[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.55,0:00:04.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, so today I want to talk about\Nhow we talk about love.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.30,0:00:06.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And specifically,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.41,0:00:09.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to talk about what's wrong\Nwith how we talk about love.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.75,0:00:15.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of us will probably fall in love\Na few times over the course of our lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.76,0:00:17.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in the English language,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.83,0:00:18.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this metaphor,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.97,0:00:20.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,falling,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.06,0:00:23.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is really the main way that we\Ntalk about that experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.64,0:00:24.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know about you,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.81,0:00:26.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but when I conceptualize this metaphor,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.95,0:00:29.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what I picture is straight\Nout of a cartoon --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.20,0:00:31.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like there's a man,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.52,0:00:33.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's walking down the sidewalk,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.42,0:00:36.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without realizing it he crosses\Nover an open manhole,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.55,0:00:39.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he just plummets\Ninto the sewer below.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.24,0:00:44.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I picture it this way because\Nfalling is not jumping.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.82,0:00:47.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Falling is accidental,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.07,0:00:48.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's uncontrollable.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.80,0:00:52.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's something that happens to us\Nwithout our consent.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.38,0:00:53.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.69,0:00:57.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is the main way we talk\Nabout starting a new relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.34,0:01:02.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am a writer and I'm also\Nan English teacher,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.22,0:01:04.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which means I think about\Nwords for a living.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.53,0:01:08.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You could say that I get paid\Nto argue that the language we use matters,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.71,0:01:12.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would like to argue that many\Nof the metaphors we use
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.93,0:01:14.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to talk about love --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.52,0:01:16.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe even most of them --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.31,0:01:17.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are a problem.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.72,0:01:21.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, in love we fall.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.77,0:01:23.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're struck ...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.59,0:01:25.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are crushed ...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.64,0:01:27.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we swoon ...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.35,0:01:29.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we burn with passion.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.85,0:01:31.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love makes us crazy,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.98,0:01:33.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it makes us sick.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.87,0:01:35.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our hearts ache,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.43,0:01:37.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then they break.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.42,0:01:41.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So our metaphors equate\Nthe experience of loving someone
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.58,0:01:44.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to extreme violence or illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.26,0:01:45.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.16,0:01:48.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They do.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.16,0:01:50.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they position us as the victims
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.54,0:01:53.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of unforeseen and totally\Nunavoidable circumstances.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.64,0:01:57.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My favorite one of these is "smitten,"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.54,0:02:00.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the past participle\Nof the word smite.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.37,0:02:03.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you look this word up\Nin the dictionary --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.63,0:02:04.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.63,0:02:09.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You will see that it can be defined\Nas both grievous affliction
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.04,0:02:11.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to be very much in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.18,0:02:17.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I tend to associate the word smite\Nwith a very particular context,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.08,0:02:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the Old Testament.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.56,0:02:24.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the Book of Exodus alone\Nthere are 16 references to smiting,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.72,0:02:28.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the word that the bible uses\Nfor the vengeance of an angry God.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.87,0:02:32.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here we are using the same\Nword to talk about love
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.73,0:02:35.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we use to explain\Na plague of locusts.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.70,0:02:36.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.70,0:02:37.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.70,0:02:39.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, how did this happen?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.50,0:02:43.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How have we come to associate love\Nwith great pain and suffering?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.61,0:02:47.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why do we talk about\Nthis ostensibly good experience
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.67,0:02:49.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if we are victims?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.56,0:02:52.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are difficult questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.27,0:02:53.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I have some theories.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.94,0:02:55.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And to think this through,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.20,0:02:58.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to focus on one\Nmetaphor in particular,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.04,0:03:00.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the idea of love is madness.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.20,0:03:04.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I first started\Nresearching romantic love,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.03,0:03:06.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I found these madness\Nmetaphors everywhere.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.87,0:03:08.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The history of Western culture
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.73,0:03:12.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is full of language that equates\Nlove to mental illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.44,0:03:15.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are just a few examples.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.39,0:03:16.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,William Shakespeare:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.86,0:03:18.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Love is merely a madness,"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.32,0:03:19.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from "As You Like It."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.16,0:03:21.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Friedrich Nietsche,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.57,0:03:24.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"There is always some madness in love."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.75,0:03:27.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Got me looking, got me looking\Nso crazy in love -- "
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.64,0:03:29.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.65,0:03:32.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,From the great philosopher,\NBeyoncé Knowles.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.27,0:03:33.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.16,0:03:38.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I fell in love for the first\Ntime when I was 20,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.02,0:03:41.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was a pretty turbulent\Nrelationship right from the start.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.36,0:03:44.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was long distance\Nfor the first couple of years,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.87,0:03:49.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so for me that meant very\Nhigh highs and very low lows.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.04,0:03:52.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can remember one moment in particular.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.74,0:03:56.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was sitting on a bed\Nin a hostel in South America,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.11,0:03:59.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was watching the person\NI love walk out the door.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.22,0:04:02.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was late,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.04,0:04:03.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was nearly midnight,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.33,0:04:05.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.33,0:04:07.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when we got back to our room,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.30,0:04:10.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he threw his things in the bag\Nand stormed out.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.31,0:04:14.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,While I can no longer remember\Nwhat that argument was about,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.70,0:04:18.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I very clearly remember\Nhow I felt watching him leave.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.12,0:04:20.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I was 22,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.88,0:04:23.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was my first time\Nin the developing world,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.75,0:04:25.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was totally alone.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.59,0:04:30.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had another week until my flight home,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.13,0:04:32.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I knew the name\Nof the town that I was in,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.52,0:04:36.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the name of the city \Nthat I needed to get to to fly out,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.13,0:04:40.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I had no idea how to get around,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.06,0:04:43.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no guidebook and very little money,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.33,0:04:45.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I spoke no Spanish.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.55,0:04:47.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Someone more adventurous than me
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.89,0:04:50.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,might have seen this as\Na moment of opportunity,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.43,0:04:52.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I just froze.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.58,0:04:54.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just sat there.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.82,0:04:56.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I burst into tears.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.56,0:04:59.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But despite my panic,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.95,0:05:02.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some small voice in my head thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.54,0:05:04.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Wow, that was dramatic.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.96,0:05:07.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I must really be doing\Nthis love thing right."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.99,0:05:09.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.42,0:05:14.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because some part of me\Nwanted to feel miserable in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.34,0:05:16.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it sounds so strange to me now,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.31,0:05:17.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but at 22,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.80,0:05:21.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I longed to have dramatic experiences,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:21.28,0:05:26.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in that moment I was irrational\Nand furious and devastated,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.22,0:05:27.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and weirdly enough,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.46,0:05:30.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought that this somehow\Nlegitimized the feelings I had
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.86,0:05:32.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the guy who had just left me.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.35,0:05:38.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think on some level I wanted\Nto feel a little bit crazy,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.74,0:05:42.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I thought that\Nthat was how loved worked.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.33,0:05:45.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This really should not be surpsising
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.36,0:05:47.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,considering that according to Wikipedia,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.70,0:05:49.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are eight films,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.95,0:05:51.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,14 songs,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.97,0:05:55.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,two albums and one novel\Nwith the title "Crazy Love."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.02,0:05:57.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,About half-an-hour later,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.62,0:05:59.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he came back to our room.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.06,0:06:00.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We made up,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.06,0:06:03.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we spent another mostly\Nhappy week travelling together,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.24,0:06:04.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then when I got home,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.69,0:06:10.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought, "That was so\Nterrible and so great,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.13,0:06:12.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this must be a real romance."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.26,0:06:15.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I expected my first love\Nto feel like madness,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.98,0:06:19.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and of course it met\Nthat expectation very well.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.12,0:06:21.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But loving someone like that --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.83,0:06:25.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if my entire well-being depended\Non him loving me back --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.98,0:06:28.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was not very good for me,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.18,0:06:29.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or for him.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.98,0:06:33.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I suspect this experience of love\Nis not that unusual.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.14,0:06:38.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of us do feel a bit mad\Nin the early stages of romantic love.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.86,0:06:43.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact there is research to confirm\Nthat this is somewhat normal,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.37,0:06:45.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because neurochemically speaking,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.28,0:06:50.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,romantic love and mental illness\Nare not that easily distinguished.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.17,0:06:52.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is true.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.29,0:06:56.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, this study from 1999 used blood tests
Dialogue: 0,0:06:56.87,0:07:00.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to confirm that the serotonin\Nlevels of the newly in love
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.07,0:07:02.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,very closely resemembeled\Nthe serotonin levels
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.74,0:07:06.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of people who had been diagnosed\Nwith Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.21,0:07:07.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.21,0:07:08.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.20,0:07:10.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and low levels of serotonin
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.12,0:07:13.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are also associated\Nwith Seasonal affective disorder
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.65,0:07:15.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and Depression.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.69,0:07:18.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, there is some evidence
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.14,0:07:22.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that love is associated with changes\Nto our moods and our behaviors,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.43,0:07:25.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there are other studies
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.39,0:07:30.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to confirm that most\Nrelationships begin this way.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.81,0:07:34.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Researchers believe \Nthat the low levels of serotonin
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.99,0:07:39.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is correlated with obsessive thinking\Nabout the object of love,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.22,0:07:43.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is like this feeling that someone\Nhas set up camp in your brain.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.16,0:07:46.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And most of us feel this way\Nwhen we first fall in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.11,0:07:49.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the good news is that it\Ndoesn't always last that long --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.37,0:07:52.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,usually from a few months\Nto a couple of years.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.59,0:07:56.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I got back from\Nmy trip to South America,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.33,0:07:59.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spent a lot of time alone in my room,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.93,0:08:01.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,checking my email,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.32,0:08:03.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desperate to hear from the guy I loved.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.74,0:08:10.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I decided that if my friends could not\Nunderstand my grievous affliction,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.05,0:08:12.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I did not need their friendship.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.07,0:08:14.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I stopped hanging out\Nwith most of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.46,0:08:19.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was probably the most\Nunhappy year of my life,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.34,0:08:23.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think I felt like it was\Nmy job to be miserable,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.90,0:08:25.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because if I could be miserable,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.72,0:08:28.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I would prove how much I loved him,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.60,0:08:30.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if I could prove it,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.50,0:08:33.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we would have to\Nend up together eventually.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.26,0:08:36.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the real madness,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.38,0:08:38.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because there is no cosmic rule
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.79,0:08:42.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that says that great suffering\Nequals great reward,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.58,0:08:46.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we talk about love as if this is true.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.74,0:08:51.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our experiences of love are both\Nbiological and cultural.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.77,0:08:54.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our biology tells us that love is good
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.48,0:08:57.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by activating these reward\Ncircuits in our brain,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.65,0:09:02.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it tells us that love is painful\Nwhen after a fight or a breakup
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.30,0:09:04.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.33,0:09:06.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in fact --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.33,0:09:07.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and maybe you've heard this --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.85,0:09:09.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,neurochemically speaking,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.72,0:09:13.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,going through a breakup is a lot\Nlike going through cocaine withdrawal,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.87,0:09:15.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which I find reassuring --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.52,0:09:16.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.24,0:09:20.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then our culture uses language
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.10,0:09:22.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to shape and reinforce\Nthese ideas about love.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:22.90,0:09:23.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In this case,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.90,0:09:27.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're talking about metaphors\Nabout pain, and addiction, and madness.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.83,0:09:30.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.64,0:09:34.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love is powerful and at times painful,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.18,0:09:37.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we express this\Nin our words and stories,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.32,0:09:43.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but then our words and stories prime us\Nto expect love to be powerful and painful.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.08,0:09:45.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's interesting to me
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.58,0:09:50.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that all of this happens in a culture\Nthat values lifelong monogamy.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.81,0:09:53.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It seems like we want it both ways:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.01,0:09:55.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we want love to feel like madness,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.84,0:09:58.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we want it to last an entire lifetime.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.62,0:10:01.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That sounds terrible.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.54,0:10:03.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:04.05,0:10:05.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To reconcile this,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.67,0:10:10.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we need to either change our culture\Nor change our expectations.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.54,0:10:15.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, imagine if we were all\Nless passive in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.79,0:10:20.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we were more assertive,\Nmore open-mined, more generous,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.08,0:10:23.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and instead of falling in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:23.35,0:10:25.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we stepped into love.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.33,0:10:28.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that this is asking a lot,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.39,0:10:32.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm not actually the first\Nperson to suggest this.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.18,0:10:35.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In their book "Metaphors We Live By,"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.76,0:10:40.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff\Nsuggest a really interesting solution
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.68,0:10:42.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to this dilemna,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.59,0:10:45.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is to change our metaphors.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.93,0:10:51.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They argue that metaphors really do\Nshape the way we experience the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.24,0:10:54.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that they can even act\Nas a guide for future actions,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.82,0:10:56.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like self-fulfilling prophecies.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.61,0:11:02.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Johnson and Lakoff suggest\Na new metaphor for love:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.11,0:11:04.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love is a collaborative work of art.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.00,0:11:08.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really like this way\Nof thinking about love.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.17,0:11:12.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Linguists talk about metaphors\Nas having entailments,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.80,0:11:16.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is essentially a way of considering\Nall the implications of,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.62,0:11:19.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or ideas contained\Nwithin a given metaphor.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.55,0:11:22.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Johnson and Lakoff\Ntalk about everything
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.35,0:11:25.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that collaborating\Non a work of art entails:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.05,0:11:29.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,effort, compromise,\Npatience, shared goals.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.74,0:11:33.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These ideas align nicely\Nwith our cultural investment
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.70,0:11:35.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in long-term romantic commitment,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.88,0:11:40.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they also work well\Nfor other kinds of relationships --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.21,0:11:45.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,short-term, casual, polyamorous,\Nnon-monogamous, asexual --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.77,0:11:49.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because this metaphor brings\Nmuch more complex ideas
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.72,0:11:51.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the experience of loving someone.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.67,0:11:57.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if love is a collaborative work of art,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:57.30,0:12:01.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then love is an aesthetic experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.68,0:12:04.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love is unpredictable,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.26,0:12:07.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love is creative,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:07.09,0:12:11.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love requires communication\Nand discipline,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.24,0:12:14.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is frustrating and\Nemotionally demanding,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.98,0:12:18.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and love involves both joy and pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.99,0:12:22.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ultimately, each experience\Nof love is different.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.85,0:12:25.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was younger,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.64,0:12:27.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it never occurred to me
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.09,0:12:30.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I was allowed to demand\Nmore from love,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.38,0:12:34.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I didn't have to just accept\Nwhatever love offered.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.100,0:12:38.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.72,0:12:42.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when 14-year-old Juliet\Ncannot be with Romeo,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.40,0:12:44.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whom she has met four days ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.97,0:12:49.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she does not feel\Ndisappointed or angsty --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.08,0:12:50.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where is she?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.53,0:12:52.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She wants to die.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:52.33,0:12:53.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.33,0:12:54.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And just as a refesher,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.62,0:12:55.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at this point in the play
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.90,0:12:57.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,act three of five,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.32,0:12:59.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Romeo is not dead.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.74,0:13:01.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's alive,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.19,0:13:02.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's healthy,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.75,0:13:05.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's just been banished from the city.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:06.03,0:13:12.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand that sixteenth-century Verona\Nis unlike contemporary North America,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.12,0:13:15.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet when I first read this play --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.01,0:13:17.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,also at age 14 --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.51,0:13:20.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Juliet's suffering made sense to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.54,0:13:26.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Reframing love as something\NI get to create with someone I admire,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.91,0:13:31.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,rather than something that just happens\Nto me without my conrol or consent,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.90,0:13:33.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is empowering.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.99,0:13:35.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's still hard.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.63,0:13:41.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love still feels totally maddening\Nand crushing some days,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:41.07,0:13:43.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when I feel really frustrated,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.21,0:13:45.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to remind myself:
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.15,0:13:48.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my job in this relationship\Nis to talk to my partner
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.51,0:13:50.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about what I want to make together.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:52.08,0:13:55.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This isn't easy either,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.10,0:13:58.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's just so much better\Nthan the alternative,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.73,0:14:01.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is that thing\Nthat feels like madness.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.96,0:14:08.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love is not about winning\Nof losing someone's affection.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.99,0:14:12.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, it requires that you\Ntrust your partner,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.61,0:14:15.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and talk about things\Nwhen trusting feels difficult,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.83,0:14:18.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which sounds so simple,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:18.30,0:14:22.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but is actually a kind\Nof revolutionary, radical act.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:23.25,0:14:27.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is because you get to stop\Nthinking about yourself,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.40,0:14:30.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what you're gaining\Nor losing in your relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:30.66,0:14:34.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you get to start thinking\Nabout what you have to offer.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:35.01,0:14:38.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love\Nallows us to say things like,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:38.44,0:14:41.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey, we're not very good collaborators,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:41.77,0:14:43.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe this isn't for us,"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.89,0:14:47.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, "That relationship\Nwas shorter than I had planned,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.87,0:14:50.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it was still kind of beautiful."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:51.08,0:14:53.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The beautiful thing about\Nthe collaborative work of art
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.89,0:14:56.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that it will not paint\Nor draw or sculpt itself.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:57.27,0:15:01.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love allows us\Nto decide what it looks like.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:01.03,0:15:02.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:02.08,0:15:03.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)