Hey everybody! Today's video is the second
in a whole series I'm doing about sex.

Today's topic is how can surviving abuse 
feel and how can we heal from it.

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I release 2 videos/week. Don't miss them.

But let's jump into today's topic.

The first topic I want to jump into ...
Is about how surviving abuse can feel.

Is using sex as a coping skill 
or as a way to self-harm.

..I have older videos about the self-harm
component I'll link in description

but I want to get into that a
little more today.

The truth is we can use a lot of different
things to self-harm.

Sex is just another way that we can put 
ourselves down.

Or seek out positive affirmation or 
attention from someone else.

Or even as a way to completely numb out.

Many of my clients tell me that they've
engaged in sexual activity as a way to

prove to themselves that they are in fact 
terrible or they are a whore or a slut or

something that was told to them when
the abuse was happening.

Some claim they use sex life to prove 
they weren't actually worthy of true love

Not getting into relationships, having 
casual trysts with a bunch of different

people was their way of maybe even 
recreating a traumatizing situation.

As a way to either re-injure 
themselves, or self-injure

or clients have said they 
thought maybe it would turn out

differently this 
time.

So our brain is giving us 2nd chance 
to try to process happened to us.

I've had many of my clients who've had a 
sexual abuse past tell me they've tried

to lie to themselves over the years. 
Saying they enjoy rough sex.

They've done it as a way to take the 
control back or to say that they enjoy

it and it's on their terms.
A lot of that is just us trying to cope.

So we're using the sex as a way to cope 
with what happened to us. I've even had

people tell me after the abuse/rape 
they tell themselves they love BDSM.

BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, 
Dominance, Submission, Sadism & Masochism

Know that all the different behaviors 
that I'm talking about are normal.

What they truly are is our brain's way
to try process what happened to us

Or help us heal. Even with self-injury 
if we're using sex as a way to numb out

or as a way to prove that something's 
different or to give our brain more time

to process. What ever the reason is 
it's just us trying to survive.

So just know that nothing's wrong with you
and you're not weird or terrible or dirty

for engaging in this it's very common 
when we've had abuse in our past and

truly what you're brain is trying to do is
help you survive and process through it.

And lastly I just want to note one of the 
ways we can tell if the sex we're engaging

in is/not self-harm related is all about
the thought process leading up to it.

Is there a certain ritual that we do 
ahead of time? Do we know we're going to

engage in the behavior and we're
prepping ourselves? I've heard from

a lot of you when it comes to your
self-injury as a whole there's a ritual

around it. How we clean, prep and clean
afterwards. There's all sorts of things we

do so notice if there's any patterns that
are very familiar to your self-injury.

And also, notice if you're doing it as a 
way to harm yourself emotionally.

Does the sex make you feel dirty like a
whore, like you're a terrible person,

like you're just like the abuser told you
you were? Notice if that's what you're

proving when engaging in that sexual
behavior.

That will tell you whether it's self-harm 
related or not.

The next topic is hyper-sexuality
as a result of sexual abuse.

I have another video about this
I'll link in description.

But I want to get into this 
just a bit more.

Hyper-sexuality as a result of abuse 
means that we will

look to engage in sex frequently.

Almost impulsively. And we may even put
ourselves in some seriously dangerous

situations in order to feed that urge and 
get the sex when we want it.

Like I talked about 
in my older video,

I still believe this
is true

There are three main reasons we
act out in this way.

The first is to regain control.

Since being abused, especially if it
happened repeatedly, can make us feel like

we have no control over our body. 
We have no control over whether we engage

in sex or not. It can leave us
feeling completely helpless.

Therefore, if we seek out sex ourselves
and we decide on our terms when we want to

have it and who we
to have it with

it can be 
our way of saying

"You know what! I get to
choose! I get to decide who I want to have

sex with and when because it's my
body and I'm regaining the control!"

Almost taking that control back
from our abuser.

The second reason is validation.

If we were abused in our formative years
and we never got to fully develop and

decide what sex meant for us and how sex
could be enjoyable for us we may see sex

as a way to get love and support 
that we so desperately

needed as a child.

The abuse may have 
been one of the only times someone gave

us undivided attention, told us they loved
us or held us when we wanted to be.

Therefore, we can believe that sex is the
only way someone can truly show us that

they love us.

So we'll seek it out as away to show 
ourselves love and validate ourselves.

Being hyper-sexual really just means 
that you're seeking out support and love

which is something that we all need.

The third and final reason that we may
engage in hyper-sexualized activity is

chemical.

I know this sounds crazy
but our brain actually releases

dopamine and serotonin 
when we engage in sex

it triggers our reward system 
and makes us feel good.

Therefore, we 
could become "addicted"

to sex at a very young age.

And when we aren't engaging in 
it we miss it and therefore, seek it out

and become hyper-sexualized.

And that seeking it out and feeling those
urges to engage in it again and get that

high again is why we may put ourselves 
in some unsafe situations just to get it

any time we can however we can because
our brain and our body feel like

they're addicted to that behavior.

On the flip side many of you reported to 
me that you have a complete lack of sexual

interest...at all.
Don't want anybody to touch us ever.

Hugs are even a little <Ugh>even when we
really like the person. And this can be as

a result of sexual abuse too because in a
way we're keeping ourselves as safe--

as possible--don't let--anybody--near--me 
if I keep people away something terrible

like that will never happen again.

So it's sort of a defense mechanism. And 
you can see why. I've even had a bunch of

my Eating Disorder clients tell me
they've gained or lost weight as a

result of the abuse. Because the abuser
may have said "oh I love how chubby your

thighs are" my clients have dropped weight
dramatically. Or an abuser saying

they really liked how really bony and
skinny they were "BOOM" my clients will

start to binge eat and so you can see how.
In a way, we're just trying to get people

away from us don't touch us and we're
trying to keep ourselves safe so that

it doesn't happen again.

The next topic I want to touch on briefly
is pregnancy and or abortion.

Many of you told me you became pregnant
and either aborted the baby, had a

miscarriage or decided to have it or put
it up for adoption as a result of abuse.

And the truth about this scenario is
obviously it's very common. If we're past

a certain age we can get pregnant. And 
the thing that I would encourage you to do

is to talk to a therapist.

If you've lost a child or decided
to abort a child,

even if yo gave them up for adoption we
need to talk about that with someone and

give ourselves the time that we need to
fully grieve that loss. I truly believe

that a lot of the recovery process when
it comes to recovering from abuse is grief

We need to take time to grieve
the loss of our childhood and grieve the

loss of our ability to develop our sexual
life at our own pace. Or even grieving the

loss of a child that we had to give up or
we had to abort whatever it is I feel like

there's so much grief that needs to happen
when we work on our recovery from abuse.

So make sure that you give yourself the
time you need to grieve and also notice

how you talk to yourself about this. 
There was nothing you did to cause this.

This is not your fault. So notice what you
say to yourself and do your best to

fight back and make it as
positive as possible.

Because THAT is when the 
healing can begin.

The next topic is because I heard
from lot of you this is something

that you struggle with is ,"why does sex
feel dirty to me?" I was reading something

in the Courage to Heal Workbook
and I want to read it to you now.

The person who wrote this book said, "When
we are assaulted or abused in any way we

are not given the ability to develop our
sexuality at our own pace. We may not know

if we like sex, what kind of sex we enjoy,
or what healthy or happy pace we are

comfortable with."

Therefore, sex to us can seem very dirty, 
forceful we can be told nasty things about

ourselves afterwards 
or from those around us

who know it's 
happening

and aren't
getting us help,

will think we caused it. 
Therefore we interpret sex and

it's whole act as really
dirty and terrible.

I find the feelings to especially come
out when my clients are in session with me

trying to work on it. And I think that 
happens because something we do in therapy

if we recognize it or not is we talk about
how bad it was and how nasty and

terrible that person that did it to us was
and so all of that in a way is kind of

telling us that the whole sexual...maybe
any sexual experience we've ever had...

maybe those are the only ones we've had...
we interpret that as that all being dirty.

Meaning we might blanket or umbrella the
whole act of sex under that and call it

all dirty. And we can also just feel dirty
ourselves because of what happened to us.

I've had a lot of my clients tell me that
after their abuser was done they would

go into the shower and they'd scrub
themselves almost raw.

And if you were raised in any kind of
religious environment and you're taught to

think that sex is something to be saved
for marriage or for a serious relationship

or whatever you believe. Therefore if it's
happening outside of that or if it's

happening from someone who's maybe in a 
relationship with someone else we can

interpret that as being bad.

In order to overcome all of these thoughts
that might be swirling we need to reclaim

our own sexuality.

That's what we're
going to jump into next.

If you haven't seen another one of my
videos where I've talked about this before

I'm a huge supporter of this book 
The Courage to Heal Workbook.

I honestly think just the original is good
but I know there are a lot of

different versions out there now, 
but this is amazing.

And a lot of the tips I'm going to talk
with you now about come from this book.

And the truth about childhood sexual abuse
or any sexual abuse at a young age is that

we aren't given the time needed
to develop our

own sense of our
sexuality it can feel

really rushed,
like it's at someone else's

pace because it truly is. 
And so the trouble when we're an adult and

we're trying to heal and trying to have a
healthy happy sex life with someone that

we want to have sex with we can fall back
into that same pattern.

A lot of my clients have told their
boyfriend or husband or girlfriend or wife

has told them you know like <snap><snap> 
lickety split like hurry up and get better

and it's not like they say directly but
that's the message that my clients or my

patients that are struggling with this 
receive. And so we need to make sure that

our recovery and our healing
is done at our own pace.

Anyone worth being with will be patient
with you and understand and be loving and

supportive as you work through
a horrific trauma that occurred to you.

And something that The Courage to Heal
Workbook recommends is that we set some

ground rules for this whole healing
process. That way we know that we're doing

it at our own pace on our own schedule
in the way we want, and overall ensuring

that we're doing it for us
not for someone else.

So take some time consider why you want to
heal and why you want to have a healthy

happy sex life. And make sure that it's
because you want it for reasons that are

important and mean something to you.

If we don't do that we can add another
layer of trauma on top of the trauma we

already have without even realizing it so
just take some time and make sure

it's being done
because you want it to be done.

There are four steps to
walk through today.

And the first is making sure you're at a
place where you are ready to try to be

sexual again and have a healthy sexuality.
If you feel like you're barely surviving

you're having a ton of flashbacks, any
kind of embrace from your loved one sends

you into a dissociative state or possibly
back into that traumatic memory. You feel

like you're just barely keeping your head
above all of these symptoms

this might not be 
the right time to try to do this.

There's going to be a lot of healing 
we're going to have do before we

consider having a healthy sex life
with someone that we love.

We're going to have to do
all that work prior.

So just make sure you're at a place where
it's healthy and okay for you to even

attempt having a healthy sex life.

If you find you are in a place where
you're ready to start working on your

sexuality take that time that I just
talked about and consider why.

Is it because you want your body, bed or
you want your love life back?

What is it you're looking
forward to?

Why is this something
you want to work on?

This just ensures that we're doing it 
for ourselves and no one else.

The second step I want you work on is to
then consider what sex is to you?

What is pleasurable? 
Are their certain sexual acts that you

enjoy more or less than others? 
What is it that pleasure actually

means to you? 
How would you define that?

Are there other ways you seek pleasure
out other than sex? What are those things?

The reason we consider all the
random questions and what sex means a a

whole and pleasure means to us all
together is because it helps us better

engage in the whole sex and
pleasure realm with more safety.

We can start with the things we know
we like.The things we know give us

pleasure or arousal and we can find ways
to do it maybe on our own in a more

safe environment.

They talk about this step in The
Courage to Heal Workbook as a way to

broaden our thoughts overall about sex so
that we can figure out what is pleasurable

to us and what feels good in our bodies
that way we can try to slowly step

toward sex in a way that
isn't actually sexual at all.

The third step is setting
some ground rules.

If you're working on this on your own
solo these are rules that work for you.

But if you're working with a partner I
would encourage you to put these rules

together and then talk to them about it.

But these rules overall need to be
created by you alone.

Making sure that these are rules are 
important to you and help you feel safe.

Before we really get into the ground rules
I just wanted you to know that you can say

"NO" to sex at any time. 
I don't care if you're just getting

started. I don't care if you're
fully engaged in sex. I don't care if you

think your partner is about to orgasm. 
You can stop the sex at any time.

And I would consider adding that to your
ground rules so that you know if you feel

yourself slipping away and dissociating 
or you're in a freeze state.

Know that you can say "NO" then. And 
it can stop and you can have some

signals and some things that you can
talk out with your partner

so that they know that we need
to stop it right now.

What else goes on your list? 
The Courage to Heal Workbook lists these

as thought or rule starters. 
Under what conditions will I be sexual?

What are the boundaries and limits
I will want to set? Can I commit

to taking care of myself in a sexual
situation? And then consider how

it felt to create your rules.

Whether or not you feel you will be
able to uphold them

and who you want to share 
your rules with.

I think these are all great starters for
us as we start to put together our own

ground rules for our sexual activity.

And forth and finally I want you to create
a list of sexual and physical things that

are okay or not okay to do. Listing them
either in a hierarchy or just as a list of

behaviors and different sexual acts or
physical touches that you can think of

and whether or not they are okay. And
maybe when they're okay or not

Is it only in certain situations? I know
this sounds like a lot of work

but it's important for you to take 
time to figure out

what is okay and not 
okay and why.

Let's say someone held our wrists in the
abuse in our past that's a NO GO.

That's definitely go on the list of 
things that aren't okay.

And we're going to need to commit to being
able to do that and tell whoever we're

engaging in sexual behavior with that
that can't happen and that it's not okay.

And putting together this list just helps
us better solidify what things are fine

and what things aren't.

And also when you create this list I would
encourage you to share it with your

partner and have a conversation about it.
So they can better understand where

you're at, what's okay and not okay and
also know that you can come back to the

list and change it as certain things may
become okay and safe for you and others

may be removed. Think of it like a

living document you can 
change as needed but make

sure you communicate 
with your partner.

I heard from so many of you that you that
you have questions about how can we even

begin to communicate any of the
abuse stuff with our partner.

A lot of you said you just go silent or
you're afraid you're going to overwhelm

them and you're just really 
not sure how to approach it.

So, let's get into that a little bit.

Something that I really like from The 
Courage to Heal Workbook is that they

talked about your support system
and who should be in it.

And they said this: "People in your 
support system believe you were abused

and the abuse hurt you. They believe in 
your capacity to heal yourself.

They like and respect you and
see you as a good person who's

having a rough time right now. By
challenging your old ideas about

yourself support people inspire you
to grow. When you're around them

you feel reassured, cared about and
listened to."

And I just want you to hear that because
before you actually think someone's worthy

of being in your support system
consider whether those things are true.

Whether they make you feel reassured,
cared about and listened to. Do they

believe the abuse happened and that
it hurt you? And it was horribly damaging?

We need to ensure that they understand. 
And that before anything else should be in

place before we even try 
to talk to them about this because

we need to ensure
they are the right people.

The best way to begin a conversation with
a partner or loved one about the abuse is

to take it at your own pace. And if you're
in therapy I would encourage you to bring

them in for a few sessions. Prep with
your therapist what you're going to say,

how you want to say it, things you
want to get through so they can

guide you along and ensure that that's
happens in those sessions and that

you're able to stay present and we're able
to talk about things that are

important so you feel all the
information you wanted your spouse

or loved one or partner to know is
received.That you've said it and

they've received it. And so
talking in therapy can be really

helpful and a supportive guide to get you
through maybe something that's too

difficult to do on your own. 
And know you don't have to share

anything that you're not okay with
right now. But in my experience and

what The Courage to Heal Workbook talks
about is the more you share the better.

Because what we want them to be able to
hear is that something horrific happened.

And if they know maybe how it happened
they can understand why certain behaviors

and things they've 
done in the past are

so disruptive to you 
and so maybe triggering.

And having them know some of those details
even though I know it's hard to talk about

it but that could just guide it a little
bit more quickly and help them better.

Understand where you're at and hopefully
become a supportive person that could

be caring and loving and 
understanding that

you're having 
a really hard time right now.

So take your time with it and know that 
it's even okay if we just start by saying

"Hey I was abused when I was younger". 
That's a great start. If that's all

we can get out now at least they know
that. And we can move into the other

portions as we feel that we're able to.

It's important for them to understand
it's not about them.

It's actually about us and our process
we just need them to understand

what happened, what's going on with us
now, so that they can work with us.

So that we can work together. To heal and
hopefully grow into having that healthy,

happy, loving sex life. I would encourage
you to start writing down how it feels for

you and how certain behaviors or
situations have caused you to feel

triggered or dissociate and talk 
with them about it

then end with what you need
from them. How can they

change those behaviors, or better
support you in the moment so that you're

working together. And you're not doing own
thing while they do their own thing.

Because then no one fully understands what
the other is needing and the sex and your

sex ife and your sexuality 
can't really improve with that person.

Overall, in all of my experience working
with couples and even families where we

talk about sexual abuse, I find that if
you're able, it's best done

chronologically. I've had a lot of issues 
in the past where a wife was telling her

husband about past childhood sexual abuse.
She'll jump around because we know that

sometimes it's hard to go in order, and
maybe our memory's scattered about it.

If we can keep it as
chronological as

possible they can
actually follow along.

When she was jumping around 
her husband was confused

"wait was that when you
were eight or was that the thing

when you were six? Wait, I'm 
confused and is this okay?"

So it left honestly more confusion than
clarity. So if you're able, do your best

to try to keep it in chronological order.

And many of you asked me how do you
even talk to a therapist about it?

That's what we're here for! We've spent so
much time in school and gathering hours

and everything just to help people.
And your relationship with your therapist

should be the first truly safe and
supportive one you've had.

So in all honesty, just blurt it out.
If you're able to say it right before you

leave knowing you aren't able to 
talk about it today

but you want them to know 
do it. If you gotta write it down

write it down. 
I honestly don't care how you get it out

but, however you can 
verbally express it

please just tell them.

Know that they're not going to judge you.

If they're a good therapist they're 
going to feel for you

They're going to want to help
you better understand. Better

talk it through, process it, 
so that you start to feel better.

Overall that's our goal as therapists
is just to help you feel better. The

sooner you can get it out and 
tell them what's going

on and what happened 
the sooner

you'll start

feeling better.

This video has been brought 
to you by the

Kinions on Patreon.

If you would like to support
the creation

of these mental health videos

click the link by the description 
and check it out!

I hope this video was helpful. I know it's
super long. But there was so much content

to cover. And I hope that you feel that
you at least got one extra tool, or a

little more clarity on how you can heal
from your past sexual abuse.

Like I said this is a series. This is
only the second out of the total of

four so make sure you're subscribed and
have your notifications turned on so that

when those are released you could watch 
those too!

And I will see you next time! 
BYE!