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<Essence of Friendship Is Equality>

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(Questioner) I want to thank you[br]for your helpful Dharma Talks.

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(Sunim) Sure.

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(Questioner) My question is, when I'm with[br]my friends and talk to them,

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there is a lack of reaction,[br]which brings the mood down.

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Then, the conversation gets boring.

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I try hard to get along, [br]but the more I try,

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the more timid [br]and withdrawn I get.

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Now, instead of going out [br]to meet people,

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I prefer spending time[br]alone at home.

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The more I try to talk with people,[br]I feel more intimidated and uncomfortable.

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I don't know how to fix this,[br]or how to shift my perspective.

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That's my concern.

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(Sunim) Why do you[br]feel intimidated?

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(Questioner) It's just...

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When they seem unimpressed,[br]I feel like they don't care about me.

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Thoughts like, "Why bother?" [br]I feel deflated and insignificant.

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(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged[br]according to other's reactions?

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(Questioner) Yes.

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(Sunim) But they don't have[br]any obligation to respond.

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(Questioner) That's true, [br]but if I have an intent

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but don't get the expected reaction, [br]then I feel...

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(Sunim) Isn't that normal?[br](Questioner) Yes, I agree.

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(Sunim) If you think that is normal,[br]you shouldn't feel discouraged.

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Rather, it seems you expect,[br]"If I speak, you should respond."

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You are feeling discouraged [br]when that expectation isn't met.

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Whether to respond or not,[br]is their choice.

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If you don't expect anything,[br]there's no need to feel discouraged.

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Speak your piece[br]and be done.

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They are not required[br]to show reactions.

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If you have to force enthusiasm[br]from your friends,

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they are not true friends.

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That is not a good way[br]to build friendships.

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(Questioner) I find myself separated[br]from the rest of the group

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while they're talking[br]and enjoying themselves.

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(Sunim) Why is that [br]leaving you out?

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I have a friend who hardly talks.

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Whenever we're together,[br]he stays quiet but smiles.

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He just complies here [br]and there with a smile.

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He mingles with [br]the group very well.

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You either want to be[br]a leader in control,

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or desire to be the most popular[br]person in the group.

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That is not friendship.

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True friends have fun, listen, laugh, [br]and sympathize with each other.

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Why does friendship need so much talking?[br]Why do you want to talk so much?

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Why do you feel the need to [br]take the lead amongst friends?

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(Questioner) It's not so much that, [br]but, how can I say this...

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be the life of the party?

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(Sunim) Why should you be [br]the center of attention?

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(Audience Laughter)[br](Questioner) That's true.

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(Sunim) Being the life of the party is[br]no different than wanting more control.

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Only difference is [br]you are mixing in some English.

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(Audience Laughter) I can tell [br]even though I don't know English.

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You have to let go of that kind of [br]desire amongst friends.

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Should you have to practice or think of[br]what to say before you meet your friend?

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You shouldn't. [br]If you have nothing to say, stay quiet.

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Or you can listen and smile,[br]or talk if you have anything to say.

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Between friends, one does[br]not have to lead.

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Seeking to lead, control, or [br]gain popularity, friendships suffer.

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Friendship is about equality, [br]that's what friendship is.

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Not drinking doesn't make you [br]any less of a friend.

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It's a lie to say otherwise [br]to a drinking buddy.

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Even if you don't touch a drop, [br]as long as you're paying for it,

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they're happy, right? [br](Audience laughter)

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You can go to those gatherings [br]anytime and pay for the drinks

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without having to drink yourself.[br]

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But thinking that [br]not being able to drink

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makes someone a bad friend [br]is completely wrong.

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Just as there are friends [br]who smoke even if you don't.

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There used to be [br]many who smoked.

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If someone wants to smoke [br]and you don't mind,

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you can light their cigarette [br]for them without smoking yourself.

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The questioner has[br]the wrong mindset.

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Friendship should be [br]based on equality.

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The essence of friendship[br]is equality.

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Whether you're a senator[br]or holding a high position,

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flaunting wealth or status to [br]friends breeds resentment.

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Friendship is rooted in equality, [br]so letting go of such notions

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would resolve any issues.[br]It's unnecessary to sulk alone

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in a corner all day.[br]If you don't feel like speaking,

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simply make eye [br]contact and stay silent.

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Always nodding along [br]and speaking if asked.

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Is this difficult to do?

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(Questioner) You're right, thank you.

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(Sunim) Sure.[br](Audience Applause)