1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,974 Hey everybody! Today's video is the second in a whole series I'm doing about sex. 2 00:00:04,974 --> 00:00:10,420 Today's topic is how can surviving abuse feel and how can we heal from it. 3 00:00:10,434 --> 00:00:15,664 (intro music) 4 00:00:15,674 --> 00:00:18,616 ...if you're new to my channel and haven't subscribed why? 5 00:00:18,646 --> 00:00:24,438 Do It now and turn on the notifications. I release 2 videos/week. Don't miss them. 6 00:00:24,471 --> 00:00:26,438 But let's jump into today's topic. 7 00:00:26,467 --> 00:00:31,409 The first topic I want to jump into ... Is about how surviving abuse can feel. 8 00:00:31,427 --> 00:00:36,237 Is using sex as a coping skill or as a way to self-harm. 9 00:00:36,259 --> 00:00:40,438 ..I have older videos about the self-harm component I'll link in description 10 00:00:40,438 --> 00:00:42,417 but I want to get into that a little more today. 11 00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:46,442 The truth is we can use a lot of different things to self-harm. 12 00:00:46,442 --> 00:00:49,823 Sex is just another way that we can put ourselves down. 13 00:00:49,866 --> 00:00:54,195 Or seek out positive affirmation or attention from someone else. 14 00:00:54,195 --> 00:00:57,125 Or even as a way to completely numb out. 15 00:00:57,125 --> 00:01:01,013 Many of my clients tell me that they've engaged in sexual activity as a way to 16 00:01:01,013 --> 00:01:05,613 prove to themselves that they are in fact terrible or they are a whore or a slut or 17 00:01:05,613 --> 00:01:08,063 something that was told to them when the abuse was happening. 18 00:01:08,063 --> 00:01:14,493 Some claim they use sex life to prove they weren't actually worthy of true love 19 00:01:14,512 --> 00:01:18,976 Not getting into relationships, having casual trysts with a bunch of different 20 00:01:18,976 --> 00:01:24,068 people was their way of maybe even recreating a traumatizing situation. 21 00:01:24,068 --> 00:01:27,775 As a way to either re-injure themselves, or self-injure 22 00:01:27,775 --> 00:01:30,622 or clients have said they thought maybe it would turn out 23 00:01:30,622 --> 00:01:31,807 differently this time. 24 00:01:31,807 --> 00:01:37,255 So our brain is giving us 2nd chance to try to process happened to us. 25 00:01:37,255 --> 00:01:41,445 I've had many of my clients who've had a sexual abuse past tell me they've tried 26 00:01:41,445 --> 00:01:44,962 to lie to themselves over the years. Saying they enjoy rough sex. 27 00:01:44,962 --> 00:01:49,769 They've done it as a way to take the control back or to say that they enjoy 28 00:01:49,792 --> 00:01:53,509 it and it's on their terms. A lot of that is just us trying to cope. 29 00:01:53,509 --> 00:01:57,509 So we're using the sex as a way to cope with what happened to us. I've even had 30 00:01:57,536 --> 00:02:03,333 people tell me after the abuse/rape they tell themselves they love BDSM. 31 00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:10,359 BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism & Masochism 32 00:02:10,361 --> 00:02:14,234 Know that all the different behaviors that I'm talking about are normal. 33 00:02:14,281 --> 00:02:19,605 What they truly are is our brain's way to try process what happened to us 34 00:02:19,605 --> 00:02:24,585 Or help us heal. Even with self-injury if we're using sex as a way to numb out 35 00:02:24,635 --> 00:02:29,158 or as a way to prove that something's different or to give our brain more time 36 00:02:29,206 --> 00:02:34,134 to process. What ever the reason is it's just us trying to survive. 37 00:02:34,137 --> 00:02:39,122 So just know that nothing's wrong with you and you're not weird or terrible or dirty 38 00:02:39,122 --> 00:02:44,052 for engaging in this it's very common when we've had abuse in our past and 39 00:02:44,052 --> 00:02:48,926 truly what you're brain is trying to do is help you survive and process through it. 40 00:02:48,926 --> 00:02:53,152 And lastly I just want to note one of the ways we can tell if the sex we're engaging 41 00:02:53,152 --> 00:02:58,137 in is/not self-harm related is all about the thought process leading up to it. 42 00:02:58,137 --> 00:03:02,137 Is there a certain ritual that we do ahead of time? Do we know we're going to 43 00:03:02,137 --> 00:03:05,330 engage in the behavior and we're prepping ourselves? I've heard from 44 00:03:05,371 --> 00:03:09,127 a lot of you when it comes to your self-injury as a whole there's a ritual 45 00:03:09,127 --> 00:03:13,482 around it. How we clean, prep and clean afterwards. There's all sorts of things we 46 00:03:13,492 --> 00:03:17,377 do so notice if there's any patterns that are very familiar to your self-injury. 47 00:03:17,399 --> 00:03:22,339 And also, notice if you're doing it as a way to harm yourself emotionally. 48 00:03:22,339 --> 00:03:26,881 Does the sex make you feel dirty like a whore, like you're a terrible person, 49 00:03:26,881 --> 00:03:31,543 like you're just like the abuser told you you were? Notice if that's what you're 50 00:03:31,573 --> 00:03:34,123 proving when engaging in that sexual behavior. 51 00:03:34,141 --> 00:03:36,838 That will tell you whether it's self-harm related or not. 52 00:03:36,838 --> 00:03:42,175 The next topic is hyper-sexuality as a result of sexual abuse. 53 00:03:42,175 --> 00:03:44,898 I have another video about this I'll link in description. 54 00:03:44,906 --> 00:03:47,238 But I want to get into this just a bit more. 55 00:03:47,238 --> 00:03:50,549 Hyper-sexuality as a result of abuse means that we will 56 00:03:50,549 --> 00:03:53,893 look to engage in sex frequently. 57 00:03:53,893 --> 00:03:58,718 Almost impulsively. And we may even put ourselves in some seriously dangerous 58 00:03:58,718 --> 00:04:03,845 situations in order to feed that urge and get the sex when we want it. 59 00:04:03,875 --> 00:04:06,042 Like I talked about in my older video, 60 00:04:06,050 --> 00:04:07,617 I still believe this is true 61 00:04:07,654 --> 00:04:10,524 There are three main reasons we act out in this way. 62 00:04:10,581 --> 00:04:12,811 The first is to regain control. 63 00:04:12,811 --> 00:04:16,811 Since being abused, especially if it happened repeatedly, can make us feel like 64 00:04:16,834 --> 00:04:20,644 we have no control over our body. We have no control over whether we engage 65 00:04:20,644 --> 00:04:23,977 in sex or not. It can leave us feeling completely helpless. 66 00:04:23,977 --> 00:04:28,171 Therefore, if we seek out sex ourselves and we decide on our terms when we want to 67 00:04:28,171 --> 00:04:29,915 have it and who we to have it with 68 00:04:29,915 --> 00:04:31,816 it can be our way of saying 69 00:04:31,817 --> 00:04:35,051 "You know what! I get to choose! I get to decide who I want to have 70 00:04:35,051 --> 00:04:38,669 sex with and when because it's my body and I'm regaining the control!" 71 00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:41,233 Almost taking that control back from our abuser. 72 00:04:41,233 --> 00:04:43,465 The second reason is validation. 73 00:04:43,495 --> 00:04:48,885 If we were abused in our formative years and we never got to fully develop and 74 00:04:48,885 --> 00:04:54,973 decide what sex meant for us and how sex could be enjoyable for us we may see sex 75 00:04:54,973 --> 00:04:57,880 as a way to get love and support that we so desperately 76 00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:58,881 needed as a child. 77 00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:02,195 The abuse may have been one of the only times someone gave 78 00:05:02,205 --> 00:05:07,585 us undivided attention, told us they loved us or held us when we wanted to be. 79 00:05:07,585 --> 00:05:12,327 Therefore, we can believe that sex is the only way someone can truly show us that 80 00:05:12,327 --> 00:05:13,219 they love us. 81 00:05:13,219 --> 00:05:18,657 So we'll seek it out as away to show ourselves love and validate ourselves. 82 00:05:18,657 --> 00:05:23,874 Being hyper-sexual really just means that you're seeking out support and love 83 00:05:23,930 --> 00:05:26,623 which is something that we all need. 84 00:05:26,623 --> 00:05:31,824 The third and final reason that we may engage in hyper-sexualized activity is 85 00:05:31,824 --> 00:05:32,802 chemical. 86 00:05:32,802 --> 00:05:35,802 I know this sounds crazy but our brain actually releases 87 00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:39,006 dopamine and serotonin when we engage in sex 88 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:42,231 it triggers our reward system and makes us feel good. 89 00:05:42,245 --> 00:05:45,245 Therefore, we could become "addicted" 90 00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:47,666 to sex at a very young age. 91 00:05:47,666 --> 00:05:51,666 And when we aren't engaging in it we miss it and therefore, seek it out 92 00:05:51,688 --> 00:05:54,008 and become hyper-sexualized. 93 00:05:54,008 --> 00:05:58,008 And that seeking it out and feeling those urges to engage in it again and get that 94 00:05:58,008 --> 00:06:02,008 high again is why we may put ourselves in some unsafe situations just to get it 95 00:06:02,008 --> 00:06:08,114 any time we can however we can because our brain and our body feel like 96 00:06:08,114 --> 00:06:10,042 they're addicted to that behavior. 97 00:06:10,042 --> 00:06:15,268 On the flip side many of you reported to me that you have a complete lack of sexual 98 00:06:15,268 --> 00:06:19,209 interest...at all. Don't want anybody to touch us ever. 99 00:06:19,209 --> 00:06:23,679 Hugs are even a little even when we really like the person. And this can be as 100 00:06:23,679 --> 00:06:27,884 a result of sexual abuse too because in a way we're keeping ourselves as safe-- 101 00:06:27,884 --> 00:06:34,009 as possible--don't let--anybody--near--me if I keep people away something terrible 102 00:06:34,009 --> 00:06:35,827 like that will never happen again. 103 00:06:35,827 --> 00:06:40,767 So it's sort of a defense mechanism. And you can see why. I've even had a bunch of 104 00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:44,212 my Eating Disorder clients tell me they've gained or lost weight as a 105 00:06:44,212 --> 00:06:48,470 result of the abuse. Because the abuser may have said "oh I love how chubby your 106 00:06:48,470 --> 00:06:53,413 thighs are" my clients have dropped weight dramatically. Or an abuser saying 107 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:57,056 they really liked how really bony and skinny they were "BOOM" my clients will 108 00:06:57,056 --> 00:07:01,395 start to binge eat and so you can see how. In a way, we're just trying to get people 109 00:07:01,395 --> 00:07:04,957 away from us don't touch us and we're trying to keep ourselves safe so that 110 00:07:04,957 --> 00:07:06,219 it doesn't happen again. 111 00:07:06,219 --> 00:07:10,216 The next topic I want to touch on briefly is pregnancy and or abortion. 112 00:07:10,216 --> 00:07:14,406 Many of you told me you became pregnant and either aborted the baby, had a 113 00:07:14,406 --> 00:07:18,245 miscarriage or decided to have it or put it up for adoption as a result of abuse. 114 00:07:18,245 --> 00:07:24,666 And the truth about this scenario is obviously it's very common. If we're past 115 00:07:24,666 --> 00:07:28,539 a certain age we can get pregnant. And the thing that I would encourage you to do 116 00:07:28,539 --> 00:07:30,253 is to talk to a therapist. 117 00:07:30,464 --> 00:07:32,960 If you've lost a child or decided to abort a child, 118 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:37,109 even if yo gave them up for adoption we need to talk about that with someone and 119 00:07:37,109 --> 00:07:42,148 give ourselves the time that we need to fully grieve that loss. I truly believe 120 00:07:42,148 --> 00:07:47,454 that a lot of the recovery process when it comes to recovering from abuse is grief 121 00:07:48,262 --> 00:07:51,753 We need to take time to grieve the loss of our childhood and grieve the 122 00:07:51,753 --> 00:07:56,535 loss of our ability to develop our sexual life at our own pace. Or even grieving the 123 00:07:56,535 --> 00:08:00,765 loss of a child that we had to give up or we had to abort whatever it is I feel like 124 00:08:00,795 --> 00:08:05,378 there's so much grief that needs to happen when we work on our recovery from abuse. 125 00:08:05,812 --> 00:08:09,931 So make sure that you give yourself the time you need to grieve and also notice 126 00:08:09,940 --> 00:08:15,031 how you talk to yourself about this. There was nothing you did to cause this. 127 00:08:15,031 --> 00:08:19,918 This is not your fault. So notice what you say to yourself and do your best to 128 00:08:19,918 --> 00:08:23,018 fight back and make it as positive as possible. 129 00:08:23,018 --> 00:08:25,124 Because THAT is when the healing can begin. 130 00:08:25,124 --> 00:08:28,380 The next topic is because I heard from lot of you this is something 131 00:08:28,380 --> 00:08:32,380 that you struggle with is ,"why does sex feel dirty to me?" I was reading something 132 00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:36,110 in the Courage to Heal Workbook and I want to read it to you now. 133 00:08:36,952 --> 00:08:41,402 The person who wrote this book said, "When we are assaulted or abused in any way we 134 00:08:41,402 --> 00:08:47,006 are not given the ability to develop our sexuality at our own pace. We may not know 135 00:08:47,006 --> 00:08:51,035 if we like sex, what kind of sex we enjoy, or what healthy or happy pace we are 136 00:08:51,035 --> 00:08:52,077 comfortable with." 137 00:08:52,478 --> 00:08:58,286 Therefore, sex to us can seem very dirty, forceful we can be told nasty things about 138 00:08:58,286 --> 00:09:00,804 ourselves afterwards or from those around us 139 00:09:00,804 --> 00:09:01,951 who know it's happening 140 00:09:01,965 --> 00:09:03,182 and aren't getting us help, 141 00:09:03,182 --> 00:09:06,656 will think we caused it. Therefore we interpret sex and 142 00:09:06,666 --> 00:09:10,567 it's whole act as really dirty and terrible. 143 00:09:10,797 --> 00:09:14,985 I find the feelings to especially come out when my clients are in session with me 144 00:09:15,023 --> 00:09:19,394 trying to work on it. And I think that happens because something we do in therapy 145 00:09:19,403 --> 00:09:24,392 if we recognize it or not is we talk about how bad it was and how nasty and 146 00:09:24,392 --> 00:09:28,999 terrible that person that did it to us was and so all of that in a way is kind of 147 00:09:28,999 --> 00:09:34,161 telling us that the whole sexual...maybe any sexual experience we've ever had... 148 00:09:34,161 --> 00:09:38,564 maybe those are the only ones we've had... we interpret that as that all being dirty. 149 00:09:38,591 --> 00:09:43,552 Meaning we might blanket or umbrella the whole act of sex under that and call it 150 00:09:43,552 --> 00:09:48,184 all dirty. And we can also just feel dirty ourselves because of what happened to us. 151 00:09:48,184 --> 00:09:52,339 I've had a lot of my clients tell me that after their abuser was done they would 152 00:09:52,352 --> 00:09:55,961 go into the shower and they'd scrub themselves almost raw. 153 00:09:55,961 --> 00:09:59,420 And if you were raised in any kind of religious environment and you're taught to 154 00:09:59,420 --> 00:10:03,199 think that sex is something to be saved for marriage or for a serious relationship 155 00:10:03,199 --> 00:10:07,094 or whatever you believe. Therefore if it's happening outside of that or if it's 156 00:10:07,094 --> 00:10:10,426 happening from someone who's maybe in a relationship with someone else we can 157 00:10:10,426 --> 00:10:12,097 interpret that as being bad. 158 00:10:12,097 --> 00:10:16,432 In order to overcome all of these thoughts that might be swirling we need to reclaim 159 00:10:16,463 --> 00:10:18,531 our own sexuality. 160 00:10:18,531 --> 00:10:20,654 That's what we're going to jump into next. 161 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:23,644 If you haven't seen another one of my videos where I've talked about this before 162 00:10:23,644 --> 00:10:27,184 I'm a huge supporter of this book The Courage to Heal Workbook. 163 00:10:27,184 --> 00:10:30,965 I honestly think just the original is good but I know there are a lot of 164 00:10:30,965 --> 00:10:33,533 different versions out there now, but this is amazing. 165 00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:37,390 And a lot of the tips I'm going to talk with you now about come from this book. 166 00:10:37,394 --> 00:10:42,532 And the truth about childhood sexual abuse or any sexual abuse at a young age is that 167 00:10:42,532 --> 00:10:44,906 we aren't given the time needed to develop our 168 00:10:44,906 --> 00:10:47,481 own sense of our sexuality it can feel 169 00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,867 really rushed, like it's at someone else's 170 00:10:49,867 --> 00:10:54,046 pace because it truly is. And so the trouble when we're an adult and 171 00:10:54,046 --> 00:10:57,226 we're trying to heal and trying to have a healthy happy sex life with someone that 172 00:10:57,246 --> 00:11:01,373 we want to have sex with we can fall back into that same pattern. 173 00:11:01,373 --> 00:11:05,551 A lot of my clients have told their boyfriend or husband or girlfriend or wife 174 00:11:05,551 --> 00:11:08,837 has told them you know like lickety split like hurry up and get better 175 00:11:08,837 --> 00:11:12,531 and it's not like they say directly but that's the message that my clients or my 176 00:11:12,531 --> 00:11:16,531 patients that are struggling with this receive. And so we need to make sure that 177 00:11:16,546 --> 00:11:20,276 our recovery and our healing is done at our own pace. 178 00:11:20,646 --> 00:11:26,476 Anyone worth being with will be patient with you and understand and be loving and 179 00:11:26,476 --> 00:11:30,721 supportive as you work through a horrific trauma that occurred to you. 180 00:11:30,721 --> 00:11:34,471 And something that The Courage to Heal Workbook recommends is that we set some 181 00:11:34,471 --> 00:11:39,111 ground rules for this whole healing process. That way we know that we're doing 182 00:11:39,168 --> 00:11:44,527 it at our own pace on our own schedule in the way we want, and overall ensuring 183 00:11:44,527 --> 00:11:47,648 that we're doing it for us not for someone else. 184 00:11:47,648 --> 00:11:53,557 So take some time consider why you want to heal and why you want to have a healthy 185 00:11:53,557 --> 00:11:57,910 happy sex life. And make sure that it's because you want it for reasons that are 186 00:11:57,910 --> 00:12:00,374 important and mean something to you. 187 00:12:00,377 --> 00:12:05,438 If we don't do that we can add another layer of trauma on top of the trauma we 188 00:12:05,438 --> 00:12:09,349 already have without even realizing it so just take some time and make sure 189 00:12:09,349 --> 00:12:11,620 it's being done because you want it to be done. 190 00:12:11,620 --> 00:12:13,949 There are four steps to walk through today. 191 00:12:13,949 --> 00:12:19,882 And the first is making sure you're at a place where you are ready to try to be 192 00:12:19,882 --> 00:12:24,900 sexual again and have a healthy sexuality. If you feel like you're barely surviving 193 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:29,467 you're having a ton of flashbacks, any kind of embrace from your loved one sends 194 00:12:29,467 --> 00:12:33,729 you into a dissociative state or possibly back into that traumatic memory. You feel 195 00:12:33,729 --> 00:12:37,703 like you're just barely keeping your head above all of these symptoms 196 00:12:37,703 --> 00:12:41,072 this might not be the right time to try to do this. 197 00:12:41,072 --> 00:12:44,539 There's going to be a lot of healing we're going to have do before we 198 00:12:44,539 --> 00:12:48,283 consider having a healthy sex life with someone that we love. 199 00:12:48,313 --> 00:12:50,525 We're going to have to do all that work prior. 200 00:12:50,525 --> 00:12:54,935 So just make sure you're at a place where it's healthy and okay for you to even 201 00:12:54,935 --> 00:12:57,349 attempt having a healthy sex life. 202 00:12:57,509 --> 00:13:01,160 If you find you are in a place where you're ready to start working on your 203 00:13:01,229 --> 00:13:04,853 sexuality take that time that I just talked about and consider why. 204 00:13:04,853 --> 00:13:08,906 Is it because you want your body, bed or you want your love life back? 205 00:13:08,906 --> 00:13:10,806 What is it you're looking forward to? 206 00:13:10,806 --> 00:13:12,871 Why is this something you want to work on? 207 00:13:12,871 --> 00:13:16,164 This just ensures that we're doing it for ourselves and no one else. 208 00:13:16,164 --> 00:13:21,362 The second step I want you work on is to then consider what sex is to you? 209 00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:25,253 What is pleasurable? Are their certain sexual acts that you 210 00:13:25,283 --> 00:13:29,063 enjoy more or less than others? What is it that pleasure actually 211 00:13:29,072 --> 00:13:31,076 means to you? How would you define that? 212 00:13:31,098 --> 00:13:35,398 Are there other ways you seek pleasure out other than sex? What are those things? 213 00:13:35,503 --> 00:13:38,935 The reason we consider all the random questions and what sex means a a 214 00:13:38,945 --> 00:13:44,275 whole and pleasure means to us all together is because it helps us better 215 00:13:44,275 --> 00:13:47,737 engage in the whole sex and pleasure realm with more safety. 216 00:13:47,737 --> 00:13:51,945 We can start with the things we know we like.The things we know give us 217 00:13:51,945 --> 00:13:56,712 pleasure or arousal and we can find ways to do it maybe on our own in a more 218 00:13:56,712 --> 00:13:58,129 safe environment. 219 00:13:58,166 --> 00:14:01,488 They talk about this step in The Courage to Heal Workbook as a way to 220 00:14:01,516 --> 00:14:07,356 broaden our thoughts overall about sex so that we can figure out what is pleasurable 221 00:14:07,356 --> 00:14:14,121 to us and what feels good in our bodies that way we can try to slowly step 222 00:14:14,168 --> 00:14:17,947 toward sex in a way that isn't actually sexual at all. 223 00:14:17,947 --> 00:14:21,109 The third step is setting some ground rules. 224 00:14:21,109 --> 00:14:25,344 If you're working on this on your own solo these are rules that work for you. 225 00:14:25,385 --> 00:14:28,055 But if you're working with a partner I would encourage you to put these rules 226 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,550 together and then talk to them about it. 227 00:14:30,550 --> 00:14:34,164 But these rules overall need to be created by you alone. 228 00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:38,659 Making sure that these are rules are important to you and help you feel safe. 229 00:14:38,746 --> 00:14:41,762 Before we really get into the ground rules I just wanted you to know that you can say 230 00:14:41,762 --> 00:14:45,941 "NO" to sex at any time. I don't care if you're just getting 231 00:14:45,941 --> 00:14:49,964 started. I don't care if you're fully engaged in sex. I don't care if you 232 00:14:49,964 --> 00:14:54,012 think your partner is about to orgasm. You can stop the sex at any time. 233 00:14:54,012 --> 00:14:58,766 And I would consider adding that to your ground rules so that you know if you feel 234 00:14:58,776 --> 00:15:02,347 yourself slipping away and dissociating or you're in a freeze state. 235 00:15:02,347 --> 00:15:06,184 Know that you can say "NO" then. And it can stop and you can have some 236 00:15:06,211 --> 00:15:08,914 signals and some things that you can talk out with your partner 237 00:15:08,914 --> 00:15:11,601 so that they know that we need to stop it right now. 238 00:15:11,632 --> 00:15:15,703 What else goes on your list? The Courage to Heal Workbook lists these 239 00:15:15,772 --> 00:15:20,069 as thought or rule starters. Under what conditions will I be sexual? 240 00:15:20,069 --> 00:15:24,069 What are the boundaries and limits I will want to set? Can I commit 241 00:15:24,095 --> 00:15:28,442 to taking care of myself in a sexual situation? And then consider how 242 00:15:28,442 --> 00:15:29,783 it felt to create your rules. 243 00:15:29,822 --> 00:15:32,164 Whether or not you feel you will be able to uphold them 244 00:15:32,187 --> 00:15:34,618 and who you want to share your rules with. 245 00:15:34,618 --> 00:15:38,458 I think these are all great starters for us as we start to put together our own 246 00:15:38,458 --> 00:15:40,371 ground rules for our sexual activity. 247 00:15:40,404 --> 00:15:44,519 And forth and finally I want you to create a list of sexual and physical things that 248 00:15:44,541 --> 00:15:50,297 are okay or not okay to do. Listing them either in a hierarchy or just as a list of 249 00:15:50,308 --> 00:15:54,868 behaviors and different sexual acts or physical touches that you can think of 250 00:15:54,879 --> 00:15:58,092 and whether or not they are okay. And maybe when they're okay or not 251 00:15:58,092 --> 00:16:01,688 Is it only in certain situations? I know this sounds like a lot of work 252 00:16:01,688 --> 00:16:04,297 but it's important for you to take time to figure out 253 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,508 what is okay and not okay and why. 254 00:16:06,508 --> 00:16:10,926 Let's say someone held our wrists in the abuse in our past that's a NO GO. 255 00:16:10,926 --> 00:16:13,817 That's definitely go on the list of things that aren't okay. 256 00:16:13,817 --> 00:16:17,915 And we're going to need to commit to being able to do that and tell whoever we're 257 00:16:17,928 --> 00:16:22,422 engaging in sexual behavior with that that can't happen and that it's not okay. 258 00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:27,092 And putting together this list just helps us better solidify what things are fine 259 00:16:27,103 --> 00:16:28,518 and what things aren't. 260 00:16:28,578 --> 00:16:31,369 And also when you create this list I would encourage you to share it with your 261 00:16:31,388 --> 00:16:35,635 partner and have a conversation about it. So they can better understand where 262 00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:39,872 you're at, what's okay and not okay and also know that you can come back to the 263 00:16:39,872 --> 00:16:44,116 list and change it as certain things may become okay and safe for you and others 264 00:16:44,116 --> 00:16:46,236 may be removed. Think of it like a 265 00:16:46,236 --> 00:16:48,709 living document you can change as needed but make 266 00:16:48,709 --> 00:16:50,870 sure you communicate with your partner. 267 00:16:50,870 --> 00:16:55,192 I heard from so many of you that you that you have questions about how can we even 268 00:16:55,192 --> 00:16:59,210 begin to communicate any of the abuse stuff with our partner. 269 00:16:59,210 --> 00:17:03,152 A lot of you said you just go silent or you're afraid you're going to overwhelm 270 00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:06,137 them and you're just really not sure how to approach it. 271 00:17:06,137 --> 00:17:08,043 So, let's get into that a little bit. 272 00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:12,093 Something that I really like from The Courage to Heal Workbook is that they 273 00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:14,960 talked about your support system and who should be in it. 274 00:17:14,995 --> 00:17:19,521 And they said this: "People in your support system believe you were abused 275 00:17:19,521 --> 00:17:24,311 and the abuse hurt you. They believe in your capacity to heal yourself. 276 00:17:25,195 --> 00:17:29,195 They like and respect you and see you as a good person who's 277 00:17:29,195 --> 00:17:32,934 having a rough time right now. By challenging your old ideas about 278 00:17:32,934 --> 00:17:38,082 yourself support people inspire you to grow. When you're around them 279 00:17:38,082 --> 00:17:43,060 you feel reassured, cared about and listened to." 280 00:17:43,071 --> 00:17:48,725 And I just want you to hear that because before you actually think someone's worthy 281 00:17:48,725 --> 00:17:52,607 of being in your support system consider whether those things are true. 282 00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:56,960 Whether they make you feel reassured, cared about and listened to. Do they 283 00:17:56,970 --> 00:18:01,596 believe the abuse happened and that it hurt you? And it was horribly damaging? 284 00:18:01,637 --> 00:18:08,377 We need to ensure that they understand. And that before anything else should be in 285 00:18:08,377 --> 00:18:11,670 place before we even try to talk to them about this because 286 00:18:11,677 --> 00:18:13,772 we need to ensure they are the right people. 287 00:18:13,772 --> 00:18:17,671 The best way to begin a conversation with a partner or loved one about the abuse is 288 00:18:17,671 --> 00:18:22,013 to take it at your own pace. And if you're in therapy I would encourage you to bring 289 00:18:22,038 --> 00:18:25,962 them in for a few sessions. Prep with your therapist what you're going to say, 290 00:18:25,962 --> 00:18:29,085 how you want to say it, things you want to get through so they can 291 00:18:29,085 --> 00:18:33,505 guide you along and ensure that that's happens in those sessions and that 292 00:18:33,522 --> 00:18:37,098 you're able to stay present and we're able to talk about things that are 293 00:18:37,128 --> 00:18:40,245 important so you feel all the information you wanted your spouse 294 00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:44,245 or loved one or partner to know is received.That you've said it and 295 00:18:44,245 --> 00:18:47,614 they've received it. And so talking in therapy can be really 296 00:18:47,614 --> 00:18:51,614 helpful and a supportive guide to get you through maybe something that's too 297 00:18:51,614 --> 00:18:54,714 difficult to do on your own. And know you don't have to share 298 00:18:54,755 --> 00:18:58,545 anything that you're not okay with right now. But in my experience and 299 00:18:58,611 --> 00:19:02,721 what The Courage to Heal Workbook talks about is the more you share the better. 300 00:19:02,721 --> 00:19:07,754 Because what we want them to be able to hear is that something horrific happened. 301 00:19:07,754 --> 00:19:11,680 And if they know maybe how it happened they can understand why certain behaviors 302 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,784 and things they've done in the past are 303 00:19:13,784 --> 00:19:16,560 so disruptive to you and so maybe triggering. 304 00:19:16,585 --> 00:19:20,585 And having them know some of those details even though I know it's hard to talk about 305 00:19:20,615 --> 00:19:25,855 it but that could just guide it a little bit more quickly and help them better. 306 00:19:25,888 --> 00:19:29,626 Understand where you're at and hopefully become a supportive person that could 307 00:19:29,654 --> 00:19:32,201 be caring and loving and understanding that 308 00:19:32,201 --> 00:19:34,442 you're having a really hard time right now. 309 00:19:34,443 --> 00:19:38,781 So take your time with it and know that it's even okay if we just start by saying 310 00:19:38,822 --> 00:19:43,742 "Hey I was abused when I was younger". That's a great start. If that's all 311 00:19:43,815 --> 00:19:48,235 we can get out now at least they know that. And we can move into the other 312 00:19:48,235 --> 00:19:50,697 portions as we feel that we're able to. 313 00:19:50,697 --> 00:19:53,637 It's important for them to understand it's not about them. 314 00:19:53,681 --> 00:19:57,696 It's actually about us and our process we just need them to understand 315 00:19:57,815 --> 00:20:01,408 what happened, what's going on with us now, so that they can work with us. 316 00:20:01,429 --> 00:20:05,679 So that we can work together. To heal and hopefully grow into having that healthy, 317 00:20:05,742 --> 00:20:09,742 happy, loving sex life. I would encourage you to start writing down how it feels for 318 00:20:09,784 --> 00:20:13,763 you and how certain behaviors or situations have caused you to feel 319 00:20:13,763 --> 00:20:17,274 triggered or dissociate and talk with them about it 320 00:20:17,274 --> 00:20:19,903 then end with what you need from them. How can they 321 00:20:19,925 --> 00:20:24,245 change those behaviors, or better support you in the moment so that you're 322 00:20:24,245 --> 00:20:28,038 working together. And you're not doing own thing while they do their own thing. 323 00:20:28,047 --> 00:20:33,366 Because then no one fully understands what the other is needing and the sex and your 324 00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:36,939 sex ife and your sexuality can't really improve with that person. 325 00:20:36,939 --> 00:20:42,098 Overall, in all of my experience working with couples and even families where we 326 00:20:42,128 --> 00:20:45,708 talk about sexual abuse, I find that if you're able, it's best done 327 00:20:45,757 --> 00:20:50,868 chronologically. I've had a lot of issues in the past where a wife was telling her 328 00:20:50,928 --> 00:20:55,095 husband about past childhood sexual abuse. She'll jump around because we know that 329 00:20:55,095 --> 00:20:57,965 sometimes it's hard to go in order, and maybe our memory's scattered about it. 330 00:20:57,965 --> 00:21:00,612 If we can keep it as chronological as 331 00:21:00,612 --> 00:21:02,911 possible they can actually follow along. 332 00:21:02,932 --> 00:21:05,906 When she was jumping around her husband was confused 333 00:21:05,945 --> 00:21:08,853 "wait was that when you were eight or was that the thing 334 00:21:08,881 --> 00:21:11,881 when you were six? Wait, I'm confused and is this okay?" 335 00:21:11,952 --> 00:21:17,231 So it left honestly more confusion than clarity. So if you're able, do your best 336 00:21:17,231 --> 00:21:19,761 to try to keep it in chronological order. 337 00:21:19,828 --> 00:21:23,998 And many of you asked me how do you even talk to a therapist about it? 338 00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:29,781 That's what we're here for! We've spent so much time in school and gathering hours 339 00:21:29,851 --> 00:21:33,851 and everything just to help people. And your relationship with your therapist 340 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:38,232 should be the first truly safe and supportive one you've had. 341 00:21:38,912 --> 00:21:43,808 So in all honesty, just blurt it out. If you're able to say it right before you 342 00:21:43,808 --> 00:21:46,519 leave knowing you aren't able to talk about it today 343 00:21:46,542 --> 00:21:49,563 but you want them to know do it. If you gotta write it down 344 00:21:49,620 --> 00:21:53,378 write it down. I honestly don't care how you get it out 345 00:21:53,378 --> 00:21:55,602 but, however you can verbally express it 346 00:21:55,606 --> 00:21:57,254 please just tell them. 347 00:21:57,257 --> 00:21:59,397 Know that they're not going to judge you. 348 00:21:59,397 --> 00:22:02,486 If they're a good therapist they're going to feel for you 349 00:22:02,486 --> 00:22:05,360 They're going to want to help you better understand. Better 350 00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:08,577 talk it through, process it, so that you start to feel better. 351 00:22:08,577 --> 00:22:13,491 Overall that's our goal as therapists is just to help you feel better. The 352 00:22:13,491 --> 00:22:15,993 sooner you can get it out and tell them what's going 353 00:22:15,993 --> 00:22:17,774 on and what happened the sooner 354 00:22:17,774 --> 00:22:18,564 you'll start 355 00:22:18,564 --> 00:22:19,329 feeling better. 356 00:22:19,329 --> 00:22:20,499 This video has been brought to you by the 357 00:22:20,499 --> 00:22:22,009 Kinions on Patreon. 358 00:22:22,009 --> 00:22:24,058 If you would like to support the creation 359 00:22:24,058 --> 00:22:25,637 of these mental health videos 360 00:22:25,648 --> 00:22:27,106 click the link by the description and check it out! 361 00:22:27,106 --> 00:22:31,106 I hope this video was helpful. I know it's super long. But there was so much content 362 00:22:31,107 --> 00:22:35,107 to cover. And I hope that you feel that you at least got one extra tool, or a 363 00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:39,759 little more clarity on how you can heal from your past sexual abuse. 364 00:22:39,759 --> 00:22:43,469 Like I said this is a series. This is only the second out of the total of 365 00:22:43,469 --> 00:22:47,011 four so make sure you're subscribed and have your notifications turned on so that 366 00:22:47,011 --> 00:22:49,177 when those are released you could watch those too! 367 00:22:47,741 --> 00:22:51,285 And I will see you next time! BYE!