1 00:00:00,553 --> 00:00:04,853 OK, so today I want to talk about how we talk about love. 2 00:00:05,237 --> 00:00:06,387 And specifically, 3 00:00:06,411 --> 00:00:09,846 I want to talk about what's wrong with how we talk about love. 4 00:00:10,673 --> 00:00:14,080 Most of us will probably fall in love a few times 5 00:00:14,104 --> 00:00:15,569 over the course of our lives, 6 00:00:15,593 --> 00:00:19,803 and in the English language, this metaphor, falling, 7 00:00:19,827 --> 00:00:22,841 is really the main way that we talk about that experience. 8 00:00:23,592 --> 00:00:24,743 I don't know about you, 9 00:00:24,767 --> 00:00:26,694 but when I conceptualize this metaphor, 10 00:00:26,718 --> 00:00:29,596 what I picture is straight out of a cartoon -- 11 00:00:30,076 --> 00:00:31,372 like there's a man, 12 00:00:31,396 --> 00:00:33,113 he's walking down the sidewalk, 13 00:00:33,137 --> 00:00:36,249 without realizing it, he crosses over an open manhole, 14 00:00:36,273 --> 00:00:39,934 and he just plummets into the sewer below. 15 00:00:39,958 --> 00:00:44,038 And I picture it this way because falling is not jumping. 16 00:00:44,769 --> 00:00:46,801 Falling is accidental, 17 00:00:46,825 --> 00:00:48,727 it's uncontrollable. 18 00:00:48,751 --> 00:00:52,276 It's something that happens to us without our consent. 19 00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:53,493 And this -- 20 00:00:53,517 --> 00:00:57,084 this is the main way we talk about starting a new relationship. 21 00:00:58,336 --> 00:01:02,103 I am a writer and I'm also an English teacher, 22 00:01:02,127 --> 00:01:04,412 which means I think about words for a living. 23 00:01:04,436 --> 00:01:08,586 You could say that I get paid to argue that the language we use matters, 24 00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:12,810 and I would like to argue that many of the metaphors we use 25 00:01:12,834 --> 00:01:14,401 to talk about love -- 26 00:01:14,425 --> 00:01:16,248 maybe even most of them -- 27 00:01:16,272 --> 00:01:17,673 are a problem. 28 00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,593 So, in love, we fall. 29 00:01:21,766 --> 00:01:23,231 We're struck. 30 00:01:23,255 --> 00:01:24,651 We are crushed. 31 00:01:25,331 --> 00:01:26,701 We swoon. 32 00:01:27,186 --> 00:01:28,983 We burn with passion. 33 00:01:29,738 --> 00:01:31,715 Love makes us crazy, 34 00:01:31,739 --> 00:01:33,303 and it makes us sick. 35 00:01:33,796 --> 00:01:35,156 Our hearts ache, 36 00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:37,186 and then they break. 37 00:01:38,226 --> 00:01:41,370 So our metaphors equate the experience of loving someone 38 00:01:41,394 --> 00:01:44,047 to extreme violence or illness. 39 00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:46,156 (Laughter) 40 00:01:47,101 --> 00:01:48,252 They do. 41 00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,259 And they position us as the victims 42 00:01:50,283 --> 00:01:53,642 of unforeseen and totally unavoidable circumstances. 43 00:01:54,547 --> 00:01:57,270 My favorite one of these is "smitten," 44 00:01:57,294 --> 00:02:00,148 which is the past participle of the word "smite." 45 00:02:00,172 --> 00:02:03,240 And if you look this word up in the dictionary -- 46 00:02:03,264 --> 00:02:04,288 (Laughter) 47 00:02:04,312 --> 00:02:08,830 you will see that it can be defined as both "grievous affliction," 48 00:02:08,854 --> 00:02:11,705 and, "to be very much in love." 49 00:02:13,716 --> 00:02:17,060 I tend to associate the word "smite" with a very particular context, 50 00:02:17,084 --> 00:02:18,648 which is the Old Testament. 51 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:24,308 In the Book of Exodus alone, there are 16 references to smiting, 52 00:02:24,332 --> 00:02:28,105 which is the word that the Bible uses for the vengeance of an angry God. 53 00:02:28,129 --> 00:02:29,850 (Laughter) 54 00:02:29,874 --> 00:02:32,579 Here we are using the same word to talk about love 55 00:02:32,603 --> 00:02:35,029 that we use to explain a plague of locusts. 56 00:02:35,053 --> 00:02:36,081 (Laughter) 57 00:02:36,105 --> 00:02:37,361 Right? 58 00:02:37,385 --> 00:02:39,477 So, how did this happen? 59 00:02:39,501 --> 00:02:43,492 How have we come to associate love with great pain and suffering? 60 00:02:43,516 --> 00:02:47,505 And why do we talk about this ostensibly good experience 61 00:02:47,529 --> 00:02:49,633 as if we are victims? 62 00:02:50,556 --> 00:02:52,247 These are difficult questions, 63 00:02:52,271 --> 00:02:53,917 but I have some theories. 64 00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,180 And to think this through, 65 00:02:55,204 --> 00:02:57,832 I want to focus on one metaphor in particular, 66 00:02:57,856 --> 00:03:00,027 which is the idea of love as madness. 67 00:03:01,088 --> 00:03:03,795 When I first started researching romantic love, 68 00:03:03,819 --> 00:03:06,580 I found these madness metaphors everywhere. 69 00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:08,707 The history of Western culture 70 00:03:08,731 --> 00:03:12,668 is full of language that equates love to mental illness. 71 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,367 These are just a few examples. 72 00:03:15,391 --> 00:03:16,734 William Shakespeare: 73 00:03:16,758 --> 00:03:18,191 "Love is merely a madness," 74 00:03:18,215 --> 00:03:19,532 from "As You Like It." 75 00:03:20,092 --> 00:03:21,349 Friedrich Nietzsche: 76 00:03:21,373 --> 00:03:23,876 "There is always some madness in love." 77 00:03:24,559 --> 00:03:27,425 "Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love -- " 78 00:03:27,449 --> 00:03:29,518 (Laughter) 79 00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:32,140 from the great philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles. 80 00:03:32,164 --> 00:03:33,625 (Laughter) 81 00:03:35,083 --> 00:03:37,917 I fell in love for the first time when I was 20, 82 00:03:37,941 --> 00:03:41,120 and it was a pretty turbulent relationship right from the start. 83 00:03:41,459 --> 00:03:44,664 And it was long distance for the first couple of years, 84 00:03:44,688 --> 00:03:49,284 so for me that meant very high highs and very low lows. 85 00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:51,998 I can remember one moment in particular. 86 00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:55,925 I was sitting on a bed in a hostel in South America, 87 00:03:55,949 --> 00:03:59,645 and I was watching the person I love walk out the door. 88 00:04:00,151 --> 00:04:01,764 And it was late, 89 00:04:01,788 --> 00:04:03,048 it was nearly midnight, 90 00:04:03,072 --> 00:04:05,049 we'd gotten into an argument over dinner, 91 00:04:05,073 --> 00:04:07,022 and when we got back to our room, 92 00:04:07,046 --> 00:04:09,771 he threw his things in the bag and stormed out. 93 00:04:11,141 --> 00:04:14,400 While I can no longer remember what that argument was about, 94 00:04:14,424 --> 00:04:18,479 I very clearly remember how I felt watching him leave. 95 00:04:19,122 --> 00:04:22,667 I was 22, it was my first time in the developing world, 96 00:04:23,424 --> 00:04:25,679 and I was totally alone. 97 00:04:26,412 --> 00:04:29,779 I had another week until my flight home, 98 00:04:29,803 --> 00:04:32,171 and I knew the name of the town that I was in, 99 00:04:32,195 --> 00:04:35,778 and the name of the city that I needed to get to to fly out, 100 00:04:35,802 --> 00:04:39,058 but I had no idea how to get around. 101 00:04:39,842 --> 00:04:43,019 I had no guidebook and very little money, 102 00:04:43,043 --> 00:04:44,813 and I spoke no Spanish. 103 00:04:45,547 --> 00:04:47,644 Someone more adventurous than me 104 00:04:47,668 --> 00:04:50,098 might have seen this as a moment of opportunity, 105 00:04:50,122 --> 00:04:51,952 but I just froze. 106 00:04:52,406 --> 00:04:54,223 I just sat there. 107 00:04:54,738 --> 00:04:56,781 And then I burst into tears. 108 00:04:57,357 --> 00:04:59,728 But despite my panic, 109 00:04:59,752 --> 00:05:02,322 some small voice in my head thought, 110 00:05:02,346 --> 00:05:04,683 "Wow. That was dramatic. 111 00:05:04,707 --> 00:05:07,406 I must really be doing this love thing right." 112 00:05:07,430 --> 00:05:09,218 (Laughter) 113 00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:13,762 Because some part of me wanted to feel miserable in love. 114 00:05:14,226 --> 00:05:17,666 And it sounds so strange to me now, but at 22, 115 00:05:17,690 --> 00:05:20,835 I longed to have dramatic experiences, 116 00:05:20,859 --> 00:05:26,057 and in that moment, I was irrational and furious and devastated, 117 00:05:26,081 --> 00:05:27,305 and weirdly enough, 118 00:05:27,329 --> 00:05:30,705 I thought that this somehow legitimized the feelings I had 119 00:05:30,729 --> 00:05:32,568 for the guy who had just left me. 120 00:05:34,163 --> 00:05:38,526 I think on some level I wanted to feel a little bit crazy, 121 00:05:38,550 --> 00:05:42,082 because I thought that that was how loved worked. 122 00:05:43,141 --> 00:05:44,948 This really should not be surprising, 123 00:05:44,972 --> 00:05:47,426 considering that according to Wikipedia, 124 00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:49,723 there are eight films, 125 00:05:49,747 --> 00:05:51,744 14 songs, 126 00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:54,965 two albums and one novel with the title "Crazy Love." 127 00:05:55,837 --> 00:05:58,963 About half an hour later, he came back to our room. 128 00:05:58,987 --> 00:06:00,138 We made up. 129 00:06:00,162 --> 00:06:02,979 We spent another mostly happy week traveling together. 130 00:06:03,003 --> 00:06:04,435 And then, when I got home, 131 00:06:04,459 --> 00:06:09,443 I thought, "That was so terrible and so great. 132 00:06:09,989 --> 00:06:11,704 This must be a real romance." 133 00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:15,706 I expected my first love to feel like madness, 134 00:06:15,730 --> 00:06:19,510 and of course, it met that expectation very well. 135 00:06:19,941 --> 00:06:21,632 But loving someone like that -- 136 00:06:21,656 --> 00:06:25,751 as if my entire well-being depended on him loving me back -- 137 00:06:25,775 --> 00:06:27,868 was not very good for me 138 00:06:27,892 --> 00:06:29,042 or for him. 139 00:06:29,850 --> 00:06:33,551 But I suspect this experience of love is not that unusual. 140 00:06:34,026 --> 00:06:38,237 Most of us do feel a bit mad in the early stages of romantic love. 141 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:42,631 In fact, there is research to confirm that this is somewhat normal, 142 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,166 because, neurochemically speaking, 143 00:06:45,190 --> 00:06:49,752 romantic love and mental illness are not that easily distinguished. 144 00:06:51,046 --> 00:06:52,197 This is true. 145 00:06:52,221 --> 00:06:56,780 This study from 1999 used blood tests 146 00:06:56,804 --> 00:06:59,898 to confirm that the serotonin levels of the newly in love 147 00:06:59,922 --> 00:07:02,719 very closely resembled the serotonin levels 148 00:07:02,743 --> 00:07:06,048 of people who had been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. 149 00:07:06,072 --> 00:07:07,080 (Laughter) 150 00:07:07,104 --> 00:07:09,801 Yes, and low levels of serotonin 151 00:07:09,825 --> 00:07:13,427 are also associated with seasonal affective disorder 152 00:07:13,451 --> 00:07:14,731 and depression. 153 00:07:15,687 --> 00:07:17,947 So there is some evidence 154 00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:22,319 that love is associated with changes to our moods and our behaviors. 155 00:07:22,343 --> 00:07:26,350 And there are other studies to confirm 156 00:07:26,374 --> 00:07:30,064 that most relationships begin this way. 157 00:07:30,660 --> 00:07:34,823 Researchers believe that the low levels of serotonin 158 00:07:34,847 --> 00:07:38,882 is correlated with obsessive thinking about the object of love, 159 00:07:38,906 --> 00:07:42,964 which is like this feeling that someone has set up camp in your brain. 160 00:07:42,988 --> 00:07:45,919 And most of us feel this way when we first fall in love. 161 00:07:45,943 --> 00:07:49,069 But the good news is, it doesn't always last that long -- 162 00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:52,266 usually from a few months to a couple of years. 163 00:07:53,352 --> 00:07:56,160 When I got back from my trip to South America, 164 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:59,761 I spent a lot of time alone in my room, 165 00:07:59,785 --> 00:08:01,125 checking my email, 166 00:08:01,149 --> 00:08:03,512 desperate to hear from the guy I loved. 167 00:08:04,545 --> 00:08:09,893 I decided that if my friends could not understand my grievous affliction, 168 00:08:09,917 --> 00:08:11,866 then I did not need their friendship. 169 00:08:11,890 --> 00:08:13,973 So I stopped hanging out with most of them. 170 00:08:14,387 --> 00:08:18,581 And it was probably the most unhappy year of my life. 171 00:08:19,086 --> 00:08:23,200 But I think I felt like it was my job to be miserable, 172 00:08:23,849 --> 00:08:25,641 because if I could be miserable, 173 00:08:25,665 --> 00:08:28,332 then I would prove how much I loved him. 174 00:08:28,356 --> 00:08:30,241 And if I could prove it, 175 00:08:30,265 --> 00:08:33,219 then we would have to end up together eventually. 176 00:08:34,050 --> 00:08:36,138 This is the real madness, 177 00:08:36,162 --> 00:08:38,557 because there is no cosmic rule 178 00:08:38,581 --> 00:08:41,943 that says that great suffering equals great reward, 179 00:08:42,478 --> 00:08:46,382 but we talk about love as if this is true. 180 00:08:47,463 --> 00:08:51,139 Our experiences of love are both biological and cultural. 181 00:08:51,774 --> 00:08:54,233 Our biology tells us that love is good 182 00:08:54,257 --> 00:08:57,411 by activating these reward circuits in our brain, 183 00:08:57,435 --> 00:09:02,055 and it tells us that love is painful when, after a fight or a breakup, 184 00:09:02,079 --> 00:09:04,689 that neurochemical reward is withdrawn. 185 00:09:05,155 --> 00:09:07,597 And in fact -- and maybe you've heard this -- 186 00:09:07,621 --> 00:09:09,465 neurochemically speaking, 187 00:09:09,489 --> 00:09:12,923 going through a breakup is a lot like going through cocaine withdrawal, 188 00:09:13,675 --> 00:09:15,311 which I find reassuring. 189 00:09:15,335 --> 00:09:16,485 (Laughter) 190 00:09:17,066 --> 00:09:19,898 And then our culture uses language 191 00:09:19,922 --> 00:09:22,703 to shape and reinforce these ideas about love. 192 00:09:22,727 --> 00:09:25,351 In this case, we're talking about metaphors about pain 193 00:09:25,375 --> 00:09:26,890 and addiction and madness. 194 00:09:27,826 --> 00:09:30,270 It's kind of an interesting feedback loop. 195 00:09:30,294 --> 00:09:33,811 Love is powerful and at times painful, 196 00:09:33,835 --> 00:09:36,600 and we express this in our words and stories, 197 00:09:37,182 --> 00:09:39,680 but then our words and stories prime us 198 00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:43,166 to expect love to be powerful and painful. 199 00:09:43,955 --> 00:09:47,128 What's interesting to me is that all of this happens 200 00:09:47,152 --> 00:09:49,875 in a culture that values lifelong monogamy. 201 00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:52,719 It seems like we want it both ways: 202 00:09:52,743 --> 00:09:55,094 we want love to feel like madness, 203 00:09:55,718 --> 00:09:58,864 and we want it to last an entire lifetime. 204 00:09:59,561 --> 00:10:01,124 That sounds terrible. 205 00:10:01,148 --> 00:10:02,677 (Laughter) 206 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,449 To reconcile this, 207 00:10:05,473 --> 00:10:10,498 we need to either change our culture or change our expectations. 208 00:10:11,408 --> 00:10:15,001 So, imagine if we were all less passive in love. 209 00:10:15,642 --> 00:10:19,788 If we were more assertive, more open-minded, more generous 210 00:10:19,812 --> 00:10:23,113 and instead of falling in love, 211 00:10:23,137 --> 00:10:25,362 we stepped into love. 212 00:10:26,223 --> 00:10:28,152 I know that this is asking a lot, 213 00:10:28,176 --> 00:10:31,650 but I'm not actually the first person to suggest this. 214 00:10:33,012 --> 00:10:35,521 In their book, "Metaphors We Live By," 215 00:10:35,545 --> 00:10:40,659 linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution 216 00:10:40,683 --> 00:10:41,901 to this dilemma, 217 00:10:42,491 --> 00:10:44,907 which is to change our metaphors. 218 00:10:45,795 --> 00:10:50,212 They argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world, 219 00:10:51,071 --> 00:10:54,569 and that they can even act as a guide for future actions, 220 00:10:54,593 --> 00:10:56,481 like self-fulfilling prophecies. 221 00:10:57,489 --> 00:11:01,045 Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love: 222 00:11:01,977 --> 00:11:04,091 love as a collaborative work of art. 223 00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:07,922 I really like this way of thinking about love. 224 00:11:09,028 --> 00:11:12,550 Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments, 225 00:11:12,574 --> 00:11:16,370 which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of, 226 00:11:16,394 --> 00:11:19,326 or ideas contained within, a given metaphor. 227 00:11:19,350 --> 00:11:22,259 And Johnson and Lakoff talk about everything 228 00:11:22,283 --> 00:11:24,435 that collaborating on a work of art entails: 229 00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:29,131 effort, compromise, patience, shared goals. 230 00:11:29,655 --> 00:11:33,485 These ideas align nicely with our cultural investment 231 00:11:33,509 --> 00:11:35,582 in long-term romantic commitment, 232 00:11:35,606 --> 00:11:39,217 but they also work well for other kinds of relationships -- 233 00:11:40,020 --> 00:11:45,676 short-term, casual, polyamorous, non-monogamous, asexual -- 234 00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:49,585 because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas 235 00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:51,649 to the experience of loving someone. 236 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:57,064 So if love is a collaborative work of art, 237 00:11:57,088 --> 00:12:00,500 then love is an aesthetic experience. 238 00:12:01,524 --> 00:12:03,419 Love is unpredictable, 239 00:12:04,153 --> 00:12:06,177 love is creative, 240 00:12:06,898 --> 00:12:11,031 love requires communication and discipline, 241 00:12:11,055 --> 00:12:14,244 it is frustrating and emotionally demanding. 242 00:12:14,677 --> 00:12:18,027 And love involves both joy and pain. 243 00:12:18,742 --> 00:12:22,361 Ultimately, each experience of love is different. 244 00:12:23,759 --> 00:12:25,386 When I was younger, 245 00:12:25,410 --> 00:12:30,078 it never occurred to me that I was allowed to demand more from love, 246 00:12:30,102 --> 00:12:33,795 that I didn't have to just accept whatever love offered. 247 00:12:34,775 --> 00:12:38,104 When 14-year-old Juliet first meets -- 248 00:12:38,128 --> 00:12:42,053 or, when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo, 249 00:12:42,077 --> 00:12:44,714 whom she has met four days ago, 250 00:12:44,738 --> 00:12:48,548 she does not feel disappointed or angsty. 251 00:12:49,022 --> 00:12:50,379 Where is she? 252 00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:51,697 She wants to die. 253 00:12:52,236 --> 00:12:53,387 Right? 254 00:12:53,411 --> 00:12:55,880 And just as a refresher, at this point in the play, 255 00:12:55,904 --> 00:12:57,212 act three of five, 256 00:12:57,236 --> 00:12:59,057 Romeo is not dead. 257 00:12:59,641 --> 00:13:00,981 He's alive, 258 00:13:01,005 --> 00:13:02,393 he's healthy, 259 00:13:02,417 --> 00:13:04,611 he's just been banished from the city. 260 00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:11,854 I understand that 16th-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America, 261 00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:14,856 and yet when I first read this play, 262 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,273 also at age 14, 263 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,980 Juliet's suffering made sense to me. 264 00:13:21,295 --> 00:13:26,652 Reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire, 265 00:13:26,676 --> 00:13:29,120 rather than something that just happens to me 266 00:13:29,144 --> 00:13:31,666 without my control or consent, 267 00:13:31,690 --> 00:13:33,295 is empowering. 268 00:13:33,779 --> 00:13:35,397 It's still hard. 269 00:13:35,421 --> 00:13:40,953 Love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days, 270 00:13:40,977 --> 00:13:43,092 and when I feel really frustrated, 271 00:13:43,116 --> 00:13:44,446 I have to remind myself: 272 00:13:44,995 --> 00:13:48,339 my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner 273 00:13:48,363 --> 00:13:50,414 about what I want to make together. 274 00:13:51,923 --> 00:13:54,257 This isn't easy, either. 275 00:13:54,756 --> 00:13:58,203 But it's just so much better than the alternative, 276 00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:01,449 which is that thing that feels like madness. 277 00:14:02,839 --> 00:14:08,196 This version of love is not about winning or losing someone's affection. 278 00:14:08,761 --> 00:14:12,359 Instead, it requires that you trust your partner 279 00:14:12,383 --> 00:14:15,457 and talk about things when trusting feels difficult, 280 00:14:15,481 --> 00:14:17,927 which sounds so simple, 281 00:14:17,951 --> 00:14:22,447 but is actually a kind of revolutionary, radical act. 282 00:14:23,062 --> 00:14:26,326 This is because you get to stop thinking about yourself 283 00:14:27,230 --> 00:14:30,371 and what you're gaining or losing in your relationship, 284 00:14:30,395 --> 00:14:33,792 and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer. 285 00:14:34,811 --> 00:14:38,216 This version of love allows us to say things like, 286 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:43,070 "Hey, we're not very good collaborators. Maybe this isn't for us." 287 00:14:43,733 --> 00:14:47,594 Or, "That relationship was shorter than I had planned, 288 00:14:47,618 --> 00:14:49,790 but it was still kind of beautiful." 289 00:14:50,836 --> 00:14:53,626 The beautiful thing about the collaborative work of art 290 00:14:53,650 --> 00:14:56,541 is that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself. 291 00:14:57,098 --> 00:15:01,009 This version of love allows us to decide what it looks like. 292 00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:02,184 Thank you. 293 00:15:02,208 --> 00:15:04,231 (Applause)