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<Essence of Friendship Is Equality>

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(Questioner) I want to thank you[br]for your helpful Dharma Talks.

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(Sunim) Sure.

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(Questioner) My question is, when I'm with[br]my friends and talk to them,

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there is a lack of reaction,[br]which brings the mood down.

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Then, the conversation gets boring.

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I try hard to get along, [br]but the more I try, the more

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I get timid and withdrawn.

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Instead of going out to meet[br]people right now,

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I prefer to spend time[br]alone at home.

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The more I try to talk with people,[br]I feel more withdrawn.

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I don't know how to go[br]about this.

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That's my concern right now[br]and the question for you.

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(Sunim) Why do you[br]feel withdrawn?

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(Questioner) Just happens...[br]When the response gets tepid,

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I feel like they are indifferent[br]to whatever I am saying.

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And I think, "Why am I doing this?"[br]I feel deflated and insignificant.

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(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged[br]according to people's reactions?

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(Questioner) Yes.

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(Sunim) But they don't have[br]any obligation to respond.

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(Questioner) They don't.[br]But if they don't react

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as I expected, then[br]I feel dispirited.

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(Sunim) Isn't it normal?[br](Questioner) Yes, I agree.

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(Sunim) If you think that is normal,[br]you shouldn't feel discouraged.

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But rather you expect,[br]"If I speak, you should respond."

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If that expectation isn't met, [br]then you feel discouraged.

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Whether to respond or not,[br]is their choice.

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If you don't expect any,[br]no need to feel discouraged.

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Speak your piece[br]and be done.

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They are not required[br]to show reactions.

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If you have to force energetic [br]reactions out of friends,

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those are not [br]true friends.

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Tthat is not a good way[br]to build friendships.

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(Questioner) I find myself[br]separated from the rest of the

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people while others [br]are enjoying themselves.

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(Sunim) Why? I have a[br]friend who hardly talks.

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Whenever we're together,[br]he stays quiet but smiles.

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He just says yes here [br]and there with smile,

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and mingles with [br]the group very well.

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You either want to be[br]a leader in control,

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or desire to be the most popular[br]person in the group.

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That is not being a friend.[br]You let your friends have

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fun, listen, agree and[br]smile, that's a friend.

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That's all you need to do.[br]Why do you want to talk so much?

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What reason is there to always [br]take the lead amongst friends?

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(Questioner) Not so much the [br]leadership but more of

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a life of the party....

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(Sunim) Why should you be [br]the center of the party?

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(Audience Laughter)

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(Sunim) Trying to be the life[br]of the party means you want

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to have the control of your[br]get togethers, it's the same,

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Only difference is you [br]are mixing in some English.

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(Audience Laughter)

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You have to let go of that desire.[br]Amongst friends, you should not

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have to practice or think of[br]what to say before you meet.

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Do you? If you have [br]something to say, say it.

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Or you can listen to [br]others and smile.

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Between friends, one does[br]not have to lead.

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Seeking to lead, control, or [br]gain popularity, friendships suffer.

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Friendship is about equality, [br]that's what friendship is.

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Not drinking doesn't make you [br]any less of a friend.

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It's a lie to say otherwise [br]to a drinking buddy.

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Even if you don't touch a drop, [br]as long as you're paying for it,

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they're happy, right? [br](Audience laughter)

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You can go to those gatherings [br]anytime and pay for the drinks

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without having to drink yourself.[br]

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But thinking that [br]not being able to drink

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makes someone a bad friend [br]is completely wrong.

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Just as there are friends [br]who smoke even if you don't.

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There used to be [br]many who smoked.

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If someone wants to smoke [br]and you don't mind,

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you can light their cigarette [br]for them without smoking yourself.

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The questioner has[br]the wrong mindset.

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Friendship should be [br]based on equality.

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The essence of friendship[br]is equality.

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Whether you're a senator[br]or holding a high position,

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flaunting wealth or status to [br]friends breeds resentment.

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Friendship is rooted in equality, [br]so letting go of such notions

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would resolve any issues.[br]It's unnecessary to sulk alone

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in a corner all day.[br]If you don't feel like speaking,

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simply make eye [br]contact and stay silent.

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Always nodding along [br]and speaking if asked.

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Is this difficult to do?

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(Questioner) You're right, thank you.

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(Sunim) Sure.[br](Audience Applause)