1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:15,160 2 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:18,923 (Questioner) I want to thank you for your helpful Dharma Talks. 3 00:00:18,923 --> 00:00:20,376 (Sunim) Sure. 4 00:00:20,376 --> 00:00:25,557 (Questioner) My question is, when I'm with my friends and talk to them, 5 00:00:25,557 --> 00:00:29,041 there is a lack of reaction, which brings the mood down. 6 00:00:29,041 --> 00:00:31,581 Then, the conversation gets boring. 7 00:00:31,581 --> 00:00:34,511 I try my best to get by, but the more I try, the more 8 00:00:34,511 --> 00:00:37,595 I get timid and withdrawn. 9 00:00:37,595 --> 00:00:40,955 Instead of going out to meet people right now, 10 00:00:40,955 --> 00:00:44,100 I prefer to spend time alone at home. 11 00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:48,980 The more I try to talk with people, I feel more withdrawn. 12 00:00:48,980 --> 00:00:51,471 I don't know how to go about this. 13 00:00:51,471 --> 00:00:53,988 That's my concern right now and the question for you. 14 00:00:53,988 --> 00:00:57,150 (Sunim) Why do you feel withdrawn? 15 00:00:57,150 --> 00:01:01,567 (Questioner) Just happens... When the response gets tepid, 16 00:01:01,567 --> 00:01:08,250 I feel like they are indifferent to whatever I am saying. 17 00:01:08,250 --> 00:01:16,540 And I think, "Why am I doing this?" I feel deflated and insignificant. 18 00:01:16,540 --> 00:01:20,558 (Sunim) So, you feel discouraged according to people's reactions? 19 00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:21,942 (Questioner) Yes. 20 00:01:21,942 --> 00:01:24,953 (Sunim) But they don't have any obligation to respond. 21 00:01:24,953 --> 00:01:27,472 (Questioner) They don't. But if they don't react 22 00:01:27,472 --> 00:01:30,640 as I expected, then I feel dispirited. 23 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,725 (Sunim) Isn't it normal? (Questioner) Yes, I agree. 24 00:01:33,725 --> 00:01:36,981 (Sunim) If you think that is normal, you shouldn't feel discouraged. 25 00:01:36,981 --> 00:01:43,248 But rather you expect, "If I speak, you should respond." 26 00:01:43,248 --> 00:01:47,020 If that expectation isn't met, then you feel discouraged. 27 00:01:47,020 --> 00:01:50,878 Whether to respond or not, is their choice. 28 00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:54,778 If you don't expect any, no need to feel discouraged. 29 00:01:54,778 --> 00:01:57,320 Speak your piece and be done. 30 00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,994 They are not required to show reactions. 31 00:01:59,994 --> 00:02:04,392 If you have to force energetic reactions out of friends, 32 00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:06,312 those are not true friends. 33 00:02:06,312 --> 00:02:10,495 Tthat is not a good way to build friendships. 34 00:02:10,495 --> 00:02:13,930 (Questioner) I find myself separated from the rest of the 35 00:02:13,930 --> 00:02:16,940 people while others are enjoying themselves. 36 00:02:16,940 --> 00:02:20,480 (Sunim) Why? I have a friend who hardly talks. 37 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:24,377 Whenever we're together, he stays quiet but smiles. 38 00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:29,566 He just says yes here and there with smile, 39 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:32,906 and mingles with the group very well. 40 00:02:32,906 --> 00:02:37,893 You either want to be a leader in control, 41 00:02:37,893 --> 00:02:41,790 or desire to be the most popular person in the group. 42 00:02:41,790 --> 00:02:46,741 That is not being a friend. You let your friends have 43 00:02:46,741 --> 00:02:49,750 fun, listen, agree and smile, that's a friend. 44 00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:55,955 That's all you need to do. Why do you want to talk so much? 45 00:02:55,955 --> 00:03:06,690 What reason is there to always take the lead amongst friends? 46 00:03:06,690 --> 00:03:09,699 (Questioner) Not so much the leadership but more of 47 00:03:09,699 --> 00:03:13,582 a life of the party.... 48 00:03:13,582 --> 00:03:16,038 (Sunim) Why should you be the center of the party? 49 00:03:16,038 --> 00:03:18,202 (Audience Laughter) 50 00:03:18,202 --> 00:03:20,906 (Sunim) Trying to be the life of the party means you want 51 00:03:20,906 --> 00:03:23,595 to have the control of your get togethers, it's the same, 52 00:03:23,595 --> 00:03:28,734 Only difference is you are mixing in some English. 53 00:03:28,734 --> 00:03:31,439 (Audience Laughter) 54 00:03:31,439 --> 00:03:34,852 You have to let go of that desire. Amongst friends, you should not 55 00:03:34,852 --> 00:03:41,714 have to practice or think of what to say before you meet. 56 00:03:41,714 --> 00:03:47,437 Do you? If you have something to say, say it. 57 00:03:47,437 --> 00:03:51,882 Or you can listen to others and smile. 58 00:03:51,882 --> 00:03:54,237 Between friends, one does not have to lead. 59 00:03:54,237 --> 00:03:59,680 Seeking to lead, control, or gain popularity, friendships suffer. 60 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,740 Friendship is about equality, that's what friendship is. 61 00:04:02,740 --> 00:04:05,205 Not drinking doesn't make you any less of a friend. 62 00:04:05,205 --> 00:04:07,540 It's a lie to say otherwise to a drinking buddy. 63 00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:10,641 Even if you don't touch a drop, as long as you're paying for it, 64 00:04:10,641 --> 00:04:13,846 they're happy, right? (Audience laughter) 65 00:04:13,846 --> 00:04:17,397 You can go to those gatherings anytime and pay for the drinks 66 00:04:17,397 --> 00:04:20,050 without having to drink yourself. 67 00:04:20,050 --> 00:04:23,080 But thinking that not being able to drink 68 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,670 makes someone a bad friend is completely wrong. 69 00:04:26,670 --> 00:04:29,460 Just as there are friends who smoke even if you don't. 70 00:04:29,460 --> 00:04:31,430 There used to be many who smoked. 71 00:04:31,430 --> 00:04:37,158 If someone wants to smoke and you don't mind, 72 00:04:37,158 --> 00:04:40,530 you can light their cigarette for them without smoking yourself. 73 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:44,350 The questioner has the wrong mindset. 74 00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:47,410 Friendship should be based on equality. 75 00:04:47,410 --> 00:04:49,530 The essence of friendship is equality. 76 00:04:49,530 --> 00:04:54,465 Whether you're a senator or holding a high position, 77 00:04:54,465 --> 00:05:00,622 flaunting wealth or status to friends breeds resentment. 78 00:05:00,622 --> 00:05:06,080 Friendship is rooted in equality, so letting go of such notions 79 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:10,165 would resolve any issues. It's unnecessary to sulk alone 80 00:05:10,165 --> 00:05:13,320 in a corner all day. If you don't feel like speaking, 81 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,421 simply make eye contact and stay silent. 82 00:05:16,421 --> 00:05:24,314 Always nodding along and speaking if asked. 83 00:05:24,314 --> 00:05:27,025 Is this difficult to do? 84 00:05:27,025 --> 00:05:29,827 (Questioner) You're right, thank you. 85 00:05:29,827 --> 00:05:33,035 (Sunim) Sure. (Audience Applause)