<Essence of Friendship Is Equality>
(Questioner) I want to thank you for your helpful Dharma Talks.
(Sunim) Sure.
(Questioner) My question is, when I'm with my friends and talk to them,
there is a lack of reaction, which brings the mood down.
Then, the conversation gets boring.
I try hard to get along, but the more I try,
the more timid and withdrawn I get.
Now, instead of going out to meet people,
I prefer spending time alone at home.
The more I try to talk with people, I feel more intimidated and uncomfortable.
I don't know how to fix this, or how to shift my perspective.
That's my concern.
(Sunim) Why do you feel intimidated?
(Questioner) It's just...
When they seem unimpressed, I feel like they don't care about me.
Thoughts like, "Why bother?" I feel deflated and insignificant.
(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged according to other's reactions?
(Questioner) Yes.
(Sunim) But they don't have any obligation to respond.
(Questioner) They don't. But if they don't react
as I expected, then I feel dispirited.
(Sunim) Isn't it normal? (Questioner) Yes, I agree.
(Sunim) If you think that is normal, you shouldn't feel discouraged.
But rather you expect, "If I speak, you should respond."
If that expectation isn't met, then you feel discouraged.
Whether to respond or not, is their choice.
If you don't expect any, no need to feel discouraged.
Speak your piece and be done.
They are not required to show reactions.
If you have to force energetic reactions out of friends,
those are not true friends.
Tthat is not a good way to build friendships.
(Questioner) I find myself separated from the rest of the
people while others are enjoying themselves.
(Sunim) Why? I have a friend who hardly talks.
Whenever we're together, he stays quiet but smiles.
He just says yes here and there with smile,
and mingles with the group very well.
You either want to be a leader in control,
or desire to be the most popular person in the group.
That is not being a friend. You let your friends have
fun, listen, agree and smile, that's a friend.
That's all you need to do. Why do you want to talk so much?
What reason is there to always take the lead amongst friends?
(Questioner) Not so much the leadership but more of
a life of the party....
(Sunim) Why should you be the center of the party?
(Audience Laughter)
(Sunim) Trying to be the life of the party means you want
to have the control of your get togethers, it's the same,
Only difference is you are mixing in some English.
(Audience Laughter)
You have to let go of that desire. Amongst friends, you should not
have to practice or think of what to say before you meet.
Do you? If you have something to say, say it.
Or you can listen to others and smile.
Between friends, one does not have to lead.
Seeking to lead, control, or gain popularity, friendships suffer.
Friendship is about equality, that's what friendship is.
Not drinking doesn't make you any less of a friend.
It's a lie to say otherwise to a drinking buddy.
Even if you don't touch a drop, as long as you're paying for it,
they're happy, right? (Audience laughter)
You can go to those gatherings anytime and pay for the drinks
without having to drink yourself.
But thinking that not being able to drink
makes someone a bad friend is completely wrong.
Just as there are friends who smoke even if you don't.
There used to be many who smoked.
If someone wants to smoke and you don't mind,
you can light their cigarette for them without smoking yourself.
The questioner has the wrong mindset.
Friendship should be based on equality.
The essence of friendship is equality.
Whether you're a senator or holding a high position,
flaunting wealth or status to friends breeds resentment.
Friendship is rooted in equality, so letting go of such notions
would resolve any issues. It's unnecessary to sulk alone
in a corner all day. If you don't feel like speaking,
simply make eye contact and stay silent.
Always nodding along and speaking if asked.
Is this difficult to do?
(Questioner) You're right, thank you.
(Sunim) Sure. (Audience Applause)