0:00:00.553,0:00:04.853 OK, so today I want to talk[br]about how we talk about love. 0:00:05.237,0:00:06.387 And specifically, 0:00:06.411,0:00:09.846 I want to talk about what's wrong[br]with how we talk about love. 0:00:10.673,0:00:14.080 Most of us will probably[br]fall in love a few times 0:00:14.104,0:00:15.569 over the course of our lives, 0:00:15.593,0:00:19.803 and in the English language,[br]this metaphor, falling, 0:00:19.827,0:00:22.841 is really the main way that we[br]talk about that experience. 0:00:23.592,0:00:24.743 I don't know about you, 0:00:24.767,0:00:26.694 but when I conceptualize this metaphor, 0:00:26.718,0:00:29.596 what I picture is straight[br]out of a cartoon -- 0:00:30.076,0:00:31.372 like there's a man, 0:00:31.396,0:00:33.113 he's walking down the sidewalk, 0:00:33.137,0:00:36.249 without realizing it, he crosses[br]over an open manhole, 0:00:36.273,0:00:39.934 and he just plummets into the sewer below. 0:00:39.958,0:00:44.038 And I picture it this way[br]because falling is not jumping. 0:00:44.769,0:00:46.801 Falling is accidental, 0:00:46.825,0:00:48.727 it's uncontrollable. 0:00:48.751,0:00:52.276 It's something that happens to us[br]without our consent. 0:00:52.300,0:00:53.493 And this -- 0:00:53.517,0:00:57.084 this is the main way we talk[br]about starting a new relationship. 0:00:58.336,0:01:02.103 I am a writer and I'm also[br]an English teacher, 0:01:02.127,0:01:04.412 which means I think[br]about words for a living. 0:01:04.436,0:01:08.586 You could say that I get paid[br]to argue that the language we use matters, 0:01:08.610,0:01:12.810 and I would like to argue[br]that many of the metaphors we use 0:01:12.834,0:01:14.401 to talk about love -- 0:01:14.425,0:01:16.248 maybe even most of them -- 0:01:16.272,0:01:17.673 are a problem. 0:01:18.700,0:01:20.593 So, in love, we fall. 0:01:21.766,0:01:23.231 We're struck. 0:01:23.255,0:01:24.651 We are crushed. 0:01:25.331,0:01:26.701 We swoon. 0:01:27.186,0:01:28.983 We burn with passion. 0:01:29.738,0:01:31.715 Love makes us crazy, 0:01:31.739,0:01:33.303 and it makes us sick. 0:01:33.796,0:01:35.156 Our hearts ache, 0:01:35.180,0:01:37.186 and then they break. 0:01:38.226,0:01:41.370 So our metaphors equate[br]the experience of loving someone 0:01:41.394,0:01:44.047 to extreme violence or illness. 0:01:44.071,0:01:46.156 (Laughter) 0:01:47.101,0:01:48.252 They do. 0:01:48.276,0:01:50.259 And they position us as the victims 0:01:50.283,0:01:53.642 of unforeseen and totally[br]unavoidable circumstances. 0:01:54.547,0:01:57.270 My favorite one of these is "smitten," 0:01:57.294,0:02:00.148 which is the past participle[br]of the word "smite." 0:02:00.172,0:02:03.240 And if you look this word up[br]in the dictionary -- 0:02:03.264,0:02:04.288 (Laughter) 0:02:04.312,0:02:08.830 you will see that it can be defined[br]as both "grievous affliction," 0:02:08.854,0:02:11.705 and, "to be very much in love." 0:02:13.716,0:02:17.060 I tend to associate the word "smite"[br]with a very particular context, 0:02:17.084,0:02:18.648 which is the Old Testament. 0:02:19.560,0:02:24.308 In the Book of Exodus alone,[br]there are 16 references to smiting, 0:02:24.332,0:02:28.105 which is the word that the Bible uses[br]for the vengeance of an angry God. 0:02:28.129,0:02:29.850 (Laughter) 0:02:29.874,0:02:32.579 Here we are using the same word[br]to talk about love 0:02:32.603,0:02:35.029 that we use to explain[br]a plague of locusts. 0:02:35.053,0:02:36.081 (Laughter) 0:02:36.105,0:02:37.361 Right? 0:02:37.385,0:02:39.477 So, how did this happen? 0:02:39.501,0:02:43.492 How have we come to associate love[br]with great pain and suffering? 0:02:43.516,0:02:47.505 And why do we talk about[br]this ostensibly good experience 0:02:47.529,0:02:49.633 as if we are victims? 0:02:50.556,0:02:52.247 These are difficult questions, 0:02:52.271,0:02:53.917 but I have some theories. 0:02:53.941,0:02:55.180 And to think this through, 0:02:55.204,0:02:57.832 I want to focus on one[br]metaphor in particular, 0:02:57.856,0:03:00.027 which is the idea of love as madness. 0:03:01.088,0:03:03.795 When I first started[br]researching romantic love, 0:03:03.819,0:03:06.580 I found these madness[br]metaphors everywhere. 0:03:06.604,0:03:08.707 The history of Western culture 0:03:08.731,0:03:12.668 is full of language that equates[br]love to mental illness. 0:03:13.440,0:03:15.367 These are just a few examples. 0:03:15.391,0:03:16.734 William Shakespeare: 0:03:16.758,0:03:18.191 "Love is merely a madness," 0:03:18.215,0:03:19.532 from "As You Like It." 0:03:20.092,0:03:21.349 Friedrich Nietzsche: 0:03:21.373,0:03:23.876 "There is always some madness in love." 0:03:24.559,0:03:27.425 "Got me looking, got me looking[br]so crazy in love -- " 0:03:27.449,0:03:29.518 (Laughter) 0:03:29.542,0:03:32.140 from the great philosopher,[br]Beyoncé Knowles. 0:03:32.164,0:03:33.625 (Laughter) 0:03:35.083,0:03:37.917 I fell in love for the first[br]time when I was 20, 0:03:37.941,0:03:41.120 and it was a pretty turbulent[br]relationship right from the start. 0:03:41.459,0:03:44.664 And it was long distance[br]for the first couple of years, 0:03:44.688,0:03:49.284 so for me that meant very high highs[br]and very low lows. 0:03:49.794,0:03:51.998 I can remember one moment in particular. 0:03:52.580,0:03:55.925 I was sitting on a bed[br]in a hostel in South America, 0:03:55.949,0:03:59.645 and I was watching the person[br]I love walk out the door. 0:04:00.151,0:04:01.764 And it was late, 0:04:01.788,0:04:03.048 it was nearly midnight, 0:04:03.072,0:04:05.049 we'd gotten into an argument over dinner, 0:04:05.073,0:04:07.022 and when we got back to our room, 0:04:07.046,0:04:09.771 he threw his things in the bag[br]and stormed out. 0:04:11.141,0:04:14.400 While I can no longer remember[br]what that argument was about, 0:04:14.424,0:04:18.479 I very clearly remember[br]how I felt watching him leave. 0:04:19.122,0:04:22.667 I was 22, it was my first time[br]in the developing world, 0:04:23.424,0:04:25.679 and I was totally alone. 0:04:26.412,0:04:29.779 I had another week until my flight home, 0:04:29.803,0:04:32.171 and I knew the name[br]of the town that I was in, 0:04:32.195,0:04:35.778 and the name of the city[br]that I needed to get to to fly out, 0:04:35.802,0:04:39.058 but I had no idea how to get around. 0:04:39.842,0:04:43.019 I had no guidebook and very little money, 0:04:43.043,0:04:44.813 and I spoke no Spanish. 0:04:45.547,0:04:47.644 Someone more adventurous than me 0:04:47.668,0:04:50.098 might have seen this as[br]a moment of opportunity, 0:04:50.122,0:04:51.952 but I just froze. 0:04:52.406,0:04:54.223 I just sat there. 0:04:54.738,0:04:56.781 And then I burst into tears. 0:04:57.357,0:04:59.728 But despite my panic, 0:04:59.752,0:05:02.322 some small voice in my head thought, 0:05:02.346,0:05:04.683 "Wow. That was dramatic. 0:05:04.707,0:05:07.406 I must really be doing[br]this love thing right." 0:05:07.430,0:05:09.218 (Laughter) 0:05:09.242,0:05:13.762 Because some part of me[br]wanted to feel miserable in love. 0:05:14.226,0:05:17.666 And it sounds so strange[br]to me now, but at 22, 0:05:17.690,0:05:20.835 I longed to have dramatic experiences, 0:05:20.859,0:05:26.057 and in that moment, I was irrational[br]and furious and devastated, 0:05:26.081,0:05:27.305 and weirdly enough, 0:05:27.329,0:05:30.705 I thought that this somehow[br]legitimized the feelings I had 0:05:30.729,0:05:32.568 for the guy who had just left me. 0:05:34.163,0:05:38.526 I think on some level I wanted[br]to feel a little bit crazy, 0:05:38.550,0:05:42.082 because I thought that[br]that was how loved worked. 0:05:43.141,0:05:44.948 This really should not be surprising, 0:05:44.972,0:05:47.426 considering that according to Wikipedia, 0:05:47.450,0:05:49.723 there are eight films, 0:05:49.747,0:05:51.744 14 songs, 0:05:51.768,0:05:54.965 two albums and one novel[br]with the title "Crazy Love." 0:05:55.837,0:05:58.963 About half an hour later,[br]he came back to our room. 0:05:58.987,0:06:00.138 We made up. 0:06:00.162,0:06:02.979 We spent another mostly[br]happy week traveling together. 0:06:03.003,0:06:04.435 And then, when I got home, 0:06:04.459,0:06:09.443 I thought, "That was so[br]terrible and so great. 0:06:09.989,0:06:11.704 This must be a real romance." 0:06:13.006,0:06:15.706 I expected my first love[br]to feel like madness, 0:06:15.730,0:06:19.510 and of course, it met[br]that expectation very well. 0:06:19.941,0:06:21.632 But loving someone like that -- 0:06:21.656,0:06:25.751 as if my entire well-being depended[br]on him loving me back -- 0:06:25.775,0:06:27.868 was not very good for me 0:06:27.892,0:06:29.042 or for him. 0:06:29.850,0:06:33.551 But I suspect this experience of love[br]is not that unusual. 0:06:34.026,0:06:38.237 Most of us do feel a bit mad[br]in the early stages of romantic love. 0:06:38.815,0:06:42.631 In fact, there is research to confirm[br]that this is somewhat normal, 0:06:43.280,0:06:45.166 because, neurochemically speaking, 0:06:45.190,0:06:49.752 romantic love and mental illness[br]are not that easily distinguished. 0:06:51.046,0:06:52.197 This is true. 0:06:52.221,0:06:56.780 This study from 1999 used blood tests 0:06:56.804,0:06:59.898 to confirm that the serotonin[br]levels of the newly in love 0:06:59.922,0:07:02.719 very closely resembled[br]the serotonin levels 0:07:02.743,0:07:06.048 of people who had been diagnosed[br]with obsessive-compulsive disorder. 0:07:06.072,0:07:07.080 (Laughter) 0:07:07.104,0:07:09.801 Yes, and low levels of serotonin 0:07:09.825,0:07:13.427 are also associated[br]with seasonal affective disorder 0:07:13.451,0:07:14.731 and depression. 0:07:15.687,0:07:17.947 So there is some evidence 0:07:17.971,0:07:22.319 that love is associated with changes[br]to our moods and our behaviors. 0:07:22.343,0:07:26.350 And there are other studies to confirm 0:07:26.374,0:07:30.064 that most relationships begin this way. 0:07:30.660,0:07:34.823 Researchers believe[br]that the low levels of serotonin 0:07:34.847,0:07:38.882 is correlated with obsessive thinking[br]about the object of love, 0:07:38.906,0:07:42.964 which is like this feeling that someone[br]has set up camp in your brain. 0:07:42.988,0:07:45.919 And most of us feel this way[br]when we first fall in love. 0:07:45.943,0:07:49.069 But the good news is,[br]it doesn't always last that long -- 0:07:49.093,0:07:52.266 usually from a few months[br]to a couple of years. 0:07:53.352,0:07:56.160 When I got back from my trip[br]to South America, 0:07:56.184,0:07:59.761 I spent a lot of time alone in my room, 0:07:59.785,0:08:01.125 checking my email, 0:08:01.149,0:08:03.512 desperate to hear from the guy I loved. 0:08:04.545,0:08:09.893 I decided that if my friends could not[br]understand my grievous affliction, 0:08:09.917,0:08:11.866 then I did not need their friendship. 0:08:11.890,0:08:13.973 So I stopped hanging out[br]with most of them. 0:08:14.387,0:08:18.581 And it was probably the most[br]unhappy year of my life. 0:08:19.086,0:08:23.200 But I think I felt like[br]it was my job to be miserable, 0:08:23.849,0:08:25.641 because if I could be miserable, 0:08:25.665,0:08:28.332 then I would prove how much I loved him. 0:08:28.356,0:08:30.241 And if I could prove it, 0:08:30.265,0:08:33.219 then we would have to end up[br]together eventually. 0:08:34.050,0:08:36.138 This is the real madness, 0:08:36.162,0:08:38.557 because there is no cosmic rule 0:08:38.581,0:08:41.943 that says that great suffering[br]equals great reward, 0:08:42.478,0:08:46.382 but we talk about love as if this is true. 0:08:47.463,0:08:51.139 Our experiences of love[br]are both biological and cultural. 0:08:51.774,0:08:54.233 Our biology tells us that love is good 0:08:54.257,0:08:57.411 by activating these reward[br]circuits in our brain, 0:08:57.435,0:09:02.055 and it tells us that love is painful[br]when, after a fight or a breakup, 0:09:02.079,0:09:04.689 that neurochemical reward is withdrawn. 0:09:05.155,0:09:07.597 And in fact -- and maybe[br]you've heard this -- 0:09:07.621,0:09:09.465 neurochemically speaking, 0:09:09.489,0:09:12.923 going through a breakup is a lot[br]like going through cocaine withdrawal, 0:09:13.675,0:09:15.311 which I find reassuring. 0:09:15.335,0:09:16.485 (Laughter) 0:09:17.066,0:09:19.898 And then our culture uses language 0:09:19.922,0:09:22.703 to shape and reinforce[br]these ideas about love. 0:09:22.727,0:09:25.351 In this case, we're talking[br]about metaphors about pain 0:09:25.375,0:09:26.890 and addiction and madness. 0:09:27.826,0:09:30.270 It's kind of an interesting feedback loop. 0:09:30.294,0:09:33.811 Love is powerful and at times painful, 0:09:33.835,0:09:36.600 and we express this[br]in our words and stories, 0:09:37.182,0:09:39.680 but then our words and stories prime us 0:09:39.704,0:09:43.166 to expect love to be powerful and painful. 0:09:43.955,0:09:47.128 What's interesting to me[br]is that all of this happens 0:09:47.152,0:09:49.875 in a culture that values[br]lifelong monogamy. 0:09:50.658,0:09:52.719 It seems like we want it both ways: 0:09:52.743,0:09:55.094 we want love to feel like madness, 0:09:55.718,0:09:58.864 and we want it to last an entire lifetime. 0:09:59.561,0:10:01.124 That sounds terrible. 0:10:01.148,0:10:02.677 (Laughter) 0:10:03.853,0:10:05.449 To reconcile this, 0:10:05.473,0:10:10.498 we need to either change our culture[br]or change our expectations. 0:10:11.408,0:10:15.001 So, imagine if we were all[br]less passive in love. 0:10:15.642,0:10:19.788 If we were more assertive,[br]more open-minded, more generous 0:10:19.812,0:10:23.113 and instead of falling in love, 0:10:23.137,0:10:25.362 we stepped into love. 0:10:26.223,0:10:28.152 I know that this is asking a lot, 0:10:28.176,0:10:31.650 but I'm not actually[br]the first person to suggest this. 0:10:33.012,0:10:35.521 In their book, "Metaphors We Live By," 0:10:35.545,0:10:40.659 linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff[br]suggest a really interesting solution 0:10:40.683,0:10:41.901 to this dilemma, 0:10:42.491,0:10:44.907 which is to change our metaphors. 0:10:45.795,0:10:50.212 They argue that metaphors really do shape[br]the way we experience the world, 0:10:51.071,0:10:54.569 and that they can even act[br]as a guide for future actions, 0:10:54.593,0:10:56.481 like self-fulfilling prophecies. 0:10:57.489,0:11:01.045 Johnson and Lakoff suggest[br]a new metaphor for love: 0:11:01.977,0:11:04.091 love as a collaborative work of art. 0:11:04.872,0:11:07.922 I really like this way[br]of thinking about love. 0:11:09.028,0:11:12.550 Linguists talk about metaphors[br]as having entailments, 0:11:12.574,0:11:16.370 which is essentially a way of considering[br]all the implications of, 0:11:16.394,0:11:19.326 or ideas contained[br]within, a given metaphor. 0:11:19.350,0:11:22.259 And Johnson and Lakoff[br]talk about everything 0:11:22.283,0:11:24.435 that collaborating[br]on a work of art entails: 0:11:24.976,0:11:29.131 effort, compromise,[br]patience, shared goals. 0:11:29.655,0:11:33.485 These ideas align nicely[br]with our cultural investment 0:11:33.509,0:11:35.582 in long-term romantic commitment, 0:11:35.606,0:11:39.217 but they also work well[br]for other kinds of relationships -- 0:11:40.020,0:11:45.676 short-term, casual, polyamorous,[br]non-monogamous, asexual -- 0:11:45.700,0:11:49.585 because this metaphor brings[br]much more complex ideas 0:11:49.609,0:11:51.649 to the experience of loving someone. 0:11:52.670,0:11:57.064 So if love is a collaborative work of art, 0:11:57.088,0:12:00.500 then love is an aesthetic experience. 0:12:01.524,0:12:03.419 Love is unpredictable, 0:12:04.153,0:12:06.177 love is creative, 0:12:06.898,0:12:11.031 love requires communication[br]and discipline, 0:12:11.055,0:12:14.244 it is frustrating[br]and emotionally demanding. 0:12:14.677,0:12:18.027 And love involves both joy and pain. 0:12:18.742,0:12:22.361 Ultimately, each experience[br]of love is different. 0:12:23.759,0:12:25.386 When I was younger, 0:12:25.410,0:12:30.078 it never occurred to me that I was allowed[br]to demand more from love, 0:12:30.102,0:12:33.795 that I didn't have to just accept[br]whatever love offered. 0:12:34.775,0:12:38.104 When 14-year-old Juliet first meets -- 0:12:38.128,0:12:42.053 or, when 14-year-old Juliet[br]cannot be with Romeo, 0:12:42.077,0:12:44.714 whom she has met four days ago, 0:12:44.738,0:12:48.548 she does not feel disappointed or angsty. 0:12:49.022,0:12:50.379 Where is she? 0:12:50.403,0:12:51.697 She wants to die. 0:12:52.236,0:12:53.387 Right? 0:12:53.411,0:12:55.880 And just as a refresher,[br]at this point in the play, 0:12:55.904,0:12:57.212 act three of five, 0:12:57.236,0:12:59.057 Romeo is not dead. 0:12:59.641,0:13:00.981 He's alive, 0:13:01.005,0:13:02.393 he's healthy, 0:13:02.417,0:13:04.611 he's just been banished from the city. 0:13:05.853,0:13:11.854 I understand that 16th-century Verona[br]is unlike contemporary North America, 0:13:11.878,0:13:14.856 and yet when I first read this play, 0:13:14.880,0:13:17.273 also at age 14, 0:13:17.297,0:13:19.980 Juliet's suffering made sense to me. 0:13:21.295,0:13:26.652 Reframing love as something[br]I get to create with someone I admire, 0:13:26.676,0:13:29.120 rather than something[br]that just happens to me 0:13:29.144,0:13:31.666 without my control or consent, 0:13:31.690,0:13:33.295 is empowering. 0:13:33.779,0:13:35.397 It's still hard. 0:13:35.421,0:13:40.953 Love still feels totally maddening[br]and crushing some days, 0:13:40.977,0:13:43.092 and when I feel really frustrated, 0:13:43.116,0:13:44.446 I have to remind myself: 0:13:44.995,0:13:48.339 my job in this relationship[br]is to talk to my partner 0:13:48.363,0:13:50.414 about what I want to make together. 0:13:51.923,0:13:54.257 This isn't easy, either. 0:13:54.756,0:13:58.203 But it's just so much better[br]than the alternative, 0:13:58.672,0:14:01.449 which is that thing[br]that feels like madness. 0:14:02.839,0:14:08.196 This version of love is not about winning[br]or losing someone's affection. 0:14:08.761,0:14:12.359 Instead, it requires[br]that you trust your partner 0:14:12.383,0:14:15.457 and talk about things[br]when trusting feels difficult, 0:14:15.481,0:14:17.927 which sounds so simple, 0:14:17.951,0:14:22.447 but is actually a kind[br]of revolutionary, radical act. 0:14:23.062,0:14:26.326 This is because you get to stop[br]thinking about yourself 0:14:27.230,0:14:30.371 and what you're gaining[br]or losing in your relationship, 0:14:30.395,0:14:33.792 and you get to start thinking[br]about what you have to offer. 0:14:34.811,0:14:38.216 This version of love[br]allows us to say things like, 0:14:38.240,0:14:43.070 "Hey, we're not very good collaborators.[br]Maybe this isn't for us." 0:14:43.733,0:14:47.594 Or, "That relationship[br]was shorter than I had planned, 0:14:47.618,0:14:49.790 but it was still kind of beautiful." 0:14:50.836,0:14:53.626 The beautiful thing[br]about the collaborative work of art 0:14:53.650,0:14:56.541 is that it will not paint[br]or draw or sculpt itself. 0:14:57.098,0:15:01.009 This version of love allows us[br]to decide what it looks like. 0:15:01.033,0:15:02.184 Thank you. 0:15:02.208,0:15:04.231 (Applause)