1 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 OK, so today I want to talk about how we talk about love. 2 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And specifically, 3 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I want to talk about what's wrong with how we talk about love. 4 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Most of us will probably fall in love a few times over the course of our lives, 5 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and in the English language, 6 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 this metaphor, 7 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Falling," 8 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 is really the main way that we talk about that experience. 9 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And I don't know about you, 10 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but when I conceptualize this metaphor, 11 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 what I picture is straight out of a cartoon. 12 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Like there's a man, 13 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 he's walking down the sidewalk, 14 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 without realizing it he cross over and open manhole, 15 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and he just plummets into the sewer below. 16 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And I picture it this way because falling is not jumping. 17 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Falling is accidental, 18 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 it's uncontrolable. 19 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It's something that happens to us without our consent. 20 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And this -- 21 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 this is the main way we talk about starting a new relationship. 22 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So I am a writer and I'm also and English teacher, 23 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 which means I think about words for a living. 24 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And you could say that I get paid to argue that the language we use matters, 25 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and I would like to argue that many of the metaphors we use 26 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 to talk about love -- 27 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 maybe even most of them -- 28 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 are a problem. 29 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So, in love we fall. 30 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 We're struck, 31 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we are crushed, 32 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we swoon, 33 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we burn with passion. 34 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Love makes us crazy, 35 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and it makes us sick. 36 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Our hearts ache, 37 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and then they break. 38 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Laughter) 39 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So our metaphors equate the experience of loving someone 40 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 to extreme violence or illness. 41 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Laughter) 42 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 They do. 43 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And they position us as the victims 44 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 of unforeseen and totally unavoidable circumstances. 45 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 My favorite one of these is "smitten," 46 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 which is the past participle of the word smite. 47 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And if you look this word up in the dictionary -- 48 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Laughter) 49 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You will see that it can be defined as both grievous affliction 50 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and to be very much in love. 51 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So I tend to associate the word smite with a very particular context, 52 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 which is the Old Testament. 53 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 In the Book of Exodus alone there are 16 references to smiting, 54 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 which is the word that the bible uses for the vengeance of an angry God. 55 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Here we are using the same word to talk about love 56 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that we use to explain a plague of locusts. 57 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Laughter) 58 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Right? 59 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So how did this happen? 60 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 How have we come to associate love with great pain and suffering? 61 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And why do we talk about this obsentibly good experience 62 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 as if we are victims? 63 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 These are difficult questions, 64 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but I have some theories. 65 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And to think this through, 66 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I want to focus on one metaphor in particular, 67 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 which is the idea of love is madness. 68 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 When I first started researching romantic love, 69 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I found these madness metaphors everywhere. 70 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 The history of Western culture 71 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 is full of language that equates love to mental illness. 72 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 These are just a few examples. 73 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 William Shakespeare: 74 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Love is merely a madness," 75 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 from "As You Like It." 76 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Friedrich Nietsche, 77 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "There is always some madness in love." 78 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love -- " 79 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Laughter) 80 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 From the great philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles. 81 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Laughter) 82 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I fell in love for the first time when I was 20, 83 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and it was a pretty turbulent relationship right from the start. 84 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And it was long distance for the first couple of years, 85 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 so for me that meant very high highs and very low lows. 86 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I can remember one moment in particular, 87 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I was sitting on a bed in a hospital in South America 88 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and I was watching the person I love walk out the door. 89 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And it was late, 90 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 it was nearly midnight, 91 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we'd gotten into an argument over dinner, 92 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and when we got back to our room, 93 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 he threw his things in his bags and stormed out. 94 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 While I can no longer remember what that argument was about, 95 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I very clearly remember how I felt watching him leave. 96 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So I was 22, 97 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 it was my first time in the developing world, 98 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and I was totally alone. 99 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I had another week until my flight home, 100 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and I knew the name of the town that I was in, 101 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and the name of the city hat I needed to get to to fly out, 102 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but I had no idea how to get around, 103 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I had no guidebook and very little money, 104 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and I spoke no Spanish. 105 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So someone more adventurous than me 106 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 might have seen this as a moment of opportunity, 107 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but I just froze. 108 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I just sat there. 109 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And then I burst into tears. 110 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But despite my panic, 111 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 some small voice in my head thought, 112 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Wow, that was dramatic. 113 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I must really be doing this love thing right." 114 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Laughter) 115 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Because some part of me wanted to feel miserable in love, 116 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and it sounds so strange to me now, 117 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but at 22, 118 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I longed to have dramatic experiences, 119 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and in that moment I was rational and furious and devastated, 120 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and weirdly enough, 121 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I thought that this somehow legitimized the feelings I had 122 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 for the guy who had just left me. 123 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I think on some level I wanted to feel a little bit crazy, 124 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 because I thought that that was how loved worked. 125 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 This really should not be surpsising 126 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 considering that according to Wikipedia, 127 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 there are eight films, 128 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 14 songs, 129 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 two albums and one novel with the title "Crazy Love." 130 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 About half-an-hour later, 131 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 he came back to our room. 132 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 We made up, 133 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we spent another mostly happy week travelling together, 134 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and then when I got home, 135 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I thought, "That was so terrible and so great, 136 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 this must be a real romance." 137 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I expected my first love to feel like madness, 138 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and of course it met that expectation very well, 139 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but loving someone like that -- 140 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 as if my entire well-being depended on him loving me back -- 141 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 was not very good for me -- 142 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 or for him. 143 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But I suspect this experience of love is not that unusual. 144 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Most of us do feel a bit mad in the early stages of romantic love. 145 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 In fact there is research to confirm that this is somewhat normal, 146 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 because neurochemically speaking, 147 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 romantic love and mental illness are not that easily distinguished. 148 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 This is true. 149 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So this study from 1999 used blood tests to confirm 150 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that the serotonin levels of the newly in love 151 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 very closely resemembeled the serotonin levels 152 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 of people who had been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. 153 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Laugther) 154 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Yes, 155 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and low levels of serotonin 156 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 are also associated with Seasonal Affective Disorder 157 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and Depression. 158 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So there is some evidence 159 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that love is associated with changes to our moods and our behaviors, 160 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and there are other studies 161 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 to confirm that most relationships begin this way. 162 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Researchers believe that the low levels of serotonin 163 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 is correlated with obsessive thinking about the object of love, 164 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 which is like this feeling that someone has set up camp in your brain, 165 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and most of us feel this way when we first fall in love. 166 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But the good news is that it doesn't always last that long -- 167 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 usually from a few months to a couple of years. 168 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So when I got back from my trip to South America, 169 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I spent a lot of time alone in my room, 170 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 checking my email, 171 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 desperate to hear from the guy I loved. 172 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I decided that if my friends could not understand my grievous affliction, 173 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 then I did not need their friendship. 174 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So I stopped hanging out with most of them. 175 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And it was probably the most unhappy year of my life, 176 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but I think I felt like it was my job to be miserable, 177 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 because if I could be miserable, 178 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 then I would prove how much I loved him, 179 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and if I could prove it, 180 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 then we would have to end up together eventually. 181 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 This is the real madness, 182 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 because there is not cosmic rule 183 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that says that great suffering equals great reward, 184 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but we talk about love as if this is true. 185 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Our experiences of love are both biological and cultural. 186 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Our biology tells us that love is good 187 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 by activating these reward circuits in our brain, 188 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and it tells us that love is painful when after a fight or a breakup 189 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that neurochemical reward is withdrawn. 190 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And if fact -- 191 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and maybe you've heard this -- 192 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 neurochemically speaking, 193 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 going through a breakup is a lot like going through cocaine withdrawl, 194 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 which I find reassuring -- 195 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Laughter) 196 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And then our culture uses language 197 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 to shape and reinforce these ideas about love. 198 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 In this case, 199 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we're talking about metaphors about pain, addiction and madness. 200 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It's kind of an interesting feedback loop. 201 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Love is powerful and at times painful, 202 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and we express this in our words and stories, 203 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but then our words and stories prime us to expect love to be powerful and painful. 204 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 What's interesting to me 205 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 is that all of this happens in a culture that values lifelong monogamy. 206 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It seems like we want it both ways: 207 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we want love to feel like madness, 208 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and we want it to last an entire lifetime. 209 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 That sounds terrible. 210 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Laughter) 211 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 To reconcile this, 212 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we need to either change our culture or change our expectations. 213 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So imagine if we were all less passive in love. 214 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 We were more assertive, more open-mined, more generous, 215 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and instead of falling in love, 216 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we stepped into love. 217 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I know that this is asking a lot, 218 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but I'm not actually the first person to suggest this. 219 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 In their book "Metaphors We Live By," 220 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution 221 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 to this dilemna, 222 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 which is to change our metaphors. 223 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 They argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world, 224 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and that they can even act as a guide for future actions, 225 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 like self-fulfilling prophecies. 226 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love: 227 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 love is a collaborative work of art. 228 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I really like this way of thinking about love. 229 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments, 230 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of, 231 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 or ideas contained within a given metaphor, 232 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and Johnson and Lakoff talk about everything 233 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that that collaborating on a work of art entails: 234 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 effort, compromise, patience, shared goals. 235 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And these ideas align nicely with our cultural investment 236 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 in long-term romantic commitment, 237 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but they also work well for other kinds of relationships -- 238 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 short-term, casual, polyamorous, non-monogomous, asexual -- 239 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas 240 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 to the experience of loving someone. 241 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So if love is a collaborative work of art, 242 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 then love is an aesthetic experience. 243 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Love is unpredictable, 244 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 love is creative, 245 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 love requires communication and discipline, 246 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 it is frustrating and emotionally demanding, 247 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and love involves both joy and pain. 248 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Ultimately, each experience of love is different. 249 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 When I was younger, 250 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 it never occurred to me 251 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that I was allowed to demand more from love, 252 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that I didn't have to just accept whatever love offered. 253 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 When 14-year-old Juliet first meets -- 254 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo, 255 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 whom she has met four days ago, 256 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 she does not feel disappointed or angsty -- 257 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 where is she? 258 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 She wants to die. 259 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Right? 260 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And just as a refesher, 261 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 at this point in the play, 262 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 act three of five, 263 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Romeo is not dead. 264 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 He's alive, 265 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 he's healthy, 266 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 he's just been banished from the city. 267 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I understand that sixteenth-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America, 268 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and yet when I first read this play, 269 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 also at age 14, 270 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Juliet's suffering made sense to me. 271 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire, 272 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 rather than something that just happens to me without my conrol or consent, 273 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 is empowering. 274 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It's still hard. 275 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days, 276 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and when I feel really frustrated, 277 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I have to remind myself, 278 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner 279 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 about what I want to make together. 280 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 This isn't easy either, 281 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but its just so much better that the alternative, 282 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 which is that thing that feels like madness. 283 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 This version of love is not about winning of losing someone's affection. 284 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Instead, it requires that you trust your partner, 285 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and talk about things when trusting feels difficult, 286 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 which sound so simple, 287 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but is actually a kind of revolutionary, radical act. 288 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 This is because you get to stop thinking about yourself, 289 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and what you're gaining or losing in your relationship, 290 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer. 291 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 This version of love allows us to say things like, 292 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 "Hey, we're not very good collaborators, 293 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 maybe this isn't for us." 294 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Or, "That relationship was shorter than I had planned, 295 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but it was still kind of beautiful." 296 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 The beautiful thing about the collaborative work of art 297 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 is that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself. 298 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 This version allows us to decide what it looks like. 299 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Thank you. 300 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 (Applause)