0:00:00.000,0:00:03.446
Every year in the United States alone,

0:00:03.470,0:00:09.962
2,077,000 couples make[br]a legal and spiritual decision

0:00:09.986,0:00:13.216
to spend the rest[br]of their lives together --

0:00:13.882,0:00:15.032
(Laughter)

0:00:15.056,0:00:18.484
And not to have sex with anyone else.

0:00:19.500,0:00:20.714
Ever.

0:00:21.140,0:00:23.815
He buys a ring, she buys a dress.

0:00:24.799,0:00:28.216
They go shopping for all sorts of things.

0:00:28.240,0:00:32.755
She takes him to Arthur Murray[br]for ballroom-dancing lessons.

0:00:33.688,0:00:35.220
And the big day comes.

0:00:35.244,0:00:38.144
And they'll stand before God and family

0:00:38.168,0:00:41.108
and some guy her dad[br]once did business with,

0:00:41.132,0:00:43.717
and they'll vow that nothing --

0:00:43.741,0:00:46.021
not abject poverty,

0:00:46.045,0:00:48.169
not life-threatening illness,

0:00:48.193,0:00:51.605
not complete and utter misery --

0:00:51.629,0:00:56.959
will ever put the tiniest damper[br]on their eternal love and devotion.

0:00:56.983,0:00:58.731
(Laughter)

0:00:58.755,0:01:03.041
These optimistic young bastards[br]promise to honor and cherish each other

0:01:03.065,0:01:06.868
through hot flashes and midlife crises

0:01:06.892,0:01:10.332
and a cumulative 50-pound weight gain,

0:01:10.356,0:01:17.323
until that far-off day, when one of them[br]is finally able to rest in peace.

0:01:17.415,0:01:18.565
(Laughter)

0:01:18.589,0:01:21.184
You know, because they can't hear[br]the snoring anymore.

0:01:21.527,0:01:23.331
And then they'll get stupid drunk

0:01:23.355,0:01:26.459
and smash cake in each other's faces[br]and do the Macarena.

0:01:26.483,0:01:28.086
And we'll be there,

0:01:28.110,0:01:32.520
showering them with towels and toasters[br]and drinking their free booze

0:01:32.544,0:01:35.905
and throwing birdseed at them[br]every single time ...

0:01:36.718,0:01:40.404
even though we know, statistically,

0:01:40.428,0:01:43.523
half of them will be divorced[br]within a decade.

0:01:43.547,0:01:45.198
(Laughter)

0:01:46.126,0:01:48.809
Of course, the other half won't, right?

0:01:48.833,0:01:51.808
They'll keep forgetting anniversaries

0:01:51.832,0:01:54.320
and arguing about where to spend holidays

0:01:54.344,0:01:55.507
and debating --

0:01:55.531,0:01:56.599
(Laughter)

0:01:56.623,0:02:00.053
Which way the toilet paper[br]should come off of the roll.

0:02:00.787,0:02:06.277
And some of them will even still[br]be enjoying each other's company

0:02:06.301,0:02:09.112
when neither of them can chew[br]solid food anymore.

0:02:09.749,0:02:12.645
And researchers want to know why.

0:02:12.669,0:02:16.177
I mean, look -- it doesn't take[br]a double-blind, placebo-controlled study

0:02:16.201,0:02:19.136
to figure out what makes[br]a marriage not work:

0:02:19.160,0:02:21.617
disrespect, boredom,

0:02:22.403,0:02:24.129
too much time on Facebook,

0:02:24.153,0:02:26.169
having sex with other people.

0:02:26.193,0:02:29.703
But you can have the exact[br]opposite of all of those things --

0:02:29.727,0:02:32.471
respect, excitement,

0:02:32.495,0:02:34.666
a broken Internet connection,

0:02:34.690,0:02:37.786
mind-numbing monogamy --

0:02:38.550,0:02:41.303
and the thing still can go[br]to hell in a handbasket.

0:02:41.723,0:02:44.257
So, what's going on when it doesn't?

0:02:45.210,0:02:49.230
What do the folks who make it all the way[br]to side-by-side burial plots

0:02:49.254,0:02:50.817
have in common?

0:02:50.841,0:02:52.551
What are they doing right?

0:02:52.575,0:02:54.801
What can we learn from them?

0:02:55.499,0:02:59.258
And if you're still happily sleeping solo,

0:02:59.282,0:03:03.694
why should you stop what you're doing[br]and make it your life's work

0:03:03.718,0:03:06.411
to find that one special person

0:03:06.435,0:03:08.976
that you can annoy[br]for the rest of your life?

0:03:09.569,0:03:12.789
Well, researchers spend[br]billions of your tax dollars

0:03:12.813,0:03:14.649
trying to figure that out.

0:03:14.673,0:03:16.640
They stalk blissful couples

0:03:16.664,0:03:19.866
and study their every move and mannerism.

0:03:19.890,0:03:23.678
And they try to pinpoint[br]what it is that sets them apart

0:03:23.702,0:03:25.945
from their miserable[br]neighbors and friends.

0:03:25.969,0:03:31.675
And it turns out, the success stories[br]share a few similarities,

0:03:31.802,0:03:34.381
beyond that they don't have sex[br]with other people.

0:03:34.928,0:03:37.953
For instance, in the happiest marriages,

0:03:37.977,0:03:39.815
the wife is thinner and better-looking

0:03:39.839,0:03:41.005
than the husband.

0:03:41.029,0:03:42.119
(Laughter)

0:03:42.143,0:03:44.360
Obvious. Right?

0:03:44.384,0:03:46.896
It's obvious that this leads[br]to marital bliss,

0:03:46.920,0:03:50.573
because women -- we care a great deal[br]about being thin and good-looking,

0:03:50.597,0:03:52.976
whereas men mostly care about sex,

0:03:54.122,0:03:57.634
ideally, with women who are thinner[br]and better looking than they are.

0:03:58.241,0:03:59.988
The beauty of this research, though,

0:04:00.012,0:04:03.488
is that no one is suggesting[br]that women have to be thin to be happy.

0:04:04.289,0:04:06.699
We just have to be thinner[br]than our partners.

0:04:06.723,0:04:11.223
So instead of all that laborious[br]dieting and exercising,

0:04:11.247,0:04:13.454
we just need to wait[br]for them to get fat --

0:04:13.478,0:04:14.750
(Laughter)

0:04:14.774,0:04:16.648
Maybe bake a few pies.

0:04:16.672,0:04:20.025
This is good information to have,[br]and it's not that complicated.

0:04:20.049,0:04:21.075
(Laughter)

0:04:21.099,0:04:23.211
Research also suggests

0:04:23.235,0:04:28.426
that the happiest couples are the ones[br]that focus on the positives.

0:04:28.450,0:04:30.014
For example: the happy wife.

0:04:30.038,0:04:32.380
Instead of pointing out[br]her husband's growing gut

0:04:32.404,0:04:34.965
or suggesting he go for a run,

0:04:34.989,0:04:36.334
she might say,

0:04:36.358,0:04:39.642
"Wow, honey, thank you[br]for going out of your way

0:04:39.666,0:04:41.533
to make me relatively thinner."

0:04:41.557,0:04:42.561
(Laughter)

0:04:42.585,0:04:45.770
These are couples[br]who can find good in any situation.

0:04:45.794,0:04:49.796
"Yeah, it was devastating[br]when we lost everything in that fire.

0:04:51.046,0:04:53.845
But it's kind of nice sleeping[br]out here under the stars.

0:04:53.869,0:04:57.071
And it's a good thing you've got[br]all that body fat to keep us warm."

0:04:57.095,0:04:58.298
(Laughter)

0:04:58.322,0:05:00.220
One of my favorite studies found

0:05:00.244,0:05:03.371
that the more willing[br]a husband is to do housework,

0:05:03.395,0:05:05.677
the more attractive[br]his wife will find him.

0:05:07.162,0:05:09.399
Because we needed a study to tell us this.

0:05:09.423,0:05:10.695
(Laughter)

0:05:10.719,0:05:12.255
But here's what's going on here.

0:05:12.279,0:05:15.419
The more attractive she finds him,[br]the more sex they have;

0:05:15.443,0:05:17.865
the more sex they have,[br]the nicer he is to her;

0:05:17.889,0:05:19.589
the nicer he is to her,

0:05:19.613,0:05:22.423
the less she nags him[br]about leaving wet towels on the bed,

0:05:22.447,0:05:25.124
and ultimately,[br]they live happily ever after.

0:05:25.549,0:05:28.935
In other words, men,[br]you might want to pick it up a notch

0:05:28.959,0:05:30.481
in the domestic department.

0:05:31.600,0:05:32.989
Here's an interesting one.

0:05:33.365,0:05:38.422
One study found that people[br]who smile in childhood photographs

0:05:38.446,0:05:40.338
are less likely to get a divorce.

0:05:41.584,0:05:44.425
This is an actual study,[br]and let me clarify:

0:05:44.449,0:05:47.730
the researchers were not looking[br]at documented self-reports

0:05:47.754,0:05:49.034
of childhood happiness,

0:05:49.058,0:05:51.086
or even studying old journals.

0:05:51.110,0:05:55.681
The data were based entirely[br]on whether people looked happy

0:05:55.705,0:05:56.999
in these early pictures.

0:05:57.786,0:06:02.287
Now, I don't know how old all of you are,[br]but when I was a kid,

0:06:02.311,0:06:05.025
your parents took pictures[br]with a special kind of camera

0:06:05.049,0:06:06.902
that held something called "film."

0:06:07.800,0:06:10.351
And, by God, film was expensive.

0:06:11.504,0:06:16.284
They didn't take 300 shots of you[br]in that rapid-fire digital video mode

0:06:16.308,0:06:20.040
and then pick out the nicest,[br]smiliest one for the Christmas card.

0:06:20.927,0:06:22.121
Oh, no.

0:06:23.134,0:06:25.009
They dressed you up, they lined you up,

0:06:25.033,0:06:27.830
and you smiled for the fucking camera[br]like they told you to

0:06:27.854,0:06:30.039
or you could kiss[br]your birthday party goodbye.

0:06:30.063,0:06:33.607
But still, I have a huge pile[br]of fake happy childhood pictures

0:06:33.631,0:06:37.585
and I'm glad they make me less likely[br]than some people to get a divorce.

0:06:38.355,0:06:41.830
So, what else can you do[br]to safeguard your marriage?

0:06:42.523,0:06:45.770
Do not win an Oscar for best actress.

0:06:45.794,0:06:47.611
(Laughter)

0:06:47.635,0:06:48.829
I'm serious.

0:06:48.853,0:06:51.895
Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford,[br]Halle Berry, Hilary Swank,

0:06:51.919,0:06:54.105
Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon --

0:06:54.129,0:06:57.661
all of them single,[br]soon after taking home that statue.

0:06:57.685,0:07:00.051
They actually call it the Oscar curse.

0:07:00.075,0:07:03.657
It is the marriage kiss of death[br]and something that should be avoided.

0:07:04.718,0:07:08.740
And it's not just successfully[br]starring in films that's dangerous.

0:07:08.764,0:07:12.671
It turns out, merely watching[br]a romantic comedy

0:07:12.695,0:07:15.814
causes relationship[br]satisfaction to plummet.

0:07:15.838,0:07:17.288
(Laughter)

0:07:17.312,0:07:23.181
Apparently, the bitter realization[br]that maybe it could happen to us,

0:07:23.205,0:07:25.817
but it obviously hasn't[br]and it probably never will,

0:07:25.841,0:07:29.445
makes our lives seem[br]unbearably grim in comparison.

0:07:29.817,0:07:31.238
And theoretically,

0:07:31.262,0:07:34.527
I suppose if we opt for a film[br]where someone gets brutally murdered

0:07:34.551,0:07:36.949
or dies in a fiery car crash,

0:07:36.973,0:07:39.117
we are more likely to walk out[br]of that theater

0:07:39.141,0:07:41.079
feeling like we've got it pretty good.

0:07:41.103,0:07:42.663
(Laughter)

0:07:43.172,0:07:47.367
Drinking alcohol, it seems,[br]is bad for your marriage.

0:07:48.442,0:07:49.614
Yeah.

0:07:50.356,0:07:52.224
I can't tell you anymore about that one

0:07:52.248,0:07:54.363
because I stopped reading it[br]at the headline.

0:07:54.387,0:07:57.725
But here's a scary one:[br]divorce is contagious.

0:07:58.671,0:08:01.485
That's right, when you have[br]a close couple friend split up,

0:08:01.509,0:08:06.011
it increases your chances[br]of getting a divorce by 75 percent.

0:08:07.023,0:08:09.731
Now, I have to say,[br]I don't get this one at all.

0:08:10.213,0:08:14.873
My husband and I have watched[br]quite a few friends divide their assets

0:08:14.897,0:08:19.511
and then struggle[br]with being our age and single

0:08:19.535,0:08:23.847
in an age of sexting[br]and Viagra and eHarmony.

0:08:24.362,0:08:26.760
And I'm thinking they've done[br]more for my marriage

0:08:26.784,0:08:28.934
than a lifetime of therapy ever could.

0:08:29.794,0:08:34.487
So now you may be wondering:[br]Why does anyone get married ever?

0:08:35.478,0:08:40.629
Well, the US federal government[br]counts more than a thousand legal benefits

0:08:40.653,0:08:42.014
to being someone's spouse.

0:08:42.505,0:08:45.183
A list that includes[br]visitation rights in jail,

0:08:45.207,0:08:47.461
but hopefully, you'll never need that one.

0:08:47.612,0:08:50.773
But beyond the profound federal perks,

0:08:51.860,0:08:53.513
married people make more money.

0:08:54.267,0:08:57.533
We're healthier,[br]physically and emotionally.

0:08:58.398,0:09:02.779
We produce happier, more stable[br]and more successful kids.

0:09:03.906,0:09:08.021
We have more sex than our supposedly[br]swinging single friends,

0:09:08.045,0:09:09.237
believe it or not.

0:09:09.783,0:09:10.976
We even live longer,

0:09:11.000,0:09:16.155
which is a pretty compelling argument[br]for marrying someone you like a lot

0:09:16.179,0:09:17.403
in the first place.

0:09:17.427,0:09:18.436
(Laughter)

0:09:18.460,0:09:24.440
Now, if you're not currently experiencing[br]the joy of the joint tax return,

0:09:24.464,0:09:27.958
I can't tell you how to find[br]a chore-loving person

0:09:27.982,0:09:30.385
of the approximately ideal size[br]and attractiveness,

0:09:30.409,0:09:31.687
who prefers horror movies

0:09:31.711,0:09:34.876
and doesn't have a lot of friends[br]hovering on the brink of divorce,

0:09:34.900,0:09:36.976
but I can only encourage you to try,

0:09:37.000,0:09:39.844
because the benefits, as I've pointed out,

0:09:39.868,0:09:41.018
are significant.

0:09:41.928,0:09:45.174
The bottom line is: whether you're in it[br]or you're searching for it,

0:09:45.198,0:09:49.607
I believe marriage is an institution[br]worth pursuing and protecting.

0:09:50.448,0:09:53.133
So I hope you'll use the information[br]I've given you today

0:09:53.157,0:09:56.185
to weigh your personal strengths[br]against your own risk factors.

0:09:56.695,0:10:00.384
For instance, in my marriage,[br]I'd say I'm doing OK.

0:10:01.329,0:10:02.726
One the one hand,

0:10:02.750,0:10:06.810
I have a husband who's annoyingly lean[br]and incredibly handsome.

0:10:07.217,0:10:09.570
So I'm obviously going[br]to need fatten him up.

0:10:10.122,0:10:12.849
And like I said, we have[br]those divorced friends

0:10:12.873,0:10:16.234
who may secretly or subconsciously[br]be trying to break us up.

0:10:16.726,0:10:18.851
So we have to keep an eye on that.

0:10:20.201,0:10:22.094
And we do like a cocktail or two.

0:10:22.848,0:10:24.237
On the other hand,

0:10:24.261,0:10:26.504
I have the fake happy picture thing.

0:10:26.528,0:10:30.143
And also, my husband does[br]a lot around the house,

0:10:30.167,0:10:33.762
and would happily never see[br]another romantic comedy

0:10:33.786,0:10:35.032
as long as he lives.

0:10:35.056,0:10:37.281
So I've got all those things going for me.

0:10:37.658,0:10:38.878
But just in case,

0:10:38.902,0:10:44.275
I plan to work extra hard[br]to not win an Oscar anytime soon.

0:10:44.636,0:10:46.704
And for the good of your relationships,

0:10:46.728,0:10:48.654
I would encourage you to do the same.

0:10:49.611,0:10:50.877
I'll see you at the bar.

0:10:50.901,0:10:52.072
(Laughter)

0:10:52.096,0:10:54.976
(Applause)