<Essence of Friendship Is Equality>
(Questioner) I want to thank you for your helpful public sessions.
My question is about reactions from my friends when I talk.
Whenever I talk, there is a lack of reactions and, in turn,
mood of the gathering gets subdued and feels boring.
I try my best to get by, but the more I try, the more
I get timid and withdrawn.
Instead of going out to meet people right now,
I prefer to spend time alone at home.
The more I try to talk with people, I feel more withdrawn inside.
I don't know how to go about this.
That's my concern right now and the question for you.
(Sunim) Why do you feel withdrawn?
(Questioner) Just happens... When the response gets tepid,
I feel like they are indifferent to whatever I am saying.
And I think, "Why am I doing this?" I feel deflated and insignificant.
(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged according to people's reactions?
(Questioner) Yes.
(Sunim) But they don't have any obligation to respond.
(Questioner) They don't. But if they don't react
as I expected, then I feel dispirited.
(Sunim) Isn't it normal? (Questioner) Yes, I agree.
(Sunim) If you think that is normal, you shouldn't feel discouraged.
But rather you expect, "If I speak, you should respond."
If that expectation isn't met, then you feel discouraged.
Whether to respond or not, is their choice.
If you don't expect, no need to feel discouraged.
Speak your piece and be done.
They are not required to show reactions.
If you have to force energetic reactions out of friends,
those are not true friends and
that is not a good way to build friendships.
(Questioner) I find myself separated from the rest of the
people while others are enjoying themselves.
(Sunim) Why? I have a friend who hardly talks.
Whenever we're together, he stays quiet but smiles.
He just says yes here and there with smile,
and mingles with the group very well.
You either want to be a leader in control,
or desire to be the most popular person in the group.
That is not being a friend. You let your friends have
fun, listen, agree and smile, that's a friend.
That's all you need to do. Why do you want to talk so much?
What reason is there to always take the lead amongst friends?
(Questioner) Not so much the leadership but more of
a life of the party....
(Sunim) Why should you be the center of the party?
(Audience Laughter)
(Sunim) Trying to be the life of the party means you want
to have the control of your get togethers, it's the same,
Only difference is you are mixing in some English.
(Audience Laughter)
You have to let go of that desire. Amongst friends, you should not
have to practice or think of what to say before you meet.
Do you? If you have something to say, say it.
Or you can listen to others and smile.
Between friends, one does not have to lead.
Seeking to lead, control, or gain popularity, friendships suffer.
Friendship is about equality, that's what friendship is.
Not drinking doesn't make you any less of a friend.
It's a lie to say otherwise to a drinking buddy.
Even if you don't touch a drop, as long as you're paying for it,
they're happy, right? (Audience laughter)
You can go to those gatherings anytime and pay for the drinks
without having to drink yourself.
But thinking that not being able to drink
makes someone a bad friend is completely wrong.
Just as there are friends who smoke even if you don't.
There used to be many who smoked.
If someone wants to smoke and you don't mind,
you can light their cigarette for them without smoking yourself.
The questioner has the wrong mindset.
Friendship should be based on equality.
The essence of friendship is equality.
Whether you're a senator or holding a high position,
flaunting wealth or status to friends breeds resentment.
Friendship is rooted in equality, so letting go of such notions
would resolve any issues. It's unnecessary to sulk alone
all day or constantly nod along. If you don't feel like speaking,
simply make eye contact and stay silent.
Always nodding along and speaking if asked.
Is this difficult to do?
(Questioner) You're right, thank you.
(Sunim) Sure. (Audience Applause)