<Essence of Friendship Is Equality>

(Questioner) I want to thank you
for your helpful public sessions.

My question is about reactions
I get from my friends when I talk.

Whenever I talk, there is a
lack of reactions and, in turn,

mood of the gathering gets
subdued and feels boring.

I try my best to get by, but
the more I try, the more

I get timid and withdrawn
afterwards.

Instead of going out to meet
people right now,

I prefer to spend time
alone at home.

The more I try to talk with people,
I feel more withdrawn inside.

I don't know how to go
about this.

That's my concern right now
and the question for you.

(Sunim) Why do you
feel withdrawn?

(Questioner) Just happens...
When the response gets tepic

I feel like they are indifferent
to whatever I am saying.

And I think, "Why am I doing this?"
I feel deflated and insignificant.

(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged
according to people's reactions?

(Questioner) Yes

(Sunim) But they don't have
any obligation to respond.

(Questioner) They don't.
But if they don't react

as I expected, then
I feel dispirited.

(Sunim) Isn't it normal?
(Questioner) Yes, I agree.

(Sunim) If you think that is normal,
you shouldn't feel discouraged.

But rather you expect,
"If I speak, you should respond."

If that expectation isn't met, 
then you feel discouraged.

Whether to respond or not,
it their choice.

If you don't expect,
no need to feel discouraged.

Speak your piece
and be done.

They are not required
to show reactions.

If you have to force energetic 
reactions out of friends,

those are not 
true friends, and

that is not a good way
to build friendships.

(Questioner) I find myself
separted from the rest of the

people while others 
are enjoying themselves.

(Sunim) Why? I have a
friend who hardly talks.

Whenever we're together,
he stays quiet but smiles.

He just says yes here 
and there with smile,

and mingles with 
the group very well.

You either want to be
a leader in control,

or desire to be the most popular
person in the group.

That is not being a friend.
You let your friends have

fun, listen, agree and
smile, that's a friend.

That's all you need to do.
Why do you want to talk so much?

What reason is there to always 
take the lead amongst friends?

(Questioner) Not so much the 
leadership but more of

a life of the party....

(Sunim) Why should you be 
the center of the party?

(Audience Laughter)

(Sunim) Trying to be the life
of the party means you want

to have the control of your
get togethers, it's the same,

Only difference is you 
are using different words

to describe the same motive.
(Audience Laughter)

You have to let go of that desire.
Amongst friends, you should not

have to practice or think of
what to say before you meet.

Do you? If you have 
something to say , say it.

Or you can listen to others,
and smile.

Between friends, one does
not have to lead.

Seeking to lead, control, or 
gain popularity, friendships suffer.

Friendship is about equality, 
that's what friendship is.

Not drinking doesn't make you 
any less of a friend.

It's a lie to say otherwise 
to a drinking buddy.

Even if you don't touch a drop, 
as long as you're paying for it,

they're happy, right? 
(Audience laughter)

You can go to those gatherings 
anytime and pay for the drinks

without having to drink yourself.

But thinking that 
not being able to drink

makes someone a bad friend 
is completely wrong.

Just as there are friends 
who smoke even if you don't,

there used to be 
many who smoked.

If someone wants to smoke 
and you don't mind,

you can light their cigarette 
for them without smoking yourself.

The questioner has
the wrong mindset.

Friendship should be 
based on equality.

The essence of friendship
is equality.

Whether you're a senator
or holding a high position,

flaunting wealth or status to 
friends breeds resentment.

Friendship is rooted in equality, 
so letting go of such notions

would resolve any issues.
It's unnecessary to sulk alone

all day or constantly nod along.
If you don't feel like speaking,

simply make eye 
contact and stay silent.

Always nodding along 
and speak if asked

Is this difficult to do?

(Questioer) You're right, thank you.

(Sunim) Sure.
(Audience Applause)