘅事 00:05:18.336 --> 00:05:21.804 每一日,我都會問自己 你仲享受呢啲嗎? 00:05:21.804 --> 00:05:23.963 呢啲仲係你想做嘅事情嗎? 00:05:24.451 --> 00:05:26.651 每一日我嘅答案都係,係嘅 00:05:26.675 --> 00:05:29.175 有時候係一個有條件嘅肯定 00:05:29.199 --> 00:05:30.619 但佢仍然係一個肯定 NOTE Paragraph 00:05:31.079 --> 00:05:33.465 然後我嘅身體舒服咗少少 00:05:33.489 --> 00:05:37.208 然後我覺得 或者我都唔一定唔可以畢業 00:05:37.232 --> 00:05:40.377 然後,我收到更差嘅消息 00:05:40.401 --> 00:05:47.032 我嘅 TP53 或簡稱 P53 基因發生咗突變 00:05:47.056 --> 00:05:49.618 呢個基因係一種守護基因嘅…… 00:05:49.642 --> 00:05:50.934 一種突變 00:05:50.958 --> 00:05:55.782 P53 負責監督我們基因嘅修復 00:05:56.190 --> 00:05:59.690 基因突變意味著錯誤已經唔可以被修正 00:05:59.740 --> 00:06:03.652 因此正常嘅細胞變成 癌細胞嘅可能性會高好多 00:06:04.358 --> 00:06:06.250 得知呢件事情嘅時候好突然 00:06:06.274 --> 00:06:09.196 我嘅醫學常識帶畀我一種好差嘅感覺 00:06:09.544 --> 00:06:14.044 細個嘅時候、喺我七歲嘅時候 患過一種癌︰橫紋肌肉瘤 00:06:14.068 --> 00:06:16.074 喺我青少年時期又複發咗一次 00:06:16.098 --> 00:06:19.709 呢啲都係喺 P53 被實驗室發現之前 00:06:20.221 --> 00:06:23.661 跟住,我患咗年輕成年人嘅 乳腺癌同肺癌 NOTE Paragraph 00:06:24.373 --> 00:06:26.502 得知基因突變呢件事之後 00:06:26.526 --> 00:06:29.023 喺我可以預見嘅未來裡面 00:06:29.047 --> 00:06:32.164 我睇唔到呢一切嘅盡頭 00:06:33.414 --> 00:06:34.749 然後 00:06:34.773 --> 00:06:38.753 我決定成為一個放射腫瘤學家 NOTE Paragraph 00:06:38.777 --> 00:06:39.841 (笑聲) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:39.865 --> 00:06:43.885 我希望幾個月後當我從住院部實習結束 00:06:43.909 --> 00:06:45.384 可以去一個新城市 00:06:45.408 --> 00:06:49.814 開始我嘅第一份醫生同研究者嘅工作 00:06:50.882 --> 00:06:53.265 因為毅力 00:06:53.289 --> 00:06:54.910 因為大家對我嘅優待 00:06:54.934 --> 00:06:57.317 因為治療 00:06:57.341 --> 00:07:01.804 因為我嘅醫療團隊 我嘅家庭同我嘅教授 00:07:02.595 --> 00:07:06.704 因為基因診斷畀我哋嘅知識 00:07:06.728 --> 00:07:08.046 我需要繼續向前 NOTE Paragraph 00:07:08.683 --> 00:07:11.701 即使喺 2020 年 00:07:11.725 --> 00:07:16.406 仲係無奇蹟療法同醫學突破 00:07:16.993 --> 00:07:20.043 而嗰次基因診斷報告嘅壞消息 00:07:20.067 --> 00:07:23.314 意味著我要學識同不確定性共存 00:07:24.028 --> 00:07:29.621 意味著了解你同你嘅病情 唔算最壞嘅事 00:07:30.481 --> 00:07:32.393 學識同不確定性共存 00:07:32.417 --> 00:07:34.791 意味著向著生活向前行 00:07:34.815 --> 00:07:39.334 充滿美好但都充滿挑戰 00:07:39.911 --> 00:07:44.856 亦都意味著你要認識到 癌症只不過係你故事裡嘅一個部分 00:07:44.880 --> 00:07:47.392 或者唔係發生喺你身上最壞嘅事 00:07:47.416 --> 00:07:49.323 假如係,都無乜大不了 00:07:49.347 --> 00:07:51.816 你會承認你嘅命運,然後掌握佢 00:07:51.840 --> 00:07:55.572 令佢成為你可以同人講嘅故事 00:07:55.596 --> 00:07:58.634 除咗你無人可以規定你係成為一個乜嘢人 00:07:58.658 --> 00:08:02.896 即使你手裡有學業延期書 都要按照自己嘅意願去用 NOTE Paragraph 00:08:04.353 --> 00:08:07.075 我就快要完成我腫瘤科課業嘅時候 00:08:07.099 --> 00:08:10.537 我腦一次又一次浮現咗以下場景: 00:08:10.561 --> 00:08:12.531 有個病人有咗癌症 00:08:12.555 --> 00:08:14.317 有好幾種選擇 00:08:14.365 --> 00:08:20.310 所有嘅選擇都提供咗一種 治愈同生活質素之間嘅平衡 00:08:20.310 --> 00:08:24.166 係減輕痛苦 00:08:24.190 --> 00:08:27.098 同加劇痛苦之間嘅平衡 00:08:27.122 --> 00:08:29.202 一個腫瘤學家列出咗啲選擇 00:08:29.226 --> 00:08:32.540 但係,事情有時候會有改變 00:08:32.564 --> 00:08:34.614 事情最終可能會變成 00:08:34.638 --> 00:08:37.957 「你揀咗做一啲事, 00:08:37.981 --> 00:08:40.566 或者你選擇乜都唔做, 00:08:41.394 --> 00:08:45.735 我哋可能好積極噉醫好你嘅癌症, 00:08:45.759 --> 00:08:47.117 或者我哋可以只係睇住癌症發展落去。」 00:08:47.844 --> 00:08:50.412 而超過 99% 嘅病人會話 00:08:50.436 --> 00:08:54.050 我會做所有嘢 00:08:54.655 --> 00:08:56.350 當然啦 00:08:56.374 --> 00:08:59.741 邊個唔想做所有嘢呢 NOTE Paragraph 00:09:00.446 --> 00:09:02.049 但係所有嘢又係咩? 00:09:02.781 --> 00:09:08.424 係指坐喺自己屋企嘅窗口外面 00:09:08.448 --> 00:09:11.577 一邊同家人團聚,一邊灑太陽? 00:09:12.041 --> 00:09:16.043 係指喺手腳仲未因為化療變僵硬之前 00:09:16.067 --> 00:09:18.749 仲感受到自己手同腳? 00:09:19.719 --> 00:09:24.061 作為腫瘤學家 我哋所做嘅一切都係癌症治療 00:09:24.672 --> 00:09:29.962 係電療、手術、化療同新療法 00:09:29.986 --> 00:09:32.383 而對於我哋,最壞嘅事情可能會發生 00:09:32.407 --> 00:09:35.121 我聽過唔止一位腫瘤學家講 00:09:35.145 --> 00:09:36.731 最壞嘅事情可能係 00:09:36.755 --> 00:09:39.715 患者嘅癌細胞擴散 00:09:39.739 --> 00:09:43.306 或者係,五年之後 00:09:43.330 --> 00:09:46.417 癌症會變嚴重,我必須做更多嘅化療 NOTE Paragraph 00:09:47.047 --> 00:09:49.667 作為一個患者同一個腫瘤學家 00:09:49.691 --> 00:09:53.843 我從來唔會去否定呢啲係傷心嘅打擊 00:09:53.867 --> 00:09:55.779 但係咪最壞? 00:09:56.192 --> 00:09:58.691 控制癌症 00:09:58.715 --> 00:10:01.942 應該一直係我們腦海最重要嘅嘢嗎? NOTE Paragraph 00:10:03.727 --> 00:10:10.727 好多難以形容,難以理解嘅殘酷嘅事情 曾經發生喺我身上 00:10:10.751 --> 00:10:14.357 因為我嘅癌症,我嘅基因突變 00:10:14.845 --> 00:10:19.031 但依家,我認為我自己十分幸運 00:10:19.055 --> 00:10:22.063 因為最壞嘅事情無發生 00:10:22.902 --> 00:10:28.183 因為我已經面對到個衝擊同不確定性 00:10:28.207 --> 00:10:30.712 而且將佢哋擺埋一邊 00:10:30.736 --> 00:10:33.348 當我被確診為擴散性乳腺癌嘅時侯 00:10:33.372 --> 00:10:37.539 我想尋求第二種意見而去咗波士頓 因為,我仲有咩可以失去? 00:10:37.563 --> 00:10:40.533 當我嘅醫生畀咗我非常好、非常安全 00:10:40.557 --> 00:10:41.935 非常標準嘅建議嘅時候 00:10:41.959 --> 00:10:44.171 我仲係不顧一切咁開始咗 我嘅醫學院生涯 00:10:44.195 --> 00:10:47.207 即使我同時承受緊癌症治療嘅痛苦 NOTE Paragraph 00:10:48.390 --> 00:10:51.402 我無選擇避開癌症患者 00:10:51.426 --> 00:10:53.768 我成為咗一個放射性腫瘤醫生 00:10:53.792 --> 00:10:56.255 我嘅工作需要我 同我好相似嘅癌症患者相處 00:10:56.279 --> 00:10:57.622 每一日都要 00:10:58.325 --> 00:11:03.534 與其想像有一日,我帶畀我伴侶嘅傷痛 00:11:03.558 --> 00:11:05.620 因為我可能會死於癌症 00:11:05.644 --> 00:11:08.557 我嫁咗畀一個很好嘅丈夫 00:11:09.398 --> 00:11:11.475 最壞情況 00:11:11.499 --> 00:11:14.728 永遠都係一系列嘅負面情緒 00:11:14.752 --> 00:11:16.859 又或者咁講,空白鍵 00:11:16.883 --> 00:11:18.974 係需要被生活填滿 NOTE Paragraph 00:11:20.351 --> 00:11:26.498 所以我喺呢種超級不確定 學到最有用嘅係乜呢? 00:11:27.656 --> 00:11:30.800 呢個係威廉 00:11:32.064 --> 00:11:37.692 佢係我認識嘅人裡面,最快樂嘅人 00:11:38.691 --> 00:11:43.857 僅僅一年嘅時間內 佢令呢個世界變得更好 NOTE Paragraph 00:11:46.341 --> 00:11:50.263 作為腫瘤學家,我哋同病人交流時 00:11:50.287 --> 00:11:52.188 講到最壞嘅事都離唔開 00:11:52.212 --> 00:11:54.490 佢哋可能癌症復發 00:11:54.514 --> 00:11:57.598 或者可能癌症擴散 或者佢哋因為癌症而死 00:11:58.071 --> 00:12:00.888 作為一個病人,我知道噉係最壞嘅結果 00:12:00.912 --> 00:12:03.812 但我想改變我哋思考呢個問題嘅方式 00:12:03.836 --> 00:12:07.600 我想轉變我哋同病人 講起呢件事時嘅方式 00:12:08.171 --> 00:12:09.702 作為一名病人 00:12:09.726 --> 00:12:14.545 最壞嘅事係癌症掠奪咗你嘅機會 00:12:14.569 --> 00:12:16.564 去活出你自己 00:12:16.588 --> 00:12:17.901 去做你嘅嘢 00:12:17.925 --> 00:12:19.442 去愛你嘅人 00:12:20.044 --> 00:12:21.570 癌症確實可以掠奪 00:12:21.594 --> 00:12:24.276 至少暫時會 00:12:24.802 --> 00:12:28.032 但為咗將生活嘅損失最小化 00:12:28.056 --> 00:12:34.432 雖然咁樣好難,但我想講 腫瘤學家真正嘅工作 00:12:34.456 --> 00:12:38.820 係將我哋手中有嘅資源同工具 00:12:38.844 --> 00:12:41.461 用喺病人嘅生命裏邊 00:12:41.485 --> 00:12:45.505 教佢哋點樣面對痛苦 00:12:45.529 --> 00:12:47.713 對佢哋所承受嘅痛苦有同理心 00:12:47.737 --> 00:12:52.820 但唔好畀恐懼奪去未來嘅人生旅程 NOTE Paragraph 00:12:54.053 --> 00:12:58.525 我嘅一個導師成日話 同病人講醫治嗰部分係好簡單嘅 00:12:59.571 --> 00:13:03.491 雖然年輕醫生唔係噉睇 00:13:03.515 --> 00:13:06.104 但佢又講得幾啱 00:13:06.695 --> 00:13:12.680 我哋喺醫院駐院嗰陣會有 好勁嘅學術指引帶著我哋 00:13:13.695 --> 00:13:20.686 但更難嘅部分係點樣幫助病人 度過各種各樣嘅難關 00:13:20.710 --> 00:13:22.876 包括佢哋嘅病痛 NOTE Paragraph 00:13:24.548 --> 00:13:29.618 所以我發現回憶非常有趣 00:13:29.642 --> 00:13:32.380 我嘅人生睇起嚟就好似一個好好嘅計劃 00:13:32.938 --> 00:13:37.134 睇上去我將每一步都計劃得好好 00:13:37.158 --> 00:13:41.620 呢啲可能就係癌症帶畀我生活好嘅嘢 00:13:42.465 --> 00:13:45.672 第一步:申請醫學院 00:13:45.696 --> 00:13:49.107 第二步:確診,治療癌症 00:13:49.131 --> 00:13:54.010 第三步:擁有事業同一個家庭 00:13:55.266 --> 00:13:57.187 但我仲想話畀你知 00:13:57.941 --> 00:14:02.586 每一個階段都係信心嘅提升 00:14:02.610 --> 00:14:06.868 就算就快俾不確定嘅事麻痺 00:14:08.102 --> 00:14:09.798 就係呢種勇氣 00:14:09.822 --> 00:14:12.698 我都努力將勇氣帶畀我每一個病人 00:14:13.287 --> 00:14:19.675 我努力忽略癌症嘅技術性治療細節 00:14:19.675 --> 00:14:21.401 仲有嗰啲基因突變 00:14:21.425 --> 00:14:25.831 無視嗰啲預測可以帶畀我哋嘅後果 00:14:26.637 --> 00:14:29.483 我嘗試去了解患者想要嘅 00:14:29.507 --> 00:14:31.444 同需要嘅嘢 00:14:31.468 --> 00:14:34.886 患者渴望嘅同擔心嘅事 00:14:36.239 --> 00:14:39.122 仲有患者夢想追求嘅嘢 00:14:40.400 --> 00:14:43.258 有咩令佢哋以前好開心 00:14:43.282 --> 00:14:49.901 以及有乜可以支撐佢哋 捱過可怕嘅癌症治療 00:14:51.082 --> 00:14:54.538 呢啲嘢都唔需要花太多時間 00:14:55.746 --> 00:15:00.342 只需要花少少注意力同幾個安靜嘅片刻 00:15:00.366 --> 00:15:03.803 同時都需要有意識嘅培養 00:15:04.956 --> 00:15:07.430 而最重要嘅係醫生同病人嘅合作關係嚟 00:15:08.487 --> 00:15:10.482 呢樣嘢最重要 00:15:11.538 --> 00:15:14.587 因為最壞嘅事 00:15:14.611 --> 00:15:24.103 係有腫瘤醫生做咗所有嘢去醫你嘅癌症 00:15:24.103 --> 00:15:29.019 而你又乜都唔做去改善你嘅生活 NOTE Paragraph 00:15:30.587 --> 00:15:31.913 多謝