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<The Essence of Friendship Is Equality>

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(Questioner) I want to thank you
for your helpful Dharma talks.

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(Sunim) Sure.

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(Questioner) My question is, when I'm with
my friends and talk to them,

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there is a lack of reaction,
which brings the mood down.

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Then, the conversation gets boring.

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I try hard to get along with others, 
but the more I try,

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the more timid 
and withdrawn I get.

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Now, instead of going out 
to meet people,

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I prefer spending time
alone at home.

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The more I try to talk with people,
the more intimidated and uncomfortable I feel.

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I don't know how to fix this,
or how to shift my perspective.

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That's my concern.

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(Sunim) Why do you
feel intimidated?

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(Questioner) It's just...

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When they seem unimpressed by what I say,
I feel like they don't care about me.

NOTE Paragraph

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I think, "Why bother talking to them?" 
And I feel deflated and insignificant.

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(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged
depending other's reactions?

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(Questioner) Yes.

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(Sunim) But they don't have
any obligation to respond.

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(Questioner) That's true, 
but if I have an intent

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but don't get the expected reaction, 
then I feel...

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(Sunim) Isn't that normal?
(Questioner) Yes, I agree.

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(Sunim) If you think that is normal,
you shouldn't feel discouraged.

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Rather, it seems you expect,
"If I speak, you should respond."

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You are feeling discouraged 
when that expectation isn't met.

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Whether to respond or not,
is their choice.

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If you don't expect anything,
there's no need to feel discouraged.

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Speak your piece
and be done.

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They are not required
to show reactions.

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If you have to force enthusiasm
from your friends,

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they are not true friends.

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That is not a good way
to build friendships.

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(Questioner) I find myself separated
from the rest of the group

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while they're talking
and enjoying themselves.

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(Sunim) Why is that 
leaving you out?

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I have a friend who hardly talks.

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Whenever we're together,
he stays quiet but smiles.

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He just complies here 
and there with a smile.

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He mingles with 
the group very well.

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You either want to be
a leader in control,

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or desire to be the most popular
person in the group.

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That is not friendship.

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True friends have fun, listen, laugh, 
and sympathize with each other.

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Why does friendship need so much talking?
Why do you want to talk so much?

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Why do you feel the need to 
take the lead amongst friends?

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(Questioner) It's not so much that, 
but, how can I say this...

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be the life of the party?

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(Sunim) Why should you be 
the center of attention?

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(Audience Laughter)
(Questioner) That's true.

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(Sunim) Being the life of the party is
no different than wanting more control.

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Only difference is 
you are mixing in some English.

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(Audience Laughter) I can tell 
even though I don't know English.

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You have to let go of that kind of 
desire amongst friends.

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Should you have to practice or think of
what to say before you meet your friends?

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You shouldn't. 
If you have nothing to say, stay quiet.

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Or you can listen and smile,
or talk if you have anything to say.

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If one person mainly
leads the friendship,

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or is predominantly popular, 
the friendship suffers.

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Friendship is about equality. 
That's how friends should be.

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Does not drinking make you 
less of a drinking buddy? Not true.

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Friends love you even if you don't drink, 
as long as you're buying, right?

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(Audience Laughter)
You get that, right?

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You can go to 
those gatherings anytime,

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buy drinks without drinking yourself.
Then, there are no issues.

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It is wrong to think that you can't be
friends because you don't drink.

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It's just like being friends 
with a smoker.

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It's now frowned upon, but back then,
a one would carry a pack of cigarettes

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to offer and light up for these friends
without smoking yourself.

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The questioner has
the wrong mindset.

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Friendship should be 
based on equality.

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The essence of friendship
is equality.

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Whether you're a senator
or holding a high position,

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flaunting wealth or status to 
friends breeds resentment.

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Because friendship 
is rooted in equality.

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So, letting go of such notions 
would resolve any issues.

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No need to talk. It's unnecessary
to sulk alone in a corner all day.

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Simply make eye contact
and stay silent.

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Always nodding along and speaking up
if there's something to add.

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How easy is that, right?

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(Questioner) You're right, thank you.

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(Sunim) Sure.
(Audience Applause)

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I am hope.