WEBVTT

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每一年淨喺美國

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就有 2,077,000 對新人

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作出法律同信仰嘅承諾

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同另一半一齊度過一生一世

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（臺下笑聲）

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同以後唔再同其他人上床

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男嘅就買戒指，女嘅就揀好婚紗

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兩個人一齊買嘢

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女方會帶男方到舞蹈會所一齊學社交舞

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最後大日子降臨

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佢哋會喺神同家人

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仲有女方爸爸以往嘅生意夥伴面前發誓

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無論貧窮、絕症、不幸

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都動搖唔到男女雙方嘅愛同承諾

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（臺下笑聲）

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呢啲天真嘅後生仔女

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承諾無論係更年期

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中年危機或者肥胖

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都願意同甘共苦、守望相助

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直至其中一個安息

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（笑聲）

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因為佢哋唔使再忍受對方嘅鼻鼾聲

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婚禮當日，佢哋會變成醉貓

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仲會向對方嘅面掟蛋糕
同一齊跳 Marcarena 舞

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而我哋所有朋友會企喺一邊

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向佢哋一齊拉禮炮開香檳

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然後飲免費喜酒

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仲有祝一對新人百年好合

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雖然，我哋知道

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根據統計

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有一半嘅新人十年之內會離婚

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（臺下笑聲）

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當然，另外半數嘅新人唔會，啱唔啱？

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佢哋會一路唔記得結婚週年紀念日

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仲會為咗去邊度度假起爭執

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甚至爭論究竟要將廁紙卷
向上拉定向下拉

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但係有一部分夫妻

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當兩個都唔可以再食固體食物時

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都依然享受二人生活

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研究員想知道呢啲夫婦點做到

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我嘅意思係，唔需要做
雙盲或者假藥嘅研究

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先至了解到一份婚姻點解會失敗︰

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唔尊重、無聊

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用太多時間喺 Facebook

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同其他人發生性關係，都係原因

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但係上述四樣嘢係可以調返轉︰

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尊重、刺激

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上唔到網

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同埋必須遵守嘅一夫一妻制

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但就算做足呢四樣嘢
婚姻都未必維持到

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咁樣，嗰啲成功嘅婚姻
到底係點樣維繫嘅呢？

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嗰啲白頭到老嘅夫婦有啲咩共同之處？

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佢哋係點樣做到嘅？

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我哋要點樣向佢哋學習？

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再者，如果你仲係單身而又快樂

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咁點解你要放棄原有嘅生活

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去搵一個會令你下半世
都不得安寧嘅另一半？

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研究員用咗你哋嘅納稅錢
嘗試揾出箇中原因

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佢哋跟蹤嗰啲幸福小夫妻

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觀察佢哋嘅一舉一動，包括特殊癖好

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然後佢哋揾出有咩因素令佢哋與別不同

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得以避免重蹈鄰居同朋友嘅覆轍

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最後得出來嘅結果係

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呢啲成功故事嘅共同點

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唔止係唔會對另一半不忠

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舉例，成功嘅婚姻關係

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太太通常會比丈夫來得瘦同好睇

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（臺下笑聲）

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顯然係啱嘅

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顯然呢個係成功婚姻嘅要素

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因為女人注重身形同外貌

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而男人只對性有興趣

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而且最好係身形同外觀比自己好嘅女人

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呢個研究有一樣嘢可取︰

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就係冇話女人一定要瘦至幸福

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我哋淨係需要比另一半瘦就得啦

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所以與其試勻所有節食同運動嘅方法

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我哋淨係需要等另一半變肥

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（笑聲）

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或者我哋可以整多幾個批

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呢個係好消息

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亦唔係咁複雜難明

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（笑聲）

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研究同時指出

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幸福夫妻只會睇正面嘅嘢

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例如，一位幸福嘅太太

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與其指出丈夫嘅肚腩有幾大

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或者建議佢去跑步

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佢會講

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「嘩，親愛嘅，

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多謝你任由自己嘅身形走樣
嚟令到我瘦啲。」

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（笑聲）

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呢啲夫婦會喺任何情況
都會向好嘅一面睇

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「啱啊，

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一場大火燒曬，

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但係喺星空之下瞓覺都唔錯啊。

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有你身上嘅肥肉真係太好啦，

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可以保暖我哋。」

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我最鐘意嘅研究顯示

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老公越係肯去做家務

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老婆越係覺得老公有吸引力

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因為我哋正需要研究
話畀我哋知呢樣嘢……

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（笑聲）

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成個流程就係

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老婆越係覺得老公吸引
就越係願意做愛

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佢哋越係做得多愛
老公就越係對老婆好

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老公越對老婆好

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老婆就越唔會埋怨佢喺床上亂放濕毛巾

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咁佢哋就會長長久久喺埋一齊

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換言之，男士們︰

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你哋應該返去屋企改下嘞

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有個研究好有趣

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有個研究顯示

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人喺童年影相嘅時候笑
就越唔會離婚

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呢個研究係真嘅

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等我澄清一下︰

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呢啲研究員唔係睇啲人
對自己童年開心程度畀幾多分

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或者研究舊文獻

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研究數據係完全基於

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研究對象喺相入邊睇起來開唔開心

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我唔清楚各位嘅年齡

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但我仲係細個陣

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父母影相嘅時候會攞一部特別嘅相機

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裏面裝住叫一樣嘢叫菲林嘅嘢

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菲林好貴嘅

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菲林亦唔冇得用快門連拍三百張

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然後畀你揀笑容最燦爛嘅一張
來做聖誕卡

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你就想啦

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攝影師只會幫你著靚件衫，企好

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再叫你喺佢嘅要求底下
喺架爛鬼相機面前笑

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或者你可以做吻別生日派對嘅姿勢

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但係，我仍然有一大堆
虛偽嘅童年開心照

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但我好開心

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因為根據研究我會冇咁容易離婚

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咁仲又有咩可以維繫你嘅婚姻呢？

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千奇唔好攞奧斯卡最佳女演員獎

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（臺下笑聲）

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我係認真嘅

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Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford,
Hallie Berry, Hillary Swank

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Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon

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佢哋全部喺攞完獎之後就離婚

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啲人稱呢個係奧斯卡詛咒

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佢係婚姻嘅終結之物

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係一定要避免嘅嘢

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但呢唔係淨淨係攞演藝獎先至危險

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連睇齣愛情喜劇都一樣會令關係破碎

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（臺下笑聲）

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顯然

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睇齣愛情喜劇搞到關係破裂呢樣嘢
未試過喺我哋身上發生

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亦唔太可能發生

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但喜劇亦令我哋現實生活睇起嚟更慘

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理論上

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如果我哋反而揀一齣有謀殺案

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或者汽車爆炸死人嘅戲睇

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我哋離開戲院嗰陣

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反而覺得自己幾好呀

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（笑聲）

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飲酒睇起來會破壞婚姻

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係啊

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飲酒我講唔到啲咩

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因為我讀完個標題就冇再讀落去

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但係跟住落嚟就更恐怖：

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離婚係會傳染嘅

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非常正確。當你嘅朋友選擇離婚

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你自己離婚嘅幾率會上升 75%

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但我又唔太贊同呢一點

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我同我老公身邊嘅好多朋友
都係離婚分家收場

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然後到咗我哋咁嘅年紀

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面對呢個色情聊天、偉哥
同用網上戀愛交友盛行嘅年代

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好辛苦咁做返單身

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我自己興幸可以以朋友為鑒

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而唔需要終身婚姻質詢

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宜家你會諗，點解要結婚？

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基本上美國政府會對已婚者

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提供超過一千項福利

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包括另一半坐監時探監嘅權利

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——但我諗你哋唔需要呢樣啦

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除咗呢啲福利

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已婚夫婦嘅收入更高

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身體更健康

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心智更開朗

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我哋可以培育更健康、更穩重
同更成功嘅下一代

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信唔信都好，我哋比單身嘅朋友
有更多嘅性生活

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我哋活得更長命

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你亦可以用長命做理由
同你心儀嘅人講「我要同你結婚」

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（笑聲）

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宜家你可能體驗唔到
夫婦共同報稅嘅好處

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我教唔到你點揾到一個鐘意做家務

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有幾乎理想嘅身材同魅力

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又鐘意睇恐怖片

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但身邊又唔多離婚嘅朋友嘅男人或女人

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但係我只係可以建議你試一試

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因為好處——正如我所講

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對你好有影響

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重點係︰無論你已婚
或者仲喺度揾另一半

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我相信婚姻係一個

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值得去經營同維護嘅公司

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所以我希望你哋可以善用今日學到嘅嘢

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用自己嘅強項嚟抗衡自己嘅風險

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例如，我覺得我個人嘅婚姻尚可啦

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喺一方面

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我老公嘅身材冇得頂

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仲好英俊

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所以我絕對有需要谷肥佢

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正如我所講

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我哋有離婚嘅朋友秘密
或者無意咁想拆散我哋

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所以我哋要多加留意人哋嘅一舉一動

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我哋有時仲會歎一兩杯雞尾酒

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喺另一方面

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我有好多假開心相

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我老公又會不停咁做家務

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亦喺有生之年樂意唔睇愛情喜劇

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於是我擁有美好婚姻嘅一切

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但為咗以防萬一

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我會更加努力唔攞奧斯卡獎

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你哋為咗自己嘅婚姻

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我建議你哋都做同樣嘅事

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做完之後，我哋下次出嚟飲酒傾

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（掌聲）