<Essence of Friendship Is Equality>
(Questioner) I want to thank you for your helpful Dharma Talks.
(Sunim) Sure.
(Questioner) My question is, when I'm with my friends and talk to them,
there is a lack of reaction, which brings the mood down.
Then, the conversation gets boring.
I try hard to get along, but the more I try,
the more timid and withdrawn I get.
Now, instead of going out to meet people,
I prefer spending time alone at home.
The more I try to talk with people, I feel more intimidated and uncomfortable.
I don't know how to fix this, or how to shift my perspective.
That's my concern.
(Sunim) Why do you feel intimidated?
(Questioner) It's just...
When they seem unimpressed, I feel like they don't care about me.
Thoughts like, "Why bother?" I feel deflated and insignificant.
(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged according to other's reactions?
(Questioner) Yes.
(Sunim) But they don't have any obligation to respond.
(Questioner) That's true, but if I have an intent
but don't get the expected reaction, then I feel...
(Sunim) Isn't that normal? (Questioner) Yes, I agree.
(Sunim) If you think that is normal, you shouldn't feel discouraged.
Rather, it seems you expect, "If I speak, you should respond."
You are feeling discouraged when that expectation isn't met.
Whether to respond or not, is their choice.
If you don't expect anything, there's no need to feel discouraged.
Speak your piece and be done.
They are not required to show reactions.
If you have to force enthusiasm from your friends,
they are not true friends.
That is not a good way to build friendships.
(Questioner) I find myself separated from the rest of the group
while they're talking and enjoying themselves.
(Sunim) Why is that leaving you out?
I have a friend who hardly talks.
Whenever we're together, he stays quiet but smiles.
He just complies here and there with a smile.
He mingles with the group very well.
You either want to be a leader in control,
or desire to be the most popular person in the group.
That is not friendship.
True friends have fun, listen, laugh, and sympathize with each other.
Why does friendship need so much talking? Why do you want to talk so much?
Why do you feel the need to take the lead amongst friends?
(Questioner) It's not so much that, but, how can I say this...
be the life of the party?
(Sunim) Why should you be the center of attention?
(Audience Laughter) (Questioner) That's true.
(Sunim) Being the life of the party is no different than wanting more control.
Only difference is you are mixing in some English.
(Audience Laughter) I can tell even though I don't know English.
You have to let go of that kind of desire amongst friends.
Should you have to practice or think of what to say before you meet your friend?
You shouldn't. If you have nothing to say, stay quiet.
Or you can listen and smile, or talk if you have anything to say.
If one person mainly leads the friendship,
or is predominantly popular, the friendship suffers.
Friendship is about equality. That's how friends should be.
Does not drinking make you less of a drinking buddy? Not true.
Friends love you even if you don't drink, as long as you're buying, right?
they're happy, right? (Audience laughter)
You can go to those gatherings anytime and pay for the drinks
without having to drink yourself.
But thinking that not being able to drink
makes someone a bad friend is completely wrong.
Just as there are friends who smoke even if you don't.
There used to be many who smoked.
If someone wants to smoke and you don't mind,
you can light their cigarette for them without smoking yourself.
The questioner has the wrong mindset.
Friendship should be based on equality.
The essence of friendship is equality.
Whether you're a senator or holding a high position,
flaunting wealth or status to friends breeds resentment.
Friendship is rooted in equality, so letting go of such notions
would resolve any issues. It's unnecessary to sulk alone
in a corner all day. If you don't feel like speaking,
simply make eye contact and stay silent.
Always nodding along and speaking if asked.
Is this difficult to do?
(Questioner) You're right, thank you.
(Sunim) Sure. (Audience Applause)