WEBVTT 00:00:00.553 --> 00:00:04.853 OK, so today I want to talk about how we talk about love. 00:00:05.237 --> 00:00:06.387 And specifically, 00:00:06.411 --> 00:00:09.846 I want to talk about what's wrong with how we talk about love. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:10.673 --> 00:00:14.080 Most of us will probably fall in love a few times 00:00:14.104 --> 00:00:15.569 over the course of our lives, 00:00:15.593 --> 00:00:19.803 and in the English language, this metaphor, falling, 00:00:19.827 --> 00:00:22.841 is really the main way that we talk about that experience. 00:00:23.592 --> 00:00:24.743 I don't know about you, 00:00:24.767 --> 00:00:26.694 but when I conceptualize this metaphor, 00:00:26.718 --> 00:00:29.596 what I picture is straight out of a cartoon -- 00:00:30.076 --> 00:00:31.372 like there's a man, 00:00:31.396 --> 00:00:33.113 he's walking down the sidewalk, 00:00:33.137 --> 00:00:36.249 without realizing it, he crosses over an open manhole, 00:00:36.273 --> 00:00:39.934 and he just plummets into the sewer below. 00:00:39.958 --> 00:00:44.038 And I picture it this way because falling is not jumping. 00:00:44.769 --> 00:00:46.801 Falling is accidental, 00:00:46.825 --> 00:00:48.727 it's uncontrollable. 00:00:48.751 --> 00:00:52.276 It's something that happens to us without our consent. 00:00:52.300 --> 00:00:53.493 And this -- 00:00:53.517 --> 00:00:57.084 this is the main way we talk about starting a new relationship. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:58.336 --> 00:01:02.103 I am a writer and I'm also an English teacher, 00:01:02.127 --> 00:01:04.412 which means I think about words for a living. 00:01:04.436 --> 00:01:08.586 You could say that I get paid to argue that the language we use matters, 00:01:08.610 --> 00:01:12.810 and I would like to argue that many of the metaphors we use 00:01:12.834 --> 00:01:14.401 to talk about love -- 00:01:14.425 --> 00:01:16.248 maybe even most of them -- 00:01:16.272 --> 00:01:17.673 are a problem. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:18.700 --> 00:01:20.593 So, in love, we fall. 00:01:21.766 --> 00:01:23.231 We're struck. 00:01:23.255 --> 00:01:24.651 We are crushed. 00:01:25.331 --> 00:01:26.701 We swoon. 00:01:27.186 --> 00:01:28.983 We burn with passion. 00:01:29.738 --> 00:01:31.715 Love makes us crazy, 00:01:31.739 --> 00:01:33.303 and it makes us sick. 00:01:33.796 --> 00:01:35.156 Our hearts ache, 00:01:35.180 --> 00:01:37.186 and then they break. 00:01:38.226 --> 00:01:41.370 So our metaphors equate the experience of loving someone 00:01:41.394 --> 00:01:44.047 to extreme violence or illness. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:44.071 --> 00:01:46.156 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:01:47.101 --> 00:01:48.252 They do. 00:01:48.276 --> 00:01:50.259 And they position us as the victims 00:01:50.283 --> 00:01:53.642 of unforeseen and totally unavoidable circumstances. 00:01:54.547 --> 00:01:57.270 My favorite one of these is "smitten," 00:01:57.294 --> 00:02:00.148 which is the past participle of the word "smite." 00:02:00.172 --> 00:02:03.240 And if you look this word up in the dictionary -- NOTE Paragraph 00:02:03.264 --> 00:02:04.288 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:04.312 --> 00:02:08.830 you will see that it can be defined as both "grievous affliction," 00:02:08.854 --> 00:02:11.705 and, "to be very much in love." 00:02:13.716 --> 00:02:17.060 I tend to associate the word "smite" with a very particular context, 00:02:17.084 --> 00:02:18.648 which is the Old Testament. 00:02:19.560 --> 00:02:24.308 In the Book of Exodus alone, there are 16 references to smiting, 00:02:24.332 --> 00:02:28.105 which is the word that the Bible uses for the vengeance of an angry God. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:28.129 --> 00:02:29.850 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:29.874 --> 00:02:32.579 Here we are using the same word to talk about love 00:02:32.603 --> 00:02:35.029 that we use to explain a plague of locusts. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:35.053 --> 00:02:36.081 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:02:36.105 --> 00:02:37.361 Right? NOTE Paragraph 00:02:37.385 --> 00:02:39.477 So, how did this happen? 00:02:39.501 --> 00:02:43.492 How have we come to associate love with great pain and suffering? 00:02:43.516 --> 00:02:47.505 And why do we talk about this ostensibly good experience 00:02:47.529 --> 00:02:49.633 as if we are victims? 00:02:50.556 --> 00:02:52.247 These are difficult questions, 00:02:52.271 --> 00:02:53.917 but I have some theories. 00:02:53.941 --> 00:02:55.180 And to think this through, 00:02:55.204 --> 00:02:57.832 I want to focus on one metaphor in particular, 00:02:57.856 --> 00:03:00.027 which is the idea of love as madness. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:01.088 --> 00:03:03.795 When I first started researching romantic love, 00:03:03.819 --> 00:03:06.580 I found these madness metaphors everywhere. 00:03:06.604 --> 00:03:08.707 The history of Western culture 00:03:08.731 --> 00:03:12.668 is full of language that equates love to mental illness. 00:03:13.440 --> 00:03:15.367 These are just a few examples. 00:03:15.391 --> 00:03:16.734 William Shakespeare: 00:03:16.758 --> 00:03:18.191 "Love is merely a madness," 00:03:18.215 --> 00:03:19.532 from "As You Like It." 00:03:20.092 --> 00:03:21.349 Friedrich Nietzsche: 00:03:21.373 --> 00:03:23.876 "There is always some madness in love." 00:03:24.559 --> 00:03:27.425 "Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love -- " NOTE Paragraph 00:03:27.449 --> 00:03:29.518 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:29.542 --> 00:03:32.140 from the great philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:32.164 --> 00:03:33.625 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:03:35.083 --> 00:03:37.917 I fell in love for the first time when I was 20, 00:03:37.941 --> 00:03:41.120 and it was a pretty turbulent relationship right from the start. 00:03:41.459 --> 00:03:44.664 And it was long distance for the first couple of years, 00:03:44.688 --> 00:03:49.284 so for me that meant very high highs and very low lows. 00:03:49.794 --> 00:03:51.998 I can remember one moment in particular. 00:03:52.580 --> 00:03:55.925 I was sitting on a bed in a hostel in South America, 00:03:55.949 --> 00:03:59.645 and I was watching the person I love walk out the door. 00:04:00.151 --> 00:04:01.764 And it was late, 00:04:01.788 --> 00:04:03.048 it was nearly midnight, 00:04:03.072 --> 00:04:05.049 we'd gotten into an argument over dinner, 00:04:05.073 --> 00:04:07.022 and when we got back to our room, 00:04:07.046 --> 00:04:09.771 he threw his things in the bag and stormed out. 00:04:11.141 --> 00:04:14.400 While I can no longer remember what that argument was about, 00:04:14.424 --> 00:04:18.479 I very clearly remember how I felt watching him leave. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:19.122 --> 00:04:22.667 I was 22, it was my first time in the developing world, 00:04:23.424 --> 00:04:25.679 and I was totally alone. 00:04:26.412 --> 00:04:29.779 I had another week until my flight home, 00:04:29.803 --> 00:04:32.171 and I knew the name of the town that I was in, 00:04:32.195 --> 00:04:35.778 and the name of the city that I needed to get to to fly out, 00:04:35.802 --> 00:04:39.058 but I had no idea how to get around. 00:04:39.842 --> 00:04:43.019 I had no guidebook and very little money, 00:04:43.043 --> 00:04:44.813 and I spoke no Spanish. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:45.547 --> 00:04:47.644 Someone more adventurous than me 00:04:47.668 --> 00:04:50.098 might have seen this as a moment of opportunity, 00:04:50.122 --> 00:04:51.952 but I just froze. 00:04:52.406 --> 00:04:54.223 I just sat there. 00:04:54.738 --> 00:04:56.781 And then I burst into tears. 00:04:57.357 --> 00:04:59.728 But despite my panic, 00:04:59.752 --> 00:05:02.322 some small voice in my head thought, 00:05:02.346 --> 00:05:04.683 "Wow. That was dramatic. 00:05:04.707 --> 00:05:07.406 I must really be doing this love thing right." NOTE Paragraph 00:05:07.430 --> 00:05:09.218 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:05:09.242 --> 00:05:13.762 Because some part of me wanted to feel miserable in love. 00:05:14.226 --> 00:05:17.666 And it sounds so strange to me now, but at 22, 00:05:17.690 --> 00:05:20.835 I longed to have dramatic experiences, 00:05:20.859 --> 00:05:26.057 and in that moment, I was irrational and furious and devastated, 00:05:26.081 --> 00:05:27.305 and weirdly enough, 00:05:27.329 --> 00:05:30.705 I thought that this somehow legitimized the feelings I had 00:05:30.729 --> 00:05:32.568 for the guy who had just left me. NOTE Paragraph 00:05:34.163 --> 00:05:38.526 I think on some level I wanted to feel a little bit crazy, 00:05:38.550 --> 00:05:42.082 because I thought that that was how loved worked. 00:05:43.141 --> 00:05:44.948 This really should not be surprising, 00:05:44.972 --> 00:05:47.426 considering that according to Wikipedia, 00:05:47.450 --> 00:05:49.723 there are eight films, 00:05:49.747 --> 00:05:51.744 14 songs, 00:05:51.768 --> 00:05:54.965 two albums and one novel with the title "Crazy Love." NOTE Paragraph 00:05:55.837 --> 00:05:58.963 About half an hour later, he came back to our room. 00:05:58.987 --> 00:06:00.138 We made up. 00:06:00.162 --> 00:06:02.979 We spent another mostly happy week traveling together. 00:06:03.003 --> 00:06:04.435 And then, when I got home, 00:06:04.459 --> 00:06:09.443 I thought, "That was so terrible and so great. 00:06:09.989 --> 00:06:11.704 This must be a real romance." 00:06:13.006 --> 00:06:15.706 I expected my first love to feel like madness, 00:06:15.730 --> 00:06:19.510 and of course, it met that expectation very well. 00:06:19.941 --> 00:06:21.632 But loving someone like that -- 00:06:21.656 --> 00:06:25.751 as if my entire well-being depended on him loving me back -- 00:06:25.775 --> 00:06:27.868 was not very good for me 00:06:27.892 --> 00:06:29.042 or for him. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:29.850 --> 00:06:33.551 But I suspect this experience of love is not that unusual. 00:06:34.026 --> 00:06:38.237 Most of us do feel a bit mad in the early stages of romantic love. 00:06:38.815 --> 00:06:42.631 In fact, there is research to confirm that this is somewhat normal, 00:06:43.280 --> 00:06:45.166 because, neurochemically speaking, 00:06:45.190 --> 00:06:49.752 romantic love and mental illness are not that easily distinguished. 00:06:51.046 --> 00:06:52.197 This is true. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:52.221 --> 00:06:56.780 This study from 1999 used blood tests 00:06:56.804 --> 00:06:59.898 to confirm that the serotonin levels of the newly in love 00:06:59.922 --> 00:07:02.719 very closely resembled the serotonin levels 00:07:02.743 --> 00:07:06.048 of people who had been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:06.072 --> 00:07:07.080 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:07:07.104 --> 00:07:09.801 Yes, and low levels of serotonin 00:07:09.825 --> 00:07:13.427 are also associated with seasonal affective disorder 00:07:13.451 --> 00:07:14.731 and depression. 00:07:15.687 --> 00:07:17.947 So there is some evidence 00:07:17.971 --> 00:07:22.319 that love is associated with changes to our moods and our behaviors. 00:07:22.343 --> 00:07:26.350 And there are other studies to confirm 00:07:26.374 --> 00:07:30.064 that most relationships begin this way. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:30.660 --> 00:07:34.823 Researchers believe that the low levels of serotonin 00:07:34.847 --> 00:07:38.882 is correlated with obsessive thinking about the object of love, 00:07:38.906 --> 00:07:42.964 which is like this feeling that someone has set up camp in your brain. 00:07:42.988 --> 00:07:45.919 And most of us feel this way when we first fall in love. 00:07:45.943 --> 00:07:49.069 But the good news is, it doesn't always last that long -- 00:07:49.093 --> 00:07:52.266 usually from a few months to a couple of years. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:53.352 --> 00:07:56.160 When I got back from my trip to South America, 00:07:56.184 --> 00:07:59.761 I spent a lot of time alone in my room, 00:07:59.785 --> 00:08:01.125 checking my email, 00:08:01.149 --> 00:08:03.512 desperate to hear from the guy I loved. 00:08:04.545 --> 00:08:09.893 I decided that if my friends could not understand my grievous affliction, 00:08:09.917 --> 00:08:11.866 then I did not need their friendship. 00:08:11.890 --> 00:08:13.973 So I stopped hanging out with most of them. 00:08:14.387 --> 00:08:18.581 And it was probably the most unhappy year of my life. 00:08:19.086 --> 00:08:23.200 But I think I felt like it was my job to be miserable, 00:08:23.849 --> 00:08:25.641 because if I could be miserable, 00:08:25.665 --> 00:08:28.332 then I would prove how much I loved him. 00:08:28.356 --> 00:08:30.241 And if I could prove it, 00:08:30.265 --> 00:08:33.219 then we would have to end up together eventually. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:34.050 --> 00:08:36.138 This is the real madness, 00:08:36.162 --> 00:08:38.557 because there is no cosmic rule 00:08:38.581 --> 00:08:41.943 that says that great suffering equals great reward, 00:08:42.478 --> 00:08:46.382 but we talk about love as if this is true. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:47.463 --> 00:08:51.139 Our experiences of love are both biological and cultural. 00:08:51.774 --> 00:08:54.233 Our biology tells us that love is good 00:08:54.257 --> 00:08:57.411 by activating these reward circuits in our brain, 00:08:57.435 --> 00:09:02.055 and it tells us that love is painful when, after a fight or a breakup, 00:09:02.079 --> 00:09:04.689 that neurochemical reward is withdrawn. 00:09:05.155 --> 00:09:07.597 And in fact -- and maybe you've heard this -- 00:09:07.621 --> 00:09:09.465 neurochemically speaking, 00:09:09.489 --> 00:09:12.923 going through a breakup is a lot like going through cocaine withdrawal, 00:09:13.675 --> 00:09:15.311 which I find reassuring. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:15.335 --> 00:09:16.485 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:09:17.066 --> 00:09:19.898 And then our culture uses language 00:09:19.922 --> 00:09:22.703 to shape and reinforce these ideas about love. 00:09:22.727 --> 00:09:25.351 In this case, we're talking about metaphors about pain 00:09:25.375 --> 00:09:26.890 and addiction and madness. 00:09:27.826 --> 00:09:30.270 It's kind of an interesting feedback loop. 00:09:30.294 --> 00:09:33.811 Love is powerful and at times painful, 00:09:33.835 --> 00:09:36.600 and we express this in our words and stories, 00:09:37.182 --> 00:09:39.680 but then our words and stories prime us 00:09:39.704 --> 00:09:43.166 to expect love to be powerful and painful. NOTE Paragraph 00:09:43.955 --> 00:09:47.128 What's interesting to me is that all of this happens 00:09:47.152 --> 00:09:49.875 in a culture that values lifelong monogamy. 00:09:50.658 --> 00:09:52.719 It seems like we want it both ways: 00:09:52.743 --> 00:09:55.094 we want love to feel like madness, 00:09:55.718 --> 00:09:58.864 and we want it to last an entire lifetime. 00:09:59.561 --> 00:10:01.124 That sounds terrible. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:01.148 --> 00:10:02.677 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:10:03.853 --> 00:10:05.449 To reconcile this, 00:10:05.473 --> 00:10:10.498 we need to either change our culture or change our expectations. 00:10:11.408 --> 00:10:15.001 So, imagine if we were all less passive in love. 00:10:15.642 --> 00:10:19.788 If we were more assertive, more open-mined, more generous 00:10:19.812 --> 00:10:23.113 and instead of falling in love, 00:10:23.137 --> 00:10:25.362 we stepped into love. 00:10:26.223 --> 00:10:28.152 I know that this is asking a lot, 00:10:28.176 --> 00:10:31.650 but I'm not actually the first person to suggest this. 00:10:33.012 --> 00:10:35.521 In their book, "Metaphors We Live By," 00:10:35.545 --> 00:10:40.659 linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution 00:10:40.683 --> 00:10:41.901 to this dilemma, 00:10:42.491 --> 00:10:44.907 which is to change our metaphors. 00:10:45.795 --> 00:10:50.212 They argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world, 00:10:51.071 --> 00:10:54.569 and that they can even act as a guide for future actions, 00:10:54.593 --> 00:10:56.481 like self-fulfilling prophecies. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:57.489 --> 00:11:01.045 Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love: 00:11:01.977 --> 00:11:04.091 love as a collaborative work of art. 00:11:04.872 --> 00:11:07.922 I really like this way of thinking about love. 00:11:09.028 --> 00:11:12.550 Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments, 00:11:12.574 --> 00:11:16.370 which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of, 00:11:16.394 --> 00:11:19.326 or ideas contained within, a given metaphor. 00:11:19.350 --> 00:11:22.259 And Johnson and Lakoff talk about everything 00:11:22.283 --> 00:11:24.435 that collaborating on a work of art entails: 00:11:24.976 --> 00:11:29.131 effort, compromise, patience, shared goals. 00:11:29.655 --> 00:11:33.485 These ideas align nicely with our cultural investment 00:11:33.509 --> 00:11:35.582 in long-term romantic commitment, 00:11:35.606 --> 00:11:39.217 but they also work well for other kinds of relationships -- 00:11:40.020 --> 00:11:45.676 short-term, casual, polyamorous, non-monogamous, asexual -- 00:11:45.700 --> 00:11:49.585 because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas 00:11:49.609 --> 00:11:51.649 to the experience of loving someone. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:52.670 --> 00:11:57.064 So if love is a collaborative work of art, 00:11:57.088 --> 00:12:00.500 then love is an aesthetic experience. 00:12:01.524 --> 00:12:03.419 Love is unpredictable, 00:12:04.153 --> 00:12:06.177 love is creative, 00:12:06.898 --> 00:12:11.031 love requires communication and discipline, 00:12:11.055 --> 00:12:14.244 it is frustrating and emotionally demanding. 00:12:14.677 --> 00:12:18.027 And love involves both joy and pain. 00:12:18.742 --> 00:12:22.361 Ultimately, each experience of love is different. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:23.759 --> 00:12:25.386 When I was younger, 00:12:25.410 --> 00:12:30.078 it never occurred to me that I was allowed to demand more from love, 00:12:30.102 --> 00:12:33.795 that I didn't have to just accept whatever love offered. 00:12:34.775 --> 00:12:38.104 When 14-year-old Juliet first meets -- 00:12:38.128 --> 00:12:42.053 or, when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo, 00:12:42.077 --> 00:12:44.714 whom she has met four days ago, 00:12:44.738 --> 00:12:48.548 she does not feel disappointed or angsty. 00:12:49.022 --> 00:12:50.379 Where is she? 00:12:50.403 --> 00:12:51.697 She wants to die. 00:12:52.236 --> 00:12:53.387 Right? 00:12:53.411 --> 00:12:55.880 And just as a refresher, at this point in the play, 00:12:55.904 --> 00:12:57.212 act three of five, 00:12:57.236 --> 00:12:59.057 Romeo is not dead. 00:12:59.641 --> 00:13:00.981 He's alive, 00:13:01.005 --> 00:13:02.393 he's healthy, 00:13:02.417 --> 00:13:04.611 he's just been banished from the city. 00:13:05.853 --> 00:13:11.854 I understand that 16th-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America, 00:13:11.878 --> 00:13:14.856 and yet when I first read this play, 00:13:14.880 --> 00:13:17.273 also at age 14, 00:13:17.297 --> 00:13:19.980 Juliet's suffering made sense to me. NOTE Paragraph 00:13:21.295 --> 00:13:26.652 Reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire, 00:13:26.676 --> 00:13:29.120 rather than something that just happens to me 00:13:29.144 --> 00:13:31.666 without my control or consent, 00:13:31.690 --> 00:13:33.295 is empowering. 00:13:33.779 --> 00:13:35.397 It's still hard. 00:13:35.421 --> 00:13:40.953 Love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days, 00:13:40.977 --> 00:13:43.092 and when I feel really frustrated, 00:13:43.116 --> 00:13:44.446 I have to remind myself: 00:13:44.995 --> 00:13:48.339 my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner 00:13:48.363 --> 00:13:50.414 about what I want to make together. 00:13:51.923 --> 00:13:54.257 This isn't easy, either. 00:13:54.756 --> 00:13:58.203 But it's just so much better than the alternative, 00:13:58.672 --> 00:14:01.449 which is that thing that feels like madness. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:02.839 --> 00:14:08.196 This version of love is not about winning or losing someone's affection. 00:14:08.761 --> 00:14:12.359 Instead, it requires that you trust your partner 00:14:12.383 --> 00:14:15.457 and talk about things when trusting feels difficult, 00:14:15.481 --> 00:14:17.927 which sounds so simple, 00:14:17.951 --> 00:14:22.447 but is actually a kind of revolutionary, radical act. 00:14:23.062 --> 00:14:26.326 This is because you get to stop thinking about yourself 00:14:27.230 --> 00:14:30.371 and what you're gaining or losing in your relationship, 00:14:30.395 --> 00:14:33.792 and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer. 00:14:34.811 --> 00:14:38.216 This version of love allows us to say things like, 00:14:38.240 --> 00:14:43.070 "Hey, we're not very good collaborators. Maybe this isn't for us." 00:14:43.733 --> 00:14:47.594 Or, "That relationship was shorter than I had planned, 00:14:47.618 --> 00:14:49.790 but it was still kind of beautiful." NOTE Paragraph 00:14:50.836 --> 00:14:53.626 The beautiful thing about the collaborative work of art 00:14:53.650 --> 00:14:56.541 is that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself. 00:14:57.098 --> 00:15:01.009 This version of love allows us to decide what it looks like. NOTE Paragraph 00:15:01.033 --> 00:15:02.184 Thank you. NOTE Paragraph 00:15:02.208 --> 00:15:04.231 (Applause)