0:00:00.553,0:00:04.894
OK, so today I want to talk about[br]how we talk about love.

0:00:05.302,0:00:06.411
And specifically,

0:00:06.411,0:00:09.846
I want to talk about what's wrong[br]with how we talk about love.

0:00:10.753,0:00:15.762
Most of us will probably fall in love[br]a few times over the course of our lives,

0:00:15.762,0:00:17.834
and in the English language,

0:00:17.834,0:00:18.970
this metaphor,

0:00:18.970,0:00:20.060
falling,

0:00:20.060,0:00:23.074
is really the main way that we[br]talk about that experience.

0:00:23.642,0:00:24.806
I don't know about you,

0:00:24.806,0:00:26.954
but when I conceptualize this metaphor,

0:00:26.954,0:00:29.832
what I picture is straight[br]out of a cartoon.

0:00:30.196,0:00:31.515
Like there's a man,

0:00:31.515,0:00:33.419
he's walking down the sidewalk,

0:00:33.419,0:00:36.554
without realizing it he crosses[br]over an open manhole,

0:00:36.554,0:00:39.946
and he just plummets[br]into the sewer below.

0:00:40.238,0:00:44.318
And I picture it this way because[br]falling is not jumping.

0:00:44.825,0:00:47.074
Falling is accidental,

0:00:47.074,0:00:48.805
it's uncontrollable.

0:00:48.805,0:00:52.077
It's something that happens to us[br]without our consent.

0:00:52.380,0:00:53.694
And this --

0:00:53.694,0:00:57.261
this is the main way we talk[br]about starting a new relationship.

0:00:58.337,0:01:02.225
I am a writer and I'm also[br]and English teacher,

0:01:02.225,0:01:04.533
which means I think about[br]words for a living.

0:01:04.533,0:01:08.706
You could say that I get paid[br]to argue that the language we use matters,

0:01:08.706,0:01:12.929
and I would like to argue that many[br]of the metaphors we use

0:01:12.929,0:01:14.519
to talk about love --

0:01:14.519,0:01:16.310
maybe even most of them --

0:01:16.310,0:01:17.879
are a problem.

0:01:18.717,0:01:21.350
So, in love we fall.

0:01:21.766,0:01:23.588
We're struck ...

0:01:23.588,0:01:25.641
we are crushed ...

0:01:25.641,0:01:27.353
we swoon ...

0:01:27.353,0:01:29.150
we burn with passion.

0:01:29.849,0:01:31.983
Love makes us crazy,

0:01:31.983,0:01:33.596
and it makes us sick.

0:01:33.868,0:01:35.429
Our hearts ache,

0:01:35.429,0:01:37.435
and then they break.

0:01:38.417,0:01:41.584
So our metaphors equate[br]the experience of loving someone

0:01:41.584,0:01:44.260
to extreme violence or illness.

0:01:44.260,0:01:45.760
(Laughter)

0:01:47.159,0:01:48.164
They do.

0:01:48.164,0:01:50.542
And they position us as the victims

0:01:50.542,0:01:53.797
of unforeseen and totally[br]unavoidable circumstances.

0:01:54.642,0:01:57.544
My favorite one of these is "smitten,"

0:01:57.544,0:02:00.366
which is the past participle[br]of the word smite.

0:02:00.366,0:02:03.628
And if you look this word up[br]in the dictionary --

0:02:03.628,0:02:04.628
(Laughter)

0:02:04.628,0:02:09.045
You will see that it can be defined[br]as both grievous affliction

0:02:09.045,0:02:11.896
and to be very much in love.

0:02:13.181,0:02:17.084
So, I tend to associate the word smite[br]with a very particular context,

0:02:17.084,0:02:18.816
which is the Old Testament.

0:02:19.560,0:02:24.720
In the Book of Exodus alone[br]there are 16 references to smiting,

0:02:24.720,0:02:28.516
which is the word that the bible uses[br]for the vengeance of an angry God.

0:02:29.874,0:02:32.733
Here we are using the same[br]word to talk about love

0:02:32.733,0:02:35.379
that we use to explain[br]a plague of locusts.

0:02:35.702,0:02:36.703
(Laughter)

0:02:36.703,0:02:37.695
Right?

0:02:37.695,0:02:39.501
So, how did this happen?

0:02:39.501,0:02:43.339
How have we come to associate love[br]with great pain and suffering?

0:02:43.611,0:02:47.674
And why do we talk about[br]this ostensibly good experience

0:02:47.674,0:02:49.778
as if we are victims?

0:02:50.556,0:02:52.271
These are difficult questions,

0:02:52.271,0:02:53.671
but I have some theories.

0:02:53.941,0:02:55.199
And to think this through,

0:02:55.199,0:02:58.043
I want to focus on one[br]metaphor in particular,

0:02:58.043,0:03:00.470
which is the idea of love is madness.

0:03:01.199,0:03:04.028
When I first started[br]researching romantic love,

0:03:04.028,0:03:06.867
I found these madness[br]metaphors everywhere.

0:03:06.867,0:03:08.731
The history of Western culture

0:03:08.731,0:03:12.942
is full of language that equates[br]love to mental illness.

0:03:13.440,0:03:15.391
These are just a few examples.

0:03:15.391,0:03:16.863
William Shakespeare:

0:03:16.863,0:03:18.319
"Love is merely a madness,"

0:03:18.319,0:03:19.786
from "As You Like It."

0:03:20.164,0:03:21.573
Friedrich Nietsche,

0:03:21.573,0:03:24.370
"There is always some madness in love."

0:03:24.750,0:03:27.639
"Got me looking, got me looking[br]so crazy in love -- "

0:03:27.639,0:03:29.027
(Laughter)

0:03:29.648,0:03:32.269
From the great philosopher,[br]Beyoncé Knowles.

0:03:32.269,0:03:33.622
(Laughter)

0:03:35.163,0:03:38.020
I fell in love for the first[br]time when I was 20,

0:03:38.020,0:03:41.036
and it was a pretty turbulent[br]relationship right from the start.

0:03:41.363,0:03:44.874
And it was long distance[br]for the first couple of years,

0:03:44.874,0:03:49.470
so for me that meant very[br]high highs and very low lows.

0:03:50.041,0:03:52.742
I can remember one moment in particular;

0:03:52.742,0:03:56.110
I was sitting on a bed[br]in a hostel in South America,

0:03:56.110,0:03:59.806
and I was watching the person[br]I love walk out the door.

0:04:00.222,0:04:02.045
And it was late,

0:04:02.045,0:04:03.328
it was nearly midnight,

0:04:03.328,0:04:05.328
we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,

0:04:05.328,0:04:07.300
and when we got back to our room,

0:04:07.300,0:04:10.380
he threw his things in the bag[br]and stormed out.

0:04:11.308,0:04:14.703
While I can no longer remember[br]what that argument was about,

0:04:14.703,0:04:18.758
I very clearly remember[br]how I felt watching him leave.

0:04:19.122,0:04:20.878
So I was 22,

0:04:20.878,0:04:23.750
it was my first time[br]in the developing world,

0:04:23.750,0:04:25.971
and I was totally alone.

0:04:26.587,0:04:30.134
I had another week until my flight home,

0:04:30.134,0:04:32.525
and I knew the name[br]of the town that I was in,

0:04:32.525,0:04:36.131
and the name of the city [br]that I needed to get to to fly out,

0:04:36.131,0:04:40.057
but I had no idea how to get around,

0:04:40.057,0:04:43.327
I had no guidebook and very little money,

0:04:43.327,0:04:45.097
and I spoke no Spanish.

0:04:45.547,0:04:47.893
So, someone more adventurous than me

0:04:47.893,0:04:50.429
might have seen this as[br]a moment of opportunity,

0:04:50.429,0:04:52.259
but I just froze.

0:04:52.581,0:04:54.818
I just sat there.

0:04:54.818,0:04:56.974
And then I burst into tears.

0:04:57.556,0:04:59.950
But despite my panic,

0:04:59.950,0:05:02.543
some small voice in my head thought,

0:05:02.543,0:05:04.956
"Wow, that was dramatic.

0:05:04.956,0:05:07.654
I must really be doing[br]this love thing right."

0:05:07.988,0:05:09.207
(Laughter)

0:05:09.417,0:05:14.084
Because some part of me[br]wanted to feel miserable in love.

0:05:14.337,0:05:16.313
And it sounds so strange to me now,

0:05:16.313,0:05:17.800
but at 22,

0:05:17.800,0:05:21.275
I longed to have dramatic experiences,

0:05:21.275,0:05:26.216
and in that moment I was irrational[br]and furious and devastated,

0:05:26.216,0:05:27.463
and weirdly enough,

0:05:27.463,0:05:30.862
I thought that this somehow[br]legitimized the feelings I had

0:05:30.862,0:05:32.907
for the guy who had just left me.

0:05:34.354,0:05:38.740
I think on some level I wanted[br]to feel a little bit crazy,

0:05:38.740,0:05:42.600
because I thought that[br]that was how loved worked.

0:05:43.332,0:05:45.355
This really should not be surpsising

0:05:45.355,0:05:47.697
considering that according to Wikipedia,

0:05:47.697,0:05:49.953
there are eight films,

0:05:49.953,0:05:51.973
14 songs,

0:05:51.973,0:05:55.399
two albums and one novel[br]with the title "Crazy Love."

0:05:56.020,0:05:57.616
About half-an-hour later,

0:05:57.616,0:05:59.059
he came back to our room.

0:05:59.059,0:06:00.055
We made up,

0:06:00.055,0:06:03.235
we spent another mostly[br]happy week travelling together,

0:06:03.235,0:06:04.690
and then when I got home,

0:06:04.690,0:06:10.133
I thought, "That was so[br]terrible and so great,

0:06:10.133,0:06:12.546
this must be a real romance."

0:06:13.261,0:06:15.984
I expected my first love[br]to feel like madness,

0:06:15.984,0:06:19.697
and of course it met[br]that expectation very well.

0:06:20.116,0:06:21.830
But loving someone like that --

0:06:21.830,0:06:25.978
as if my entire well-being depended[br]on him loving me back --

0:06:25.978,0:06:28.177
was not very good for me,

0:06:28.177,0:06:29.234
or for him.

0:06:29.985,0:06:33.686
But I suspect this experience of love[br]is not that unusual.

0:06:34.137,0:06:38.477
Most of us do feel a bit mad[br]in the early stages of romantic love.

0:06:38.863,0:06:43.367
In fact there is research to confirm[br]that this is somewhat normal,

0:06:43.367,0:06:45.276
because neurochemically speaking,

0:06:45.276,0:06:50.008
romantic love and mental illness[br]are not that easily distinguished.

0:06:51.172,0:06:52.292
This is true.

0:06:52.292,0:06:56.874
So, this study from 1999 used blood tests

0:06:56.874,0:07:00.071
to confirm that the serotonin[br]levels of the newly in love

0:07:00.071,0:07:02.743
very closely resemembeled[br]the serotonin levels

0:07:02.743,0:07:06.206
of people who had been diagnosed[br]with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

0:07:06.206,0:07:07.207
(Laughter)

0:07:07.207,0:07:08.205
Yes,

0:07:08.205,0:07:10.116
and low levels of serotonin

0:07:10.116,0:07:13.650
are also associated[br]with Seasonal affective disorder

0:07:13.650,0:07:15.107
and Depression.

0:07:15.687,0:07:18.137
So, there is some evidence

0:07:18.137,0:07:22.430
that love is associated with changes[br]to our moods and our behaviors,

0:07:22.430,0:07:25.388
and there are other studies

0:07:25.388,0:07:30.150
to confirm that most[br]relationships begin this way.

0:07:30.806,0:07:34.992
Researchers believe [br]that the low levels of serotonin

0:07:34.992,0:07:39.225
is correlated with obsessive thinking[br]about the object of love,

0:07:39.225,0:07:43.155
which is like this feeling that someone[br]has set up camp in your brain.

0:07:43.155,0:07:46.109
And most of us feel this way[br]when we first fall in love,

0:07:46.109,0:07:49.370
but the good news is that it[br]doesn't always last that long --

0:07:49.370,0:07:52.480
usually from a few months[br]to a couple of years.

0:07:53.590,0:07:56.332
When I got back from[br]my trip to South America,

0:07:56.332,0:07:59.932
I spent a lot of time alone in my room,

0:07:59.932,0:08:01.318
checking my email,

0:08:01.318,0:08:03.989
desperate to hear from the guy I loved.

0:08:04.744,0:08:10.052
I decided that if my friends could not[br]understand my grievous affliction,

0:08:10.052,0:08:12.074
then I did not need their friendship.

0:08:12.074,0:08:14.459
So, I stopped hanging out[br]with most of them.

0:08:14.459,0:08:19.341
And it was probably the most[br]unhappy year of my life,

0:08:19.341,0:08:23.905
but I think I felt like it was[br]my job to be miserable,

0:08:23.905,0:08:25.720
because if I could be miserable,

0:08:25.720,0:08:28.595
then I would prove how much I loved him,

0:08:28.595,0:08:30.503
and if I could prove it,

0:08:30.503,0:08:33.868
then we would have to[br]end up together eventually.

0:08:34.265,0:08:36.376
This is the real madness,

0:08:36.376,0:08:38.794
because there is no cosmic rule

0:08:38.794,0:08:42.581
that says that great suffering[br]equals great reward,

0:08:42.581,0:08:46.485
but we talk about love as if this is true.

0:08:47.742,0:08:51.481
Our experiences of love are both[br]biological and cultural.

0:08:51.774,0:08:54.477
Our biology tells us that love is good

0:08:54.477,0:08:57.654
by activating these reward[br]circuits in our brain,

0:08:57.654,0:09:02.297
and it tells us that love is painful[br]when after a fight or a breakup

0:09:02.297,0:09:04.876
that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.

0:09:05.332,0:09:06.329
And in fact --

0:09:06.329,0:09:07.848
and maybe you've heard this --

0:09:07.848,0:09:09.715
neurochemically speaking,

0:09:09.715,0:09:13.866
going through a breakup is a lot[br]like going through cocaine withdrawal,

0:09:13.866,0:09:15.525
which I find reassuring --

0:09:15.525,0:09:16.534
(Laughter)

0:09:17.241,0:09:20.096
And then our culture uses language

0:09:20.096,0:09:22.900
to shape and reinforce[br]these ideas about love.

0:09:22.900,0:09:23.895
In this case,

0:09:23.895,0:09:27.509
we're talking about metaphors[br]about pain, and addiction, and madness.

0:09:27.826,0:09:30.641
It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.

0:09:30.641,0:09:34.181
Love is powerful and at times painful,

0:09:34.181,0:09:37.325
and we express this[br]in our words and stories,

0:09:37.325,0:09:43.433
but then our words and stories prime us[br]to expect love to be powerful and painful.

0:09:44.075,0:09:45.577
What's interesting to me

0:09:45.577,0:09:50.105
is that all of this happens in a culture[br]that values lifelong monogamy.

0:09:50.810,0:09:53.013
It seems like we want it both ways:

0:09:53.013,0:09:55.838
we want love to feel like madness,

0:09:55.838,0:09:58.984
and we want it to last an entire lifetime.

0:09:59.617,0:10:01.179
That sounds terrible.

0:10:01.538,0:10:03.067
(Laughter)

0:10:04.051,0:10:05.670
To reconcile this,

0:10:05.670,0:10:10.695
we need to either change our culture[br]or change our expectations.

0:10:11.543,0:10:15.438
So, imagine if we were all[br]less passive in love.

0:10:15.786,0:10:20.085
If we were more assertive,[br]more open-mined, more generous,

0:10:20.085,0:10:23.352
and instead of falling in love,

0:10:23.352,0:10:25.503
we stepped into love.

0:10:26.326,0:10:28.393
I know that this is asking a lot,

0:10:28.393,0:10:32.158
but I'm not actually the first[br]person to suggest this.

0:10:33.179,0:10:35.764
In their book "Metaphors We Live By,"

0:10:35.764,0:10:40.683
linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff[br]suggest a really interesting solution

0:10:40.683,0:10:42.587
to this dilemna,

0:10:42.587,0:10:45.374
which is to change our metaphors.

0:10:45.930,0:10:51.238
They argue that metaphors really do[br]shape the way we experience the world,

0:10:51.238,0:10:54.815
and that they can even act[br]as a guide for future actions,

0:10:54.815,0:10:56.973
like self-fulfilling prophecies.

0:10:57.609,0:11:02.113
Johnson and Lakoff suggest[br]a new metaphor for love:

0:11:02.113,0:11:04.553
love is a collaborative work of art.

0:11:05.000,0:11:08.050
I really like this way[br]of thinking about love.

0:11:09.171,0:11:12.797
Linguists talk about metaphors[br]as having entailments,

0:11:12.797,0:11:16.616
which is essentially a way of considering[br]all the implications of,

0:11:16.616,0:11:19.546
or ideas contained[br]within a given metaphor.

0:11:19.546,0:11:22.347
And Johnson and Lakoff[br]talk about everything

0:11:22.347,0:11:25.048
that collaborating[br]on a work of art entails:

0:11:25.048,0:11:29.203
effort, compromise,[br]patience, shared goals.

0:11:29.735,0:11:33.698
These ideas align nicely[br]with our cultural investment

0:11:33.698,0:11:35.876
in long-term romantic commitment,

0:11:35.876,0:11:40.211
but they also work well[br]for other kinds of relationships --

0:11:40.211,0:11:45.774
short-term, casual, polyamorous,[br]non-monogamous, asexual --

0:11:45.774,0:11:49.724
because this metaphor brings[br]much more complex ideas

0:11:49.724,0:11:51.895
to the experience of loving someone.

0:11:52.670,0:11:57.295
So if love is a collaborative work of art,

0:11:57.295,0:12:01.012
then love is an aesthetic experience.

0:12:01.676,0:12:04.264
Love is unpredictable,

0:12:04.264,0:12:07.089
love is creative,

0:12:07.089,0:12:11.245
love requires communication[br]and discipline,

0:12:11.245,0:12:14.979
it is frustrating and[br]emotionally demanding,

0:12:14.979,0:12:18.418
and love involves both joy and pain.

0:12:18.988,0:12:22.823
Ultimately, each experience[br]of love is different.

0:12:23.854,0:12:25.635
When I was younger,

0:12:25.635,0:12:27.087
it never occurred to me

0:12:27.087,0:12:30.385
that I was allowed to demand[br]more from love,

0:12:30.385,0:12:34.078
that I didn't have to just accept[br]whatever love offered.

0:12:34.998,0:12:38.725
When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --

0:12:38.725,0:12:42.395
when 14-year-old Juliet[br]cannot be with Romeo,

0:12:42.395,0:12:44.969
whom she has met four days ago,

0:12:44.969,0:12:49.078
she does not feel[br]disappointed or angsty --

0:12:49.078,0:12:50.527
where is she?

0:12:50.527,0:12:52.334
She wants to die.

0:12:52.334,0:12:53.333
Right?

0:12:53.333,0:12:54.618
And just as a refesher,

0:12:54.618,0:12:55.904
at this point in the play

0:12:55.904,0:12:57.317
act three of five,

0:12:57.317,0:12:59.745
Romeo is not dead.

0:12:59.745,0:13:01.194
He's alive,

0:13:01.194,0:13:02.753
he's healthy,

0:13:02.753,0:13:05.193
he's just been banished from the city.

0:13:06.028,0:13:12.115
I understand that sixteenth-century Verona[br]is unlike contemporary North America,

0:13:12.115,0:13:15.010
and yet when I first read this play --

0:13:15.010,0:13:17.514
also at age 14 --

0:13:17.514,0:13:20.700
Juliet's suffering made sense to me.

0:13:21.542,0:13:26.907
Reframing love as something[br]I get to create with someone I admire,

0:13:26.907,0:13:31.896
rather than something that just happens[br]to me without my conrol or consent,

0:13:31.896,0:13:33.501
is empowering.

0:13:33.986,0:13:35.627
It's still hard.

0:13:35.627,0:13:41.073
Love still feels totally maddening[br]and crushing some days,

0:13:41.073,0:13:43.211
and when I feel really frustrated,

0:13:43.211,0:13:45.146
I have to remind myself

0:13:45.146,0:13:48.513
my job in this relationship[br]is to talk to my partner

0:13:48.513,0:13:50.694
about what I want to make together.

0:13:52.082,0:13:55.098
This isn't easy either,

0:13:55.098,0:13:58.728
but it's just so much better[br]than the alternative,

0:13:58.728,0:14:01.883
which is that thing[br]that feels like madness.

0:14:02.958,0:14:08.315
This version of love is not about winning[br]of losing someone's affection.

0:14:08.992,0:14:12.613
Instead, it requires that you[br]trust your partner,

0:14:12.613,0:14:15.826
and talk about things[br]when trusting feels difficult,

0:14:15.826,0:14:18.295
which sound so simple,

0:14:18.295,0:14:22.791
but is actually a kind[br]of revolutionary, radical act.

0:14:23.253,0:14:27.397
This is because you get to stop[br]thinking about yourself,

0:14:27.397,0:14:30.656
and what you're gaining[br]or losing in your relationship,

0:14:30.656,0:14:34.417
and you get to start thinking[br]about what you have to offer.

0:14:35.010,0:14:38.438
This version of love[br]allows us to say things like,

0:14:38.438,0:14:41.768
"Hey, we're not very good collaborators,

0:14:41.768,0:14:43.892
maybe this isn't for us,"

0:14:43.892,0:14:47.866
or, "That relationship[br]was shorter than I had planned,

0:14:47.866,0:14:50.362
but it was still kind of beautiful."

0:14:51.075,0:14:53.888
The beautiful thing about[br]the collaborative work of art

0:14:53.888,0:14:56.911
is that it will not paint[br]or draw or sculpt itself.

0:14:57.274,0:15:01.033
This version of love allows us[br]to decide what it looks like.

0:15:01.033,0:15:02.079
Thank you.

0:15:02.079,0:15:03.057
(Applause)