0:00:00.553,0:00:04.894
OK, so today I want to talk about[br]how we talk about love.

0:00:05.302,0:00:06.411
And specifically,

0:00:06.411,0:00:09.846
I want to talk about what's wrong[br]with how we talk about love.

0:00:10.753,0:00:15.762
Most of us will probably fall in love[br]a few times over the course of our lives,

0:00:15.762,0:00:17.834
and in the English language,

0:00:17.834,0:00:18.970
this metaphor,

0:00:18.970,0:00:20.060
falling,

0:00:20.060,0:00:23.074
is really the main way that we[br]talk about that experience.

0:00:23.642,0:00:24.806
I don't know about you,

0:00:24.806,0:00:26.954
but when I conceptualize this metaphor,

0:00:26.954,0:00:29.832
what I picture is straight[br]out of a cartoon.

0:00:30.196,0:00:31.515
Like there's a man,

0:00:31.515,0:00:33.419
he's walking down the sidewalk,

0:00:33.419,0:00:36.554
without realizing it he crosses[br]over an open manhole,

0:00:36.554,0:00:39.946
and he just plummets[br]into the sewer below.

0:00:40.238,0:00:44.318
And I picture it this way because[br]falling is not jumping.

0:00:44.825,0:00:47.074
Falling is accidental,

0:00:47.074,0:00:48.805
it's uncontrollable.

0:00:48.805,0:00:52.077
It's something that happens to us[br]without our consent.

0:00:52.380,0:00:53.694
And this --

0:00:53.694,0:00:57.261
this is the main way we talk[br]about starting a new relationship.

0:00:58.337,0:01:02.225
I am a writer and I'm also[br]and English teacher,

0:01:02.225,0:01:04.533
which means I think about[br]words for a living.

0:01:04.533,0:01:08.706
You could say that I get paid[br]to argue that the language we use matters,

0:01:08.706,0:01:12.929
and I would like to argue that many[br]of the metaphors we use

0:01:12.929,0:01:14.519
to talk about love --

0:01:14.519,0:01:16.310
maybe even most of them --

0:01:16.310,0:01:17.879
are a problem.

0:01:18.717,0:01:21.350
So, in love we fall.

0:01:21.766,0:01:23.588
We're struck ...

0:01:23.588,0:01:25.641
we are crushed ...

0:01:25.641,0:01:27.353
we swoon ...

0:01:27.353,0:01:29.150
we burn with passion.

0:01:29.849,0:01:31.983
Love makes us crazy,

0:01:31.983,0:01:33.596
and it makes us sick.

0:01:33.868,0:01:35.429
Our hearts ache,

0:01:35.429,0:01:37.435
and then they break.

0:01:38.417,0:01:41.584
So our metaphors equate[br]the experience of loving someone

0:01:41.584,0:01:44.260
to extreme violence or illness.

0:01:44.260,0:01:45.760
(Laughter)

0:01:47.289,0:01:48.154
They do.

0:01:48.332,0:01:50.550
And they position us as the victims

0:01:50.698,0:01:53.563
of unforeseen and totally[br]unavoidable circumstances.

0:01:54.832,0:01:57.494
My favorite one of these is "smitten,"

0:01:57.653,0:02:00.135
which is the past participle[br]of the word smite.

0:02:00.496,0:02:03.508
And if you look this word up[br]in the dictionary --

0:02:03.715,0:02:04.495
(Laughter)

0:02:04.697,0:02:09.014
You will see that it can be defined[br]as both grievous affliction

0:02:09.168,0:02:11.649
and to be very much in love.

0:02:13.321,0:02:17.034
So I tend to associate the word smite[br]with a very particular context,

0:02:17.176,0:02:18.698
which is the Old Testament.

0:02:19.387,0:02:24.547
In the Book of Exodus alone[br]there are 16 references to smiting,

0:02:24.720,0:02:28.276
which is the word that the bible uses[br]for the vengeance of an angry God.

0:02:29.994,0:02:32.713
Here we are using the same[br]word to talk about love

0:02:32.879,0:02:35.145
that we use to explain[br]a plague of locusts.

0:02:36.082,0:02:36.853
(Laughter)

0:02:37.048,0:02:37.830
Right?

0:02:38.065,0:02:39.581
So how did this happen?

0:02:39.804,0:02:43.202
How have we come to associate love[br]with great pain and suffering?

0:02:43.721,0:02:47.664
And why do we talk about this[br]obsentibly good experience

0:02:47.854,0:02:49.748
as if we are victims?

0:02:50.556,0:02:52.271
These are difficult questions,

0:02:52.456,0:02:53.586
but I have some theories.

0:02:54.111,0:02:55.179
And to think this through,

0:02:55.351,0:02:57.935
I want to focus on one[br]metaphor in particular,

0:02:58.134,0:03:00.171
which is the idea of love is madness.

0:03:01.339,0:03:03.908
When I first started[br]researching romantic love,

0:03:04.086,0:03:06.815
I found these madness[br]metaphors everywhere.

0:03:07.003,0:03:08.647
The history of Western culture

0:03:08.840,0:03:12.851
is full of language that equates[br]love to mental illness.

0:03:13.440,0:03:15.261
These are just a few examples.

0:03:15.571,0:03:16.793
William Shakespeare:

0:03:16.968,0:03:18.184
"Love is merely a madness,"

0:03:18.385,0:03:19.502
from "As You Like It."

0:03:20.274,0:03:21.463
Friedrich Nietsche,

0:03:21.621,0:03:24.418
"There is always some madness in love."

0:03:24.750,0:03:27.449
"Got me looking, got me looking[br]so crazy in love -- "

0:03:27.654,0:03:29.042
(Laughter)

0:03:29.758,0:03:32.169
From the great philosopher,[br]Beyoncé Knowles.

0:03:32.336,0:03:33.599
(Laughter)

0:03:35.163,0:03:38.020
I fell in love for the first[br]time when I was 20,

0:03:38.206,0:03:40.962
and it was a pretty turbulent[br]relationship right from the start.

0:03:41.363,0:03:44.874
And it was long distance[br]for the first couple of years,

0:03:45.037,0:03:49.203
so for me that meant very[br]high highs and very low lows.

0:03:50.041,0:03:52.662
I can remember one moment in particular,

0:03:52.825,0:03:55.603
I was sitting on a bed[br]in a hostel in South America

0:03:56.136,0:03:59.592
and I was watching the person[br]I love walk out the door.

0:04:00.382,0:04:01.985
And it was late,

0:04:02.133,0:04:03.486
it was nearly midnight,

0:04:03.668,0:04:05.268
we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,

0:04:05.430,0:04:06.722
and when we got back to our room,

0:04:06.933,0:04:09.960
he threw his things in his bags[br]and stormed out.

0:04:11.308,0:04:14.573
While I can no longer remember[br]what that argument was about,

0:04:14.733,0:04:18.788
I very clearly remember how I felt[br]watching him leave.

0:04:19.122,0:04:20.768
So I was 22,

0:04:20.946,0:04:23.638
it was my first time[br]in the developing world,

0:04:23.833,0:04:25.724
and I was totally alone.

0:04:26.677,0:04:30.034
I had another week until my flight home,

0:04:30.214,0:04:32.395
and I knew the name[br]of the town that I was in,

0:04:32.583,0:04:36.299
and the name of the city [br]that I needed to get to to fly out,

0:04:36.615,0:04:40.161
but I had no idea how to get around,

0:04:40.319,0:04:42.809
I had no guidebook and very little money,

0:04:43.017,0:04:44.797
and I spoke no Spanish.

0:04:45.667,0:04:47.833
So someone more adventurous than me

0:04:48.015,0:04:50.291
might have seen this as[br]a moment of opportunity,

0:04:50.467,0:04:52.297
but I just froze.

0:04:52.681,0:04:54.888
I just sat there.

0:04:55.103,0:04:56.959
And then I burst into tears.

0:04:57.556,0:04:59.950
But despite my panic,

0:05:00.108,0:05:02.441
some small voice in my head thought,

0:05:02.622,0:05:04.845
"Wow, that was dramatic.

0:05:05.021,0:05:07.449
I must really be doing[br]this love thing right."

0:05:08.138,0:05:09.357
(Laughter)

0:05:09.587,0:05:14.254
Because some part of me[br]wanted to feel miserable in love,

0:05:14.457,0:05:16.313
and it sounds so strange to me now,

0:05:16.486,0:05:17.613
but at 22,

0:05:17.819,0:05:20.604
I longed to have dramatic experiences,

0:05:20.811,0:05:26.216
and in that moment I was irrational[br]and furious and devastated,

0:05:26.383,0:05:27.390
and weirdly enough,

0:05:27.600,0:05:30.769
I thought that this somehow[br]legitimized the feelings I had

0:05:30.902,0:05:32.767
for the guy who had just left me.

0:05:33.464,0:05:38.780
I think on some level I wanted[br]to feel a little bit crazy,

0:05:38.923,0:05:42.743
because I thought that[br]that was how loved worked.

0:05:42.903,0:05:45.176
This really should not be surpsising

0:05:45.355,0:05:47.697
considering that according to Wikipedia,

0:05:47.863,0:05:49.619
there are eight films,

0:05:49.785,0:05:51.903
14 songs,

0:05:52.076,0:05:55.062
two albums and one novel[br]with the title "Crazy Love."

0:05:56.080,0:05:57.546
About half-an-hour later,

0:05:57.749,0:05:59.082
he came back to our room.

0:05:59.316,0:06:00.112
We made up,

0:06:00.307,0:06:03.107
we spent another mostly[br]happy week travelling together,

0:06:03.319,0:06:04.544
and then when I got home,

0:06:04.717,0:06:10.100
I thought, "That was so[br]terrible and so great,

0:06:10.276,0:06:12.419
this must be a real romance."

0:06:13.301,0:06:15.904
I expected my first love[br]to feel like madness,

0:06:16.118,0:06:19.831
and of course it met[br]that expectation very well,

0:06:20.246,0:06:21.790
but loving someone like that --

0:06:21.988,0:06:25.926
as if my entire well-being depended[br]on him loving me back --

0:06:26.103,0:06:28.112
was not very good for me --

0:06:28.320,0:06:29.227
or for him.

0:06:30.095,0:06:33.546
But I suspect this experience of love[br]is not that unusual.

0:06:34.197,0:06:38.537
Most of us do feel a bit mad[br]in the early stages of romantic love.

0:06:38.863,0:06:43.367
In fact there is research to confirm[br]that this is somewhat normal,

0:06:43.525,0:06:45.134
because neurochemically speaking,

0:06:45.342,0:06:50.074
romantic love and mental illness[br]are not that easily distinguished.

0:06:51.262,0:06:52.232
This is true.

0:06:52.424,0:06:57.366
So this study from 1999[br]used blood tests to confirm

0:06:57.573,0:06:59.970
that the serotonin levels[br]of the newly in love

0:07:00.108,0:07:02.520
very closely resemembeled[br]the serotonin levels

0:07:02.762,0:07:06.325
of people who had been diagnosed[br]with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

0:07:06.550,0:07:07.251
(Laugther)

0:07:07.425,0:07:08.233
Yes,

0:07:08.444,0:07:10.075
and low levels of serotonin

0:07:10.242,0:07:13.606
are also associated[br]with Seasonal Affective Disorder

0:07:13.777,0:07:14.874
and Depression.

0:07:15.757,0:07:18.137
So there is some evidence

0:07:18.307,0:07:22.270
that love is associated with changes[br]to our moods and our behaviors,

0:07:22.444,0:07:25.322
and there are other studies

0:07:25.490,0:07:30.252
to confirm that most[br]relationships begin this way.

0:07:30.426,0:07:34.872
Researchers believe [br]that the low levels of serotonin

0:07:35.058,0:07:39.181
is correlated with obsessive thinking[br]about the object of love,

0:07:39.325,0:07:43.055
which is like this feeling that someone[br]has set up camp in your brain,

0:07:43.210,0:07:45.704
and most of us feel this way[br]when we first fall in love.

0:07:46.190,0:07:49.301
But the good news is that it[br]doesn't always last that long --

0:07:49.477,0:07:52.706
usually from a few months[br]to a couple of years.

0:07:53.430,0:07:56.032
So when I got back from[br]my trip to South America,

0:07:56.225,0:07:59.802
I spent a lot of time alone in my room,

0:07:59.992,0:08:01.128
checking my email,

0:08:01.324,0:08:03.805
desperate to hear from the guy I loved.

0:08:04.514,0:08:10.152
I decided that if my friends could not[br]understand my grievous affliction,

0:08:10.299,0:08:11.991
then I did not need their friendship.

0:08:12.213,0:08:14.138
So I stopped hanging out[br]with most of them.

0:08:14.598,0:08:19.240
And it was probably the most[br]unhappy year of my life,

0:08:19.399,0:08:23.683
but I think I felt like it was[br]my job to be miserable,

0:08:23.994,0:08:25.619
because if I could be miserable,

0:08:25.826,0:08:28.501
then I would prove how much I loved him,

0:08:28.673,0:08:30.441
and if I could prove it,

0:08:30.618,0:08:33.813
then we would have to[br]end up together eventually.

0:08:34.265,0:08:36.376
This is the real madness,

0:08:36.586,0:08:38.634
because there is not cosmic rule

0:08:38.845,0:08:42.721
that says that great suffering[br]equals great reward,

0:08:42.881,0:08:46.645
but we talk about love as if this is true.

0:08:47.742,0:08:51.251
Our experiences of love are both[br]biological and cultural.

0:08:51.774,0:08:54.597
Our biology tells us that love is good

0:08:54.779,0:08:57.546
by activating these reward[br]circuits in our brain,

0:08:57.719,0:09:02.152
and it tells us that love is painful[br]when after a fight or a breakup

0:09:02.332,0:09:04.821
that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.

0:09:05.422,0:09:06.159
And in fact --

0:09:06.329,0:09:07.798
and maybe you've heard this --

0:09:07.977,0:09:09.594
neurochemically speaking,

0:09:09.774,0:09:13.835
going through a breakup is a lot[br]like going through cocaine withdrawl,

0:09:14.023,0:09:15.372
which I find reassuring --

0:09:15.680,0:09:16.539
(Laughter)

0:09:17.241,0:09:19.896
And then our culture uses language

0:09:20.086,0:09:22.780
to shape and reinforce[br]these ideas about love.

0:09:23.017,0:09:23.622
In this case,

0:09:23.820,0:09:27.369
we're talking about metaphors[br]about pain, addiction and madness.

0:09:27.826,0:09:30.491
It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.

0:09:30.706,0:09:34.126
Love is powerful and at times painful,

0:09:34.305,0:09:37.229
and we express this[br]in our words and stories,

0:09:37.425,0:09:43.333
but then our words and stories prime us[br]to expect love to be powerful and painful.

0:09:44.205,0:09:45.487
What's interesting to me

0:09:45.684,0:09:50.052
is that all of this happens in a culture[br]that values lifelong monogamy.

0:09:50.810,0:09:52.943
It seems like we want it both ways:

0:09:53.113,0:09:55.938
we want love to feel like madness,

0:09:56.140,0:09:58.986
and we want it to last an entire lifetime.

0:09:59.727,0:10:01.289
That sounds terrible.

0:10:01.538,0:10:03.067
(Laughter)

0:10:03.386,0:10:05.625
To reconcile this,

0:10:05.810,0:10:10.695
we need to either change our culture[br]or change our expectations.

0:10:11.543,0:10:15.438
So imagine if we were all[br]less passive in love.

0:10:15.786,0:10:20.015
We were more assertive, more[br]open-mined, more generous,

0:10:20.157,0:10:23.424
and instead of falling in love,

0:10:23.609,0:10:25.500
we stepped into love.

0:10:26.406,0:10:28.293
I know that this is asking a lot,

0:10:28.458,0:10:32.013
but I'm not actually the first[br]person to suggest this.

0:10:33.179,0:10:35.694
In their book "Metaphors We Live By,"

0:10:35.880,0:10:40.689
linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff[br]suggest a really interesting solution

0:10:40.862,0:10:42.266
to this dilemna,

0:10:42.477,0:10:45.174
which is to change our metaphors.

0:10:45.930,0:10:51.058
They argue that metaphors really do[br]shape the way we experience the world,

0:10:51.194,0:10:54.745
and that they can even act[br]as a guide for future actions,

0:10:54.896,0:10:56.734
like self-fulfilling prophecies.

0:10:57.609,0:11:01.473
Johnson and Lakoff suggest[br]a new metaphor for love:

0:11:01.671,0:11:04.443
love is a collaborative work of art.

0:11:05.000,0:11:08.050
I really like this way[br]of thinking about love.

0:11:09.171,0:11:12.667
Linguists talk about metaphors[br]as having entailments,

0:11:12.875,0:11:16.604
which is essentially a way of considering[br]all the implications of,

0:11:16.747,0:11:19.427
or ideas contained[br]within a given metaphor,

0:11:19.597,0:11:22.308
and Johnson and Lakoff[br]talk about everything

0:11:22.467,0:11:25.008
that collaborating[br]on a work of art entails:

0:11:25.275,0:11:29.430
effort, compromise,[br]patience, shared goals.

0:11:29.735,0:11:33.698
And these ideas align nicely[br]with our cultural investment

0:11:33.842,0:11:35.800
in long-term romantic commitment,

0:11:35.991,0:11:40.126
but they also work well[br]for other kinds of relationships --

0:11:40.288,0:11:45.711
short-term, casual, polyamorous,[br]non-monogomous, asexual --

0:11:45.841,0:11:49.691
because this metaphor brings[br]much more complex ideas

0:11:49.818,0:11:51.759
to the experience of loving someone.

0:11:52.670,0:11:57.295
So if love is a collaborative work of art,

0:11:57.455,0:12:00.952
then love is an aesthetic experience.

0:12:01.676,0:12:04.324
Love is unpredictable,

0:12:04.528,0:12:07.033
love is creative,

0:12:07.256,0:12:11.242
love requires communication[br]and discipline,

0:12:11.424,0:12:14.858
it is frustrating and[br]emotionally demanding,

0:12:15.036,0:12:18.475
and love involves both joy and pain.

0:12:18.988,0:12:22.823
Ultimately, each experience[br]of love is different.

0:12:23.854,0:12:25.635
When I was younger,

0:12:25.801,0:12:26.963
it never occurred to me

0:12:27.144,0:12:30.322
that I was allowed to demand[br]more from love,

0:12:30.496,0:12:33.929
that I didn't have to just accept[br]whatever love offered.

0:12:34.998,0:12:38.295
When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --

0:12:38.464,0:12:42.354
when 14-year-old Juliet[br]cannot be with Romeo,

0:12:42.527,0:12:44.841
whom she has met four days ago,

0:12:45.090,0:12:48.789
she does not feel[br]disappointed or angsty --

0:12:49.154,0:12:50.343
where is she?

0:12:50.690,0:12:52.387
She wants to die.

0:12:52.798,0:12:53.907
Right?

0:12:54.085,0:12:54.890
And just as a refesher,

0:12:55.058,0:12:55.894
at this point in the play,

0:12:56.098,0:12:57.101
act three of five,

0:12:57.310,0:12:59.745
Romeo is not dead.

0:12:59.925,0:13:01.054
He's alive,

0:13:01.224,0:13:02.593
he's healthy,

0:13:02.778,0:13:05.378
he's just been banished from the city.

0:13:05.611,0:13:11.958
I understand that sixteenth-century Verona[br]is unlike contemporary North America,

0:13:12.115,0:13:15.010
and yet when I first read this play,

0:13:15.181,0:13:17.485
also at age 14,

0:13:17.691,0:13:20.627
Juliet's suffering made sense to me.

0:13:21.542,0:13:26.927
Reframing love as something[br]I get to create with someone I admire,

0:13:27.065,0:13:31.774
rather than something that just happens[br]to me without my conrol or consent,

0:13:31.955,0:13:33.560
is empowering.

0:13:33.986,0:13:35.627
It's still hard.

0:13:35.795,0:13:40.961
Love still feels totally maddening[br]and crushing some days,

0:13:41.246,0:13:43.134
and when I feel really frustrated,

0:13:43.329,0:13:45.044
I have to remind myself,

0:13:45.261,0:13:48.478
my job in this relationship[br]is to talk to my partner

0:13:48.670,0:13:50.561
about what I want to make together.

0:13:51.575,0:13:54.961
This isn't easy either,

0:13:55.098,0:13:58.218
but its just so much better[br]than the alternative,

0:13:58.866,0:14:01.651
which is that thing[br]that feels like madness.

0:14:02.828,0:14:08.185
This version of love is not about winning[br]of losing someone's affection.

0:14:08.992,0:14:12.513
Instead, it requires that you[br]trust your partner,

0:14:12.673,0:14:15.686
and talk about things[br]when trusting feels difficult,

0:14:15.857,0:14:18.236
which sound so simple,

0:14:18.405,0:14:22.901
but is actually a kind[br]of revolutionary, radical act.

0:14:23.253,0:14:27.397
This is because you get to stop[br]thinking about yourself,

0:14:27.543,0:14:30.622
and what you're gaining[br]or losing in your relationship,

0:14:30.799,0:14:34.490
and you get to start thinking[br]about what you have to offer.

0:14:35.010,0:14:38.438
This version of love[br]allows us to say things like,

0:14:38.591,0:14:41.761
"Hey, we're not very good collaborators,

0:14:41.925,0:14:43.609
maybe this isn't for us."

0:14:43.999,0:14:47.823
Or, "That relationship[br]was shorter than I had planned,

0:14:47.962,0:14:50.178
but it was still kind of beautiful."

0:14:51.075,0:14:53.738
The beautiful thing about[br]the collaborative work of art

0:14:53.962,0:14:56.755
is that it will not paint[br]or draw or sculpt itself.

0:14:57.274,0:15:00.813
This version of love allows us[br]to decide what it looks like.

0:15:01.215,0:15:02.091
Thank you.

0:15:02.410,0:15:03.388
(Applause)