[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, so today I want to talk about\Nhow we talk about love.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And specifically,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to talk about what's wrong\Nwith how we talk about love.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of us will probably fall in love\Na few times over the course of our lives,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in the English language,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this metaphor,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Falling,"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is really the main way that we\Ntalk about that experience.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't know about you,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but when I conceptualize this metaphor,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what I picture is straight\Nout of a cartoon.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like there's a man,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's walking down the sidewalk,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without realizing it he cross over\Nand open manhole,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he just plummets\Ninto the sewer below.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I picture it this way because\Nfalling is not jumping.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Falling is accidental,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's uncontrolable.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's something that happens to us\Nwithout our consent.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is the main way we talk\Nabout starting a new relationship.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I am a writer and I'm also\Nand English teacher,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which means I think about\Nwords for a living.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you could say that I get paid\Nto argue that the language we use matters,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would like to argue that many\Nof the metaphors we use
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to talk about love --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe even most of them --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are a problem.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, in love we fall.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're struck,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are crushed,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we swoon,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we burn with passion.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love makes us crazy,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it makes us sick.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our hearts ache,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then they break.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So our metaphors equate\Nthe experience of loving someone
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to extreme violence or illness.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They do.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they position us as the victims
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of unforeseen and totally\Nunavoidable circumstances.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My favorite one of these is "smitten,"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the past participle\Nof the word smite.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you look this word up\Nin the dictionary --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You will see that it can be defined\Nas both grievous affliction
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to be very much in love.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I tend to associate the word smite\Nwith a very particular context,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the Old Testament.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the Book of Exodus alone\Nthere are 16 references to smiting,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the word that the bible uses\Nfor the vengeance of an angry God.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here we are using the same\Nword to talk about love
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we use to explain\Na plague of locusts.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So how did this happen?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How have we come to associate love\Nwith great pain and suffering?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why do we talk about this\Nobsentibly good experience
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if we are victims?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are difficult questions,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I have some theories.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And to think this through,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to focus on one\Nmetaphor in particular,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the idea of love is madness.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I first started\Nresearching romantic love,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I found these madness\Nmetaphors everywhere.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The history of Western culture
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is full of language that equates\Nlove to mental illness.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are just a few examples.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,William Shakespeare:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Love is merely a madness,"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from "As You Like It."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Friedrich Nietsche,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"There is always some madness in love."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Got me looking, got me looking\Nso crazy in love -- "
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,From the great philosopher,\NBeyoncé Knowles.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I fell in love for the first\Ntime when I was 20,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was a pretty turbulent\Nrelationship right from the start.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was long distance\Nfor the first couple of years,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so for me that meant very\Nhigh highs and very low lows.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can remember one moment in particular,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was sitting on a bed\Nin a hospital in South America
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was watching the person\NI love walk out the door.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was late,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was nearly midnight,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when we got back to our room,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he threw his things in his bags\Nand stormed out.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,While I can no longer remember\Nwhat that argument was about,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I very clearly remember how I felt\Nwatching him leave.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I was 22,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was my first time\Nin the developing world,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was totally alone.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had another week until my flight home,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I knew the name\Nof the town that I was in,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the name of the city \Nhat I needed to get to to fly out,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I had no idea how to get around,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no guidebook and very little money,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I spoke no Spanish.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So someone more adventurous than me
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,might have seen this as\Na moment of opportunity,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I just froze.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just sat there.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I burst into tears.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But despite my panic,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some small voice in my head thought,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Wow, that was dramatic.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I must really be doing\Nthis love thing right."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because some part of me\Nwanted to feel miserable in love,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it sounds so strange to me now,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but at 22,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I longed to have dramatic experiences,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in that moment I was rational\Nand furious and devastated,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and weirdly enough,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought that this somehow\Nlegitimized the feelings I had
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the guy who had just left me.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think on some level I wanted\Nto feel a little bit crazy,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I thought that\Nthat was how loved worked.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This really should not be surpsising
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,considering that according to Wikipedia,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are eight films,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,14 songs,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,two albums and one novel\Nwith the title "Crazy Love."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,About half-an-hour later,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he came back to our room.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We made up,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we spent another mostly\Nhappy week travelling together,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then when I got home,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought, "That was so\Nterrible and so great,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this must be a real romance."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I expected my first love\Nto feel like madness,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and of course it met\Nthat expectation very well,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but loving someone like that --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if my entire well-being depended\Non him loving me back --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was not very good for me --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or for him.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I suspect this experience of love\Nis not that unusual.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of us do feel a bit mad\Nin the early stages of romantic love.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact there is research to confirm\Nthat this is somewhat normal,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because neurochemically speaking,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,romantic love and mental illness\Nare not that easily distinguished.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is true.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So this study from 1999\Nused blood tests to confirm
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the serotonin levels\Nof the newly in love
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,very closely resemembeled\Nthe serotonin levels
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of people who had been diagnosed\Nwith obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laugther)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and low levels of serotonin
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are also associated\Nwith Seasonal Affective Disorder
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and Depression.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So there is some evidence
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that love is associated with changes\Nto our moods and our behaviors,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and there are other studies
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to confirm that most\Nrelationships begin this way.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Researchers believe \Nthat the low levels of serotonin
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is correlated with obsessive thinking\Nabout the object of love,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is like this feeling that someone\Nhas set up camp in your brain,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and most of us feel this way\Nwhen we first fall in love.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the good news is that it\Ndoesn't always last that long --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,usually from a few months\Nto a couple of years.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when I got back from\Nmy trip to South America,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spent a lot of time alone in my room,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,checking my email,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desperate to hear from the guy I loved.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I decided that if my friends could not\Nunderstand my grievous affliction,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I did not need their friendship.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I stopped hanging out\Nwith most of them.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was probably the most\Nunhappy year of my life,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think I felt like it was\Nmy job to be miserable,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because if I could be miserable,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I would prove how much I loved him,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if I could prove it,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we would have to\Nend up together eventually.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the real madness,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because there is not cosmic rule
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that says that great suffering\Nequals great reward,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we talk about love as if this is true.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our experiences of love are both\Nbiological and cultural.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our biology tells us that love is good
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by activating these reward\Ncircuits in our brain,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it tells us that love is painful\Nwhen after a fight or a breakup
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if fact --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and maybe you've heard this --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,neurochemically speaking,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,going through a breakup is a lot\Nlike going through cocaine withdrawl,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which I find reassuring --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then our culture uses language
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to shape and reinforce\Nthese ideas about love.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In this case,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we're talking about metaphors\Nabout pain, addiction and madness.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love is powerful and at times painful,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we express this\Nin our words and stories,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but then our words and stories prime us\Nto expect love to be powerful and painful.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's interesting to me
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that all of this happens in a culture\Nthat values lifelong monogamy.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It seems like we want it both ways:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we want love to feel like madness,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we want it to last an entire lifetime.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That sounds terrible.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To reconcile this,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we need to either change our culture\Nor change our expectations.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So imagine if we were all\Nless passive in love.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We were more assertive, more\Nopen-mined, more generous,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and instead of falling in love,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we stepped into love.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that this is asking a lot,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm not actually the first\Nperson to suggest this.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In their book "Metaphors We Live By,"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff\Nsuggest a really interesting solution
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to this dilemna,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is to change our metaphors.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They argue that metaphors really do\Nshape the way we experience the world,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that they can even act\Nas a guide for future actions,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like self-fulfilling prophecies.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Johnson and Lakoff suggest\Na new metaphor for love:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love is a collaborative work of art.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really like this way\Nof thinking about love.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Linguists talk about metaphors\Nas having entailments,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is essentially a way of considering\Nall the implications of,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or ideas contained\Nwithin a given metaphor,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and Johnson and Lakoff\Ntalk about everything
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that that collaborating\Non a work of art entails:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,effort, compromise,\Npatience, shared goals.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And these ideas align nicely\Nwith our cultural investment
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in long-term romantic commitment,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they also work well\Nfor other kinds of relationships --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,short-term, casual, polyamorous,\Nnon-monogomous, asexual --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because this metaphor brings\Nmuch more complex ideas
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the experience of loving someone.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if love is a collaborative work of art,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then love is an aesthetic experience.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love is unpredictable,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love is creative,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love requires communication\Nand discipline,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is frustrating and\Nemotionally demanding,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and love involves both joy and pain.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ultimately, each experience\Nof love is different.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was younger,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it never occurred to me
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I was allowed to demand\Nmore from love,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I didn't have to just accept\Nwhatever love offered.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when 14-year-old Juliet\Ncannot be with Romeo,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whom she has met four days ago,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she does not feel\Ndisappointed or angsty --
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where is she?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She wants to die.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And just as a refesher,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at this point in the play,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,act three of five,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Romeo is not dead.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's alive,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's healthy,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's just been banished from the city.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand that sixteenth-century Verona\Nis unlike contemporary North America,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet when I first read this play,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,also at age 14,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Juliet's suffering made sense to me.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Reframing love as something\NI get to create with someone I admire,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,rather than something that just happens\Nto me without my conrol or consent,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is empowering.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's still hard.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love still feels totally maddening\Nand crushing some days,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when I feel really frustrated,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to remind myself,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my job in this relationship\Nis to talk to my partner
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about what I want to make together.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This isn't easy either,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but its just so much better\Nthat the alternative,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is that thing\Nthat feels like madness.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love is not about winning\Nof losing someone's affection.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, it requires that you\Ntrust your partner,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and talk about things\Nwhen trusting feels difficult,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which sound so simple,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but is actually a kind\Nof revolutionary, radical act.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is because you get to stop\Nthinking about yourself,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what you're gaining\Nor losing in your relationship,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you get to start thinking\Nabout what you have to offer.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love\Nallows us to say things like,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey, we're not very good collaborators,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe this isn't for us."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, "That relationship\Nwas shorter than I had planned,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it was still kind of beautiful."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The beautiful thing about\Nthe collaborative work of art
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that it will not paint\Nor draw or sculpt itself.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version allows us\Nto decide what it looks like.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)