[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.55,0:00:04.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, so today I want to talk about\Nhow we talk about love.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.30,0:00:06.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And specifically,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.41,0:00:09.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to talk about what's wrong\Nwith how we talk about love.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.75,0:00:15.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of us will probably fall in love\Na few times over the course of our lives,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.76,0:00:17.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in the English language,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.83,0:00:18.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this metaphor,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.97,0:00:20.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,falling,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.06,0:00:23.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is really the main way that we\Ntalk about that experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.64,0:00:24.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know about you,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.81,0:00:26.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but when I conceptualize this metaphor,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.95,0:00:29.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what I picture is straight\Nout of a cartoon.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.20,0:00:31.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like there's a man,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.52,0:00:33.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's walking down the sidewalk,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.42,0:00:36.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without realizing it he crosses\Nover an open manhole,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.55,0:00:39.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he just plummets\Ninto the sewer below.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.24,0:00:44.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I picture it this way because\Nfalling is not jumping.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.82,0:00:47.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Falling is accidental,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.07,0:00:48.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's uncontrollable.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.80,0:00:52.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's something that happens to us\Nwithout our consent.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.38,0:00:53.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.69,0:00:57.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is the main way we talk\Nabout starting a new relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.34,0:01:02.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am a writer and I'm also\Nand English teacher,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.22,0:01:04.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which means I think about\Nwords for a living.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.53,0:01:08.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You could say that I get paid\Nto argue that the language we use matters,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.71,0:01:12.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would like to argue that many\Nof the metaphors we use
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.93,0:01:14.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to talk about love --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.52,0:01:16.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe even most of them --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.31,0:01:17.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are a problem.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.72,0:01:21.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, in love we fall.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.77,0:01:23.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're struck ...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.59,0:01:25.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are crushed ...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.64,0:01:27.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we swoon ...
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.35,0:01:29.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we burn with passion.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.85,0:01:31.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love makes us crazy,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.98,0:01:33.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it makes us sick.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.87,0:01:35.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our hearts ache,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.43,0:01:37.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then they break.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.42,0:01:41.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So our metaphors equate\Nthe experience of loving someone
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.58,0:01:44.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to extreme violence or illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.26,0:01:45.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.29,0:01:48.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They do.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.33,0:01:50.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they position us as the victims
Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.70,0:01:53.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of unforeseen and totally\Nunavoidable circumstances.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.83,0:01:57.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My favorite one of these is "smitten,"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.65,0:02:00.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the past participle\Nof the word smite.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.50,0:02:03.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you look this word up\Nin the dictionary --
Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.72,0:02:04.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.70,0:02:09.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You will see that it can be defined\Nas both grievous affliction
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.17,0:02:11.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to be very much in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.32,0:02:17.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I tend to associate the word smite\Nwith a very particular context,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.18,0:02:18.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the Old Testament.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.39,0:02:24.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the Book of Exodus alone\Nthere are 16 references to smiting,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.72,0:02:28.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the word that the bible uses\Nfor the vengeance of an angry God.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.99,0:02:32.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here we are using the same\Nword to talk about love
Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.88,0:02:35.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we use to explain\Na plague of locusts.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.08,0:02:36.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.05,0:02:37.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.06,0:02:39.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So how did this happen?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.80,0:02:43.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How have we come to associate love\Nwith great pain and suffering?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.72,0:02:47.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why do we talk about this\Nobsentibly good experience
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.85,0:02:49.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if we are victims?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.56,0:02:52.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are difficult questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.46,0:02:53.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I have some theories.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.11,0:02:55.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And to think this through,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.35,0:02:57.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to focus on one\Nmetaphor in particular,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.13,0:03:00.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the idea of love is madness.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.34,0:03:03.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I first started\Nresearching romantic love,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.09,0:03:06.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I found these madness\Nmetaphors everywhere.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.00,0:03:08.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The history of Western culture
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.84,0:03:12.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is full of language that equates\Nlove to mental illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.44,0:03:15.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are just a few examples.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.57,0:03:16.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,William Shakespeare:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.97,0:03:18.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Love is merely a madness,"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.38,0:03:19.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from "As You Like It."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.27,0:03:21.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Friedrich Nietsche,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.62,0:03:24.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"There is always some madness in love."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.75,0:03:27.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Got me looking, got me looking\Nso crazy in love -- "
Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.65,0:03:29.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.76,0:03:32.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,From the great philosopher,\NBeyoncé Knowles.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.34,0:03:33.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.16,0:03:38.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I fell in love for the first\Ntime when I was 20,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.21,0:03:40.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was a pretty turbulent\Nrelationship right from the start.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.36,0:03:44.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was long distance\Nfor the first couple of years,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.04,0:03:49.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so for me that meant very\Nhigh highs and very low lows.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.04,0:03:52.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can remember one moment in particular,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.82,0:03:55.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was sitting on a bed\Nin a hostel in South America
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.14,0:03:59.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was watching the person\NI love walk out the door.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.38,0:04:01.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was late,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.13,0:04:03.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was nearly midnight,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.67,0:04:05.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.43,0:04:06.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when we got back to our room,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.93,0:04:09.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he threw his things in his bags\Nand stormed out.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.31,0:04:14.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,While I can no longer remember\Nwhat that argument was about,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.73,0:04:18.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I very clearly remember how I felt\Nwatching him leave.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.12,0:04:20.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I was 22,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.95,0:04:23.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was my first time\Nin the developing world,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.83,0:04:25.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was totally alone.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.68,0:04:30.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had another week until my flight home,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.21,0:04:32.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I knew the name\Nof the town that I was in,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.58,0:04:36.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the name of the city \Nthat I needed to get to to fly out,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.62,0:04:40.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I had no idea how to get around,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.32,0:04:42.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no guidebook and very little money,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.02,0:04:44.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I spoke no Spanish.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.67,0:04:47.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So someone more adventurous than me
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.02,0:04:50.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,might have seen this as\Na moment of opportunity,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.47,0:04:52.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I just froze.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.68,0:04:54.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just sat there.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.10,0:04:56.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I burst into tears.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.56,0:04:59.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But despite my panic,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.11,0:05:02.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some small voice in my head thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.62,0:05:04.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Wow, that was dramatic.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.02,0:05:07.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I must really be doing\Nthis love thing right."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.14,0:05:09.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.59,0:05:14.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because some part of me\Nwanted to feel miserable in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.46,0:05:16.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it sounds so strange to me now,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:16.49,0:05:17.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but at 22,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.82,0:05:20.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I longed to have dramatic experiences,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.81,0:05:26.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in that moment I was irrational\Nand furious and devastated,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.38,0:05:27.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and weirdly enough,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.60,0:05:30.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought that this somehow\Nlegitimized the feelings I had
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.90,0:05:32.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the guy who had just left me.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.46,0:05:38.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think on some level I wanted\Nto feel a little bit crazy,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.92,0:05:42.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I thought that\Nthat was how loved worked.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.90,0:05:45.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This really should not be surpsising
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.36,0:05:47.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,considering that according to Wikipedia,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.86,0:05:49.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are eight films,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.78,0:05:51.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,14 songs,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.08,0:05:55.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,two albums and one novel\Nwith the title "Crazy Love."
Dialogue: 0,0:05:56.08,0:05:57.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,About half-an-hour later,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.75,0:05:59.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he came back to our room.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.32,0:06:00.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We made up,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.31,0:06:03.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we spent another mostly\Nhappy week travelling together,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.32,0:06:04.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then when I got home,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.72,0:06:10.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought, "That was so\Nterrible and so great,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.28,0:06:12.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this must be a real romance."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.30,0:06:15.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I expected my first love\Nto feel like madness,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:16.12,0:06:19.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and of course it met\Nthat expectation very well,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.25,0:06:21.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but loving someone like that --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.99,0:06:25.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if my entire well-being depended\Non him loving me back --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.10,0:06:28.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was not very good for me --
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.32,0:06:29.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or for him.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.10,0:06:33.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I suspect this experience of love\Nis not that unusual.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.20,0:06:38.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of us do feel a bit mad\Nin the early stages of romantic love.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.86,0:06:43.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact there is research to confirm\Nthat this is somewhat normal,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.52,0:06:45.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because neurochemically speaking,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.34,0:06:50.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,romantic love and mental illness\Nare not that easily distinguished.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.26,0:06:52.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is true.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.42,0:06:57.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So this study from 1999\Nused blood tests to confirm
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.57,0:06:59.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the serotonin levels\Nof the newly in love
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.11,0:07:02.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,very closely resemembeled\Nthe serotonin levels
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.76,0:07:06.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of people who had been diagnosed\Nwith obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.55,0:07:07.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laugther)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.42,0:07:08.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.44,0:07:10.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and low levels of serotonin
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.24,0:07:13.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are also associated\Nwith Seasonal Affective Disorder
Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.78,0:07:14.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and Depression.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.76,0:07:18.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So there is some evidence
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.31,0:07:22.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that love is associated with changes\Nto our moods and our behaviors,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.44,0:07:25.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there are other studies
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.49,0:07:30.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to confirm that most\Nrelationships begin this way.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.43,0:07:34.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Researchers believe \Nthat the low levels of serotonin
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.06,0:07:39.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is correlated with obsessive thinking\Nabout the object of love,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.32,0:07:43.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is like this feeling that someone\Nhas set up camp in your brain,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.21,0:07:45.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and most of us feel this way\Nwhen we first fall in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.19,0:07:49.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the good news is that it\Ndoesn't always last that long --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.48,0:07:52.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,usually from a few months\Nto a couple of years.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.43,0:07:56.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when I got back from\Nmy trip to South America,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.22,0:07:59.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spent a lot of time alone in my room,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.99,0:08:01.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,checking my email,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.32,0:08:03.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desperate to hear from the guy I loved.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.51,0:08:10.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I decided that if my friends could not\Nunderstand my grievous affliction,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:10.30,0:08:11.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I did not need their friendship.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.21,0:08:14.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I stopped hanging out\Nwith most of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.60,0:08:19.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was probably the most\Nunhappy year of my life,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.40,0:08:23.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think I felt like it was\Nmy job to be miserable,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.99,0:08:25.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because if I could be miserable,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.83,0:08:28.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I would prove how much I loved him,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.67,0:08:30.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if I could prove it,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.62,0:08:33.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we would have to\Nend up together eventually.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.26,0:08:36.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the real madness,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.59,0:08:38.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because there is not cosmic rule
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.84,0:08:42.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that says that great suffering\Nequals great reward,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.88,0:08:46.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we talk about love as if this is true.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.74,0:08:51.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our experiences of love are both\Nbiological and cultural.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.77,0:08:54.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our biology tells us that love is good
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.78,0:08:57.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by activating these reward\Ncircuits in our brain,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.72,0:09:02.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it tells us that love is painful\Nwhen after a fight or a breakup
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.33,0:09:04.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.42,0:09:06.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in fact --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.33,0:09:07.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and maybe you've heard this --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.98,0:09:09.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,neurochemically speaking,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.77,0:09:13.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,going through a breakup is a lot\Nlike going through cocaine withdrawl,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:14.02,0:09:15.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which I find reassuring --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.68,0:09:16.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.24,0:09:19.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then our culture uses language
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.09,0:09:22.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to shape and reinforce\Nthese ideas about love.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.02,0:09:23.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In this case,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.82,0:09:27.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're talking about metaphors\Nabout pain, addiction and madness.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.83,0:09:30.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.71,0:09:34.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love is powerful and at times painful,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.30,0:09:37.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we express this\Nin our words and stories,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.42,0:09:43.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but then our words and stories prime us\Nto expect love to be powerful and painful.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.20,0:09:45.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's interesting to me
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.68,0:09:50.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that all of this happens in a culture\Nthat values lifelong monogamy.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.81,0:09:52.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It seems like we want it both ways:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.11,0:09:55.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we want love to feel like madness,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.14,0:09:58.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we want it to last an entire lifetime.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.73,0:10:01.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That sounds terrible.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.54,0:10:03.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.39,0:10:05.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To reconcile this,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.81,0:10:10.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we need to either change our culture\Nor change our expectations.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.54,0:10:15.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So imagine if we were all\Nless passive in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.79,0:10:20.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We were more assertive, more\Nopen-mined, more generous,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.16,0:10:23.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and instead of falling in love,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:23.61,0:10:25.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we stepped into love.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.41,0:10:28.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that this is asking a lot,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.46,0:10:32.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm not actually the first\Nperson to suggest this.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.18,0:10:35.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In their book "Metaphors We Live By,"
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.88,0:10:40.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff\Nsuggest a really interesting solution
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.86,0:10:42.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to this dilemna,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.48,0:10:45.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is to change our metaphors.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.93,0:10:51.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They argue that metaphors really do\Nshape the way we experience the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.19,0:10:54.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that they can even act\Nas a guide for future actions,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.90,0:10:56.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like self-fulfilling prophecies.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.61,0:11:01.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Johnson and Lakoff suggest\Na new metaphor for love:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.67,0:11:04.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love is a collaborative work of art.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.00,0:11:08.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really like this way\Nof thinking about love.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.17,0:11:12.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Linguists talk about metaphors\Nas having entailments,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.88,0:11:16.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is essentially a way of considering\Nall the implications of,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.75,0:11:19.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or ideas contained\Nwithin a given metaphor,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.60,0:11:22.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and Johnson and Lakoff\Ntalk about everything
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.47,0:11:25.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that collaborating\Non a work of art entails:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.28,0:11:29.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,effort, compromise,\Npatience, shared goals.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.74,0:11:33.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And these ideas align nicely\Nwith our cultural investment
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.84,0:11:35.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in long-term romantic commitment,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.99,0:11:40.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they also work well\Nfor other kinds of relationships --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.29,0:11:45.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,short-term, casual, polyamorous,\Nnon-monogomous, asexual --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.84,0:11:49.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because this metaphor brings\Nmuch more complex ideas
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.82,0:11:51.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the experience of loving someone.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.67,0:11:57.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if love is a collaborative work of art,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:57.46,0:12:00.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then love is an aesthetic experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.68,0:12:04.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love is unpredictable,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.53,0:12:07.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love is creative,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:07.26,0:12:11.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love requires communication\Nand discipline,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.42,0:12:14.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is frustrating and\Nemotionally demanding,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:15.04,0:12:18.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and love involves both joy and pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.99,0:12:22.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ultimately, each experience\Nof love is different.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.85,0:12:25.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was younger,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.80,0:12:26.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it never occurred to me
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.14,0:12:30.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I was allowed to demand\Nmore from love,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.50,0:12:33.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I didn't have to just accept\Nwhatever love offered.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.100,0:12:38.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.46,0:12:42.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when 14-year-old Juliet\Ncannot be with Romeo,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.53,0:12:44.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whom she has met four days ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:45.09,0:12:48.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she does not feel\Ndisappointed or angsty --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.15,0:12:50.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where is she?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.69,0:12:52.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She wants to die.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:52.80,0:12:53.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.08,0:12:54.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And just as a refesher,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.06,0:12:55.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at this point in the play,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.10,0:12:57.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,act three of five,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.31,0:12:59.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Romeo is not dead.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.92,0:13:01.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's alive,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.22,0:13:02.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's healthy,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.78,0:13:05.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's just been banished from the city.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.61,0:13:11.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand that sixteenth-century Verona\Nis unlike contemporary North America,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:12.12,0:13:15.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet when I first read this play,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:15.18,0:13:17.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,also at age 14,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.69,0:13:20.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Juliet's suffering made sense to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.54,0:13:26.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Reframing love as something\NI get to create with someone I admire,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:27.06,0:13:31.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,rather than something that just happens\Nto me without my conrol or consent,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.96,0:13:33.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is empowering.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.99,0:13:35.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's still hard.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.80,0:13:40.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love still feels totally maddening\Nand crushing some days,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:41.25,0:13:43.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when I feel really frustrated,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.33,0:13:45.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to remind myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.26,0:13:48.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my job in this relationship\Nis to talk to my partner
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.67,0:13:50.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about what I want to make together.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.58,0:13:54.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This isn't easy either,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.10,0:13:58.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but its just so much better\Nthan the alternative,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.87,0:14:01.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is that thing\Nthat feels like madness.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.83,0:14:08.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love is not about winning\Nof losing someone's affection.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.99,0:14:12.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, it requires that you\Ntrust your partner,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.67,0:14:15.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and talk about things\Nwhen trusting feels difficult,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.86,0:14:18.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which sound so simple,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:18.40,0:14:22.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but is actually a kind\Nof revolutionary, radical act.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:23.25,0:14:27.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is because you get to stop\Nthinking about yourself,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.54,0:14:30.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what you're gaining\Nor losing in your relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:30.80,0:14:34.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you get to start thinking\Nabout what you have to offer.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:35.01,0:14:38.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love\Nallows us to say things like,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:38.59,0:14:41.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey, we're not very good collaborators,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:41.92,0:14:43.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe this isn't for us."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.100,0:14:47.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, "That relationship\Nwas shorter than I had planned,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.96,0:14:50.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it was still kind of beautiful."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:51.08,0:14:53.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The beautiful thing about\Nthe collaborative work of art
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.96,0:14:56.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that it will not paint\Nor draw or sculpt itself.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:57.27,0:15:00.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love allows us\Nto decide what it looks like.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:01.22,0:15:02.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:02.41,0:15:03.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)