1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:15,160 2 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:18,923 (Questioner) I want to thank you for your helpful Dharma Talks. 3 00:00:18,923 --> 00:00:20,376 (Sunim) Sure. 4 00:00:20,376 --> 00:00:25,557 (Questioner) My question is, when I'm with my friends and talk to them, 5 00:00:25,557 --> 00:00:29,041 there is a lack of reaction, which brings the mood down. 6 00:00:29,041 --> 00:00:31,581 Then, the conversation gets boring. 7 00:00:31,581 --> 00:00:34,611 I try hard to get along, but the more I try, 8 00:00:34,611 --> 00:00:37,165 the more timid and withdrawn I get. 9 00:00:37,165 --> 00:00:40,415 Now, instead of going out to meet people, 10 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:45,121 I prefer spending time alone at home. 11 00:00:45,121 --> 00:00:49,140 The more I try to talk with people, I feel more intimidated and uncomfortable. 12 00:00:49,140 --> 00:00:52,674 I don't know how to fix this, or how to shift my perspective. 13 00:00:52,674 --> 00:00:53,988 That's my concern. 14 00:00:53,988 --> 00:00:57,750 (Sunim) Why do you feel intimidated? 15 00:00:57,750 --> 00:01:02,647 (Questioner) It's just... 16 00:01:02,647 --> 00:01:10,077 When they seem unimpressed, I feel like they don't care about me. 17 00:01:10,077 --> 00:01:16,468 Thoughts like, "Why bother?" I feel deflated and insignificant. 18 00:01:16,468 --> 00:01:19,988 (Sunim) So, you feel discouraged according to other's reactions? 19 00:01:19,988 --> 00:01:20,662 (Questioner) Yes. 20 00:01:20,662 --> 00:01:25,083 (Sunim) But they don't have any obligation to respond. 21 00:01:25,083 --> 00:01:27,827 (Questioner) That's true, but if I have an intent 22 00:01:27,827 --> 00:01:30,680 but don't get the expected reaction, then I feel... 23 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,228 (Sunim) Isn't that normal? (Questioner) Yes, I agree. 24 00:01:33,228 --> 00:01:37,701 (Sunim) If you think that is normal, you shouldn't feel discouraged. 25 00:01:37,701 --> 00:01:43,388 Rather, it seems you expect, "If I speak, you should respond." 26 00:01:43,388 --> 00:01:47,604 You are feeling discouraged when that expectation isn't met. 27 00:01:47,604 --> 00:01:51,168 Whether to respond or not, is their choice. 28 00:01:51,168 --> 00:01:54,538 If you don't expect anything, there's no need to feel discouraged. 29 00:01:54,538 --> 00:01:57,240 Speak your piece and be done. 30 00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,434 They are not required to show reactions. 31 00:01:59,434 --> 00:02:04,392 If you have to force enthusiasm from your friends, 32 00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:07,092 they are not true friends. 33 00:02:07,092 --> 00:02:10,495 That is not a good way to build friendships. 34 00:02:10,495 --> 00:02:14,777 (Questioner) I find myself separated from the rest of the group 35 00:02:14,777 --> 00:02:17,250 while they're talking and enjoying themselves. 36 00:02:17,250 --> 00:02:19,082 (Sunim) Why is that leaving you out? 37 00:02:19,082 --> 00:02:22,047 I have a friend who hardly talks. 38 00:02:22,047 --> 00:02:26,286 Whenever we're together, he stays quiet but smiles. 39 00:02:26,286 --> 00:02:31,064 He just complies here and there with a smile. 40 00:02:31,064 --> 00:02:33,523 He mingles with the group very well. 41 00:02:33,523 --> 00:02:38,663 You either want to be a leader in control, 42 00:02:38,663 --> 00:02:41,530 or desire to be the most popular person in the group. 43 00:02:41,530 --> 00:02:44,107 That is not friendship. 44 00:02:44,107 --> 00:02:50,510 True friends have fun, listen, laugh, and sympathize with each other. 45 00:02:50,510 --> 00:02:57,097 Why does friendship need so much talking? Why do you want to talk so much? 46 00:02:57,097 --> 00:03:06,850 Why do you feel the need to take the lead amongst friends? 47 00:03:06,850 --> 00:03:11,757 (Questioner) It's not so much that, but, how can I say this... 48 00:03:11,757 --> 00:03:13,439 be the life of the party? 49 00:03:13,439 --> 00:03:15,838 (Sunim) Why should you be the center of attention? 50 00:03:15,838 --> 00:03:18,202 (Audience Laughter) (Questioner) That's true. 51 00:03:18,202 --> 00:03:22,416 (Sunim) Being the life of the party is no different than wanting more control. 52 00:03:22,416 --> 00:03:24,794 Only difference is you are mixing in some English. 53 00:03:24,794 --> 00:03:30,579 (Audience Laughter) I can tell even though I don't know English. 54 00:03:30,579 --> 00:03:34,307 You have to let go of that kind of desire amongst friends. 55 00:03:34,307 --> 00:03:43,034 Should you have to practice or think of what to say before you meet your friend? 56 00:03:43,034 --> 00:03:46,407 You shouldn't. If you have nothing to say, stay quiet. 57 00:03:46,407 --> 00:03:51,942 Or you can listen and smile, or talk if you have anything to say. 58 00:03:51,942 --> 00:03:54,707 If one person mainly leads the friendship, 59 00:03:54,707 --> 00:03:59,430 or is predominantly popular, the friendship suffers. 60 00:03:59,430 --> 00:04:03,250 Friendship is about equality. That's how friends should be. 61 00:04:03,250 --> 00:04:06,995 Does not drinking make you less of a drinking buddy? Not true. 62 00:04:06,995 --> 00:04:12,951 Friends love you even if you don't drink, as long as you're buying, right? 63 00:04:12,951 --> 00:04:13,846 they're happy, right? (Audience laughter) 64 00:04:13,846 --> 00:04:17,397 You can go to those gatherings anytime and pay for the drinks 65 00:04:17,397 --> 00:04:20,050 without having to drink yourself. 66 00:04:20,050 --> 00:04:23,080 But thinking that not being able to drink 67 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,670 makes someone a bad friend is completely wrong. 68 00:04:26,670 --> 00:04:29,460 Just as there are friends who smoke even if you don't. 69 00:04:29,460 --> 00:04:31,430 There used to be many who smoked. 70 00:04:31,430 --> 00:04:37,158 If someone wants to smoke and you don't mind, 71 00:04:37,158 --> 00:04:40,530 you can light their cigarette for them without smoking yourself. 72 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:44,350 The questioner has the wrong mindset. 73 00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:47,410 Friendship should be based on equality. 74 00:04:47,410 --> 00:04:49,530 The essence of friendship is equality. 75 00:04:49,530 --> 00:04:54,465 Whether you're a senator or holding a high position, 76 00:04:54,465 --> 00:05:00,622 flaunting wealth or status to friends breeds resentment. 77 00:05:00,622 --> 00:05:06,080 Friendship is rooted in equality, so letting go of such notions 78 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:10,165 would resolve any issues. It's unnecessary to sulk alone 79 00:05:10,165 --> 00:05:13,320 in a corner all day. If you don't feel like speaking, 80 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,421 simply make eye contact and stay silent. 81 00:05:16,421 --> 00:05:24,314 Always nodding along and speaking if asked. 82 00:05:24,314 --> 00:05:27,025 Is this difficult to do? 83 00:05:27,025 --> 00:05:29,827 (Questioner) You're right, thank you. 84 00:05:29,827 --> 00:05:33,035 (Sunim) Sure. (Audience Applause)