WEBVTT

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I started to question all this stupid hat shit when I was a kid

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When I was a kid, I was a Catholic, at least until I reached the "age of reason"

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okay, so I was a Catholic for about 2, 2 and a half years, something like that

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and during that time, one of the things they told us was

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that if a boy or a man went into a church, he had to remove his hat

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in order to honor the presence of God

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But, they had already told me God is everywhere,

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so I used to wonder, well if God is everywhere, why would you even own a hat?

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why not show your respect, don't even BUY a fucking hat

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and just to confuse things further, they told the women exactly the opposite

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Catholic women and girls had to cover their heads when they went into church

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same as in certain temples, Jewish men have to cover their heads in those temples

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In those same temples, Jewish women not allowed to cover their heads

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so try to figure this shit out

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Catholic men and Jewish women, no hats.

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Catholic women and Jewish men, hats

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somebody's got the whole thing totally fucking backwards don't ya think?

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And what is this religious fascination with headgear?

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Every religion's got a different fuckin hat

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Did you ever notice that? The Hindus have a turban, the Sikhs have a tall white turban

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Jews have a yamulkah, Muslims have the the Qafiah, the Bishop has a pointy hat on one day,

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and a round hat on another day

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Cardinal has a red hat, Pope has a white ha--why's everybody got a fucking hat?

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One of 'em takes it off, the other group puts them on

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Personally I would never want to be a member of any group, where you either have to wear a hat, or you can't wear a hat

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I think...

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I think all religions should have one rule and one rule only: hats optional

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that's all you need to run a really good religion

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Here's another one of these civic customs, swearing on the Bible

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you understand that shit?

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They tell you to raise your right hand and place your left hand on the Bible, does this stuff really matter?

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which hand? Does God really give a fuck about details like this?

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Suppose you put your right hand on the Bible, you raise your left hand, would that count?

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Or would God say, "Sorry, wrong hand, try again."

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And why does one hand have to be raised? What is the magic in this gesture?

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This seems like some sort of primitive Voodoo mojo schtick.

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Why not put your left on the Bible, let your right hand hang down by your side? It's more natural

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or put it in your pocket.

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Remember what your mother used to say? "Don't put your hands in your pockets" Does she know something we don't know?

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Is this hand shit really important?

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But let's get back to the Bible, America's favorite national theatrical prop.

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Suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down, or backward

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or both. And you swear to tell the whole truth on an upside-down backward Bible

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would that count?

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Suppose the Bible I hand you is an old Bible, and half the pages are missing. Suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible

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in an American court. Or a braille Bible and you're not blind.

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Suppose they hand you an upside-down backward Chinese braille Bible with half the pages missing.

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At what point does all this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up?

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They fuckin made it up folks. It's make believe. It's make believe, now

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alright, okay

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Let's leave the Bible aside, we'll get back to the science fiction reading later