0:00:00.553,0:00:04.853
OK, so today I want to talk[br]about how we talk about love.

0:00:05.237,0:00:06.387
And specifically,

0:00:06.411,0:00:09.846
I want to talk about what's wrong[br]with how we talk about love.

0:00:10.673,0:00:14.080
Most of us will probably[br]fall in love a few times

0:00:14.104,0:00:15.569
over the course of our lives,

0:00:15.593,0:00:19.803
and in the English language,[br]this metaphor, falling,

0:00:19.827,0:00:22.841
is really the main way that we[br]talk about that experience.

0:00:23.592,0:00:24.743
I don't know about you,

0:00:24.767,0:00:26.694
but when I conceptualize this metaphor,

0:00:26.718,0:00:29.596
what I picture is straight[br]out of a cartoon --

0:00:30.076,0:00:31.372
like there's a man,

0:00:31.396,0:00:33.113
he's walking down the sidewalk,

0:00:33.137,0:00:36.249
without realizing it, he crosses[br]over an open manhole,

0:00:36.273,0:00:39.934
and he just plummets into the sewer below.

0:00:39.958,0:00:44.038
And I picture it this way[br]because falling is not jumping.

0:00:44.769,0:00:46.801
Falling is accidental,

0:00:46.825,0:00:48.727
it's uncontrollable.

0:00:48.751,0:00:52.276
It's something that happens to us[br]without our consent.

0:00:52.300,0:00:53.493
And this --

0:00:53.517,0:00:57.084
this is the main way we talk[br]about starting a new relationship.

0:00:58.336,0:01:02.103
I am a writer and I'm also[br]an English teacher,

0:01:02.127,0:01:04.412
which means I think[br]about words for a living.

0:01:04.436,0:01:08.586
You could say that I get paid[br]to argue that the language we use matters,

0:01:08.610,0:01:12.810
and I would like to argue[br]that many of the metaphors we use

0:01:12.834,0:01:14.401
to talk about love --

0:01:14.425,0:01:16.248
maybe even most of them --

0:01:16.272,0:01:17.673
are a problem.

0:01:18.700,0:01:20.593
So, in love, we fall.

0:01:21.766,0:01:23.231
We're struck.

0:01:23.255,0:01:24.651
We are crushed.

0:01:25.331,0:01:26.701
We swoon.

0:01:27.186,0:01:28.983
We burn with passion.

0:01:29.738,0:01:31.715
Love makes us crazy,

0:01:31.739,0:01:33.303
and it makes us sick.

0:01:33.796,0:01:35.156
Our hearts ache,

0:01:35.180,0:01:37.186
and then they break.

0:01:38.226,0:01:41.370
So our metaphors equate[br]the experience of loving someone

0:01:41.394,0:01:44.047
to extreme violence or illness.

0:01:44.071,0:01:46.156
(Laughter)

0:01:47.101,0:01:48.252
They do.

0:01:48.276,0:01:50.259
And they position us as the victims

0:01:50.283,0:01:53.642
of unforeseen and totally[br]unavoidable circumstances.

0:01:54.547,0:01:57.270
My favorite one of these is "smitten,"

0:01:57.294,0:02:00.148
which is the past participle[br]of the word "smite."

0:02:00.172,0:02:03.240
And if you look this word up[br]in the dictionary --

0:02:03.264,0:02:04.288
(Laughter)

0:02:04.312,0:02:08.830
you will see that it can be defined[br]as both "grievous affliction,"

0:02:08.854,0:02:11.705
and, "to be very much in love."

0:02:13.716,0:02:17.060
I tend to associate the word "smite"[br]with a very particular context,

0:02:17.084,0:02:18.648
which is the Old Testament.

0:02:19.560,0:02:24.308
In the Book of Exodus alone,[br]there are 16 references to smiting,

0:02:24.332,0:02:28.105
which is the word that the Bible uses[br]for the vengeance of an angry God.

0:02:28.129,0:02:29.850
(Laughter)

0:02:29.874,0:02:32.579
Here we are using the same word[br]to talk about love

0:02:32.603,0:02:35.029
that we use to explain[br]a plague of locusts.

0:02:35.053,0:02:36.081
(Laughter)

0:02:36.105,0:02:37.361
Right?

0:02:37.385,0:02:39.477
So, how did this happen?

0:02:39.501,0:02:43.492
How have we come to associate love[br]with great pain and suffering?

0:02:43.516,0:02:47.505
And why do we talk about[br]this ostensibly good experience

0:02:47.529,0:02:49.633
as if we are victims?

0:02:50.556,0:02:52.247
These are difficult questions,

0:02:52.271,0:02:53.917
but I have some theories.

0:02:53.941,0:02:55.180
And to think this through,

0:02:55.204,0:02:57.832
I want to focus on one[br]metaphor in particular,

0:02:57.856,0:03:00.027
which is the idea of love as madness.

0:03:01.088,0:03:03.795
When I first started[br]researching romantic love,

0:03:03.819,0:03:06.580
I found these madness[br]metaphors everywhere.

0:03:06.604,0:03:08.707
The history of Western culture

0:03:08.731,0:03:12.668
is full of language that equates[br]love to mental illness.

0:03:13.440,0:03:15.367
These are just a few examples.

0:03:15.391,0:03:16.734
William Shakespeare:

0:03:16.758,0:03:18.191
"Love is merely a madness,"

0:03:18.215,0:03:19.532
from "As You Like It."

0:03:20.092,0:03:21.349
Friedrich Nietzsche:

0:03:21.373,0:03:23.876
"There is always some madness in love."

0:03:24.559,0:03:27.425
"Got me looking, got me looking[br]so crazy in love -- "

0:03:27.449,0:03:29.518
(Laughter)

0:03:29.542,0:03:32.140
from the great philosopher,[br]Beyoncé Knowles.

0:03:32.164,0:03:33.625
(Laughter)

0:03:35.083,0:03:37.917
I fell in love for the first[br]time when I was 20,

0:03:37.941,0:03:41.120
and it was a pretty turbulent[br]relationship right from the start.

0:03:41.459,0:03:44.664
And it was long distance[br]for the first couple of years,

0:03:44.688,0:03:49.284
so for me that meant very high highs[br]and very low lows.

0:03:49.794,0:03:51.998
I can remember one moment in particular.

0:03:52.580,0:03:55.925
I was sitting on a bed[br]in a hostel in South America,

0:03:55.949,0:03:59.645
and I was watching the person[br]I love walk out the door.

0:04:00.151,0:04:01.764
And it was late,

0:04:01.788,0:04:03.048
it was nearly midnight,

0:04:03.072,0:04:05.049
we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,

0:04:05.073,0:04:07.022
and when we got back to our room,

0:04:07.046,0:04:09.771
he threw his things in the bag[br]and stormed out.

0:04:11.141,0:04:14.400
While I can no longer remember[br]what that argument was about,

0:04:14.424,0:04:18.479
I very clearly remember[br]how I felt watching him leave.

0:04:19.122,0:04:22.667
I was 22, it was my first time[br]in the developing world,

0:04:23.424,0:04:25.679
and I was totally alone.

0:04:26.412,0:04:29.779
I had another week until my flight home,

0:04:29.803,0:04:32.171
and I knew the name[br]of the town that I was in,

0:04:32.195,0:04:35.778
and the name of the city[br]that I needed to get to to fly out,

0:04:35.802,0:04:39.058
but I had no idea how to get around.

0:04:39.842,0:04:43.019
I had no guidebook and very little money,

0:04:43.043,0:04:44.813
and I spoke no Spanish.

0:04:45.547,0:04:47.644
Someone more adventurous than me

0:04:47.668,0:04:50.098
might have seen this as[br]a moment of opportunity,

0:04:50.122,0:04:51.952
but I just froze.

0:04:52.406,0:04:54.223
I just sat there.

0:04:54.738,0:04:56.781
And then I burst into tears.

0:04:57.357,0:04:59.728
But despite my panic,

0:04:59.752,0:05:02.322
some small voice in my head thought,

0:05:02.346,0:05:04.683
"Wow. That was dramatic.

0:05:04.707,0:05:07.406
I must really be doing[br]this love thing right."

0:05:07.430,0:05:09.218
(Laughter)

0:05:09.242,0:05:13.762
Because some part of me[br]wanted to feel miserable in love.

0:05:14.226,0:05:17.666
And it sounds so strange[br]to me now, but at 22,

0:05:17.690,0:05:20.835
I longed to have dramatic experiences,

0:05:20.859,0:05:26.057
and in that moment, I was irrational[br]and furious and devastated,

0:05:26.081,0:05:27.305
and weirdly enough,

0:05:27.329,0:05:30.705
I thought that this somehow[br]legitimized the feelings I had

0:05:30.729,0:05:32.568
for the guy who had just left me.

0:05:34.163,0:05:38.526
I think on some level I wanted[br]to feel a little bit crazy,

0:05:38.550,0:05:42.082
because I thought that[br]that was how loved worked.

0:05:43.141,0:05:44.948
This really should not be surprising,

0:05:44.972,0:05:47.426
considering that according to Wikipedia,

0:05:47.450,0:05:49.723
there are eight films,

0:05:49.747,0:05:51.744
14 songs,

0:05:51.768,0:05:54.965
two albums and one novel[br]with the title "Crazy Love."

0:05:55.837,0:05:58.963
About half an hour later,[br]he came back to our room.

0:05:58.987,0:06:00.138
We made up.

0:06:00.162,0:06:02.979
We spent another mostly[br]happy week traveling together.

0:06:03.003,0:06:04.435
And then, when I got home,

0:06:04.459,0:06:09.443
I thought, "That was so[br]terrible and so great.

0:06:09.989,0:06:11.704
This must be a real romance."

0:06:13.006,0:06:15.706
I expected my first love[br]to feel like madness,

0:06:15.730,0:06:19.510
and of course, it met[br]that expectation very well.

0:06:19.941,0:06:21.632
But loving someone like that --

0:06:21.656,0:06:25.751
as if my entire well-being depended[br]on him loving me back --

0:06:25.775,0:06:27.868
was not very good for me

0:06:27.892,0:06:29.042
or for him.

0:06:29.850,0:06:33.551
But I suspect this experience of love[br]is not that unusual.

0:06:34.026,0:06:38.237
Most of us do feel a bit mad[br]in the early stages of romantic love.

0:06:38.815,0:06:42.631
In fact, there is research to confirm[br]that this is somewhat normal,

0:06:43.280,0:06:45.166
because, neurochemically speaking,

0:06:45.190,0:06:49.752
romantic love and mental illness[br]are not that easily distinguished.

0:06:51.046,0:06:52.197
This is true.

0:06:52.221,0:06:56.780
This study from 1999 used blood tests

0:06:56.804,0:06:59.898
to confirm that the serotonin[br]levels of the newly in love

0:06:59.922,0:07:02.719
very closely resembled[br]the serotonin levels

0:07:02.743,0:07:06.048
of people who had been diagnosed[br]with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

0:07:06.072,0:07:07.080
(Laughter)

0:07:07.104,0:07:09.801
Yes, and low levels of serotonin

0:07:09.825,0:07:13.427
are also associated[br]with seasonal affective disorder

0:07:13.451,0:07:14.731
and depression.

0:07:15.687,0:07:17.947
So there is some evidence

0:07:17.971,0:07:22.319
that love is associated with changes[br]to our moods and our behaviors.

0:07:22.343,0:07:26.350
And there are other studies to confirm

0:07:26.374,0:07:30.064
that most relationships begin this way.

0:07:30.660,0:07:34.823
Researchers believe[br]that the low levels of serotonin

0:07:34.847,0:07:38.882
is correlated with obsessive thinking[br]about the object of love,

0:07:38.906,0:07:42.964
which is like this feeling that someone[br]has set up camp in your brain.

0:07:42.988,0:07:45.919
And most of us feel this way[br]when we first fall in love.

0:07:45.943,0:07:49.069
But the good news is,[br]it doesn't always last that long --

0:07:49.093,0:07:52.266
usually from a few months[br]to a couple of years.

0:07:53.352,0:07:56.160
When I got back from my trip[br]to South America,

0:07:56.184,0:07:59.761
I spent a lot of time alone in my room,

0:07:59.785,0:08:01.125
checking my email,

0:08:01.149,0:08:03.512
desperate to hear from the guy I loved.

0:08:04.545,0:08:09.893
I decided that if my friends could not[br]understand my grievous affliction,

0:08:09.917,0:08:11.866
then I did not need their friendship.

0:08:11.890,0:08:13.973
So I stopped hanging out[br]with most of them.

0:08:14.387,0:08:18.581
And it was probably the most[br]unhappy year of my life.

0:08:19.086,0:08:23.200
But I think I felt like[br]it was my job to be miserable,

0:08:23.849,0:08:25.641
because if I could be miserable,

0:08:25.665,0:08:28.332
then I would prove how much I loved him.

0:08:28.356,0:08:30.241
And if I could prove it,

0:08:30.265,0:08:33.219
then we would have to end up[br]together eventually.

0:08:34.050,0:08:36.138
This is the real madness,

0:08:36.162,0:08:38.557
because there is no cosmic rule

0:08:38.581,0:08:41.943
that says that great suffering[br]equals great reward,

0:08:42.478,0:08:46.382
but we talk about love as if this is true.

0:08:47.463,0:08:51.139
Our experiences of love[br]are both biological and cultural.

0:08:51.774,0:08:54.233
Our biology tells us that love is good

0:08:54.257,0:08:57.411
by activating these reward[br]circuits in our brain,

0:08:57.435,0:09:02.055
and it tells us that love is painful[br]when, after a fight or a breakup,

0:09:02.079,0:09:04.689
that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.

0:09:05.155,0:09:07.597
And in fact -- and maybe[br]you've heard this --

0:09:07.621,0:09:09.465
neurochemically speaking,

0:09:09.489,0:09:12.923
going through a breakup is a lot[br]like going through cocaine withdrawal,

0:09:13.675,0:09:15.311
which I find reassuring.

0:09:15.335,0:09:16.485
(Laughter)

0:09:17.066,0:09:19.898
And then our culture uses language

0:09:19.922,0:09:22.703
to shape and reinforce[br]these ideas about love.

0:09:22.727,0:09:25.351
In this case, we're talking[br]about metaphors about pain

0:09:25.375,0:09:26.890
and addiction and madness.

0:09:27.826,0:09:30.270
It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.

0:09:30.294,0:09:33.811
Love is powerful and at times painful,

0:09:33.835,0:09:36.600
and we express this[br]in our words and stories,

0:09:37.182,0:09:39.680
but then our words and stories prime us

0:09:39.704,0:09:43.166
to expect love to be powerful and painful.

0:09:43.955,0:09:47.128
What's interesting to me[br]is that all of this happens

0:09:47.152,0:09:49.875
in a culture that values[br]lifelong monogamy.

0:09:50.658,0:09:52.719
It seems like we want it both ways:

0:09:52.743,0:09:55.094
we want love to feel like madness,

0:09:55.718,0:09:58.864
and we want it to last an entire lifetime.

0:09:59.561,0:10:01.124
That sounds terrible.

0:10:01.148,0:10:02.677
(Laughter)

0:10:03.853,0:10:05.449
To reconcile this,

0:10:05.473,0:10:10.498
we need to either change our culture[br]or change our expectations.

0:10:11.408,0:10:15.001
So, imagine if we were all[br]less passive in love.

0:10:15.642,0:10:19.788
If we were more assertive,[br]more open-mined, more generous

0:10:19.812,0:10:23.113
and instead of falling in love,

0:10:23.137,0:10:25.362
we stepped into love.

0:10:26.223,0:10:28.152
I know that this is asking a lot,

0:10:28.176,0:10:31.650
but I'm not actually[br]the first person to suggest this.

0:10:33.012,0:10:35.521
In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"

0:10:35.545,0:10:40.659
linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff[br]suggest a really interesting solution

0:10:40.683,0:10:41.901
to this dilemma,

0:10:42.491,0:10:44.907
which is to change our metaphors.

0:10:45.795,0:10:50.212
They argue that metaphors really do shape[br]the way we experience the world,

0:10:51.071,0:10:54.569
and that they can even act[br]as a guide for future actions,

0:10:54.593,0:10:56.481
like self-fulfilling prophecies.

0:10:57.489,0:11:01.045
Johnson and Lakoff suggest[br]a new metaphor for love:

0:11:01.977,0:11:04.091
love as a collaborative work of art.

0:11:04.872,0:11:07.922
I really like this way[br]of thinking about love.

0:11:09.028,0:11:12.550
Linguists talk about metaphors[br]as having entailments,

0:11:12.574,0:11:16.370
which is essentially a way of considering[br]all the implications of,

0:11:16.394,0:11:19.326
or ideas contained[br]within, a given metaphor.

0:11:19.350,0:11:22.259
And Johnson and Lakoff[br]talk about everything

0:11:22.283,0:11:24.435
that collaborating[br]on a work of art entails:

0:11:24.976,0:11:29.131
effort, compromise,[br]patience, shared goals.

0:11:29.655,0:11:33.485
These ideas align nicely[br]with our cultural investment

0:11:33.509,0:11:35.582
in long-term romantic commitment,

0:11:35.606,0:11:39.217
but they also work well[br]for other kinds of relationships --

0:11:40.020,0:11:45.676
short-term, casual, polyamorous,[br]non-monogamous, asexual --

0:11:45.700,0:11:49.585
because this metaphor brings[br]much more complex ideas

0:11:49.609,0:11:51.649
to the experience of loving someone.

0:11:52.670,0:11:57.064
So if love is a collaborative work of art,

0:11:57.088,0:12:00.500
then love is an aesthetic experience.

0:12:01.524,0:12:03.419
Love is unpredictable,

0:12:04.153,0:12:06.177
love is creative,

0:12:06.898,0:12:11.031
love requires communication[br]and discipline,

0:12:11.055,0:12:14.244
it is frustrating[br]and emotionally demanding.

0:12:14.677,0:12:18.027
And love involves both joy and pain.

0:12:18.742,0:12:22.361
Ultimately, each experience[br]of love is different.

0:12:23.759,0:12:25.386
When I was younger,

0:12:25.410,0:12:30.078
it never occurred to me that I was allowed[br]to demand more from love,

0:12:30.102,0:12:33.795
that I didn't have to just accept[br]whatever love offered.

0:12:34.775,0:12:38.104
When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --

0:12:38.128,0:12:42.053
or, when 14-year-old Juliet[br]cannot be with Romeo,

0:12:42.077,0:12:44.714
whom she has met four days ago,

0:12:44.738,0:12:48.548
she does not feel disappointed or angsty.

0:12:49.022,0:12:50.379
Where is she?

0:12:50.403,0:12:51.697
She wants to die.

0:12:52.236,0:12:53.387
Right?

0:12:53.411,0:12:55.880
And just as a refresher,[br]at this point in the play,

0:12:55.904,0:12:57.212
act three of five,

0:12:57.236,0:12:59.057
Romeo is not dead.

0:12:59.641,0:13:00.981
He's alive,

0:13:01.005,0:13:02.393
he's healthy,

0:13:02.417,0:13:04.611
he's just been banished from the city.

0:13:05.853,0:13:11.854
I understand that 16th-century Verona[br]is unlike contemporary North America,

0:13:11.878,0:13:14.856
and yet when I first read this play,

0:13:14.880,0:13:17.273
also at age 14,

0:13:17.297,0:13:19.980
Juliet's suffering made sense to me.

0:13:21.295,0:13:26.652
Reframing love as something[br]I get to create with someone I admire,

0:13:26.676,0:13:29.120
rather than something[br]that just happens to me

0:13:29.144,0:13:31.666
without my control or consent,

0:13:31.690,0:13:33.295
is empowering.

0:13:33.779,0:13:35.397
It's still hard.

0:13:35.421,0:13:40.953
Love still feels totally maddening[br]and crushing some days,

0:13:40.977,0:13:43.092
and when I feel really frustrated,

0:13:43.116,0:13:44.446
I have to remind myself:

0:13:44.995,0:13:48.339
my job in this relationship[br]is to talk to my partner

0:13:48.363,0:13:50.414
about what I want to make together.

0:13:51.923,0:13:54.257
This isn't easy, either.

0:13:54.756,0:13:58.203
But it's just so much better[br]than the alternative,

0:13:58.672,0:14:01.449
which is that thing[br]that feels like madness.

0:14:02.839,0:14:08.196
This version of love is not about winning[br]or losing someone's affection.

0:14:08.761,0:14:12.359
Instead, it requires[br]that you trust your partner

0:14:12.383,0:14:15.457
and talk about things[br]when trusting feels difficult,

0:14:15.481,0:14:17.927
which sounds so simple,

0:14:17.951,0:14:22.447
but is actually a kind[br]of revolutionary, radical act.

0:14:23.062,0:14:26.326
This is because you get to stop[br]thinking about yourself

0:14:27.230,0:14:30.371
and what you're gaining[br]or losing in your relationship,

0:14:30.395,0:14:33.792
and you get to start thinking[br]about what you have to offer.

0:14:34.811,0:14:38.216
This version of love[br]allows us to say things like,

0:14:38.240,0:14:43.070
"Hey, we're not very good collaborators.[br]Maybe this isn't for us."

0:14:43.733,0:14:47.594
Or, "That relationship[br]was shorter than I had planned,

0:14:47.618,0:14:49.790
but it was still kind of beautiful."

0:14:50.836,0:14:53.626
The beautiful thing[br]about the collaborative work of art

0:14:53.650,0:14:56.541
is that it will not paint[br]or draw or sculpt itself.

0:14:57.098,0:15:01.009
This version of love allows us[br]to decide what it looks like.

0:15:01.033,0:15:02.184
Thank you.

0:15:02.208,0:15:04.231
(Applause)