[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:01.17,0:00:02.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hello, everyone.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.53,0:00:04.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sawubona.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.41,0:00:10.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In South Africa, where I come from,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.64,0:00:13.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"sawubona" is the Zulu word for "hello."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.12,0:00:16.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a beautiful and powerful\Nintention behind the word
Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.87,0:00:19.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because "sawubona"\Nliterally translated means,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.12,0:00:22.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I see you, and by seeing you,\NI bring you into being."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.54,0:00:26.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So beautiful, imagine\Nbeing greeted like that.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.09,0:00:31.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what does it take\Nin the way we see ourselves?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.04,0:00:33.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.81,0:00:35.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that help us to thrive
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.16,0:00:38.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in an increasingly complex\Nand fraught world?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.96,0:00:42.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This crucial question has been\Nat the center of my life's work.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.81,0:00:46.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because how we deal\Nwith our inner world drives everything.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.59,0:00:49.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every aspect of how we love, how we live,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.81,0:00:51.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how we parent and how we lead.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.70,0:00:56.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The conventional view\Nof emotions as good or bad,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.50,0:00:58.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,positive or negative,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.20,0:00:59.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is rigid.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.77,0:01:03.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And rigidity in the face\Nof complexity is toxic.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.09,0:01:07.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need greater levels\Nof emotional agility
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.41,0:01:09.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for true resilience and thriving.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.30,0:01:12.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My journey with this calling
Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.01,0:01:16.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,began not in the hallowed halls\Nof a university,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.65,0:01:18.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but in the messy, tender business of life.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.73,0:01:23.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I grew up in the white suburbs\Nof apartheid South Africa,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.39,0:01:26.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a country and community\Ncommitted to not seeing.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.93,0:01:28.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To denial.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.58,0:01:33.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's denial that makes 50 years\Nof racist legislation possible
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.15,0:01:36.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while people convince themselves\Nthat they are doing nothing wrong.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.46,0:01:41.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet, I first learned\Nof the destructive power of denial
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.29,0:01:42.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at a personal level,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.12,0:01:47.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,before I understood what it was doing\Nto the country of my birth.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.85,0:01:51.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My father died on a Friday.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.56,0:01:54.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was 42 years old and I was 15.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.80,0:01:58.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mother whispered to me to go\Nand say goodbye to my father
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.66,0:02:00.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,before I went to school.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.23,0:02:03.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I put my backpack down\Nand walked the passage that ran through
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.83,0:02:06.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to where the heart of our home\Nmy father lay dying of cancer.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.53,0:02:10.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,His eyes were closed,\Nbut he knew I was there.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.100,0:02:13.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In his presence, I had always felt seen.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.33,0:02:15.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I told him I loved him,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.81,0:02:18.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,said goodbye and headed off for my day.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.98,0:02:24.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At school, I drifted from science\Nto mathematics to history to biology,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.10,0:02:26.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as my father slipped from the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.89,0:02:29.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,From May to July to September to November,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.71,0:02:31.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went about with my usual smile.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.25,0:02:34.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't drop a single grade.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.67,0:02:38.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When asked how I was doing,\NI would shrug and say, "OK."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.29,0:02:41.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was praised for being strong.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.11,0:02:44.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was the master of being OK.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.67,0:02:48.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But back home, we struggled --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.28,0:02:51.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my father hadn't been able\Nto keep his small business going
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.07,0:02:52.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,during his illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.25,0:02:55.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And my mother, alone,\Nwas grieving the love of her life
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.31,0:02:56.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,trying to raise three children,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.81,0:02:58.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the creditors were knocking.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.36,0:03:03.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We felt, as a family, financially\Nand emotionally ravaged.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.55,0:03:07.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I began to spiral down,\Nisolated, fast.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.80,0:03:11.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I started to use food to numb my pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.73,0:03:14.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Binging and purging.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.89,0:03:18.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Refusing to accept\Nthe full weight of my grief.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.12,0:03:23.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No one knew, and in a culture\Nthat values relentless positivity,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.39,0:03:25.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought that no one wanted to know.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.34,0:03:31.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But one person did not buy into\Nmy story of triumph over grief.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.75,0:03:36.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My eighth-grade English teacher\Nfixed me with burning blue eyes
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.29,0:03:38.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as she handed out blank notebooks.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:39.60,0:03:42.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "Write what you're feeling.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.11,0:03:44.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tell the truth.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.88,0:03:46.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Write like nobody's reading."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.09,0:03:49.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And just like that,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.33,0:03:52.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was invited to show up\Nauthentically to my grief and pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.40,0:03:55.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a simple act
Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.74,0:03:58.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but nothing short of a revolution for me.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.04,0:04:03.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was this revolution\Nthat started in this blank notebook
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.36,0:04:05.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,30 years ago
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.63,0:04:07.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that shaped my life's work.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.12,0:04:11.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The secret, silent\Ncorrespondence with myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.66,0:04:13.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like a gymnast,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.86,0:04:18.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I started to move beyond\Nthe rigidity of denial
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.41,0:04:20.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into what I've now come to call
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.54,0:04:22.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,emotional agility.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.19,0:04:29.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Life's beauty is inseparable\Nfrom its fragility.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.04,0:04:32.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are young until we are not.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.81,0:04:35.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We walk down the streets sexy
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.70,0:04:38.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,until one day we realize\Nthat we are unseen.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.49,0:04:43.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We nag our children and one day realize
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.73,0:04:45.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that there is silence\Nwhere that child once was,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.01,0:04:47.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,now making his or her way in the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.01,0:04:53.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are healthy until a diagnosis\Nbrings us to our knees.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.01,0:04:57.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The only certainty is uncertainty,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.38,0:05:00.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet we are not navigating\Nthis frailty successfully or sustainably.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.16,0:05:05.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The World Health Organization\Ntells us that depression
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.20,0:05:08.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is now the single leading cause\Nof disability globally --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.58,0:05:11.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,outstripping cancer,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.41,0:05:13.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,outstripping heart disease.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.41,0:05:18.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at a time of greater complexity,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.53,0:05:22.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,unprecedented technological,\Npolitical and economic change,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.90,0:05:24.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are seeing how people's tendency
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.70,0:05:28.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is more and more to lock down\Ninto rigid responses to their emotions.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.37,0:05:33.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On the one hand we might\Nobsessively brood on our feelings.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.39,0:05:36.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Getting stuck inside our heads.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.74,0:05:38.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hooked on being right.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.08,0:05:41.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or victimized by our news feed.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.12,0:05:45.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On the other, we might\Nbottle our emotions,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.17,0:05:47.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,pushing them aside
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.18,0:05:50.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and permitting only those emotions\Ndeemed legitimate.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.07,0:05:55.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In a survey I recently conducted\Nwith over 70,000 people,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.26,0:05:56.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I found that a third of us --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.70,0:05:58.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a third --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.47,0:06:04.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,either judge ourselves for having\Nso-called "bad emotions,"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.39,0:06:06.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like sadness,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.21,0:06:08.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,anger or even grief.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.06,0:06:13.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or actively try to push aside\Nthese feelings.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.27,0:06:16.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We do this not only to ourselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.95,0:06:19.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but also to people we love,\Nlike our children --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.22,0:06:23.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we may inadvertently shame them\Nout of emotions seen as negative,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.85,0:06:25.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,jump to a solution,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.90,0:06:27.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and fail to help them
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.40,0:06:30.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to see these emotions\Nas inherently valuable.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.03,0:06:38.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Normal, natural emotions\Nare now seen as good or bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:40.47,0:06:44.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And being positive has become\Na new form of moral correctness.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.52,0:06:51.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People with cancer are automatically told\Nto just stay positive.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.43,0:06:57.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Women, to stop being so angry.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.19,0:07:00.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the list goes on.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.00,0:07:03.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a tyranny.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.30,0:07:06.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a tyranny of positivity.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.75,0:07:10.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's cruel.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.02,0:07:12.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Unkind.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.26,0:07:14.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And ineffective.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.73,0:07:18.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we do it to ourselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.28,0:07:19.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we do it to others.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.37,0:07:24.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If there's one common feature
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.09,0:07:27.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of brooding, bottling\Nor false positivity, it's this:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:28.67,0:07:31.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they are all rigid responses.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.59,0:07:34.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if there's a single\Nlesson we can learn
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.69,0:07:37.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the inevitable fall of apartheid
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.51,0:07:40.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is that rigid denial doesn't work.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.64,0:07:42.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's unsustainable.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.97,0:07:46.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For individuals, for families,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.86,0:07:48.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for societies.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.78,0:07:52.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as we watch the ice caps melt,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.89,0:07:55.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is unsustainable for our planet.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.83,0:07:59.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Research on emotional suppression shows
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.72,0:08:02.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that when emotions\Nare pushed aside or ignored,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:02.71,0:08:03.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they get stronger.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.66,0:08:06.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Psychologists call this amplification.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.90,0:08:10.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like that delicious chocolate cake\Nin the refrigerator --
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.06,0:08:12.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the more you try to ignore it ...
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.12,0:08:17.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.74,0:08:20.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the greater its hold on you.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.62,0:08:26.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You might think you're in control\Nof unwanted emotions when you ignore them,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.22,0:08:28.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but in fact they control you.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.13,0:08:32.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Internal pain always comes out.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.07,0:08:34.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Always.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.86,0:08:36.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And who pays the price?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:37.24,0:08:38.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We do.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.67,0:08:39.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our children,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.70,0:08:41.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our colleagues,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.35,0:08:44.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our communities.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.35,0:08:50.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, don't get me wrong.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.20,0:08:52.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not anti-happiness.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.21,0:08:55.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like being happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.55,0:08:57.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm a pretty happy person.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.18,0:09:03.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But when we push aside normal emotions\Nto embrace false positivity,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.98,0:09:08.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we lose our capacity to develop skills\Nto deal with the world as it is,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.01,0:09:11.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not as we wish it to be.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.95,0:09:16.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've had hundreds of people tell me\Nwhat they don't want to feel.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.18,0:09:18.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They say things like,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:18.90,0:09:22.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I don't want to try because\NI don't want to feel disappointed."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.02,0:09:26.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, "I just want this feeling to go away."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.24,0:09:31.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I understand," I say to them.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.06,0:09:34.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"But you have dead people's goals."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.19,0:09:40.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:40.56,0:09:46.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:46.88,0:09:48.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Only dead people
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.94,0:09:52.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never get unwanted or inconvenienced\Nby their feelings.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.60,0:09:53.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.93,0:09:56.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Only dead people never get stressed,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.10,0:09:58.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never get broken hearts,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.20,0:10:03.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never experience the disappointment\Nthat comes with failure.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.20,0:10:08.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tough emotions are part\Nof our contract with life.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.95,0:10:12.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't get to have a meaningful career
Dialogue: 0,0:10:12.30,0:10:14.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or raise a family
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.12,0:10:16.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or leave the world a better place
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.92,0:10:19.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without stress and discomfort.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.17,0:10:25.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Discomfort is the price of admission\Nto a meaningful life.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.56,0:10:30.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, how do we begin to dismantle rigidity
Dialogue: 0,0:10:30.16,0:10:32.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and embrace emotional agility?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.79,0:10:35.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As that young schoolgirl,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.47,0:10:38.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I leaned into those blank pages,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.86,0:10:41.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I started to do away with feelings
Dialogue: 0,0:10:41.28,0:10:44.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of what I should be experiencing.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.25,0:10:48.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And instead started to open my heart\Nto what I did feel.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.10,0:10:50.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:50.68,0:10:51.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And grief.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.84,0:10:54.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And loss.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.40,0:10:55.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And regret.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.97,0:11:00.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Research now shows
Dialogue: 0,0:11:00.58,0:11:03.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the radical acceptance\Nof all of our emotions --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.93,0:11:05.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even the messy, difficult ones --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.62,0:11:08.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the cornerstone\Nto resilience, thriving,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.39,0:11:11.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and true, authentic happiness.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.27,0:11:18.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But emotional agility is more\Nthat just an acceptance of emotions.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:18.23,0:11:20.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We also know that accuracy matters.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.23,0:11:25.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In my own research,\NI found that words are essential.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.78,0:11:28.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We often use quick and easy labels\Nto describe our feelings.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.83,0:11:31.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm stressed" is the most\Ncommon one I hear.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:31.49,0:11:34.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there's a world of difference\Nbetween stress and disappointment
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.90,0:11:38.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or stress and that knowing dread\Nof "I'm in the wrong career."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.80,0:11:41.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we label our emotions accurately,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.73,0:11:45.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are more able to discern\Nthe precise cause of our feelings.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.69,0:11:48.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what scientists call\Nthe readiness potential in our brain
Dialogue: 0,0:11:48.70,0:11:51.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is activated, allowing us\Nto take concrete steps.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.51,0:11:55.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But not just any steps --\Nthe right steps for us.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.44,0:11:57.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because our emotions are data.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.11,0:12:02.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our emotions contain flashing lights\Nto things that we care about.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.72,0:12:05.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We tend not to feel strong emotion
Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.82,0:12:09.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to stuff that doesn't mean\Nanything in our worlds.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.25,0:12:12.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you feel rage when you read the news,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.89,0:12:17.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that rage is a signpost, perhaps,\Nthat you value equity and fairness --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.76,0:12:19.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and an opportunity to take active steps
Dialogue: 0,0:12:19.76,0:12:21.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to shape your life in that direction.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.09,0:12:25.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we are open\Nto the difficult emotions,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.30,0:12:28.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are able to generate responses\Nthat are values-aligned.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.96,0:12:31.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But there's an important caveat.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:31.97,0:12:34.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Emotions are data,\Nthey are not directives.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.75,0:12:37.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can show up to and mine\Nour emotions for their values
Dialogue: 0,0:12:37.92,0:12:39.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without needing to listen to them.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.42,0:12:45.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just like I can show up to my son\Nin his frustration with his baby sister --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.67,0:12:49.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but not endorse his idea\Nthat he gets to give her away
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.26,0:12:51.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the first stranger\Nhe sees in a shopping mall.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:51.61,0:12:53.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.16,0:12:56.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We own our emotions, they don't own us.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.52,0:13:01.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we internalize the difference\Nbetween how I feel in all my wisdom
Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.35,0:13:05.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what I do in a values-aligned action,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.28,0:13:08.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we generate the pathway to our best selves
Dialogue: 0,0:13:08.50,0:13:09.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,via our emotions.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.47,0:13:15.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, what does this look like in practice?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:16.47,0:13:18.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you feel a strong, tough emotion,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:18.32,0:13:20.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,don't race for the emotional exits.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.20,0:13:24.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Learn its contours, show up\Nto the journal of your hearts.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:25.62,0:13:27.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is the emotion telling you?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:29.57,0:13:33.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And try not to say "I am,"\Nas in, "I'm angry" or "I'm sad."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.40,0:13:34.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you say "I am"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:34.58,0:13:37.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it makes you sound\Nas if you are the emotion.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:37.15,0:13:39.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whereas you are you,\Nand the emotion is a data source.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:40.58,0:13:43.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, try to notice\Nthe feeling for what it is:
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.05,0:13:44.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm noticing that I'm feeling sad"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:44.76,0:13:46.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or "I'm noticing that I'm feeling angry."
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.04,0:13:50.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are essential skills for us,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.18,0:13:52.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our families, our communities.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:52.46,0:13:54.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're also critical to the workplace.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.13,0:13:57.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In my research,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.32,0:14:00.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I looked at what helps people\Nto bring the best of themselves to work,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:00.89,0:14:02.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I found a powerful key contributor:
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.58,0:14:04.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,individualized consideration.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.08,0:14:08.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When people are allowed\Nto feel their emotional truth,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.87,0:14:12.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,engagement, creativity and innovation\Nflourish in the organization.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:13.66,0:14:15.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Diversity isn't just people,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.19,0:14:17.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's also what's inside people.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:17.56,0:14:19.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Including diversity of emotion.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.42,0:14:26.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The most agile, resilient\Nindividuals, teams,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.34,0:14:28.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,organizations, families, communities
Dialogue: 0,0:14:28.67,0:14:31.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are built on an openness\Nto the normal human emotions.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:32.19,0:14:34.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's this that allows us to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:34.52,0:14:36.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What is my emotion telling me?"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:36.62,0:14:39.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Which action will bring me\Ntowards my values?"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:39.70,0:14:42.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Which will take me away from my values?"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.44,0:14:47.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Emotional agility is the ability\Nto be with your emotions
Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.19,0:14:50.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with curiosity, compassion,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.19,0:14:53.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and especially the courage\Nto take values-connected steps.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.89,0:14:57.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was little,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:57.08,0:14:59.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would wake up at night\Nterrified by the idea of death.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:59.92,0:15:02.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My father would comfort me\Nwith soft pats and kisses.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:03.68,0:15:05.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But he would never lie.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:06.74,0:15:08.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"We all die, Susie," he would say.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:09.78,0:15:11.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"It's normal to be scared."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:12.48,0:15:16.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He didn't try to invent\Na buffer between me and reality.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:17.04,0:15:18.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It took me a while to understand
Dialogue: 0,0:15:18.91,0:15:21.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the power of how he guided me\Nthrough those nights.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:22.23,0:15:26.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What he showed me is that courage\Nis not an absence of fear;
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.58,0:15:30.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,courage is fear walking.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:32.79,0:15:35.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Neither of us knew that in 10 short years,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:35.05,0:15:36.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he would be gone.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:36.95,0:15:39.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that time for each of us\Nis all too precious
Dialogue: 0,0:15:39.88,0:15:41.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and all too brief.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:42.49,0:15:45.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But when our moment comes
Dialogue: 0,0:15:45.31,0:15:47.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to face our fragility,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:47.53,0:15:49.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in that ultimate time,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.26,0:15:50.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it will ask us,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:51.36,0:15:52.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Are you agile?"
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.42,0:15:54.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Are you agile?"
Dialogue: 0,0:15:55.74,0:15:59.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let the moment be an unreserved "yes."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:00.38,0:16:04.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A "yes" born of a lifelong\Ncorrespondence with your own heart.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.78,0:16:07.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in seeing yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:08.84,0:16:11.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because in seeing yourself,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:11.25,0:16:13.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you are also able to see others, too:
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.22,0:16:18.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the only sustainable way forward
Dialogue: 0,0:16:18.66,0:16:21.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a fragile, beautiful world.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:22.97,0:16:24.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sawubona.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:24.44,0:16:25.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:25.63,0:16:26.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:26.69,0:16:27.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.86,0:16:30.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:30.16,0:16:31.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:31.44,0:16:35.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)