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<Essence of Friendship Is Equality>

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(Questioner) I want to thank you
for your helpful Dharma Talks.

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(Sunim) Sure.

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(Questioner) My question is, when I'm with
my friends and talk to them,

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there is a lack of reaction,
which brings the mood down.

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Then, the conversation gets boring.

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I try hard to get along, 
but the more I try,

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the more timid 
and withdrawn I get.

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Now, instead of going out 
to meet people,

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I prefer spending time
alone at home.

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The more I try to talk with people,
I feel more intimidated and uncomfortable.

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I don't know how to fix this,
or how to shift my perspective.

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That's my concern.

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(Sunim) Why do you
feel intimidated?

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(Questioner) It's just...

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When they seem unimpressed,
I feel like they don't care about me.

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Thoughts like, "Why bother?" 
I feel deflated and insignificant.

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(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged
according to other's reactions?

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(Questioner) Yes.

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(Sunim) But they don't have
any obligation to respond.

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(Questioner) That's true, 
but if I have an intent

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but don't get the expected reaction, 
then I feel...

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(Sunim) Isn't that normal?
(Questioner) Yes, I agree.

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(Sunim) If you think that is normal,
you shouldn't feel discouraged.

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Rather, it seems you expect,
"If I speak, you should respond."

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You are feeling discouraged 
when that expectation isn't met.

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Whether to respond or not,
is their choice.

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If you don't expect anything,
there's no need to feel discouraged.

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Speak your piece
and be done.

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They are not required
to show reactions.

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If you have to force enthusiasm
from your friends,

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they are not true friends.

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That is not a good way
to build friendships.

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(Questioner) I find myself separated
from the rest of the group

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while they're talking
and enjoying themselves.

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(Sunim) Why is that 
leaving you out?

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I have a friend who hardly talks.

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Whenever we're together,
he stays quiet but smiles.

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He just complies here 
and there with a smile.

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He mingles with 
the group very well.

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You either want to be
a leader in control,

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or desire to be the most popular
person in the group.

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That is not friendship.

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True friends have fun, listen, laugh, 
and sympathize with each other.

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That's all you need to do.
Why do you want to talk so much?

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What reason is there to always 
take the lead amongst friends?

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(Questioner) Not so much the 
leadership but more of

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a life of the party....

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(Sunim) Why should you be 
the center of the party?

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(Audience Laughter)

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(Sunim) Trying to be the life
of the party means you want

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to have the control of your
get togethers, it's the same,

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Only difference is you 
are mixing in some English.

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(Audience Laughter)

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You have to let go of that desire.
Amongst friends, you should not

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have to practice or think of
what to say before you meet.

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Do you? If you have 
something to say, say it.

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Or you can listen to 
others and smile.

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Between friends, one does
not have to lead.

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Seeking to lead, control, or 
gain popularity, friendships suffer.

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Friendship is about equality, 
that's what friendship is.

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Not drinking doesn't make you 
any less of a friend.

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It's a lie to say otherwise 
to a drinking buddy.

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Even if you don't touch a drop, 
as long as you're paying for it,

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they're happy, right? 
(Audience laughter)

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You can go to those gatherings 
anytime and pay for the drinks

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without having to drink yourself.


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But thinking that 
not being able to drink

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makes someone a bad friend 
is completely wrong.

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Just as there are friends 
who smoke even if you don't.

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There used to be 
many who smoked.

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If someone wants to smoke 
and you don't mind,

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you can light their cigarette 
for them without smoking yourself.

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The questioner has
the wrong mindset.

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Friendship should be 
based on equality.

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The essence of friendship
is equality.

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Whether you're a senator
or holding a high position,

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flaunting wealth or status to 
friends breeds resentment.

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Friendship is rooted in equality, 
so letting go of such notions

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would resolve any issues.
It's unnecessary to sulk alone

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in a corner all day.
If you don't feel like speaking,

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simply make eye 
contact and stay silent.

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Always nodding along 
and speaking if asked.

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Is this difficult to do?

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(Questioner) You're right, thank you.

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(Sunim) Sure.
(Audience Applause)