9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
OK, so today I want to talk about[br]how we talk about love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And specifically,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I want to talk about what's wrong[br]with how we talk about love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Most of us will probably fall in love[br]a few times over the course of our lives,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and in the English language,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
this metaphor,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Falling,"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is really the main way that we[br]talk about that experience.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And I don't know about you,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but when I conceptualize this metaphor,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
what I picture is straight[br]out of a cartoon.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Like there's a man,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
he's walking down the sidewalk,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
without realizing it he cross over[br]and open manhole,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and he just plummets[br]into the sewer below.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And I picture it this way because[br]falling is not jumping.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Falling is accidental,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it's uncontrolable.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's something that happens to us[br]without our consent.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And this --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
this is the main way we talk[br]about starting a new relationship.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So I am a writer and I'm also[br]and English teacher,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which means I think about[br]words for a living.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And you could say that I get paid[br]to argue that the language we use matters,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I would like to argue that many[br]of the metaphors we use

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to talk about love --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
maybe even most of them --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
are a problem.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So, in love we fall.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We're struck,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we are crushed,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we swoon,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we burn with passion.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Love makes us crazy,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and it makes us sick.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Our hearts ache,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and then they break.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So our metaphors equate[br]the experience of loving someone

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to extreme violence or illness.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They do.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And they position us as the victims

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
of unforeseen and totally[br]unavoidable circumstances.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
My favorite one of these is "smitten,"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is the past participle[br]of the word smite.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And if you look this word up[br]in the dictionary --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
You will see that it can be defined[br]as both grievous affliction

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and to be very much in love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So I tend to associate the word smite[br]with a very particular context,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is the Old Testament.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In the Book of Exodus alone[br]there are 16 references to smiting,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is the word that the bible uses[br]for the vengeance of an angry God.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Here we are using the same[br]word to talk about love

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that we use to explain[br]a plague of locusts.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So how did this happen?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
How have we come to associate love[br]with great pain and suffering?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And why do we talk about this[br]obsentibly good experience

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
as if we are victims?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
These are difficult questions,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but I have some theories.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And to think this through,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I want to focus on one[br]metaphor in particular,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is the idea of love is madness.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When I first started[br]researching romantic love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I found these madness[br]metaphors everywhere.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The history of Western culture

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is full of language that equates[br]love to mental illness.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
These are just a few examples.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
William Shakespeare:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Love is merely a madness,"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
from "As You Like It."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Friedrich Nietsche,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"There is always some madness in love."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Got me looking, got me looking[br]so crazy in love -- "

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
From the great philosopher,[br]Beyoncé Knowles.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I fell in love for the first[br]time when I was 20,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and it was a pretty turbulent[br]relationship right from the start.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And it was long distance[br]for the first couple of years,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
so for me that meant very[br]high highs and very low lows.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I can remember one moment in particular,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I was sitting on a bed[br]in a hospital in South America

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I was watching the person[br]I love walk out the door.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And it was late,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it was nearly midnight,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and when we got back to our room,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
he threw his things in his bags[br]and stormed out.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
While I can no longer remember[br]what that argument was about,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I very clearly remember how I felt[br]watching him leave.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So I was 22,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it was my first time[br]in the developing world,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I was totally alone.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I had another week until my flight home,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I knew the name[br]of the town that I was in,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and the name of the city [br]hat I needed to get to to fly out,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but I had no idea how to get around,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I had no guidebook and very little money,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I spoke no Spanish.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So someone more adventurous than me

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
might have seen this as[br]a moment of opportunity,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but I just froze.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I just sat there.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And then I burst into tears.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But despite my panic,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
some small voice in my head thought,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Wow, that was dramatic.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I must really be doing[br]this love thing right."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Because some part of me[br]wanted to feel miserable in love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and it sounds so strange to me now,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but at 22,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I longed to have dramatic experiences,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and in that moment I was rational[br]and furious and devastated,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and weirdly enough,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I thought that this somehow[br]legitimized the feelings I had

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
for the guy who had just left me.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I think on some level I wanted[br]to feel a little bit crazy,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because I thought that[br]that was how loved worked.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This really should not be surpsising

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
considering that according to Wikipedia,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
there are eight films,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
14 songs,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
two albums and one novel[br]with the title "Crazy Love."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
About half-an-hour later,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
he came back to our room.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We made up,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we spent another mostly[br]happy week travelling together,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and then when I got home,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I thought, "That was so[br]terrible and so great,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
this must be a real romance."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I expected my first love[br]to feel like madness,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and of course it met[br]that expectation very well,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but loving someone like that --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
as if my entire well-being depended[br]on him loving me back --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
was not very good for me --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or for him.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But I suspect this experience of love[br]is not that unusual.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Most of us do feel a bit mad[br]in the early stages of romantic love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In fact there is research to confirm[br]that this is somewhat normal,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because neurochemically speaking,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
romantic love and mental illness[br]are not that easily distinguished.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is true.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So this study from 1999[br]used blood tests to confirm

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that the serotonin levels[br]of the newly in love

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
very closely resemembeled[br]the serotonin levels

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
of people who had been diagnosed[br]with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laugther)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Yes,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and low levels of serotonin

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
are also associated[br]with Seasonal Affective Disorder

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and Depression.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So there is some evidence

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that love is associated with changes[br]to our moods and our behaviors,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and there are other studies

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to confirm that most[br]relationships begin this way.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Researchers believe [br]that the low levels of serotonin

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is correlated with obsessive thinking[br]about the object of love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is like this feeling that someone[br]has set up camp in your brain,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and most of us feel this way[br]when we first fall in love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
But the good news is that it[br]doesn't always last that long --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
usually from a few months[br]to a couple of years.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So when I got back from[br]my trip to South America,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I spent a lot of time alone in my room,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
checking my email,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
desperate to hear from the guy I loved.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I decided that if my friends could not[br]understand my grievous affliction,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
then I did not need their friendship.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So I stopped hanging out[br]with most of them.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And it was probably the most[br]unhappy year of my life,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but I think I felt like it was[br]my job to be miserable,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because if I could be miserable,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
then I would prove how much I loved him,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and if I could prove it,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
then we would have to[br]end up together eventually.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is the real madness,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because there is not cosmic rule

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that says that great suffering[br]equals great reward,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but we talk about love as if this is true.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Our experiences of love are both[br]biological and cultural.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Our biology tells us that love is good

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
by activating these reward[br]circuits in our brain,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and it tells us that love is painful[br]when after a fight or a breakup

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And if fact --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and maybe you've heard this --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
neurochemically speaking,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
going through a breakup is a lot[br]like going through cocaine withdrawl,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which I find reassuring --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And then our culture uses language

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to shape and reinforce[br]these ideas about love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In this case,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we're talking about metaphors[br]about pain, addiction and madness.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Love is powerful and at times painful,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and we express this[br]in our words and stories,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but then our words and stories prime us[br]to expect love to be powerful and painful.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
What's interesting to me

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is that all of this happens in a culture[br]that values lifelong monogamy.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It seems like we want it both ways:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we want love to feel like madness,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and we want it to last an entire lifetime.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
That sounds terrible.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
To reconcile this,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we need to either change our culture[br]or change our expectations.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So imagine if we were all[br]less passive in love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We were more assertive, more[br]open-mined, more generous,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and instead of falling in love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we stepped into love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I know that this is asking a lot,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but I'm not actually the first[br]person to suggest this.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In their book "Metaphors We Live By,"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff[br]suggest a really interesting solution

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to this dilemna,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is to change our metaphors.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
They argue that metaphors really do[br]shape the way we experience the world,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and that they can even act[br]as a guide for future actions,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
like self-fulfilling prophecies.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Johnson and Lakoff suggest[br]a new metaphor for love:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
love is a collaborative work of art.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I really like this way[br]of thinking about love.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Linguists talk about metaphors[br]as having entailments,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is essentially a way of considering[br]all the implications of,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or ideas contained[br]within a given metaphor,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and Johnson and Lakoff[br]talk about everything

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that that collaborating[br]on a work of art entails:

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
effort, compromise,[br]patience, shared goals.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And these ideas align nicely[br]with our cultural investment

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
in long-term romantic commitment,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but they also work well[br]for other kinds of relationships --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
short-term, casual, polyamorous,[br]non-monogomous, asexual --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because this metaphor brings[br]much more complex ideas

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to the experience of loving someone.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So if love is a collaborative work of art,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
then love is an aesthetic experience.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Love is unpredictable,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
love is creative,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
love requires communication[br]and discipline,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it is frustrating and[br]emotionally demanding,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and love involves both joy and pain.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Ultimately, each experience[br]of love is different.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When I was younger,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
it never occurred to me

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that I was allowed to demand[br]more from love,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
that I didn't have to just accept[br]whatever love offered.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
when 14-year-old Juliet[br]cannot be with Romeo,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
whom she has met four days ago,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
she does not feel[br]disappointed or angsty --

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
where is she?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
She wants to die.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
And just as a refesher,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
at this point in the play,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
act three of five,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Romeo is not dead.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
He's alive,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
he's healthy,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
he's just been banished from the city.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I understand that sixteenth-century Verona[br]is unlike contemporary North America,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and yet when I first read this play,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
also at age 14,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Juliet's suffering made sense to me.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Reframing love as something[br]I get to create with someone I admire,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
rather than something that just happens[br]to me without my conrol or consent,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is empowering.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
It's still hard.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Love still feels totally maddening[br]and crushing some days,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and when I feel really frustrated,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I have to remind myself,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
my job in this relationship[br]is to talk to my partner

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
about what I want to make together.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This isn't easy either,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but its just so much better[br]that the alternative,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is that thing[br]that feels like madness.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This version of love is not about winning[br]of losing someone's affection.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Instead, it requires that you[br]trust your partner,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and talk about things[br]when trusting feels difficult,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which sound so simple,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but is actually a kind[br]of revolutionary, radical act.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is because you get to stop[br]thinking about yourself,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and what you're gaining[br]or losing in your relationship,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and you get to start thinking[br]about what you have to offer.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This version of love[br]allows us to say things like,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Hey, we're not very good collaborators,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
maybe this isn't for us."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Or, "That relationship[br]was shorter than I had planned,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but it was still kind of beautiful."

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
The beautiful thing about[br]the collaborative work of art

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is that it will not paint[br]or draw or sculpt itself.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This version allows us[br]to decide what it looks like.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Thank you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Applause)