0:00:00.000,0:00:04.974 Hey everybody! Today's video is the second[br]in a whole series I'm doing about sex. 0:00:04.974,0:00:10.420 Today's topic is how can surviving abuse [br]feel and how can we heal from it. 0:00:10.434,0:00:15.664 (intro music) 0:00:15.674,0:00:18.616 ...if you're new to my channel and [br]haven't subscribed why? 0:00:18.646,0:00:24.438 Do It now and turn on the notifications.[br]I release 2 videos/week. Don't miss them. 0:00:24.471,0:00:26.438 But let's jump into today's topic. 0:00:26.467,0:00:31.409 The first topic I want to jump into ...[br]Is about how surviving abuse can feel. 0:00:31.427,0:00:36.237 Is using sex as a coping skill [br]or as a way to self-harm. 0:00:36.259,0:00:40.438 ..I have older videos about the self-harm[br]component I'll link in description 0:00:40.438,0:00:42.417 but I want to get into that a[br]little more today. 0:00:42.417,0:00:46.442 The truth is we can use a lot of different[br]things to self-harm. 0:00:46.442,0:00:49.823 Sex is just another way that we can put [br]ourselves down. 0:00:49.866,0:00:54.195 Or seek out positive affirmation or [br]attention from someone else. 0:00:54.195,0:00:57.125 Or even as a way to completely numb out. 0:00:57.125,0:01:01.013 Many of my clients tell me that they've[br]engaged in sexual activity as a way to 0:01:01.013,0:01:05.613 prove to themselves that they are in fact [br]terrible or they are a whore or a slut or 0:01:05.613,0:01:08.063 something that was told to them when[br]the abuse was happening. 0:01:08.063,0:01:14.493 Some claim they use sex life to prove [br]they weren't actually worthy of true love 0:01:14.512,0:01:18.976 Not getting into relationships, having [br]casual trysts with a bunch of different 0:01:18.976,0:01:24.068 people was their way of maybe even [br]recreating a traumatizing situation. 0:01:24.068,0:01:27.775 As a way to either re-injure [br]themselves, or self-injure 0:01:27.775,0:01:30.622 or clients have said they [br]thought maybe it would turn out 0:01:30.622,0:01:31.807 differently this [br]time. 0:01:31.807,0:01:37.255 So our brain is giving us 2nd chance [br]to try to process happened to us. 0:01:37.255,0:01:41.445 I've had many of my clients who've had a [br]sexual abuse past tell me they've tried 0:01:41.445,0:01:44.962 to lie to themselves over the years. [br]Saying they enjoy rough sex. 0:01:44.962,0:01:49.769 They've done it as a way to take the [br]control back or to say that they enjoy 0:01:49.792,0:01:53.509 it and it's on their terms.[br]A lot of that is just us trying to cope. 0:01:53.509,0:01:57.509 So we're using the sex as a way to cope [br]with what happened to us. I've even had 0:01:57.536,0:02:03.333 people tell me after the abuse/rape [br]they tell themselves they love BDSM. 0:02:03.333,0:02:10.359 BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, [br]Dominance, Submission, Sadism & Masochism 0:02:10.361,0:02:14.234 Know that all the different behaviors [br]that I'm talking about are normal. 0:02:14.281,0:02:19.605 What they truly are is our brain's way[br]to try process what happened to us 0:02:19.605,0:02:24.585 Or help us heal. Even with self-injury [br]if we're using sex as a way to numb out 0:02:24.635,0:02:29.158 or as a way to prove that something's [br]different or to give our brain more time 0:02:29.206,0:02:34.134 to process. What ever the reason is [br]it's just us trying to survive. 0:02:34.137,0:02:39.122 So just know that nothing's wrong with you[br]and you're not weird or terrible or dirty 0:02:39.122,0:02:44.052 for engaging in this it's very common [br]when we've had abuse in our past and 0:02:44.052,0:02:48.926 truly what you're brain is trying to do is[br]help you survive and process through it. 0:02:48.926,0:02:53.152 And lastly I just want to note one of the [br]ways we can tell if the sex we're engaging 0:02:53.152,0:02:58.137 in is/not self-harm related is all about[br]the thought process leading up to it. 0:02:58.137,0:03:02.137 Is there a certain ritual that we do [br]ahead of time? Do we know we're going to 0:03:02.137,0:03:05.330 engage in the behavior and we're[br]prepping ourselves? I've heard from 0:03:05.371,0:03:09.127 a lot of you when it comes to your[br]self-injury as a whole there's a ritual 0:03:09.127,0:03:13.482 around it. How we clean, prep and clean[br]afterwards. There's all sorts of things we 0:03:13.492,0:03:17.377 do so notice if there's any patterns that[br]are very familiar to your self-injury. 0:03:17.399,0:03:22.339 And also, notice if you're doing it as a [br]way to harm yourself emotionally. 0:03:22.339,0:03:26.881 Does the sex make you feel dirty like a[br]whore, like you're a terrible person, 0:03:26.881,0:03:31.543 like you're just like the abuser told you[br]you were? Notice if that's what you're 0:03:31.573,0:03:34.123 proving when engaging in that sexual[br]behavior. [br] 0:03:34.141,0:03:36.838 That will tell you whether it's self-harm [br]related or not. 0:03:36.838,0:03:42.175 The next topic is hyper-sexuality[br]as a result of sexual abuse. 0:03:42.175,0:03:44.898 I have another video about this[br]I'll link in description. 0:03:44.906,0:03:47.238 But I want to get into this [br]just a bit more. 0:03:47.238,0:03:50.549 Hyper-sexuality as a result of abuse [br]means that we will 0:03:50.549,0:03:53.893 look to engage in sex frequently. 0:03:53.893,0:03:58.718 Almost impulsively. And we may even put[br]ourselves in some seriously dangerous 0:03:58.718,0:04:03.845 situations in order to feed that urge and [br]get the sex when we want it. 0:04:03.875,0:04:06.042 Like I talked about [br]in my older video, 0:04:06.050,0:04:07.617 I still believe this[br]is true 0:04:07.654,0:04:10.524 There are three main reasons we[br]act out in this way. 0:04:10.581,0:04:12.811 The first is to regain control. 0:04:12.811,0:04:16.811 Since being abused, especially if it[br]happened repeatedly, can make us feel like 0:04:16.834,0:04:20.644 we have no control over our body. [br]We have no control over whether we engage 0:04:20.644,0:04:23.977 in sex or not. It can leave us[br]feeling completely helpless. 0:04:23.977,0:04:28.171 Therefore, if we seek out sex ourselves[br]and we decide on our terms when we want to[br] 0:04:28.171,0:04:29.915 have it and who we[br]to have it with 0:04:29.915,0:04:31.816 it can be [br]our way of saying 0:04:31.817,0:04:35.051 "You know what! I get to[br]choose! I get to decide who I want to have 0:04:35.051,0:04:38.669 sex with and when because it's my[br]body and I'm regaining the control!" 0:04:38.669,0:04:41.233 Almost taking that control back[br]from our abuser. 0:04:41.233,0:04:43.465 The second reason is validation. 0:04:43.495,0:04:48.885 If we were abused in our formative years[br]and we never got to fully develop and 0:04:48.885,0:04:54.973 decide what sex meant for us and how sex[br]could be enjoyable for us we may see sex 0:04:54.973,0:04:57.880 as a way to get love and support [br]that we so desperately 0:04:57.880,0:04:58.881 needed as a child. 0:04:58.881,0:05:02.195 The abuse may have [br]been one of the only times someone gave 0:05:02.205,0:05:07.585 us undivided attention, told us they loved[br]us or held us when we wanted to be. 0:05:07.585,0:05:12.327 Therefore, we can believe that sex is the[br]only way someone can truly show us that 0:05:12.327,0:05:13.219 they love us. 0:05:13.219,0:05:18.657 So we'll seek it out as away to show [br]ourselves love and validate ourselves. 0:05:18.657,0:05:23.874 Being hyper-sexual really just means [br]that you're seeking out support and love 0:05:23.930,0:05:26.623 which is something that we all need. 0:05:26.623,0:05:31.824 The third and final reason that we may[br]engage in hyper-sexualized activity is 0:05:31.824,0:05:32.802 chemical. 0:05:32.802,0:05:35.802 I know this sounds crazy[br]but our brain actually releases 0:05:35.813,0:05:39.006 dopamine and serotonin [br]when we engage in sex 0:05:39.006,0:05:42.231 it triggers our reward system [br]and makes us feel good. 0:05:42.245,0:05:45.245 Therefore, we [br]could become "addicted" 0:05:45.245,0:05:47.666 to sex at a very young age. 0:05:47.666,0:05:51.666 And when we aren't engaging in [br]it we miss it and therefore, seek it out 0:05:51.688,0:05:54.008 and become hyper-sexualized. 0:05:54.008,0:05:58.008 And that seeking it out and feeling those[br]urges to engage in it again and get that 0:05:58.008,0:06:02.008 high again is why we may put ourselves [br]in some unsafe situations just to get it 0:06:02.008,0:06:08.114 any time we can however we can because[br]our brain and our body feel like 0:06:08.114,0:06:10.042 they're addicted to that behavior. 0:06:10.042,0:06:15.268 On the flip side many of you reported to [br]me that you have a complete lack of sexual 0:06:15.268,0:06:19.209 interest...at all.[br]Don't want anybody to touch us ever. [br] 0:06:19.209,0:06:23.679 Hugs are even a little <Ugh>even when we[br]really like the person. And this can be as 0:06:23.679,0:06:27.884 a result of sexual abuse too because in a[br]way we're keeping ourselves as safe-- 0:06:27.884,0:06:34.009 as possible--don't let--anybody--near--me [br]if I keep people away something terrible 0:06:34.009,0:06:35.827 like that will never happen again. 0:06:35.827,0:06:40.767 So it's sort of a defense mechanism. And [br]you can see why. I've even had a bunch of 0:06:40.767,0:06:44.212 my Eating Disorder clients tell me[br]they've gained or lost weight as a 0:06:44.212,0:06:48.470 result of the abuse. Because the abuser[br]may have said "oh I love how chubby your 0:06:48.470,0:06:53.413 thighs are" my clients have dropped weight[br]dramatically. Or an abuser saying 0:06:53.413,0:06:57.056 they really liked how really bony and[br]skinny they were "BOOM" my clients will 0:06:57.056,0:07:01.395 start to binge eat and so you can see how.[br]In a way, we're just trying to get people 0:07:01.395,0:07:04.957 away from us don't touch us and we're[br]trying to keep ourselves safe so that 0:07:04.957,0:07:06.219 it doesn't happen again. 0:07:06.219,0:07:10.216 The next topic I want to touch on briefly[br]is pregnancy and or abortion. 0:07:10.216,0:07:14.406 Many of you told me you became pregnant[br]and either aborted the baby, had a 0:07:14.406,0:07:18.245 miscarriage or decided to have it or put[br]it up for adoption as a result of abuse. 0:07:18.245,0:07:24.666 And the truth about this scenario is[br]obviously it's very common. If we're past 0:07:24.666,0:07:28.539 a certain age we can get pregnant. And [br]the thing that I would encourage you to do 0:07:28.539,0:07:30.253 is to talk to a therapist. 0:07:30.464,0:07:32.960 If you've lost a child or decided[br]to abort a child, 0:07:32.960,0:07:37.109 even if yo gave them up for adoption we[br]need to talk about that with someone and 0:07:37.109,0:07:42.148 give ourselves the time that we need to[br]fully grieve that loss. I truly believe 0:07:42.148,0:07:47.454 that a lot of the recovery process when[br]it comes to recovering from abuse is grief 0:07:48.262,0:07:51.753 We need to take time to grieve[br]the loss of our childhood and grieve the 0:07:51.753,0:07:56.535 loss of our ability to develop our sexual[br]life at our own pace. Or even grieving the 0:07:56.535,0:08:00.765 loss of a child that we had to give up or[br]we had to abort whatever it is I feel like 0:08:00.795,0:08:05.378 there's so much grief that needs to happen[br]when we work on our recovery from abuse. 0:08:05.812,0:08:09.931 So make sure that you give yourself the[br]time you need to grieve and also notice 0:08:09.940,0:08:15.031 how you talk to yourself about this. [br]There was nothing you did to cause this. 0:08:15.031,0:08:19.918 This is not your fault. So notice what you[br]say to yourself and do your best to 0:08:19.918,0:08:23.018 fight back and make it as[br]positive as possible. 0:08:23.018,0:08:25.124 Because THAT is when the [br]healing can begin. 0:08:25.124,0:08:28.380 The next topic is because I heard[br]from lot of you this is something 0:08:28.380,0:08:32.380 that you struggle with is ,"why does sex[br]feel dirty to me?" I was reading something 0:08:32.380,0:08:36.110 in the Courage to Heal Workbook[br]and I want to read it to you now. 0:08:36.952,0:08:41.402 The person who wrote this book said, "When[br]we are assaulted or abused in any way we 0:08:41.402,0:08:47.006 are not given the ability to develop our[br]sexuality at our own pace. We may not know 0:08:47.006,0:08:51.035 if we like sex, what kind of sex we enjoy,[br]or what healthy or happy pace we are 0:08:51.035,0:08:52.077 comfortable with." 0:08:52.478,0:08:58.286 Therefore, sex to us can seem very dirty, [br]forceful we can be told nasty things about 0:08:58.286,0:09:00.804 ourselves afterwards [br]or from those around us 0:09:00.804,0:09:01.951 who know it's [br]happening 0:09:01.965,0:09:03.182 and aren't[br]getting us help, 0:09:03.182,0:09:06.656 will think we caused it. [br]Therefore we interpret sex and 0:09:06.666,0:09:10.567 it's whole act as really[br]dirty and terrible. 0:09:10.797,0:09:14.985 I find the feelings to especially come[br]out when my clients are in session with me 0:09:15.023,0:09:19.394 trying to work on it. And I think that [br]happens because something we do in therapy 0:09:19.403,0:09:24.392 if we recognize it or not is we talk about[br]how bad it was and how nasty and 0:09:24.392,0:09:28.999 terrible that person that did it to us was[br]and so all of that in a way is kind of 0:09:28.999,0:09:34.161 telling us that the whole sexual...maybe[br]any sexual experience we've ever had... 0:09:34.161,0:09:38.564 maybe those are the only ones we've had...[br]we interpret that as that all being dirty. 0:09:38.591,0:09:43.552 Meaning we might blanket or umbrella the[br]whole act of sex under that and call it 0:09:43.552,0:09:48.184 all dirty. And we can also just feel dirty[br]ourselves because of what happened to us. 0:09:48.184,0:09:52.339 I've had a lot of my clients tell me that[br]after their abuser was done they would 0:09:52.352,0:09:55.961 go into the shower and they'd scrub[br]themselves almost raw. 0:09:55.961,0:09:59.420 And if you were raised in any kind of[br]religious environment and you're taught to 0:09:59.420,0:10:03.199 think that sex is something to be saved[br]for marriage or for a serious relationship 0:10:03.199,0:10:07.094 or whatever you believe. Therefore if it's[br]happening outside of that or if it's 0:10:07.094,0:10:10.426 happening from someone who's maybe in a [br]relationship with someone else we can 0:10:10.426,0:10:12.097 interpret that as being bad. 0:10:12.097,0:10:16.432 In order to overcome all of these thoughts[br]that might be swirling we need to reclaim 0:10:16.463,0:10:18.531 our own sexuality. 0:10:18.531,0:10:20.654 That's what we're[br]going to jump into next. 0:10:20.654,0:10:23.644 If you haven't seen another one of my[br]videos where I've talked about this before 0:10:23.644,0:10:27.184 I'm a huge supporter of this book [br]The Courage to Heal Workbook. 0:10:27.184,0:10:30.965 I honestly think just the original is good[br]but I know there are a lot of 0:10:30.965,0:10:33.533 different versions out there now, [br]but this is amazing. 0:10:33.533,0:10:37.390 And a lot of the tips I'm going to talk[br]with you now about come from this book. 0:10:37.394,0:10:42.532 And the truth about childhood sexual abuse[br]or any sexual abuse at a young age is that 0:10:42.532,0:10:44.906 we aren't given the time needed[br]to develop our 0:10:44.906,0:10:47.481 own sense of our[br]sexuality it can feel 0:10:47.481,0:10:49.867 really rushed,[br]like it's at someone else's 0:10:49.867,0:10:54.046 pace because it truly is. [br]And so the trouble when we're an adult and 0:10:54.046,0:10:57.226 we're trying to heal and trying to have a[br]healthy happy sex life with someone that 0:10:57.246,0:11:01.373 we want to have sex with we can fall back[br]into that same pattern. 0:11:01.373,0:11:05.551 A lot of my clients have told their[br]boyfriend or husband or girlfriend or wife 0:11:05.551,0:11:08.837 has told them you know like <snap><snap> [br]lickety split like hurry up and get better[br] 0:11:08.837,0:11:12.531 and it's not like they say directly but[br]that's the message that my clients or my 0:11:12.531,0:11:16.531 patients that are struggling with this [br]receive. And so we need to make sure that 0:11:16.546,0:11:20.276 our recovery and our healing[br]is done at our own pace. 0:11:20.646,0:11:26.476 Anyone worth being with will be patient[br]with you and understand and be loving and[br] 0:11:26.476,0:11:30.721 supportive as you work through[br]a horrific trauma that occurred to you. 0:11:30.721,0:11:34.471 And something that The Courage to Heal[br]Workbook recommends is that we set some 0:11:34.471,0:11:39.111 ground rules for this whole healing[br]process. That way we know that we're doing 0:11:39.168,0:11:44.527 it at our own pace on our own schedule[br]in the way we want, and overall ensuring 0:11:44.527,0:11:47.648 that we're doing it for us[br]not for someone else. 0:11:47.648,0:11:53.557 So take some time consider why you want to[br]heal and why you want to have a healthy 0:11:53.557,0:11:57.910 happy sex life. And make sure that it's[br]because you want it for reasons that are 0:11:57.910,0:12:00.374 important and mean something to you. 0:12:00.377,0:12:05.438 If we don't do that we can add another[br]layer of trauma on top of the trauma we 0:12:05.438,0:12:09.349 already have without even realizing it so[br]just take some time and make sure 0:12:09.349,0:12:11.620 it's being done[br]because you want it to be done. 0:12:11.620,0:12:13.949 There are four steps to[br]walk through today. 0:12:13.949,0:12:19.882 And the first is making sure you're at a[br]place where you are ready to try to be 0:12:19.882,0:12:24.900 sexual again and have a healthy sexuality.[br]If you feel like you're barely surviving 0:12:24.952,0:12:29.467 you're having a ton of flashbacks, any[br]kind of embrace from your loved one sends 0:12:29.467,0:12:33.729 you into a dissociative state or possibly[br]back into that traumatic memory. You feel 0:12:33.729,0:12:37.703 like you're just barely keeping your head[br]above all of these symptoms 0:12:37.703,0:12:41.072 this might not be [br]the right time to try to do this. 0:12:41.072,0:12:44.539 There's going to be a lot of healing [br]we're going to have do before we 0:12:44.539,0:12:48.283 consider having a healthy sex life[br]with someone that we love. 0:12:48.313,0:12:50.525 We're going to have to do[br]all that work prior. 0:12:50.525,0:12:54.935 So just make sure you're at a place where[br]it's healthy and okay for you to even 0:12:54.935,0:12:57.349 attempt having a healthy sex life. 0:12:57.509,0:13:01.160 If you find you are in a place where[br]you're ready to start working on your 0:13:01.229,0:13:04.853 sexuality take that time that I just[br]talked about and consider why. 0:13:04.853,0:13:08.906 Is it because you want your body, bed or[br]you want your love life back? 0:13:08.906,0:13:10.806 What is it you're looking[br]forward to? 0:13:10.806,0:13:12.871 Why is this something[br]you want to work on? 0:13:12.871,0:13:16.164 This just ensures that we're doing it [br]for ourselves and no one else. 0:13:16.164,0:13:21.362 The second step I want you work on is to[br]then consider what sex is to you? 0:13:21.567,0:13:25.253 What is pleasurable? [br]Are their certain sexual acts that you[br] 0:13:25.283,0:13:29.063 enjoy more or less than others? [br]What is it that pleasure actually 0:13:29.072,0:13:31.076 means to you? [br]How would you define that? 0:13:31.098,0:13:35.398 Are there other ways you seek pleasure[br]out other than sex? What are those things? 0:13:35.503,0:13:38.935 The reason we consider all the[br]random questions and what sex means a a 0:13:38.945,0:13:44.275 whole and pleasure means to us all[br]together is because it helps us better 0:13:44.275,0:13:47.737 engage in the whole sex and[br]pleasure realm with more safety. 0:13:47.737,0:13:51.945 We can start with the things we know[br]we like.The things we know give us 0:13:51.945,0:13:56.712 pleasure or arousal and we can find ways[br]to do it maybe on our own in a more 0:13:56.712,0:13:58.129 safe environment. 0:13:58.166,0:14:01.488 They talk about this step in The[br]Courage to Heal Workbook as a way to 0:14:01.516,0:14:07.356 broaden our thoughts overall about sex so[br]that we can figure out what is pleasurable 0:14:07.356,0:14:14.121 to us and what feels good in our bodies[br]that way we can try to slowly step 0:14:14.168,0:14:17.947 toward sex in a way that[br]isn't actually sexual at all. 0:14:17.947,0:14:21.109 The third step is setting[br]some ground rules. 0:14:21.109,0:14:25.344 If you're working on this on your own[br]solo these are rules that work for you. 0:14:25.385,0:14:28.055 But if you're working with a partner I[br]would encourage you to put these rules 0:14:28.080,0:14:30.550 together and then talk to them about it. 0:14:30.550,0:14:34.164 But these rules overall need to be[br]created by you alone. 0:14:34.164,0:14:38.659 Making sure that these are rules are [br]important to you and help you feel safe. 0:14:38.746,0:14:41.762 Before we really get into the ground rules[br]I just wanted you to know that you can say 0:14:41.762,0:14:45.941 "NO" to sex at any time. [br]I don't care if you're just getting 0:14:45.941,0:14:49.964 started. I don't care if you're[br]fully engaged in sex. I don't care if you 0:14:49.964,0:14:54.012 think your partner is about to orgasm. [br]You can stop the sex at any time. 0:14:54.012,0:14:58.766 And I would consider adding that to your[br]ground rules so that you know if you feel 0:14:58.776,0:15:02.347 yourself slipping away and dissociating [br]or you're in a freeze state. 0:15:02.347,0:15:06.184 Know that you can say "NO" then. And [br]it can stop and you can have some 0:15:06.211,0:15:08.914 signals and some things that you can[br]talk out with your partner 0:15:08.914,0:15:11.601 so that they know that we need[br]to stop it right now. 0:15:11.632,0:15:15.703 What else goes on your list? [br]The Courage to Heal Workbook lists these 0:15:15.772,0:15:20.069 as thought or rule starters. [br]Under what conditions will I be sexual? 0:15:20.069,0:15:24.069 What are the boundaries and limits[br]I will want to set? Can I commit 0:15:24.095,0:15:28.442 to taking care of myself in a sexual[br]situation? And then consider how 0:15:28.442,0:15:29.783 it felt to create your rules. 0:15:29.822,0:15:32.164 Whether or not you feel you will be[br]able to uphold them 0:15:32.187,0:15:34.618 and who you want to share [br]your rules with. 0:15:34.618,0:15:38.458 I think these are all great starters for[br]us as we start to put together our own 0:15:38.458,0:15:40.371 ground rules for our sexual activity. 0:15:40.404,0:15:44.519 And forth and finally I want you to create[br]a list of sexual and physical things that 0:15:44.541,0:15:50.297 are okay or not okay to do. Listing them[br]either in a hierarchy or just as a list of 0:15:50.308,0:15:54.868 behaviors and different sexual acts or[br]physical touches that you can think of 0:15:54.879,0:15:58.092 and whether or not they are okay. And[br]maybe when they're okay or not 0:15:58.092,0:16:01.688 Is it only in certain situations? I know[br]this sounds like a lot of work 0:16:01.688,0:16:04.297 but it's important for you to take [br]time to figure out 0:16:04.297,0:16:06.508 what is okay and not [br]okay and why. 0:16:06.508,0:16:10.926 Let's say someone held our wrists in the[br]abuse in our past that's a NO GO. 0:16:10.926,0:16:13.817 That's definitely go on the list of [br]things that aren't okay. 0:16:13.817,0:16:17.915 And we're going to need to commit to being[br]able to do that and tell whoever we're 0:16:17.928,0:16:22.422 engaging in sexual behavior with that[br]that can't happen and that it's not okay. 0:16:22.448,0:16:27.092 And putting together this list just helps[br]us better solidify what things are fine 0:16:27.103,0:16:28.518 and what things aren't. 0:16:28.578,0:16:31.369 And also when you create this list I would[br]encourage you to share it with your 0:16:31.388,0:16:35.635 partner and have a conversation about it.[br]So they can better understand where 0:16:35.660,0:16:39.872 you're at, what's okay and not okay and[br]also know that you can come back to the 0:16:39.872,0:16:44.116 list and change it as certain things may[br]become okay and safe for you and others 0:16:44.116,0:16:46.236 may be removed. Think of it like a 0:16:46.236,0:16:48.709 living document you can [br]change as needed but make 0:16:48.709,0:16:50.870 sure you communicate [br]with your partner. 0:16:50.870,0:16:55.192 I heard from so many of you that you that[br]you have questions about how can we even 0:16:55.192,0:16:59.210 begin to communicate any of the[br]abuse stuff with our partner. 0:16:59.210,0:17:03.152 A lot of you said you just go silent or[br]you're afraid you're going to overwhelm 0:17:03.152,0:17:06.137 them and you're just really [br]not sure how to approach it. 0:17:06.137,0:17:08.043 So, let's get into that a little bit. 0:17:08.093,0:17:12.093 Something that I really like from The [br]Courage to Heal Workbook is that they 0:17:12.099,0:17:14.960 talked about your support system[br]and who should be in it. 0:17:14.995,0:17:19.521 And they said this: "People in your [br]support system believe you were abused 0:17:19.521,0:17:24.311 and the abuse hurt you. They believe in [br]your capacity to heal yourself. 0:17:25.195,0:17:29.195 They like and respect you and[br]see you as a good person who's 0:17:29.195,0:17:32.934 having a rough time right now. By[br]challenging your old ideas about 0:17:32.934,0:17:38.082 yourself support people inspire you[br]to grow. When you're around them 0:17:38.082,0:17:43.060 you feel reassured, cared about and[br]listened to." 0:17:43.071,0:17:48.725 And I just want you to hear that because[br]before you actually think someone's worthy 0:17:48.725,0:17:52.607 of being in your support system[br]consider whether those things are true. 0:17:53.113,0:17:56.960 Whether they make you feel reassured,[br]cared about and listened to. Do they 0:17:56.970,0:18:01.596 believe the abuse happened and that[br]it hurt you? And it was horribly damaging? 0:18:01.637,0:18:08.377 We need to ensure that they understand. [br]And that before anything else should be in 0:18:08.377,0:18:11.670 place before we even try [br]to talk to them about this because 0:18:11.677,0:18:13.772 we need to ensure[br]they are the right people. 0:18:13.772,0:18:17.671 The best way to begin a conversation with[br]a partner or loved one about the abuse is 0:18:17.671,0:18:22.013 to take it at your own pace. And if you're[br]in therapy I would encourage you to bring 0:18:22.038,0:18:25.962 them in for a few sessions. Prep with[br]your therapist what you're going to say, 0:18:25.962,0:18:29.085 how you want to say it, things you[br]want to get through so they can 0:18:29.085,0:18:33.505 guide you along and ensure that that's[br]happens in those sessions and that 0:18:33.522,0:18:37.098 you're able to stay present and we're able[br]to talk about things that are 0:18:37.128,0:18:40.245 important so you feel all the[br]information you wanted your spouse 0:18:40.245,0:18:44.245 or loved one or partner to know is[br]received.That you've said it and 0:18:44.245,0:18:47.614 they've received it. And so[br]talking in therapy can be really 0:18:47.614,0:18:51.614 helpful and a supportive guide to get you[br]through maybe something that's too 0:18:51.614,0:18:54.714 difficult to do on your own. [br]And know you don't have to share 0:18:54.755,0:18:58.545 anything that you're not okay with[br]right now. But in my experience and 0:18:58.611,0:19:02.721 what The Courage to Heal Workbook talks[br]about is the more you share the better. 0:19:02.721,0:19:07.754 Because what we want them to be able to[br]hear is that something horrific happened. 0:19:07.754,0:19:11.680 And if they know maybe how it happened[br]they can understand why certain behaviors 0:19:11.680,0:19:13.784 and things they've [br]done in the past are 0:19:13.784,0:19:16.560 so disruptive to you [br]and so maybe triggering. 0:19:16.585,0:19:20.585 And having them know some of those details[br]even though I know it's hard to talk about 0:19:20.615,0:19:25.855 it but that could just guide it a little[br]bit more quickly and help them better. 0:19:25.888,0:19:29.626 Understand where you're at and hopefully[br]become a supportive person that could 0:19:29.654,0:19:32.201 be caring and loving and [br]understanding that 0:19:32.201,0:19:34.442 you're having [br]a really hard time right now. 0:19:34.443,0:19:38.781 So take your time with it and know that [br]it's even okay if we just start by saying 0:19:38.822,0:19:43.742 "Hey I was abused when I was younger". [br]That's a great start. If that's all 0:19:43.815,0:19:48.235 we can get out now at least they know[br]that. And we can move into the other 0:19:48.235,0:19:50.697 portions as we feel that we're able to. 0:19:50.697,0:19:53.637 It's important for them to understand[br]it's not about them. 0:19:53.681,0:19:57.696 It's actually about us and our process[br]we just need them to understand 0:19:57.815,0:20:01.408 what happened, what's going on with us[br]now, so that they can work with us. 0:20:01.429,0:20:05.679 So that we can work together. To heal and[br]hopefully grow into having that healthy, 0:20:05.742,0:20:09.742 happy, loving sex life. I would encourage[br]you to start writing down how it feels for 0:20:09.784,0:20:13.763 you and how certain behaviors or[br]situations have caused you to feel 0:20:13.763,0:20:17.274 triggered or dissociate and talk [br]with them about it 0:20:17.274,0:20:19.903 then end with what you need[br]from them. How can they 0:20:19.925,0:20:24.245 change those behaviors, or better[br]support you in the moment so that you're 0:20:24.245,0:20:28.038 working together. And you're not doing own[br]thing while they do their own thing. 0:20:28.047,0:20:33.366 Because then no one fully understands what[br]the other is needing and the sex and your 0:20:33.366,0:20:36.939 sex ife and your sexuality [br]can't really improve with that person. 0:20:36.939,0:20:42.098 Overall, in all of my experience working[br]with couples and even families where we 0:20:42.128,0:20:45.708 talk about sexual abuse, I find that if[br]you're able, it's best done 0:20:45.757,0:20:50.868 chronologically. I've had a lot of issues [br]in the past where a wife was telling her 0:20:50.928,0:20:55.095 husband about past childhood sexual abuse.[br]She'll jump around because we know that 0:20:55.095,0:20:57.965 sometimes it's hard to go in order, and[br]maybe our memory's scattered about it. 0:20:57.965,0:21:00.612 If we can keep it as[br]chronological as 0:21:00.612,0:21:02.911 possible they can[br]actually follow along. 0:21:02.932,0:21:05.906 When she was jumping around [br]her husband was confused 0:21:05.945,0:21:08.853 "wait was that when you[br]were eight or was that the thing 0:21:08.881,0:21:11.881 when you were six? Wait, I'm [br]confused and is this okay?" 0:21:11.952,0:21:17.231 So it left honestly more confusion than[br]clarity. So if you're able, do your best 0:21:17.231,0:21:19.761 to try to keep it in chronological order. 0:21:19.828,0:21:23.998 And many of you asked me how do you[br]even talk to a therapist about it? 0:21:24.413,0:21:29.781 That's what we're here for! We've spent so[br]much time in school and gathering hours 0:21:29.851,0:21:33.851 and everything just to help people.[br]And your relationship with your therapist[br] 0:21:33.959,0:21:38.232 should be the first truly safe and[br]supportive one you've had. 0:21:38.912,0:21:43.808 So in all honesty, just blurt it out.[br]If you're able to say it right before you 0:21:43.808,0:21:46.519 leave knowing you aren't able to [br]talk about it today 0:21:46.542,0:21:49.563 but you want them to know [br]do it. If you gotta write it down 0:21:49.620,0:21:53.378 write it down. [br]I honestly don't care how you get it out 0:21:53.378,0:21:55.602 but, however you can [br]verbally express it 0:21:55.606,0:21:57.254 please just tell them.[br] 0:21:57.257,0:21:59.397 Know that they're not going to judge you. [br] 0:21:59.397,0:22:02.486 If they're a good therapist they're [br]going to feel for you 0:22:02.486,0:22:05.360 They're going to want to help[br]you better understand. Better 0:22:05.407,0:22:08.577 talk it through, process it, [br]so that you start to feel better. 0:22:08.577,0:22:13.491 Overall that's our goal as therapists[br]is just to help you feel better. The 0:22:13.491,0:22:15.993 sooner you can get it out and [br]tell them what's going 0:22:15.993,0:22:17.774 on and what happened [br]the sooner 0:22:17.774,0:22:18.564 you'll start 0:22:18.564,0:22:19.329 feeling better. 0:22:19.329,0:22:20.499 This video has been brought [br]to you by the 0:22:20.499,0:22:22.009 Kinions on Patreon. 0:22:22.009,0:22:24.058 If you would like to support[br]the creation 0:22:24.058,0:22:25.637 of these mental health videos 0:22:25.648,0:22:27.106 click the link by the description [br]and check it out! 0:22:27.106,0:22:31.106 I hope this video was helpful. I know it's[br]super long. But there was so much content 0:22:31.107,0:22:35.107 to cover. And I hope that you feel that[br]you at least got one extra tool, or a 0:22:35.145,0:22:39.759 little more clarity on how you can heal[br]from your past sexual abuse. 0:22:39.759,0:22:43.469 Like I said this is a series. This is[br]only the second out of the total of 0:22:43.469,0:22:47.011 four so make sure you're subscribed and[br]have your notifications turned on so that 0:22:47.011,0:22:49.177 when those are released you could watch [br]those too! 0:22:47.741,0:22:51.285 And I will see you next time! [br]BYE!