1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:15,160 2 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:18,923 (Questioner) I want to thank you for your helpful Dharma talks. 3 00:00:18,923 --> 00:00:20,726 (Sunim) Sure. 4 00:00:20,726 --> 00:00:25,337 (Questioner) My question is, when I'm with my friends and talk with them, 5 00:00:25,337 --> 00:00:28,871 there is a lack of reaction, which brings the mood down. 6 00:00:28,871 --> 00:00:31,741 Then, the conversation gets boring. 7 00:00:31,741 --> 00:00:34,942 I try hard to get along with others, but the more I try, 8 00:00:34,942 --> 00:00:37,785 the more timid and withdrawn I get. 9 00:00:37,785 --> 00:00:40,865 Now, instead of going out to meet people, 10 00:00:40,865 --> 00:00:44,871 I prefer spending time alone at home. 11 00:00:44,871 --> 00:00:49,140 The more I try to talk with people, the more intimidated and uncomfortable I feel. 12 00:00:49,140 --> 00:00:52,934 I don't know how to fix this, or how to shift my perspective. 13 00:00:52,934 --> 00:00:54,961 That's my concern. 14 00:00:54,961 --> 00:00:58,891 (Sunim) Why do you feel intimidated? 15 00:00:58,891 --> 00:01:02,647 (Questioner) It's just... 16 00:01:02,647 --> 00:01:10,077 When they seem unimpressed by what I say, I feel like they don't care about me. 17 00:01:10,077 --> 00:01:16,468 I think, "Why bother talking to them?" And I feel deflated and insignificant. 18 00:01:16,468 --> 00:01:19,958 (Sunim) So, you feel discouraged depending other's reactions? 19 00:01:19,958 --> 00:01:21,492 (Questioner) Yes. 20 00:01:21,492 --> 00:01:24,853 (Sunim) But they don't have any obligation to respond. 21 00:01:24,853 --> 00:01:27,827 (Questioner) That's true, but when I have an intention 22 00:01:27,827 --> 00:01:30,830 but don't get the expected reaction, then I feel... 23 00:01:30,830 --> 00:01:33,518 (Sunim) Isn't that normal? (Questioner) Yes, I agree. 24 00:01:33,518 --> 00:01:39,211 (Sunim) If you think it's normal that they don't react the way you want, you shouldn't feel discouraged. 25 00:01:39,211 --> 00:01:43,688 It seems you expect them to react the way you want when you speak. 26 00:01:43,688 --> 00:01:47,804 You feel discouraged when that expectation isn't met. 27 00:01:47,804 --> 00:01:51,278 Whether to react or not, is their choice. 28 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:54,808 If you don't expect anything, there's no need to feel discouraged. 29 00:01:54,808 --> 00:01:57,530 Speak your piece and be done. 30 00:01:57,530 --> 00:02:00,787 They have no obligation to show any reactions. 31 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:04,392 If you have to force enthusiasm from your friends, 32 00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:07,579 they are not true friends. 33 00:02:07,579 --> 00:02:10,618 That is not a good way to build friendships. 34 00:02:10,618 --> 00:02:14,287 (Questioner) When I am with my friends, talking and spending time together, 35 00:02:14,287 --> 00:02:17,201 I keep finding myself separated from the rest of the group 36 00:02:17,201 --> 00:02:19,602 (Sunim) What do you mean? 37 00:02:19,602 --> 00:02:23,000 I have a friend who hardly talks. 38 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:26,816 Whenever we're together, he stays quiet but smiles. 39 00:02:26,816 --> 00:02:31,064 He just complies here and there with a smile. 40 00:02:31,064 --> 00:02:34,753 He gets along with everyone very well. 41 00:02:34,753 --> 00:02:38,663 You either want to be a leader in control, 42 00:02:38,663 --> 00:02:41,980 or desire to be the most popular person in the group. 43 00:02:41,980 --> 00:02:45,059 That is not friendship. 44 00:02:45,059 --> 00:02:50,510 True friends have fun, listen, laugh, and sympathize with each other. 45 00:02:50,510 --> 00:02:57,387 Why does friendship need so much talking? Why do you want to talk so much? 46 00:02:57,387 --> 00:03:06,390 Why do you feel the need to take the lead amongst friends? 47 00:03:06,390 --> 00:03:10,427 (Questioner) It's not so much that, but, how can I say this... 48 00:03:10,427 --> 00:03:13,439 be the life of the party? 49 00:03:13,439 --> 00:03:16,418 (Sunim) Why should you be the center of attention? 50 00:03:16,418 --> 00:03:19,042 (Audience Laughter) (Questioner) You have a point. 51 00:03:19,042 --> 00:03:23,466 (Sunim) Being the life of the party is no different than wanting more control. 52 00:03:23,466 --> 00:03:26,574 The only difference is you are mixing in some English. 53 00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:30,579 (Audience Laughter) I can tell even though I don't know English. 54 00:03:30,579 --> 00:03:35,007 You have to let go of that kind of desire amongst friends. 55 00:03:35,007 --> 00:03:42,674 Do you need to prepare what to say before you meet your friends? 56 00:03:42,674 --> 00:03:46,407 No, you don't. If you have nothing to say, stay quiet. 57 00:03:46,407 --> 00:03:52,362 You can just listen and smile or talk if you have anything to say. 58 00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:55,617 If one person mainly leads the friendship, 59 00:03:55,617 --> 00:03:59,600 or is predominantly popular, the friendship doesn't last. 60 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:03,430 Friendship is about equality. That's how friends should be. 61 00:04:03,430 --> 00:04:07,533 Does not drinking make you less of a drinking buddy? Not true. 62 00:04:07,533 --> 00:04:12,171 Friends love you even if you don't drink, as long as you're buying, right? 63 00:04:12,171 --> 00:04:14,872 (Audience Laughter) You get that, right? 64 00:04:14,872 --> 00:04:18,217 You can accompany your friends when they go out to drink at any time. 65 00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:22,301 If you buy, nobody will complain even if you don't drink. 66 00:04:22,301 --> 00:04:27,761 It is wrong to think that you can't be friends because you don't drink. 67 00:04:27,761 --> 00:04:31,530 It's just like being friends with a smoker. 68 00:04:31,530 --> 00:04:35,952 Smoking is now subject to disapproval but in the past, there were more smokers. 69 00:04:35,952 --> 00:04:39,858 You could carry a pack of cigarettes to offer and light up for your friends 70 00:04:39,858 --> 00:04:41,678 without smoking yourself. 71 00:04:41,678 --> 00:04:44,470 The questioner has the wrong mindset. 72 00:04:44,470 --> 00:04:47,410 Friendship should be based on equality. 73 00:04:47,410 --> 00:04:50,781 The essence of friendship is equality. 74 00:04:50,781 --> 00:04:54,875 Whether you're a congressman or holding a high position, 75 00:04:54,875 --> 00:05:01,041 flaunting wealth or status to friends is frowned upon 76 00:05:01,041 --> 00:05:05,620 because friendship is rooted in equality. 77 00:05:05,620 --> 00:05:09,755 So, if you can let go of such notions, your problem will be resolved. 78 00:05:09,755 --> 00:05:13,963 You don't need to talk, but you shouldn't sulk alone in a corner all day. 79 00:05:13,963 --> 00:05:16,806 If you don't feel like talking, you can stay quiet, 80 00:05:16,806 --> 00:05:21,006 but you still need to make eye contact and listen to others, nodding your head. 81 00:05:21,006 --> 00:05:24,994 If you want to say something or are asked to speak, you can do that. 82 00:05:24,994 --> 00:05:27,655 What's so difficult about that? 83 00:05:27,655 --> 00:05:30,037 (Questioner) You're right. Thank you. 84 00:05:30,037 --> 00:05:33,235 (Sunim) Sure. (Audience Applause) 85 00:05:36,505 --> 00:05:43,684 I am hope.