[Script Info] Title: [Events] Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.55,0:00:04.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, so today I want to talk\Nabout how we talk about love. Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.24,0:00:06.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And specifically, Dialogue: 0,0:00:06.41,0:00:09.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to talk about what's wrong\Nwith how we talk about love. Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.67,0:00:14.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of us will probably\Nfall in love a few times Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.10,0:00:15.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over the course of our lives, Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.59,0:00:19.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in the English language,\Nthis metaphor, falling, Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.83,0:00:22.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is really the main way that we\Ntalk about that experience. Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.59,0:00:24.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't know about you, Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.77,0:00:26.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but when I conceptualize this metaphor, Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.72,0:00:29.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what I picture is straight\Nout of a cartoon -- Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.08,0:00:31.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like there's a man, Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.40,0:00:33.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's walking down the sidewalk, Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.14,0:00:36.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without realizing it, he crosses\Nover an open manhole, Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.27,0:00:39.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he just plummets into the sewer below. Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.96,0:00:44.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I picture it this way\Nbecause falling is not jumping. Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.77,0:00:46.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Falling is accidental, Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.82,0:00:48.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's uncontrollable. Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.75,0:00:52.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's something that happens to us\Nwithout our consent. Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.30,0:00:53.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this -- Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.52,0:00:57.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is the main way we talk\Nabout starting a new relationship. Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.34,0:01:02.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am a writer and I'm also\Nan English teacher, Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.13,0:01:04.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which means I think\Nabout words for a living. Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.44,0:01:08.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You could say that I get paid\Nto argue that the language we use matters, Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.61,0:01:12.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would like to argue\Nthat many of the metaphors we use Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.83,0:01:14.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to talk about love -- Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.42,0:01:16.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,maybe even most of them -- Dialogue: 0,0:01:16.27,0:01:17.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are a problem. Dialogue: 0,0:01:18.70,0:01:20.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, in love we fall. Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.77,0:01:23.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're struck. Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.26,0:01:24.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are crushed. Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.33,0:01:26.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We swoon. Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.19,0:01:28.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We burn with passion. Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.74,0:01:31.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love makes us crazy, Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.74,0:01:33.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it makes us sick. Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.80,0:01:35.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our hearts ache, Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.18,0:01:37.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then they break. Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.23,0:01:41.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So our metaphors equate\Nthe experience of loving someone Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.39,0:01:44.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to extreme violence or illness. Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.07,0:01:46.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.10,0:01:48.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They do. Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.28,0:01:50.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they position us as the victims Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.28,0:01:53.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of unforeseen and totally\Nunavoidable circumstances. Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.55,0:01:57.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My favorite one of these is "smitten," Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.29,0:02:00.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the past participle\Nof the word "smite." Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.17,0:02:03.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if you look this word up\Nin the dictionary -- Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.26,0:02:04.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.31,0:02:08.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you will see that it can be defined\Nas both "grievous affliction," Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.85,0:02:11.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and, "to be very much in love." Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.72,0:02:17.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I tend to associate the word "smite"\Nwith a very particular context, Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.08,0:02:18.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the Old Testament. Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.56,0:02:24.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the Book of Exodus alone,\Nthere are 16 references to smiting, Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.33,0:02:28.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the word that the Bible uses\Nfor the vengeance of an angry God. Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.13,0:02:29.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.87,0:02:32.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here we are using the same word\Nto talk about love Dialogue: 0,0:02:32.60,0:02:35.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we use to explain\Na plague of locusts. Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.05,0:02:36.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.10,0:02:37.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right? Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.38,0:02:39.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, how did this happen? Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.50,0:02:43.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How have we come to associate love\Nwith great pain and suffering? Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.52,0:02:47.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why do we talk about\Nthis ostensibly good experience Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.53,0:02:49.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if we are victims? Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.56,0:02:52.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are difficult questions, Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.27,0:02:53.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I have some theories. Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.94,0:02:55.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And to think this through, Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.20,0:02:57.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to focus on one\Nmetaphor in particular, Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.86,0:03:00.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is the idea of love as madness. Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.09,0:03:03.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I first started\Nresearching romantic love, Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.82,0:03:06.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I found these madness\Nmetaphors everywhere. Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.60,0:03:08.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The history of Western culture Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.73,0:03:12.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is full of language that equates\Nlove to mental illness. Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.44,0:03:15.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are just a few examples. Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.39,0:03:16.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,William Shakespeare: Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.76,0:03:18.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Love is merely a madness," Dialogue: 0,0:03:18.22,0:03:19.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from "As You Like It." Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.09,0:03:21.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Friedrich Nietzsche: Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.37,0:03:23.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"There is always some madness in love." Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.56,0:03:27.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Got me looking, got me looking\Nso crazy in love -- " Dialogue: 0,0:03:27.45,0:03:29.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.54,0:03:32.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the great philosopher,\NBeyoncé Knowles. Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.16,0:03:33.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.08,0:03:37.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I fell in love for the first\Ntime when I was 20, Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.94,0:03:41.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was a pretty turbulent\Nrelationship right from the start. Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.46,0:03:44.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was long distance\Nfor the first couple of years, Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.69,0:03:49.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so for me that meant very high highs\Nand very low lows. Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.79,0:03:51.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can remember one moment in particular. Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.58,0:03:55.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was sitting on a bed\Nin a hostel in South America, Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.95,0:03:59.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was watching the person\NI love walk out the door. Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.15,0:04:01.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was late, Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.79,0:04:03.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was nearly midnight, Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.07,0:04:05.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we'd gotten into an argument over dinner, Dialogue: 0,0:04:05.07,0:04:07.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when we got back to our room, Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.05,0:04:09.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he threw his things in the bag\Nand stormed out. Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.14,0:04:14.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,While I can no longer remember\Nwhat that argument was about, Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.42,0:04:18.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I very clearly remember\Nhow I felt watching him leave. Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.12,0:04:22.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was 22, it was my first time\Nin the developing world, Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.42,0:04:25.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was totally alone. Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.41,0:04:29.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had another week until my flight home, Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.80,0:04:32.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I knew the name\Nof the town that I was in, Dialogue: 0,0:04:32.20,0:04:35.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the name of the city\Nthat I needed to get to to fly out, Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.80,0:04:39.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I had no idea how to get around. Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.84,0:04:43.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had no guidebook and very little money, Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.04,0:04:44.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I spoke no Spanish. Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.55,0:04:47.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Someone more adventurous than me Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.67,0:04:50.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,might have seen this as\Na moment of opportunity, Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.12,0:04:51.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I just froze. Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.41,0:04:54.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just sat there. Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.74,0:04:56.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I burst into tears. Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.36,0:04:59.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But despite my panic, Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.75,0:05:02.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some small voice in my head thought, Dialogue: 0,0:05:02.35,0:05:04.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Wow. That was dramatic. Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.71,0:05:07.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I must really be doing\Nthis love thing right." Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.43,0:05:09.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.24,0:05:13.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because some part of me\Nwanted to feel miserable in love. Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.23,0:05:17.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it sounds so strange\Nto me now, but at 22, Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.69,0:05:20.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I longed to have dramatic experiences, Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.86,0:05:26.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in that moment, I was irrational\Nand furious and devastated, Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.08,0:05:27.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and weirdly enough, Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.33,0:05:30.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought that this somehow\Nlegitimized the feelings I had Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.73,0:05:32.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the guy who had just left me. Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.16,0:05:38.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think on some level I wanted\Nto feel a little bit crazy, Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.55,0:05:42.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I thought that\Nthat was how loved worked. Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.14,0:05:44.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This really should not be surprising, Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.97,0:05:47.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,considering that according to Wikipedia, Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.45,0:05:49.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are eight films, Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.75,0:05:51.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,14 songs, Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.77,0:05:54.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,two albums and one novel\Nwith the title "Crazy Love." Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.84,0:05:58.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,About half an hour later,\Nhe came back to our room. Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.99,0:06:00.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We made up. Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.16,0:06:02.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We spent another mostly\Nhappy week traveling together. Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.00,0:06:04.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then, when I got home, Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.46,0:06:09.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought, "That was so\Nterrible and so great. Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.99,0:06:11.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This must be a real romance." Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.01,0:06:15.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I expected my first love\Nto feel like madness, Dialogue: 0,0:06:15.73,0:06:19.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and of course, it met\Nthat expectation very well. Dialogue: 0,0:06:19.94,0:06:21.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But loving someone like that -- Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.66,0:06:25.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as if my entire well-being depended\Non him loving me back -- Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.78,0:06:27.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was not very good for me Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.89,0:06:29.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or for him. Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.85,0:06:33.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I suspect this experience of love\Nis not that unusual. Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.03,0:06:38.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most of us do feel a bit mad\Nin the early stages of romantic love. Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.82,0:06:42.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, there is research to confirm\Nthat this is somewhat normal, Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.28,0:06:45.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because, neurochemically speaking, Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.19,0:06:49.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,romantic love and mental illness\Nare not that easily distinguished. Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.05,0:06:52.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is true. Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.22,0:06:56.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This study from 1999 used blood tests Dialogue: 0,0:06:56.80,0:06:59.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to confirm that the serotonin\Nlevels of the newly in love Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.92,0:07:02.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,very closely resembled\Nthe serotonin levels Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.74,0:07:06.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of people who had been diagnosed\Nwith obsessive-compulsive disorder. Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.07,0:07:07.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.10,0:07:09.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes, and low levels of serotonin Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.82,0:07:13.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are also associated\Nwith seasonal affective disorder Dialogue: 0,0:07:13.45,0:07:14.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and depression. Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.69,0:07:17.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So there is some evidence Dialogue: 0,0:07:17.97,0:07:22.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that love is associated with changes\Nto our moods and our behaviors. Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.34,0:07:26.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there are other studies to confirm Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.37,0:07:30.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that most relationships begin this way. Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.66,0:07:34.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Researchers believe\Nthat the low levels of serotonin Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.85,0:07:38.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is correlated with obsessive thinking\Nabout the object of love, Dialogue: 0,0:07:38.91,0:07:42.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is like this feeling that someone\Nhas set up camp in your brain. Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.99,0:07:45.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And most of us feel this way\Nwhen we first fall in love. Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.94,0:07:49.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the good news is,\Nit doesn't always last that long -- Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.09,0:07:52.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,usually from a few months\Nto a couple of years. Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.35,0:07:56.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I got back from my trip\Nto South America, Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.18,0:07:59.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I spent a lot of time alone in my room, Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.78,0:08:01.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,checking my email, Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.15,0:08:03.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desperate to hear from the guy I loved. Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.54,0:08:09.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I decided that if my friends could not\Nunderstand my grievous affliction, Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.92,0:08:11.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I did not need their friendship. Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.89,0:08:13.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I stopped hanging out\Nwith most of them. Dialogue: 0,0:08:14.39,0:08:18.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was probably the most\Nunhappy year of my life. Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.09,0:08:23.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I think I felt like\Nit was my job to be miserable, Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.85,0:08:25.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because if I could be miserable, Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.66,0:08:28.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I would prove how much I loved him. Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.36,0:08:30.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if I could prove it, Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.26,0:08:33.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we would have to end up\Ntogether eventually. Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.05,0:08:36.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is the real madness, Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.16,0:08:38.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because there is no cosmic rule Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.58,0:08:41.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that says that great suffering\Nequals great reward, Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.48,0:08:46.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we talk about love as if this is true. Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.46,0:08:51.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our experiences of love\Nare both biological and cultural. Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.77,0:08:54.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our biology tells us that love is good Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.26,0:08:57.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by activating these reward\Ncircuits in our brain, Dialogue: 0,0:08:57.44,0:09:02.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it tells us that love is painful\Nwhen, after a fight or a breakup, Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.08,0:09:04.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that neurochemical reward is withdrawn. Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.16,0:09:07.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in fact -- and maybe\Nyou've heard this -- Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.62,0:09:09.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,neurochemically speaking, Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.49,0:09:12.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,going through a breakup is a lot\Nlike going through cocaine withdrawal, Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.68,0:09:15.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which I find reassuring. Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.34,0:09:16.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.07,0:09:19.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then our culture uses language Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.92,0:09:22.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to shape and reinforce\Nthese ideas about love. Dialogue: 0,0:09:22.73,0:09:25.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In this case, we're talking\Nabout metaphors about pain Dialogue: 0,0:09:25.38,0:09:26.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and addiction and madness. Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.83,0:09:30.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's kind of an interesting feedback loop. Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.29,0:09:33.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love is powerful and at times painful, Dialogue: 0,0:09:33.84,0:09:36.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we express this\Nin our words and stories, Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.18,0:09:39.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but then our words and stories prime us Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.70,0:09:43.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to expect love to be powerful and painful. Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.96,0:09:47.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What's interesting to me\Nis that all of this happens Dialogue: 0,0:09:47.15,0:09:49.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a culture that values\Nlifelong monogamy. Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.66,0:09:52.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It seems like we want it both ways: Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.74,0:09:55.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we want love to feel like madness, Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.72,0:09:58.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we want it to last an entire lifetime. Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.56,0:10:01.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That sounds terrible. Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.15,0:10:02.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.85,0:10:05.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To reconcile this, Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.47,0:10:10.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we need to either change our culture\Nor change our expectations. Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.41,0:10:15.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, imagine if we were all\Nless passive in love. Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.64,0:10:19.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we were more assertive,\Nmore open-mined, more generous Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.81,0:10:23.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and instead of falling in love, Dialogue: 0,0:10:23.14,0:10:25.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we stepped into love. Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.22,0:10:28.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that this is asking a lot, Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.18,0:10:31.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm not actually\Nthe first person to suggest this. Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.01,0:10:35.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In their book, "Metaphors We Live By," Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.54,0:10:40.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff\Nsuggest a really interesting solution Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.68,0:10:41.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to this dilemma, Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.49,0:10:44.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is to change our metaphors. Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.80,0:10:50.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They argue that metaphors really do shape\Nthe way we experience the world, Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.07,0:10:54.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that they can even act\Nas a guide for future actions, Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.59,0:10:56.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like self-fulfilling prophecies. Dialogue: 0,0:10:57.49,0:11:01.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Johnson and Lakoff suggest\Na new metaphor for love: Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.98,0:11:04.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love as a collaborative work of art. Dialogue: 0,0:11:04.87,0:11:07.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really like this way\Nof thinking about love. Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.03,0:11:12.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Linguists talk about metaphors\Nas having entailments, Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.57,0:11:16.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is essentially a way of considering\Nall the implications of, Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.39,0:11:19.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or ideas contained\Nwithin, a given metaphor. Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.35,0:11:22.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Johnson and Lakoff\Ntalk about everything Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.28,0:11:24.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that collaborating\Non a work of art entails: Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.98,0:11:29.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,effort, compromise,\Npatience, shared goals. Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.66,0:11:33.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These ideas align nicely\Nwith our cultural investment Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.51,0:11:35.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in long-term romantic commitment, Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.61,0:11:39.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they also work well\Nfor other kinds of relationships -- Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.02,0:11:45.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,short-term, casual, polyamorous,\Nnon-monogamous, asexual -- Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.70,0:11:49.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because this metaphor brings\Nmuch more complex ideas Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.61,0:11:51.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the experience of loving someone. Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.67,0:11:57.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if love is a collaborative work of art, Dialogue: 0,0:11:57.09,0:12:00.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then love is an aesthetic experience. Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.52,0:12:03.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love is unpredictable, Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.15,0:12:06.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love is creative, Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.90,0:12:11.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love requires communication\Nand discipline, Dialogue: 0,0:12:11.06,0:12:14.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is frustrating\Nand emotionally demanding. Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.68,0:12:18.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And love involves both joy and pain. Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.74,0:12:22.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ultimately, each experience\Nof love is different. Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.76,0:12:25.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was younger, Dialogue: 0,0:12:25.41,0:12:30.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it never occurred to me that I was allowed\Nto demand more from love, Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.10,0:12:33.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I didn't have to just accept\Nwhatever love offered. Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.78,0:12:38.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When 14-year-old Juliet first meets -- Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.13,0:12:42.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, when 14-year-old Juliet\Ncannot be with Romeo, Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.08,0:12:44.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whom she has met four days ago, Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.74,0:12:48.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she does not feel disappointed or angsty. Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.02,0:12:50.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where is she? Dialogue: 0,0:12:50.40,0:12:51.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She wants to die. Dialogue: 0,0:12:52.24,0:12:53.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right? Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.41,0:12:55.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And just as a refresher,\Nat this point in the play, Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.90,0:12:57.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,act three of five, Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.24,0:12:59.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Romeo is not dead. Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.64,0:13:00.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's alive, Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.00,0:13:02.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's healthy, Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.42,0:13:04.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he's just been banished from the city. Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.85,0:13:11.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I understand that 16th-century Verona\Nis unlike contemporary North America, Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.88,0:13:14.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet when I first read this play, Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.88,0:13:17.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,also at age 14, Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.30,0:13:19.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Juliet's suffering made sense to me. Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.30,0:13:26.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Reframing love as something\NI get to create with someone I admire, Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.68,0:13:29.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,rather than something\Nthat just happens to me Dialogue: 0,0:13:29.14,0:13:31.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without my control or consent, Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.69,0:13:33.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is empowering. Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.78,0:13:35.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's still hard. Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.42,0:13:40.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love still feels totally maddening\Nand crushing some days, Dialogue: 0,0:13:40.98,0:13:43.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when I feel really frustrated, Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.12,0:13:44.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to remind myself: Dialogue: 0,0:13:44.100,0:13:48.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my job in this relationship\Nis to talk to my partner Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.36,0:13:50.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about what I want to make together. Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.92,0:13:54.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This isn't easy, either. Dialogue: 0,0:13:54.76,0:13:58.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's just so much better\Nthan the alternative, Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.67,0:14:01.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is that thing\Nthat feels like madness. Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.84,0:14:08.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love is not about winning\Nor losing someone's affection. Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.76,0:14:12.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, it requires\Nthat you trust your partner Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.38,0:14:15.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and talk about things\Nwhen trusting feels difficult, Dialogue: 0,0:14:15.48,0:14:17.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which sounds so simple, Dialogue: 0,0:14:17.95,0:14:22.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but is actually a kind\Nof revolutionary, radical act. Dialogue: 0,0:14:23.06,0:14:26.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is because you get to stop\Nthinking about yourself Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.23,0:14:30.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what you're gaining\Nor losing in your relationship, Dialogue: 0,0:14:30.40,0:14:33.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you get to start thinking\Nabout what you have to offer. Dialogue: 0,0:14:34.81,0:14:38.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love\Nallows us to say things like, Dialogue: 0,0:14:38.24,0:14:43.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hey, we're not very good collaborators.\NMaybe this isn't for us." Dialogue: 0,0:14:43.73,0:14:47.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or, "That relationship\Nwas shorter than I had planned, Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.62,0:14:49.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it was still kind of beautiful." Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.84,0:14:53.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The beautiful thing\Nabout the collaborative work of art Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.65,0:14:56.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that it will not paint\Nor draw or sculpt itself. Dialogue: 0,0:14:57.10,0:15:01.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This version of love allows us\Nto decide what it looks like. Dialogue: 0,0:15:01.03,0:15:02.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you. Dialogue: 0,0:15:02.21,0:15:04.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)